I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
SIL handled her end fine. She made a direct request while inquiring what worked the best for Dorker. Dorker thought through her answer, and it was logical. She was free if need be, and it was very likely DH was available as well. Win win.
As Dorker said, she is trying to lay boundaries, not be a totally B to the family. This was a really well thought out act of good faith. I Have no problem setting boundaries - and probably set them more than I should, lol - and this doesn’t seem like a stretch to me. It was kind.
But, dang, the DH/missionary thing just rocked my world. That is just crap. Sorry.
We do that type of thing at our church too. They are usually there for weeks, and people take turns. There is not a chance in Hades that DH wouldn’t be able to switch with someone else. Even someone from a different church would work. People love to hear what missionaries are up to. There is NO WAY the church people AND the missionaries would not COMPLETELY understand that HIS disabled mother is coming into town with an exhausted SIL and that this is a super stressful time and that HE needs to be there to help with his own damn hands and feet.
And for him to act like SIL is being stupid for bringing her back or that SHE SHOULD HAVE MOVED TO FL in anticipation of this year’s ago is crap. If HE had interacted with SIL in IL and coached and prodded and researched and yes, empathized just a bit, and set something up during this time MIL is away, I have little doubt SIL would be on board by this time. She is wiped. All he would have to do is help her drop the guilt that is engulfing her. He could do that. He could be listening to Dorker’s knowledge to find the best language and approach. Even if it was a snowball’s chance, he could have tried. The fact that he hasn’t is crap.
Acting like this is an immovable commitment is a load of childish crap.
Crap, crap, crap. (Can I say crap on this board?) I am just steaming right now.
Given the choice between lunch with missionaries and picking up MIL from the airport, anyone would choose the lunch... probably even the atheists reading this would prefer that to MIL and the drama. But, he gave up the right to that choice when he decided to not force the assisted living issue. Grow the hell up. This is what is called adulting, my friend.
And, if by some wild, bizarro-world chance that a replacement/switch can’t be found, then Dorker gets to have a lovely lunch with the missionaries. If DH is manning up to pick up his mom, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to handle the lunch IF you want to... or you just cancel. The missionaries won’t die if DH isn’t there to have lunch with them.
My head is just ready to explode.
I know that you had some idea that 2/3 was a possible date for this... I am sorry, but I can’t help but wonder if DH didn’t know that was on the radar and went ahead with missionary plan anyway.
Sorry, dude, if you aren’t putting your mom in an appropriate facility, then THIS is exactly the crap you need to be ready for and willing to take responsibility for. Seriously.
And I know it has been said ad nauseum, but I would not even be bringing her home from the airport. It would be straight into a nice place already set up. DH could be doing all of that now. Tell her. Even without incapacitation, by now with her additional issues, he just says... Mom, not safe. If you choose to stay at home, NO ONE will be helping.
(I had to do this recently. It sucks, but said calmly and then outlining what that looks like helps. And there is no way MIL will get back to FL alone. Open the house, alone. Get groceries, alone. Just not possible. These two are missing a hand-crafted opportunity here. They actually have leverage and are too self-absorbed to see it.)
DH continues... Mom, You are expecting too much. If you can’t see that, there is more of an issue. DH acts all tough and hard azz. If he lays his fo
(cont)
lays his foot down, she doesn’t have a lot of choice at this point, especially if he works WITH SIL. Even without an activated POA, they have so much more power than they think.
SIL needs to STOP propping and DH needs to START pulling on his big boy pants. I realize this is your husband and sounds harsh and that I probably have no right saying this... just some stranger on the Internet, lol. I know this is SO hard, but Pete’s sake, these people have options.
I just want to smack them for you.
In the interest of productive feedback instead of a full on rant, i would in no uncertain terms, make it clear that you are happy to GO WITH HIM to get MIL and SIL, but there is no way you are going without him. And you make VERY CLEAR to SIL why this is happening. He can be selfish. That is his choice. But that choice comes with consequences. He doesn’t get to go church, have you get MiL and he comes up smelling like roses. No way. He needs to own his actions and their consequences. This is so not on you.
Apparently, the rant was not over. I’m done now. I need a drink, lol.
“Maybe DH should haul the missionaries to the airport to pick up MIL and SIL and they can all have a jolly time seeing how amazing DH is. So attentive to his mother!”
"SIL needs to STOP propping and DH needs to START pulling on his big boy pants. I realize this is your husband and sounds harsh and that I probably have no right saying this... just some stranger on the Internet, lol. I know this is SO hard, but Pete’s sake, these people have options.
I just want to smack them for you."
Pieces of work, the whole crew.
I agree with the other posters.
Lunch with Missionaries? No excuse. Wonder what the Pastor would think about DH ditching his Mom for a lunch date?uggghhh
Buckle up thinks are fixing to get bumpy.
