I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Or is she simply keeping you in the loop?
Got DH to see that his mother cannot be returned to FL to live alone. Until . .popular opinion .. as mandated .. and presented by SIL and MIL ......... dictates otherwise .. and then status quo returns.
Got SIL to admit her mom needs more care, .. until .. the agenda suits her to placate her mom's wails and moans of returning to FL, soon to come.
As you can see I have about zero faith that any of the above, "sticks". Not mine to navigate. Got that.
The fallout of it though, .. does impact me, greatly.
What am I afraid of, that he will leave? No.
People pleasers aren't generally known as folks that are able to "sit" well with anger and animosity .. even more so, aimed at them .. and even more to the point, for something they can neither control or caused.
An example of a real situation that occurred. MIL in need, .. I had just been there, .. and gotten whatever it was she needed, . on my firmly laid boundary of Thursday .. oh but this was a Saturday ... and she "needs" again. DH was working ... YD was working ... I don't know where DD was .. but she's rarely called upon (3 little kids she has to drag out .. and likely bringing them around, with their susceptibility to germs .. and spreading germs . always frowned upon). As we know, Team MIL .. non existent. I'm also aware at this point, that DH has been working long long hours.
But such is our life .. and .. such is the situation that had me acting in his stead for years, to run interference on all that, until I stopped.
I presume SIL had attempted to reach out to DH .. got nowhere .. him working .. not responsive to texts, calls .. whatever, I don't really know. I know that MIL tried to call here, and as I would choose to do at times, I ignored the call (MIL doesn't text).
Before long, up pops the text from SIL .. who has by now been advised by me, via our sit down talk we had, .. any requests that are DH's to own .. can be directed to him .. not via me, henceforth.
Before long .. up pops a text from SIL . whatever the need was .. it was something health related .. I can't remember precisely . maybe she had chitapalooza again .. maybe she needed BRAT diet foods .. I can't remember ..
Ignored the text sent this way by SIL. Ignored earlier a phone call from MIL. I had, .. set my boundaries pretty much at that point, and my approach with MIL .. I'd generally call her on Wednesday .. before I'd go there for my set Thursdays .. and ask if she had any needs I could see to on my way there. Outside of that, .. I didn't generally answer any phone calls from MIL .. her calling her, really pretty fruitless . unless DH was home, in which case I'd hand the phone to him . and not even answer it. Let him answer it.
So you have MIL has tried to call here .. (my feeling, call your son . I go on Thursdays). I didn't know at that point (found out later in moments later) .. so you had MIL having called here .. you had SIL in short order the blowing up the text here . ignored by me.
Wasn't long before DH was calling. I guess one of the two finally got thru to him, absent any ability to reach me.
DH: "Mother needs ______________, and I'm under the gun here, I cannot pick up everything and go get it .. can you go run over there and take care of that for me".
Now, I may have been doing nothing but cleaning out a junk drawer . or watching an old movie .. don't recall that I had anything pressing on my agenda at the moment .. but no .. I am NOT stepping back into that role. She doesn't need to be living alone, she's far too needy/far too frail . and I can't keep doing it and have said so, countless times.
So the answer given to DH: "No .. I go there on Thursdays DH".
DH: "Damnit Dorker .. I am working my azz off .... I haven't seen daylight in days . .working from
'working from sunup to sundown on this damned thing here .. I don't have time for this chit ..
Me: "That's unfortunate .. I'm sure you will work it out".
DH: "Damnit Dorker .. what the eff ever .. I guess I'll work my effing ass off and then come in from work and go that way".
Me: "okay".
That was that.
Until later .. and the inquisition on how I can be so cruel .. that she didn't intend to get old/frail/needy .. that she can't help it ..
To my argument .. "I didn't intend for it to happen either, but here we are, and btw DH .. where's that Team MIL .. neighbors? Anybody try to enlist them".
DH: "You know she won't ask any neighbors for help".
Me: "Not the bill of goods I was sold a few months back, she was to be able to call upon MOW drivers and neighbors .. oh .. so now the story goes . she doesn't wanna bother them. Well, I don't want to be bothered either".
DH: "Ya know, you're gonna get old to one day .. you better hope there are some people in your life that are more caring than you are".
Me: "I did care, for too long DH .. and the need is too great, sick of saying it".
DH: "I don't have time for this, .. I can't be all the way out in ___________ and working my azz off . .and then have to come in .. why couldn't you just handle it".
Me: "Why can't you and your sister see to a better care plan"
DH: "She doesn't WANT TO HAVE TO GO TO ONE OF THOSE PLACES DORKER!".
Me: "and I don't wanna have to jump and run everytime she beckons .. so there we have it don't we .. not my mom DH".
This .. just one example of the discontent/argument/consternation that can crop up .. and disrupt my zen (for lack of a better word) .. on a moment's notice. Just because this elderly woman refuses to do otherwise .. and somehow it all circles back to .. that I need to be hopping to. I didn't do it, as you see .. I didn't hop-to. And yes, he had to go after working long hard hours .. and go take care of whatever it was.
So the response here, .. maybe one of . "well he is now seeing .. his mom can't live alone .. because his world too has been upended enough .. in all that it takes".
Maybe . but I don't know that I buy that argument, until popular opinion persuades otherwise. And there ya have it, back to consternation/argument/discontent in my household, as a result of something I can't control, nor did I cause.
So what am I afraid of? That .. the fact that my life .. can be filled with turmoil on a moment's notice .. simply because I stake claim to not being the stepper and fetcher. Stand firm, I did .. and will . but it sure doesn't equate to peace .. not by any stretch .. at times.
In the end, maybe my people pleaser character .. I am left to feel that it's all my fault .. if I'd just hop on back in . that everyone else is on this page .. poor poor pitiful MIL . who has no choices .. she didn't "choose" to get old .. if you'd just get over your damn selfish ways Dorker.
I have been anything BUT selfish .. for many many many years .. and in the end, burned out badly. And doesn't matter .. the expectation is still there.
Now had he been sitting here watching a football game on tv .. and not busy/preoccupied with some other responsibility .. I might've heard some bi&ching . and I did on those occasions . "Damn no rest for ole H is there". And I might've heard some rumblings .. "damnit .. she does NOT need to be living alone, she can't take care of herself .. it's always something". Some rumblings . but off he'd of gone .. without blasting me.
It was the fact he was busy .. and tired .. from working hard long hours .. and so it now became my fault. That's just one example, there are others.
