I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
So many people admire you and support you in what you have done....you deserve a 👑!
Go snuggle a grand baby. I just spent 10 days with some of mine.... so much love. Forget the toxic craziness of some of the family. Not worth the energy.
--Liz
There can't be anything sweeter than your 5 yo g'daughter asking if she can blow out your birthday candles, and the excitement and smiles that brings to her face.
Been an "okay" couple of days here, with some family/friends .. and couldn't of come at a better time. Nice to note that I apparently do matter, .. irregardless of how it was seeming in the dysfunctional sect.
Interesting conversation with my own mother, and the topic at hand. She, of course, all along .. has maintained "If SIL wants her mother cared for in that manner, let her figure out how to do it her damn self". That's been my mother's mantra .. all along. Throughout.
Of course, in talking with her on the latest events ..
She knows the players in all this, they've met (said with smart azz tone she'd likely apply to it). She, of the age, where she's seen some of her peers, elder than she .. go the route of AL. As she put it, "I don't know many that were eager to go .. but .. many that I knew, .. that went AL .. realized they could no longer care for themselves. I've never known anyone holding out with the dug in heels of your MIL .. I just don't understand it".
Her words, "I don't even know what to tell you .. ".
I reminded her of a dysfunctional situation she recently endured in her own world, and dispensed with it pretty shortly.
Had taken in a miscreant of sorts, in a young woman, family friend .. was gonna *right the course* of this young woman .. giving her one last chance .. where her own bio family has all but thrown in the towel.
Soon became pretty evident . this young woman has some pretty marked mental health issues, as the lies mounted, the irresponsibility .. so forth. All culminating with .. rescue personnel arriving at her doorstep. Story goes, the young woman, having been called on the carpet .. by my mom .. for something she'd done.. promptly went into the bathroom there in mom's home .. and told 911 she'd cut herself .. and was going to kill herself.
Mom didn't know this. All she knew was rescue personnel arriving at her doorstep. Shock!
Young woman carted off for psych hold.
Mom refused to pick her up. "Nope, not her legal guardian .. was doing the family a favor .. this is way bigger than I want to get mired in .. nope . not picking her up .. wish her and her family well, but nope . done".
My point here, pointing that out to her: "You removed yourself from a pretty dysfunctional situation from your charge .. in short order .. without looking back".
Not doing dysfunctional.
Reading thru the encouragement and understanding posted here on this forum from those who've walked this walk .. and those who "understand" it .. having done it themselves. More enormously helpful than can be imagined.
Things such as "Walk away from the trash fire". Yep. A reminder .. that's just what it is . .don't be sad for what should be/what could be.. walk away from it.
Things like, "treat this like a soap opera that you tune in . or you don't .. and just don't pay attention to it". Yep. A stark reminder .. this is a stupid drama that I would probably choose not to watch .. it's just to stupid.
Things like, "forget the toxic craziness" . Yep.
All reminders .. as I sink, at times, into kind of a sadness at it all .. and get to a place of "why?". All stark reminders .. there is no "why" . just .. don't tune in . .walk away from the trash fire .. etc.
Helpful, enormously.
I had vowed, to myself, .. that the topic comes up again, (it simmers at a low boil, just underneath the surface, of every day life here, not mentioned), I had vowed, if it comes up .. that I will listen .. but I am out of this. If it gets heated, ... my response will be, "if you'd like to engage a mediator in all this, we'll talk, otherwise subject is closed".
I didn't follow my latter notion above. But it's okay. It's still out there .. and may need to be deployed in the future.
But, as it should be. Seems that DH is feeling some animosity and tensions from his sister's corner, and fielding that.
Again, as it should be.
That's not my goal at all. I don't want the two of them at odds with each other. But .. the two of them, so desperately need to work together, towards the progress or whatever in it. AND THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED. Still isn't. Maybe that can change and calmer heads can prevail between the two, ... so be it, either way. I'm out, and that's where I will remain. Absolutely 1000%.
He is fielding some bitterness, resentment and anger from her corner ..
He isn't lashing back, not yet. Maybe his calmer demeanor at taking it, thus far, will allow that the thing not get uglier, or not. Not up to me.
As I told him, "DH for a long long long time ... first and foremost, let's establish that my approach has been *let's talk, all of us, let's talk about what works, what doesn't, let's get everyone's cards on the table here and their respective agendas, but it doesn't happen .. never happens .. and so in the interim what you see occur is that sister wants for your mom, her happiness, .. first and always .. and anything short of that, she doesn't even entertain any notion of *hearing*, in fact, ignores it .. and then cares for your mom when in attendance like none other, only to leave her . . and return to her life in IL .. as she certainly has the latitude to do. But, having failed to take into account, any consideration at all, for what works/what doesn't, hearing the agenda of others and their worlds .. and no plan in place, she now in IL .. and the directives begin flying .. as to all the myriad of things your mother needs. She's certainly, if that's what she wants, free to choose to give up her existence to the whole thing .. that's her choice .. but .. if that's the path she wants .. she needs to walk the walk, talk the talk .. period. Her unwillingness to listen to any other input, doesn't then put the impetus on others (myself) to pick up the slack, to the degree it's grown to in your mom's frailties. In spite of my best efforts, I can't get her to "listen/hear" me, in fact she routinely ignores my pleas to listen to me .. so be it .. this isn't my mom and as you so angrily put it .. "she doesn't OWE you anything", that's what you told me. You're right, .. nobody does .. but I also don't OWE anything to this situation .. and my input so routinely disregarded .. and not allowed, I don't have to be in it, and I won't be".
His sister is angry, .. bitter at this point . and to put it in his words, .. "every text/phone call from her is a woe with me, it's all so bad, negative nanny stuff".
Me: "And it will be, she's the one living this .. day in and day out".
The above is where I should listen to my own advice, and just answer with a benign: "Hate that for ya'll" and walk away. And I may need to do precisely that. Or a "I'm sure you'll work it out", and walk away". "Gee, that sucks", walk away.
I chose not to .. at this point .. and this time it didn't bite me on the azz .. there was actual discussion .. not fighting .. but I'm so leery .. that even though there was calm, rational discussion .. the under pinnings are there, .. very much so, for it to get heated, and I know that .. thus my assertion, I need to stick to my own advice, and just refuse to discuss it.
The evidence in listening to what he has to say as his sister and he communicate at this point .. I don't know how much (as we know, that hasn't been either of their strong suits .. ever, communication) .. but as the two of them now communicate, to whatever degree that is occurring or not ... she is angry/bitter/resentful, etc. Him fielding that, with a calm tone . and not bouncing anger back at her. Probably best, .. whatever. I didn't weigh in on that. And won't.
