I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
The original text said to her, "you need to "call" us ... we need to "talk", not text, some issues with this plan you propose".
That was the original text sent to her, .. then DD had called while I was on the way home from work, .. wanting something unrelated, and I mentioned to her that the whole thing had busted wide open and I was PIZZED. She couldn't talk, babies running amok, asked that I text her when I get home, inform her of the blow by blow. Which I did, .. only it was diced with some anger and some unkind remarks .. as to the whole thing, .. as it as thought to have been sent to DD, not to SIL. It was only later I discovered, I'd not entered the right recipient. So be it. Not even sorry .. not a bit.
When I discovered this faux pas ....... I then did text her, "S you need to phone us, not text .. as you can see this "plan" you have put forth .. has some issues, call don't text".
(btw .. DH at a church meeting, the entire time, not weighing in at all, don't even know if he's seen any of this, not at that point in time anyway).
So never heard from SIL ........ she didn't call. Didn't return text, which I thought, "good ....... maybe she isn't able to call right now, MIL right at her elbow .. and at least she has the good sense to not text". Never did hear from her ....
DH came in from his meeting .. the whole saga was gone over, .. well, in between his having found some part that finally fixed the problematic .. ever problematic issue with his truck .. and wahlaa it's fixed .. and of course, that was first and paramount on his mind, that and some church issues. So diverting his attention to the matters of the texts and the new path forward .. having him now look at that issue.
He says the following, now having read thru it all: "Well it's apparent you're angry .. that's for sure. Dorker I think you're jumping the gun here, putting the cart before the horse .. she hasn't said she intends to leave here in Spring and leave mother here . alone .. that's not happening . .. she's not that irresponsible .. and if she does think that, .. she and I are gonna talk, .. no .. she's not leaving her here in the spring .. it's not happening .. she is either gonna get here, if that's what they need to do, and stay the course, and work towards AL .. before she leaves .. or mother gets back on that plane with her for the return trip to IL .. I think you're jumping the gun here".
Me: "Well I'm not sure what you're reading .. what I read it says as follows *so back to the original plan . we'll bring her back .. and me and B will stay there with her until spring* .. so .. how you are pulling out of thin air, .. that spring comes and she is placed in AL .. or either on the plane back to IL .. not sure .. that's not what she said is it ... not did she offer up any .. "we will have to work thru this .. and talk about how we get her into AL .. or what comes next", nope .. she just throws out there .. that first off the nurse happens to concur with her every thought .. just .. wonderment at how that all occurs (said with much smart azz in my tone) .. and beyond that, the plan going forward .. without so much as anything sought as to what is workable .. and then leaves it hang .. that she and B will stay til spring. So, what happens in spring DH ........??....... some miraculous recovery ...?!?!? That has most CERTAINLY been her pattern if history dictates any path in this .. you can't deny that".
DH: "Well .. I think now that she's had mom in her care .. and seen how bad things are, .. she knows that mother can't be left alone .. I don't think she has any intention of waltzing on outta here again .. to leave her be in her home .. and if that is her plan ..
It's HIS mother.
Everyone knows that you're out of it.
You've learned to say "no" and they've realized that you are no longer stepping up.
How, angry and hurtful were the angry and hurtful things, on a scale from 1 not really noticeably to 10 seriously ouch?
I don't think you should apologise, no. Not least because it can't have been as accidental as all that, eh. You've been saying these things to her in your head for *months*. Probably about time she heard some of them. If she doesn't bring the text up, don't you either. Everybody's on edge, just let it go and she can too.
"If that is her plan, then she and I will talk .. it's not happening! She is not going to leave her here alone .. I'm not okay with that .. ".
So .. that was about the sum of it all, .. and I finally went on to bed.
I got up this morning .. laying in bed, .. still so seething with it all, awakened far too early and unable to sleep.
To find two texts from SIL that came sometime in the night, says 12 midnight .. I'd of been in bed at that hour.