So, my fear .. status quo as the norm .. once again .. MIL left with the words of SIL "oh she knows she has to take her meds now, she's doing good with it", .. "oh she hasn't had diahrea now in months, she'll be fine". or ..... "she hasn't had UTI in months" ..
To SIL response somewhere along the lines of: "Well what am I gonna do Dorker .. I can't tie her up and make her go .. she doesn't want to go . .and I can't stay here".
I get it you can't stay here .. I get that .. but you can work harder to make her understand what her life and her needs will be, absent anyone to answer to them .. and when you can't get someone hopping . then you can figure a damn way to sit with the discomfort of that, it's the choice you and DH make in your refusal to address it.
That gets met with .. "This is all just terribly hard .. I can't be here all the time, I can't tie her up and make her go .. there's no handbook/manual that tells me how to navigate all this .. I'm just doing the best I can to be here when I can be to help her .. I do the best I can . but I can't be here all the time ..
ROUND AND FRICKIN ROUND IT GOES.
So yea .. fear that things will return to more status quo.
Life has been a lot better absent MIL and her needs . present in this vicinity .. and in the care of SIL.
I know that SIL has been living a damned nightmare with it all. But that ought to be, at least in MO .. onus to prompt .. change. But seemingly . nothing does.
AND ROUND AND ROUND AND FRICKIN ROUND IT GOES .. landing right back in my hemisphere with anger/consternation at times.
I think you have explained the situation with MIL to DH and SIL sufficiently for them to understand if they were capable of doing so. At this point, I would just cheerfully the whole lot of them. "Well, looks like you have a problem - good luck!"
Is there any reason why you would volunteer Thursdays? Maybe it would help SIL and DH to "get it" if you made yourself less "reliable". Dependable is not a virtue with these folks.
How she will get her groceries I've been getting for her in her staunch refusal to use grocery delivery "I don't want people coming and going". Dunno. Not my circus/not my monkey. How her car will be driven (a car that should be sold and dispensed with. Short of a miracle from the heavens above that restores her viability .. she will never drive again . even tho . the car has been driven weekly by me, . to assure it will not waste away and not crank). How that gets seen to, dunno. Not my circus ..
How the deck gets swept off .. dunno
How the dog gets to the groomer .. on the occasion that it falls on that set Thursday .. dunno.
How the dog gets to the vet, in the event it falls on the given Thursday .. dunno.
How she gets to the doc/dentist .. as SIL works mightily to schedule wherever/whatever she can on that most important day of the week, when Dependable Dorker is on the scene. Dunno. Her staunch refusal to avail herself of any other public services for same .. not my circus any longer.
How the many other things I was "KIND" enough to continue participating in, to answer to, as to her needs, on only a Thursday .. dunno.
I will be her friend. But if in being her friend, there are markers of .. "but being a friend means you help the person" .. if it comes at that cost .. then I guess I won't even be her friend. I'm done.
Strengthening your spine, your ability to say "no", figuring out how to tolerate the uncomfortableness of change in family dynamics? All good things to work on in therapy.
Until I went to therapy, I thought I had to agree with my husband in all things. That "upsetting" him was a terrible thing. I learned to say "no" and mean it. Kept myself and my kids safer and yes, ultimately, I ended up divorced, but that was in the service of keeping my kids from being abused. You are not in that situation.
"Can't tie her up and make her go to one of those places?" Oh dear, that's the only alternative he sees?
How about accepting food/grocery delivery, pharmacy delivery, Amazon delivery, mobile groomer etc? A doctor who comes to the home, etc?
DH sees the world through his mom's eyes, not the reality that there is LOADS of flexibility that she could have shown in the past, but didn't. Because her children never say "no" to her and then throw YOU at the problem. (I want to point out that as soon as SIL said something along the lines of "I can't do this anymore" AL WAS on the table. They just need to effing tell her "no".)
I understand that you fear what might be coming down the pike. I think in your shoes, I would make some travelling/work/entertainment plans for the next several months and stick to them.
DH and SIL need to have you out the rotation in order for them to be forced to deal with their mother's situation.
And? If they see fit to return her to FL to live alone and unaided, call APS anonymously. Say that you are a neighbor who is concerned about this feeble person who has no help.
Ouch and sizzle. So true.
Remember that, Dorker. And BIG HUGS.
You have been sandwiched between these 2 attention whores (MIL & SIL) for decades. How exhausting.
If you think back — and no one could blame you for not wanting to! — MIL & SIL have been playing some version of the “me” game for as long as you have known them.
In years past, MIL & SIL’s “I’m right, RIGHT?” and “don’t mind HER” charade probably manifested with asinine dust-ups about....
The best route to drive somewhere. The “correct” way to pre-clean a pan before putting it in the dishwasher. The food at SIL & BIL’s wedding reception. The “right” way to decorate a Christmas tree.
Fast-forward to now. Voila! Nothing gets better with age. And narcissists get worse with age.
The vain types become a caricature of self-importance. The “I know what everybody needs” types become intolerable.
Both types will deflect with false humility, when it suits them. Which is annoying - and insulting - to the people in their lives who want to have a real conversation.
So here y’all are.
Again Dorker, BIG HUGS. 🧡
Already feeling some of the animosity and frustration at my absence in it all.
So, in talking with DH this morning .. asked him has he heard from his sister on any of the latest.
Reason I asked that - it miffs me that much like history has played out with this whole thing .. and I'd asked along the way at intersections in all this .. as someone who was called to the front routinely .. and so wanting to get to the horse's mouth and get some input interjected .. and .. wanting to have my thoughts heard .. I'd ask .... "we need to talk, can you make some time .. call me, or we can go to lunch when you're here". History .. it never happened.
This has been the well ingrained pattern in the whole thing. No time, .. so busy digging out weed beds, and any of a number of other busyness that precludes any ability/time to actually sit down and talk, to the person you so routinely call upon as help in the situation.
UNTIL ...........
I had all but exited the scene .. and demanded .. back in the spring . that I have asked countless times to be heard .. and not via text .. and so make some time to talk to me .. and then it did happen. Yes, finally after all the many many months of my being over here .. the loud kid in class that won't shut up about what it is that's on MY agenda with it all.
Finally.. SIL did bring herself forthwith .. and we sat face to face, no distractions of MIL and her needs, .. or phones .. or chores .. here .. in my house .. and I talked, she listened. She was made to understand that my stance is one of .. I can't keep doing this .. it's too much .. I have been saying it .. she was given an Excel spreadsheet that charted all the many numerous millions of needs that crop up routinely.