I am fixing myself a drink also.
(as in Bang Zoom to the moon, Alice???)
lol
I know we all sound kind of angry and judgy right now--cause we care about YOU and feel like YOU have been handed the golden "patsy" award, once again.
THIS IS NOT YOUR CIRCUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go to the airport and it will be interpreted by all involved that you're BACK..and the boundaries you have worked so hard to achieve will melt. THIS IS DH'S problem and you should dump it squarely in his lap.
Go talk to your pastor for a fresh set of eyes...betcha he will "relieve" DH of the responsibility of feeding the missionaries. And encourage him to do the right thing, which is to HELP SIL in any way she needs. NOT YOU.
It is NOT adversarial to use an UBER. In fact, I love them. The driver lifts my suitcases for me, I get to meet somebody new and if I don't feel like carrying on a conversation, I don't. DH travels almost every week, and fight it like he did, he finally caught on that Ubers are the best. I will occasionally run him to or from the airport, but 30+ years of weekly airport runs wore me out!! I quit a few years ago and he has managed really well.
You go pick up SIL and MIL and poochy and you are going to have your ears chewed off with all the grousing they're going to be doing. MIL's "return" will make your hackles rise and you will regret picking them up. Trust us--all of us who are saying DON'T DO THIS!
And no way in h3ll is SIL going to let you just leave her and MIL at the house alone--there's just no way. You'll cave in and run a couple of errands and although you'll be fuming, you'll do it. Then it WOULD become adversarial.
In the end, however...it is your call. I just hope you really think this through. Something as seemingly small as doing an airport run can be interpreted very easily as saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong, Let me back into the madness that is your life, dearest MIL" and all the advice and care you've gotten from so many of us will wisp away---and you will, once again be "disheartened and angry".
I still think SIL is making a really stupid decision to bring her mom back, but that's on her and DH. If they can't handle 24/7 care indefinitely, then they will need to get together on the same page and change it. If SIL won't insist on something different, well, she's in for a long haul, then.
Actually, it’s:
“Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!”
Said by the fabulous Bette Davis - as Margo, in the film All About Eve. It’s a really great movie - and has Marilynn Monroe in a small part in one of her earliest roles. Although, in black and white it is a film that stands the test of time.
This movie review brought to you by Rainmom.
I shall return soon to review the lastest episode of As the Stomach Turns.
Sheez - miss a few days and all hell breaks loose!
I will at this time, give a quick second to Blackholes post. Beware elderly parents who say “we’re fine” and actively work to keep you out of their house and out of their business. Guaranteed, they’re hiding something. I too, learned this nasty little lesson the hard way.
Nothing more for me to say that hasn’t already been said...
499HopeFloats- where have you been all my life? You’re one sharp cookie. And, your post was priceless!
I will say that Dorker, I think you’re minimizing what this run to the airport - and dhs actions - are really all about.
And in the end end nothing has changed. Dh is still churching - it’s irrelevant whether it’s missionaries or cutting the church grass. He’s doing exactly what he wants to do. I imagine he’s tickled chitless with himself right about now... look how easy it was for him to get Dorker right back into picking up his slack.
Cause the thing is, Dorker - IF sil and dh had been listening to you, had sil and dh believed you, had sil and dh respected what you’ve said about being “out”...
Sil would not have emailed YOU about a ride from the airport- she would have called her brother.
And -
dh would have said “oh crap! I was suspose to do that lunch that day. Guess I’ll have to find someone to cover for me WITH THE MISSIONARIES” or reschedule
it altogether”.
Like I said - seems nothing’s really changed.
Dorker, you think it would be adversarial if you didn't pick up the traveling Narcissa Circus from the airport. It could also seem adversarial if you don't continue with the steppin' and fetchin' after you get them to MIL's house on that day. And you say now that you have no intention of doing anything other than dropping them off and driving away.
H hasn't seen his mother for, what, 5 months now? Didn't the circus go to Illinois in late August? And he thinks MISSIONARIES are more important than seeing his MOTHER?
If he doesn't want to see his mother, that's his choice. But your seeing the circus before he does because you agreed to do the fetchin' is putting YOU on the front line again. And that is what you don't want.
I asked of DH, "and you responded?".
No. He was working at that present moment .. and didn't see fit to ever send any response at all.
So typical.
His thoughts on it, that he then spoke on the topic: "such a dumbazz ... hurricane season starts June 1 .. the threat is all but over by the end of October . .. if she'd of come and gotten mom beginning of June and then had her back home end of October .. that avoids hurricane season .. and avoids their harsh winters .. dumbazz .. my sister is .. but she had to stay there to DOGSIT! .. and couldn't come get mom".