Reads as follows;
Text 1: I just saw all this .. my phone was in the back charging, and I was trying to do something fun with mom tonight to cheer her up - rented the Mama Mia sequel. But then M called, she and her b'friend were at his house and the dog got skunked. She knows that I have the ingredients here in cases MIL's dog gets skunked .. so I ran over there to help her. Just got home, had to wash all my clothes and take a shower and wash my hair. Just got the chance to read your messages that I'm pretty sure were intended for DD not for me"
Text 2: "I'm sorry you're so upset. I'm trying my best to get through all this and work with mom to figure out a solution. It's just really hard stuff. As the psychologist and other health care folks have said... we must not forget that she's a person with her own thoughts, ideas and feelings about her life and circumstances. She's not a person with dementia. She's trying hard to come to terms with it all. I'ts a heart wrenching process. At least she is talking about assisted/supportive living and says she'd really rather be in one down in FL than here in IL".
So, .. this arrives on the phone at midnight .. not a "hey I can see that this has upset you, .. will do .. will be calling you guys", ... or "yea, just saw this .. been preoccupied with a skunked dog, .. sorry couldn't call tonight .. will do so as soon as I can".
Nope, send along another damned confounded text .. and in that context .. the more placating and so forth.
SIL can't do right for doing wrong, can she? She doesn't reply, she must be in a snit. She explains why she didn't reply, she's in trouble for de-stinking a dog. She addresses some of the issues you mentioned in the text you didn't intend for her, and that's wrong too, she was supposed to call you, AND - and I have to say I'm surprised at you - she was supposed to prioritise the angry feelings you'd expressed and accept a responsibility to help with these?
Give the girl a feckin' break! And give yourself a break too. I don't care what it takes, get away to a completely different place, either geographical or at least mental, for at least a week.
Let's put forth a for instance .. let's say DH has on his radar .. that he is to take two orphaned kids to a ball game and has bought tix .. (from church) .. and so that's his mindset.
MIL has been left here alone (AGAIN .. as has been the history in all this) ................ phone call comes forth .. "Mother has diahrea again, I'm really concerned, she seemed kinda disoriented .. I feel very worried about her, not sure she's eating/drinking .. she may be getting dehydrated .. wonder if you could go and check on her, maybe spend some time there coercing her to eat .. maybe some dry toast .. maybe get her to drink some, get a read on how she seems to you".
It now turns in my direction and I become the problem in it all.
DH: "Dorker, I have already bought tix for the ball game tonight to take those two boys .. they are sitting on go, waiting on me to come get them ... I can't disappoint them ... can you go and check on mother and spend some time there".
Me: "Nope, can't do that".
DH: "Why not .. what do you have to do this evening?".
Me: "Nothing really .. but no .. not able to do that"
DH: "WHY?, ......... I can't be in two places at one time Dorker .. I didn't know mom was gonna get sick and need somebody to go check on her .. you won't help me out here?".
Me: "DH I have .. for umpteen years .. and I've said it a thousand times, your mom needs more care .. the fact you guys refuse to see that .. isn't on me to then pick up the slack with emergencies that WILL occur in all this .. so I guess your sister is just gonna have to sit with and find a way to not worry ...... or your mom, who you guys have once again deemed appropriate to be okay left alone to manage .. will have to do just that, manage, no .. I can't do that".
Now I become the problem . I have nothing in particular to do that night that takes me away from any "responsibility" to step into this mess now unfolding .. and he does .. he's signed himself on at taking the two little boys that are orphaned . . to a ball game, so now he has to either disappoint the two boys .. or .. he can sit with himself . that he isn't able to go attend to his mom ...
But instead what happens is that I get the wrath from him .. because I "REFUSE" to help.
