I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
All I heard as I passed by, her on the other end of the phone staking claim to control of her life, that she is grabbing the control of her life and it's all going to be okay. That since she got there, she's been sick, or in and out of the hospital but shes doing okay now and is grabbing back control of her own life.
Whatever all that means. Good for her if she's got the ability but it's not likely, IMO.
Asked DH after the fact, what was that all about. A roll of his eyes, accompanied by explanation that accdg to her SIL has been running the show up there and that's over now as regards her ... she'll now run her own show.
Still, so ..??...again, what's that all about. Oookay...
I didn't ask anything further. Wasn't likely I'd of had a lot more clarity anyway.
He went on to tell me (I guess before I came back home) him in his conversation imparted to his mom ... next time you're confused or whatever DONT TELL ANYONE ...Otherwise it's back to the hospital for you.
This he imparts as advice he'd given his mom and saying "I told her .. don't everybody freaks the he77 out... just go lay down mom .. or go get the remote and turn on the TV ...keep it to yourself because of you say anything, it's off to the hospital for you again".
This tidbit met by myself and YD both ... shaking our heads .. to which I said to DH... "neither time DH was it her summoning paramedics .... she didn't announce anything ... she was gargling her speech in speaking with your sister ... I wouldn't advise her in that setting to go lay down or go flip on the TV ....she was confused/disoriented ... exhibited in SIL's presence ...SIL saw to it she was carted to the ER ..it wasn't MIL choosing to sound any alarms ..I would do the same as SIL ...I would never assume it's temporary .. go sit down and watch TV or go to bed..."
To which YD chimed in much the same.
Whatever. Not my wagon to pull.
I will call her.. perhaps in a couple of days and face-time for a bit. Soon as I build some resolve/tolerance. Not there presently.
On a good note .. sounds like they all took off in the car today for a drive through the country side to view the great Fall Foliage. Said it's gorgeous there.
That's a good sign in that heretofore it's been one calamity after another and any day of enjoyment doing anything at all, not in the cards.
From the sounds of it, your MIL is not far from a Nursing home setting, and too far gone for AL placement. They are just putting off the inevitable. SIL will eventually get there, and this see-saw behavior is very common in the care of our elderly parents. The best thing she could do now is to begin her research on the Nursing home nearby, that take Medicaid Pending. I believe she will get there, it's only a matter of time. Continue to be the Supportive SIL that you are! Oh and I like the idea of sending gift bags, flowers and cards to show her that you are thinking of her! Hugs Dorker!
As I've told him repeatedly .. you never "wait", time is of the essence if she's having a stroke .. you don't wait .. it could be the stroke that leaves her bed ridden, paralyzed.
But he keeps saying that "everybody hold the damn phone, she gets confused, has these episodes.. her hands don't work, she can't think .. whatever .. and it's always temporary ... and then she's stuck in the damn hospital again ....just go watch TV ..go lay down .. see if it passes ... don't everybody freak the he77 out.
I'm not willing to be someone in the presence of such and advise she go lay down, go flip on the TV.
SIL not that careless either. Fully aware time is of up most importance.
Sorry it'll mean hospital confinement but the alternative could be horrendous.
Unless she wants to go the Hospice route (if she would even qualify) and gamble her chips the big one will be one that carries her to the cloud .... that kinda stuff needs prompt attention.
I wish he'd quit with that as any attempt at advice.
Your SIL is going to eventually come to be on your same page, albeit a little slower, due to her enmeshed relationship with her Mother, just like me and my siblings, and most other people and their parents. All roads lead to the place where she ultimately needs to be, or her passing, just as everyone else. SIL is trying her best, Try to be patient.
From my experience with my mom, when you're having a TIA or stroke, you neither remember what the remote is for, much less how to use it.
When my mom realized that she was having a "problem" she picked up the phone and said she totally could not fathom what she was supposed to do with it. Fortunately, the initial confusion passed and she was able to speed dial my SIL and say, simply "come".
And even more fortunately, SIL called 911.
Dorker, in the bigger picture here, please realize how medically unknowledgeable your DH is and make one of your daughters your health care proxy. I don't say this to be mean; I say it from experience.
