I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
She had come for xmas, she and her husband ... and New Year's of 2017. She'd reserved her plane reservations for that time slot and would be returning to IL, after New Year's. She flew in about a week before xmas, and was to return .. I think maybe a couple of days after New Year's.
Bear in mind, this is after I'd hopped up and down and shot off flares in every direction that MIL doesn't manage living alone any longer, to deaf ears.
She'd come for what was to be xmas and New Year's .. and .. MIL fell. A day or two before xmas .. she fell and was carted off by ambulance, to the hospital.
At the hospital, nothing of any significance as to any injury found. She was discharged for home. Unbelievable as this is .. she couldn't even ambulate to get into a car .. but was sent home via ambulance .. and ... couldn't ambulate well enough to navigate her home.
(WHY OH WHY no one saw fit she be discharged to a Rehab site .. I'll never know, but that same OUTPATIENT FOR OBSERVATION label that gets slapped on so many times, at play there, nothing with a suitable label to qualify her for inpatient status at the hospital . thus .. rehab wasn't an option at discharge, not that SIL would've fought that anyway).
SIL ended up staying to help her mom recuperate from that horrible nasty fall, she stayed .. like 4 months or so. Her husband did go home.
She went home like April of 2018.
She came back, for only a few days .. when her son and his royal family petitioned they'd be in IL . on their annual vacation to the states an wanted to come see granny in FL. And so it was arranged, they'd all fly down to FL .. from IL . .in June . for what was a long weekend.
By that time, it had so gotten on the radar .. so driven .. the initiative, wildly unpopular with MIL .. that she needs to be out of FL during hurricane season . period. Safely tucked away from any peril .. that point had been driven up everyone's backside .. hard.
We tried .. and tried .. to get SIL to understand that we'd fly up there, to get MIL there .. that we'd help her, to get ready to take MIL back with her, in June when she was here, for what was only to be a short weekend visit . accompanying her son and his royal family.
SIL's answer to that .. "No, .. it's just gonna be too much chaos . when I have my son and his family in, .. 3 kids .. it's just bedlam at my house .. it's really gonna be better if I take her to my house, once they're gone . it's just too much chaos when they're all there, the kids . all running in every direction and I try to spend quality time with them as best I can . since I only get to see them once a year .. so it's better I get her later, after they're gone back home .. and ... after they leave .. I generally have to have a couple of weeks just to recuperate myself... it wears me out keeping up with it all .. and so .. I have to put my house back together . and rest up from their visit . and .. so .. I don't know (hedging . not yet setting any date to retrieve her mom, not at that time).
Beyond that it became that she had to recoop from her son's visit and get her house back together, then there was a need for her scheduled colonoscopy to get that out of the way .. before bringing her mom there. My questioning that, .. "SIL she lives alone . .she'll be fine while you go out for the day to go get your scheduled colonscopy". Answer to that .. "Oh ya know, I think it's probably best I get that out of the way outside of her earshot or awareness . ya know that's what took our dad .. a botched colonoscopy . .I think if she's here .. and knows that's where I am for the day . she'll just worry and fret and get all overwrought about it . best I get that done before I even bring her here, so it's not even anything she's aware of".
Beyond that, . she then would need to dog sit for her daughter, who was going
Beyond that she was going to be dog sitting for her daughter for two weeks, who was going out of the country ..
So as it was, she didn't retrieve her mom . to cart her away from hurricane peril .. (which incidentally . begins June 1) .. until the end of August . .because of all those impediments listed.
She came to get her mom end of August .. who had also taken another fall in her absence here .. not a serious one . one in which MIL was able to crawl and struggle along .. took a couple of hours .. and find her way to getting up again .. not injured . sans some scratches on her arms ...
She'd had struggles along the way . .calling upon DH .. "I can't feel my hands, something is wrong with my arms .. I can't feel my arms and hands" .. summoning him . and he did come. Whatever that was, it subsided. She'd had a few UTI's or so she thought . and began taking antibiotics her PCP had on standby for her, for that very reason . without going to any doc to determine a definitive UTI. She'd had some pain in her back/ribs .. pain that persisted ever since that nasty fall at xmas .. and didn't wish to pursue why. She'd had a nasty cold .. that didn't seem to want to subside.
All the while the MOW's stack up uneaten . and .. the ankles swelling and the alarm bells sounding on that issue . and summoned to the front . to take a look at that, numerous times.
