I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Remember, I mentioned the other day that in the phone call, . .she'd said . just in general to who ever was listening .. "if one of you could scoot by the vet's office this week, the special order dog food and treats is waiting to be picked up . if not .. I'll get it Monday".
I never responded. DH didn't either, changed the subject.
I can assure you that has not been on DH's list of "to do's" this week, and it most certainly has been off mine.
And now, she sends the email yesterday . about the house concerns . all .. questions/concerns that should've been .. in the 1st place .. before ever reaching my view . .if at all ............ TO HER BROTHER.
Why reach out to me?
I wouldn't know if he turned off and drained the water heater there, ..
............Unless I ask him on her behalf.
I wouldn't know if he has checked the home for any bursted pipes (there aren't going to be any . we haven't had a temp here that has dropped that low ..
............. I don't know ask him ... has he checked, or maybe Google the last 30 days of temps here in this vicinity .. if it's that big of a top twirling hamster wheel spinning concern.
Did he ever turn her heat on in her house, or is it still on a/c?
........ I wouldn't know ..............
ASK HIM ...............
What is so friggin difficult about this concept. H377 I have never, .. even when I was the stepper fetcher in chief .. did that kinda thing or would've been in the know on what the household stuff is . that was never my thing, not even then.
And mentioning she'll have to go to the grocery, there's nothing there to eat.
How stupid does one think I am?
That is a not very well veiled attempt to get me to take the bait .. "oh gee, SIL . man I hate that .. tell ya what, give me a list . and I'll have whatever you need there on hand for you".
YEA RIGHT.
Not gonna happen.
Already the directives from afar begin a'flyin
Lemme just say, on your behalf...
Argggghhhhhhh!
Boy, SIL has not listened to a word you said.
She will now blow up your email with directives from afar.
As for the pain pills - the wisest thing you can do is follow doctor's advice to the letter. That's the way to go.
DH has left to put the finishing touches on a project that has been far too long and taxing the last couple of weeks. Said it will take maybe 1/2 a day to finish and then he's headed to his mom's house, to get that ready for their arrival tomorrow.
I wasn't asked to go in his stead .. by him. GOOD. That's how it should be!
I wouldn't put it past any of them that as the day wanes on, .. her in a tizzy from afar, .. she'll then throw out there again, .. "did either of you go get the dog's specialty foods/treats?". Directed in an email to me .. and/or .. her having reached out to her brother who will then direct it to me. Or try to. Wouldn't put it past her, at this point, her in a tizzy ... "do you suppose I could give you a list of a few things to grab at the grocery . just so I won't have to drop my luggage and run to the grocery first thing" . directed to me in an email, and/or she gets ahold of DH who then tries to direct it to me.
Wouldn't surprise me in the least. But at least for this moment, . things are operating as they should. And tomorrow when they arrive here, HE is to go get them, not go to lunch with church missionaries!
I have the perfect excuse to not tag along .. I have a nasty horrible cold, coughing my head off, congested (no fever). I surely don't need to get any of them sick.
I am supposed to go to my dad's today to be there as my brother and his wife arrive from out of town (they live about an hour or so away) .. and will be going back home this afternoon. I'm supposed to go and be there for their visit . but am debating whether to even do that .. I ALSO don't need to get any of them sick either.
I had this same cold, two days ago when I was at my dad's all day and perhaps shouldn't of gone there, for that very reason . but I did go.
Stepmom doesn't like my brother's wife (none of us like her) .. and so she'd wanted me to come .. I guess .. just to limit her exposure, interaction with my brother's wife .. and I wanted to go . just to check on dad .. and I keep hoping I can get his ear, outside of his wife's presence, to get a read from him on his wife and the path forward in that whole mess. That didn't happen the other day .. no way to get out of her earshot .. she stays right there, planted in the same room with her dementia and asking the same questions over and over, ... that she forgets have already been answered.
So, part of me, wants to just take the phones off the hook, and disconnect .. from contact, and rest . and try to feel better (I don't feel all that bad, . but I don't sleep good, from coughing a lot when I lay down at night . and I'm tired of being congested and coughing all the time) .. and part of me wants to go and check on my dad in the hopes that maybe they'll entertain her for a few mins .. the stepmom and I can have my dad's ear . for a few mins.
If that's the case, I highly recommend you use a wonderful button called SPAM and direct all her silly directives towards that bottomless pit. If you choose to, you can take a peek in there now and then and see if anything jumps out at you.
IF this is what has been "going around" and I mean "the country!" then it will last 14-18 days and you'll be at the doc in a box begging for narcotic cough syrup, That at least will help you get some sleep.
