I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
SIL wants her life to stay the same.
DH wants his life to stay the same.
All three want MIL to be happy.
And no one wants to accept that this is an either or situation.
My view:
MIL is the one that "needs".. thus she is the one whose world has to change.
Period. . End of discussion.
Only, with this dysfunctional lot . it's not, the "end".
The HH Nurse incident reminded me of one of my FIL's recent ER stays.
They were checking him out for a TIA. Just prior to his showing symptoms, he had done something that showed poor judgment, involving his car. Long story. He wasn't driving at the time.
Anyway, they had the Neurosurgeon come to see him, and I was the only other person in the room at the time. She asked my FIL how he was feeling, then asked him if he'd experienced any confusion or *dementia* at all.
He said, "No." She said, "Good!"
Me??? I waited until I could ask her for a little chat!
After we left the room, I said, "Well, Dr., about that dementia question ..."
She told me not to worry; she does not simply trust a patient. She went on to characterize him as "pleasantly demented." This gave me the opportunity to fill her in on what had happened before the TIA, and I seized it. She told me what I already had long known -- FIL must stop driving. STAT. He is unable to work with a car, let alone drive one,
If I hadn't known to ask for follow-up, the Neurosurgeon would not have come on board. But not everybody is willing (some are unable) to ask questions.
(My SIL - FIL's daughter - sealed the deal later that day, by working with the hospitalist and charge nurses. On follow-up, his PCP agreed, and put him on *permanent* full medical restriction. His driving days are over.)
So THAT’S the problem! Phew! And here I thought it might have been something to do with MIL.
Your right, Dorker. Dh IS funny!
No matter how far women think they have come as far as "equality", in my experience, women are still perceived as the caregivers. And DH is a fairly typical example of that mindset, huh? And that includes MIL's and SIL's mindset, too. My own mom would always always always call on the gals in our family rather than "bother the men." Frustrating, but it is what it is...
If only she had looked down the road to the fact her folks will get old and need her.
He could just as well said something equally as wishful thinking "The problem is, I should've won the lottery, then I could pay for a palace and all the hired help for mom we can even imagine"
Dorker; this is from another thread on AgingCare.com. You might forward it to SIL and DH if you see fit. Or not.
Wishing you well. B
DH has gone hunting for the wknd .. due back in tonight .. and so he and his anger at the whole thing. Not here. Which is good.
SIL . no phone call from her .. and as DH so aptly put it, "She's NOT gonna call you Dorker .. she doesn't owe you a phone call .. she doesn't owe you anything .. you don't get to be the end-all-be-all of this and say so as to how it all goes".
Gotcha. Never asked for that, but read ya loud and clear.
I am still seething with so much anger and hurt behind it all at being made to be the bad guy in it all, .. no matter what I do short of stepping back in and swinging for the fences. I'm the bad guy. And how dare them put me in that role. Just, how dare them.
I am still . just seething. I've spent the last couple of days here reading my bible .. some passages that are comforting . or attempts at it .. and shopping some .. and a project to clean out some clothes I no longer wear in my closet to donate.
And just seem to vacillate between tears of sadness .. and being completely bewildered at how it is that someone who did so much for so long can now be in the position of being so unfairly maligned. It brings about tremendous sadness.
That and the fracture that exists .. in the fact this has become such a hot button issue that even bringing it up .. as I did when I queried if he'd talked to his sister (because I hadn't) . and it gets ratcheted from zero to 100 mph in a nano second.
I know that his anger is misplaced and I'm just the closest target .. I know that. I do reason with myself on that .. but it's still so unfair. That anger should be channeled to his sister perhaps or into the energy and focus it takes to pick up the damn reigns and do something ..
I'm done talking about it .. they have won .. I didn't talk about it for months and the only reason it got back on the radar in the way of any dialogue at all was because SIL herself .. living it .. up in IL .. began talking she can't do this .. and AL was beginning to be the path forward and her using me as sounding board in it all and asking that I check things here in FL (all while she's undecided at least at that point, IL or FL) .. and so I did nothing. And I will not do anything.
Their approach .. of leaving the 15 ton elephant in the room unmentioned .. they've won. It will now be that . going forward and not mentioned by me.
How sad is that? I would think .. as a spouse you'd want it to be such that in your parents decline in health . that you have someone to talk to and commiserate with.
