I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Just to assist you in perspective on really cold(sub zero) weather.
I lived in colorado for several decades. We had wildly fluctuating temperatures/weather with at least a week straight of sub zero Temps every winter.
If you have to go outside for anything, check the mail. Walk the dog, go to work, go shopping... You have to be bundled up and layered to alarming portions. With REAL warm clothes that they probably don't even sell where you are! Lol. Think Columbia and cuddl duds and under armor etc.
I have to tell you that I don't easily get cold, but I'm not stupid. A day or two of subzero is no biggie. But once a week straight goes by.... Both me and the dog (who has to be bundled up with jackets and boots for his walk) think.... This just ISN'T FUN any more!!!
I am with you in the whining about the Temps. She is INSIDE for crying out loud. Is she by the door when it is opened? By the windows? Ancient house with old windows and doors that aren't well insulated?
But my first question is... What temp does SIL keep her house?
If mil freezes in Florida, it doesn't matter where she goes. Unless sil keeps the temp of her house at 85!
And in sub zero.... You basically have to put the thermostat about 5 degrees above what you actually want it. We would put ours at 73 during subzero weeks to compensate.
I hope this helps -
You keep hanging in there and stay strong!
Sparkles ✨
SIL prefers .. when it's just she and B . .I've asked .. to have her thermostat about 70.
She has accommodated MIL since she arrived there and kicked it up to 73/74 .. which she finds a bit too warm for what she'd like .. But MIL freezes. Turn it up to 85?!?!? First off, who could stand to function ...??....but beyond that what would the power bill be? Goodness!
And oh no .. no DH does not get a pass. As I said before .. SIL benefited from many years of shared responsibility in all this .. with it all being shoved over to my side of the table, for far too long .. as she waltzed off. DH .. and his .. churching/hunting, .. etc. No, he doesn't get a pass on .. any supposed belief this falls solely on SIL's failures to step up to it .. all on her own. No.
There is enough blame to go around . .and hes' first in line in my book . for far too long ..
I think what is being exhibited by him (let's hope actions and not just words are what follows) .. is an improvement.
When I first arrived here, far too easy for him to say .."We'll just deal with it" .. meaning (translation) .. I'll shove it over to your side of the table while I run off to the woods, or to church obligation. That was the case when I first arrived here.
For him to be recognizing at this point that it isn't mine to do .. is an improvement. (Words reflect that ..let's see if actions follow)
Absolutely this all rests in MIL and her lack of any planning, I agree. And we all, .. ostensibly, have the right to fold our arms and turn around and not see/deal with any of it.
It's MIL's fault at the root of it all!
Where there has been failure in it all .. is the fact that for far too long .. SIL skirts on off to her life .. and we know DH never even hit a bump in the road with his own life in it all .. and my world .. upended .. she's not my mom.
I've corrected that now .. they will soon see ..
I do however agree with the premise of his statement .. had his sister sold her home . and moved here as was the "plan" for so long .. talked about anyway .. for a long time .. then things might look a little different than her solely carrying this load in IL.
Point being . until this latest stint ... she was indeed able to return to her home and assured the load was "shared" in her absence .. it's just it was shared by me .. not by her brother (sans the fixit chores).
When she and her husband decided that moving south wasn't anything they wanted to try to do .. she should have .. as should her brother .. brought that to the table as to the further care of their mom as she ages. Nobody did.
Who's surprised? Not me. Nobody talks to anybody.
BTW - what with DH's comment, "and if she lived here .. WE'D all be sharing all this." What's with the "we"? Ask him if he he has a mouse in his pocket or something. haha
Frankly, these people all have some deficiencies in their thinking. (I'm trying to be polite here.) MIL did not plan to grow old? Soooo, she planned to die young? If there are other alternatives, let us hear about them.
