I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
My MIL could be Dorker's. Currently she is pretty independent, but she's not to going to be much longer. I don't know what she'll do. She's cut ties with so many people. She's hurt so many with her toxic personality, I don't know who would step up and help her.
Dorker--I just feel your frustration boiling over. You're a fixer. As am I. Shoot, I want to get involved and go to IL and smack SIL upside the head.
But, as a fixer, I have learned the fine art of stepping out and away when you've done all you can. I have a friend (referred to in an earlier post I made) who is trying to sell her home and move 800 miles away with her 3 grandchildren. It's a stupid plan and isn't going to work, but I have been plugging along, packing and repacking and making lists and trying to help her. Then one day a few weeks ago, I realized I was "showing up to work" and she was just sitting in a chair waiting for me. Hadn't done a thing since I had left the day before at 6 pm. Actually, the kids had opened several boxes looking for Legos. Kitchen was a mess, in about 16 hrs the house had totally disintegrated into chaos.
I practically burst into tears, The reality was that what had started out as SERVICE had become SERVITUDE and that was my last day helping her. I sat her down and told her things from my POV and said "You are making this choice. I don't support it, but I support YOU. However, you have failed to plan and now you're stuck with a half empty house which you HAVE to sell and nobody but me who will even come to try help. I'll finish today and then I have to step out."
Then I stepped away. She can't get anyone in our church community to come help. She is completely frozen in place. Can't make a decision, but won't listen to anyone.
A lot like your situation with MIL and SIL. They refuse to make decisions. They just run in place (the hamster wheel) and those things go nowhere.
Unless pushed forward by something drastic, they'll do nothing. Drives "fixers" just crazy, right? We see the answers--the many possibilities to solving or helping and all our advice is for naught. My friend didn't care what I thought, she just liked that I showed up day after day (nursing a broken foot!) and worked my butt off, only to return the next day and basically start all over.
I'm out. And I'm hurting. I bet you are too. Under that tough lady exterior you are very hurt by the people you love and care about.
I have no advice for that. I'm really sad today...my friend stands to lose her home simply out of inertia and the inability to plan ahead. And she's HAD a great team helping her.
I HOPE that MIL does not ever return from IL. The not knowing is the worst.
Hoping you have a blessed and calm Sunday.
What would be useful is for DH to 1. Get involved in a REAL conversation with his sister about what the future looks like. 2. Acknowledge your 15 years of work with his mother. 3. See that there is something in between "throwing mom in an institution" and enabling her (and SIL's) denial that she needs help.
All of this involves being an adult. Having sober, uncomfortable conversations with siblings and parents. Acknowledging one's own frailties. Accepting help, whether it's pastoral counseling or the help of a mental health professional.
DH seems to be very much a black and white thinker. Not unusual in the child of a narcissist.
I understand that you love him and have made a life with him. I simply fear for the future, because, given his makeup, he will need to blame someone for the end game.
" No, Mom/Dad; I can't possibly do/enable that. It's not in your best interest and certainly not in mine. My children/marriage/family need to come first. This is what I'm able/willing to do."
And when they cry out "You don't love me", you say, " yes, I love you.
I love you enough to insist that you get the level of care you need".
I'd suggest Dorker get involved in HER life - busy with grandchildren (those precious opportunities that go by so quickly as kids grow), social life and whatever other interests she might have. Simply not available to be part of the continuing soap opera of MIL.
It all remains the 15 ton elephant stomping about right in front of us, and not spoken of. And there it will remain ..
I don't bring any of it up. And I won't be. The whole thing has cost me way too much emotional toll thru the last few years .. toll that I can't get back .. as to my own well being. I'm not going to fight over any of it anymore, and that seems to be the result .. if the topic comes up.
Thus it gets absolutely zero airplay around here.
We talk about the weather, the kids, politics, current events .. you name it .. plans for next weekend, other family issues (sans the MIL/SIL saga) .. you name it .. all appears normal. But there is, simmering just under the surface, the hot button issue of the MIL/SIL saga .. gets no voice at all.
Not easy for an avowed "fixer". I want "answers/solutions".
But . ya know, it's been obvious .. plain black and white .. for a very long while, there will be no answers, other than skirmishes that erupt from time to time . and directives from afar to get aggravated with. So what's the point in bringing any of it up.
I have no idea what the status of it all is at present. For all I know they flew in the other day and are nicely tucked in, just up the road from me .. and rocking along. Doubtful .. there'd be some push in my direction to step forth .. and there's been none.
I have no idea .. are they flying in tomorrow, next week .. next month, .. never .. I don't know, haven't asked. Doesn't involve me, in any way .. thus I don't ask.