Long and short of that sit down discussion was a bunch more of the "I don't have a manual that tells me how to do all of this .. I'm just doing the best I can with a very difficult situation" to my responses along the lines of .. something akin to .. "you have to realize when you are in a situation like this and you depend on others to help support it, those "others that you depend on" have some say so in how it all plays out in their own personal hemisphere as to their time and energies .. and I'm not doing this anymore. I will go on Thursdays and help her . and that's it .. any need that falls outside of that one specific given day will have to be spoken to in some other manner .. not me, .. along with other hooey presented by me, that she is to .. henceforth cease contacting me when she can't get response from her brother.
So ... the history of her ducking for cover, when asked to "call" me, we need to talk, is there and deeply ingrained. I can't fix it ... the fact that she is so enmeshed .. she and her brother .. in whatever twisted dynamic this family has .. nor do I care to do so.
So .. then you have the other day . these texts begin flying in, painting this rosey picture of how well MIL is, so much better off than the others .. the nurse can't believe (a nurse that spent maybe 30 mins with the mother and is in no way shape or form, apprised of the moving parts of this saga) .. the nurse concurring with SIL .. that she needs to be out of IL .. climate not good there .. that she isn't bad off enough to warrant "inpatient" anything .. so forth.
I said to SIL .. "you need to call us, not text, have some issues to discuss about all this".
((Behind all that, of course, is when I slipped and sent all those texts . texts that were intended for DD .. who'd asked that I bring her up to speed .. she'd called me, on my way
DD had called me, me on the way home from work, to ask me something unrelated to all this .. and I began sounding off on the latest, which yes had sent me into orbit. DD .. as is always the case with her, 3 little kids underfoot and demanding her attn .. asked that I text it to her .. when I get home.
I did that.
Only I put in there, my thoughts/frustrations . not just the facts mam .. no .. I didn't curse anyone and call anyone names ............ but I did put in there, .. .in these texts intended for DD .. all the frustration and anger and so forth .. and then hit send .. and mistakenly it went to SIL. I sent it, in error, . to SIL .. not to DD as intended.
So be it. It was all things I'd of said to SIL ............ had she called me. As I asked. .
So ....... fast forward and SIL then texts again .. much later, after I'd gone to bed, it was about midnight .. and her responses were explanations that she'd just seen all this, had been over at her daughter's .. her daughter's dog having gotten skunked outside .. and so dealing with that .. and that she'd just gotten back in and had to shower and so forth .. and had just seen all this .. and she then puts in another paragraph that she's sorry I'm upset .. that she's doing the best she can blah blah blah. Says as part of that, "it appears you sent me all this in error, intended maybe for DD".
I didn't answer any further .. I had already asked her 2 x's .. that she needs to call us not text.
So of course, fast forward one day between all of it .. and I know she hasn't attempted to call me .. I haven't missed any calls. So be it, she doesn't owe me a phone call .. I get it. But has she at least reached out to her brother?
So I asked DH: "Have you heard anything from your sister?".
Yes . he'd talked to her.
Goes about like this.
DH: "Yes I talked to her, sounds like you sent her a bunch of texts that you meant for DD .. how bad was it ... what as the damage .. what'd you say, have you apologized?".
((my thoughts . apologize? No .. has she apologized for making herself so unavailable))
Me: "No, DH I haven't apologized and I'm not going to .. there was no name calling there was no derogatory tone .. it was the same frustrations .. the same things I'd of said to her on the phone if she'd be courteous enough to oblige the two times she was asked, to call not text .. no I haven't apologized".
DH: "You need to just back on out of all this . .. you don't handle it all, you just need to back on out of it all".
Me: "Oh I am, .. those Thursdays .. that I'd go help .. that's over with .. I will be your mom's friend . and go visit when you do, but caregiving .. in any capacity .. that's over .. I'm not doing that any longer".
DH: (some animosity to his tone) .. "I don't know how you can call yourself any kind of friend if that's how your going to approach things ..
Me: "I don't care to be stepping into that role any longer, your mom needs more care .. is my firm opinion .. whether or not you guys see to it that happens is out of my hands .. I don't mind visiting with her, .. her days are waning and she will be gone .. and I don't want to spend what are her last days .. in complete and utter frustration .. I want to be in a place with her, where I enjoy what time she has left .. being someone that enjoys her .. and her me. All of the *need* the deep incessant *need* ever present .. indicative of someone that needs 24/7 support .. and I'm done saying it .. I will do what works for me . it's not good for me and my own well being to be this frustrated".
DH: (again, frustration and animosity to his tone), .. "I don't know that sister is going to call you at all .. and I don't know how you call yourself any kind of a friend if you aren't willing to help .. but I don't think sister is going to call you at all. I talked to her .. and she is stressed .. she says that she feels so much anxiety and stress and being pulled in so many
She says that she feels so stressed and anxiety filled and pulled in so many directions .. and that now she has me upset with her (referring to her brother) and Dorker is upset with her, and that she's just doing the best she can with a difficult situation. Dorker, she is on her own there .. she doesn't have any help .. and she's the one weathering all of this .. all on her own .. it's terribly difficult .. and I did tell her, Dorker is just afraid (interesting he puts it on Dorker .. when he too has those same reservations) .. you put in there that you and B would bring her back here and stay til spring .. she's afraid that you're gonna bring her back here and leave her alone again. She says that she's not doing that . oh no .. she's not going to leave her .. so . .she's not doing that Dorker .. she knows .. she can't leave her (my thoughts - until she does, as she's always done .. leave her).
Me: "well if there's one good takeaway from all this, it's that your sister has had this in her face, just how bad it is .. and she now sees .. hopefully .. that her mom cannot be left alone again .. and so that's good. Look, .. I'm going on this history of all this, that's all I've got .. she has countless times, left her here and then go on home and I've told her, I've told you .. countless times .. yes she's doing good that's because she's had 24/7 support in SIL being here to follow her around and make sure every nook and cranny is seen to .. she leaves .. the wheels fall off the bus .. and just as I have tried countless times in all this, to get face-time with SIL . the main driver in all of it .. and her failing to do so .. she has done so again".
DH: "she doesn't owe you anything Dorker, you aren't the end-all-be-all in this thing ... it doesn't hinge on your say so .. she's the one living this .. I have to defer to her, she's the one doing it .. hands on".
