I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
IF SIL and MIL could hear and appropriately respond to statements like "This is all I am doing and no more" then we wouldn't even be discussing this.
Root cause of ALL THIS?
Unbridled, uncontrollable selfishness.
They DON'T see Dorker and they don't care. She's simply a means to an end.
He's the one that ran it past the pastor interestingly enough .. who assured him they'd work it out . that he needs to make sure his presence is with his mom ..
He is guilty of a lot of faults in all of this .. too many. But . .. on the point about his having referred to his sister as a dumbazz for her assertion that she's now stuck in that area in harsh winter . .and she could've had her outta here sooner, but chose to dog sit.
We both DID offer .. countless times, if it would work for SIL .. that we'd cart MIL up there. But nope .. SIL thought it a setting that was going to be "so traumatic and stressful" for her mother, that it's best she be the one to get here and help to get it all on the road.
So . on the point that he could've shifted the thing northward .. without calling his sister a dumbazz for dragging her feet .. he tried, I tried .. we both did .. she refused that as any option. Remember at that time she was to be entertaining her royal son and his entourage .. beyond that .. recooping from said royal visit .. and beyond that her own colonoscopy that she somehow thought not suitable that her mother be present and she have to exit for a day's worth of her own medical whatever .. and beyond that dog sitting for her daughter for two weeks.
So on that point .. w/regard to DH's words referring to his sister .. and this whole notion that it's all so bad . being there in this harsh winter.
She's got nobody to thank but herself for having dragged her feet to come get her mom .. we tried .. repeatedly.
She is a dumbazz on that point.
What would DH do if I were pressed into service as to my own dad and his maladies at present, would he then press on one of our daughters? He'd be pizzing up a rope to do so ... two of the work f/t and aren't inclined to take off work and take on this task .. the other is a f/t mom . and can't just haul little ones around and ignore nap schedules and such. So .. he'd be pizzing up a rope to try that.
But as to this latest snafu .. as I said before, .. it's disturbing to me that it would even have to brought to his attention that his mother should be his priority . not a church missionary. That does disturb me .. and I said so this morning . the first time I actually got his ear.
He subsequently did go and get it resolved. But .. it's a damn shame one has to bring that to his attention at all.
I would've gone anyway on my own .. if he hadn't. Only because I am sure in and of myself of my ability to act in kind gesture . of my choosing .. and limit my exposure to boundary jumping.
In fact, . just tonight .. they were on speaker phone here, when DH called there. He was talking to MIL and SIL . I chimed in with a "hello".
This then was met with SIL .. who then stated as follows; "Oh I wanted to ask of you guys . we're to be in on Sunday .. but the vet's office has some dog foods on special order, ready for pick up .. we won't have anything to feed the dog .. and so .. if one of you have the time to run by there .. and get that and take it to mother's house for us .. so there will be something there to feed the dog .. if not .. we'll get it on Monday .. it's not a problem"
At that moment . the convo was really more directed at me, .. as I'd chimed in on the convo .. DH didn't acknowledge what was said .. he was distracted by something on tv, and I don't think he even heard that request.
I answered as follows: "Not gonna be doing that . why don't you throw a few things in your suitcase to feed him til you can get to the vet to pick it up . won't have time for that .. so how's that brutal weather up there".
There ya go . the chore miester .. trying her best .. and it got deflected. Not doing it. Not a doubt in my mind. I didn't even defer to DH .. I just answered I won't be doing it.
And no I'm not going to the grocery to stock of a few things and/or arriving with a covered casserole to take care of that night's dinner either.
To me .. that's all part of making a decision to continue to be the c'giver to someone who cannot care for themselves. So no .. I won't be stepping into that role to prop it up.
E-v-e-r-y TIME you talk to these people, .. E-V-E-R-Y TIME ...............!!!!!!! ... it gets played like a broken record to the point you want to blow your stack ..