Therein lies my anxiety in it all. Why does my world have to live a the edge of the cliff of .... "oh no what next" .. when I keep saying this isn't viable .. but yet .. the "plan" always always always .. always .. is to leave status quo .. afterall that's what mother "feels", she wants to be left in her own home.
What about what I "feel", that it isn't viable and this shouldn't continue to turn in my direction simply because you make the choices you do DH ...
DH: "Dorker, I have already bought tix for the ball game tonight to take those two boys .. they are sitting on go, waiting on me to come get them ... I can't disappoint them ... can you go and check on mother and spend some time there".
Me: "No."
DH: "Why not .. what do you have to do this evening?".
Me: "Why not? - because I have made it clear that I will not enable a bad care plan. And whatever I am doing this evening, it will not be checking on your mother."
DH: "WHY?, ......... I can't be in two places at one time Dorker .. I didn't know mom was gonna get sick and need somebody to go check on her .. you won't help me out here?".
Me: "Why? I refer you to my previous answer. And yes you did know that, if not tonight then tomorrow, as she did yesterday and last week. And so no, I will not help you continue to shoot yourself in the foot."
But Dorker, anyway, in any case, all of this is in the past. DH would not be in that position, because he already knows that you won't step in and he himself has never coped well with MIL's actual care.
You're not just jumping the gun, you are catastrophising. Stop it.
I understand!
My mother is now in the hospital (gallbladder; won't take it out because of her age; may have the drain in for....? how long?). She's accepted rehab facility next step, and then after that it will probably be the AL or home decision. I am not posting much, but I am still following your story, Dorker!
I just want to say one more thing before I head to the hospital this morning. One of my brothers wondered if "we" had checked out rehab facilities. Well, no, we haven't. I am at the hospital, exhausted with my mother's many demands, and I am going by the info I am given. I am familiar enough with the area to know what's what. I live in a metro area of over 1 million people, so there could be a LOT of places to check out. I think there was some unnecessary criticism of Dorker's SIL for not thoroughly investigating rehabs. I can relate very well to the exhaustion, and it's an unreasonable expectation.
When my father was going to rehab, my mother and I did check out a few places (and the one we agreed to he eventually died in from a c-diff infection he got there in his weakened state). Ratings can be meaningless and outdated (we are given ratings on the list we are given in the hospital). In the end, how different are any of them? Not very different, I suspect. NO rehab place would have been good enough for Narcissa.
I suspect it might be the same case with my mother.
You have to recognize at this point, after the developments yesterday, that nothing you say, nothing you do, no solutions that you come up with matter. This is SILs and DHs problem. Let them deal with it.
Do not answer SILs calls or texts. If you can’t ignore them, block them. She has DHs cell number. He won’t answer her, tough. Not your problem.
You don’t owe SIL or DH an explanation about anything. They know how you feel. Should they ask for assistance, cut them off, NO.
Surely by now you see that you can not make a difference here. Let MIL, SIL, DH, muddle through this. Lies, manipulation, bad decisions, they are and have created their situation. Let them deal with it.
At this point you really should cut yourself a break. You can not make a difference here. No you won’t help...NO. No explanation needed or owed to anyone.
In that scenario .. the world didn't stop spinning ...
What you saw mostly .. was the continual need and no way to meet it, in many cases.
The very reason, the precise reason I did what I did. The care needs increasing .. inability on my part to live my own life and make plans of any sort as to what I wish to do .. on any kind of routine basis .. as the world could be flip flopped on a moment's notice at that time, .. with whatever calamity has now befallen the whole set up.
I staked my claim, .. to the fact, I won't support this any longer, and stood firm. Yep.
Did money bags fall from the sky at that point, to enlist the 24/7 live in care that MIL needs (but would never accept any damn way .. she doesn't want all the comings and goings) ........... did MIL then accept she'd have to enlist the help of "others" to the degree that the supposed Team MIL now was up and running and fully firing on all cylinders, did we find that somehow MIL's needs were miraculously cured. Nope.. none of the above.