Me: "Yep .. but it is the courteous thing to do .. really .. in that .. when you have depended on that person so greatly . in the propping up of a situation that isn't tenable .. it's best if you will reach out and be a party to input from that entity .. she's shown the unwillingness to do that .. she's far too deeply ingrained in it all to see the forest for the trees and won't see any other aspect of it all, and I can't fix that .. "
DH: "Oh I told her, she talked of how stressed and anxiety ridden she is in all this .. and I told her .. you are too preoccupied with it all SIL .. you need to get them set up for the afternoon .. her and B .. get them set up with what all they need and get the he77 outta there for a while .. you are living/breathing/seating/sleeping all of it, .. you're too deep .. you need to get out of it .. and go spend some time doing something else, that's all you do .. all day and night every day. She said that's the same thing M tells her .. that she's too enmeshed ..
Me: Well I'm out of it .. I'm not too enmeshed .. and I can see the forest for the trees and have been saying so for a long while, .. the fact that she has .. at least thus far, refused to see it . I can't fix it .. I have a relationship with MIL that I will continue .. as a friend .. if that's what works out .. if not so be it .. not my choice .. I simply am resigning as any caregiver in any capacity with it".
DH: (again animosity to his tone) . "that's good .... you need to get away from it all, you don't handle it right .. I just have to defer to her, she's the one living it".
Me: "Yep ... and I feel bad for her, but I can't fix it .. I don't think she should have to give over her life and her existence .. and her husband's to this whole thing .. but I can't fix that .. only she can .. and if she's not willing to do it .. that's her choice .. she can live her life stressed out and anxiety riddled, .. I chose not to .. she's not my mother".
So at that the subject changed.
But my feeling .. I have blocked SIL from texting me.. which seems to be her
Which seems to be her MO. She doesn't seem to be able to surface to make a phone call, so be it.
No I didn't volunteer that info to DH, to set myself up for further consternation and animosity of how I'm not being a caring friend in so doing. Don't care. As far as I'm concerned, people who "care" make the time to call the other party if that's what's requested, and she's shown countless times that she's unwilling/unable to do so.
So, I have blocked SIL from texting me .............. and so more of the same coming in my direction of "I'm just doing the best I can here" .. and more of the same, of how the nurse finds in MIL the astounding thing that she's not so bad off .. and more of the same, .. that she's doing well with her meds .. or .. whatever .. the lies that continue . wont' be coming in my direction .. to sell me the sunshine she wants to blow up my backside .. sunshine I don't buy.
So fine .. as DH put it, .. "I don't think she has any intention of calling you".
Got it, noted.
I also don't have to participate one iota in a setting that I wholly believe in my every fiber .. is untenable and not healthy and dangerous . and that's not my choice .. and I won't. If SIL wants to give her existence over to the whole thing and how to manage it .. and stress filled and anxiety riddled and live that, that's nothing I can change. But I also don't have to participate in it.
So now .. everyone wants to turn the finger at me, .. and how cruel/heartless or whatever term they'd define it with .. and I'm no "friend". THAT ............. I will have to learn how to weather .. and it's just begun ... at least with fielding DH's disdain .. and some animosity to his tone ..
SO be it.
I'll have to work on being able to "sit" with the knowledge that because I don't see things that way and thus, hop to .. and sign on the dotted line of all things MIL .. and agree to disagree .. that brings animosity to my corner. I'll have to navigate how to get there, that's all there is to it.
But let's say SIL goes home, MIL in house. Then some need arises, DH is called, but he is at a work site. You say "No. I told you I do not agree with the piZZ poor care you and SIL are giving your mom by letting her live alone when you know she cannot, and that I'm not propping up the charade"
then DH blows a gasket and you get the "for Chrissakes...." heat. Now it is an issue not about MIL but between you and DH. He seems already to assume that you will need to help in the MIL goat rodeo because he is accusing you of not being a friend if you don't help already. How much heat and anger can you withstand? Will you do one "For Chrissakes...." errand a week? Two? what is to prevent the whole cartload of @#$# from tipping over on you? I foresee disagreements between you and DH on this. SIL seems hell bent on getting her mom back to FL and I don't think she has a plan for the spring when she leaves.
I had a smaller situation. When our son was a baby, my DH had to travel every other week - flight left early Monday am - so he had to get a taxi at 4am. EVERY DAMN TIME - he would underestimate how long it took him to shower and get ready and he would leave packing to last minute. Taxi outside - calling him on the phone, he running around yelling for this or that and I running around helping. Stressed out. Baby wailing. Every damn time.
So I told him - "make a list, pack the night before, give your self an extra 15 minutes in the morning - but DO NOT WAKE ME OR THE BABY" Sure enough - next morning, the whole circus and I refused to help. I was screamed at, when he got home, he yelled at me because he forgot some paperwork he needed. I told him that his lack of planning did not make me responsible and shame on him for not prepping and waking up his wife who was breastfeeding, who had to get up for work and day care run, and for waking up his son.
next time - same scenario. It wasn't until the third time of me refusing to help that he got it. Now he packs everything the night before, gives him self some extra time in the am, is out the door without stressing himself out, me, or our now 10 year old son. but I was the jerk - "for Chrissakes - the taxi is outside - I'm only asking you to find some socks" He really did not get it.
They will isolate to one small item "for Chrissakes, Dorker, it is just getting some fruit. Why can't you.....?" and you will look like the azz because you won't help with some small request. I feel for you. They tell you "I know you are out of it" but by default when DH can't do something - the "for Chrissake...." errand gets dropped on you. Obviously - what you are doing is not as important as his work/churching/hunting/orphaned boys / MIL need of the day.
If you see SIL ready to leave, maybe a convo with the pastor and DH?
Because yes it's a real probability if SIL does as she's done prior . prop it up with all her hamster wheel running and things look oh so rosey in her view.
We know damn well that DH will go with popular persuasion and won't be the bad cop in it all, he simply will not for whatever enmeshed mess he is with it all. He won't. We know that. If SIL deems it appropriate that MIL is fine, and waltzes off as she's always done .. it'll be more of the same .. and the "for Chrissakes" will begin again, as it always has. Yes, as you term it, while he tends to churching/hunting/orphaned boys/hunting/working .. so on .. and his MIL's needs go unanswered to .. absent the "FOR CHRISSAKES DORKER" stepping in.
So no, I don't have the answers. I have asked him to join me in counseling and of course, he will not do so .. much as his sister shows no propensity for wanting to hear much of what's said from my peanut gallery.
I don't have the answers as to how I can make it more than abundantly clear, that is off the table, .. I don't care if you won tickets to fly to NY for the weekend and see your favorite baseball team .. with the two orphaned boys .. still, that is not going to put impetus on me, to go get special dog food she's out of .. or run go get an rx .. or run go get much of any damn thing.