How bad it's all been
I haven't been anywhere
I stay in my PJ's .. I don't go anywhere
I don't think I've been warm since I got here
It's all so bad
Some of the above is an old person being an old person .. playing the same broken record over and over and over.
BUT .................
Underlying all of it . .is the very real root of it all .. this is all "OUR" fault .. had we not had this stupid insistence that she out of FL .. during hurricane season . she wouldn't of been put through this horrible, God-awful hardship she has endured there. That is what is at the crux of all this constant incessant whining on the above topics that get played over and over, . each and EVERYTIME you talk to her.
As this is being played . .as it always is .. yet again . her on speaker phone . DH and I both looking at one another in utter disgust .. and no patience for it.
After we hung up the phone .. DH voicing/venting his own frustration at it all .. that it's all he can do to shut his mouth and not blow at his mom ..
I agree.
I diverted it some .. while on the phone with her, . she'd told me of her sister's tale of woe (the one who had a heart attack a few months back) .. and their situation . the sister's husband dx'd with Dimentia . and his host of huge health challenges . both of them in their 90's still living alone... her talking of that whole scene.
I diverted MIL's complaints by saying to her, "Well aren't you glad you aren't in the boat your sister is rowing . could be a lot worse". That seemed to change the course of her laments she constantly plays like a broken record.
But it will be played over and over and over again .. likely when they get back here .. we'll hear the same laments .. and whining of how bad it all was ..
You just want to scream at her, "You senile ole bat .. you didn't go any damn where when you were here in FL .. and lived every friggin day with PJ's . and never getting dressed .. and you're cold all the damn time anyway . .even here, when it's 100 degrees outside .. just shut the h377 up .. for crying out loud!".
Sick of it .. sick of hearing it, over and over again. Sick of it .. especially when you know that at the root of it all, is her belief that had we not driven this ship .. driving her outta here . she wouldn't of been put thru this God-awful hardship she has endured.
You want to say to her . gee let me see . you're in a climate controlled house with a daughter seeing to your's and your dog's every possible need .. and you're gonna complain .. whatever . you're being beyond ridiculous and a PITA".
SIL chimes in also .. she didn't tonight . her mom had the floor thank you very much .. and was espousing her poor lot in life .. but SIL has chimed in before .. how hard this has all been .. and my response to her .. "you have options .. none you want to utilize .. but that's the lot you've chosen" .. and that seems to change the course of her lamenting . to me anyway ..
But MIL .. geeze oh man .. DH and myself both think we will blow our stacks sky high if we have to keep hearing the same broken record of stupid whining laments .. it's beyond ridiculous.
You just want to say to her, .. "oh you poor baby . because no one will up end their lives to the degree they will come and live with you in the comfort of your own home and wait on you hand and foot precisely where you wanna be . who died and made you royalty and equal to that kinda treatment?".
It's all either of us can do to just bite our lips and not bite back at her .. and harshly.
My mother did that with particular points she wanted to make. I don’t think they realize just how obvious they are being, nor how many times they are repeating. Subtle as a jack-hammer, right? And beyond maddening. At times I would finish the sentence for my mom - or say something smartazz like “yeah, I got that the first twenty times you said this”. Never put a dent in her - she’s only let it go when she had something new to dwell on and a
new point to be made.
So - yea! Progress with dh. But yes - too bad he had to have the pastors golden stamp of approval for it to occur. But - it’s still a win.
Well done!
Its neither here nor there - and I’m certainly no standard of right behavior- but had it been me in your shoes - wanting to be kind and non adversarial - instead of airport shuttle...
Perhaps gone to MILs house and opened the doors and windows for some fresh air - and while airing out the stale house - whipped up an easy casserole and popped it in the fridge with a little “Welcome Back” post-it on top.
Clearly, there are lots of little gestures that can be helpful - without become THE help.
I know there are two schools of thought on all this .. many feel fervently one way or the other. I am of the ilk, do it routinely .. I will leave my house, with something simmering on the stove, baking in the oven, .. clothes tossing about in the dryer . not a thought otherwise for me.