Bubbling to the surface on all this, there is a huge divide .. couldn't be any bigger, the divergence of the approach here, as to the mother.
I think .. as he put it, .. he'd been talking with her, texting, I don't know .. at some particular contentious point, his answer to her had been, "Sister I am praying about all of this, there needs to be peace, and direction .."
Her response: "Now is not the time for prayer, we need more than that we need TEAMWORK".
Have had both of those sentiments myself .. but shouted into an abyss .. as no one "hears" me, no one even makes any modicum of "listening, much less *hear* what I'm saying". Yep, .. I've very much felt the sentiment he expresses .. but also the one his sister expresses.
How encouraging (not that I want the two of them at odds and squabbling) that my having removed the "keystone" as it was said here in this forum of the whole set up .. in myself and my involvement .. has caused this to run headlong into the two of them actually . having to communicate .. to whatever degree that is occurring.
As was my input on the above: "Your sister's idea of TEAMWORK .. is that she mandates what will be, as to your mom . and the pieces get picked up .. however they get picked up .. generally speaking directed towards me to handle, refer to my prior statement .. failure on her part, to make herself available for input on that topic, repeatedly".
DH: "Yea she's mad at me, .. she's up there .. doing all this on her own .. and I'm down here ... I have to work! I can't quit my damn job .. she's up there .. there's nothing I can do about that .. I help .. to the extent I can .. when mom is here .. in FL .. (I would debate he could do more, when his mom is here, and should .. but doesn't .. and he may get the opportunity to do just that before all is said and done, in my absence in it all).
As he describes it . in his and his sister's communication with each other .. she's grappling with and very much her mindset is one of (and I know this to be true):
SIL: Ya know I'm dealing here with someone with a brain .. she has a brain, she has her own wants/desires, for her own existence, .. if she was someone that had Alzheimers or something and was just out of it .. like some that were at that facility . sitting all slumped over in a wheelchair .. don't even know where they are, .. I don't want her to become that ... she is chatty Kathy at this places, and they all wonder why is she even here .. I don't want that for her, .. if she were someone that her mind was gone .. I'd be able to leave her .. but she isn't . her mind is still there, the brain still ticks .. it's her body that is giving away .. ".
My input there in talking with DH: "Okay so where in her is the cut off .. if your mom becomes wheelchair bound, she still can live outside of that kinda setting how? I mean .. is she going to be lifting your mother for pottying . is she going to be lifting her for showers .. I mean what's her cut off .. as long as her mind is in tact (I would debate the degree her mind is in tact, but whatever . do as you will folks) .. what's your sister's cut off point .. if her mind still works .. but her body doesn't .. then we just continue to allow her mind to dictate direction forward .. compromised that it is .. and we now lift her out of a wheelchair and into the shower and onto the potty . is that where her mindset is?".
DH: "That's a good question .. yea . I don't know".
Much conversation around that. Him also pointing out a very similar circumstance that we're aware of in a neighbor . where the siblings all ended up on not speaking terms before it was all said and done. His ability to see .. the same parallel playing out. One of the daughters (there are 3 daughters there, and one son) .. did NOT NOT NOT ever want her mother in AL ... NEVER. And so that daughter took her mom into her home, .. (local). Before all was said and done the mother grew to be bed ridden .. and so the help required to support that set up .. all on the one daughter that took the mom in, and resentment grew .. as she'd reach out to the two sisters (local, son not local) .. and the two sisters of the notion .. the mother needs to be in a facility .. that they are not going to sign up for what it takes to care for this and support it .. and the sister doing it all grew resentful, .. end result, siblings not on speaking terms. DH now mentioning the parallel there.
It's just very apparent ... to me .. maybe not as much to DH .. at this point . very very apparent to me .. that what SIL wants is her mom's happiness .. thru and thru .. and safety of course .. but her mom to be happy. Any ability/willingness to look at .. and address .. in any meaningful way .. on her part, .. the fact that sometimes the lesser of two evils is going to have to be entertained .. not present in his sister. And to his sister, this is all going to take TEAMWORK .. and his approach .. that he will "pray" about this or that .. her words, "This isn't time for prayer this is time for TEAMWORK".
Moving along, .. apparently there is some consternation brewing in the fact that going forward .. AL in FL .. is somewhat on the radar .. who knows to what degree .. I don't, and I don't care to know, .. I'm done with rabbit holes. That is apparently a topic .. it's come up. . And the consternation brewing in the fact that it's all on SIL .. and more to the point, some animosity in that there is no TEAMWORK in Dorker in all this. Sounds like that got some mention . that she'd like if it if Dorker could be a part of all this, and his words, "your presence in all this .. your ability to research and look into and ask the right questions and be a part of all this, your absence in it .. it's felt .. it's missed".
Damn, I mean TEAM work to me .. means that there is consent .. and agreement/compromise on behalf of all parties.
I've worn it far too long . and not doing it anymore . that the sister mandates direction forward, .. absent any input from parties involved, and I get DH's wrath for failure to step to that beat .. and sister marches on .. and nothing gets addressed. So .. fine .. have it you guys .. I'm out . you said it yourself, you want me out .. you got it.
I get the sense that is being felt.
So be it.
I have no obligation at all to this show .. never did. They were blessed to have my help for many many years .. and my participation in it. Their failure to sit up and take note .. doesn't obligate me any longer to step in it. So .. forge ahead .. do it without me. And I'll be happier for it. Already feeling that. Because to field his sister's sentiments at this point .. on the topic of "her mind is in tact, I can't leave her in one of those places .. unless she's out of it and doesn't even know where she is". That doesn't work for me .. I don't ascribe to that thought process .. not in what the end result and daily life will require.
It's best I am out of it, for me. I'll be much happier there, in the end.
So then it also gets thrown out there, and in .. as DH puts it .. a much smart azz tone from their corner .. they are both very very .. SIL and MIL .. bitter and angry and resentful that this whole .. *have to depart here during hurricane season* .. that .. every bit of that, every once of that .. was born out of Dorker and her pushing mother out ..
That gets on the radar in their discussion. They are both, under the surface, angry at Dorker, that mother has to be pushed out of her home .. and every bit of that rests at Dorker's feet .. and it's her refusal to allow that mother stay there .. it was her that pushed this .. and mother doesn't want to be here . never did . .. and she's miserable here ..
That whole line of dialogue I guess on his and his sister's agenda.