Indeed I wasn't stepping to that need any longer .. for sure. But doesn't mean the "need" ceased.
Nope.. now you have DH .. as has been the case, .. who lives his life with whatever priorities he deems appropriate as to running his own life (as we all should have the ability to do) .. now making his plans, be that church functions, hunting .. work restraints .. whatever the case may be ... and then .. oops .. looks like the world has upended here, MIL has (fill in the blank) problem .. now what am I gonna do.
Well, if it's a sprinkler head that is malfunctioning . or a toilet that's clogged, .. or a fridge that isn't freezing .. or any number of other "stuff" that goes on as to households .. yep .. answer would generally be "Okay well I can't get there today, but I will try to run by there tomorrow (or fill in the blank) and get it taken care of".
Much the same as it has been all thru the years .. only in years past .. those things yes, seen to by him, me on the front with health upending.
Only now I had stepped away from the health upending .. and stop the presses .. the MIL needs attention .. that arts show you were going to Dorker .. call your friend .. explain you can't go .. MIL has (fill in the blank) . gotta go see about her.
That was my world for too long and I put a stop to it.
So now .. you had DH called to the front for whatever health calamity . as well as the household things that go wrong. Only .. he has been living his life .... as I now struck claim to.
And so now that meant the upending of any plans he'd made, much as I had lived and now negated the ability to look in my direction for all the upending that goes on continually.
Those of you who have followed all this, remember the fact that I sat down with SIL, made an Excel spreadsheet of all the demand .. and said that I wasn't going to be able to do it any longer and so forth and so on .. you all remember that resulted in .. in the end, .. "TEAM MIL" will now be at the ready .. and I was admonished by DH .. "she's a loved one, you go to the ends of the earth for your loved ones .. you don't throw in the towel" ..
Henceforth what you saw was that DH .. called to the front .. (fill in the blank) as to the health calamities .. and sometimes .. most times .. he'd go see about it .. after much bi&ching .. that he has thus and so to do and now he can't go do thus and so .. because he has to now go see about MIL ... but .. there were times .. that he was absolutely livid .. and insistent this has to change .. and furious .. mostly when he'd get called in the middle of what was a workday .. him on the other end of the world as far as geography and her location, with the slow drawn out .. feeble
with the slow drawn out, feeble voice of "where are you?", as if he's sitting in a park around the corner, just waiting .. with not a thing to do ...... for that phone call, that she isn't feeling right, something is wrong .. or whatever (fill in the blank) ..
Sometimes, that would get aimed at me .............
"Dorker I am all the way out in __________________ , mom has called (or SIL has called) ......... mom is ___________(as to whatever ailment) .. I can't stop what I'm doing here and pick up . and go in that direction .. I can't do it .. can you go out there and see about _________".
That would generally get met by me, with something akin to "where's Team MIL DH?".
A response (angry) ....... "I don't know, I don't have time for this horse chit Dorker . I don't know .. I just know that she is calling and ________________is going on ..... I need you to go see about __________".
Generally behind all that .. that which creates friction in my world now .... I HAVE SAID IT FOLKS, I'M NO LONGER THE GO TO HERE ...........
Generally .. any talk/dialogue behind all that later, with DH .. "well she's gonna be carted out of here by SIL .... SIL will see .. she's gonna find out for herself .. MIL needs more care .. she will have her in her household .. so we just have to deal w/it til we get there".
In the interim it would be whatever next calamity was on the radar .. and yes .. sometimes he'd go . no bi&ching .. he'd go and address it .. sometimes not. Sometimes .. it was inclusive of now upending my existence with friction .. for a decision I don't support .. and I kept saying it. Didn't change it.
So now we've had MIL in SIL's care .. and you guys see where that has gone.