Dorker, may I suggest that you do not offer to do anything. This situation will only be able to improve when all enabling ends. This family is like a drowning person with a death grip on a twig, thinking it can keep them afloat. Something very sick is going on here. MIL is obsessed with the idea of continuing to live as she was able to do in the past. I doubt you can talk reason to her on this issue. Nor can anyone fix this problem for her.
I'm glad to hear that you are seeing this with some distance and detachment - your own kids and grandkids are far more deserving of your time.
Well, it's MIL's *right* to make her own decisions; but the other side of that coin is that any consequences are her own problem.
Where the pain and blame get going are in other people's responses to her decisions. But I do have to say it: all three of you have been consenting adults over these last years.
You have appropriately adjusted your response. SIL and DH haven't yet; and to be honest they've left it a bit late because MIL's competence is now verging on dodgy, which means that everything has to be adjusted to take her vulnerabilities into account.
But whoever cares, it shouldn't be you.
Are they still coming back in just over a week? And then?
BUT .....
It's becoming pretty evident at this point that his wife .. (he has made small hints and noise about same in the last several months, never delving very deep and elaborating much) .. his wife ... my stepmom .. of 50 years .. has Dementia and Sundowners .. and it's really a lot worse than I've been in the know on.
Those who have followed this whole thing will recall that I said, I've been pretty much an outsider to my dad's periphery all of our lives. A divorce when I was a little kid . and from there, . it just seemed his life evolved into what was then suddenly a stepmom .. and her family and her daughter .. brought to the marriage, my brother and myself kinda cast aside in it all.
That was all eons ago, when I was a kid. But beyond that .. us kids now grown .. and him more focused on his work, .. his wife and her family and her daughter who now also had kids .. and so any role as g'parents .. was bestowed upon those kids .. not in this direction.
Just an outsider to his world. He lives local, about 45 mins away. But all through the years, it seemed it sufficed to see each other on bdays and holidays . outside of that .. it wasn't really any priority.
I've offered all through his maladies with his injured foot and as he's struggled with this back issue .. countless things .. I'll come take you to a doc appt (he has been unable to drive now for a year) .. I'll come help with housework, . run errands .. anything you need.
My offers are always declined .. "Oh I think K (stepmom) has it under control here". All the while making inference, that she is becoming a lot to handle, her mind .. going.
Not really surprising .. I didn't know her parents very well, but I did know that both .. .before all was said and done, . didn't know/who they were, or where they were .. each .. Alzheimers, .. Dementia . I don't know . I wouldn't have been privy to that. But .. genetics I guess might dictate that same fate for her .. and it seems that is taking place at present.
Her daughter, is presently staying there to help out and from what I gather in talking to her some (which is odd, I probably haven't spoken to her in decades, we were never close, she's 3 years older than me). She is there to help, but it sounds like the help needed . though my dad is on a walker, at present . .. and moving very slowly .. as would be expected .. convalescing from surgery .. it sounds like the "help" there is to run interference as to her own mom and her frailties with her dementia that I didn't know was as bad as it is.
And this is what has been his "help" all along the way . his wife .. who .. it now appears .. is really pretty badly slipping away mentally.
But he hasn't elaborated on any of it .. always very secretive, very private . never giving me any inside info. In fact, if K (stepmom) knew her daughter was divulging any of this to me .. she'd likely kick her daughter out of their home .. she has already tried a couple of times, under the guise that the daughter is trying to "take over" and the daughter and she at odds with each other ..
The daughter fully aware .. apparently .. that her mom's mind is going .. and the dx of same .. and there on site, to help .. to help my dad but to also help with her mom .. and fully aware of her mom's shortcomings. I have offered myself, to come and stay there and let her go home and I will continue to do so .. it gets declined.
As stepsister put it, . when I offered to come stay so she can go home for a while, .. "Oh she would have a fit Dorker . .she doesn't even want me here .. she wants me to go home ... but I can fight with her .. I know how she is .. she doesn't want anyone around .. they'll see how bad off she is .. but I know how bad off she is, her sisters know how bad off she is, but she fights with anyone that tries to bring it up .. no .. she'd not allow that ... for you to stay here .. ".