DH said to me: "Now don't you lose your mind .. I handled that .. I took care of it .. and put it right back at her . her telling me, *there wasn't even a hurricane* .. WHO THE HELL CAN PREDICT WHEN THERE WILL BE ONE SISTER! That wasn't solely Dorker .. with that as any agenda .. mother has sheltered here, and it's too much .. I was behind that driving it also . so if you two are angry .. you need to look in my corner, not her's .. it's too much to deal with her, she's rude .. she's hateful .. she doesn't want to be here either, we've done it .. her packed and ready and then telling me she's a damn prisoner here .. because we wont' take her home to a house with no power and trees and stuff down everywhere .. she's rude, she's hard to handle .. and in the end, if we ever wanted to evacuate ourselves .. we're tied here .. she can't sit in gridlock traffic for hours on the interstate to get anywhere .. she needs to be out of here during hurricane season .. that's all there is to it, and you both can take the anger over that and put it right in my corner, not her's".
As he put it, "that one .. I got her pushed back on .. if they want to be angry about it, she knows now .. it's not just you with that as the agenda".
See, once again, SIL and her, enmeshment .. unhealthy enmeshment .. and the focus on what makes her mom happy .. not at all, in any degree whatsoever ..what works for others. So there is anger . on both their parts .. that Dorker was the driver of the above.
It's so good that I'm out of all this .. and the two of them having to .. to whatever degree they do or don't .. be on this page and me out of it.
She is angry ... (so not like her, she doesn't possess .. or hasn't .. in all the years I've known her .. any gene that has an anger "x" by it .. patient .. to a damn fault .. always .. enabler is the result).
Just in what all he imparts to me there is very much anger that Dorker has exited the scene. Not any longing for, "gee shoulda listened to her, and let her be a part of things".
NO .. not at all, it's just anger .. anger that the whipping boy , .. if you wanna call it that I guess, in me .. is no longer there to take the whipping ..
As I've said all along and has been so very very evident .. it's all good as long as Dorker will step up to the plate and swing for the fences .. as directed by SIL in effort to support her mom's happiness, whatever form that takes .. don't bitch, don't pushback just do it .
That very much the ongoing demeanor .. all throughout the years .. thru and thru . only now Dorker has tried and tried to get it to the forefront in dialogue .. and that failed, Dorker has stepped away.
So now you see, where it was never there before, . anger. And I guess, at least until this moment .. anger coming from SIL .. not so much DH .. he .. seemingly at least for this moment (but nobody in this corner is under any heat with it .. that will change and it will direct at me again .. from DH .. and I know that) but at least at this moment .. there is some more clarity .. from him on it all, not anger.
For so long .. it was me .. the subject of .. do as we say . (that was the action that resulted in their failure to do anything to address it) .. and then anger when it was pushed .. by me .. for further dialogue/discussion and status quo .. just do was we say. . Now that has evolved to .. I no longer "do as you say", in fact, .. I don't want any part of any of this.
DH needs to get SIL to specifically put into words what she wants and expects for MIL returning home - her explicit definition of TEAMWORK. It will be very vague and likely the same "team" members as designated before, which was an epic failure.
She's going to be vague and talk around in circles, but the reality is that she wants you to do it all. MIL wants SIL to move down there (probably without her hubby). Anything short of having SIL or your DH living with her or next door to her is not acceptable to MIL.
And last but not least, .. he was expressing that it breaks his heart .. that we're at this juncture, and his sister and myself who used to be so close, now fractured, and anger there ..
I went on to tell him: "I tried DH .. I tried and tried .. I'm not going to be dictated to as to how my world plays out on a daily basis .. not going to do it .. I tried everything I knew to get that to the forefront . in all this .. wasn't ever successful .. I was in this for a long long long time, even before your dad died, in 2003 helping with some of his health issues .. a long time .. but when it got to the point your mom needed more help and there was such refusal to address it and/or even hear me .. I pushed back .. and then from there it has only continued, more refusal to hear me .. listen to me, .. this isn't a one way street .. she's not my mom .. your sister won't be there in any capacity whatsoever when it's my mom . doesn't have to be .. and I don't have to be in that capacity .. for your mom .. I was . more so than any in law ever would .. but that's over .. you nor your sister in your failure to address it all, is going to dictate my daily existence in all this .. so I'm out of it .. where I want to be, you said yourself . I don't handle this well, .. yep .. you got it .. I'm out.
Went on to tell him that I have blocked her from texting me .. and to that ... he found kinda an incendiary tone that I shouldn't do that.
My reply to that, "She can call me on the phone .. I'll talk to her .. I'm not opposed to that .. I'm not .. taking any stance here that I'm no longer on speaking terms with her, but your sister is obsessed, absolutely over-the-damn top with all things her mother .. and that's all she can text about . and never phone . not about any damn thing .. it's all texts .. and I've asked her repeatedly to call .. and she doesn't do it .. and so .. you said yourself . .she doesn't "OWE" me a phone call. Yep . got it .. but I also don't owe her the responsibility of being available to communicate via text .. when that doesn't work for me, so I've ended that ability . she can call, I'll answer the phone .. but . she's not going to like much that I have to say about it .. and so I suspect that's precisely why she refuses to call .. she'd prefer texting .. leaves the door open that she continue to mandate the path forward . and me absent any ability to address what I have to say in it all. So be it, I'm out of all this, where I want to be.
That brought forth some more discussion on the fact .. not his words . but long and short of it, my absence in it all, is palpable .. and missed.
Oh well.
So .. the sadness .. and overwhelming sense of just grief almost at how this is all evolving .. that I wore and for a few days there, just kinda cocooned myself .. had begun to evolve and my now in a place more of .. I'm just done with it .. and the sadness had begun to abate .. with more of a "so be it". And that's where I remain .. even though there is some clarity .. at least from DH's corner, at least for this moment in time .. (subject to change at any given whim).
I don't want to be in it .. I want out. And there I will firmly remain. It is so evident to me, having taken that huge step out of it, there is light at the end of the tunnel and I see it, .. a glimmer of it, .. in my not being mired in it.
Not my mom .. folks, do as you will with her .. she's your mom .. count me out.
Even though SIL has never shown anger, she is in uncharted territory...alone. She is trapped.
The whole BS about this is Dorker’s fault, she forced this trip to IL, etc, etc, is just that, BS. SIL and MIL are both miserable. There has been no miraculous recovery on MILs part as SIL expected. She can not and does not want to do this alone. She’s trapped, angry, needs to blame someone. Not fair to you at all, but it’s SIL after all.