And so now the answer, .. forthcoming from DH .. "I think you're jumping the gun here Dorker .. you're getting the cart before the horse .. SIL hasn't said in Spring time she leaves here .. and MIL is left here to fend for herself . if that's her assertion then she and I will have a talk, that's not gonna stand .. she's gonna bring her here (on that .. we both agree, . do what you think you need to do, she's unhappy in IL .. bring her here .. whatever) ...... she's gonna bring her here, .. her and B .. and she's gonna work on placement .. here in FL rather than IL .. either that or mother gets on that plane with SIL when it leaves in the Spring and goes back with her, leaving her is not an option .. ".
I AM SICK TO DEATH ............... of their intransigence on all of this issue ... and the creation of friction in my hemisphere that results . it's not fair to me, I am a DIL in all this. I have done more as that DIL than ever should've been called upon. And their recalcitrance . ........... continued ......... recalcitrance .. leaves it still .. in my household to deal with ........... and I'm sick of it.
I think if I could have any assurance whatsoever .. that my relationship going forward .. is one of "enjoying" .. whatever time MIL has left on this earth .. and being company to her periodically .. but all the other b'chit that goes along with c/g'ing . and incidents and upending of whatever the world holds in store .. that falls elsewhere ..and not in the form of friction in my existence as a result of their intransigence .. if I could have the absolute assurance, .. "nope Dorker .. we get it, you are done/done/done and done .. and you can take it to the bank, .. whether I am on the moon .. with whatever my radar has for the day .. and I've rocketed off to the moon on a spaceship .. I will .. stop what I am doing .. and go attend to mother and her needs, since I am .. complicit in this decision .. to leave her be, in her precious ... home that she can't bare to depart from .. I get it .. don't worry one iota . your job from here forward .. you will just go visit when it suits you or not .. but all the other b'chit that occurs .. not on you . I won't dare turn to you .. no matter what .. this is mine and SIL's choice
You did step away from the situation physically. Now you have to step away emotionally.
Figuring this all out is going to be a battle of the wills between DH , MIL and SIL. Pop some popcorn and watch, don’t interject yourself emotionally.
Besides, your answer as mentioned should just be nope, I'm out. You've made it clear to DH that whatever happens, you will not be a stepper and fetcher, it will be his and SIL's problem if they want to follow through with the insanity of bringing MIL home. It's okay to be the bad guy here. It doesn't feel pleasant to have to do so, but sometimes it's what it takes for people to learn that you won't enable any longer.
"this is mine and SIL's choice and we will wear it, live it, be it, breathe it . daily if that's what it takes .. don't worry one bit .. not gonna call upon you because she now has (fill in the blank) as a problem .. not your problem".
But of course, that's not what occurs.
And it won't.
The dog gets sick
She's hurt her back and needs to get to doc
She has swollen/basketball size ankles and needs ____
She needs to get to the dentist ....
She needs, needs, needs.
Me over here with .. "nope not supporting what you guys are enabling . nope .. gunna sit right here and watch the program on tv that I've recorded and been wanting to see, .. sorry DH that your plans tonight were to go and do thus and so .. figure it out . not enabling it anymore ... now step aside would you ......... can't see the tv, you're in the way".
I don't know, he's right .. that as her intention .. she leaves in the Spring of 2019 .. and all is well and rosey with the world and team MIL (yea right) takes the helm .........he's right .. she hasn't said that.
But she also has a history of doing precisely that .. and just as recent as a week ago was on the page herself . that her mom needs more help . that she can't do it ..
Only to now send forth missives that the nurse finds in her mom,.. astounding that there was inpatient anything ordered, doesn't appear that bad off .. sends forth missive that the nurse thinks the climate there not good for her .. and so FL it is to be .. sends forth missive that she and B will stay til spring and nothing further as to what happens in the spring ..
And somehow I'm supposed to be assured .. "that's not happening" just like I was supposed to be assured, "team mil" was on in it ......... just like I was supposed to be assured, .. "SIL is coming to cart her outta here, .. she will see for herself" ...