Others .. they would never DARE to have anything of the sort ongoing and them not present .. "what if the house catches fire?, what if something happens and you don't get back, .. to take that out of the oven .. and it catches on fire .. I'd NEVER do that .. no no!".
SIL would be of the latter ilk. Me, the former.
Were I to be of the inclination to go over w/ingredients in tow .. and throw together a casserole and pop it in the oven, .. and then dash on out to the airport . leaving the oven baking whatever it is I've thrown together.
When we arrive back .. and the smell wafting thru the air of a casserole in progress .. SIL would have a nervous break down .. at the very thought the home hash been left unattended with something in the oven .. the very thought of it would send her into oblivion with worry .. "What if the house had caught on fire??!!!?".
She struggles to cook period .. (not something she enjoys doing anyway) .. but the whole thing .. even just to heat up the oven .. and walk away from it . causes in her, .. a real trepidation.
I'm not inclined to do so, but were I ..... I don't wanna deal with her and her insecurities and unfounded fears.
They can call for pizza delivery .. or whatever it is they wanna do.
The thing is .. with the whole lamenting this departure she had to take and what a hardship it has all been. As DH put it, .. "they're gonna keep it up til I tell them it was a GODSEND she was there and in sister's care, .. hell she was hospitalized 2x's with TIA's .. and then got Shingles .. and had to be catheterized .. if she'd of been home by herself, .. LIKE SHE SO WANTS TO BE ................ who the H377 would've helped her ?!?! ..... they're gonna keep on .. harping on that til I blow my stack and say that to her".
It wouldn't help. Her answer to that would be: "Well .. I would've managed".
As I said to him: "for me personally, I have to limit my exposure to both of them .. it's just too frustrating .. your sister with her gripes .. that this is all so hard . that she and B haven't had any time at all to be away from her, . that it's always something .. one malady after the next to manage .. that it's all just overwhelming .. yep I know it is .. she's preaching to the choir .. thus the reasons I've said all along she needs around the clock care by professionals .. but your sister chooses not to take that path .. and so I don't really wanna hear her gripes on it all .. .this is the path she chooses .. so go live it . and do it with a smile on your face, you have options .. utilize them .. or just shut up .. I don't wanna hear it ... and your mom . with her nonsense that goes on non stop . this is all so bad .. it's been so so bad .. all of it ... it just goes on and on .. and I just wanna say to her .. just shut up . you have a daughter that loves you and is doing everything but breathe for you .. so you don't have someone living in your home .. to do for you, so you can stay in your home .. get over your damn self ... I just have to limit my exposure to it all . it's all insanity to me .. "
SIL has complained that she never gets a break, how hard it has been. What is magically going to change by transporting MIL to FL? Same MIL and same issues. SIL will still be going 24/7. What does she think will change?
I know no one has these answers - these are just the questions I have out there in this whole rat race. Would SIL in her exhaustion tell DH/Dorker -"I've had her full time for six months - your turn" and leave?
Dorker - you know the fights are coming. SIL and MIL will be "hurt" that you are out of it "don't you love MIL?"; DH will be busy churching/ hunting/ working /orphaned-boys-ing/ missionary lunching....."Dorker, I have XXX, for Chrisakes its only YYY - you need to...." and the whole stomach churning saga begins again.
This string is better than any soap opera or cable drama, honestly. It reminds me so much of my dad - until the medical event forced him into the nursing home.
In the one corner over here ... MO ... she needs round the clock care and I've harped on that til I cant/won't say it anymore.
In the other corner.. staunch opposition to looking down that path as any approach.
And in between has been a lot of not hearing my pleas all while deploying my services to said setting.
Until I finally drew the line and said no more. You don't want that path ... do it yourself.
And all the lamenting that goes on. It is hard... it is all consuming ... it is overwhelming. No argument from me.
But this far it's the path you choose ....
Go live it.
