I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
If they want something, they will ask. Allow the siblings to work on their relationship without your interference. You have your own worries. You are doing an amazing job!
I learned many years ago that this was brought on by change of altitude and also stress (what ISN'T brought on by stress?)Or a bad cold.
A very simple maneuver called the Eppley maneuver will usually shift those crystals back into the ear canal fluid. Likely that is all the doc is doing, but with this family---a sneeze is dengue fever.
Not getting enough sleep will get mine going, too.
Dorker--how hard it is to have that innate desire to serve and care--and know that if you put one toe back into the soup, you'll be expected to stir it for the rest if MIL's life.
Go ahead and do a meal, but don't go with DH. That seems off, I know, but it may help to solidify the words you've been shouting off the freaking roof. I AM NOT A PART OF THIS CIRCUS.
I agree with Rovana-anything you do will be interpreted as humbly crawling back into the fray--and you need to guard those boundaries.
Too bad DH doesn't have the cojones to tell his mother "You are literally killing SIL. Literally. You are selfish and self centered and that is now going to change." Like my DH, you would have to be prodding him with hot pokers to even get him to admit that maybe she's asking a bit too much. Sons of Narcississts--we hadn't gotten quite that far in my Psych classes.
I'm glad I went. It was just .. (as if I needed it) .. more solidification in my mind, but more importantly in DH's mind .. that MIL CANNOT LIVE ALONE.
DH even remarked about it on our way home.
MIL got choked . badly .. on a spoon of honey. SIL had sat the honey out, . if any one wanted some. MIL did . she wanted a spoonful. It got hung up so badly in her throat that she was choking. So much so . it was scary. I thought we were gonna have to call 911.
I'm not glad she choked so badly . it was horrible and frightening. But it was a prolonged process .. of watching all that .. and she just couldn't work that honey down . into her digestive system . it got hung up in her throat (as happens with old folks when they eat something thick . like honey), . and a spoonful of it. She was wheezing trying to breathe .. nothing was working .. coughing .. literally trying to throw up even .. just to get it up. It was awful and scary.
FROM HONEY!!
DH remarked on the way home ... "What would happen if she was there by herself .. and got that choked it . she'd die . that's what".
I agree.
And then, . .DH also witnessing the following.
After dinner, .. SIL then gets the pill vials out (B's as well as MIL's) that had . prior to our eating . been a part of the table setting. Sets those out for each (poor SIL that she has to be the nurse to all this, literally). She gets the pill vials out and sits them each in front of B and in front of MIL reminding them to take their meds.
B dutifully did so .. MIL did not. That malingered on for a while . more reminder from SIL . .. "mother take your pills", gets ignored .. more malingering and not taking the meds . kitchen now cleaned up . moving on to the den, to converse . and MIL still hadn't taken her pills . and more reminder from SIL.
DH seeing all this (thank you .. GOD .. that he is seeing it) ..
Finally SIL walks over to the pill vials and opens it . MIL's and begins getting out the pills for this dosage of this time of day and MIL arguing .. "I don't want to take them". Her arguing back . and .. and SIL then saying, "Well you HAVE TO TAKE THIS ONE", and sets it on the table and MIL response of "What is this, I don't even know what this is".
"Mother it's your Elliquis . you have to take it".
I didn't chime in . I just observed . but that's the very pill she failed to take when SIL wasn't present, up in IL . having been hospitalized .. and in a couple of days MIL in the hospital herself with a mini stroke.
On the way home from there .. DH . remarking .. on the above, with her having choked, but then chiming in . .. "and what was that with her, with the meds .. WTH .. what would happen if sister wasn't there forcing that?".
Me: "Same thing that happened in IL . she wouldn't take it . and she'd have another mini stroke, or worse".
Hooray that I was there, to see that he saw all this. That it's not just me whistling dixie at the whole saga.
Yes, I agree DH should be putting the skids to all this and telling MIL that she is killing SIL . that SIL needs to not have to wear this whole thing day in and out.
I do feel sorry for SIL in a sense . between looking after her husband . and now MIL too . .it's all a LOT .. a whole lot.
But make no mistake of about it, .. I see it, I feel sorry for SIL . but I've been seeing this . how frail her mom is . and the care she needs. So I'm not at all on any page of . "oh dear well let me step in".
Nope . pour it on her, around her .. and so be it. She has choices .. this is her choice. Not mine.
Just so glad that I was witness to it all.. the whole ongoing saga ... one that DH finally . somehow saw.
MIL I guess just wanted to try the freshly bought and jarred honey, thus a spoonful to taste it.