Wish he'd share that sentiment with his sister and not me. Wish in one hand, .. as they say .. and chit in the other, see which one fills the fastest.
She then went on to urge him to call his mom .. "Mom hasn't heard from you in a couple of weeks, .. maybe try to give her a call".
That too . hasn't been done since then. So be it. At least it's not me urging/prompting same.
On the issue of the airport run .. I did mention to him this morning . the first time I've really had his ear .. he's been gone . long long hours every day . and I've barely seen him.
Me: "I think you need to give it some thought .. w/regard to taking the missionary fellow out to lunch vs going to get your mom . .not because I'm opposed to going to get her, but you haven't seen your mom in months .. and that should be your first priority .. not the missionary folks in the church .. I'm quite sure someone will trade with you and you can take up that charge on another Sunday .. with one of the other missionary folks that will be visiting the month of February . doesn't have to be that specific Sunday".
DH: "I didn't know that sister planned on that specific Sunday to come here ... and so I had already committed to that task .. but I'll see what I can do .. I'll check around".
I left it at that.
For me .. I guess .. in my way of thinking .. if you had any idea of all the knock down drag out fights that have occurred over this issue with the mom's care and it being heaped on me, continuously while he sister skates away .. and he does what he damn well pleases and his mother withers on the vine .. absent my care and attention .. and the fights .. the all out fights that have occurred ..
This one ... going to the airport to get them .. not one worth having a fight about, it just isn't. Not to me.
I agree he isn't prioritizing as he should . when has he ever in all this saga .. when have any of them?
Fighting with them . sure hasn't solved it .. on my part.
I said my piece on it .. if he chooses to re-arrange things so he can be a part of an airport run, fine. If he chooses not to do .. I'll be okay with it.
I guess .. had I thought this an issue to fall on a sword over, .. I'd of directed it in his path .. from the getgo .. and stood firm in it. I didn't consider it . and still don't ... that big an issue. A run to the airport .. it's planned .. which is a biggie to me.. what I don't do . .and won't do . is all the upending of my world .. with all the catastrophes and calamities that occur in one's life when they are no longer able to care for themselves and that necessitates someone then step up and do so for them .. and that someone was me .. for too long.
This, an airport run . is "planned" .. and so .. it works for me .. and I was agreeable to do so. I didn't feel it that big an issue. I agree he should be more motivated himself to be a part of it, not having seen his mom for months .. but I can't change that either, if he doesn't feel it a priority within himself. But I'm also not gonna fight about it, it's just not that big a deal to me.
And . as for anyone of them .. who might infer .. "oh gee, look
And as for anyone of them who might infer "oh gee, look how easy that was .. Dorker jumps up an down and makes all her noise that she wants no part of any of this .. and then . she's right back in it .. oh yipee".
Infer all you want .. I can't change what people think .. if that's their thoughts on it . have at it.
They'll find out differently when the answer is no .. that mother has "x" calamity and needs "x, y and z, .. can you go Dorker and go take care of __________", and the answer is "no".
They will find out that for me, .. a run to the airport does not equate to .. .I am stepping back into managing what to me, is a not manageable situation . and I won't do it.
To me, it just seems overly punitive to die on the hill over this as any battle.
I don't wish to be a part of any scenario that paints a picture of me being absolutely obstinate and refusing to help in any way whatsoever. I can help in ways that are small, and .. important here .. OF MY CHOOSING .. and they don't have to like it .. but so be it.
So the next time there is inference that Dorker is back in it .. and they call upon me .. because mother needs _____________ and find out . that I meant what I said .. that'll be on them to sort through .. not me.
We'll see what DH chooses to do .. my money is on the church obligation .. so be it. I'll go get them .. if that's the way the dial spins .. not gonna create animosity and consternation over an issue that to me, isn't big enough to do so.
There have been so many .. so so many issues .. thru the years that I have dug in my heels and screamed and cried and begged and pleaded and fought with them over .. with all of it .. one of those being her sole c'giver ..
Going to the airport .. to pick them up .. not a c'giving role .. and so I'm *okay* with it . if that's the way it goes. I'll do it.
I'd make sure that I have a pressing appointment that I need to get to that prevents you from stocking the house that afternoon.
Just tell them that you're not going back to the staus quo ante (which means the way things were before).
As far as going to the airport so as to not appear adversarial, the next time you refuse to do something, THAT will appear as adversarial. So what even bother with the airport fetch? That seems like something H could easily do with a little rearrangement of his schedule.
Stepping in to do the airport run, to them, is like reopening the cookie jar. "Oh, goody, Dorker's back where she belongs"...and DH won't stick up for you and SIL will just go along in her usual manner of bossing you around. It won't MATTER what you have been screaming from the mountaintops for the last 6+ months...you put one toe in this hot stew and you're now a part of it.