Rovana describes it all perfectly. SIL wants to (as far as I know, but I'm in self imposed exile from the info on it all) .. SIL wants to let her mom die in her own home .. stay there .. as long as it takes, whatever the cost. As long as that cost comes at the latitude she go back home to IL .. and tend to her life on that end, and throw directives around this way ..
I mean .. the ironing . let's not forget the ironing .. the bait that was set on that topic .. a few months back. I could care absolutely one whit .. whether MIL is lounding daily in ironed PJ's .. but yet that was thrown out as bait . that MIL is now stating she's gonna drag the ironing board out and iron her pj's .. MIL who can barely stand .. without falling .. and she announces she's gonna drag out the ironing board .. And SIL attempts that baiting in this direction. I failed to take the bait .. she then directed the housekeeper to that chore, and paid her to do so weekly.
If I'd of taken that bait .. I'd of been over there weekly with a stack of freshly laundered PJ's . .and an ironing board . and handling it. I declined.
SIL wants her mom .. as happy and comfortable and the accouterments possible in that set up, at her disposal .. "enabler".
So .. fine .. do it yourself. That simple.
It's hard for a fixer like myself, to live in a state of limbo as to when the next shoe drops in all this.
I suppose that comes long about the time there is a return date .. flight. And so then I will be told I can move along now from my hissy fit .and get to steppin. It's coming.
Excuses will range:
She's old, .. she needs help
She doesn't want to have to go to a facility, EVER.
SIL can't be here ALL THE TIME
I have to work, I can't be there
She will manage ..
She has a team
Dorker, you are being so selfish, you too will get old one day ..
This and so much more, throw at me. It's coming .. it's not if, it's when.
I don't care to fight anymore on this topic .. I simply don't. Period.
I already have my response at the ready .. "Not arguing about this, let me know when you'd like to find a 3rd party to mediate all this - otherwise subject closed".
And stick to that.
Neither here nor there, but I guess when this has all been such a huge part of your existence for so long, and so .. at times sidelined your own life/plans . etc .. it becomes something of a constant ticker tape running thru your brain of the past things that have occurred in it all. Markers.
I think back to 2012 .. when YD graduated high school .. by that point in time .. she was already to the point, she rarely drove to any social function .. had to be picked up (oh she'd drive in those days to go get her poochy special foods and treats . or to the grocery and amble about .. but anything outside of that, it was the norm in those days she'd have to be picked up). Offered to pick her up . to bring her to the party/celebration planned. She "wasn't up to it". Missed the whole thing.
In 2013 .. a baby shower planned for DD .. first g'child. MIL was such a fiasco to deal with in that setting. Seemingly .. as old people will do .. no filter anymore .. and so .. just out of touch with what was going on around her, not engaging appropriate to the interaction ongoing. A real annoyance in fact, .. holding court with someone .. conversation .. when the presents were being opened and eewing and aah'ing ongoing as to the presents .. and she's got someone's ear over in the corner bending it, not paying a bit of attention to what is the center/focus of what the purpose is for this whole shindig, . .and bending the ear of a participant that might have wanted to escape . and go join the party .. but held captive to her and her inability to engage appropriately. Making a mockery .. by shouting out that she'd not been given enough on her plate (I fixed her plate for her, brought it to her). I mean, most people .. have enough sense .. if there's not enough on their plate .. they realize .. there is more there, the plate can be brought back for more .. let others serve their plates also .. and let's see. But no .. she had to shout that out.
All the above, .. to the point the next pregnancy/baby shower rolled around, 2016 . she was excluded. Not invited, at all, on purpose.
My point in the above, . the unraveling of this has been ongoing for a long time.
She didn't wake up one day and was just completely off the rails .. and it was sudden. This has been ongoing for a long time, just in different ways all along through it.
DH is so right, "you need to back up from all this, you don't handle it well". Truer words never spoken.
As far as I'm concerned, but the words can't be spoken to him .. it's a taboo topic that will cause fights .. and SIL .. I guess, now, absent her ability to text me .. my having blocked that .. has no desire to reach out at this point, to talk to me .. (that's how it was anyway .. texts flying in all the time, as to her mom .. and that was mostly .. probably 98% of anything that was talked about .. enmeshed, OCD .. ya think ..) .. but always in text form. I guess, now that the ability to do so has been blocked .. there is zero communication from her.
If given the ability to say what I want to those involved, and without a fight I don't care to enter into .. it would be:
'You guys are so right, I don't have a voice in any of this! She's not my mom .. have at it all, do as you will, you won't hear another opinion from me at all, .. do what works for you guys .. if that means .. keeping her in her home .. as she wishes .. have at it .. knock yourselves out .. figure out how that works .. SIL if you want to give up your life .. for however much longer your mom has on the face of this planet .. have at it . just .. leave me out of all of it . entirely".
