I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I'm sure it is never easy for any family to walk this walk, in fact pretty darn grueling.
But others manage to come to terms with and deal with the deficits witnessed in their LO. Everyone but these bunch of keystone cops.
Feels like there has never been, in the history of mankind .. any people more inept, careless, etc.
In an effort to reduce the chance of flying grey matter - I’m gonna attempt reducing the pressure by addressing one topic while I try to string some other thoughts together...
Sooo - dh...
Does dh really think that being busy excuses him from any and all participation? Seriously?
I don’t care that a good portion of that busy-ness is work. Working for a living and supporting his home and family. I really don’t.
Does dh honestly think that he is original in having this problem?
That no one else who has a full time job, needs the money - anyone else who has huge, full time responsibilities of their own - that they haven’t faced those needs and responsibilities AND have had to face participating in an elderly loved ones care? Seriously?
I gotta say I’ve got a pretty chapped backside long about now.
Dh, welcome to the world of elder care!
This site is bursting full of folks who have the same responsibilities, the same hard choices and they still have to act. No shucking it off on to a sister. No shucking it off on to a spouse.
This is exactly why a huge percentage of people are here on this site looking for help.
Is it good? Is it something that should be embraced with open arms? No. It’s a hellish ordeal.
Sometimes it means working a twelve hour day and still swinging by the old folks home afterwards. Sometimes - just sometimes - it means giving up all the discretionary activities in life. Church. Hunting. Lunch with visiting dignitaries. Orphans.
Thing is - if you do it right - face the facts head on - make some tough choices and decisions - the really hard part of it becomes temporary.
Does it become a cake-walk from that point on? Oh, hell no! But with hard choices coupled with boundaries- it can become manageable. Until the fluffy, white cloud rolls in.
Yeah. Welcome to elder care, dh!
I'm just going to leave that there. For me to say what I think about that would get me kicked off this board.
Dorker, I *do* think a do gooder is called for here. Would DD call the rehab and report what she saw as a concerned family member with NH experience? She can even express her frustration with the family not listening to reason.
(There will be quiz at the end of this thread.....)
I am wondering what type of rehab facility this is also. I am understanding it is in no way connected to a Nursing Home. IMO that is appropriate place for MIL to receive rehab. Where staff are set up to deal with compromised elderly folks.
I will just throw this in also, it has been discussed.
Medicaid Beds. We only have one private pay only facility locally. The facility includes, Independant Living, Assisted Living, Skilled Nursing and Memory Care. Very Nice. Very Pricey.
All of our Nursing Homes are a mix of Private Pay and Medicaid Beds. We have no Nusing Homes that are strictly Medicaid Beds.
This May be different State to State.
Unfortunately she was not the one that went there, and found assistance needed with bathing, with menu plan .. toileting, etc. That was DD.
Do DD and YD talk? Yep, and they have. Would YD be one to speak up .. on this whole thing. Not likely .. maybe if the opportunity arose, as .. apparently .. it did with DD .. and her having a word with the nurse there.
DD having expressed that she somehow had the opportunity to speak with MIL's nurse while there (incidentally, language barrier ongoing there, MIL doesn't like that nurse .. because she can't understand her when she speaks .. she's Ethiopian).
But anyway .. DD states that she did get opportunity to speak with that nurse and said to her, some semblance of: "I don't know what you guys have been told, but she is very forgetful . and she just isn't very capable of much .. as to dressing, bathing, toileting . helping herself .. ".
She said the nurse did note that it says in the chart that there is to be an assessment.
But on another front, it does appear some possible movement.
Sounds like DD's long text that she sent to SIL .. and in no uncertain terms that she feels strongly MIL needs to be in a nursing home, got a response from SIL.
SIL stating to DD that she does feel that time has come . and as sad as it is . that she would .. if she could do it .. she'd literally continue caring for her mom, but there are others to consider . .and that her husband doesn't deserve to spend what are his remaining good years .. in this pursuit .. and that he wishes they could travel some .. while he still can. That since she retired in 2013 . that her time has been spent in devotion to her mom's care (I would differ with that .. but whatever).