She DOES NOT GET THAT YOU ARE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She can order groceries online that can be either delivered or picked up very quickly. She can arrange to have the house "aired out" by the housekeeper. She can do everything BEFOREHAND and not have to drag you into it AT ALL. I'm sure she is aware that she can do all this online, right? B/C this is how MIL is going to have to function from now on.
But because she truly believes you are as invested in MIL as she is, all she hears is what she wants to hear. SHE can't fathom someone not being 100% involved in MIL's life, so she assumes you are also, I doubt she's internalized a single word you've said to her regarding being "out" of the CG life.
Your SIL sounds loopier all the time. If possible!
I would not even go to the airport. My DH tries to drag me into ANY setting with his mother, for a buffer, and it ALWAYS ends up badly. I have simply now refused to even see or speak to her unless there is absolutely no way I can get around it. So far, I can get around it.
Dorker---you set one foot in that house and I guarantee SIL will be making you lists and shooting directives at you nonstop.
If you are not THERE, she can't do that. DH will HAVE to deal with it, and that will hopefully be a better and quicker path to getting MIL the care she has needed for so long.
I'm wondering if they can brave the cold--DH is in Chicago right now and he said it was going to be -20 degrees tomorrow. Just said he'd probably be sleeping in his down parka.
This Sunday, IF they actually make the plane and come back--will be the day that you show your backbone to them. I'd let DH do the airport run and I'd stay home and do...anything else. See MIL later in the week, if you want. Let DH be the bearer of the news that you can no longer "do" for MIL. If you are sitting there, they'll be confused. "She's not 'Out' she's sitting right there!" They won't ask DH to get anything for them, he's a guy and shown to be terribly unhelpful.
Good news that DH got his priorities straight. Let's see if things actually pan out. Sunday is like, forever away. Anything can happen.
My thought being - you did something kind but didn’t have to be physically in their orbit. Therefore - not available for hints, requests nor having to hear - AGAIN- how awful It’s all been.
I guess its an individual thing, but you doing the airport run on your own just seemed so “step and fetch” to me. More errand and more like past expectations than a nearly anonymous casserole and aired out house.
Ive been thinking about your predicament quite a bit - how it’s gonna work. Trying to be just a daughter-in-law, sister-in-law and keeping your dh off your case - while THEY work to figure out which is their backside and what’s a hole in the ground...
Maybe it’s the residual “People Pleaser” in me - but I think it’s gonna be a tough, fine line to be walking. Especially, for one who really does care about all involved and someone who has a genuinely big heart. You, Dorker.
It all has me thinking of survival strategies. How to be kind without being helpful- if you know what I mean. Taking a small bunch of
flowers from your garden when you go for a social visit but no dog food. Bringing a small box of store bought cupcakes - homemade implies effort - but never swinging by the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions... Being kind - without being helpful.
Just a unsolicited thought, on my part. Take it or leave it - but regardless, I’m pulling for you to continue keeping your boundaries strong.
As my wise, old father use to say “It’s a slippery slope...”
The really sad part of all this .. among many .. is that .. I do realize . just how all consuming and over whelming all this is for SIL. I do have a keen awareness of how bad it all is. While I have never housed their mom for months on end, . and don't intend to .. I do have a very real awareness of how all the need up-ends one's existence, completely aware of it.
I have not announced this and likely won't ... were I to have any assurance at all, that SIL's intent that she will see to, to the ends of the earth .. is to not depart from her mother's care .. at all .. and her mother is now her charge ...I would be willing to step in more, to help "some". Doc appts on occasion .. a lunch out with MIL .. in the process .. that kinda thing. To alleviate SIL's load "some".
But with these folks who don't talk to one another, ever .. and/or come up with anything even resembling a "plan" .. you give an inch, they take a mile.
I don't want any INFERENCE in it all, that my stepping forward an inch . then gives carte blanch that SIL leaves now .. and MIL is left to fend for herself, and directives flying in my lap as to it all, which was the case for too long.
THIS IS SIL'S CHOICE .. in conjunction with her mom's wishes .. that there isn't a path forward to a more comprehensive setting for her care .. it's her choice to do things this way .. and at least give lip service to the fact, she'll "do this as long as she can, til she can't anymore". Those are her words.