My DH is at about the same level; I would NEVER leave critical health care decisions for me in his hands. (When his mother was regularly passing out on the streets of Brooklyn and I asked why, he and his brothers told me that when she went to the ER, her heart and lungs were okay, so clearly she was just being a drama queen; Then we got her to a neurologist. She was having seizures).
Having endured some big cardiac problems himself now, he understands physiology and little better, but my daughters are still much more knowledgeable about what questions to ask.
That's what I thought about strokes, too. Quick! Hurry! The magic medics will bust that clot like a team of Bruce Willises - !
So Sunday morning at four a.m. bed alarm went off, I ran downstairs, mother was sitting apparently quite unconcerned on the floor next to her own bed. Her "legs had given way" (she wasn't supposed to get up unaided, she was supposed to call me for assistance, never happened, different issue, I'm getting over it...). Actually, her arm was limp, her leg was non functioning, her face was falling - phone, now, ambulance, ER.
The doctor thought long and hard. You could see him thinking long and hard, at the end of her bed, watching her. He was *thinking.* Mother was already on Clopidogrel. If he gave the thrombolytics, would she bleed out? Would her vital organs survive the onslaught? 90 year old woman, CHF 20 years, CKD...
We're told, rush them to hospital, immediate treatment is the only hope, 2-hour window. Well, the immediate treatment can also finish them off. This is NOT a no-brainer.
It's not quite as unlikely to work as CPR in heart attacks. But it's by no means a sure thing, or a simple decision. He looked at the CT scan. He decided to hold off, but admit her to the stroke ward.
She was doing well, recovery can be very rapid at first. She was being *beautifully* looked after - this was just before Christmas - on a ward with not a single empty bed, by a nursing team running at full tilt. I began to breathe again. I was holding her hand, we were talking to the senior nurse about how long they'd want to keep her, when mother's words suddenly stopped making sense. The big clot, the daddy clot, had been waiting in her heart. It had now detached itself, shot up her carotid artery and lodged in her brain.
Oh if only she'd been thrombolysed? Sure, that might have saved her. As long as it hadn't killed her.
Look. Whether you do all the right rushing-around things, or you hold the phone, your parent dies sooner or later, either quickly or after further trials.
In a younger person, or a fit older person, treating strokes aggressively is the right course. It's definitely right.
In a very elderly, very ill, very frail person, there isn't any certain right choice.
Of course I have often wondered since if I should have put mother back to bed, reported in to her GP, and crossed my fingers that she'd die in her sleep. Because of what I did, thinking it right, she lived another four miserable months.
And of course if I had put her back to bed, she might still have lived another four miserable months all the same. There's just no knowing.
I don't think I was *wrong*. I was doing my best, based on my best understanding of the right thing to do. But I no longer think the other option is necessarily wrong, either.
Dorker, you just have to wait and see. The tension and frustration are *horrible*, I know. But there is NOTHING else to be done.
Of course, this supposes that the 3 of them might get on the phone together. I know, probably not going to happen.
Otherwise, SIL is just going to keep jumping down rabbit holes.
Does MIL have a Do Not Resuscitate document affixed to the back of SIL’s front door and mounted on SIL’s fridge? (And mounted at the foot of her bed, when she is in the hospital?)
Let’s face it. Most older folks’ Final Wishes are:
1.) To have someone wave a wand and roll back the clock 25 years.
2.) To die peacefully in their sleep
MIL and her adult children are, sadly, rolling the way many families roll. Difficult stuff. Clouded by emotions and denial.
Dorker, when you feel like your level-headedness goes unappreciated (always!), take a moment to appreciate yourself.
In time, your daughters will appreciate your level-headedness, too. Especially if you apply the takeaways from the MIL debacle to your own plans for later in life.
And make those plans official! Elder-care lawyer and all, if need be. You’ve seen where “hot air” end-of-life planning leaves everyone. 😶
SIL's tunnel vision at that time on dispensing with a visit by her royal son & family and then retrieving her mom and presentation of whirligigs a plenty in the form of PT she'd cart her mom to in that setting and as she would term it "breathe new life" into the whole thing.