We all know what SILs idea of teamwork is. Delegating. She still wants to drag you back in to find a suitable setting for MIL, ask the right questions, whatever. Surely you understand that according to SIL and MIL there is not going to be a suitable setting for MIL. One or the other or both will find fault and you will be the one she/they will point the finger at.
It appears the mis-sent text served a purpose. You are not having to deal with the continued texts. FINALLY DH is having to listen/try to communicate with his sister. DH is calmly sharing those conversations with you. This sounds like an improvement unless you think DH is trying to manipulate you back into the situation by sharing all this information.
I hope you stand firm in your position on the outside and let DH and SIL duke this out. It appears DH is talking and listening to his sister. It appears SIL is talking but not listening to her brother.
Its neither here nor there but being the curious type, I’m wondering what’s going down between SIL and M?😬
If M has signed on, "yea that Dorker .. what a b*tch she is .. that she won't take this on" (doubtful) ... or if M is coming at this with her mother from an angle (more the likely scenario), .. that her mom is too enmeshed and can't see the forest for the trees ..
Either way .. I don't care. I don't care one whit about finding out .. that's for the two of them to work thru, .. as it is with DH/SIL.
As you put it .. she is very much now not "listening to/hearing" DH .. as it was, as recent as days ago . me . she wasn't listening/hearing.
Oh and I do plan to stay strong and out of it .. no I don't care to investigate AL's, one bit. Very aware that nothing will be suitable .. and in the end, .. that's not the place for her .. (after i've run my legs off, talked to every person in this vicinity for 100 miles, interrupted my life .. to make countless phone calls, .. all for the call to be made, by SIL/MIL .. that's not suitable .. and they forge ahead, absent any setting/placement). No thanks. Very very very aware of the HIGH likelihood of that. Nope. Not signing on to help.
As I was told, and I agree 1000% .. "You don't handle this well .. I want you want out of this". You couldn't be more right DH .. I don't handle it well .. when people try to dictate someone else's happiness at my expense .. as dysfunctional as that world is .. you're absolutely correct .. I don't handle it. Exiting stage left .. and that play is over.
It will now evolve to however you and your sister work together and/or don't .. going forward .. and as it should be, as it should've been eons ago.
I wouldn’t care if M was calling you a $itch. But I very much think that is not the case. I think M is all over her Mom pushing her in a direction SIL doesn’t like. Just my opinion. And another reason for SIL to be angry. But not your problem.
Your blocking SILs texts has forced her to communicate with DH. Of course neither one of them particularly likes that but too bad. You are outside looking in. Whether they want to accept it or not.
Stay Strong.
No plan on their part DOES NOT create an emergency for you. You were yelling into the wind for a couple years before they took notice. You took better care of MIL than her own daughter--and SIL KNOWS this. Yeah, it's, simple to show up for a couple of weeks once a year, run the hamster wheel and depart--but in the whole picture of life, it's not very helpful. Just made MIL want MORE and MORE.
If those visits had been to get her to move to a more appropriate setting, to clean out and sell her home, to make her life as pleasant as possible (yeah, I know she would have hated it all, I said "as possible"--MIL will NEVER be happy. Narcs are incapable of "true" happiness)..then the visits could have been effective and helpful. Instead, they were an epic waste of time.
And only you saw it.
And nobody listened/listens to you.
That hurts, no matter what you say, it HURTS to be ignored.
It HURTS when the one person who SHOULD have your back, doesn't. (DH)
It HURTS when families fracture over stuff like this.(My family is fractured beyond repair. If my mother ever dies, we sibs will probably never speak to each other again.)
Dorker, all you can do is keep on living your life. I do not feel sorry for SIL. (BIL's situation makes me want to cry). I also don't feel sorry for DH. He being so obtuse, so un-helpful. It's nice he's praying for a solution and as a woman of faith, I get that..but faith without works is dead. DH needs to step it up. And he knows it, so I'm not to go on about that.
This mess sits squarely in the lap of DH and his sister. I don't even think MIL gets much of a voice any longer. This will work itself out, somehow, time has a way of solving a lot of problems....MIL is getting older, and less "well". It's a sad thing that SIL wouldn't do the research and find a nicer NH for MIL, but she CHOSE to bring her home, after she was placed. SHE CHOSE IT. Now she has to live with the end result. It'a bad, and going to get worse.
You're out. Stay out. Come here and vent all you like, it's probably the only place you can say what you're feeling and not be judged at all.
We're all firmly in your corner.
I hope you reach out and find some hobbies, spent wonderful time with those babies and simply be on the periphery of this hot mess. It's not your battle to fight (it never was, you got drafted!)....
YOU, Lady, are amazing.
Have a glorious day!
Ding! Ding! Ding!
We have a winner!!!
This is exactly it! The whole ball of
wax. 17 months and well over 5,000 posts.
No matter how it effects anyone else - no matter how disruptive and damaging to anyone else - the elderly, declining, impaired, both
mentally and physically - no matter how unreasonable and even ludicrous- that person MUST be accommodated in living as they please!
Making matters much worse in this case is having the completely brainwashed and manipulated SIL up to bat - doing MILs dirty work for her.
Everything but breathing, right? As long as its in Florida- and SIL has a return ticket to Illinois.
All for a setting that wasn't mine to own to begin with ..
After all of the above and so much more, going about my daily life .. for a long long time, utterly frustrated/angry/resentful . at being sucked into an abyss of c'giving I never asked for, or was consulted in .. as to how much I'm willing to do ..
After all the above and so much more, . going about my daily life with sadness and divide this is causing, in some cases wrecking my marriage ..
I have finally .. hard fought and won .. finally finally begun to see a glimmer of light .. that there is hope .. hope that "I CAN BE HAPPY". I don't have to live in my life in utter frustration and sadness ..
THAT has become ever so faintly, off in the distance, .. a glimmer of light. And I've gotten close enough to that distant far off light, at this point, that I can see it's not an oncoming freight train this time. It's the light of, "light absent this whole sordid mess".
I don't have to own/wear/live/breath/be this situation .. and never should have.
I can see the light .. and it's good. So sucking me back into it .. is not going to be possible ... I don't care if wild horse's come to drag me back into it. It's not going to happen.
I have finally gotten, at least getting there ... to a place within myself .. a realization on my part, .. they were so very blessed to have good ole dependable Dorker in it .. for so long ..
Whether they're grateful or not (doesn't appear to be the case .. not so much) is neither here nor there. I didn't do anything I did with any expectation of an "a'da gal .. keep up the good work" and a pat on the head. I did it because I love and care about these people. Very much so.