It did occur to me to ask B about his sister's plight and I purposely didn't bring it up. What do I have to add to any conversation on that issue? I already extended my thoughts. Nothing more to add. Thus I didn't bring it up.
And on the topic of a speech therapist and swallow therapy. MIL definitely needs it. That was awful. I don't know if SIL intends any attempt at the hamster wheel on it. SIL seemed not herself. Much more subdued and quiet than normal for her. Usually flitting about from one thing to the next ....not the case last night.
I know she asked a question that I thought was kinda out of left field (but what elderly person doesn't). DD brought her kids, that includes the twins (19 months old). They are absolutely adorably cute .. and so that was the case last weekend at the restaurant. MIL looking on adoringly .. and said to DD "Do you ever regret having twins?".
Kind of an odd question .. like .. as in .. "do you ever regret buying those shoes?".
Not like DD could answer that with .. "uh . yea .. know anyone that wants em, I'm kinda over it with the whole twin thing".
We all thought that was an odd question, even DD's husband remarked, "Well that's a new one? Never been asked that before".
And when we left the restaurant I helped with getting the kids out and into the parking lot to the car, so I didn't stick around to see how well (or not) MIL is ambulating these days.
So last night, having gone over there for dinner, was the first time since they've been back that there was really any ability to observe it all.
She is .. at least in MO .. so much more frail than when she left here. I know when she left here back in August . .at least at that point, she could (somehow) stand at the kitchen sink .. and wash the few dishes she'd use (she doesn't cook), a spoon, a bowl, a glass.
I doubt seriously she could do that anymore.
Her dog being let in and out, and in and out, and in and out .. that was on us .. she didn't do so not once. I wonder whether she could, if she had to .. I don't think so.
And I know that she told this story 3 x's .. while we were there .. like she hadn't told it before. The story about having talked to her ailing sister who .. wishes she could go on and die, doesn't want to live, .. and the words her sister said to her. Told it 3 x's ..
And then of course, the horrible choking incident.
She seems .. "tired" of SIL and her antics. But who wouldn't be. I know as we finished dinner, .. MIL seated at her perch at the kitchen table .. and we were all done now in the kitchen, moving to the den, to converse. SIL prompting MIL several times to get up now and come to the den .. and MIL not real interested in doing so. SIL then saying to her mom, "Well we're done in here in the kitchen, we've eaten, we've cleaned it up .. we're all in the den, I'm going to the den, you're gonna be in here all by yourself ..".
MIL responding: "I don't care, I've seen you every day for months, I don't need to see you anymore".
SIL having remarked about the choking incident .. her words: "Ya know, I saw you go to do that and I almost stopped you . thinking it might get hung up in your throat and you choke .. I wish I'd of said something".
MIL . now barking thru hoarseness and trying to breathe .. responds: "Ya know, doesn't matter what I do . she's gonna find that I should've done it differently".
Almost seemed like some contention coming from MIL .. aimed at SIL (and who can blame her, but dayummmm .. SIL is working her arse off .. to care for her, how ungrateful can one be). And SIL .. I dunno . she just seemed impervious .. she seemed indifferent, .. almost detached . not her usual self.
Maybe SIL is starting to get depressed by the reality of her situation (that she is the Lone Ranger in this situation and that no one else in her family supports her poor decision making)
Maybe SIL is wearing out (heart/lungs/BP) and will shortly collapse from the rigors of caregiving.
In any event, Dorker, at some point, there will be a call to DH (from SIL or APS or EMS) that he needs to get his tuchis over to his mom's house and take over her care.
Heaven knows SIL embraced The Fantasy longer than (perhaps) anyone reasonably could. And fed the beast by “leaning in” 110% on-site......and maniacal stage-directing off-site.
SIL is rather late to the party, but she’s probably (finally) seeing this fiasco for what it is.
And seeing the (very) limited options for what they really are.
Here’s where it gets tough for a hero/control freak/magpie like SIL: Admitting she was wrong comes with the major baggage. Because SIL’s entire identity is intertwined with The Fantasy.
If and when SIL chooses to act on a tenable solution, (key word: act), she will no longer know who she is.
And in her own weird way, SIL is as vain as MIL.
Get ready, folks. SIL’s grief over the loss of her identity will be a sh*tshow like no other.
time to organize my thoughts and what I’m trying to communicate. I only have a couple minutes before Rainman gets up so... I hope this makes sense.