Ahh, but those dogs were taken care of . right?
She finally arrived here in August to retrieve her mom (who .. let's not forget .. rode it up and down the flagpole how this is so not necessary . she be carted out of here, this is gonna kill her, to have to do this .. that she will die, she's sure of it, at SIL's .. this is going to be too much for her, .. her sadness .. anguish .. up an down the flagpole over and over). She finally got here end of August to retrieve her mom . who by that time, was in the throes of about 4 weeks of chitapalooza.
SIL got that wrangled into control . enough to get her onto a plane and off to IL, where chitapalooza resumed on their end.
Once there, .. MIL hospitalized having suddenly become confused, disoriented, babbling her words, etc .. and so hospitalized, suspect of stroke. That same outpatient observation status thrown on the label .. and rehab not an option, not that SIL would've availed herself of same anyway. Discharged for home . to SIL's' .. and no worse for the wear . now able to talk without babbling her words.
SIL also . got a UTI at this time and put on an antibiotic that disagreed with her, and then hospitalized herself .. and investigation into what's going on with her.
At that juncture, that left MIL and B .. to manage on their own . without the chief hamster runner there, to manage or all. MIL didn't take her blood thinner ..
SIL home from the hospital MIL now confused/disoriented and obvious something going on again . again hospitalized . suspect of stroke. That investigated and that label . that outpatient label again . SIL fought it this time . that label .. and got it changed . at my urging . .so she could be then discharged to a rehab site . as SIL was complaining (I was in more touch wit her in this period) .. she can't keep up to the rigors of all MIL's care and needs ..
Got that discharge to rehab .. and there SIL pulled the plug on that as a setting . and brought her home. Said it was too sad a place to leave her .. and so she undid that and took her home.
She had her now home at her house . that's where it finally broke the camel's back with me .. when she tried to sell me that the nurse (visiting nurse) said of MIL that she's not bad off enough to warrant inpatient anything . that the nurse concurs the weather there, not good for MIL . she needs to return to FL .. that finally .. with me, was the straw that busted it all.
I blocked her ability to text me any longer at that point . and it remains that way to this day.
In that time frame .. that's when I pulled the plug on communicating very much with her . and made myself unavailable. And it remains that way to this day.
She can email me, . she can call me, but she can't text me any longer. And I can choose to ignore an email and I do .. and she never calls, . .so that's not an issue.
It was at that time, that I pretty much blew a gasket over it all . that she fails to address .. she and her brother . .that their mother DOES NOT MANAGE alone . and do SOME DAMN SOMETHING ABOUT IT .. rather than keep sweeping this under the rug .. and petitioned that she call me . talk to me . on the phone .. talk to me .. rather than these stupid directives she's so good at .
That took forever . to even get her ear at all. Weeks and weeks, .. excuses .. she can't talk, mother is always at her elbow, blah blah blah.
In the interim . she was still dealing with her mom there, PT . visiting the home at that point .. and then onto .. from that . outpatient . being carted to PT visits. MIL .. it's said . never has a settled bowel situation . it's one extreme or the other with her .. carting her to a gastro doc . who wanted to do some kinda sigmoid something .. but MIL not wanting to do so ..
MIL the whole time bitching that she doesn't want to be there, wants to be home . if she could get her and her dog on a plane . she'd be gone .. the WHOLE TIME.
When I finally did get SIL's ear . I asked her, .. "So do you see now, now that you have her there, . in your care, .. now that you were hospitalized for 2 days yourself and saw she doesn't take her meds without prompt .. do you see now that she cannot live alone .. she doesn't manage, do you see that now".
Her answer (which I call an answer that is hedging and not really definitively putting to rest any hope of being alone ever again) . her answer: "Yea I can see that it would be really hard for her to manage .. " yadda yadda.
That was her answer, .. also some dialogue that her mother, it causes too much despair and sadness in her mom to even talk about placement .. in a facility .. that she just gets so despondent even bringing it up that the only thing she knows to do for now . is to just .. as long as she can do it . doesn't know what term that might be .. and/or what limitations .. but as long as she can . she'll just care for her mom . that's all she knows to do, .. that she'll just bring her here .. back to FL where she wants to be .. and then back and forth they'll go .. between IL and FL.
I asked her, .. "... and what ..??... I mean if you get your mom back into her home here in FL . you know, wild horses won't be able to drag her outta there, ever again . she does not want to be ANYWHERE other than her own home . you won't be able to get her outta there to go to IL . ever again".