Explains a lot.
Dad has only alluded just in passing . in conversation .. in recent months .. that she's becoming a lot to deal with,.. her mind. But never delving into much detail.
When he was slated to have this surgery .. it was an early morning scheduled surgery and mine and my brothers offers to come to the hospital (just in case something should go wrong . just to be there for dad) .. rebuked .. by him .. "no no . now I will be under anesthesia and won't even know you're there .. tell ya what, . come visit me when I get home .. that's what I want".
Oookay.
I did go to the hospital . while he was under the knife .. and just waited for the all-clear from the surgeon but then left. But spending much time around stepmom there, it became a little more evident that her mind is slipping ... just in some of the things said and done while I was in her presence.
Since then, accd'g to the stepsister who is on site there, .. I could go down the list of all the problems she cited as to her mom and all of the situation there, but suffice it to say .. .she and her mom had a dust up . among many had there . one in which she told her mom that she's going to need to bring in f/t help just to manage her alone . that my dad . he is managing okay but she is not . this brought about a squabble between the two .. and the stepmom then insisting she leave . this is HER home .. and she will NOT come in there and start taking over, etc etc yadda yadda.
So this is what my dad has as his wife .. and someone to look after him. And I'm not supposed to know just how bad it is . that's supposed to be left off my radar.
I'm going over there to spend the day, taking a couple of casseroles . letting the stepsister head out .. and go visit a friend . and spend some time over there. Stepsister was careful to caution me . that her mom's mind is just not right and she sometimes takes offense at things .. and will lash out .. and that I should know that (as she went on to elaborate with some examples) . and .. that I should try to not take it personal should that occur.
Okay got it .. noted .. don't take it personal if she lashes out .. check.
But . what the hay?
No, I don't know what they intend to do about her (stepmom) if anything .. and .. because I've always been treated as an outsider, . it's not at all a situation where I can march in and take over, .. "now dad's next doc appt is next week, I'll be here 1 hour early so we can get to that on time, and I'll COME GET HIM AND DO THE DRIVING".
Or go over there and pull out the vacuum and just start cleaning .. or whatever else one might do .. and just take over ..
I'm an outsider to it all, and not supposed to even know how bad it all is .. and so . any offers I've made to help along the way, always rejected .. (some of that now appears that maybe that was on purpose to keep me out of the loop as to seeing it all, first hand .. up close and personal) ..
All I can say at this point, as I watch what MIL and her life has become .. zero quality .. and my dad and his struggles and now his wife .. and that ongoing with her Dementia and whatever ..
All I can say at this point (easy for me to say I'm not there) .. why oh why .. do we have the medical science that keeps people alive into their 80's and 90's with no quality of life at all .. why?
I remember when I was young people died in their 60's it seemed. That's all changed.
Dorker, what will you do if they take you up on your offer and you become trapped in that situation?
They won't even let me drive him to a doc appt. Remember how much I am kept as an "outsider" to it all.
The only reason that step sister has an "inside" to it all .. remember .. for years and years .. she was a part of their world .. she and her kids .. as they grew up . and the g'parents to those kids . and enjoying them.
She's been a part of their world . me and my brother .. very much pushed to the periphery .. eons back and that has been status quo all along.
A great example of where I could've' been so very helpful and God knows I'd offered .. countless times.
I got to the hospital the other day and K (stepmom) was frantic as could be .. she'd been given a list of phone nos., by my dad . people that need an update as to his condition . one of whom is my dad's brother out of state . and the other .. my brother . and his wife . and myself of course.
She'd forgotten that list of phone nos., at home. She was frantic and beside herself. That one, .. I calmed the dust . "I have the phone nos, I'l reach out .. to dad's brother and to my brother and his wife, don't worry .. I'll get them caught up and in the know". That seemed to settle that storm ..