I'll listen if it's brought up .. but that's it. No suggestions .. no offers to help .. nothing and a pat answer like you'd get from an acquaintance, "wow that's tough", "gee .. sorry bout that".
I still seethe with anger over it .. and am trying to get on past it .. have to .. because there's no alternative .. and it's not good for me.
He's right .. nobody owes me a phone call or otherwise. Got it. But by the same token I don't owe anyone a c'g role any longer in any capacity whatsoever.
Do I not care? Of course I do. But .. I can't be a robot .. and be part of a scene that is not healthy and functional and shut my mouth ... thus I won't.
It would be the decent thing to do .. to include all parties .. but hey .. I can only do what is the "Decent" thing to do on my part .. and that I have done .. more thoroughly than they seem to appreciate.
Whatever they do or don't do with regard to their mother .. up to them .. has been all along .. but they no longer have my participation. At all. I was fired I think .... or did I resign .. I dunno.
Anyway .. my bday is tomorrow and I see that I have waiting for me .. (typical so don't take it as a slap in the face) . an e-card awaiting from SIL and company on that end.
I haven't opened it and I may not .. I may just delete it without opening .. only because ..
My tendency at this point is to open it and that then requires a thank you and all I can muster is a FU rather than a thank you. Not very nice of me and I know that's not appropriate thus I may just delete it and not open it at all.
Just .. just don't .. insult my intelligence. I know this gig all too well .. and for her to have sent those texts that were perfectly aligned with what her thoughts are, her mom's thoughts, supposedly the nurse in 100% concurrence .. just don't .. just don't insult my intelligence, and disrespect me in that way .. to think that I"m that stupid to buy that snow job. I'm not
Much the same as some of you will remember back at the hospital discharge a year ago when the attening Neuro wanted MIL seen for Cog assessment/eval . complete workup and SIL thought that just ridiculous .. why would they even screen someone in the setting in a hospital . them so stressed and not feeling well .. and their world upended .. and then count those results as valid .. why would they do that .. but off to the Neuro doc they go .. at discharge .. where lo and behold .. what do you know .. the PA there agrees with SIL . that's not necessary .. yes in fact, we don't even count that as valid .. you're so right SIL .. they should never do those screenings on patients confined to a hospital .. let's don't worry about that.
Even though the visiting nurse at that time and myself were of the mindset .. "it's not invasive .. it's not hurtful .. it just helps you get a more complete picture .. I'd do it".
Nope .. PA amazingly . thoughts aligned perfectly with SIL's (and no I wasn't there to independently verify that).
SIL's approach is obviously going to be to stick her head firmly up her azz and ignore anything at all that might mandate she take a course of action that displeases and makes her mother so unhappy. So be it, their choice certainly.
But I don't have to participate. I was kind enough to re-inject into it one day a week .. when they had the supposed TEAM MIL in place, so as to show good faith. And that too, went to chit pretty quickly as I'd of predicted. But trying not to be Dorker Downer .. played along. Knowing full well Team MIL is a sieve full of holes all along, but play along I did.
Now I have been fired, or I resigned .. not sure .. who cares. I'm out.
Fine fine fine by me. Just do not be coming at me .. "mother needs _________" and then get angry .. "you fired me remember".
You really need to detach a lot, for your sake and your family’s.
Step away from this trash fire and get on with your life. As difficult as it is, block SIL and do not engage DH in any conversation about it. They choose to ignore it all, so should you. You will be happier.
Let them have at the MIL drama, and just shrug at the whole crazy mess when they bring it up. Don't let it steal your peace any longer.
More than what is going on with your MIL, I would imagine that the cut from your DH’s remarks is what makes this situation so much more difficult. Words like that said - in what sounds like a sharp, derogatory tone - can be very painful from the person we love most in the world. Especially when he then is out of town and there is no resolution for you. Being in that position at the front end of your birthday just makes it worse. Even if you aren’t big on birthdays, it is a time when we least expect to be taken for granted or in an argument.
I will be hoping that you two can find time to come together in a way that shores you up instead of tearing you down.
You are not the bad guy here. You are in the middle of a collision of forces that really have no ultra-positive resolution. As I mentioned to a caregiver at memory care the other day, “The decline of old age forces us to be constantly choosing the lesser of the evils, rather than choosing the ideal way.”