SIL: "I know . she's just gonna have to understand . that she needs help and she's gotta help me to help her . and that means some coming and going between IL and FL .. and that .. I can't move to FL .. I don't want to move to FL . and so she's gonna have to go back and forth with me . and work with me . she's gonna have to understand that, but that's a work in progress .. I know she hates being here in IL . she doesn't wanna be here, she feels like she's such a burden . and doesn't want to burden any of us .. she feels like she can manage on her own and says so . from time to time .. but we remind her that no .. she really doesn't manage on her own .. and so . it's a work in progress .. I don't know how long I can do this .. I don't know at what point I can't do it anymore . .I just know it's so monumental . the daily walk of living this . the challenges .. all I can do is get thru each day . and then take it as it comes, I can't think about what tomorrow brings . I just get thru each day".
That was pretty much the summation of her answers.
So no guarantee .. and no . nobody wants to talk about placement. And so there we are.
Uh...yes she DOES want to burden all of you!
She wouldn't complain daily to her daughter if she didn't want to burden anyone. She KNOWS SIL will jump on the phone immediately and start giving out directives for any little thing MIL says she needs. MIL depends on SIL to do her dirty work and then throws SIL under the bus later with statements like "I should have never mentioned it to her. That daughter of mine.... " She knows damned well SIL is gonna fire up the texting and hamster wheel and get people hopping ANY time MIL expresses any want.
If MIL truly did not want to burden anyone, she'd be keeping her mouth shut about any ache, pain, unpleasantness or want she has. But instead, you hear about it via SIL multiple times daily. "Poochy needs his special foods; prescription needs to be picked up; diarrhea again, please bring soup; MIL really wants some fish from her favorite seafood place; can you just...."
MIL would be inquiring and asking you to set up the services of transport and food delivery if she truly did not want to burden you. She'd say "NO more doctors" and mean it if she didn't want to burden you. She'd say yes to palliative care.
With the caveat that I wonder .. how much she's "with it" .. mentally. And of course, there has been denial to get that looked at.
I have asked of MIL before, when the troops come storming in . at SIL's direction from afar .. and MIL with her hand wringing, .. "Oh that daughter of mine .. I shouldn't of even said anything to her".
I have asked her before; "Why do you? You know if you mention to her that you hicupped 3 x's . .she's gonna send the troops scurrying, why do you tell her, if you don't want the troops scurrying, why do you tell her?".
Here has been her explanation: "Ya know, that daughter of mine . she calls here .. she calls in the morning to make sure I made it through the night okay .. she calls again . maybe mid-day to make sure I'm alright . or maybe if there's something she and I are working thru with the cable bill, or an insurance bill or doctor bill, she'll call to update me on that situation and check on me . at night . I call her, at bed time, to let her know I'm going to bed, and I'm accounted for and okay .. I talk to her generally a few times day .. sometimes more . and ya know, I don't go anywhere, .. I don't get out to go to museums or art shows, or movies .. I don't do anything anymore to talk about .. I don't have anything to talk about .. there's nothing going on in my world that's of interest .. I just happen to mention to her, .. because there's nothing else to talk about . that my stomach hasn't been feeling right, that I just don't have much appetite . and next thing I know here one of you come showing up with a casserole and some medicines . and she's bothered one of you with it, I wish she wouldn't do that".
Fill in the blank above:
It could be anything in this many times a day talking to one another .. that she has:
*Chitapalooza
*weeds that are out of control in the b'yard
*a flower pot that dumped over because of the wind
* tree limbs down because of a rainstorm
*her dog looks so wooly and needs grooming
*dog needs special foods/treats
*dog is sick
*she's out of _______________
*she had bad dreams and woke up disoriented
You name it, the list goes ON AND ON AND ON AND ON .. as to what the dilemma is, . is how it's gone.
And yes, I've asked her, .. "why do you share that, you know her . she's gonna fire up the army and get everyone hopping if you tell her, you know how she is .. why do you even tell her".
MIL: "Well I don't have anything really to do anymore, I sit here at this kitchen table every day and look out the window at the b'yard .. I don't go anywhere, do anything . I don't have anything interesting to talk about .. I just happen to mention just in making conversation that I had a bad dream/the dog needs _____, I have a sore throat, ........... and next thing ya know, she's got one of you hopping .. I wish she wouldn't do that .. I wish she would leave you guys alone".