I had offered countless times, if there's anything I can do to help you let me know. Answer: "Oh I think we're fine .. but I'll let you know if we need anything".
A story that I hear occurred .. only from the stepsister ..
K stayed with my dad at the hospitalization .. around the clock . she didn't leave his side. This it turns out .. more a factor of . she can't be alone .. is scared when left alone at the house (what will she do if my dad passes and that leaves her living alone .. I don't know, I didn't ask). But she stayed with my dad in the hospital around the clock, under the guise of "if he needs help".
I offered to do so in her stead, and let her go home and rest .. and shower and so forth . and no .. as she put it, 'are you kidding me, your dad .. he's the most modest man in the world . they've got him laying there in a hospital gown and his backside right there for the world to see .. he'd rather die than be seen with his backside exposed .. and that urinal .. I mean .. if he needs that, .. he'd likely die before he'd ask anyone else to hand it to him . no I need to be here .. I need to stay with him".
Ooookay.
Well the story I hear after the fact, .she'd apparently forgotten to bring her PJ's .. knowing full well she'd be staying there around the clock . forgot to pack her PJ's and a robe and slippers.
Now I had offered countless times, if you guys need anything, call me ..
Countless times .. every time I'd call them, I'd offer.
What happened with her there, and no PJ's, no robe, no slippers?
She decided to sleep in one of dad's undershirts ..
Now that couldn't have been a pretty sight ..
She's all of about 5' tall . .and probably just about as wide ..
Her sleeping in a tee shirt for the night, nothing on her legs, feet . etc.
But that's not the end of it .. so I hear.
She'd gotten disoriented or something, this was post surgery ... dad out of it on meds .. and she wandered out of the room, yes in tee shirt and no slippers . no robe .. and was disoriented . and was looking for the elevator.. not sure what for .. she probably couldn't even tell you .. as I hear it told . she denies this happened .. but she'd gotten out from dad's hospital room . and in her tee shirt .. and gotten disoriented and .. couldn't find the elevator .. didn't know where she was .. and in the end it was a bit of a kerfuffle there . now staff trying to figure out who she is, where does she belong . and getting her back to my dad's room.
I guess if my dad were of sound mind at that moment in time, he'd of been able to squelch her wandering off for whatever it is she thought she needed to leave his room for. But dad was still doped up and out of it . from
But dad was still out of it from surgery meds .. and not fully concious himself, so he didn't stop this in motion.
Now that is the perfect example .. I could've helped. Call me, "Dorker I forgot my PJ's . would you mind going to get them at our house . .and get them for me".
I'd of done it ..
But neither of them . not at that moment in time . had their witts about them It sounds like.
Everything I ever offer, . even back before the surgery .. I've offered to be the one to cart him to a doc appt, . and/or go get them whatever they might need . be there to sit with and take in info as the PT comes around and so forth . you name it . it gets rejected . politely/diplomatic like .. not rude, but with a thanks but no thanks .. we got this.
They will N-E-V-E-R allow me that close to it all.
All I can do is continue to offer to help ..
I can't just take over .. and announce, I will do thus and so . and you . with your demented mind you go sit down over there . .I'm gonna do thus and so this is my dad and you can sit down.
From what I gather, from afar (I'm not to be in the know) . that would make life a living h377 for my dad . who has to live with and put up with her.
I don't know what their intentions are as to her and her memory . which sounds pretty darn bad. I know that the stepsister told me that she'd had a run in with her mom wherein she'd told her mom she's doing all she can at this point to not bring in f/t help to live there and look after her mom .. and that was met with some territorial type dispute there . the mother telling her to leave . that she's not gonna come into her home and tell her what to do .. so forth.
All I can do .. at this point is to honor what my dad asked of me, . "just come visit once I'm home from the hospital".
I'll do that .. am heading that way in a little bit and will spend the day there and if they'll let me, I'll run go get rx's or groceries . or whatever .. or do some light housework .. (they won't let me . they never do). I'll just continue to go and visit . and dad will get stronger .. a bit each week. Right now, he is NOT .. stronger .. but that will .. come around more in the coming weeks.