Saying NO at the start, and keep on saying NO. Esp as SIL is trying to establish some kind of care team. It NEEDS to be an epic fail....for her to see that she can't leave MIL alone. You show willingness to climb this hill--she'll see that as total acquiescence to her will. I'm sorry, but this is bigger than you are.
SIL and DH do not communicate with each other or anyone else, for that matter. They want what they want and they move heaven and earth to get it.
Of course this decision is yours. I think we on the forum who feel attached to you, just wish you'd hand this to DH and say "deal with it and get used to it, this is the new norm." And STEP AWAY. If SIL catches even the slightest whisper of the hope you'll be there to help, she'll be on you like a rat on a donut.
Not going to pick them up is NOT adversarial. Letting them take an Uber or a taxi like LOTS OF PEOPLE DO is fine. It's more than fine.
It's also a non-verbal way of saying "I'm not in this anymore." You've BEEN saying that, and now at the very first chance, you prove yourself wrong.
Just my opinion. I truly don't think you can SAY you're out and then even do this simple thing w/o them thinking you were just whistling in the wind. They ARE just that obtuse.
Just for interest's sake: Let's ask the forum. Vote on this. YES for go to the airport and NO for having them get alternate transport. No comments, just Yes or No.
I'm a big NO.
(But, Dorker, you know we're all here for you, whatever you decide.)
Still, NO.
Did SIL indicate how long she plans to stay?
This might be the time where the rubber really meets the road. I hope so.
I vote YES.
If SIL or DH misconstrues an airport pickup for anything other than a kind act by a DIL, I have no doubt Dorker will set them straight. I'd even stock their frig with a few groceries.
After this drama is over, there likely will be many years ahead for Dorker to look back and reflect on her actions. Good for her for continuing to be a caring DIL while now setting firm boundaries.
I agree. How dumb was that? She should have stopped at home altogether and pointed out that MIL's other child could just as well have escorted her to IL, instead.
F*** me. He can start criticising when he's rolled his sleeves up and actually shovelled some of this s***.
Furious. Forgive the language.
Dorker, fetch your relatives from the airport if you're genuinely free and you genuinely don't mind. It would be very nice of you. Otherwise: that's why God invented taxis.
Two questions - out of curiosity, mainly:
What if, Dorker- heaven forbid, something went wrong with your fathers recovery and you were pressed into service on that front - say, it required you to be there for the next ten days... What would dh do then? Press one of your daughters into picking up the traveling circus? Change his lunch “commitment” and do it himself? A third potential option - which might be what?
I know it’s ultimately impossible to know how someone might behave - but you know the man - been together 40 years - what’s your best guess?
Second - Dorker, does it say anything to you - that almost without exception - those of us who have been here from the beginning of this odyssey- think that you’re going to do the airport pickup is a mistake?
In closing - as I set down my stick, I’ll repeat a very wise sentence made by 499HopeFloats - said to dh but as well could be said to sil:
”if you aren’t putting your mom in an appropriate facility, then THIS is exactly the crap you need to be ready for and willing to take responsibility for.”
Using another of 499’s brilliant post - but applying it to you, Dorker- you are missing a “handcrafted opportunity”. In my humble but honest opinion.
Setting down the stick.
I'd love to see you in the passenger seat and DH in the driver position. How about talking to the pastor again, even though DH plans to, to really put the pressure on the pastor to find someone else to host the missionaries?
"Brunching with bible translators"
"Chatting with church planters"
"Seeing a matinee with music ministers"
There are probably other possibilities. . .
Peace be with you!
You would Think that MIL would eventually see how all of this caring for her and seeing to her needs first, are making her LO's misearable and burning them out, but as the majority of folks here on this site well know, our Senior LO's just do not think that way.
You need to do what feels right for you, fulfill Your desires to have a pleasant relationship with her, and let the Caregiving rest solely on her 2 children. You have set your own boundries, and now know exactly what to do.
I'd pick them up. Heck, I'd even have Poochie's food at the house and some groceries in the refrigerator. Then when I got them to the house I'd tell them to sit down and listen to me. I'd hand SIL a list of phone numbers for Uber, grocery delivery, etc. I'd look her and MIL in the eye and say "This is the LAST of my help. Do not call me to do anything else. Period. I'm out. Don't try to manipulate DH to wrangle me into doing anything else. I'm done!"
Then get up and leave. And the most important part of all. Do NOT do a damned thing pertaining to MIL's care after that. None of the "couldn't you just pick up" or "can't you just this once..."
NOTHING!
You need to prepare yourself for the battle with DH. It is coming and you are simply going to have to do it. You CANNOT cave in to the "For Crissakes can't you just this once...."