"'You guys are so right, I don't have a voice in any of this! She's not my mom .. have at it all, do as you will, you won't hear another opinion from me at all, .. do what works for you guys .. if that means .. keeping her in her home .. as she wishes .. have at it .. knock yourselves out .. figure out how that works .. SIL if you want to give up your life .. for however much longer your mom has on the face of this planet .. have at it . just .. leave me out of all of it . entirely". "
I mean .. years ago, before estranged brother became estranged for good, forever .. there'd been a dust up between he and his mom and he disappeared from the scene .. (having gotten up in the middle of the night and left, no g'bye .. no letter left, nothing .. just gone). Not a "normal" .. for him.
Well, then it became evident he was going to light MIL up one side and down the other like a xmas tree . as to whatever it was he perceived as her wrong doing .. (this was the first time he disappeared). He was on the phone .. SIL on the other extension . begging that he not say these hurtful/horrible things to their mom .. as he lashed out in venom and anger at their mom.
That conversation ended harshly . .and he was gone. Who knew he'd even come back, he did .. eventually.
And get this ........................
It was never talked about.
Me over here, the noisy kid in the class .. "don't you think it'd be best if you guys get some of whatever grievance that was .. get it on the table and hash thru it".
MIL would ultimately go on to say that she tried, .. 1 x. That she asked him (he just reappeared at some point, no apology .. no offer to discuss prior greivances, nothing .. he was just .. back on the scene again .. occasionally). MIL would tell it in the coming years/months that she did ask him 1 x .. would he like to talk about it and he declined. It was dropped. I urged his brother and his sister (the noisy disruptive fixer kid of the classroom) .. "shouldn't one of you reach out to him .. maybe get some of this worked through".
I guess it was thought best not to .. nobody seemed willing to take that torch and go with it.
He was now on the scene again .. on occasion.
The first blow up . .listed above . happened around the time the dad died, 2003. He was absent for probably a couple of years . no explanation, no further dialogue.
Then he re-entered .. and was back on the scene some . on occasion .. nothing ever talked thru.
Then .. by 2009 when DD got married .. there'd been a dust up (something I consider pretty mild) .. at the reception ... and again . he left .. in the middle of the night . .and no dialogue at all. And it became evident after that .. in DH reaching out to him (I don't think he ever talked, not one time to SIL or to MIL . about it) .. that he is gone for good .. DH reaching out to him . .Some of the things he had to say about MIL/SIL .. vile and vulgar .. and .. IMO .. really kind of unfounded (at least at that time, that was MO .. I don't know .. at this point, I can kinda see .. his sensibilities .. his makeup .. his characteristics .. why they both rubbed him raw .. routinely). At the time, I didn't get it .. but I do now, more than I did at that time.
My point there .. there was never any .. through any of it .. any true "sit down/hash thru/talk about it" .. never, not once. And now, he's been gone since 2009 . .and MIL has reached out in countless letters that go unanswered, .. asking what she did wrong .. what did she do so wrong .. that she's sorry .. whatever it is .. nothing . no response ever. The letter goes off into some abyss . not return to sender, . but no response .. ever. Same with SIL .. writes occasionally . same flavor . no answers . no responses.
DH and I stopped by at one time (he was now estranged and hadn't talked to any of us in a year or more). We happened to be in the vicinity where he lives, for a family funeral on my side of the family (about 6 hours from where we live). Stopped in .. surprise visit to him .. and we weren't real well rec'd by him. Obvious he didn't want us there .. he wasn't ugly .. but it was about like having popped a surprise visit on someone that is just a cordial friend .. not all that welcoming. He was vile .. when DH brought it all up .. vile/vulgar words in reference to his mom/sister.
The point there being .. this family .. doesn't talk thru and work things out .. ever.
Well established. Doesn't happen .. ever.
And .. true to form, to this day .. the last communication had with SIL .. between myself and she .. I had sent those mis-sent texts to her .. and they were full of anger and frustrations .. and so forth, on my part. They were followed by 2 requests for her to call not text.
She did text back .. that's all she did .. explanation for her not having responded sooner .. (she'd been dealing with her daughter's dog that had gotten skunked in the b'yard of her daughter's residence) .. and then went on to say in a text "we must always remember, she too is a person with her own concerns for her situation and desires for her setting" .. No promise to call at some point .. nothing.
I blocked her texts.
Now, to prove my point that these people don't talk to one another, ever.