Just as MIL has hesitancy to call upon and bug neighbors. Put me in that column.
Forgot to add, .. as part of the convo with DH .. and his animosity aimed at me, one of the things he said, .. I guess this is supposed to make me sit up and take notice (and no I didn't fight with him on it, not going to) ..
his words: "your day is coming .. you're gonna get old too and need help .. your day is coming, you've got a rude awakening yourself coming .. we're all in uncharted waters here . just doing the best we can .. you're gonna get old and needy to .. and you've got it coming".
I only answered, "yes and I won't have anyone in my world . I don't presently . that enables a situation that is so unhealthy .. and I will have to agree .. that it's time I go in another direction .. as it should be".
That was my answer.
To his response of: "easy for you to say, able bodied at this point .. you might find it's not so easy when you're the one having to do it"
What I WANTED TO SAY ..................
But I am so not interested at all, in arguing this any longer .. as it was put earlier by another poster ..... can't this be some kinda soap opera that I tune in, or don't .. but other than that, their crazy reality is what they live, not me.
What I WANTED TO SAY ........... was much of "back atcha there buddy", as you ignore texts from your sister . routinely in lieu of orphaned boys and church and hunting and work and so forth .. and then throw the trainwreck at me to deal with ............ back atcha".
But I didn't say that, .. I'm so so so disinterested in argument.
I don't know .. in their world, their view ... as he put it, as part of the whole conversation .. "we're all just in uncharted waters here, doing the best we can .. we knew this day would come .. and had no answers .. and here we are .. in it, living it".
In their world, their view .. it's one of mother ails, mother's dog ails .. mother this/mother that .. and mother's failure to see any other avenue and avail herself of it, .. then .. we ignore (in the case of DH) and attend to those other things that are of interest to us . church/hunting, whatever .. and throw Dorker at the problem rather than DEAL WITH IT ......... head on. Or in SIL's case .. we stand on our head and balance 40 plates in the air and live/breathe all things MIL .. and then sell the sunshine b'chit that she's fine .. and waltz off again ..
I don't view it that way .. and never will. Pointless to argue.
This has all been seen before . in the OD. Anyone who has followed this whole sordid sickening mess .. knows that story. OD .. dx'd as a teen .. with some issues, mental health issues .. (good, I knew something was very wrong) .. bi-polar was the dx. I still don't agree with that as dx .. I think it's more Borderline Personality Disorder .. but .. I'm not a doctor.
OD not compliant one iota ...... very defiant in fact, .. in part .. rebellious teen. but also in large measure . mental health issues. Wouldn't comply with rules ANY DAMN WHERE ..........................school, house .. nothing. All along the way, suicide and homicide ideation (us yes, as victims of said homicide ideation). In and out of involuntary psych holds .. and promises to do better .. only to cheek her meds routinely and spit em in the toilet later .. and refuse any participation in counseling.
All along the way .. she's threatening to those that have to live with her, .. physical threat a real and present issue .. routinely .. yes cops were called, and it was said more than once, "unfortunately people can threaten all they want, there's not much we can do about it, until she actually does it".
I still remember so clearly as if it was yesterday .. her having held a knife to YD's throat (I wasn't home at the time) .. and threatened to kill her if she didn't stop playing the piano.
I remember so clearly .in tears .. asking the police officer, .. "you are seriously telling me she has the latitude to act upon that which she keeps threatening to do and we have a dead sibling or one of us dead ..at her hands .. that your hands are tied, she can threaten all day long and there's nothing you can do".
That was the answer given.
All the while . weathering the counseling .. and the at home therapist that would visit weekly and the calls from school over whatever latest mishap .. as to her acting out .. and psych holds .. sometimes by me, demanded, sometimes by the school.
Her self injuring .. would cut routinely .. but more important . would punch herself in the face, leaving bruises .. and then tell that it was her dad that did it. IT's a wonder we didn't go to jail .. and have our other kids taken from us ..
Until finally one of the times. she was now an older 17 yo .. wouldn't go to school .. had been enrolled ... at MIL's behest I might add, who had taken her in, but soon found out herself, the savior she always thinks of herself as .. she too couldn't deal with it .. she had enrolled OD in a local junior college where there is a GED program .. soon became apparent she was being dropped off by MIL's husband only to then walk right out the back door and sit outside smoking cigs .. til the time MIL's husband would return to her get her.
OD found herself, once again, in an involuntary hold in a psych ward .. and I refused to go get her.
Yep.
I wouldn't do it.
That then brought forth DCF into the whole scene. DCF now charged with the responsibility of ascertaining and sorting out . is this a child (because at 17 .. yes one is still a minor) .. that is being abused (I mean she does have the bruises on her face) .. is this a situation where we need to step in and take the other kids .. maybe they too are being abused.
DCF now visiting the school, to talk to personnel there, .. are they aware of any problems, .. talking to the siblings of OD .. as to whether or not they felt threatened by their parents .. and worse. Talking to church, to neighbors, etc.
DCF trying to get a read on just what's the picture here.
Fortunately it bore out in the end, .. that this was a deeply disturbed young woman who needs far more help than is available (psych wards . of yesteryear gone . in lieu of it was supposed to be community based support .. and that never came to fruition). So you have
So you have in this entire country .. some states better funded than FL is . but not many .. a whole population of mentally ill that now clog up the prisons and that's not where they should be, but there's nowhere else for them .. and they act out and do things they shouldn't .. and so forth. You have a whole segment of society living in the streets/homeless .. there's nowhere for them. Their family can't deal with them .. and they can't follow societal norms .. and so forth.
DCF closed the case.
At that point .. I put OD out. She can no longer live here, period.
You have to know though . . by that time, we would routinely find some of her drawings and notes (very talented artist) .. that depicted the gruesome murder of one or all of us .. She would routinely tell us .. "you have to sleep sometime .. that's when I'll get you". She told DD at one point that she knows how to get mom and dad, she'll kill YD .......... that'll get them.
I put her out .. at the age of 17.
And refused to allow her to live here anymore.
What I did do, was pay her way .. to go live with a guy friend who was living on his own .. a guy friend of her's (no chance she'd get pregnant .. and now we have a baby in the mix .. she is a lesbian).
Paid her way there, insisted she get and keep a job to begin paying her way. She got a job she soon lost at the corner grocery .. and so we were paying her way to live there.