As we've seen and I might've predicted .. MIL too ill/frail to even leave the house to go, much less participate in any PT ... not even if they came to SIL's house.
But yes by all means ... whirligig away SIL.
Presented also to MIL. In her case ... truly ... I don't think she possesses the cognitive ability to think thru and carefully consider and sequence in her own brain, with any organization of thought.
Some might say ... present it again .. now that SIL has her in her clutches ... maybe SIL now has a keener sense of her mom's frailties.
Nah. Not a chance.
I'm sure now that SIL upended the path to Rehab last week and now has HHC and PT signed on .. to come to her house ...
Just ... hooray ... yet another whirligig .. to restore youth and vigor ... not a doubt that would be SIL's approach at this juncture.
Not presenting another suggestion at all.
I agree it should be weighed and discussed... but ... it won't be.
Seems I'm the only one in this equation that comes from any perspective of reality and practicality.
So either I'm nuts ... or they are. I dunno.
Somebody is way out to lunch on all this. I don't think it's me.
I just wanted to clarify a couple of remarks I made yesterday. Of course I think Poochy needs a coat in the frigid north that is IL. And I’m glad SIL was able to get to Church.
I was just wondering how she expects to get anything done outside of the home if MIL can not be left alone.
I am assuming the Dr ordered PT and some Home Health. My experience with this is that these services are paid for by Medicare and for a short term, 4-6 weeks. Not indefinitely.
HHC may come 2-3 times a week for an hour. I hope SIL uses this free time to get out of the house.
In my state there are no long term HHC in home services provided by Medicare or Medicaid, only short term after an event such as MILs 3 day Inpatient Hospital stay.
I hope IL is different. Does IL have a waiver for Medicaid in home HHC services long term.
There's also adult daycare places for socialization and respite rooms in care homes sometimes. (again, must be paid for). Or friends and relatives to sit with her... like SIL's daughter.
If MIL has any cash at all left, or even her SS check, I guess SIL could use that to pay for some help. But I'll bet money on it that MIL will gripe about being left alone with "strangers", or about going to any activity center daycare type place, or respite place!
Other option - force her to go with SIL on errands and outings, with a wheel chair. SIL has a new normal on her hands now to adjust to for sure!
About to get off work and drive home.
Will update as to the latest in a bit.
Suffice it to say ... pages and pages of group text (of course DH hasn't chimed in) .....*glowing info from SIL about how MIL is doing so well ... that she hates being in IL ... that Home health nurse said she should return to FL before the harsh winter that's too hard on her body, about how HH nurse can't believe inpatient ever got approved ..that MIL doesn't appear bad enough to have qualified for inpatient. How accdg to HH nurse it's a good thing they did depart any inpatient rehab setting ... so bad those places to cause spread of sickness.... so much more
Suffice it to say ... all buttering up to announce a return to FL ...etc
More later
You are out of this discussion and out of the caregiving rotation.
Let DH step in if he feels the need.
In texting w/DD .. informing her, bringing her up to speed and providing to DD all my thoughts, some that weren't so kind .. as to the whole latest .. I slipped .. it all went to SIL .. in error, not to DD.
I don't even care at this point. I had texted her back, .. originally .. "we need to "talk" about what you've sent, not text". That was originally my only response.
But I then .. was so livid .. I was texting with DD .. and somehow slipped and sent all the scathing remarks to SIL instead.
I don't even care. I'm ready to blow .. sideways .. and worse .. and tell her that I think she must be on drugs or something to try to pull this b'chit snow job .. I know damn well that MIL is not fine to be left alone .. and she even said herself, . it's too much, she can't take care of her.
Now suddenly because a HH Nurse enters stage left .. and provides all this glowing info that coincides with SIL's need to duck for cover rather than deal with the necessity of making changes .. suddenly the world is alright and glowingly rosey. I'm not stupid. Don't pizz on my boot and tell me it's raining ...
Oh am I furious.