I am on FB .. and I have multitudes of family/friends on FB .. and my bday just came and went, so pics on there .. by daughters of the celebrations . .and me, bday cake/candles .. etc. HBD wishes from far and wide, friends and family .. Kind words to me, from loved ones far and wide.
SIL weighs in .. (social media!!!!!!). "Happy Birthday Dorker .. from all of us in IL".
Just don't .. just . ya know .. go away ..
And .. true to form .. our anniversary was this weekend, 39 years married. And .. DH put a sweet picture on FB .. and some kind words .. of his wife and such . and true to form, from IL. "Happy Anniversary to you both from us in IL".
Just .. just go away ........!!!
My perception of the above .. she can't be bothered with any phone call that might involve some sort of substantive conversation ..
So MO for this family. Just skim right on past the fact there are problems, deep problems here, people not on speaking terms with one another, just skim right on past that.
Just .. I dunno .. just kinda makes one sickened .. just to see how things work in this family.
And just so ya know .. my family .. my bio family .. I have a brother .. younger than me, .. fell off the rails years back .. badly, in drug addiction(s) .. lost his wife, his job . his kids, .. you name it, wrecked his world. Stayed in that addiction pattern for a number of years . and was at times .. not on speaking terms with us either. But .. eventually he did pull himself out of that mess .. jail stints .. you name it .. it was bad bad bad, .. and this was a guy who was formerly a professional in the insurance industry for 20 plus years .. a cushy office job .. all of it gone . his life as he knew it .. over.
He mistreated every one of us in our bio family .. using/abusing us .. and also placing us .. and our not enabling of his bad behaviors . on the "not to be spoken to" list .. for months/years .. as the thing rocked along.
But ultimately he did pull himself out of it all, . . and apologies made .. respectively to each and every one of us .. and much dialogue from him and accountability in the end, of what life was like in the throes of addiction .. and having wrecked his world .. and .. even some gratitude that he still had family that would speak to him ..
The difference there is STARK to me. Absolutely STARK.
No, I don't handle it well, the way their family operates .. not at all. Best I'm out of it.
Try to care for yourself, for your family, especially grandkids, so they can learn healthy ways of living.
I know you are looking at what may be coming, but remember you CAN just say NO. Like Buddha walking along a road. A traveler offers him a scorpion, but Buddha simply says "I don't want that. You will have to keep it." And just walks on.
Generally, in years past .. oh, of course, there would perhaps be a dinner out, or over here .. in the years she was more mobile and able to go. Then, it graduated to, dinners brought to her, bday cake .. family gathering .. at her house, .. or maybe even lunch out somewhere. Not usually a present, .. not for years now .. what do you get someone that's in their 80's and .. doesn't want for a whole lot .. already has a houseful of trinkets and such. But certainly the occasion would be marked .. and not ignored. Always.
Today .. that won't be the case.
I did go and buy a bday card, .. (more than I should've done) .. and gave it to DH to sign/address and mail to his sister's in IL. He did so.
Will he think to call his mom, . yes, even though he just signed a card and sent it mere days ago. Probably not. Up to me to remind him, no. Maybe his sister will send him a text .. and remind him .. maybe he'll pay attn to that text, .. or ignore it, as he's so prone to do.
I could call SIL's house, to speak to MIL and wish her a HBD ... but I have to get past the gatekeeper to do so .. and I don't care to talk to her, SIL. For her to just smooth things over, act like nothing happened .. and just idle chit chat .. that I don't care to engage in, .. only for her to then act as if things are hunky-dory .. and then .. begin anew with her approach to things.
Just done with it.
As far as I'm concerned, it brings about a sadness ... what things have deteriorated to at this point. But very much out of my control.
I think of the few times that I did talk to MIL, her in IL not here local. And a couple of those times, she wasn't in earshot of her daughter and seemed to so appreciate someone to vent to ... as to the scene there. She and I both agree, her daughter is O-V-E-R-B-E-A-R-I-N-G! She and I could always commiserate on that point .. it's true.
Her lamenting that she feels so bad ... that her daughter doesn't stop .. feet hit the floor and she runs at a sprint the whole day .. and doesn't stop (true) and that she beckons of her daughter, .. to just come sit down .. come visit .. come watch a movie with me .. and her daughter always has a thousand things she needs to do .. things that preclude her actually sitting down to enjoy and be with her mom. Her mom pointing that out .. and how it was all making her feel so bad .. that she's now there, just one more thing that SIL has to busy herself to look after, .. and as MIL put it .. "there's not a thing I can do .. ya know .. in years past .. I could've cooked a meal, or gone to the store, .. or done some laundry .. I could've been useful . but here I sit .. unable to do a damn thing to contribute and I watch her run at a full sprint .. all day long and never stop .. and it makes me feel so bad".