I'm just sick of it.. and the friction it all creates in my life. I can take up the helm .. and be the driver of all things MIL .. and be the go to .. and step and fetch to MIL's content .. for as long as the world revolves .. or I can step off .. and then watch as friciton builds in my world for my "refusal" to go to the ends of the earth for out loved ones .. for my "refusal" to help ..
What about you guys and your refusal to make any kind of comprehensive sensible damned plan .. what about that .. no . you guys are the ones that wanna hold her hand .. and placate all this . have at it .. do it then.
It's your time to be grandma and enjoy your grand kids and live your life the way you want, not dictated by someone else's constant crisis. But her offspring keeps leaving her at your doorstep and walk away. And you can't turn a blind eye.
Seriously, if I were in your shoes, I'd tell them, if/when MIL has another crisis and they all turn to you, your course of action would be to dial 911 and give the operator MIL's address and that's IT. Paramedics can break the door down to enter and cart off MIL to ER. Hopefully, from ER/hospital, MIL would be released to a NH.
And if SIL can't bare to have her mom in a NH, she can upend her life and fly to FL immediately to take MIL back home.
OMG! I agree with you Dorker - I think SIL is smoking something. MIL DOES have dementia and short term memory loss. [What year is it? What is this RX for ?] Someone needs to grow a pair and make decisions based on the facts.
DH and SIL are just like my older siblings. Caving in and doing EVERYTHING to keep Mommy Dearest happy. Too afraid of her wrath to stand up to her. Boy does it get ugly.
What really makes me grind my teeth is that they still want YOU to pick up their slack. You have no say in the matter, yet they make a beeline for you when something goes haywire. Let's dispatch Mrs. Fix It Dorker and get her on the scene pronto.
I don't blame you for being angry, anxious, or trying to anticipate future need and how to protect yourself from the fallout from this ridiculous "plan B".
Stay strong and you have my continued Prayers.
And what, exactly, has Dorker been asked to do, what is she likely to be asked to do, and what will stop her from saying no, whether that's "no sorry" or "go and **** yourself" according to her strength of feeling at the time?
Yes, stay strong. But also - detach. In fact, the more detached you can become the less strong you will have to be when DH double books himself. If that ever in fact becomes a problem.
That is what MIL was told.
And that was the "plan" indeed. Yep.
Now, some reflection .. it was thought by SIL .. she'd get her up there to IL .. and remember Dorker carting MIL in for an appt., where I was reminded by the hounder in chief .. several times, "make sure you get that order for PT .. make sure you talk to them, we need an order, so she can get PT". Repeatedly.
Yep .. saw to it ..
Dorker was over here with a mindset of "when pigs fly" .. MIL no more suited to PT than newborn babies .. she's had diahrrea for near a month .. and even before that, she was afflicted w/what was it .. oh .. what she thought maybe was recurrences of UTI's and self-medicating .. and before that . the mysterious recurrence of the back/rib pain that she doesn't wish to follow through on.
My thoughts . that I didn't speak out loud so as to be Dorker Downer .. in it all ............... "SIL you want what??!!?!?!?? What the he77 planet are you on that you think you're gonna cart her up there and load her in the car a few times a week and trot off to PT .. do you have any flipping damn clue how weak and compromised your mother is?!?!?.
I didn't say that, .. I went with the flow .. by golly .. if that's what SIL needs to tell herself .. to get her mom in her clutches .. and makes her believe she will strengthen her mom with one more damned whirligig .. in the form of PT .. go for it.
I knew full well, that ain't gonna be possible, but didn't fight city hall. Went with the flow .. got that all important written order for PT.
SIL arrives here mid-August to retrieve her mom .. a stay of a week, to organize and pack. Finds her mom .. chitapalooza in full bloom .. ongoing now at that point .. maybe about a month .. now panicked .. SIL is anyway .. that her mom won't be able to fly back with her .. gotta get chitapalooza under control here.