At some point .. now that I will be more privy to the goings on there .. being on site more, having visited him .. hopefully I can get his ear . outside of her presence (doesn't happen . she sits right there . and doesn't leave his side) .. and I can ask him . what do they plan to do about her and her memory issues . and maybe get a read from him . even though I'm not supposed to know any of this.
Were it not for this hiccup of his having a bad back . and now convalescing from that, .. I'd be right where I've been all along . an outsider . and not there, present .. in the setting .. to see the goings on.
And if you repeatedly insert yourself into that household, you could make tensions worse between stepmother and your stepsister. I would suggest only visiting your father, and don't do or offer to do anything else.
If you find their living situation truly untenable, then call APS.
(BTW, MIL seems like she was quite a burden in the hospital to the staff. Your father was the patient, not her.)
The best help you could give her would be to pass on what you've learned and resources like the Alzheimer's Society, books like "The 36 Hour Day" and so on.
How ironic that you have 2 completely different camps of belief: One, with SIL where you cannot possibly do ENOUGH and one with Dad where they won't allow you to do anything. Put those two in a bag and shake it and you'd have the right amount of CG in both situations.
(Sigh)
Life is simply not fair, no matter how you look at it!
Going to see dad (on Sunday!! all day!!) with a couple of casseroles and some frozen meals would be a great plan! Not only will it cut you out of the whole airport scene, you will be busy giving service somewhere ELSE. Maybe SIL (dense as she is) will see that YOU HAVE OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES---OMGosh, that are not MIL!. Let DH tell them that you have a ailing father and will be needed from time to time, and since you have been "excused" by DH's family as being no help--they won't even notice your absence.
It's not even a therapeutic lie. It's the truth!
Not that you have to step into CG for dad, but it sounds like there is going to have to be a "come to Jesus" meeting about care for both of them soon. Step sis should be grateful for you to offer to help. Most likely it will be hiring outside help, but a trip occasionally with food would be a gift. Do what you can (what Step mom will let you) and suss out the situation, altogether. They may need an intervention with APS, if they cannot care for themselves anymore.
Doesn't sound like a situation where you could get dragged in at all. You'll have to fight them to even bring them food.
But it's a great "go-to" when you cannot help out with MIL.
So---they really are coming home in 3 days? I think it may actually happen. DH has been warned that he may run past her in the airport...he's going to PA--I'd laugh if he was on her plane. He HATES yappy, stupid lapdogs. True service pets? No problem. They are beautifully trained and lovely to see in action. "Purse pooches" make him insane.
I personally hope you do NOT do the airport run and that you take a beat before you actually do show up. TO VISIT. For one hour, max.
Ah, Dorker. DO buckle up. It IS going to be a bumpy ride. Worse than before. 'cause MIL is NOT one whit better and SIL is exhausted.
"(BTW, MIL seems like she was quite a burden in the hospital to the staff. Your father was the patient, not her.)"
Having had WAAAAAYYY too many reasons to have my DH in the hospital ( I means, hundreds of nights,, too many to count) and he wanted me to stay with him every second of every day. While he slept all day long. (Anxiety: I finally got the docs on board with a judicious amount of Valium. Much nicer guy.)
The Drs simply kicked me out. As in "Go home. Now. We don't want you here, it just makes a difficult patient even more difficult." This was always said in DH's hearing--him nodding his head like he agreed and then as soon as possible, he's thinking of ways I could still stay, somehow. What he did not get, ever, and still hasn't...is that I would be "sleeping" on a flat cot, at best. No pillow, no blankets. And the night nurses let me know I was NOT wanted there. Or worse, an old recliner that hadn't reclined since the Nixon administration. He'd tell anyone who showed up how unsupportive and selfish I am.
Drs and nurses really DO NOT want a lot of people hanging around. A few minutes to visit, OK, but for the most part, nonstop stream of visitors just makes their jobs miserably hard.