When that same love and concern/care, isn't reciprocated and it's a one way street that isn't sustainable .. you do something different. So . that's what I've tried so hard to get up onto the radar for attention.
Failure to get that accomplished is not on me. I tried, vehemently. For far too long, for a problem that isn't mine, never was, to own.
So .. in me, there is finally .. it's been too long coming .. a glimmer of hope that life absent this whole sordid mess, .. can be okay.
I'm going for it. And finally ... have taken so many steps back from it, .. the clarity that whether SIL/DH communicate and figure this out .. they'll have to work thru that, or don't .. not on me. Finally .. the realization/clarity . that whether SIL/M .. can work together or if M is at SIL's throat with it all, also not on me.
Resentment from me? You bet .. strongly there is. Still .. anger/resentment. Yep. Can't help it. Maybe it will abate in time. Resentment that my world had to be so upended .. maybe that was my fault that I didn't take this podium a lot sooner than I did .. so I have to own my own living nightmare I've lived too long .. it's on me that I stayed in it ..
Yes, I am still resentful and angry .. unfortunately. I hope that too will be buried eventually under the bright light that will shine .. "You are out of it . and there is happiness now".
Resentful that . .. at least to me .. the whole situation is so much more workable .. yes .. lesser of evils may be the path that has to be taken, but that's a path that's well worn .. ridges in the road it's so worn .. has been taken by countless tens of thousands of others. At least to me, .. the whole sordid mess, didn't have to get to the point ..
But I did my part, for it to not get there. That's all I can do, control my part of it all.
They had me .. in it .. and likely if there was any willingness .. and capability on behalf of the other parties "to work together towards and end goal". Id still in it. Not so now. Too late.
Isn't it so very telling that MIL is now in IL . and have I mentioned how miserable she is there? A few thousand times, I'm sure. She is absolutely beyond the pale . miserable. It's too cold there, it's not where she wants to be, it's not her home .. and I'm sure, I've had a ring side seat to this whole boxing match thru the years .. her daughter drives her absolutely insane .. beyond any measure of being able to tolerate her. Her daughter drives everyone in her hemisphere insane.
I concur with MIL, most do that come into any radius that encompasses SIL and her spinning top, hamster running, enmeshed all things MIL self.
I'm absolutely certain and don't doubt for a minute that MIL is not a bit happy there, and is every bit as miserable as it's described. Not for a minute. She didn't wanna go .. made that as plain as she possibly could . to even the damn garbage man if he'd stop long enough to listen.
Got it.. clear as day.
And so that now .. is in progress.
It was said at one time, to MIL by SIL .. I was there, I heard it said ..
SIL: Mother you don't have to walk this final chapter of your life alone .. I will walk it with you . as best I can . but you have to help me to help you ... I can't be here all the time .. you have to come to IL .. and stay with me some .. IL is my home .. ".
As she'd try to persuade her mom her willingness to do back and forth (how sustainable that is, long term, up for debate, at least in MO).
I think, in the above, you have one little tiny inth of a fraction of SIL trying .. attempting to placate and do for her mom in a manner that is workable .. (or at least SIL thinks so) .. somewhat .. find something .. grasp anything out of the air that will work .. to try to keep it so that MIL .. much dreaded/loathed/can't even hear of it .. have to go into a facility. SIL's attempt to work towards that.
And MIL, we see . is in now in IL .. and so .. evident in her disdain for being there, .. she will not ever return there. I don't think if some magic fairy appeared and restored her to the vitality of a 40 yo .. I don't think even then she'd return. Her daughter does drive her over the edge.
But even if she bathes daily and in the fountain of youth ... and is restored to some level of functionality (not gonna happen) she is STILL not going to E-V-E-R have herself in any position of stepping foot onto an airplane or any other mode of transport back to IL.
It's not gonna happen. I don't know if AL is in the cards .. not up to me. Never has been.
But ... SIL .. if you want your mom to be happy and that's your end goal . and to you . that means any and all measures to keep her out of that setting. Then figure out how to support it. Period.
That is not my end goal .. nor should I have to vest a whole lot of energy into it. She isn't my mom. Period.
Nor should anyone have any iota of expectation I will do so.
So much I wish I could say to her .. and her actually "hear/own" the words said to her. But .. whether that ever happens, is out of my hands.
"So your mom does not want to go to AL .. EVER .. NEVER EVER ........... so she does NOT want to go to your home, NEVER EVER NEVER ......... so whatcha gonna do SIL".
Again, not my mom. Again, non onus on me to sort through how to support, that which I don't co-sign .. and no .. nobody owes me a damn thing in this, as to what I do or don't co-sign .. that's evident . has been throughout. But I also don't owe anyone in this, more participation than I deem appropriate for me and my wants.
So where are we?
I guess SIL, if you are the one so motivated to make sure your mom is happy to the level you think this will achieve .. then I guess ... maybe you need to figure out getting your house on the market .. and you and B .. figure out a new medical team for him . on this end .. and .. leave your life in IL .. unfortunate .. yep .. but . if that's your goal ..
If that's your goal .. and her happiness over and above every other measure, is most paramount to you ... .then go for it .. knock yourself out ..
"What's that SIL? You can't do that, it's not fair to B .. it's not fair to up end his world .. and make him have to come this way .. and besides you don't even want to live in FL yourself. I hear ya .. so . maybe .. as I suggested .. maybe .. I don't know .. your mom could benefit from some counseling/anti-depressant as she works thru this life-change transition to come to terms with it .. I really don't know, don't have the answers .. but somehow in there she's going to need to understand that there is no support here on this end .. and it's unsafe to continue that .. and so she will have to be willing to go to your house several months of the year .. whether she likes it or not .. and you'll do the best you can to accommodate that . and that you guys will jockey back this way several months of the year .. either that or AL .. and stick to it .. no wavering, no wringing of hands .. no visits on the hour every hour to Pity Park .. and stick to it".
Just very telling to me indeed ..
This was never going to get on any path toward anything short of MIL in her own home .. and Dorker left to hold the bag at the other end of DH's wrath .. and SIL directing from afar. Never would have. May never even now.
MIL .. does not manage. That .... has been well established here.
And as I said to DH this morning on that topic: "Everyone who has any inkling of anything to do with all this sees the writing on the wall, .. except the 3 people that matter most .. and the 3 people that need to take some actionable steps to address it .. and those 3 people are the ONLY ones that can do it .. I'm done fighting city hall. you guys have it your way .. you want her in her own home, and happy and no compromise ... figure it out .. not mine to do so".
And yes, a bit .. just a bit of indigence began to flare .. momentarily . maybe attempt to pull me back in .. by the statement .. "well you can't be that way with someone you love . and just toss them away and throw away the key" (inference that's what I'm doing in my stance).