This is how it goes.
How much is she "with it" enough to actually live it .. and have any realization and recognition around .. "If I tell her, she's gonna mobilize someone to come this way . maybe I'll shut my mouth".
I don't know that she is all that "with it" to be able to do just that.
YD missed her g'ma (as she put it) and so their first day back here, YD made her way out there to stop in for a visit.
YD talking to DD ...
YD: "MIL just can't get over whatever it is that's happened to Flighty C .. that she never hears from her anymore .. that she just doesn't know what's happened . she just chews on that and chews on it .. she can't understand what's happened to Flighty C".
DD: "Flighty C .. probably is ducking for cover from SIL .. SIL . she doesn't seem to have any recognition for the fact that just because she is someone that will jump and run for someone in need .. maybe others aren't built that way .. maybe Flighty C was bothered and harangued to the ends of the earth by SIL . til she finally decide to just disappear .. I'm betting that's what's happened to Flighty C"
YD: "Yea .. I dog sit for Flighty C on occasion when she and her husband are heading out of town .. she's never mentioned having any problem with SIL or MIL . maybe she just is polite and doesn't talk about it .. but I know .. she probably found herself saying . *damn, I didn't buy this house next to this aged woman to now take on geriatric care .. wth* .. she probably just doesn't wanna be bothered. That and you know MIL . she doesn't know when to shut up . you remember Flighty C .. so wanted a baby and found out she can't get pregnant .. because of her health problems and so that was devastating to them . and she'd shared that with MIL . you know MIL . she doesn't know when to shut up . she probably kept on at that issue . til Flighty C just didn't wanna hear it anymore".
I didn't chime in on this conversation going on between DD and YD .. I just let them talk.
I did find it all interesting. Flighty C, those of you who have followed all of this . was said to be part of this supposed B'S team that DH and SIL supposedly formed at the juncture of SIL leaving MIL yet again and fights here on this front, between me and DH on that topic ..
There was to now be a team .. Flighty C next door, among the team (a team that never did come to fruition and I could've predicted same).
Flighty C of that team . a young person .. maybe early to mid thirties .. and works f/t .. and she and her husband a wide swath of friends they party with routinely . having huge parties at their house .. and/or going to parties . going out of town a lot (thus YD called to dog sit for her on occasion).
Flighty C .. very friendly, bubbly, gregarious sort ..
I'm sure .. in passing .. SIL . might've said to her, .. "gee, I'm gonna be flying home next week, do you think maybe if I need something I could text you .. maybe that way mother can have some help from neighbors".
I'm sure Flighty C answered like most of us would, "oh sure".
Not knowing that SIL will hound her to the ends of the earth . for every hang nail and other problem that crops up and she soon discovered, .. "Whoa . wait a second .. I mean I can walk over there and bring her trash can in .. or pick up tree limbs, but I'm not gonna be on call here, to the daily need .. for crying out loud" and in finding that out, she has ducked for cover and is nowhere to be found anymore.
In fact, SIL did . along the way comment that she'd reached out to Flighty C . and never gets any response.
Gee, go figure.
I don't routinely communicate with SIL any longer, in fact, not much with MIL either.
In fact, I have blocked her ability to text me, and it will remain so. She can email me if she wishes and I may or may not respond. She know my phone nos, but never calls ..
And DH with his sometimes hand wringing of "poor poor SIL" .. at the fact she has this burden she wears on her shoulders every minute of every day .. and now nixing any ability to live her own life .. and poor poor SIL.
I don't feel that way. I do understand what a huge/enormous burden all this is. Keenly I understand it.
BUT ........................
She has choices. That's how I see it. But I look thru a prism that shows there are choices. She and DH .. I guess look thru a prism that directs their mom won't hear of any placement .. without much despair and sadness . and so .. they don't wish to direct things in that path ..
So .. SIL .. yes, wears this heavy/enormous burden of her daily life.
DH even said the other day (I didn't argue with him, pointless) .. "If I were retired like SIL . I'd take this on . .and she wouldn't have to do it all .. ".
My thoughts that I didn't speak .. "you mean, .. aside from your orphaned boys at church and your hunting and your other church obligations right?".
I didn't say it, .. pointless. He's not retired. He can "say" all day long that he'd do this and take this off of SIL and her having to do this 24/7/365 .. say it all day long.
He's not retired . and .. he doesn't have the proclivity to do it .. he just doesn't.