Then the next day I was just sick--stress and exhaustion. He never once saw it. Called me names like baby and whiner and useless----partially this is due to simply not feeling well--but at his core, he felt like he was different than any and all other patients.
At least you have a convenient excuse for having to leave MIL's service when DH forgets.
I just had to shake my head over the TeeShirt story. I’m betting 10 years ago this woman would have slept in her cloths before wearing nothing but her hubbys tee in a public place. Just shows you how the reasoning and filters fly out the window. Can you imagine if she had made it on to the elevator? Then again - a confused old lady lost and wandering in a hospital - in nothing but a men’s undershirt would surely have gotten the attention of APS - which likely would have started some intervention. Intervention which now will be a battle.
Sigh
But you gotta know, Dorker- things will go to hell and gone pretty fast with your stepmom- and you very well could be sucked into this vortex. Once the incontinence startes, no bathing, spoiled food etc. stepsister becomes overwhelmed and/or burnt out... there’s no when to go but from bad to worse with this effed-up disease.
Wont this be a frickin’ bucket of cold water in the face to dh, mil and sil. Dorker has HER own family and can’t step and fetch for them - they might actually have to realize and accept it. It might even be fun in a sick and twisted way - informing them all of this new development. Mean Rainmom!
Okay - so here’s a question for everyone. Something I’ve struggled with - So, you have a friend, relative, neighbor who is facing what stepsister is now facing... Do you tell her about Aging Care? Or do you keep it to yourself - you don’t want them to recognize your posts - or other reasons. Even if you know they would be helped - is it an invasion of your “safe” space? Sorry - don’t want to hijack but I can’t help wonder how everyone else handles this.
I think so, too. It won't be long before stepsister is welcoming Dorker's help, despite what stepmom says.
Just how much help are you planning on providing your stepsister/stepmom? After all, you've pointed out many times that MIL isn't YOUR mom. And neither is stepmom. And helping stepmom/stepsister because that is helping your dad is a stretch, especially since your dad wasn't exactly a good dad, was he? What exactly do you think you owe this couple, especially since you've said how much you and your brother were always on the periphery of their lives? Why would you insert yourself into the center of their lives now?
So sorry to hear about Stepmom.
Your Stepsister is in the inner circle as far as Dad and Stepmom are concerned. That it not an inner circle I would try to force myself into. Stepsister will turn to you when she needs help.
Would I tell any of my relatives about this site? Geez Rainmom, I don’t know! My first reaction would be NO! I’ve shared waaay to much on this site about my family, but not anything I wouldn’t or haven’t already said to their faces. Still, like you said this is kinda my safe place.
Good Question!
If it were someone that is a neighbor, friend, and not my personal responsibility that I'm faced with handling . .absolutely I'd tell them about this spot.
As to my dad and stepmom and their situation at present. What I've surmised from talking to stepsister .. and from being over there, and what little my dad imparts about it. Seems to me like this is a setting whereby dad had his brain (still does) .. and his body failing him (bad back .. bad foot for far too long, fighting MRSA). His wife .. her mind is going. Still kinda able bodied for the most part, .. but her mind is not what it should be
Between the two of them . they were able to stumble along . and put some semblance of a workable situation together.
NOW however, .. he is somewhat compromised in that he is now post-surgery .. and .. on pain killers (has been on pain killers, far too long .. Oxy .. and concern . strong concern all throughout, of addiction).
He is now recooping from surgery and is not up and going and won't be for a while . and his mind also . at this point, somewhat diminished . .from his own set of circumstances. So .. what was workable previously . now seems to be really limping along .. at best.
What to do about it?
There isn't a lot I can do . that's the truth.
They've always kept me very much on the periphery . inspite of numerous offers to help. I've always been pushed to the periphery. And I think now, that was largely a function . at least in these most recent years . to keep me at bay and not allow me the full view of what was ongoing there.