That was met with response with me: "We aren't going to talk about this any longer if that's your approach ... I was in this, long and hard .. for 15 damn years .. nobody .. nobody can say that I have ignored all this .. ever .. and I'm not going to wear that crown .. so . we an stop right now".
That train of thought/dialogue then shifted.
So yes, I think that was a sliver of seeing if bullying me will bring about cooperation.
Nope.
Just grab a bowl of popcorn and watch the show. They are choosing to make this drama harder than it has to be. It IS a choice, even if the options aren't what they and their mom want them to be.
I do know that the cousin to SIL . in TN .. that recently placed her dad in an AL .. (his agreement .. sad but begrudging agreement) .. he still drives .. doesn't much .. but he can ...if he wants .. has an auto. He is still very viable as to conversation .. and so forth. He is slow to get around .. but not on a cane .. not on a walker. He has since, he moved there, engaged with some group that meets for political commentary .. he is participating and doing okay there.
That about sums up any knowledge I have on that topic .. not having been to any AL .. woefully none.
Personally, I think that ship has sailed ... as Midkid put it, in all her visits here a few times a year running that hamster wheel .. she could've been useful in finding and pushing a suitable setting.
I think . .. (though admittedly having seen those settings myself to have any podium to speak from) .. NH .. maybe .. maybe there are some in those settings just like MIL and worse .. their brain still firing (I'd debate the level that too is functional) .. but their body failed.
I'm sure there are some in that setting, in a NH.
To hear SIL tell it .. I guess
1) We can't put her in a facility . and besides that the nurse even said those places are full of germs and so bad to spread disease and get people sick
2) And beside that .. she's not nearly as bad off as all those other people
So .. to hear her tell it .. it's just out of the question at all, that her mom be put any where .. other than her heart's desire .. back into her home.
The problem is .. this last crux .. was already there, but she nailed the coffin shut .. in my corner .. with her snowing me with a bunch of b'chit that the nurse (who I know damn well wasn't there but maybe 15 or 20 mins, I've seen this gig too much .. I know better) .. happened to concur with just her same talking points.
Don't pizz on my boot and tell me it's raining .. just don't ..
That did it.
That was finally the straw that broke the camel's back in me.
So fine .. you want any/all measures to have your mother firmly in her home .. you guys work it out. Oh what's that .. you say AL is on the radar .. ahh .. okay .. good for you guys .. AL in FL .. good .. hope you guys can work that out too .. I'm no longer interested in playing this game .. in any capacity.
Good luck to you.
That's where I am with it, and staring at that light in the distance of hope and happiness for what my life entails .. absent this whole chit-show.
**oh and any notion that SIL thinks one has to have dementia to be in a facility ... I guess we too diverge on that topic .. I think her mom has some level of vascular dementia .. but am done .. was once on the page of trying to get that bigger pic addressed and thoroughly examined and the fallout there . .as to what is the bigger picture, let's get some clarity. Dealing with a SIL who wants to firmly stick her head up her azz on it. Done w/trying to persuade/cajole, urge and otherwise. You don't want to look at it .. fine by me .. your mom .. again .. figure out how you want her cared for.***
You may want to focus DH on the fact that it is VERY likely that MIL is on the dementia path. Maybe I am crazy, but - from my experience in our own cg’ing journey - everything on this whole long thread screams that she is trotting down that road. It sounds like both SIL and DH are missing that piece.
It is very hard to see for people with their parents because it is so unpredictable and parents retain their habits with their children... even the controlling ones.
Even my FIL, very, very advanced and compromised with Alz, had moments of lucidity. He was also very bright and could sound lucid until prodded. Just have SIL start asking ‘why’ to everything. I would imagine her responses will break down quickly... a big sign of cognitive dysfunction. MIL always stays in the emotional side of the conversation because she knows it hits the heartstrings of SIL and DH. (I don’t say that meanly, by the way, or as if, in full cognition, she is manipulating... in dementia, fight or flight seems to be a strong instinct.) But DH and SIL can’t allow her to turn the conversation or let it go to ‘I want the cloud’ or ‘I am just a bother.’ You have to probe to see it. When they see it, maybe that will help them accept it.
I might be inclined to get off the merry go round of how everyone, including MIL, feels about this situation and just raise the issue with DH that, if they don’t get paperwork in place now, they will not be able to do it. By the time someone is declared incapacitated, that opportunity is out the window. If the paperwork is not in place, none of the better options available now or in the future will remain available.
Remind DH that he may then have to apply for guardianship. Very expensive and invasive, especially if MIL fights it (although I don’t think she would have the capacity to do so in any tangible way.) Also, MIL needs to be reminded that if she doesn’t get her paperwork in order now, the STATE will make decisions for her. Help DH spell out for her exactly what that looks like. “Remember when you went into the hospital, well the state would assign a social worker. If they decide you aren’t able, they can assign a guardian. We will not be taking that role because we are well aware you don’t want us in that role or you would have put us there with the proper powers of attorney. So they will assign a guardian who doesn’t know you and who you don’t know. If you need to be placed, THE STRANGER will be initiating whether your house needs to be sold, what needs to be done with the dog. They may or may not include us very much, but since we know you didn’t want us to help make these choices, we will respect your wishes and step to the side.”
If DH stays in that like a broken record and doesn’t let her use emotional tools, you may get POA. Also, the more she fights it, the more clear it will become that she is compromised. But, he and SIL can’t talk. They need to sit and listen and be broken records. If they engage, they prop her up. If they keep giving arguments, it acts like a rescue to her and she doesn’t actually have to do her own logical thinking.
I see the POA as a lynch pin.
Once that is done, the other battles can be fought. But, as of right now, none of you has any recourse to move anything forward without POA.
Taking the chance that tomatoes will be flying at my head for saying this... I also think that communicating with SIL is a good idea...
cont in next post...
I am not suggesting stepping in again... not at all. You keep your boundaries, you have done an AWESOME job laying them out.
But, what I hear in this is that SIL is finally actually seeing what you saw. She is struggling to align that with the guilt her mother is laying on her. She is still a person with feelings. But if everything were operating and functioning as it should, MIL would be able to step outside of herself a bit. SHE would be the one to make arrangements. But, her feelings don’t trump everyone else’s feelings and her needs don’t trump everyone else’s needs.
Maintain your “wow, that must be hard for y’all”, but every time MIL throws her emotional weapons out there, give them something THEY can use to fight back with. Not you. Them. The more you equip them with language (and the language from others on this site was the SINGLE most helpful tool for my DH and I as we walked this road with really crappy siblings), the more they can recall it and use it.