She said (texted) to DD that she is trying to reach out to the SW .. to begin some discussion on all this . but that it's hard .. she has no voice to talk (even still). And goes on to say .. that she just wishes her mom or that we all, for that matter, had the resources to pay for in home c'giver .. but that isn't possible. Says they can't move here .. don't want to, but not only that .. they wouldn't realize the profit on their home they'd need to, to do so.
Much said by SIL to DD in this text, . but all of it to circle back to, yes the time has come to deal with it.
DD answered back to her auntie .. SIL ... that yes .. she has lost her voice and can't really talk, but that she should text her dad (DH) and tell him to get ahold of them and speak to the SW and both of them .. go in for an appt, and get the ball rolling on all this, and that both of them need to brace themselves .. and go in and talk to her, . .at the same time .. the MIL .. and let her know what's in the offing and get ready for tears and anger, it's coming .. for sure . but .. DD's words, .. "Like a child that cries when you do what is best for them, that they don't like . .same thing here with your mom".
I'm glad DD weighed in, and lo and behold she had an answer to what otherwise seems stymied . in SIL's loss of her vocal chords. Reach out to your brother, he hasn't lost his voice, he can schedule an appt, for crying out loud!!!!!!
Good for her!
One thing I've noticed at my mother's NH is there are some residents who seem to never be left alone by their family (at least during waking hours). I know one woman seems to stay with her mother all day, including feeding her by hand. There are also some paid private duty folks for certain residents. Another woman doesn't leave at night until her mother is asleep.
I wonder if SIL intends for MIL to get this kind of care. If so, she better move down to FL and make it happen.
And I'm still wondering about Poochy, and what the plans are for his care once MIL is in a NH. I know the stated plan is for SIL to keep him.
I also wonder if SIL is going to try and get someone to be with MIL in her house 24/7, like she mentioned. SO MANY problems with that plan!
It will be interesting to hear how the meeting with the social worker goes (when and IF it ever happens).
Her in the Rehab portion.
I doubt this place has any Medicaid beds.
I know when church lady heard where she is (obviously more familiarity on her part as to the varieties of these places) her response to me: oh wow.. that's a really nice place .. hope MIL doesn't think they're all going to be that nice.
I agree she should be more in a NH environment but remember SIL went to great lengths to find the right setting .. one where MIL wouldn't have to be viewing others who are slumped over in wheelchair and otherwise so sad to look upon.
I don't think this is the right setting for her at all.
But .. I don't weigh in anymore
Gotcha. So facility has all levels of care but probably all patients private pay with the exception of Medicare covered rehab.
I was just curious.
I think I typed sounded like MIL was in an appropriate setting. Typo. Probably not in an appropriate setting. But, either way, it is what it is as directed by SIL.
DH and SIL are doing magical thinking overtime - maybe DH thinks the problem will be solved by God taking MIL home. But that happens on God's time, not for DH's convenience. Dorker you've been right all along, but they won't see it until the multi-vehicle pile up finally occurs. You did a good thing by standing back - fact is MIL is NOT safe at home. SIL would have to arrange 3 shifts of caregivers (NOT someone to live with MIL) and be ready to step in when/if a caregiver could not get there on time (or at all). Unless money is truly no object, I believe it would be neglect/abuse if SIL were to take MIL home. And if it were me, at that point APS would be invited onto the scene. No ifs, ands, or buts. Time to call the cops.
This is the kind of thing Lucille Ball's scriptwriters would come up with, and would reject as waay too crazy.
I've been saying this for how many flipping damn years??
But ...
After taking a moment to reason with myself .. this has taken my stepping away entirely .. so that the full gory show was view-able and more importantly .. experienced by all.
I tried vehemently to get the eyeballs on this .. for a long time, and to no avail .. always the mantra .. she will manage, . .we have a team now .. I just want her waning year to be happy ones, as best that can be, it makes her too sad to contemplate placement .. on and on it went.
So .. as I was thinking .. wait a stinkin minute here, DD steps in .. and all of a sudden the tide begins turning, wth?
But .. if reflecting a bit .. it was about six months or so ago .. that MIL was to be carted outta here to IL .. and there in IL .. SIL got a full frontal view of the gory chitapalooza ongoing far too often as well as the rest of the chit show of not taking her meds, .. and on and on it goes.