I get it. I understand. A point/topic she and I always were in agreement about.
In the interest of trying to put a positive spin .. "well hey .. maybe at some point M can come get you and you guys go to lunch .. ". Met with a response from MIL: "Yea right, that's not gonna happen and you know it".
True .. M, pretty self-absorbed. And I know that to be the case. A point that has always angered me .. the very fact that SIL hasn't hesitated for one nano second on this end, to enlist daughters here .. to the front .. to service for MIL .. but when it comes to her own daughter, that compunction doesn't seem to exist, and excuses abound .. as to why M doesn't have time, shouldn't be bothered .. etc etc.
Of course, at this juncture, I have no idea whatsoever, if there has been any meeting of the minds there on their end .. maybe SIL and MIL sat down and came up with a plan of sorts, .. "okay on Tuesday nights .. you will put aside all chores and such .. .and you and I will sit down
You and I will sit down and watch a movie together, or just visit .. and chores and errands and phone calls and so forth, will be shelved.
Doubtful, very very doubtful. Out of my control. Nor do I have any desire any longer to enter that realm. I once did. Not anymore.
I think of the time before MIL was to depart to go that way . to IL . .and MIL lamenting many many reasons she didn't want to do this .. have to go to IL. . One of those, of course, that her daughter will be dragging her through the ringer with doc visits all the time, and to quote MIL: "That's not me, that's not what I'm about at this point in my life .. to be running the roads to doctors and tests and procedures .. but you know her .. it's gonna be HER WAY .. always .. HER WAY .. it will be a bunch of "but mother...", and off we'll go . she's gonna have it her way".
She's right. That's how SIL is. Out of my control.
I did, at that time, take up that torch and try to persuade SIL .. that she can't do that to her mom .. that ship has sailed .. gottta quit . it's more than she can do most days to even get dressed, much less be dragged off for tests and procedures she's not interested in .. and usually produce no results .. gotta stop that. She doesn't want that.
To SIL's response: "Well I guess .. I mean it's just really .. ya know .. if she tells me of an ache or pain or ailment .. it's .. it's like how do you ignore that .. that's what you do, you go see about it .. see what's causing it .. .see what can be done, if anything .. and so .. I mean .. you don't just tell a doctor . oh she hurts, but we don't care .. leave it alone .. that's just .. that's all so foreign to me".
Whatever. She doesn't LISTEN. If you were "listening", when I said what I just did . when your mom tries to impart the same things to you .. and you don't "listen" . you'd actually hear/absorb .. she doesn't want that .. it's not about what you want .. it's about her.
I have no idea if on their end, there has been a meeting of the minds on the above .. doubtful. Out of my control.
I do know that MIL would probably like to have me to talk to .. (perhaps .. I don't know, maybe she too hates my guts at this point, for all I know). She did always seem to have an appreciation for the fact I have a more level head in all this .. and that I could empathize/understand the moving parts of all this . with a more objective view.
Today will come and go, and I won't be reaching out to wish her HBP ......... for the first time in decades. And that .. while it makes me sad, there is also a resolute in me .. "resolute" that I can't control any of this .. and this is their family and their approach to it all .. and not for me to try to interject any further, and I won't.
I feel for her, to the extent she is truly at the mercy of a daughter that drives her over the edge .. I do feel for her in that context .. and I see it, I know it .. I don't deny it.
But .. I can't control it .. and that's between the two of them .. to work it out, or don't. MIL has choices, .. she doesn't have to be at the mercy of a daughter that drives her bonkers .. she could consent to a facility for her residence .. and make the best of it all, .. to the extent she's able, (no not a first choice, not even a 5th choice .. but somewhere down the line .. a choice .. she can make .. but won't).
So, .. not mine to fix .. and so I'll go about my day today and .. just .. with a bit of sadness as to what this has all deteriorated to. So be it. Not of my making. I have offered .. begged/pleaded .. to "talk" .. and it goes nowhere. So it remains, broken . unresolved.
It sounds like you are sad to ignore your MIL on her birthday. (Coincidentally, it's my mom's 89th birthday tomorrow!) I haven't read this whole thread but it sounds like the in law family doesn't connect the way you wish they would and has no appreciation for the things you have done for your MIL over the years.
I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you seem sad about this. I hope you are making the decision not to contact her today because its the best one for you...and not because you are trying to make a point to your husband and in laws. You have to make the decisions that are best for you.