Tomorrow is going to be epic. One way or the other, just epic.
I didn't go...I stayed home.
Had a great excuse in the nasty cold I'm fighting.
Was uneventful accdg to what he had to say. Other than his mom repeating the same story she's already told at least 1000x's as to her 94 yo sister's heart attack and hospitalization several weeks back.
She's told that saga over and over ...but each time she says the whole story again as if she's never told it.
That and her giving instruction to DH how to get to McD's (they arrived here starving). Kinda silly ...DH has lived here all his life. He KNOWS where McD's is.
She doesn't have any dementia ... no, of course not. Just ask SIL the self proclaimed MD.
Aside from that ... sounds like they ran afoul of a disgruntled security personnel for having pulled the car into what is the crosswalk area to offload MIL from the wheelchair to the auto. Asked of DH "Well why would you do that ...no you can't block the crosswalk by pulling the car there ... why not just use the curb there?"
Answer: "SIL told me to pull to the crosswalk... mom can't step down off the curb ... she'll fall ... had to have level ground to get her up out of her whechair and then the one step forward and into the car".
Ssounds like this made security personnel get sideways with DH for this infraction and threaten to write a citation.
That sums up the saga of today's events as told to me.
Feel better, Dorker - lots of hot honey and lemon, alternated with chicken soup (obvs).
Surely there isn't just simply yards and yards of sidewalk/curb and the several crosswalks and nothing there at all in the way of an ADA ramp for wheelchairs and those who can't navigate a curb.
I've done that gig countless times going to pick up SIL as she arrived for her hamster wheel spinning. But she navigates fine. So it wouldn't of been anything I'd of noticed. MIL however hasn't been anywhere for YEARS. In those years she has grown more compromised and curbs, stepping down or onto a curb, yes .. more and more problematic. May even be that now she simply can't.
Just curious ... surely they have graded slants built in somewhere along the walkway there.
It's one of those things you get used to spotting with experience, like which service stations have clean loos and what floor of the car park is best for wheelchairs.
But I have been to the airport dozens of times myself, .. to pick up people. The pick up point, at the airport, is different than the drop off point.
I just never have had a need to spot where there might be accessibility points for folks with disabilities. It's never been an issue .. prior to now.
I'm sure they're are some, have to be. It's the law.
I'm just curious myself, at this point, as I can envision the scene I've encountered dozens of times there. You pull up in your car, to retrieve the person waiting for you to get there, they've just flown in .. them and hundreds of others .. and cars are lining the drive thru there .. the walkway . .and it's not always accessible, dependent upon other cars lining the walkway there retrieving people themselves .. and so those access points .. very well could be blocked by other folks and their cars .. and so .. useless .. as far as you needing that specific point to access the person you're there to get . as you can't get your car there, other cars parked there. I really don't know .. I'm curious myself at this point.
Yes there are several cross walks that lead across the way to what is a massive parking garage .. quite a distance ..
But those crosswalks .. they are manned to the tee .. and one doesn't block those cross walks .. ever! Pedestrians using those cross walks have the right-of-way . and so . if you're in an auto you sit tight . .wait for pedestrian traffic to clear . .before proceeding ..
That is what he blocked . in pulling up where he did .. and yes . that would be a HUGE infraction and in fact, worthy of citation for having done so.
So I'm just curious myself .. maybe at some point I'll be out at the airport and make a mental note to look, just to satisfy my own curiosity.
Isn't that what she would've availed herself of in the fact that there was to be someone waiting at this end, w/a wheelchair . when they arrived.. That did happen.
So what was supposed to happen beyond that point, that didn't?
Would it be that the skycap then wheels her around., and the skycap that is wheeling her around . then knows of the accessibility points . and so they'd of not encountered this issue?
I'm just curious myself. Sounds like she DID .. at least at some degree .. avail herself of those services, in the fact that there was a wheelchair there at the ready for MIL . when they arrived.
I'm just trying to figure out for myself . did she the take over herself . and then shot herself in the foot in so doing .. ??.... if she'd of let them handle it, the disabled passenger services .. they'd of handled getting her wheeled around and to the appropriate disabled spot .
I really don't know.
There was a small window with Rainman when I used a “disabled parking” thingy. Rainman didn’t walk until he was three yrs old and even then it wasnt pretty for a few additional years - so I carried him - when the weather was bad or we were short on time - to and from the car. Rainman was 10lbs at birth and grew like a weed so it wasnt long until my first back blowout.
Anyhoo - my point in this is to say that while there might have been points of disabled access that dh should have used instead - in my experience its the clueless able bodied folks who say “I’ll just be a moment...” and use/block these points for the folks who must use the spots - not just out of convenience. Its beyond frustrating.