There, in IL . it was one major calamity after another, . consistently .. and SIL there on site .. to deal with it all, vs what was the ongoing case for far too long, her swoop into town for a 3 week stay and dance on her fingertips .. and then waltz away again to her life .. and DH to his life always .. through and through, and Dorker left with the chit show ...
So .. it has been .. I mark it at around the time of the birth of the twins, who are now 20 months old .. as the beginning of the end of this whole chit show and my participation in it all.
It has taken 20 months . and some of that 20 months was SIL doing it all, under her roof . that has finally brought about this whole turn .. a turn that was sorely needed long ago.
Folks who sound the first bell are often ignored. I doubt anyone in your family is ever going to say "wow, that Dorker, she was so smart; she called it!".
I've told this story before but it bears repeating; my dad had chronic leukemia, which causes your immune system to be quite surpressed. At one point, he got dxed with a terrible fungal infection of his sinuses. His docs told my mom this would likely kill him. Mom called me, upset, sobbing.
I sat at work and thought about what I might do. I called my kids' pediatrician, the smartest doc I knew and told him about the dx and asked what HE would do.
He thought for a minute and asked where my dad had first been worked up. (It was MSK, in NYC). He said, call the oncologist at MSK and ask if there's a clinical trial going on.
Did so, and there was. Talked to the onco doc, who asked for tissue samples. I called my mom and brother and brother drove the samples from the 'burbs to NYC.
My mother, bless her, always referred to this as "the time your brother saved your father's life".
We all just rolled our eyes everytime she said it.
Sometimes, it just needs to be enough that YOU know that you did the right thing.
I'm of two minds here:
You stay the heck away and fume...or
You call or visit the Rehab place and get the ear of the appropriate soul who is In charge'. Shocking, I know, but MIL is NOT their greatest nor sickest patient. And she was just admitted, And they are just now beginning to get a bearing on her.
Luckily, SIL cannot talk and hopefully she will not be able to do for some time.
I don't get why DH doesn't want anyone to "see" how bad his mom is..he's kind of back to the beginning, over and over. She's stable, so in his mind, she's "fine", so why rock the boat?
DD's being involved to the nth degree when she simply when to wash and set MIL's hair, only to wind up doing a full monty shower (I had to do that once with Mother and I think I was wetter than she was! Her NH was THRILLED to off that job to ANYONE else).
Somebody needs to face to face with the SW at the Rehab and tell the dirty truth. Whether it's you or DD (hate to see her more involved) or DH (I can't imagine that)....but darn soon somebody needs to bring the rehab center up to speed. I know when mother was in a cruddy one, it took all 5 of us sibs saying the same darn things to get them to sit up and listen. That and a quick call from my "attorney". (My son who is an attorney and is really kind of scary, TBH).
Sounds like MIL is WAAAAAAAAAAAY more compromised than initially thought. She can't figure out to toilet herself? Something we do in our sleep--fussing with the furniture, refusal to call nurses...she's not "rehabbing" at all, She's existing.
If you do decide to be the "badguy" and I would not judge you for it--stop and buy a 5 lb box of the BEST CHOCOLATES you can find and take them with you along with a generic card thanking the staff for caring for "Mrs. so and so"...and leave it on the counter, Sadly, I found that this semi-sneaky thing got mother better and quicker care. MIL doesn't need to know. Honey rather than vinegar, y'know.
I fear that you have a window open for a couple of days and that's it. SIL will recover, MIL will not have had that cog eval and then SIL will be back 24/7, hanging out and being, well, SIL. And then everything will grind to a halt.
MIL wants to go home. I want to do a backflip on the tramp for my gkids. We all want stuff we can't have. I've accepted my backflip days are over.
I truly am beyond even knowing what to say. This bunch of clowns is amazing. I don't watch soap operas (do they even have them anymore?) but this is so reminiscent of the days I was addicted to "Young and Restless". I was 15.
This is more like "Old and Clueless."
Hang in there---things are changing, and hopefully with more info flowing into the rehab center that helps to establish a baseline--you may get an appropiate placement for MIL. And a permanent one.