So do that. Live it, show it in your actions that is your intent . not returning to IL . and dog sitting while your mom languishes away and whatever supposed TEAM b/s you've put together falls by the wayside while you go dog sit ..
DO IT .......... live it .... demonstrate that is exactly what you're gonna do ...
Maybe then .. maybe she might see that I would step an inch into helping more.
I would even say that kinda thing .. to them .. if I thought anyone actually actively "listens" heeds .. cares what is said. They don't.
Thus I haven't said that to ANYONE other than this board .. and I won't be saying it, not even to DH.
It shouldn't be all solely on her .. that's a fact. She has a brother .. yes that brother is not yet retired .. so his ability to be hands on .. and do what she does .. is not there. But he "can" and he "SHOULD" .. go relieve her some .. but I'm not fighting that battle or encouraging those kinds of "talks" .. I did at one time, to no avail.
Nobody talks to one another, nobody makes any motion of coming up with any kind of thing that resembles a "plan" ever.
If I could wave my magic wand, .. there'd be a meeting of the minds and a clear understanding on each person's part . in all this. From having sat down to talk and actually "listen" and heed what is said by each.
I'd have her in a setting/facility somewhere. Short of any willingness to do that .. and their insistence that isn't gonna happen .. then they'd be listening .. and actually respecting what is said on each person's part .. and honoring that by enacting it.
1. DH .. guess what .. hunting/churching/missionaries/orphaned boys ..ALL OF THAT .. EVERY BIT OF IT ............... comes far behind what your sister needs as regards your mom's care ... every time .. get over it. You need to be available to your sister .. if that means she needs some respite and someone else sit with your mom so she isn't alone .. guess what, that's you .. not me .. not the supposed B'S team you guys claim exists .. it's YOU ............... and that means maybe SIL wants to get away for a long weekend . and have some respite
That might mean SIL wants to throw together a long weekend to get away from it all.. guess what, that's you .. that's where you come in . and being a part of a church and it's needs .. splendid .. but your mom and your sister come before it .. PERIOD .. get over yourself. That's the cost of not digging in YOUR HEELS on placement for your mom .. start liking it.
2. SIL ........... this is your choice, in conjunction with your mom . to walk this walk . and keep her out of placement anywhere. YOUR CHOICE ......... not mine .. yours. So live it/breathe it/be it .. you don't have to choose this path ... but since that's the one you want .. do it. Now .. get with your brother and you two put your heads together to something that will work for the both of you as to make this as workable as can be ... and do it .. don't just ignore it all .. and then beef about how overwhelming all this is .. and it's all on you . and you've lost any ability to go and do anything with B, having to constantly attend to your mom's needs .. DO IT . get with your brother . and you two come up with something that resembles a workable plan .. and make him understand what your needs are vs what his abilities are to help in that arena.
That's not up to me, my days of fighting with him .. as his wife .. over what isn't mine to own .. are long since passed. I won't do it. If he isn't meeting you at what you consider even half way in helping .. that's on you to figure out how to best get that done . she's your mom, this is your choice, and he's your brother, not mine.
3. As for me . what I want to see is that . since this is the path you guys seem to have taken . to keep her out of facility placement . something I strongly disagree with .. I'm fully aware what a task this is .. all too aware .. and so I will help, OF MY CHOOSING/when/where/how I see fit .. or I won't .. that's all there is to it .. I have no expectation whatsoever that either of you will be hands on as I was for 15 long years as to your mom .. and I don't expect for a nano second I will enjoy that luxury when it's my parents and I can all upon either of you to act in my stead . as I did for you both ... I am no longer willing to do so .. you skirting off back to IL .. as far as I'm concerned .. and without your mom . no longer an option IMO .. she is to be in your charge .. and you work it out with your brother how that's gonna look . and as to my helping .. if I see that is the case, and without fail . you might see me offer to cart her to a doc office appt and pick up and rx on the way back .. but outside of that . you won't see me tending to her daily needs, that and her aged/needy dog . it's not gonna happen.