You have served your family well, and it is obvious that you care. And I would be pretty certain your DH knows that. I hope you can enjoy your day.
Hope you enjoy your day.
Daughters and g'kids joined for dinner out last night, in celebration. DD and YD and g'kids anyway. OD .. MIA. I guess OD will surface, when she decides to do so, or not. I don't know.
Always nice to enjoy a birthday with a g'kid .. kids love birthdays, their own or anyone else's. Was a lot of fun.
DH asking this morning, since he didn't get in til late, and wasn't part of above, where I'd like dinner out tonight. Don't know that I wanna. Will see. Don't want to be a spoil sport, wanna move on/trudge on ahead .. but .. not in the mood, to be quite honest.
As I reflect back .. can't help but do so. Unfortunately it's one the things I do best (ruminate). Trying not to, .. it's rather clear how things got this way, through no fault of my own. But you can't help but look back on it all, and reflect. Partly, at least, .. in an effort to look at the conflict ongoing, tensions .. what part, if any, did I play in this end result.
I ponder back thru some of it .. and ya know .. if I could impart anything to someone at a juncture of an aging parent and this same scenario it would be many things, but THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE WOULD BE ..
*It will be an avalanche one day, if you aren't careful, this whole c'giving thing. If you can't get the other parties (if there are any) on the page with you as you see things ratcheting up. BACK OFF .. it will bury you.
Don't know if it would be heeded. Makes me ponder if I'd of done so, had someone shared that sage advice with me, once upon a time.
I think back on it all, and it starts so small. I mean, who wouldn't accompany someone for a breast biopsy where there has been some issue that has come up. The person is so scared/worried . to have someone with them, someone that loves/cares about them . it means everything. So you do it.
Who wouldn't .. accompany someone .. to a small appt where the person will be briefly put under . and maybe .. they'd be a little foggy to drive home and/or that was the doc instruction .. can't drive home, bring someone to drive you. Who wouldn't do that?
It starts out so small, .. and just an effort to be there for the person and be helpful. And outside of those settings .. the person manages their own life and well being.
Ahh, but it grows, through the years . as the person ages .. and health issues continue to crop up. It grows and grows.
There was a time that I was spending sometimes my every Wednesday off and Thursdays too maybe .. in pursuit of all this, along with trying to manage my own affairs, . .on Wednesdays and Thursdays as my days off from my other job.
I'd find myself stressed out .. not enough time, in the days off I had, to accomplish everything that I needed on my end .. as to my own responsibilities.
That was probably about 10/12 years into all this.
Somewhere in it all, life changes happen. You're blessed with a beautiful baby g'child that you want to spend time and enjoy and that too, gets back burner'd in the pursuit of the above.
I can recall varying watershed events along the way in it all, and attempts on my part, to bring this up on the radar. Mostly in those days, to DH. In the beginning anyway. "Gosh DH .. The last 3 weeks .. my days off have been spent in the role of assisting your mom with various things she needs .. and I haven't gotten to spend any time with our g'daughter .. or anything else I need to be doing .. it's getting out of hand".
Answer generally, "I know .. I don't know what we're gonna do, she's gonna continue to get older and more needy .. we'll just all have to do the best we can".
Generally that's about how the answers would flow in those days .. all along te way .. things ratcheting up as to need.
The above dilemma raised time and time again as I'd find I'd meet myself coming and going in it all. And same pat answers.
"Gee, it's a problem here, mother doesn't ever ever ever want to have to leave her home .. she's getting older and more needy. Dorker, are you willing to do "X", "Y" and "Z"?
It never happened.
All along the way I'd mention . the same things .. "what are we gonna do here folks?". No answers. Same pat non answers.
By now I'd begun raising it also with SIL .. who seems to drive this bus. To responses that resembled: "I know, she's so stubborn .. I don't know what we're gonna do with her".
All the while, I watch DH .. his churching, his hunting .. his work .. conflict with stepping to need .. sans the fix-it home repair stuff.
All the while, I'd watch SIL drop in for 2 and 3 week stints and walk on water .. all things MIL .. and then return to her life in IL.
All with assurances, "She'll manage . she knows what she needs to do .. she doesn't want others in this .. she will manage".