So anyway .. here goes, .. I'll send along what she sent in texts .. I'll put in quotes and then my remarks/thoughts .. after each missive .. in parenthesis.
"Mom so unhappy up here. Home health nurse says she' sstrong enough for otpatient PT and it doesn't appear that inpatient Rehab was needed at all, ... Plus those places aren't good for your health - so easy to catch something in those places".
((Where have I heard that before, in any insistence this thing get directed to a Rehab rather than home .. where someone has to slave away to care for her. Further, .. mom so unhappy here .. it's not about where she is *happy* . it's about where she is safe and has care. Oh I am livid .. absolutely furious!)))
Next text: "Nurse recommended that we get her back down there before winter weather sets in, as her body is not used to it. Then nurse says, she can explore assisted/supportive living palces down there, in time .. since she doesn't want to live here .. she wants to live there in FL"
((My thoughts: nurse recommends ... uhm .. okay and this is someone who is house bound, does the nurse make her educated assumption on the basis of the fact this is someone that goes to FL and then goes kayaking daily and/or jogging . outdoors .. to enjoy beautiful sunshine and clean air. What? She is frickin damned house bound. She stays in her PJ's every day of her life, and even declines any invite to go out anywhere .. always .. she is HOUSEBOUND ................ and I've said so ......... so many countless times, but okay .. let her have some say so in where she goes .. I get that .. sorta .. it doesn't have to be take away EVERY SINGLE DAMN THING ............... FL is her preference .. okay .. so be it .. but the climate doesn't have a damn thing to do with it)
Next text: "I have several weeks of PT appts set up for her here over the coming weeks at a place nearby".
(((My thoughts: Great. And let's see if your careful watchful care .. 24/7 can stave off the constant chitapalooza that seem to be an issue here .. when she lives here .. and btw . has no frickin way to get to any PT .. because she wont' avail herself of any services)))
Next text: "So guess we're back to our orignal plan. B and I will go back with her and stay til spring".
(((My thoughts: Ooookay .. and I guess .. in her guestimation . that means they depart in spring .. and spring time brings upon us all the wonderful restoration that is sure to follow and insures it's safe to leave her .. because as we know .. she wants to return to FL and ... italics here .. she can .. as stated above ... investigate supported living arrangements there .. yea right .. and when pigs fly she will find one suitable to her .. and so it will be .. her to be left alone again)))
Next text: "Nurse says she's surprised that Medicare agreed to cover inpatient rehab as her condition doesn't appear to be severe enough to warrant it"
((MY thoughs: yea .. so I wonder if the MD that she works under is aware that she questions what the hospital docs directed .. sounds ill advised if you ask me, to say the least.............. but aside from that .. wasn't SIL saying herself .. just a mere week ago .. that her mom's care and needs are too much for her .. even for her .. didn't she say that? Now suddenly a nurse enters stage left .. and declares it astounding that Medicare even approved any inpatient Rehab .. she doesn't appear bad enough to need it. WTH?!?!?!?)))
Next text: "Probably because I pushed it so hard. I had pretty much worn down from it all at this point. Seems like every time I try to do the right thing, it backfires".
(((My thoughts .. maybe that's because you don't follow effing thru but cave every damn time, to what your mom "feels" .. rather than what it is she needs))).
So anyway .......... in imparting to DD .. (or so I thought .. went to SIL in text .. not to DD as intended) .. I said that I am just done .. pizz on my boot and tell me it's raining .. I'm not stupid .. MIL was not okay before she left here, it was horrendous .. the situation .. her unable to frickin manage . now suddenly this nurse who has known her all of 5 mins .. backs up everything that SIL needs to hear .. so she doesn't have to do the hard work of making her mom transition ...... and it's all grand. I'm just done .. I have done far more than any DIL should ever have been expected to do .. if it's thought that MIL is somehow going to find herself mysteriously restored and able to be left alone . in her home .. as they depart in the spring, think again .. she is on her own .. I'm done. I am just so livid.
That's about summed up .. as to what I said to DD .. or so I thought .. it went to SIL instead.
And .. no I don't know where/what he may have been preoccupied with earlier .. several hours ago .. when these pages and pages of texts arrived. I was at work .. and not able to talk with him.