Everybody at mother's NH thought she was a little dolly, until she got mad at me and screamed at me and threw that bedpan. Sadly, it was witnessed by her roomie and one of the staff. Turned her baseline info from "acquiescent and calm" to "little hellion". (Not really--just, someone witnessed her being "her" and things got real, fast.
At first, when reading about all this particular rehab ISN’T doing - I have to admit my first thought was “This place may be posh but they certainly don’t seem to pay much attention to their patients needs”. Then - as I was showering Rainman two different - but related - trains of thought chugged through my mind:
First - I recalled the rehab my father spent five weeks in and three years
later, three weeks for my mother. I got to know the place pretty well.
The rehab was was set up like an old wagon wheel. The nurses station was in the middle and five long hallways ran out like spokes of the wheel.
One hall that visitors entered from and had the PT rooms and the dining room - the other four halls were segregated. People
recovering from surgery- who were people on the younger side - and the other three halls were older folks based on ailment and mentality.
Im betting that hidden away somewhere in this posh facility campus are the dreaded “slumped over in their wheelchair” population.
And - I’m betting that rovana has it exactly correct in guessing that while in the hospital sil stretched the truth regarding MILs abilities- or lack there of- to ensure mil wasn’t placed among the “slumped” individuals.
I imagine the conversation between sil and the hospital SW went a bit like:
Sil: “When we were in Illinois the hospital there wanted to place my mother in a completely inappropriate rehab. All the patients were so sick, so unaware and slumped over in their wheelchairs. It was so sad and depressing that we just couldn’t have mother there. My mother just isn’t like that”.
Hospital SW: “I understand what you’re saying. However, based on our observations of your mother while she has been here - she really needs to be in a setting where she can be fully supported with her ADL’s. Your mother is incontinent, can not walk without assistance - in fact has to be cued to remember to use her walker, will not shower and has to be reminded and fully prompted to take her medication - and in fact, questions the medication in spite of having been prescribed them for years.”
SIL: “Oh well, THAT. All of THAT is because of the UTI. You must know how a UTI effects these older folks. Yes, mom has some minor balance issues - but none of THAT is really a problem when she is well - no UTI.”
So mil winds up in the rehab population that is able to function independently.
Thought Train #2: SiL has done mil and everyone else a disservice in her attempt to keep her mother away from The Sad and The Slumped.
I get why SiL did what she very likely did. At first, with Rainman- I use to do the same thing when it came to his school placement. In technical IEP speak they call it “least restrictive environment”. Meaning the student must be placed at the highest functional level appropriate for him. Even if they are the lowest functioning kid in the room.
It it took me a few years to understand that I was doing Rainman a disservice. That Rainman had little understanding of what was going on around him. The academics - forget about it. As well, the student to assistant ratio was higher so in the long run Rainman received very little attention. I suppose my reasoning at the time was that I didn’t want Rainman to catch the retarded by being in a lower functioning peer group.
Any of this sound familiar as it relates to Mil? You bet. In the end, is this hurting mil? Yep - that too.
So mil sits alone in her room - peeing the bed, not eating, not showering but staying laser focused on moving a chair.
Yes - it took me a couple years to see the mistake I was making with Rainmans schooling. Sil and mil clearly don’t have the time for that learning curve. I guess, I’m just surprised that SiL - with all that school social worker experience she has under her belt - that she wouldn’t be making this particular mistake.
Sigh.
The rehab - this isn't their first rodeo with this kind of thing. Usually they know what's next, and it is often the family that must be made to see the inevitable. Nothing much went on over the weekend beside initial adjustment and weekend helpers, but it will likely be down to business today, and the rest of the week.
In my mom's case, the medicare covered rehab did go on the full covered time, but much of it was simple learning of the new, required skill sets, such as cleaning while sitting in a chair, safely getting up and down into the bed... The rehab people are trained, I think, to take everyone as far as they can safely go, and to strengthen what they can, and to assess what is needed. They may recommend an "occupational therapist" to teach the new skills required to exist with her current condition. Sounded silly when they ordered that for my mom, but it turned out to be very helpful. And she did acquire some new habits just by the repetition. They even continued medicare covered rehab for a week after she was moved to a AL/NH facility.