You be like Yoda, girl.
I would guess one of the big reasons she is upset is that, underneath it all, she is finally realizing what has to be done. But, her mother has crippled her ability to do it. Someone continuing alongside, but not rescuing, will give her strength. Especially since M is doing the same thing. M sounds like she has a better grasp of this than most people, whatever her faults.
This way, you aren’t compromising your boundaries... just sharing wisdom. You can be an ear and a voice. Maybe it feels like you shouldn’t have to anymore, but people are slow to come to understanding in this elder/caregiving/dementia thing. Very slow. Like turtle-style.
That also keeps DH and SIL in their proper roles for the care of their Mom, but you don’t contribute to conflict in your own world. Seeing DH say that he backed the hurricane thing says that there is some hope for him too. You can support him without doing it yourself... if she goes to AL, of course you will visit with him. Because you all can ENJOY each other there. If she doesn’t, well, there is onus on her for that too. If she has feelings and wants, then she is also capable of setting them aside for something more important. If not, then something is broken to some extent.
Heck, I had to be in integral part of getting ILs to Memory Care... it was easier for my DH and clan to have them to be mad at me. I was ok with that. Not everyone would be, but I was at the end of my rope because they were in my home. That was pretty motivating, lol.
That is the other thing. With her in SIL’s home, this is an opportunity. Yes, SIL is being wish washy... I don’t think it is you, though. I think she feels strong some moments and it so strong (like with the strep) at others. The longer MIL is there, the better for her to get a dose of reality.
Every time she complains to DH, he should be reiterating that he is there to help her, absolutely. He will come and help get POA signed. He will help figure out how to set up AL. He agrees SIL shouldn’t be doing this. He will help bear the brunt of MIL’s anger. They are united.
And all the while, when either of them share their woes with Dorker, she is the calm, Yoda-like presence encouraging them on the wise path;)
I do wish you luck with this... and I am so very glad that none of this is in your home or at your doorstep any longer.
That's when MIL dragged out her "Five Wishes" thing... filled out and notorized and chicken scratch all over it, dated back to a decade or more ago.
Me then imploring the document isn't in plain view, it's likely not even valid with all the chicken scratch .. that POA needs to be in place rather than the piece of what ever document that's supposed to be.
There are financial issues
.. oh the answer goes SIL she's on all my accounts ... checking, savings, RM, etc etc ...selling me ... even SIL now on the page "the five wishes thing ... it directs who is to act on her behalf and in what measure..."
Done. I have fought that front too. I can't change the tides, anymore than I can change day to night.
Yea I've told DH and SIL both that I'm certain of cog deficits and it needs more thorough investigation.
SIL likes her view from her head stuck firmly up her azz and DH has never taken initiative to push anything ... firm sideline sitter. Always ... sans FIXIT tasks.
It's theirs now. Done making suggestions that go unheard/no action, excuses always.
Their mom. I'm out.
Yes they fall prey .. both of them as to any ability to step back far enough from the emotion mired in it all, to have any objectivity.
Done trying to shove the train wreck off of me.
Make no mistake about it. There isn't a doubt in my mind that SIL .. her approach, she could care less the impact her decisions have on others .. or indecisuon. She was likely hoping, in her rants .. she can spur DH to action.
That if she can get him on the pity party too .. then all can tell Dorker what a sorry piece of whatever she is ...and we'll all shove this right back into the tidy corner it's been in all along.
Only this time ...DH and the reality on his end is he himself wants Dorker out of all this ..done with Dorker ... she won't be the damn robot we need in all this ... Done with her in it ..need her outta this!!!!!!!!
Unless, of course, that switch to shut Dorker up can be found.
It can't.
Don't wanna hear me .. you got it. But that also comes at the cost .. I don't have to do this, at all.
So I don't delude myself at all. There is some grasping at thin air at this point. How to push Dorker back into status quo ... let me come at brother with just how bad all this is for poor pitiful mom but also poor pitiful me ... all of it on me.
That'll do it. Brother will get mad at her and she'll have to step back in.
They all want, desperately, status quo.
Only Dorker is not on board and DH himself readily states ... he wants me out of it.
Careful what ya wish for.
For the moment .. and this moment only .. that anger didn't rear it's head aimed at me. Subject to change of course at any given whim.
Not going to change my course forward from here.
Your response - "If SIL is finding this too hard to handle in IL, why does she think we need to handle in FL???"
What will the fools learn that MIL needs a T E A M of care - and it is more than SIL and DH can do. SIL is finding that out and NOW she is getting angry. about damn time - now make some decisions that don't involve pushing the work on someone else for a change - get her in AL or NH.
Our whole church/neighborhood has stepped up to help this woman raise these kids. They are awful beyond belief, due primarily to terrible circumstances in which they've lived off and on.
There is a family in our church community who actually wants to adopt all 3 kids. Gma would still be a big part of their lives, but not doing the day-to-day. She broached this with their father who stated he'd rather see his kids in foster care before he'd let anyone adopt them. WTH? He hasn't even seen them in nearly a year.
Gma is losing her home, can sell and get a little out of it, but not enough to supplement her income to raise the kids. She will not stand up to her son, but complains bitterly about her circumstances and situation.
I see the exact same lack of movement in my friend and I see in SIL---they KNOW better, they KNOW what is the best thing to do, they simply will NOT pull the plug on the untenable living situation. Depression? Yes. for sure. Fear? Probably. Gma is just frozen in space--unable to make a decision or pack a box. She will lose her home Dec. 31st. I have been packing, cleaning, working with this lady to get her to see what she really needs to do for her own health, and certainly for the kids. organizing neighborhood help to pack the pods she has to store her junk in, cleanup crews, etc. I', totally fried, emotionally and physically. I had to step away and take a 10 day vacation to get me away from this mess.
Like SIL, she's absolutely unable to see from one day to the next as to what to do. I have pushed her so hard, so she WON'T lose her home, and it looks like she very likely will. I'm beyond frustrated and angry with her. She knew this was coming 3 years ago and did NOTHING to prepare. That doesn't make it MY emergency, but my personality is a fixer--and she's so broken, I simply can't fix her.
People have the right to do as they chose. They do NOT, however, have the right to chose the outcome of bad decisions.
My friend is pretty much destroying any chance these kids have for normalcy. She won't do the smallest bit of legal-work that would give her full custody and the right to adopt the kids to this great family. She's in poor health, having thrown 2 blot clots in the last year and does Sonny boy come home to check on mom and his kids. Nope. Not even one day. Reminds me of DH who is waiting for the second shoe to drop before he steps up--if even then.