I am just beyond livid that SIL .. who said herself less than a week ago .. that her mom's care is too much for even her .. that she needs more care .. that now suddenly because a HHC nurse waltzes in and spends what 5 mins .. and likely ... just nodding her head in agreement as SIL puts forth the agenda suitable for her own wants ........... justification as to pulling the rug out from under the Rehab she fought to get .. "oh those places are so bad .. germs spread" .. yea .. nurse said that. Right! More than likely SIl said it, in effort to justify her pizz poor act.
That this HHC nurse has stated she can't believe Medicare even approved "inpatient" she doesn't appear to be bad off enough. B'chit!
That she can't tolerate the climate there .. it's not good for her body .. (what the living he77??!?!?! She doesn't go outside!!!! .. but okay .. whatever will get her justified in bringing her back to FL, right? .. she doesn't "feel" she wants to live in IL) Okay .. got it .. but then the statement .. so it looks like we're back to the original plan (and no .. no input sought on this end, kiss my azz .. ) ....... we bring her back to FL before the weather sets in and me and B stay with her til spring.
What the he77 happens in spring . some mysterious fairy dust gonna sprinkle out of the sky as to restoration ?
No . DH hasn't chimed in .. and so I did. I let her have it! Told her at the end, .. of the yes, text .. "call us .. not text us .. this plan you have set forth .. serious issues .. need to "TALK" not text".
No response.
I am beyond livid.
That doesn't even come close to touching how I feel at this point.
"Not my monkeys...not my circus".
If MIL is flown back to FL with SIL and pooch, SIL and B will stay and set up services for her. They will stay in her home and be caregivers.
YOU, dear lady, will visit, if you are able. Visit, not caregive.
Look, I have a dear, dear cousin who was always much closer to my mom than I EVER was. I have a SIL who loved my mom MUCH more than I ever did.
They both loved to visit mom. To make much of her. To bring her treats.
Did they make decisions? Do hands on care? No.
If I really needed them to (and I did, sometimes) they could take mom to doctors and get and give feedback. But much as I hated it, I was my mom's HPOA and did the bulk of medical decision making for her as she gradually declined.
NO ONE can expect you to do more than visit, Dorker.
If they expect that, just say "no, can't do that".
I agree with Barb. Henceforth, not your circus. Unless DH wants to be a hands on caregiver, he better tell SIL no loudly and that "she CANNOT live alone any longer." I'd make it clear that should his mom move back, HE will be the one running to meet needs/demands and directives from SIL, you will not. He might speak up if it looks like that responsibility might land on him.
I think it was probably a blessing in disguise that SIL got the text instead of DD. She needs to know your frustration and you needed to get it out.
I really wouldn't worry too much at this point. A LOT can happen between now and spring. I'd be surprised if there aren't more health episodes between now and then, especially given recent events, that could change the "plan" quite a bit.
What the he77?
So this nurse shows up and spends what, 5 mins., 30 mins .. what ..???..... and suddenly it's at her direction that "yes we should get mother to a warmer climate". Said with much exaggeration .. ..."yes, just as MIL has been clamoring .. interesting that the nurse concurs .. on just an initial meeting". Wow .. just .. how ironic!
Interesting this nurse shows up and spends whatever there, 5 mins, 30 mins, who knows .. and suddenly it's her assertion that .. how ironic .. said again with much exaggeration to my tone .. how ironic .. suddenly her assertion .. again .. on another point that SIL has been hammering .. after SIL pulled the rug out from under Rehab stint .. that her mom didn't need to be inpatient Rehab .. she's not that bad off. What the He77 uncanny how this nurse parrots just the things SIL has been saying .. and whoa .. unbelievable .. she even parrots what SIL has said 1K times .. "those places are known to spread germs .. and you can get sick in those places". Uh huh .. wow .. (much sarcasm in my tone here) .. uncanny how this nurse .. this nurse who has known this setting and parties involved all of what .. 5 mins .. 30 mins .. who knows .. and just wow .. she has the very same thoughts as SIL.