In any other family you could and should dump 100% of the responsibility onto the adult children, who, in most cases, would ACT appropriately.
As you have noticed, SIL and DH do NOT work as a team, in fact, work kind of at odds with each other, if they communicate at all.
And just MIL won't be the only one affected....by association, SIL's sweet hubby gets the short shrift, Dorker gets chewed out for NOT offering to do more, even the daughters get involved. The problem is, NOBODY'S driving this bus. Nobody has given the "driver" any salient info. Like MIL's complete lack of ability to function on a "normal" basis--cause SIL Is always there, talking FOR her, instead of letting an evaluation happen. (It's just a UTI, right? Just a UTI?).
MY DH is basically almost completely deaf. He had some health problems last summer and we were int and out of the hospital several times. He could NOT hear what was being said. I could. Finally, I took an ER doc out in the hall and told him that DH was about 80% deaf and wasn't computing what they were saying to him. A "HOH" (hard of hearing) label was placed on his chart and everyone made sure to look at him when speaking to him. W/o my "butting in" he would have been in the ER every time his heart skipped a beat.
Dorker can and will do what she feels is best. She's living it. She knows the dynamics of this bus. It's by no means "hitting on all cylinders".
Had a call this afternoon from DD .. almost whispering .. her kids napping ..
Seems she'd been working this angle, in much dialogue with SIL and with SIL's daughter M, during the day.
Accdg to her, .. "this is happening mom .. it's time ... it's sad . it's gunna be gut wrenching .. but it's time . it's past time .. this is gonna be so horrible, granny is gonna be heartbroken .. but .. SIL is on that page .. and M is pushing her, so worried about her mom and her dad .. with the toll this is all taking .. SIL is on that page .. dad is on the page, . sad as it is .. it's going to happen".
Oookay.
So then .. here it comes from DD: "Now I have a favor to ask of you, and it's me, you can talk to me .. tell me what you think . .it's huge and I know that and you can tell me no, it's me .. we need all the help we can get to get thru this . .and your expertise . your ability to look things up and get to the nitty gritty on things . is bar none .. the best .. we so badly need you in this .. is there ANY WAY possible that you could help .. would you consider it?".
Me: "What kind of help"
DD: "well .. I mean .. if it hadn't taken this turn, everyone in agreement of what path comes next ... I wouldn't even ask you . but you are so much more knowledgeable about all this .. and your ability to search it out .. I mean .. like right now .. dad and SIL both desperately need to get in touch with the SW there and get an appt., let's get the ball rolling here. SIL can barely even make a noise with her laryngitis .. dad .. I've told him to call . but he hasn't yet .. I can do it .. but .. I don't even know who/where to call".
Me: "So you want me to call and schedule an appt with whoever I find is the SW there, and then let SIL know and dad know, their presence is required at so and so address at such and such time?
Her: "well no, I'm gonna ride herd on dad, . to get that phone call made, or I'll call them myself ... I'll dial down on who needs to be called and I'll do it, I'll get an appt for them .. but things like .. you are just more knowledgeable about all this .. like you mentioned ADL's and that needs to get looked at, I don't even know what that is .. and I don't have time to try to look it up and understand it . and who do I even talk to about ADL's .. you've mentioned that granny needs a cognitive workup/assessment .. how do you even go about getting that done .. YOU KNOW this stuff .. I don't ..and SIL .. while she's on the page now .. frickin finally .. and knows she can't care for her mom anymore, and it has to go in this direction . she can't flipping talk right now . .she's so hoarse .. dad wouldn't have a clue what a cognitive assessment is or where to go to find it if it hit him on the head .. would you be willing to get to he bottom of that .. can/would you be willing to do that .. this is all gonna be so daunting .. just trying to navigate all this .. and it's gonna have to be all hands on deck .. and .. it's going in that direction at this point, no two ways about it .. and I wouldn't even ask you . I KNOW what all you've been through with this, I KNOW . .and if you don't wanna do it, you can tell me and I'll back off . and we'll get it done somehow .. we'll figure it out, .. I completely understand if you wanna stay away from all this with a 20 foot pole .. but .. I sure hope that you won't mind doing that . and maybe helping to sort thru some of what goes on .. we NEED YOU IN THIS .. "
Me: "I don't mind that DD .. I will do so ... it's not that complicated ... I'll call and talk to the nurse for MIL or the charge nurse, . whatever, I'll do it .. and get to the bottom of it .. as to the ADL's and a cog workup . .. where I have a problem in all this .. I mean you say this is happening .. it's going down this road now finally .. but .. ya know, I've been on this page . that she needs a higher level of care, this is so yesterday's news to me ..