I spent the entire day there yesterday .. took over a couple of casseroles .. and spent the day there. What I saw in stepmother .. yes .. diminished memory. She would ask the same questions over and over .. "did you make this casserole, it's so good".
Me: "Yes, it was left from what I made for the church dinner and put aside for you guys".
Her: "Do you do this all by yourself, or do others help you".
Me: "I do it all by myself when my turn rolls around, there are others that take other weeks .. it was my turn, so I did it all by myself, it was my turn".
The above . round and round, asked repeatedly .. within minutes of having just asked me the same questions.
Another time, the PT guy called and talked to dad .. told dad he'd be there today at 9:30 .. and .. stepmom . later .. within an hour or so . something came up about the PT guy and when he next comes and she mentioned next week. She was told "No, remember he called a bit ago, he's coming tomorrow at 9:30 .. ". Stepmom: "oh yea, that's right" . Same thing a bit later .. and another reminder .. and on and on it went.
My brother is to visit Saturday morning . .that was gone over numerous times . she kept saying he'd be there Friday .. "no . he's coming Saturday".
Her short term memory is shot.
Watching them go round and round.
There has been much much much concern these last several months that he's been dealing with some severe back issues. Unable to proceed with any intervention as long as MRSA still an issue . they were treating him with pain pills and what PT he was able to participate in (not much).
He has been so so cautious with taking those pain pills .. not wanting to be addicted. That has been a HUGE issue in their hemisphere. He would mostly cut them in half . the pain pills . only to prevent taking the full dose . .didn't like the effects of dulling his thinking .. and that would only offer him it takes the edge off the pain.
But it's been a huge, talked
It's been a huge/talked about issue in their world for many many many months as he's weathered fighting the MRSA in his foot and unable to proceed with any surgical correction for his back issues . this has been going on now for maybe 18 months or better. One I am aware of.
Finally got the MRSA cleared, after many starts and stops on that issue .. and so the all clear given and surgery proceeded for his back issues.
So now, he is one week post surgery .. and the pain pill issue . watching that ongoing with the two of them . him not as sharp mentally right now as he would normally be and her stuck on . the very issue that has been so ever-present in their hemisphere for so long.
Her encouraging him to NOT take the pain pills .. "don't want to get addicted".
Him agreeing to do as told .. only to watch the pain get out in front of him .. from the incision, then playing catchup- .. trying to get the medication to catch up to and alleviate the pain he's now in.
Stepsister (who has now vacated for her home) .. as well as myself .. encouraging him .. much to the chagrin of the one with the demented ability to think any more .. "do as the doc rx'd . if he wants you taking it every 4 hours, then do that .. don't let the pain get in front of you and then have to catch up with it .. take it as rx'd .. we'll worry about addiction later .. take what the doc told you to take .. every 4 hours".
He'd do so .. as long as myself .. or stepsister instructed .. and yes, the pain would then be manageable.
But prior to that . anytime he is in the care of his wife . she encourages he not take the pain pills "don't want to be addicted". And he'd follow orders as instructed.
Afterall, sometimes we have a procedure done and are rx'd pain pills and maybe when that 4 hour window rolls around, that pain hasn't yet crept back up on us . so it makes sense .. "I'm not really in pain . .I think I'll be alright .. I'll skip it". That's kinda what was going on . may be again, .. now that stepsister has left for home and I'm not there today either . to man the ship. It's all up to stepmom now.
Why would I leave my dad to her care?
What else am I gonna do. Pack up and move in over there, with them shoving me to the periphery . "no, now we're fine here, we will manage just fine .. no we don't need you to go to the grocery for us . no we don't need you to throw in a load of laundry . .no no .. we're fine .. we don't need anything . now we'll be fine" always their pat answer . all thru these months this has been ongoing. I try to insert myself, . "hey dad would you like me to be the one to pick you up and take you to the doc". Answer: "Naw .. nah .. I think your mom (stepmom) she has it all covered, we're fine".