But he does lament his poor sister's plight that her life now relegated to that of geriatric care.
I do answer to that, .. "she has choices".
Usually no response.
My dad and his wife and her dementia.
The problem this week . not a huge one .. dad slated for a cardio appt .. and I don't think . just from what I gather talking to him . and visiting him . that he's all that keen on her driving him around either. I know I'm not real happy about it, but also very much aware that's his decision, not mine.
I had tried .. repeatedly to get him to let me drive him. I don't think he's opposed .. however .. the consternation that would bring about in his world .. from a wife who is .. at the core of everything else, .. *old school* and wives take care of their husbands .. she's from the 50's and still there. And so anyone impinging on what is her's to do .. and always has been, is stepping into her territory and it isn't taken well.
And we all know, I'm pretty much of an outsider.
In one specific phone call to my dad, "Hey dad, .. I don't mind a bit coming to get you for that appt .. not a problem .. but I'm gonna let you take the lead on how best to navigate that with the issues faced in stepmom, you tell me what you want me to do .. I'll come over there and elbow my way around if that's what you want . .or I'll stay out of it, or I'll try to persuade her, . .what do you think?".
His answer; "Tell ya what, . why don't we do this . maybe put in a call to SS (Stepsister) . she seems to have a better handle on dealing with her mom . and so why don't you maybe get a word out to her, . and see what she has to say".
Okay, I'll do that.
Did so.
In talking to her some . the long and short on the above dilemma . she'd go take dad to the doc appt this week. Asked if that's gonna create a dust up between she and her mom . .answer, "yea more than likely, won't be the first or the last though, I'm used to it .. I can tangle with her a whole lot easier than you can, not a problem".
Asked of her, "Well it wasn't my intention in calling you that .. you now hop and run to be of service there . .what do we do going forward here, I don't mind helping out . but I am just stumped as to how to get around your mom .. I don't wanna create in my dad's world a whole lot of friction and discord .. and that's precisely what would happen".
SS: "Yea you're right, it would .. I don't know . with this dementia .. she's gotten so . so controlling . it's like .. I don't know a whole lot about Dementia .. I'm having to play catch up here . and learn it .. but it's like the person can feel they are losing their grasp of things .. and so they reach out and try to control EVERYTHING . and so that's kinda where she is .. ".
She went on to explain and I concur .. .dad will get past this back surgery thing and will begin getting stronger and be able to drive himself around . in time . and he will also be more suited in the coming weeks as he gets stronger, to deal with the mental frailties of his wife . and what the path forward in all that is. I concur .. and so we can stumble thru here temporarily.
But on that topic of her mom's dementia .. my question to her: "has this been formally dx'd . is she on some medication for it . I know there are meds that can help with the symptoms . won't cure it .. but can help .. has she been formally dx'd".
SS: "Are you kidding me?!?!??! no. She hides all this from her doctor . she won't discuss it . not with me, not with your dad . not with her sisters .. .she won't even address it ............. h377 she needs to be on something for her anxiety which is off the damn charts . but she won't even discuss that with her doctor. Dorker I have to hide from her that I take an antidepressant . .she comes undone if I say anything . .that's all poison . all that stuff they give you .. you don't need to be taking that .. you are poisoning yourself with that stuff .. I can't even tell her I take
I can't even tell her I take an anti depressant daily .. she comes unhinged over that. She's so old school she comes from the day that people who have depression are just mentally ill . there is only one classification to her of mental health and that's the crazy people they used to haul off in a straight jacket and lock em away . she just is in that era . and stuck there . no .. she hasn't been dx'd with dementia she won't even go to her doctor much less be honest with them".
That brought forth some dialogue between she and I that dad may need to circumvent some of that . and go to the doc himself, via email or whatever route and she agrees. But both of us on the same page, that for right now, dad his own wagon to pull in his own frailties.
I didn't say it to her .. it's kinda beside the point.
But now I'm curious myself. What does one do . if their loved one is clearly diminished mentally and they themselves are struggling to manage the person and their diminished mental state . yet said person won't go to the doctor at all, and if they do . they damn sure cover it up and don't address it.
That must be a common denominator in folks beginning to experience some diminished mental capabilities..they don't wanna address it.
I won't be taking the bull by the horns by any stretch . this is not my spouse, not my mom . she has a spouse in my dad . she has a daughter.