I mean . if they're looking for me to run my legs off . for instance . down the road ... looking at sites .. for SNF .. I know . just because I know the ropes here on how they operate .. they will have me run ragged .. only to then pull the rug out from under it all. DD it's gonna be a Medicaid situation . no two ways about it . and so it's not gonna be the posh'est of sites .. it's not .. and nothing will be suitable to them .. what page are they on as to what it's gonna take .. that the setting is gonna be less than what they'd optimally prefer .. nobody has asked that of me, . but you know .. I have a real damn problem being directed around on fool's errands . and I'm not at all interested in that".
DD: "I hear ya mom .. loud and clear, . and I wouldn't even ask . if we weren't firmly entrenched that this is the direction this all has to go now .. I hear ya loud and clear .. and I will impart that to SIL and to dad on your behalf . that my mom's no means just that . no . when she says no .. that doesn't mean cajole her and badger her . .. if she helps .. it's gonna be on mom's terms . and no one else's . if she doesn't wanna do some particular thing . her no means no .. and they are to back the eff off of you .. or have me down their throats".
She went on to explain that M is breathing down her mom's throat about all this .. that she wants MIL placed .. that it's too much for her, and for her dad .. and it's gotta stop. SIL agreeing it's too much .. and it has to stop.
I went on from there to explain to her that we are a day late and several thousand dollars short at this point .. and the whole process and what I know of it . . that I had advised long ago.. that Medicaid app needs to be submitted .. doesn't mean one has to utilize it .. but by damn .. get your name on the list at least .. it takes a while . .none of this is gonna happen o'nite .. it never does.
DD: See, even that .. I didn't know that much .. I don't know that anyone does but you ..
Me: "I told them .. both DH and his sister .. I TOLD THEM, but the answer was always . she will manage .. she has a team .. blah blah blah . and they don't want her unhappy".
DD: "yea but at this point, her happiness is gonna have to take a huge step back .. and the safety of her . is gonna be most paramount . and so .. you have their attention now . they are on that page now, both Dad and Auntie .. they both know it has to go this way now .. they are on that page, firmly . both of them".
She asked if I would consider unblocking SIL from texting .. because she intends to open a group text to keep everyone on the same page on all this .. her dad, .. her auntie (SIL) .. SIL's daughter M, and myself . and herself .. would I consider unblocking SIL . if not .. if I'm not comfortable doing that .. then she will be the relayer of what I find out along the way ..
I agreed to unblock the texting .. so .. I hope I haven't made the biggest set back in mankind in so doing.
But I didn't want to burden DD with having to be the messenger .. she has enough to do.
And I don't feel comfortable having been asked to do some behind the scenes stuff and refusing .. flat out refusing .. now that they are on that page .. so it's said anyway.
In the end, it was agreed upon by all that DD will try to reach out to the SW .. she tried this afternoon . but unable to reach said SW . left a message, still waiting for a phone call, .. purpose . . schedule an appt., for DH and for SIL . and both agree to attend .. and the agenda is the same for both of them .. placement .. sad as it is .. it has to be .. so where do we go from here.
I did reach out to the nurse in charge of MIL. Asked about ADL's and are those being looked at . and cited examples .. she can't bathe herself .. she can't wipe her bottom (new news as of this afternoon and a visit by YD to see her granny, who obliged that whole thing for her granny) .. cited examples.
His answer (male nurse) .. ADL's are looked at and assessed and worked with by OT and she has OT assigned .. that will be looked at.
My next question: "What are we doing about her getting out of bed on her own to toilet . are you aware she is bracing off with her head against the wall, such lack of balance . that's the only way she has free arms/hands to pull her pants down .. are you aware of that".