As I read your first post I got this sinking feeling. Not so much about the choking - old people choke as does everyone from time to time - but it was when you got to the pill part. I swear to God, when you wrote what MIL said it came to me in my mothers voice. Exactly. But this wasn’t a flashback trauma thing it was an “Thats where mil is - she has deteriorated to THAT stage”. It was a weird premonition feeling that mil won’t be here much longer. Maybe in body - but not in personality, manner and spirit. And - I also got “next stop - nursing home”. It’s clear - to me, at least - if it ever was a possibility- AL is no longer possible. I know others have tossed that possibility or impossibility around. But, yep - mil is at the end of the line.
As for Mil being a bit nasty to sil... I expect mil is feeling that anticlimactic feeling that one gets mid morning on Christmas or towards the end of a vacation trip. All the grousing about going home to Florida- and here she is. No magic fairy dust fell from the ceiling as she entered her beloved house. End goal achieved and she’s still old, still feels like chit. Add that into the fact facing of her sisters mortality- and I imagine mil is feeling pretty frickin’ cranky and is very unpleasant to be around. Mil is emotionally and cognitively no long able to keep any of her filters up.
Which brings me to sil. I’m guessing sil is feeling some of that anticlimactic-ness. Sil moves heaven and earth to bring her mother home and guess what? Mil is STILL unhappy, still complaining. I’m thinking that sil expected that once back in Florida they would settle into a warm, golden light and things would be better. It’s not. Plus, sil now has become the target of MILs disappointment, frustration and anger. This is when sil is gonna start to change. Sil is starting to feel some real resentment - for the first time perhaps, directed at her mother. The detachment is sil trying to erect her impenetrable shield. As most of us know - it takes a mighty energy to keep that shield up - you’re gonna start seeing cracks in sil. It may take a while - but sil is at the start of facing some cold, hard facts.
One way or another- it’s just a matter of time now. As is true of all things - but... I do believe this really is the beginning of the end. I expect things will move rather quickly from this point on.
So hang on for dear life, dear Dorker. And - DONT BLINK!!!
Being a caregiver to someone as compromised is hard and now you witnessed MIL voicing displeasure concerning SIL providing care. Downright ungrateful.
Surely, surely, SIL is questioning WHY she is torturing, knocking herself out, yes basically killing herself.
You probably don’t know, but I’ve wondered if the two Russian ladies from whatever service they were from, have been called back to the scene. I can’t remember if SIL suspended the service for the trip to IL or MIL dismissed them.
Not sure how that agency would deem her "need" now that SIL is in attendance/in residence there. Maybe, she wouldn't qualify .. I'm really not sure. But I didn't ask SIL.
I purposely try to avoid any/almost all of it in conversation .. not a damn thing I'm gonna do to step to any of it . and so .. my approach is one of (though I know what my opinions are and they differ from the approach being taken) .. my approach is one of .. "this is what you wanna do SIL ..??....you got it .. who am I to even ask any questions, .. I am completely uninvolved . and thus . won't even ask what services are available or not.
DD .. as to the asinine question from her granny.... DD very aware that her granny's brain ain't what it used to be . .and as such .. didn't let it get to her, but did ask .. after the fact, incredulously .. of those of us attending "DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE ASKED ME?!?!?!?!?".
It's a reach for me .. because I can't possibly know what's in SIL's mind. Maybe it was nothing more than her reeling from having had a bout of Vertigo and weathering that .. and now kinda on the other end of it. Maybe just that, and that alone .. give her a few days and she'll be back to being that spinning top she's always been, bumping into walls in every direction.
Maybe it was more than that .. she did seem rather .. not involved .. detached .. not her usual self.
An example .. the deck .. strewn with leaves .. like a wind storm had come thru . and deposited a pile of leaves everywhere.
Her usual approach would be to get out there, already .. and have it taken care of, having blown it off, swept it all off . already, herself. Or .. have B do it . and if not . she surely would've asked DH if he can come and get that done.
She never even mentioned it .. at all. Not like her to not make note of it.
There was a time, I wouldn't of even thought twice about it .. they'd of found me outside, broom in hand . and getting it nice and tidy without so much as a remark.
Not anymore.
I'm of the camp at this point .. MIL can no longer manage her home at all . and hasn't been able to, it's been heavily depended on that others step to that need.
I'm not part of that "others" any longer.
I will "enjoy" her, . I even mentioned coming to get her at some point, for us to go to her favorite burger place, sometime soon and she responded, "Oh I would so love that, would you please do that soon". Told her I would. And I will .. sometime soon. And not with SIL along .. and that'll likely be just fine with SIL .. who probably could use a quiet moment or three . absent her mom's needs.
I will ... "enjoy" her to some degree and that's it. If the deck gets cleaned off or not .. or much of anything else, it'll be because SIL coordinates it with "others", not me . or does it herself. This is her wagon she designed, she can pull it.