She did it. She got that stopped, so she thought .. and off they went, on the plane to IL, where chitapalooza returned in full force.
SIL now on her end, fighting chitapalooza .. via Depends/diet .. etc etc.. .and carting her mom off to the gastro doc for whatever tests (no there's been no conclusion to all of it). SIL sleeping with her mom who is too weak to even (even on a normal day but further weakened now from being sick) .. to get up in any hurry and scurry on off to the bathroom. Sleeping with her mom the first couple of weeks, .. as she fought the chit storm there, to bring it under control . and grabbing stool samples .. and carting em off to the lab, visits to the gastro doc for tests, etc.
In the interim with all that is when B went manic .. and so she was now having to also try to wrangle that under control. Somewhere in there, the dog also . now bleeding from the rectum, to add to the mix of chaos there. Dealing with that now also.
Somewhere in all that the chit storm seemed better under control, and SIL now fell ill herself .. strep throat .. and then some bad reaction to some meds and hospitalized herself ...
And add to that mix .. that MIL . no sooner than SIL is released from her own hospital confinement .. (not even time to recoop herself) is off to the knee doc for MIL's knee injections, where MIL begins babbling her words .. and garbled speech .. off to the ER .. where it's determined likely a TIA ......... maybe brought about in the fact MIL had failed to take her meds while SIL was MIA .. confined to the hospital.
MIL dispenses with the garbled speech episode which has now waned, all these episodes seem transient .. speech resumed normalcy.. MIL discharged to go home.
SIL brings here home .. and then the next day .. is when MIL begins exhibiting some serious confusion .. using Lysol Wipes for
Using Lysol wipes for TP .......... trying to drink her bowl of jello .. sucking on the lip balm instead of applying it .. so on and so forth .. and so SIL off to the urgent care, .. pondering if it's a UTI .. though MIL had been released only a day before from the hospital.
It was inconclusive as to any UTI, and recommendation . off to the ER again.
(((Meanwhile that much sought after, order for PT .. hasn't been seen to .. in all the chaos ongoing)))
SIL having mentioned throughout all of this .. that it's too much .. she's seeing now that it's too much . her mom requires more care .. more than she is able to hold up to do ..
I could've predicted as much and been the Dorker Downer of the whole bunch at any insistence for a PT order .. but I didn't . I went with the memo handed out .. it's all gonna be okay .. SIL is gonna breathe new life into all this situation.
Then SIL gets her up there and the symphony of chaos ensues .. and SIL herself, her words, "I see now, this is more than I can do" .. and actually asks me .. so does MIL .. that they are seeing she's going to need more care, would I, on this end .. begin to look into AL .. and some of the ropes to that path.
Meanwhile, SIL .. somewhat at my urging . fights for and finally gets that mysterious all-elusive .. "inpatient" label .. that, at least at that time, SIL too thought was needed .. she can't care for her mom's deep need .. she needs to be somewhere in as setting where can have better support ... fights for it and gets that inpatient label and the route forward to Rehab.
There, you guys are aware .. the rug pulled out from under it . it was just so bad there .. so dismally depressing .. all there, as patients .. far worse off and in worse shape .. just too dismal to leave her there . .brings her home. With order for HHC and PT.
And of course, .. then yesterday this text forthcoming .. that the nurse arrives there .. and is absolutely astounded (said with so much dripping b'chit .. I could puke) .......... at how MIL is ...that she cannot believe that MIL got inpatient anything .. she doesn't seem bad off enough that it's warranted.
And the nurse too, (again, so much dripping sarcasm in my tone you could cut it with a knife) ....... concurs that IL climate . not suitable .. MIL needs to be carted off to FL.
Is it any damn wonder I opened an aorta over this crap yesterday?