But at some point, you find you are buried in an avalanche of it all, all the need. Now add the dog's needs to the list, the dog also aging .. and needy .. and a dog that is more important to the LO than the air she breathes.
So many watershed moments in it all. So many. I think back on one of them being the dog ill, and dog diapers and a baby gate and that whole fiasco .. and the very fact that it pulled me, yet again .. the need on that front .. from the very thing I'd planned for myself, for that day . something I enjoyed . and wanted to go do . my own time .. but stop the presses and go answer to that need.
It was a watershed moment for me. Very much.
It was then .. about then . that I began to make more noise .. this isn't working for me.
More of the same answers. Non-answers.
We trudge along til the next time . and the next and the next .. and that avalanche now has you so buried you can't even see daylight .. and a realization hits you .. this is not what I signed on for . no one ever asked me if this is how i want my life to play out daily ..
You try to get more attention focused .. and bring some solutions to the forefront and suggest that "others" be enlisted .. additional "others". It gets rejected before it even gets on the table.
"She's just so stubborn .. I don't know what we'll do with her".
"We'll just do the best we can".
"I know what I need to do and I will take care of myself, don't you guys go sending anyone in this direction".
And .......
SIL returns to her life in IL . to direct from afar
DH returns to his churching/hunting .. working .. did he ever stop .. ??? .. Oh yea, if there was a faucet dripping or a gutter clogged .. yea . he did go see about that .. but the health stuff .. now ratcheting up to unsustainable levels of need .. no.
I think, in the end, .. the statements "We'll all do the best we can".
Means different things.
To me, that means = "you all are not doing the best you can, you are dumping this trainwreck in my lap to deal with"
To DH that meant = "We'll all do the best we can, as long as it's fix it stuff .. and the rest of it's yours Dorker".
To SIL that meant = I'll do the best I can to get there as frequently .. as suits me .. and when I do, I'll walk on water and run the hamster wheel like none other, ever . but I reserve the right to depart the scene .... also at a time suitable to my agenda and what happens to solve it outside of that is going to be Dorker's to handle
Nobody ever asked me if the above is suitable to me. Not once.
It was about this time that I began to find in my life . that I was unable to attend to my own wants/needs .. pretty routinely.
And so the noise increasing coming from my corner. Might as well have saved my breath.
Also about the time I was now expecting twin g'children . a pregnant daughter .. living local, complications in that pregnancy.
Finding no solution . in my personal world .. in trying to get it on the radar and addressed .. I found this Godsend of a place .. and like-minded folks sharing the same experiences and loads of advice and solace.
I reflect back on it all, and there are so many junctures that could've brought forth the same divide now faced .. much much much sooner. The result wouldn't of changed, I don't believe. I think we all .. kicked the can down the road .. all of us .. except me, the loud kid in class trying to get this on the radar, to no avail. I don't think it would've changed the end result. Had I gotten to this juncture, 2 years ago . 4 years ago .. today .. yesterday . the same end result would be the name of the game.
They don't want to do what it takes to deal with it all. As DH likes to say "we're doing the best we can here .. SIL is wearing this .. she's in uncharted waters here".
No . no these aren't uncharted waters .. there are plenty of folks that have faced this same dilemma daily in this country .. it's not unprecedented. Not by any stretch. You and your sister both just don't want to face it. Much easier to throw the trail wreck in this direction to handle it.
Until .. that's no longer an option.
Dorker fought with all her might to get out from under the train wreck .. and didn't roll it back onto herself .
This particular juncture/divide/fracture . it would've occurred whether I stepped to this podium/stance .. a year ago .. 5 years ago .. doesn't matter.
I wish I'd of known that would be the end result .. I'd of stepped on this podium and taken this stance long ago .. and not worn so many years of strife and stress and interruption to my world/existence. I didn't know.
I was going on the assumption that rational adults .. find a plan .. talk to each other/engage each other in what works/what doesn't work .. all along the way doing my level best to get that achieved.
But I'm only one of the cogs in the wheel. I can't "make" others come to the table and talk. And that's real apparent at this point. Only in hindsight, apparently.
It continues .. on and on and on .. only you've now done everything you can do to fight your way out from under that massive train wreck and you aren't climbing back under it again, ever.
But the problem is still there, and no one at the ready to address it.