But yes, also .. a decision made by me, .. that it's best for me, to not reach out .. to wish MIL a HBD .. because to do so . at least in my emotional state of weathering all this .. and wading the waters to a newfound detachment .. I'd have to get past a gatekeeper that's notorious (the whole family is notorious for it) for skimming past and smoothing over, ignoring .. the 15 ton elephant in the room.
I'm done .. I'm just done .. I don't want to be a part of that scene any longer. I know SIL well, too well. She would infer .. in any phone call to her end . that I have forgotten, forged ahead .. and Dorker is at the ready to step to the plate and swing for the fences again in the whole MIL saga .. and not even address any of it. .
That's okay .. she doesn't have to "address" any of it, it's HER mother .. not mine.
But .. having had zero opportunity via her son, via SIL .. anyone in this, to speak my piece .. "Guys I get it, she's your mom .. do as you will, leave me out of it entirely .. I do love and care for each of ya . or I would have never been a part of trying to be helpful . but that ship has sailed and it's no longer anything I wish to be a part of .. so let me speak to MIL .. have a nice day SIL".
Zero opportunity to have even that closure in it all .. it remains the 15 ton elephant .. that doesn't get talked about .. and so to call there and wade past all that .. I just am not there. Don't want to do it, and so I won't.
I get the sense in it all, and that's nothing that has been said or even inferred by anyone . self imposed I guess .. I get the sense that it's thought Dorker is just having herself a hissy fit .. and they'll all just back away and leave Dorker to her hissy fit that she'll ultimately move past and then step back in ..
I don't know why I get that sense, it's nothing that has been said or even inferred in any way (that 15 ton elephant that gets no mention) .. and .. it's not even a matter that this road has been well traveled .. Dorker has a hissy fit and gets past it .. that's not been any pattern established by me.
But .. I get the sense .. no one wants to visit that 15 ton elephant in the room, in the belief that Dorker will move on past her hissy fit ... in short order and life can resume ..
Not the case ..
But of course, I won't be given any opportunity to make that clear to all parties involved, ... this isn't a hissy fit that is soon to pass .. this is your new normal, start liking it. That won't be available to me .. and so I move along .. a big mass of twisted up mess . just over here to the side of me, that needs untangling and no ability to do it.
So .. no, I won't be calling MIL for her BD today .. and that is a decision that is borne out of .. what suits me .. and my sensibilities at present .. and not one out of "spite" for, .. "there! See how ya like them apples". I don't really care what their thoughts are, as to my approach on the above.
I do care what MIL's sentiments are .. and I don't wish to hurt her in any way .. but I just can't fight past the avalanche that is this family and their dysfunction anymore. Just done with it. But no way to impart that.
You went to buy the damned card. What on earth was the point of not signing it? To show that you're taking a stand? What stand?
If you feel hurt and exploited, then don't lift a finger to get a card.
If you feel it's right to get her a card, get her a card and claim the credit for it, at least to the tiny extent of letting her see you've signed the bloody thing.
Of course, it would be even better if DH stirred himself to get his mother a card and collect the relevant signatures, but let's not expect miracles eh.
As it is you actually have done the thoughtful work and yet you've made it look as if you're pouting in a corner, so that the outcome is you've done yourself an injustice. How's that going to help? You're not going to tell me you feel better for it?
Likewise. If you think DH should call his mother, say so. If you think it's none of your business, don't say so but then for God's sake don't waste hours wrestling with your conscience about it either.
Let's face it. It'll be a heck of a lot quicker to dial the number and hand him the 'phone, won't it. Then you can get on with something more productive for the rest of your day.
But I figured I’ve already stepped in a steaming pile of poo with my remarks on dh’s praying - so I was gonna leave it alone.
However - in true coward fashion, I’ll hide behind Countrymouses skirt - and peek out long enough to say “yeah, what she said”.
Youve mentioned your agreement in dh’s sentiment that you don’t do this well - the dealing with the monkeys in this dysfunctional circus.
What I don’t do well is regret and it’s twin sibling, guilt. I stew and fester - completely unable to chalk anything up to experience or a lesson learned. Fester, fester, fester - rot, rot, rot.
As a result, what I have learned is to do whatever it takes to avoid guilt and regret. Usually, this means I force myself to do something I don’t really want to do. I far less “regret” the action that it took to avoid - than the regret that inaction would have produced. Cause usually the inaction brings guilt along for the ride.
So, okay - that’s just me. It’s not you. Right? You’ve also mentioned a number of times what a fabulous grandma MIL was in her younger years - before she became the filterless, inappropriate conversation hogger at baby showers. Which btw - hasn’t everyone witnessed this old gal at every shower they’ve attended that includes relatives?
Not to mention - but I’m mentioning- this very well could be MILs last birthday.