I had been told by DH .. along with months prior having been told TEAM MIL will step to the forefront (never came to fruition and I knew it wouldn't) .. but play along I did. I had been told by DH .. "SIL is coming to get her .. and she will see for herself how untenable all this is, all we can do is get through it, til SIL gets here to get her". Play along I did.
Then SIL gets her there, and in full view .. she's got it, right in her face .. and admits it's too much .. and the convo begins as to AL .. and so forth .. and she then goes and undoes the steps towards that path .. via any Rehab stint .. and then .. I left it alone .. I didn't start any war with my Dorker Downer biz .. and tell them all they have rocks for brains .. I left it alone .. I didn't call SIL and preach her funeral for what she'd done.
Then this unsolicited text arrives yesterday that paints just the picture .. concurs with just the picture SIL finds suitable, to have justified her pulling the rug out from under above .. and further .. paints a pic that MIL doesn't even seem qualified for inpatient anything .. she's not bad off enough for that.
So yes, that had been the path .. at one point, .. MIL will be returned here by xmas . that's what MIL was told. For sure, that's correct.
But all that has occurred in the interim . and SIL even saying herself .. it's more than she can do .. I guess I thought foolishly that what it is that I SEE in all this .. is finally on at the drive in theater .. and in full view .. for all to see .. and all are now recognizing
That all are now recognizing what it is I've been saying all along.
So yes, MIL was told she'd be returned here by xmas .. that's correct.
And I guess that is the "plan" .. when SIL mentions .. "so I guess we go back to the original plan .. and we bring her back down that way and me and B will stay with her until spring".
But now, suddenly .. because a visiting nurse spent all of maybe 30 mins at the most there, .. and someone not even aware of all the moving parts in all of this .. this nurse deems MIL so fit as a fiddle . and oh no . no no .. this climate not suitable for her .. all is well with the world again.
It will be interesting as has been found in the past .. when I have purposely ignored directives via text from SIL .. only to then have myself hunted down like a mangy dog .. in the form of YD appearing .. "Mom .. SIL says she's trying to get ahold of you and you aren't answering .. what's up?".
I don't wish to pull YD into it all, and further . more to the point .. no one has lived it but me, what my experience is and I don't care to deal with the chagrin of those who don't understand .. and don't agree ..
Yes, YD finds in SIL .. annoying as HE77 .................... but ............. SIL doesn't .................... and hasn't bugged her not an inth of degree that she bugs me. What little she does surface on YD's radar .. even that is annoying. But somehow .. the fact that I would "block" her .. will be seen as being overly harsh and "ridiculous".
Don't care. What I need is peace .. whether you understand is immaterial to me.
They are fully aware of my sentiments on the whole thing, and incidentally . also believe with every fiber of their being .. MIL needs 24/7 supported care ..
BUT ...
They also find in me, fault that I don't .. as DD would have it ."just ignore her" . or as YD would put it, .. "why do you let it get to you".
Thus, I stay very neutral . and don't provide any sway as to what might be problematic to them and their dealing with MIL scene.
Things will play out how they play out, but you don't have to let it upend your life any longer. Not your circus.
Even a fleeting conniving thought to block SIL from texting DH too. Haha
I won't...
But might as well as bad as he is at responding.
Haha, sneak YD's and block SIL from doing an end around to ask her where is her mom.
Might ponder that (just kidding).
To wit:
You got MIL moved to IL
You got DH to say that MIL cannot come back to Fl to live alone.
You got SIL to admit her mom needs more care than she can give.
Not sure what more you want.
Block SIL's texts if they cause you agita.
Resolve that if MIL gets moved back to her home and anyone calls with an "emergency" you call 911. Or the mobile vet. Or mobile grooming unit.
Understand that you might need to be unpopular. I know. I'm a people pleaser too. You won't die from people on your family not liking you.
If dh says " for God's sake dorker" you say " I told you no and I meant it. I'm calling 911".
Can you resolve to do that? What is your worst fear about this?
That DH will hate you? That he'll leave?