Was noticeable also . that SIL . it didn't even ring a bell with her at all, when MIL repeated 3 x's, as to her sister's latest. SIL never even noted. Likely .. I heard it the 3 x's that we spent any amount of time there. SIL has heard that .. likely 30 x's . like it hasn't been said before.
SIL didn't even look up with any glance of, .. "yea I know, she repeats herself over and over" . she didn't remark, nothing .. didn't weigh in .. and have any opinion . nothing. Not like her.
When we were leaving she talked of a restaurant she and B went to the other day . when the church ladies came to sit with MIL for a while .. she and B had escaped for a little mini getaway (good for them). They had gone to a restaurant that we all used to frequent back eons ago . when
She commented about having gone to "X" restaurant. It's an establishment we used to frequent in younger years, particularly when we were all more inclined to have some nice adult beverages with our meals.
Talked of how much they'd enjoyed going there again. We haven't, any of us . been there for forever.
I told her, this is as we were leaving .. "you and B head that way again, let us know, me and DH will come join ya".
Maybe she got a little taste of life absent .. the care and concern of a frail elderly . and the remembrance that life used to be that way .. carefree and able to go enjoy a nice meal (it's a bit more upscale than what we usually do these days) .. and some libations ..
I dunno . hard to peg it .. maybe she's feeling the results of her choices .. maybe not . time will tell.
Concerning the completely inappropriate question to DD about the twins -
Can it be that mil - in her deteriorating mental capacity and deminishing filters - can it be that she has come to resent the twin babies?
Before you scoff at the thought - consider - can mil be looking at the twins as the catalyst that removed Dorker from MILs care? I’d be willing to wager that long about now mil is tired of SILs hovering and micromanaging - that she has it in her head that sil would return to Illinois and she could be free to be alone again - with Poochy - in her home. As long as Dorker would just get back with the program. Mil would once again “manage”? If it weren’t for those dang twins..?
As well - when DD comes to MILs home - to do her hair or just to visit - do the twins keep dd from focusing her attention where mil thinks it should be - 100% on her. The same holds true with the twins being in attendance during a group meal out. Do people watch the twins adoringly - comment on that adorableness- and focus their attention and conversation on the twins - and not mil?
Normally - normal people wouldn’t feel this way. But remember who and what you’re dealing with.
My mother - in the last couple years of her life - became very resentful of Rainman. My mom viewed Rainman as the obstacle that kept me from being 100% at her beck and call. As well, when I would bring Rainman with me to visit my mom, she became downright surly when my attention would shift from her to Rainman. It got so that unless it absolutely couldn’t be helped - I no longer took Rainman with me when seeing my mother.
Just a thought...
During the reception when I went over to talk to her, she said, "Well, aren't you glad that's over". I didn't take it personally. I think all the hoopla and activity were just too much for her and that was her way of expressing how SHE felt about it. But it amuses me all these years later.
Yes, they should've done just that ... I don't make suggestions or weigh in any longer however. I stay out of it.
I predict he'll get her up somehow (brute force .???..) be back home . and ... we haven't heard the end of this .. whatever it is .. there will be more to come.
We'll see.
As to her remark to DD ... I think we all chalk it up more to the slant of .. "isn't having twins terribly grueling?". She just said it wrong. Yes, it is grueling .. but no, she doesn't regret a single minute of it. It's double the work, but double the joy also as she puts it. I think that's what she was trying to ask .. but just didn't word it right.
To attribute that question to her being snide because the twins were the demise of any Dorker contribution to the scene would be to infer that:
A) She's a lot meaner than I've ever known her to be
B) She has enough ability to connect dots in that whole thing . .and I don't think she does really any longer.
Indeed the twins did signal the departure, in large measure, to my participation in it all .. but I really don't think she even ties the two together. Not that sharp mentally any longer.
She has become a lot, enormously more, self absorbed and lack of any insight as to how it is her plight .. then burdens others . no real awareness of that anymore. But that's not who she was in past years.
Does DD go over there to do her hair .. and then focus on her kids, rather than on granny? Yea .. kinda has to! But .. so does MIL . focus on the kids .. mostly .. as she puts it, "they are so cute .. they're like watching little kittens play .. I could watch them all day".
As to the church ladies arriving so promptly upon their return. We see those specific church ladies .. weekly . sometimes even more frequently. And they are all (it's a small church . maybe a total of 100 members on a good day) .... all of them, all too aware of the MIL plight .. very much so. That includes the church ladies.