My dad . his frailties .. they will see some improvement in the coming weeks . and his mind is fully intact .. and so .. he will be better able to manage his own life and comings and goings .. and .. better able to manage her in fact ..
But what does one recommend to someone who is dealing with a loved one who won't address their .. what is .. obviously .. dementia or some variation thereof.
My mom has struggled with mental health issues for years and now dementia on top of that. Long story short, for years she was non-compliant with diabetes regimen, to the point that she was hospitalized and in a diabetic coma which required emergency dialysis and rendered her insulin dependent. Since the coma back in 2011, mental health issues have gotten progressively worse, as well as worsening memory and cognitive functions. For years still after, more compliant with insulin but much less compliant with psych meds, her calling police during paranoid episodes, numerous hospitalizations in regular and psych hospitals, until it finally necessitated me getting guardianship, after much family drama involved and getting her out of an abusive situation. She has medication management now by nursing staff at the facility where she lives, which ensures compliance with proper dosage, etc. But it's been a long road to get there. She had no POA or spouse prior though, which made it harder to get her the help she needed. In absence of a designated representative, many times families and loved ones have to wait for a crisis or hospitalization of some kind for them to be able to get treatment for a loved one that is non-compliant.
Many of us on these site are dealing with comorbid family dynamics--that sounds awful, but it's the best word: we've got our own nuclear family and then we have our SO's family too. Plus our "own family".
Sometimes stuff comes up in BOTH at the same time and you find yourself running ragged trying to get all the duckies lined up and somehow find time for ourselves and OUR families.
You cannot do diddly squat for MIL. Maybe it's time to just quit even talking about her with DH et al. YOU be like Flighty C (And why the heck was SHE EVER asked to be a part of this poorly planned "team". She's a spacey neighbor. Of all the characters in this play, she ranks up there in importance with the cranky airport security guy)...SIL will twirl and whirl and waste mountains of time trying to establish MIL's life in FL and nothing, not a single thing will change. You know that.
She'll NEVER EVER EVER agree to living anywhere but her own home. No point in even trying to get her to change her mind, she won't, ever, no matter the inconvenience to others--she doesn't SEE it as being an inconvenience. It's what SHE wants and that's the end of the story. All you can do is wait for her to fall or have a health crisis to land her in the hospital and then maybe you can get that "endangered elder" title slapped on her and maybe then y'all can make some forward progress. Until then, absolutely nothing will happen.
As far as your family--you're just starting to come back into the picture, so you need to move carefully. Don't get overloaded on that--I get the feeling your input is not so welcome--so be careful. Hopefully you can be helpful without getting overwhelmed.
I have the same problem as you have: I see a need and I step in and before I know it, I am hip deep in muck, trying to dig myself out and save the person I'm helping--I've come to understand, the hard way, the some people will accept help on a short term, hit and miss situation, be grateful and then stand on their own. Others grab on to you like a life jacket and don't let go. Worse, they pull you under with them. You end up practically hating the one who hangs on you. I am just digging my way out from a situation like that. I HATE that I got so involved. If I think about it for long, I get just furious again--at myself for being such a patsy and for the woman I was "helping" for using me so blatantly.
I hope you can completely stay out of the CG role with MIL and that you find a healthy dynamic in helping care for your dad.
I will carve out a spot for me, in my dad's hemisphere . and offer to help him . in the coming weeks as he recuperates .. and it will be declined .. as it always has been.
But .. getting into the woods with it all, . and sorting thru as to his wife (stepmom) and her issues .. unless he asks .. as in .. "I don't know what to do with her" .. I'm staying out of it.
My only advice should he ask .. would be to get with her doctor, on the sly . write a letter, email, .. whatever.
If I've learned one thing thru the trials with MIL's saga . it's set some boundaries and stick to them, firmly.
All made up of course, but you can cite me as your experienced friend who knows all the ends and outs and who had to fight to get her mother's payments straightened out.
Do you suppose Dorkers head finally exploded?
It's been rather quiet. Last week, I was still hacking my head off coughing and thought it best to keep a distance from the MIL scene. That has improved.
Saw them on Saturday night, when we all met to go out to dinner, visited in that setting. Seems MIL's mind these days is overwrought with her 94 yo sister and the sister's husband's plight in VA. The sister's husband .. has gone from just a really frail old man also 94 .. to full blown dementia .. and they have placed him in Hospice care. The sister is also 94 . and unable to get around much .. and that whole scene. That seems to be what MIL is focused on these days. Wringing her hands and such.