But I have no magic wand to make any of this dialogue occur . never have. Nobody talks to anybody .. and it's all just catch as catch can with all the lamenting and whining that goes on ..
Thus I keep it all at arm's length . and limit my exposure.
It's all just too maddening.
Won't she say the same "woe is me" when she gets home?
That was her life...her daily existence.
When she would lament and whine about having to depart for IL .. upcoming at that point .. DH would point out to her that (encouraging her if you will) .. perhaps she can go to sister's and get stronger thru some PT that sister wants to line up and maybe even enjoy some things. It was an effort to divert from the incessant woe with me, at having to depart.
She would agree with him, .. "you're right .. I know this isn't good . my life is about what goes on out this kitchen window every day .. I don't go anywhere or do anything at all, and I know that isn't good".
SIGH
Only to circle back to the same gripes .. that she shouldn't have to leave .. she wants to stay in her home, ... her things .. yadda yadda and .. round and round it would go .. encouragement, .. trying to divert from the woe with me tales .. and then she'd recognize/acknowledge .. and then it would go round and round and round . .same laments .. and same counter balance .. and so forth.
So that is right .. she will be just as unhappy in her home as she was before . somehow though .. she thinks, at this point, that will be the end all be all .. and she can be happy if she can just get back home.
Won't be the case ..
I try to be understanding of the fact, it can't be fun for her, . to have gotten so old and frail she can't care for herself .. can't care for her dog .. can't do anything at all. I do try to be understanding of it ..
But I can't help but reflect back to a time when her father was aged (her mother had already passed on) . and her father was now no longer safe to live alone and so was being carted in 3 month stints .. between she and a sister .. and that was his lot ... in his waning years . .jockeying back and forth between MIL and her home and a sister to MIL and her home, in 3 month stints at the time.
You didn't hear him bitch and moan .. "this is all so bad .. I just wanna be home in my own house, .. this is all so bad".
I try to be understanding .. but I find that I think she needs to find some damn humility somewhere .. and grab a piece of it.
It wears on you. All she can do is pizz and moan about it all.
And maybe say the same thing to DH - when MIL refuses to leave FL ever again, and DH starts moaning. Make them mull on things for themselves! Offer no solutions, and no words.
So, WHAT NOW?
It has evolved to where I rarely talk to these folks .. and if I do, it's pretty brief. And that's on purpose, on my part.
I've said all those kinds of things to them. Just agree .. you might hear MIL lamenting this old age thing and how hard it is .. and I just agree, rather than try to counter balance and/or bring any optimism to the table. I might respond: "Yea , like you've always said, getting old aint for sissies, it's tough. Whadd'r'ya gonna do". Just agree.
That then brings about from her: "I ask God everyday when my eyes open . why hasn't he taken me".
I respond: "Well until the Good Lord decides to reach down here and pluck you out of this life .. just make the best of it all, that's all you can do".
And she then .. "you know I wasn't supposed to end up in this predicament .. I wasn't gonna get old .. I just wasn't gonna get old and not be able to fend for myself".
At that point you change the subject: "man look at those beautiful gardenias outside .. I bet they smell so good .. we should bring some of those inside in a vase for you to enjoy".
That diverts things only momentarily.. you go about finding a vase .. and go outside and pluck some flowers and get those set up for her . and talk about that .. but it lasts only a moment.
She's now back to complaining that her life at this point is down to staring out her kitchen window . she just can't do anything anymore ..
Maybe now you try to sprinkle some optimism in there, responding: "Well things could always be worse .. look at your sil's husband that spent his last days in a bed .. not knowing who or where he was anymore, from a massive stroke .. it could always be worse".
She then responds: "Sometimes I think that would be better .. maybe if I didn't know the sad state of shape I'm in anymore . that might be better".