My point is: you just cannot control other people. I really do care for my friend, but she has worn me out. I imagine Dorker feels like that. Work my butt off for 10 hrs a day, 6 days a week and each day I returned to find the kids had unpacked half the boxes.
Does my friend appreciate me? I honestly have no idea. Maybe at one point, but probably not now. I'm no "use" to her now.
Have I been unbearably angry with her? Oh wow, yes. She won't listen. When I heard she had been telling people I was "bossy" I lost it on her. She NEEDS somebody to hold her hand and make her move. I can't fix her anymore than Dorker can fix anyone in this saga.
Will my anger abate? Eventually. Will I get messed up in other people's problems again? Absolutely. Hopefully, though, I have learned to set better boundaries. I walked out 2 weeks ago and told her I was done. I quit.
And she DID have a huge TEAM who supported her and helped her. Still does, really, just doesn't see it.
Old saying: You can't fix stupid. Maybe this applies to a lot of situations.
She failed to save for her retirement, for care when she needed.
She failed to plan for old age when she could no longer manage her affairs.
Now that her physical and mental health is sliding down fast to the bottom of the bell curve, she is pouting and demanding like a spoiled 3 year old who wants what she wants to make her feel good with no regards to anyone else.
Because of her failure, she put a huge burden on Dorker for 15 years, and now her daughter. She is putting a strain on her son's marriage. She might cause a permanent rift in the relationship between Dorker and SIL. She is making SIL and her husband sicker. All the good memories are so far gone. Only the bad ones are at the forefront. This is her legacy.
Was it DH who said MIL didn't mean to get old and frail? Duh!!! Who knew? She was supposed to stay young and healthy forever. Right?
All of us who follow this saga should try our best to avoid MIL's mistakes. For our children's sake.
They won't be little forever. One day, in the blink of an eye .. their peers/activities will far supersede any "want" to be around that dusty ole g'ma (me). And I know that day comes faster than you can imagine. Thus, I stake claim at this point, to what I can, what DD asks for, as to my inclusion (and she is great to share their lives with us).
It dawned on me, .. as I was pulling them around the church grounds in their wagon, big smiles of amazement on their faces .. all the hullabaloo and stimulation ongoing there. Were MIL here in town .. at present .. SIL not here .. and MIL sick .. which happens so often with her. I could've very easily .. had I not fought to get out from under this, been sunk .. as far as my ability to go enjoy the evening with my g'kids.
There are some who would point the finger of disdain and "now you can't live by the what if's .. you got to go .. that's all that matters .. all the what if's .. you can't live that way".
No, but I can damn sure lessen my exposure to the "what if's, particularly/specifically because this is not my mom.
If MIL were agreeable to a facility somewhere, to reside, . chances are whatever ailed her .. depending on whatever it might be, would be contained with staff there to attend to her. But her refusal to do so.. very well could've and it did at one time, impede my ability to go and do what I want with my time. TOO MUCH OF THE TIME.
You can lead the horse to water ... but you can't make em drink.
I have done all I can do with the whole scene .. and I don't do "dysfunction" very well, see the scene years ago with OD .. I just don't do it .. I'm not wired that way.
So I forge ahead . and absent that scene .. and actually at this point .. learning to be okay with it, and maybe even rejoice in it.
I'm sorry that at the other end, are some folks that I do care very much for, and I do realize they too hurt .. their mom .. their once vibrant mom .. and dealing/coming to terms w/it .. and their mom herself .. failure to come to terms with it. I have been on that page, and do today .. have a keen realization that all in this saga are hurting in their own way.
That still .. doesn't provide impetus for me to continue banging my head to a bloody pulp. And I won't, not any longer.
These folks, I'll say it again .. they never asked, not one time .. in all these years, "hey Dorker what works for you in all this?". I was never asked that and mission creep soon consumed the whole scene.
I'm done with it. And glad of it. On the other end, is a frail old lady that yes, I do care about .. but .. I'm not going to sacrifice my life .. in that endeavor. Sorry, not sorry.
My guess is that SIL pats herself on the back with the assurance, she gets here as often as she can. And, she has done a stellar job of that, no one can fault her there. And, when she comes, the care her mother gets is the absolute best of the best .. and then some. But what she fails to understand .. that no longer is viable. To come only "when you can".
So . figure out what to do, not mine to handle. That simple. Their mom has choices .. none of them 1st choices, none of them optimal ..but there are choices .. pick one.
Your story about your friend and the grandkids, just....WOW!
I know your heart hurts over that situation.
The father needs his head pinched off.
I think that you've gotten MIL's kids to where they need to be. They seem to finally realize that you are NOT stepping back in.
In some families, this is less messy, but these folks that you're dealing with? They are hard core deny-ers.
Your neutral statements? "Gee , that's tough". "I'm so sorry to hear that". Wow, I wonder what could make that situation better? "
Wishing you well.
Make it clear that you love each and everyone of them and want only the best for MIL. Then detail what you are and are not prepared to do to make that happen.
MIL can go into some sort of supervised living either in Florida or Illinois. You may be prepared to help that initially happen but won't be responsible for her day to day needs. You could also help with the sale of her home and disposal of excess belongings. Thats up to you.
The other viable option which is what she wants is to return to her home. BUT you will no longer do more than visit socially and she must agree to hiring proper full time help so someone is there every day. If she does not abide by these rules Adult Protective Services will be notified. Under no circumstances will she move into your home. She must also agree to sign POA financial and health or the deal is off. You may be prepared to take care of the dog, but he will not have freedom to run over your house pooping where he chooses
DH must be prepared to step up to the plate and assist with the disposal of the house, i.e. making necessary repairs so it is salable. His interaction with his mother is entirely up to him but he or SIL should have the POA.
SIL can get off the hamster wheel once a facility is arranged for MIL. She also should be prepared to be POA. Does not matter where the facility is MIL won't need to go out in bad weather. SIL should be responsible for finding a suitable facility. Dorker is not going to do it and her DH will procrastinate.
Poor BIL has no more need to be embroiled in all this than Dorker does although he can helps able.
Mil has two adult children who are perfectly capable of making decisions for MIL and enforcing their choices.
Otherwise the ultimatum is "here's the plane ticket for X date I"ll drop you off at the airport.
It won't be that simple of course because she will become very sick the day efore she is due to leave and have diarrhea all over the place even if she has to take ten Senokot to make it happen. MIL may be trotting down the dementia road but she is far from stupid