But that soon unraveled as I might've predicted when the guy she was living with called 911 having been told that OD had advised him she took an overdose of all her meds. In the end, she hadn't done any such thing .. but 911 summoned, .. and wanting to take her, her fusing, police on the scene .. she was taken down physically by an officer .. and taken to the hospital and then to a psych ward ................ AGAIN.
At her release .. MIL (the savior) took her in again, pending some other setting. By now, we'd been advised of a halfway house kinda thing in the downtown area .. not a real good area to be wandering .. but if one will stay the course there (designed especially for this kinda thing) .. they will help the person through job coaching .. thru life skills .. thru many things .and ultimately into independent living.
There, . that soon also .. unraveled.
She went from there, to many AL's .. not good ones .
Think of AL's for mentally ill. You have in those settings .. the schizophrenics, etc .. (OD was never a schizophrenic) .. you have people who talk to themselves, talk to walls, .. etc. Very dismal place to be .. and in and out of those settings .. as she wouldn't comply in those settings either ..
All the while I'd be called to the front by her, for some feigned misstep ........... for instance, she is burning up with fever . needs to see a doctor .. she'd claim. I'd get there, only to learn she hasn't been there for days .. they haven't seen her, don't know where she is (by now she was a legal adult and not being criminally remanded to be anywhere, she's as free as you or me, to come and go).
I finally cut ties with her. Told her don't call me anymore, about anything .. that I can no longer be a part of her world that she wants to live in that manner. And I meant it.
She soon became homeless .. so I heard. I had to divorce myself from it all ... and detach .. and MY GOD was it the hardest thing I've ever been through.
Even harder than the MIL saga.
DH stayed engaged .. and would go and get her from this GODFORSAKEN AL's .. and use her some for work . and give her some pocket money to spend .. but I was totally not a part of her world, my own request.
THE ONLY THING that finally righted the course of it all, after a long long time .. was that a friend of her's was selling her dump (should've been condemned) on a rented lot .. for $100 .. and so DH paid the $100 .. (thing wasn't worth $10 .. when I say dump ..
I mean . oh it was a dump .. windows that were broken out of it (and yes it does get cold here .. at times) . and also terribly hot. No heat/no ac. Old .. I think the thing was built before dinosaurs roamed.
Most people who hadn't lived the reality we'd lived .. would look at that and think, "what the he77 is wrong with you guys that you think that's at all suitable for someone to live in .. much less a daughter".
DH .. still a part of her world .. not me. He'd go over and work on . .. replacing windows .. and repairing a never ending roof leak .. gt her an a/c .. get some convection heaters into her trailer for her, update the wiring so the fuses wouldn't blow every time she tried to run the stove but also have a heater on .. so forth. Him still a part of her world.
I remember so clearly washing my hands of it all, and being absolutely furious and confounded that he didn't see fit to do the same. It would incense me to no end that he would continue to invest his time/energy .. and dollars into a situation where we know damn well, she'll get a notion and maybe move to Iowa or whatever .. just wash your hands of her, she'll end up dead or in prison .. that's where this is going .. I was absolutely 1000K% sure of it.
And no it wasn't easy . it was gut wrenching ...... this is a daughter, my oldest daughter, who I hoped so many things for when I brought her into this world. And now the writing, as far as I could see, was on the wall, eventually she'll do something criminal and will be in jail .. if not kill herself .. on purpose. She'll be gone/dead, but there's not a damn thing I can do to save her.
And it angered me to no end that DH would invest in it .. engage.
But each of us is gonna do what we will with any given situation . and he's no different. He had to engage the way that suited him. I had to disengage the way that suited me.
That is the ONLY thing that finally turned this whole thing in a different direction. It wasn't overnight .. it was a long time, of DH going and getting her to work with him .. meaning she was in his presence, and not up to no good .. meaning she was earning a few dollars as needed .. meaning he hadn't washed his hands of her.
She, in the end, took up with an old g'friend who moved in with her, the bought a new trailer (trailer homes, I know depreciate .. couldn't we have bought and built a home for her, no .. we don't have the $ to do that) .. so she now lives in that same lot in a newer trailer home ..
And over the course of it all, .. she became more self-aware .. and more compliant .. with medical treatment and such. And .. at times de-rails .. I hear she has lost her job .. as the bug exterminator .. a job she once loved. She isn't speaking to us presently .. because her dad came at her from the religious perspective (as he will do at times) . on the whole lesbian thing.
I had nothing to do with that conversation so I'm not real sure why she isn't speaking to me, I've tried to reach out to her, to no avail. So be it. She is a person who needs a LOT OF SPACE .. and so she has it .. I'm not going to ever be sucked into her abyss ever again. She knows where we are, .. and if she wants to be a part of my world, she knows she is welcome here .. until then, she has my permission to take all the space she needs.
She is now in her mid 30's.
So ................... looks like I'd of learned that lesson long ago .. distance yourself from dysfunction and the MIL saga .. whoa is it dysfunctional. Distance/distance/distance .. and yea .. they're gonna do things differently .. so be it.
Looks like I'd of learned that. But apparently fate commands I revisit it and learn it again.
I always appreciate you sharing your experience here, sometimes you feel you're the only one who's been through the craziness, and it's a relief to know there are others who can relate. To me it is, anyway. I've been through much the same dang thing with my 20 yo daughter and her mental illness - cops, CPS, narcissistic enabling family members that want to make me and my hubs the bad guys for putting our foot down and saying NO (part of why I went NC with some of them, among many other reasons). Going through it currently with my mom's mental illness and cognitive decline. Daughter not speaking to me or DH right now either, but we have enough to deal with without her added drama, truth be told. I love her, but she'll change if and when she's ready.
Same with your DH, SIL, MIL. Of course you love them, but like you said, they just deal with things however they feel they need to until they've had enough. But that doesn't mean you have to let them snow you into dealing with it the same way and getting sucked back in.
It does feel very very much .. like you're on an island... and all point fingers of consternation and anger.
I feel the exact same about my daughter at this point. She needs her space, and I certainly don't want .. nor am I suited at this point for more drama.
mind this morning?!!
Just kidding! But I know there had to be a bit of relief getting that all off your chest. We’re here for ya!
Anyhoo - I wanted to say that
I totally get where you’re coming from as far as dh’s nasty attitude and resentment. Although- I do think he’s got a helluva nerve considering his almost complete lack of participation in his mothers care. Frankly - the only reasons he’s gotten away with it for so long is because YOU have been acting in his stead. AND - I think his current tantrum is really due to the fact that he’s realizing that he may actually have to DO SOMETHING going forward - with him finally understanding YOU ARE DONE!!! It’s scaring him chitless. He is acting like a bully and an emotional blackmailer. Shame on him!!!