Me: "Careful what you wish for .. hey did you ever hear from that cable tv person .. weren't they gonna come out and check your cable tv box".
That diverts again .. only momentarily til it circles back again .. to her sad lot .. it just goes round and round and round . all the time . to the same sad lot.
It's just so maddening. The only thing that sorta works . is just to limit your exposure to it all. That too though brings about some sadness only in the respect .. these are people I was once close to .. and spent a lot of time with and you know .. my absence has to be palpable.
SIL same thing. Her begin down that road of how hard and all consuming and overwhelming all this is. You try to counter it all, with .. "ya know, you don't have to take this path .. you can choose a different one".
That gets met with a response from her: "I know but mother . .it just makes her so sad and such despair to even think about having to go into one of those places .. so I don't know .. I mean .. all I know to do is to just do this .. as long as I can .. til I can't do it anymore".
You even go there with: "...and your happiness .. and your enjoyment in life, what does that count for in all this?".
A response of: "Oh it's tough . it really is .. I don't know how long I can withstand the grueling pace of it all .. I really don't .. but I guess until I can't do it anymore, this is what I'll do".
So you try a different approach the next time, you just agree .. her with the whole" This is all so hard, . .it's so all consuming ....", .. you just agree .. "yep I know, but whadd'r'ya gonna do".
Same thing .. she responds with the whole line of "well .. I'll just do this as long as I can do it . it just brings too much sadness to mom ...........".
Other than that, I agree with Guest - silence if possible. Non-reaction. And like you say, echo-ing, throwing it back to them - "What are you going to do?" All good tactics.
Sounds like you are having some success at doing all that, but it's not easy huh! It IS work.
All so worrisome and stressful.
Just from your story so far, I will be very surprised if SIL is ever able, on her own, to place Mom in a home. MIL is unmanageable right now and yet she isn't able to consider it. Maybe if DH puts some pressure on but that doesn't seem likely. As you've shown, he avoids things and he and SIL don't work together.
I'm afraid it will take some outside authority to force it to happen. That would at least relieve SIL of some of the feelings that she can't bear right now.
imo, There will have to be more events before there's any chance. And actually, you staying of it all is the best chance for that.
Then maybe a Dr, a soc. worker, rehab facility - some other entity can get involved and make it happen.
In the meantime Dorker, stay strong, for your own survival and well being. We're all with you.
I guess I'm just re-stating the obvious - sorry. It's just so sad that the whole situation is back.
Well... there are still a few days...
DH imparting a phone conversation had with his mom yesterday .. he'd called just to check in with them ..
Went about like this, in part:
MIL: So what's the weather there ..
DH: "I think it's like in the 50's today".
MIL: Must be nice ..
Bear in mind, .. MIL is in IL presently and part of that national news story where the polar vortex of record breaking cold air is reaching down into the midwest .. temps in sub zero . and wind chills even colder.
And of course, as we all know .. it's all our fault that she's even there .. having driven the course that she be out of FL during hurricane season . and so every time one talks to her .. it gets ridden up the flagpole ... how bad all this has been, nobody knows . how bad it's all been .. and how she hasn't been warm since she got there and yadda yadda yadda. On and on it goes, every time you talk to her.
And so now .. here she is . in IL at this time . .when it's record breaking drop in temps. And so . it's so bad .. so so bad ..
I can't even relate being a Floridian almost my entire life. The coldest I've ever experienced was one visit there to the area at xmas . and it dropped to 12 degrees. It was cold . yes .. not anything I'd want to stay outdoors in for long .. but the house . it was nice and toasty warm . that was my experience anyway. But I'm not 89 years old and host of health problems .. one of which . like most old people . they freeze all the time, even when it's 90 degrees.
But COME ON ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DH disgusted with it all, as am I. She doesn't pick up on the social queue that it's old at this point, wearing all this constantly .. "it's all so bad . this has all been so bad .. nobody knows how bad all this has been .. it's been so cold here" .. the broken record that plays non stop anytime you talk to her.