You do your level best to be even keeled .. even tempered .. and draw attention to the 15 ton elephant in the room that gets refusal to be spoken about. To no avail.
And here we are, some 15 plus years later .. and I'm the evil bad guy ..
Because my time and energies .. and their idea of what that should be, conflict with what they want for their mom.
Fine .. I never said . it's set in stone and here's what you have to do. Those words have never been spoken by me. Suggestions .. yes .. imploring on my behalf to come to the table, .. oh you bet. Nope.
Your mom .. do as you will. Your decisions. But .. absent any dialogue at all, of all parties and what works, it's unreasonable to expect the absence of any plan equates to Dorker climbing back under the train wreck to try to prop it up.
At this point, things have rocked along to the point that I don't know that there is any approach other than SIL can continue to up end her world .. and live the life of f/t c'giver to her mom .. be that in IL .. (doubtful, her mom doesn't wanna be there) . or she can maybe up end her's and her husband's world . and move to FL .. to support said set up. I don't know .. I don't have that answer, nor is it up to me.
Or she can work to get past her feelings . however she needs to achieve that .. that her lot in life .. here on this earth .. it to service her mom's needs/wants in her mother's waning years .. ergo . giving up her own life. Her choice if
Certainly her choice if that's the road she wishes to remain on.
But .. non talk .. non dialogue .. refusal to come to the table and any assumption at all, from anyone that Dorker's kind heart will pick up the slack. Those days are gone.
Dorker is done.
In fact, I think at this point, were some or one of them to approach "Okay Dorker, we have a plan .. we can keep mother in her house, but we need you to agree to go there on Tuesdays and Thursdays every week and spend the day .. is that okay with you?".
The answer from me would be no, I'm done. I've done all I care to do.
No.
Considering this family and their failure to be able to work on any plan .. I am no longer interested.
Not in even an inth of a degree.
So you want your mom to be happy and that equates to somehow figuring out how she can live out her waning time on this earth in her home. Go for it. Do it.
Figure it out.
Count me out.
So here we are. At that fracture/divide that would've been the case, had this been 5 years ago .. or a year ago, ..
What part did I play in it all, that caused it to get to this fracture?
I honestly cannot say that I did play a part in it. I am fully satisfied with myself that I did far more than any in law should ever have been expected to see to. I did my level best, and I'm satisfied with that .. that I tried .. vehemently .. to get all parties on the necessary page . and then some.
So .. you reflect back on it all, and try to determine .. what'd I do in this .. how did I end up the villain?
I think of myself as exceptionally insightful .. and a keen ability to try to look at things from all sides. I think I've done that in spades throughout the whole saga.
I can't come up with anything .. any take away from this, as to my own lesson I need to learn in how not to be a part of a situation that leads to a family divide .and discord. I don't think that I did.
For my own sake .. I only wish I'd of had a crystal ball, to have crossed this path sooner . and saved myself years of aggravation.
But I am here now. So cross it I will do.
And the end isn't here yet. Not a doubt in my mind there will be twists and turns going forward .. and some of them .. anger . yet again .. aimed at me .. easy scapegoat.
I'll learn to navigate it, that's all I can do.
You are out. This is their issue. Neither have the cojones to stand up to mom and make her upset. I predict that nature will make the decision - and that MIL - in FL or in IL will not be living alone in FL.
Pick somewhere outrageously expensive for dinner and treat yourself well.
Happy, Happy Birthday !!!
Oh how I wish you would copy and send/e-mail your last 3 posts entries to your SIL, which so beautifully summed up these past 10 plus years or more, and your involvement in shoring up Her Mother in the lifestyle that she has become accustomed to. The facts are that it is No Longer about what MIL wants and desires, but what others are willing to do for her, to keep her safe, fed and as comfortable as you all can make her in that sort of setting, as her needs now Far Exceed her being able to care sufficiently on her own and for a Looong Time Now, otherwise she is being too Damned Selfish relying on the kindness of others, if you asked me!
I know, I know, you've said it all before, but the way in which you just surmised it all up, made perfect sense, was not inflammatory or aggressive, and was written in a way in which she could ruminate on it, as a good Social Worker should! God Almighty, you would think that the lights would Finally Turn On in all of this! Anywhoo, Happy Birthday Dearie, I hope you enjoyed some peace and quiet!