Just unreal!
I think it's the insult to my intelligence that also so has me hacked off sideways and upside down.
So this nurse comes to the scene and she is suddenly the end-all-be-all, answer-all to all of the turmoil .. all of it. Gee, .. MIL didn't need Inpatient Rehab . just as you said SIL .. you couldn't leave her there, it was so dismal with all those ailing folks .. so bad off .. worse off than MIL .. and lo and behold the nurse finds the same damn thing .. how absolutely uncanny.
The nurse also sees .. the same damn thing, it's just astounding .. that the weather there, MIL needs to be carted outta there, before the weather sets in .. it's "not good for her body". This person who is H-O-M-E-F-R-I-C-K-I-N BOUND ......... 365 days of the damn year .. yes by all means .. oh my goodness, yes that climate she needs to depart IL. Gee, does this nurse think all elderlies need to depart for FL, that the climate there isn't good for them.
Just uncanny how this nurse now has the "call" on it all, this nurse who has entered stage left .. as of about maybe a 5 or 30 min visit ..
And .. so it shall be. Wow.
This nurse .. who couldn't believe that any "inpatient" label was attached to MIL .. that she just doesn't appear to warrant it.
All this from the very SIL who, a week ago, was touting that she can't do this .. that even she .. can't do it, and in her daughter's corner .. the daughter who also went to MIL's hospital room to announce that, (good cop/bad cop thing ongoing). SIL in that corner. Then a week later, a nurse shows up there, that spends all of a few mins with MIL .. and lo and behold .. the whole thing needs to course towards FL and AL .. and if climates are an issue and germs are an issue, and she isn't all that bad off.
Don't insult my intelligence. Just don't.
Send a group text along, of several pages .. touting then what the plan is going forward .. and don't even give any respect/dignity/courtesy whatsoever, on this end, to how all that plays out. Kiss my azz!
And her statement .. "so it looks like the original plan .. B and I come down there with her, and stay until spring".
And ............. no dialogue on .. "then what?".
Spring brings about miraculous healing? Spring brings about, the placement in AL .. even though we know damn well MIL will set foot in her house, and from there refuse to go anywhere . and SIL will cave as she always does .. waltzing off with whatever nurse nodded her head in affirmation at whatever SIL says.
So, apparently SIL is so darn compliant to mama that again she is willing to uproot her life and move to Florida for several months just to placate her once again. Amazing! Of course, this still will not make MIL "happy". Nothing will. No matter where she is. Duh
Just tell her, sure- do that - move here, and then in the spring, MIL can once again go back to Illinois with you guys. Great idea. By the way - it should be known that I, Dorker, will NOT be the support/contact person if she should somehow miraculously find an AL home here in Florida. So, if that should somehow happen, DH, her other child, won't do a whole lot to help. She will likely be very lonely and unhappy in an AL home here... But if that's what you want to do, please work it out with DH.
(which will be almost assuredly true.)
Talking with DH about it, "Dorker she is NOT being left there alone .. spring or any other damn time .. if SIL thinks that's where this is going .. she's gotta answer to me .. she comes here, fine .. bring her .. that's what you need to do .. do it, stay with her then .. and work towards AL .. or know when you get on the plane to go back to IL, shes' with you, that's how this is gonna roll".
Me: "DH .. you and I know both know .. how it's gonna roll, your mom will get to step foot back into her home and there she will turn on the water works, that she just can't bear to leave her home .. that she'll be okay there .. and on and on it goes .. and your sister with her drug induced or whatever the he77 her issues are .. will delude herself .. "oh it'll be okay", and there you have it again .. MIL calling .. she can't think .. her hands aren't working . her drawn out slow .. (where are you?) in her feeble voice .. as she calls you in the middle of a workday because she can't think .. needs you to come .. all of it, you look in her fridge the MOW's sit uneaten .. and her ankles are the size of basketballs and all fielding SIL's concern from afar .. the whole broken effing damn record that plays continually because neither you nor your sister will see to it this changes.