One with more ability to have some insight might would have some realization that we're tired of hearing that broken record. Not her.
I'm guessing at this point, we will hear that til the day she dies .. .. even when she's back here and it's 90 plus degrees outside, she'll still be wearing that out . "It's so bad . nobody knows how bad this has all been . it's so cold here". We'll still be hearing it ..
All in her attempts to express she will never do this again .. that she'll never step foot out of her house again for a departure to IL .. (h377 she freezes when it's 90 degrees here .. so .. that as any excuse to not depart for IL .. is about useless, but whatever).
My words to DH on the above: "I can't be in much contact with them .. I'd of had to be a smartazz and ask her .. "well damn has she thrown you outside into a snowdrift to just rough it .. ?!?!?!?, I just can't be civil .. I can't be .. I just have to limit my talking to them .. I can't be nice and diplomatic about it .. just shut up already".
DH: No and if they keep it up .. I'm gonna tell both of them .. that was SIL's choice to not come get her until the end of August . she could've gotten here a LOT sooner to get her .. and she should've oh but she had to DOG SIT .. and she had to recoop from her son and his family's visit .. she CHOSE To come get her end of August .. that's not my fault .. she CHOSE not to sell her house and move down this way as she said for years she'd do .. and then chose not to do so .. and if she lived here .. we'd all be sharing all this .. but she CHOSE not to do so .. so yea mom is up there in frigid country .. she could've gotten her earlier and been back here mid October .. and avoided all that harsh winter .. but that was her CHOICE . .they're gonna keep it up til I blow my stack at both of them".
Good gosh . for those of you who have some perspective on this kinda record breaking cold that's ongoing .. please enlighten me . so that I can find some sympathy here ..
I have no perspective .. I've lived in FL almost all of my life, if it drops into the teens here it's record breaking.
Uh, oh....when his sister was in FL with MIL for four months last year, was he "sharing all this"? Nope.
A bit delusional there, yes?
Sort of bugs me that DH is treating this as SIL's problem. His mom too........
IMO .. SIL was the beneficiary of loads of shared responsibility for a long long time .. shared responsibility shoved over to my side of the table, sans the Mr. Fixit chores.
That will be the case going forward also. I'm sure he'll be all over it as to the Mr. Fixit stuff . but she's on her own now .. as to the health stuff with her mom .. and the mom's dog .. Dorker, is out.
Yes, .. I think had she done what she said she'd do .. for many years . .once she retires .. she wants out of snow country and down south here to FL . and buy a home here .. and live here .. there would be more opportunity for sharing that responsibility ..
SHE HAS benefited for a long time ... in being able to return to her life in IL and dump it all on me to handle.
She is now, for the first time . living it . .day in and day out . in her own home. Something, admittedly, I didn't have to do .. sans hurricane sheltering here.
You have to remember also the times, after I exited all this .. and SIL not yet on the page that I'm no longer the stepper/fetcher .. and the calls that DH got .. from MIL and from SIL as to whatever ailed her next .. and him having to drop what he was doing and head over to her .. to hold her hand, nurse her along .. etc.
He did do "some" once I exited ..
I think the point here is that this whole pizzing and moaning about how bad all this has been, with the final cherry on the ice cream cone at this point of this news breaking record breaking cold front that has dropped into the midwest .. adds to the misery of it all .. if she wasn't miserable enough these last several months .. this sure finished that off.
You put up with this for years and years. Not your mother, pure kindness of heart and Christian charity and personal affection. Nobody, least of all DH, turned a hair.
He gets a couple of months of phone calls and all of a sudden SIL is falling down on her duty, huh?
To recap: MIL is responsible for MIL's decisions and MIL's plans. You, DH and SIL all within your rights to - were you so inclined, which especially you were not - fold your arms and turn your backs.
MIL's current situation is NOT SIL's fault, it was never SIL's responsibility to solve the issue, and SIL is currently undergoing the caregiver's baptism of fire. I wouldn't mind you blaming the victim so much but it pisses me off when he does.