They always ask .. most do .. "how is your mother in law (mother)". And as part of just normal conversation . ."oh she's still in IL with sister in law". When it was known . just as normal conversation that she was now coming back (which they thought absolutely a preposterous option to bring her back) they then set in motion . to get on the radar to go see/visit her. That's how that got back on the agenda so promptly.
Yes, I agree . she needs to be in a wheelchair . probably f/t .. but .. I'm not gonna sandpaper a lion's tail and go there. She wouldn't do it.
If I happen to be out with her, .. and she falls . 911 is gonna be my "go to". Bet on it.
We know DH is not on board with calling 911. I am surprised SIL did not want to call 911. But I guess if MIL didn’t want 911 called SIL is honoring her wish?
I know you don’t have any info yet.
Will be interesting to hear DHs take on this.
Couldn't get her up .. upright.
She was sitting okay .. on the sofa ... but just couldn't get up. They tried .. even physically lifting her, but she just couldn't stay up.
Asked them: "Is it just weakness, or do her legs not work?".
Her legs work, she can, if you ask her, lift your left leg, lift your right leg ..
I dunno.
Sounds like she was complaining earlier in the day of some pretty uncomfortable pain middle lower/left belly .. but that went away whatever it was. SIL thought maybe a flare up of diverticulitis .. and so started on a bland diet . in case. She ate .. a little.
Threw up some a bit later (no fever).
Said she'd gone to lay down in the bed, but then summoned SIL to the back . that she needed help . that she'd pee'd on herself, unable to get up to get to the bathroom (UTI?, who knows).
So they got some Depends on her .. and then from there, things went further south .. next thing she was kinda just in a fog . .and out of it .. and unable to get up and not really oriented enough to care about much.
"Mom do you want us to call 911?". Answer a mumbled "I dunno" (not like her, she'd usually adamantly refuse that).
"Mom if we put you back in the bed . are you gunna be able to get up to get to the commode?". Answer, a mumbled, "I dunno"
She was able to tell the EMS personnel her address, .. I guess them checking to see how oriented she is ..??..I dunno.
But anyway she is at the ER at present .. having been hauled there by EMS.
So .. I guess we'll see what the result is.
And .. I'm not there, more importantly .. DH and his sister are there, as it should be!
Like I said “premonition”... “beginning of the end”... and “things will move quickly”...
And here it is - perhaps.
As for my comments regarding mil possibly starting to resent the twins - and Dorker, your response that Mil just isn’t that mean. My mother had been - up until those last couple of years - very caring and compassionate when it came to Rainman. Not like my father, who adored Rainman - babysat as often as I’d let him and would really engage and interact with Rainman - no, not to that degree but my mom clearly loved him.
But - once moms dementia progress to a certain level - that’s when her world became utterly and completely about herself - more than ever before when she could keep the filters up - and anything or anyone who threatened what she wanted for herself - they became the enemy.
Dementia - even in the “cognitive impairment” stage can do awful things to people. As mil continues to decline - don’t be surprised if she gets downright nasty - perhaps just at times - with anyone who threatens what she wants.
Just sayin’...
Do let us know how everything works out tonight. As well - the thought of an UTI crossed my mind when you further described mils behavior after dinner was finished. I know your not in the business of making suggestions any longer - but mil may die of sepsis before any of the usual Brain Trust come to that possibility on their own. So, if no one mentions it and mil continues to act “off” - putting that bug in dh’s ear to pass on to sil would be the compassionate thing to do.
Just my opinion - for what it’s worth.
Rainmon, this sadly feels ominously true. Seems like the start of the downhill cascade. Very similar to my own mother's - The weakness and general collapse was the beginning of the end for my mom. That was the night we both wound up on the floor, as she collapsed on me. Perhaps MIL somehow sensed things to come, and this was part of her urgency to get back to FL and "home". :-(
I'm sorry to hear of the weekend's events. Nothing to do but sit tight and see. Fingers crossed for all three of them.
That leaves B holding the fort at home. Don't get suckered into helping, Dorker! If the pee-stained bed wasn't changed, let SIL call the housekeeper. (I'm assuming B wouldn't be able to manage that without directions...or would he?)
On the topic of SIL being subdued the last time you saw her, I think it's exactly as others suggested -- she is now realizing that her FT caregiving role to MIL is permanent. She must have held out hope that her brother and Dorker (particularly Dorker) would start steppin' and fetchin' to her tune again once she got MIL to FL and she could plan on flying out of there and back to her life in IL.
Since MIL's happiness is the most important thing, SIL and B will remain in FL for the foreseeable future. MIL is just too special to go to a facility. And there won't be any summers off, as there were when she was working. She'll be working much harder as her mother's caregiver than she ever did in her school system job!