Once Rainman could ambulate better I gave up the parking permit- figuring there were people who needed the spots more than we did.
Like my mother. Once my mother had her car wrestled away from her - I got her in the habit of carrying her parking permit in her purse so whoever was driving her could park legally in the disabled spots. I’d think that if mil isn’t already doing that - that she start. And - dh should begin the habit of double checking and making sure she has it with her. Since it will be him and sil driving her around when necessary. Not Dorker.
Did I already say that?
I can only hope that sil used some basic common sense and packed some kibble for him.
Its just not right to make a dog - who must depend on his humans for food - to go hungry.
As I've said all along - none of this is the dogs fault. None of it.
I guess one could go park in that massive parking garage (I never have . I've only parked in a lot for fly and go, in which case, you hop a shuttle bus and get carted to the entrance to take a flight out) .. or I've gone to retrieve someone .. in which case, you just pull up to the curb and the person is standing waiting for you.
It's got me curious .. I think I'll shoot an email out to the airport authorities and post this scenario that occurred and see what they'd advise .. for next time. Just to satisfy my own curiosity on the issue.
After 5+ months away, SIL is probably very busy setting up medical appts. for MIL to get her re-established in the local medical community. She has to get the local hamster wheels and whirligigs going again!
IF SIL gets the hamster wheels running again (and she will).....WHO in the name of heaven is going to spin that wheel after SIL goes home. It takes a couple of people, at least.
That should prove interesting.
Will PT and OT show up again?
Will the washer situation cause the final fall? (Just trying to wrap my brain around that one still has me scratching my head...)
Will MIL "accept" MOW's?
Will MIL be compliant, left alone to take her meds and keep her legs elevated?
Will the neighbors be hounded into submission?
That dratted step into the garage! (Seriously, MIL cannot make ONE step up nor down????? That's quite serious, actually).
I guess we all wait and see. I watch my mother get worse and worse and I know in some time I will have to broach the NH situation with the sibs. She WANTS to be in a wheelchair and uses one as often as possible. She also takes about 5 minutes to navigate one step.
Don't y'all just feel like MIL Is literally going to live forever? Poor SIL, the lovely 'golden years' with her DH are literally being robbed by her mother. Or maybe she doesn't care, who knows?
Dorker--you just keep coughing and stay away. This is NOT what SIL had in mind for the glorious return. You may not be allowed to be near MIL for another week and that would be great :)
(This is probably not nice at all--but it speaks volumes to me: My granddaughter has a hedgehog. He has a large hamster wheel which he hops on about 10 pm and runs it all night long. He doesn't bother to step OFF the wheel to poop, so it gets EVERYWHERE in the cage. When I see Gizzy's cage ( which i refuse to clean)...I am reminded in the back of my mind of SIL and her wheel. On a smaller scale...but....Gizzy is going to live with another family soon. What seemed like such a great idea has quickly soured for an 11 yo). Gizzy also requires special treats and a LOT of fussing. And if you make him mad he bites you.)
Draw your own similarities.
Her's were on her buttock = she's a PITA ... her definition.
Mine were on my face = ?
We never did tie that one down. Maybe it means I'm a pain in the brain ... I dunno.
I haven't seen MIL & company at all. Coughing/congested ... I don't need to spread germs. That's bought me a reprieve from any welcome home visit, for now.
I can only hope SIL has no thought of leaving her mom alone again ...
She never fully committed to any statement to confirm that. Hedged kinda when I asked her "now you see ... she can't be left alone" ... her answer, "yea I can see it'd be hard for her to manage".
Thats not a definitive "no" in my book as to whether she intends to stay or leave her.
Out of my control.
If she intends to leave her .. she and DH better come up with a plan. And we know they don't do such "plan and talk to one another to sort anything through".
Nnothing I can do about it.
I think SIL will be running the hamster wheel and finding whirligigs for a good long while before she makes any attempt to fly off and resume her life. I am really finding it very hard to believe that she will actually attempt to leave MIL alone to manage in FL in her home.
I am assuming that MIL will refuse to ever step foot on a plane again to spend time in IL. I am also assuming that she will refuse to go to a facility. So what will happen? SIL should know better than to count on Dorker's H to do much of anything at all AND she should know better than to make any attempts to get Dorker back to steppin' and fetchin'.
So, Dorker, be very careful in your interactions with MIL and SIL once your cold is better. You should go and ONLY visit MIL. Don't get caught up in picking up this or that or doing this or that on the way over. Make SIL get used to the idea that you are not the stepper and fetcher any longer. Continue to ignore the text messages, and don't reply to SIL's emails, either.