I am a recovering People Pleaser. A full fledged, card carrying, dyed in the wool People Pleaser. Always doing what I didn’t want to do, be who I didn’t want to be - in order to make other people happy.
My recovery began several years ago and with the exception of my husband, son and my mother - I no longer gave a flying eff of what anyone else thought of me.
My need to please my mother ended a year or so before she passed. Mom, about to be moved to a nursing home, was telling me how she was never going to forgive me and that she was sorry that I had ever been born. I replied “well, I’m just gonna have to learn to live with that, aren’t I”. And, as I said it - I realized I meant it. It was a relief. Any lingering feelings of needing to please her died when she did.
But I’ll warn you - becoming a recovering People Pleaser can be a little lonely at times. Once the users - errr...friends and relatives - figure out that you’re no longer going to contort yourself into a pretzel for their benefit - they tend to disappear from your life. Which is really not such a bad thing, IMHO.
However - assuming dh isn’t someone you’d like to see gone from your life - I’d urge you to rethink your position on how and when it might be appropriate to occasionally help him out with this whole MIL cluster f*uk. And when I say “occasionally”, I mean next to never and only in the most dire of situations. Not delivering Gatorade or vegan dog food but perhaps if no one has been in contact with the old gal for a day or so and someone needs to check to be sure she’s not laying in a puddle of poop on the kitchen floor.
I know, I know... Many here are loading up to throw cyber rocks at me. But seriously- I personally would rather make an OCCASIONAL trip over to do a lookyloo than have my “lack of compassion, uncaring, cruel nature”, whatever - thrown up in my face for the next twenty years, every time we had an argument.
As always... But, that’s just me.
Because intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful tool in the behaviorist handbook.
And Dorker; you need to stay in therapy. You are dealing with a toxic and damaged/damaging family who are dead set on making you the scapegoat for their mom's decline and eventual death. This is gonna be all your fault.
Please have a plan for when that happens. If it doesn't, it's all good. If they turn on you, you need to have your escape pod at the ready.
Hunting and churchgoing and taking orphans to BB games while his mother is calling out with numbness in extremities and changes in cognition? What the eff is he snorting, honey?
He has no minor children, which are one's first priority. His spouse's health and well-being should be his next attention grabber. I get that he needs to attend to his own health and well-being, but to throw YOU under the bus while he does for OTHERS is just totally unacceptable.
It feels to me like he engages in those other activities to gain praise and lauds from folks; affirmation that he DOESN'T"T get from Mommy dearest.
Don't you think?
I have been following the latest saga as I am out of town and just checking in every couple of days---I was SO ANGRY to hear of the "change of plans".
Some nurse comes to SIL's and paints the picture of MIL's health to be "not that bad?????" What kind of moron DOES that? I would have been waaaaaay beyond livid.
Did DH or you actually TALK to the nurse, or are you choosing to simply believe what SIL SAYS she said? It all sounds just too "pat" for me--too scripted. She agrees with SIL almost verbatim as to what MIL "needs". Just rings false with me.
SIL is exhausted. I wouldn't put it past her to make this up out of sheer frustration. MIL NEEDS to return to FL because of the weather in IL and how awful it is? Seriously? I'm calling BS on that. Lots of 88 yo's live very happily there, I'm sure!
The whole thing stinks. SIL and poor B haul back to FL in a couple months, they stay until spring, then what? They'll just have to come back and get MIL for "Hurricane Season" which begins in June.
This is madness. I'm gritting my teeth here!!
Your misdirected text was probably a Freudian slip...since you said what you felt, and it got sent to SIL instead of DD...well, now SIL knows how you feel.
This kind of had to happen. NOBODY pays attention to anyone else in the family.....seriously, it's nuts.
Honestly, though, Xmas is a ways off. MIL will likely have some health crisis soon, she's due for one. Nothing to do on your part, just stand firm on NOT being involved,
AND--why the HE&& hasn't DH gone to IL--boots on the ground, talk to this NURSE, SEE hie mother and get the real skinny? One 2-3 day trip and he should be able to get a handle on what's happening. All this handwringing and fussing would make me crazy.
He could also check out a few NHs in IL while he's there, MIL IS going to wind up in one, whether she fusses or not. Is he capable of doing such a task? I mean, could he look at NH's and make a decision about whether one WOULD work for her? SIL really dropped the ball on that.
As far as you stepping out 100%--just do it. Find other stuff to fill your life.You have done far more for this entitled, spoiled, awful MIL than you needed to.
You DO NOT need to defend yourself to anyone.
Toxic/crazy people can only be in your lives if we allow them. I have learned the hard way to sever ties with someone and not look back. I have no energy for emotionally toxic people.
LET SIL pout for a while, hang tough and don't back down.
And breathe-----in and out, slowly---let this go. It ain't over, but you DO NOT need to live it daily and hash it out, over and over. Just let it go.
I'm highly suspicious that HH nurse was just nodding her head yes and agreeing with SIL about all the reasons SIL could come up with to justify leaving the rehab "Against Medical Advice." "Yes ma'am, of course ma'am, you are so right ma'am" equals a good review on whatever scoring system the HH nurses have!
If someone could see inside my brain .. or if I was talking out loud as opposed to just in my head .. it would be the picture of someone seriously mentally ill,
Why am I so misunderstood
Where is the appreciation for the 15 damn years I spent doing this ..
What's so hard about communicating and weighing in all parties and their thoughts on all this, since it has taken all parties to prop it up . what's so hard about that
Why are they so stuck on the pity train .. and stuck in inertia on it all
Why did SIL insult my intelligence with that stupid b'chit from the visiting nurse
Just over and over .. those and many more questions .. bouncing around in my head accompanied by
You can't fix it Dorker .. they're stuck on stupid .. all of them
Figure out a way to be okay with the fingers pointed at you
People do this stuff every day .... deal with their aging parent and need that has increased and inability to step in and meet it .. people do this .. they actually deal with it .. you are dealing, Dorker, with people that wanna hold the hand of pity and wring their hands .. and do nothing
Just so many thoughts/questions bouncing around endlessly and punctuated with a lot of sadness. Dark gloomy day here/overcast and sprinkling rain all day.
It's been a sad day.
DH has left to hunt for the weekend, and I'm glad ..