So - once MIL has hitched her ride on the fluffy, white cloud - will you regret not having made a quick phone call to wish her a Happy Birthday?
If “no” - than more power to ya. And, your a stronger person than me. But I couldn’t do it. As always - that’s just me. Not you. Just me.
Yes .. my sadness .. it comes from a place of the broken-ness of all this. Not from a place of .. "oh gee, what more can I do to not have any regrets in all this".
I don't regret .. and haven't .. any part of it all. Well, maybe .. that I wasn't smarter in the first place and never got myself in any of this to begin with.
I didn't cause the broken-ness this has all become .. nor can I cure it.
Will I regret that I didn't reach out, .. if it turned out this was her last bday?
I think I would, if she were out at her house, living alone .. and no one to mark the occasion. She isn't, .. she is with her daughter, in her home .. she's not all alone.
I just cannot and won't stomach .. getting past the gatekeeper to wish her well on this day. I'm not interested.
Her son sent a bday card .. and that yes . was at my behest. Had I not done that .. it would've likely gone unmarked . this date .. from anyone in FL. Her son .. can remember bible scripture and it's applicability to situations .. he can remember any number of hunting dates/markers .. but his mom's bday.... that would've been so far off his periphery.
I don't come from a place in all this that I approach it, "yea see how ya like them apples! Nobody even told ya HBD on this end .. .so there ..!!!".
I hold MIL in less contempt .. in all actuality .. than I do her son and daughter, considering her perhaps to compromised to be of any sound judgement on her own behalf .. her son and daughter, another matter entirely.
So .. in that vein .. yes .. I bought a bday card at the store, stuck it in DH's face to sign and mail to his mom. I don't have any compunction at all that she should be ignored, .. let me sit over here and watch all this unfold .. see how they like them apples .. that's not what I'm about.
Nor was it, .. in me .. a place of "Gee, I sure don't want DH to look bad, let me ride herd on him to get this card completed and in the mail, in time .. and oh boy oh boy . let me ride herd on him today . call your mom .. call your mom .. don't forget to call your mom .. don't want you to look bad".
Nope, not my motivation. My motivation purely one of .. she deserves that the day be noted .. and not necessarily by me .. but someone/anyone .. some damn body step up .. and note it. She doesn't deserve to have it ignored .. not from FL (I know she's with her daughter and her daughter won't ignore it).
I'd probably regret my choices if I thought of her out there at her house, all alone .. and no one even called or offered a lunch out .. or otherwise . no card .. nothing.
That isn't the case. So I don't think there will be any regret. Pretty sure of it.
My plan would probably be, have my DH call, then pass the phone to me for a simple Happy Birthday - thinking of you, wishing you the best, once MIL is on. Short and simple, but true.
(NOT telling you what to do. just imagining myself in the situation. We're all different.)
My mother was rather like that. She suffered torments if she didn't get to the post on time, and I still have her immense collection of spare cards, for every conceivable eventuality, to draw on for the rest of my life.
She sent Happy Anniversary cards to my ex-husband and his wife. Sincere ones, that is - it wasn't some snide sarcasm. She never forgot anyone's birthday, no matter how much they might have deserved to get no cards at all.
The thing that riled me was not that my quasi-sister-in-law got birthday cards from my mother - their fondness was mutual, and they also had a love of cats in common.
It was that she spent thought and money on others who never once returned the compliment. And even more that, while mother cared about doing this very much, I had no confidence at all that they even bothered to read her greetings with more than a few seconds' attention.
So before you worry about people sitting at their breakfast tables and sadly wondering 'wot no card from EmilySue?' just be sure they're honestly going to notice. They do have to deserve your thoughtfulness, you know.
But let's cover some ground here. There have been years .. in the past .. that I have moved heaven and earth .. to make sure that she has a mark of birthday celebration. Me, on that front .. the one corralling it all. Not her son .. not in the least. Me.
I'd round everybody up "dinner at MIL's on "x" night, for her bday" .. be there! And I'd haul the stuff out there, haul out there a bday cake .. and make the festive note of the date. In years prior to that .. I'd be the one prompting DH .. "your mom's bday .. we need to get with her, maybe she'd like us to come get her, take her to that seafood place she likes so much, or that burger place .. we need to get that on the calendar", and I'd be the one making the phone call to MIL and setting things in motion.
This, inclusive of Mother's Days .. Birthdays .. in fact, for a long long time, the date of her's and her husband's wedding anniversary . her alone now .. on the date of her husband's demise .. many many times .. it was me leading the charge to get whatever the significant date is .. marked/noted.