The only blip on the radar has been the saga of poochy having chewed up a shoe of MIL's. This is highly unusual in that poochy, .. hasn't chewed up anything since he was a puppy and that was a LONG TIME AGO. This problematic in that, .. MIL has only one pair of sandals she can wear .. with her elephant like swollen feet/ankles. This is FL .. we wear sandals . year round. Her's .. a special kind .. that have straps and buckles and so forth that can be loosened and tightened as the need occurs. This . this pair of shoes, he chewed up one of the shoes.
I got a bit of a chuckle out of this .. on the sly . only because SIL will need to fire up that hamster wheel in full pursuit of replacement of these "special" sandals.
Most of us . if something happens to our favorite pair of shoes .. or in MIL's case .. it's her ONLY .. pair of sandals at least (because of her ever swollen feet . hard to find anything suitable) .. we'd run off to the nearest dept store, find something else suitable and we'd be on our way. Not gonna be the case with this situation.
MIL's ever swollen feet/ankles .. that SIL touted so .. while in IL . was absent . the edema gone in that setting (gee, I wonder why .. maybe she was taking her meds as rx'd .. could that be it .. ???.....nah ... of course not) . .but SIL running that one up the flagpole routinely while in IL . that the edema no longer an issue.
So of course, my hearing that her favorite pair of sandals now ruined .. and I'm thinking .. yea okay so run on out to the dept store up the road and get a replacement pair of sandals .. she no longer has that nasty edema to deal with . shouldn't be an issue at all.
Not gonna be the case.
If it were me, I'd be looking at that specific sandal . that I knew she liked, that I knew fit her .. and I'd be looking online . and find another pair .. have em shipped, .. done. SIL won't do it that way .. she'll cart her frail old mom to every store in a 100 mile radius . and looking for a specific shoe .. and dragging alone her mother, . who can't go but to one place, if even that, . and she's done for . has to go home .. too tired to continue on.
Fire up that hamster wheel full tilt and get on it and RUN like the dickens SIL.
This kinda thing would've at one time, landed on my radar .. via directive from afar.
That was the only thing that had cropped up in the week since they've returned.
Until yesterday .. and this one confounds me.
We had DD and family over for dinner yesterday. DH looking at his phone asks me, "Did you see this .. about B's sister?".
Me: "See what?".
DH: "Sister texted both of us .. I don't know how you didn't see it .. B's sister in St. Louis .. has a brain tumor .. she forgot to tell us about it .. that she's really not doing well at all, and had to be hospitalized again .. that they're all worried about her, it's B's oldest sister".
((I'm done telling them .. how dense are these people ...???.... I HAVE BLOCKED SIL'S ABILITY TO TEXT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)))
That isn't evident to the person that texts .. they don't get notified .. by the carrier, 'the person you are trying to reach has blocked your number'. It just goes into oblivion somewhere. Her texts that she
Her texts that she apparently thought it suitable to include me .. never arrived on my phone. I've blocked her ability to text me. I've said it .. and I'm done saying it.
I didn't respond when DH then had now explained this text.
DD then chimed in: "okay here we go .. she's setting the stage that she and B will now need to depart for St. Louis and leave granny . .. here we go".
DH then looking up from his phone .. and a deer caught in the headlight look on his face, .. and responding to DD: "Your mom and I have said all along, all it's gonna take is a hiccup somewhere . that's it .. and they'll be off .. and leaving mother".
I didn't chime in at all, on this conversation. The subject soon changed .. and that was the end of that.
Asked DH this morning: "Did you ever reach out to your sister to extend your concern about B's older sister?".
DH: "No".
Me: "That'll be next .. we'll hear that they need to head to St. Louis to go see about his older sister".
DH: "She better not".
Me: "When I called there on Saturday to firm up plans for us to all meet at dinner that night .. your sister couldn't talk, because she was washing your mom's hair .. she has to now even do that for you mom .. she can't even do that anymore .. she think she can go off and leave her to manage ...???".
DH: "She has to do E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G .. for mom .. everything .. mom can't do anything anymore .. if B needs to go to St. Louis to see about his sister, then fine .. get him on a plane .. but she can't go".
Me: "Have you communicated that to her, or have either of you talked about that contingency and what to do about your mom".
DH: "No".
Me, walking away .. done talking about it, parting shot as I walk away: "These are the perils that one runs into in taking on the care of someone who refuses to discuss placement anywhere for their care".