I'm really hurt by his remarks. Yes, another bouncing thought in my head .. he's having a tantrum Dorker, don't take it personal.
Can he not get on a plane and go talk to the nurse himself, visit NH's .. ???...
You're kidding right? He can tell you when the opening of gun season is, archery season .. so forth and what state . and what wildlife areas .. and what big game.
He "cares" about that, thus is motivated to actually "know that stuff".
Get on a plane and take the initiative to do something in all this. Nah, when he77 freezes over, and more to the point .. easier to point that anger finger at Dorker when it all goes south at his lack of initiative in it (and his sister's).
So I am to believe .. since SIL can't surface for air and make a phone call .. and maybe because she too is tantrum'ing (dont' care actually), I am to believe, per DH . that SIL has no intention of leaving her here in the spring .. she knows that MIL cannot live alone any longer and won't be leaving her.
..................and btw .. what went with all the hand wringing SIL as you debated AL in IL or FL .. that you wanted her in IL .. that would ensure the doggie can visit .. the all important doggie . you've gotten MIL on the page that she will lose her dog in this transition . as the dog stays in IL with you? her placed in FL in AL, ..??...what went with all that hand wringing .. the fact you wanted her in IL .. so you could be more a part of her life and support system, ... now because a nurse concurs with the whinings of the climate .. AL in IL is off the table now, .. and the loss of the dog is okay. Okeedokee .. after all the hand wringing on that one. I dunno .. I dont' need to know. I'm out .. even if I didn't see myself out of this, DH made it clear, "you need to step out of all this .. you don't handle it well".
Yep, you're right, I don't. I'm out. It's like deciding .. wait ..was I fired or did I resign?
So, from the sounds of it .. I'm to believe they arrive here, hit the ground running .. I dunno .. T-giving whatever .. and from that time . to March .. this will be all tied up in a nice little package with a pretty little bow and SIL will depart for IL .. and all will live happy ever after.
History hasn't shown that, but oooookay.
Doesn't matter and at this point, I can almost laugh at it all, just how preposterous it all is .. and .. Dorker has resigned ... or was I fired .. I don't know .. so Dorker gets to step outta this .. was clearly asked to do so. So .. hooray .. no beckonings for me to investigate paths forward in all this on this end. There's a huge plus. You go SIL! You go DH .. I bet you'll be at least as knowledgeable about paths forward to AL .. and Medicaid .. as you are about hunting rules and such. (Hahahaha, now that does really cause laughter .. not gonna happen. What will happen is that finger of anger and consternation will point at me again, to step up to the plate on all things AL and Medicaid and path forward)
Not my circus.
I haven't communicated with SIL any further .. and won't be, since she only texts and I have blocked that capability.
Have no idea if she knows that entertaining ANY NOTION at all, . of bringing MIL back .. as per her pitiful pleadings .. to live alone again .. it's gonna be sans the Thursday Dorker visits. Those are O-V-E-R.
So .. I guess, we'll see how well DH communicates that little tidbit forward. Not likely. Again, not my circus. Not my circus not my monkies but .. ya might wanna look over there .. those monkies are all loose and running amok at this point. Haha.
Just some of the jumble of my soupy brain today.
I find it hard to believe “those words” came from the HH Nurse. I too believe she was just agreeing with SILs thoughts, or SIL just made up that story.
Regarding DH, I too am married to a guy that is very organized, pre-plans, etc when it comes to his career but when it comes to home, family issues, sticky emotional things, he chooses to cross that bridge when he comes to it. IMO, my DH does this because he changes lanes a lot when it come to emotional issues. It drives me crazy.
I could see if you are in agreement to do an emergency wellness check in a pinch. The problem with that is there is no agreement between you, DH, and SIL how an emergency would be handled. DH does not want a rush to the ER...hold the phone. But, I think the chance of you having to do a wellness check is months down the road.
I think it will be weeks before the newly planned trip home to FL is supposed to happen. A lot can happen during that time. Try to relax and enjoy these weeks. If SIL, BIL, and MIL do make it back to FLA they should be here for several months. Again, a lot can happen to prevent SILs departure.
I understand your anticipation of the friction and upheaval your are expecting when they all get back to FL. Some families are messy, probably most. Any family member is entitled, at any time to say “this is not healthy for me”.
You and DH have been through hard times with your daughter. I am sure you carried the majority of that load for a long time then you had to step away when you could not make a difference. So DH stepped up and gave it a shot. I am sure that situation was hard on your marriage.
The mis sent text and it’s timing was pretty ironic.
So be it. Had I been given opportunity to speak my thoughts on it all, I'd of shared the above and further .. that the nurse .. this supposed all knowing and omniscient nurse, she really got up to speed fast in the 30 mins or whatever it is spent there, as to all the moving parts in all this saga. Just astounding!
I'd of asked SIL, .. so what came of that psych eval that was suggested as to maybe helping to transition with all these life changes? Anything? Hmm .. guess not .. guess it's easier to hold her hand and pity her .. okay .. gotcha.
I'd of said some things to her, maybe not as inflamed as was said when intended for DD .. but it would've been said.
And yes, you defined the DH about appropriate. On this end, he does have merits .. thankfully .. he can fix anything .. that's handy to have on around (as my mom has said, MEN!!!!!!! Ya can't kill em, and they can fix chit .. so that's kinda nice). He .. like his sister .. can stand on his head and juggle 40 plates worth of differing job sites and contractors .. and do it with perfectionism unbounded. He is actually, when I'm not ready to pinch his head off and spit down his throat .. he is actually pretty witty . he's comical .. and fun to be around. But these days have not been fun at all, and I stay .. a lot .. ready to pinch his head off.
But when it comes to the sticky gooey stuff of emotional baggage attached .. he checks out. In a big way. And I guess .. in his psyche .. much easier to point the finger at me . the person who stood in this gap for far too long, and no longer does. That must be frustrating.
Grasping at straws .. as he said this morning .. among all the other stuff said . and in his frustration .. "the damn problem is sister moved so far away .. she didn't look down the road .. that her folks would get old".
I scoffed at that .. DH .. what planet are you on? People all over this country move away... even internationally . that doesn't preclude them from doing what they need to do .. the person who "NEEDS" .. has to move to where the help is .. it's that simple .. or they go into a supported living setting .. it's not that hard .. what the he77 .. The problem is not your sister and the fact she chose to make a life in IL .. that's not at all the problem . the problem is yours and your sister's inertia in all this and the hand wringing that stymies it all, there's the problem.
No response.