She knows her son well, she seemed to have a keen awareness .. for a long time that her son wouldn't of taken much initiative to get anything put together .. she seemed to somehow hone in on the fact it was me .. that put it altogether, and she was right . though I'd always make light of it, dismiss it and move on.
The new normal going forward .. and it will be a whole new normal . if her son wants to note any significance of any given date on the calendar (not gonna happen) .. be that her dearly departed husband's bday (used to mark that one), be that their wedding anniversary .. be that the date of his demise, .. bdays . you name it. Want me along . .. ???...let me know ..
But the days of my leading the charge on this front .. are over.
That's what happens in the end. You kick a gift horse in the mouth often enough, the gift horse will turn away.
Now, if I happen to breeze by as DH is on the phone with his mom .. and on this specific date (normally I might breeze on by and not stop) .. then yes, I would ask for the phone momentarily and send my well wishes to mark the date, .. I'm not without a heart.
But .. I wouldn't any longer, lead any charge to mark any significant date on the calendar.
She said "Oh, how nice, you called me for my birthday".
He said "No, I didn't. Is it your birthday?"
She's the kind of person who sends EVERYONE birthday cards. In fact, this year, my current husband? The only mailed card he got was from my ex-MIL.
Dorker, my advice to you? Let it go. This is all eating you up inside. It can't be good for your mental or physical health. You are ruminating and justifying your actions to yourself and everyone else, even though we aren't asking for any justification.
When DH says "Dorker, you're going to get old someday" your reply needs to be something like "I've got my plans to downsize and get my own arrangements in place; have you?" The fact that YOU are going to get old doesn't mean that you need to kowtow to MIL's needs. In fact, it was watching the poor planning of my grandparents' that led my parents to make superb plans for their own old age.
Yes, MIL is a person with opinions and feelings about her living situation. What she doesn't have is a realistic take on what her actual choices or options are, given her straightened financial situation. And I get that this is NOT your lookout.
Just try to be a bit more, I don't know, disengaged from it all? It's painful to watch you pace and wring your hands, metaphorically.
When DH says "Dorker, you're going to get old someday",
Dorker should say: "So are you DH. I don't see you scrambling to help your mother so someone could help you in your old age. I only see you pushing me to sacrifice my life so you can keep on churching and hunting in your free time."
I like your more logical response, but I think DH deserves something more biting.
I don't think there is much you can say to a committed second generation narcissist that will get them to change their behavior.
Just not gunna argue.
Gunna get real good at rote statements "gee that sounds tough", "hate that for ya", "wow that'll be a tough one to work out"....
We all get to choose how much and in what form, we engage. Even me.
Oh and btw ... I did go ahead and ask DH "your mom's bday today, you called her?"
Look of stunned surprise (I'm not shocked). Phone comes off the hip and immediately a call to MIL.
I did take the phone once she was on the line and very short and to the point "happy birthday, hope you've had a nice birthday today".
Handed the phone back to DH ... her then explaining it's been a good day. That SIL and her husband and M .. all drove out to the casino ... had lunch there, bday cake, played the quarter slots ... her and what sounds like every other person on a walker within a 100 mile radius.
SIL throwing in there, what good exercise it had been ... MIL ambling about to find just the right slot machines.
DH chiming back "there ya go, who needs PT, just haul her to the casino every day".
I had walked away and so wasn't much a part of any further conversation.
She went on to tell DH they were on their way home at this point ..and it's freezing cold there. To which SIL interjected ... maybe an attempt on her part to not buy into and coddle this whole "I hate the weather here.. that MIL plays like a broken record"...you heard SIL chime in, "it's 50 degrees here, we're in the car with the heat on!".
Sounds like MIL had an enjoyable bday and she even came out ahead in her playing the quarter slots, which pleased her.
Sounds to me, I didn't ask, things must have found some better footing on their end.
Forever, there was sickness, mania, too weak... no going anywhere at all. That obviously has improved. Maybe some of the above settled for the moment ... and who knows, maybe there's been a meeting of the minds on the whole "we know you hate it here, we heard you the first 500 x's you said it, we know ... now let's do what we can to forge ahead and make the best of it"
I didn't ask so maybe just an assumption on my part. And I didn't stick around to hear whether the same complaints are being brought up non stop.
It's going to be a rough ride for SIL, as those end years usually are, but this is how she apparently is choosing to handle it. So be it. You sure as heck put in your time... SIL's turn! Fair is fair, and she more or less asked for this by default. Hopefully she will stay strong enough to handle it.
Hey - be careful with ANY ideas of bringing MIL back to Florida if possible, even if it's to a facility in FL. Even when people are placed in one, there are still a slew of demands that come up. Maybe plant that bug in DH's ear, as those would fall on him!