That was the end of it .. no more dialogue .. I had walked away.
I hate living with the ... uneasiness of the not knowing .. I hate it. The not knowing .. will SIL then put out word that she has to go .. and then there is a supposed "team" that will step up to the plate (yea right, B/S .. there never has been any team and there never will be). I hate living with that uneasiness.
The knowledge that should that little explosion then crop up .. it will be answered to by me: "Well I hope you guys worked out a plan for your mom . this doesn't then necessitate that I'm stepping in DH .. B's sister and her health issues don't usurp .. her mother .. period .. not in any one's hemisphere .. they don't .. so .. I hope you guys have a plan".
And as we all know, there is no such thing in their worlds .. a "plan". Never is.
And then it'll be right back to the "For CHRISSAKES DORKER .....................".
I hate it .. the uneasiness of living that.
Almost makes me want to put in a call to SIL: "Gee, sorry to hear about B's oldest sister .. I'm sure if he needs to go to St. Louis .. that will need to happen .. shame you can't go .. but your mom's care is paramount .. more than his sister for sure".
Just to let her know .. that I'm on that page .. and if she isn't .. she better get there, fast.
But I'm also wanting to stay out of it.
I don't suggest anything anymore, that which makes perfect sense to me, .. in this realm . it seems to fall flat no matter what the suggestion is.
Be strong, Dorker. I think you're right to just stay out of it. Just, "No, I can't do that" anytime they start with, "Can't you just....?" "Nope, I'm sorry, I can't, she's your mom."
Anyhoo - sounds to me like Poochy is protesting.
I imagine he's thinking “WTH? What are we doing back here? I LIKE it in Illinois- where no one forgets to feed me and that sweet man takes me out for walks everyday and slips me bits of lunch meat. Chit! Now we’re back here and they will leave again - like they always do. And, I’ll be stuck in the house again - alone with HER. I love her - I really do - but it was so nice having been looked after properly these last few months...(dog sigh)”.
Yep. Even Poochy knows SIL is
just biding her time until she can find a “legitimate” excuse.
Poor dog.
Hey Dorker:
Don't know if you got the text I sent the other day about B's oldest sister. Sounds like some serious health issues have cropped up .. perhaps fatal. She was hospitalized with what was originally thought to be a stroke, but it turns out she has a tumor on her brain on both sides of her brain in fact. They are doing a biopsy to determine if it's cancerous but it doesn't sound good at all ... and she is now unable to use the left side of her body and can't speak any longer. It's thought this may not be anything she can survive. Just looking here at the fact B may need to go to her funeral if things turn in that direction and I will need to go with him, not sure about the logistics of all this. Damn, we didn't even bring funeral clothes or winter coats here .. may need to fly home to IL and then drive to St. Louis or fly . to go to the funeral. Trying to figure out how to work all this out if it happens and then what about mom???? We will probably need some help with her if we end up needing to make this quick and sad trip.
Here is how I responded:
I'm sorry to hear about B's sister .. I will keep their family in our prayers and please let B know we're sorry.
Just as a reminder, .. per our conversation previously, I have stepped away from any role as c'giver . You'll need to work with your brother, as best you can, on whatever arrangements need to be made.
((I am absolutely furious. What part of I am out of all this did she not get in our previous conversation. I DO NOT SUPPORT the arrangement she has in place, in that she will care for her mom *as long as she can and then whatever* (her words) . I DO NOT SUPPORT IT ........... and so this is the peril of that as a lack of any decisions .. you get to now figure out what to do about "mom" .. in the event of family need on the other end. And no . that does NOT equate to my stepping into the fray. I am livid))).
BTW .. FWIW this email arrived while I was over visiting my dad .. who is progressing about as well as can be expected. But his biggest problem . other than weathering recuperation himself . is the isolation of living with his wife whose mind is slipping .. and no ability to escape it himself .. sans a visit from a smiling face (me).
Oh I am furious.
So now will come the "FOR CHRISSAKES DORKER" . wait for it.
I must say, I am furious at SIL as well! I wonder, did she email you before she called/texted/emailed DH?
I'd give DH the number of two or 3 facilities that do respite. Tell him SIL can have her daughter overnight clothing to St. Louis.
You’ve done well not responding to her request!
This is what happens when one person insists on doing it all with no backup plan. SIL still thinks she can guilt the imaginary team into action.