Am I gonna elbow my way around there. For the next six to eight weeks as he weathers getting past this surgery? She isn't gonna get any better, she's gonna get worse in fact.
She got angry at me for doing the dishes that we'd made to heat up dinner. "Now leave those . we'll take care of them later"
"WE'LL".
We who? Dad is barely able to ambulate, "WE .. who?".
I did it anyway . but she was highly offended .. didn't want me doing a thing!
Dad seemed to be struggling with the pills/times to take them, etc. I offered to go to the drug store, to buy one of those pill organizers. He informed me that stepsister (who had vacated by then) had written it all down for him on a steno pad . what to take and when . and he had that trusty pad right at his elbow and he'd be fine.
He'd sleep thru sometimes . dozing .. and not take it . and I'd remind him . wake him up .. all to the stepmom . ."now he doesn't seem to be in pain . he's resting comfortably . he maybe doesn't need to take it".
I'd just ignore her and urge him awake enough to take another pill.
I don't have the answers . but I am no, not willing to move in over there and take over, what to do about her, I don't know.
At my dad's yesterday .. I got an email from SIL, read as follows, in part:
"Wonder did brother ever drain the water heater, do you know if he ever did that, we'll be back on Sunday, does he need to go refill it? I guess one of you had her heat on there, turned on low .. not her a/c .. will he be going to check that before we get home . I'll have to run to the grocery when we get there, there's nothing there to eat .. do you know if he's checked her home, to make sure everything is okay . like pipes burst or anything . I know you guys have had some cold weather also . ".
I read that, while at my dad's ..
My thought was .. so much of this . in fact, all of it . is not under my purview .. every bit of this .. she has been told . countless times, I am no longer the mouthpiece for you and your mom to relay messages and questions to my husband, you have questions or needs that he is to speak to .. ask him not me .. and the grocery .. yep .. guess you'll have to, don't expect that I'm gonna jump on that with a list from afar . .that too . you mention it . in the hopes .. veiled .. not very well .. hopes that I'll take the ball and run with it. Wrong. Talk to your brother .. he can go to the grocery for you. He can answer whether he ever drained the water heater and what he needs to do if anything with it, before you arrive, and whether the pipes are okay there and whether the heat or a/c is on .. he can answer all of that, why is this being directed to me.
I didn't even bother answering it at all. Didn't respond.
I was going to .. I was going to answer .. "These are all questions you need to direct to your brother". But my dad needed something and I put the phone down and didn't think another thing about that email until I got home last night.
I mentioned that email to DH this morning in the context, .."your sister apparently has some questions, might need to give her a call . not sure why she directed her questions to me".
DH: "What was she asking?".
Me: "I don't know . something about the water heater and the heat and a/c .. I don't know, the pipes there .. stuff like that".
DH: "Well I talked to her yesterday and answered all that, why did she email you, when did she email you"
Me: "I don't know precisely .. I just found it yesterday when I was at my dad's .. and I didn't respond . none of it was anything that is of my concern".
DH: "I talked to her and answered all that .. I guess she didn't hear from you so reached out to me, .. I already answered all that".
Good .. fine.
But how dense is this woman?!?!?!?! She has been told that I am stepping out of all this and she shoots off an email to me with a myriad of questions as to the house and so forth. TALK TO YOUR BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What part of that doesn't compute?!?!?!?!?
Cause she just doesn’t get it. Can’t accept it. Won’t accept it. Not until you douse her.
I CANT HELP YOU!!! I HAVE MY- MY - My own parent to take care of.
Whether or not and/or just how much you want to be involved with your fathers sinking ship is immaterial. Sil doesn’t need any details or in depth explanation.
Just -
“I have to look after my own parent now. YOU and DH need to look after YOURS”.
Sil may give some appropriate lip service as to you saying you’re out - but she really can’t/won’t believe it. And - for that matter - same with dh.
Theres a big storm a’brewin’.