I told your sister, maybe your mom would benefit from some counseling as to helping with this transition . maybe she needs to be on some kinda antidepressant with an anti anxiety feature .. to help with this. Has that happened? He77 no ........... easier to cave to what her mom "feels", .. and by GOLLY she now has a nurse that's known the situation all of 30 mins .. maybe .. to back her up.. well gee golly .. we're all out to lunch here .. the nurse has all the answers .. and ironically enough, the answers she has, are the same ones that align with just what your mom "feels".
IT's NOT ABOUT .......... SOLELY ..............what your mom FEELS .. its about her safety and well being . and it's about our ability to have any damn life as long as she lives .. and ON HER OWN APPARENTLY".
DH: "Dorker you are getting the cart before the horse, she hasn't said she leaves in spring and leaves her here alone .. ".
Me: "Well I don't know what else to make of it, her statement, let me read it, "so me and B will return to FL with her, and stay til spring", .. I'm not sure how you read in that .. that she intends to cart MIL off with her again, to IL. YOU WILL NEVER GET YOUR MOTHER ON A PLANE AGAIN TO GO TO IL, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN".
DH: "Well she is not leaving her here, .. she's gonna be told that's fine .. bring her back here to FL . if she needs to get out of that climate (said with quote mark fingers and exaggeration of how ridiculous that is) ......... plan on staying here, and working towards AL then, that's what SIL is going to be told.
So there we have it, that's his take.
I'll go .. maybe when DH does .. for a visit .. but that's it. Not gonna be the stepper and FETCHER AT ALL. Not one bit.
If it goes the way I think it's gonna go .. and I'm pretty sure I'm right .. MIL will step foot back into her home .. (barring a calamity which is almost certain .. before that time arrives) .. and there, she will dig in and refuse to ever go anywhere ever .. not going back to IL .. under any circumstances ever .. playing not the "climate" card .. but the "I'm just not able to travel anymore, I'm not well enough" .. and the AL .. or NH ..............forgettaboutit ....... she aint going no damn where. And coddling SIL that will continue to subject her husband to her mom who has no tolerance for him (I so disrespect her choices there) .... will coddle and bow down to the "well we'll just leave her here .. she can't travel anymore, and I can't stay here .. and she just .. it breaks her heart to have to leave her home .. so we'll just leave her here .. and she's *stronger now*, *she's taking her meds better now*, . *she's recovered from ______now* ............... take your pick .. spring arrives and that's the order of the day.
And so .. plan on DH being your go-to .. and good luck w/that. I'm out.
I'm not playing any angle on it.
I am just beyond livid. It was one thing when she yanked the rug out from under the set up that was so badly needed .. that one frosted me to no end . and now this ..
And the statement . "We'll stay til spring" .......................and .....then what?
I'm just done with it. Just unreal! This .. if you never grasped just how far SIL will go to placate her mom's whims and how she "feels" .. this .. ought to define it perfectly.
Now uproot your lives again . .and come this way for several months .. and bring B with you, that your mom cannot be nice to .. even in the face of all that is being done to accommodate her .. but by GOLLY it's all about how she "feels".
Just ....... I'm so over it!
If you were being asked to agree to this plan, and if the plan involved some action on your part, and you were being expected to buy it on the say-so of this random nurse, then it might be an insult to your intelligence. But you aren't, and it doesn't. If SIL wishes to insult her own intelligence, that's up to her. No one is asking for your sign-off.
DH doesn't even read the texts. How about that option?! Seems to work for him!
I was watching a beautifully done scene in a (fictional) drama the other day, furious fight between daughter and elderly mother, and the daughter raves at her "oh no, 'I don't want to be any trouble,' no, of course not, God forbid - I'LL JUST COMPLETELY BUGGER UP EVERYBODY ELSE'S LIVES FOR THEM, instead - !"
You are furiously angry. I don't blame you. I think we all are, more or less, at least a bit, and this isn't even our family. But do stop and think what you're actually angry about. And who with. And what you would like to see happen that is in any way likely in this universe.
Not because it will or can make any difference to MIL or SIL or influence them - a) it won't; and b) they're not your problem anyway. But do it to restore your own perspective, and feel better.