Male nurse: She has been instructed she isn't to move about without assistance .. she shouldn't be going to the bathroom without assistance .. she's been told to utilize the nurse button and call for help
Me: That brings about the next problem .. that nurse button requires more executive level function than she possesses .. what is going to be done about a cognitive assessment . is that ordered, I spoke with Nurse Bethany the other night and expressed some concerns and she indicated that can be done . do you see if that is on order .."
Male nurse: "I will . I don't see it here, but I will note to her doctor to get a referral from psych .. as to the cognitive issues . .. does she have Dementia . I don't see it noted here .. ".
Me; "No hasn't been dx'd but needs to be IMO .. that menu . another example .. accdg to her grand daughter who was there, it was far too daunting for her . to go down the list .. a piece of paper that lists the days of the week for the next two weeks and choices for each day for menu items .. she can't do it .. her g'daughter helped her .. but it's too daunting for her .. too much process required .. she can't do it ..
Male nurse: "She has been told she can use that nurse button if she needs assistance".
Me: And as I said before, that requires some executive level function she doesn't have .. that would require she have some awareness as to the relevance of that button . and the awareness that menu needs to be completed .. and plan to call and ask for help . it doesn't dawn on her .. she isn't able ..
Male Nurse: "I see, sounds like the beginning stages of some Dementia .. I will make sure that her doctor sees the notes and ask for a referral by a psych doc for that cognitive assessment ..
Me: What about bathing . from what I understood from her g'daughter's visit .. she was scheduled for her shower and the aide stated that her job is to rinse her .. and that MIL's job is to bathe herself .. she isn't able to do so .. and so her g'daughter did it, is this standard?".
Male nurse: "No the nurse's aide is to bathe the patient if they aren't able to do so .. but we don't have her listed as unable to do so".
Me: "well these are the struggles she is faced with .. her ADL's as I spoke of previously ...
SIGH
I have a marker to check back again in a couple of days to make sure those ADL's are getting attention by OT . and to check back and see if that referral was made to psych.
So that was this afternoon's developments ..
After that, your involvement in this, I am afraid, will fall into a sort of rythym, with just how much or how little you will decide you wish to be involved with, just as you hoped it would finally play out. In essence, you will be Winning, Finally! I say Do It with Firm boundries, you are a Star, and your DD is and Exceptional cog in this wheel IMO, backing you up, thank God!
It is a damn shame that your DIL and DH waited this long, but IMO, this is exactly what does happen in most families, mine included, but with your added support, I pray this all works out for you all! Brace yourself, it's a lot of work, but it will work out for the Best in the long run! Take Care!
You know the way things are, MIL may or may not be able to do ADLs when she comes out of rehab but we all know she will only go down with SIL in charge.
Tell DD to go get the FIVE WISHES out of SIL hands.
It does not have to be notarized in Florida but it must be witnessed. I know you said awhile back that you saw it and it was all scratched up. That’s ok. There are things that must be noted as to what one chooses. It has a place on it for first choice of agent for the principal and second choice. No doubt DH is listed as second choice. If SIL is not able to make the hard decisions then DH can. That will be one of the greater gifts he can ever give his sister is to take that over.
If the document isn’t completed, then now is the time. I’ll bet poochies treats that it is completed.
The FIVE WISHES covers most of the important issues DH will need going forward.
It doesn’t matter at this point if MIL is competent or not. What matters is that SIL doesn’t stand in the way. The trip to Illinois has served its purpose aside from hurricane avoidance. MIL KNOWS she doesn’t want to be in Illinois and in SIL care. SIL KNOWS she doesn’t want to be a full time caretaker. That’s huge. Doubtful they could have gotten there without the past few months.
Let the granddaughters have the lead and get this done for all of your sakes.
File for Medicaid.
Look at facilities.
House on the market.
Estate sale.
Yellow bedroom for SIL and B when in town.
Home for pooch.
(Get him certified to travel with B as security animal).
Group pictures.
You’ve got this Dorker.
A true matriarch for your family as MIL taught you to be. I believe in you. Feed the details to the GDs. let DD handle DH and M handle SIL.
Keep us posted - as we suspected and were waiting for - the shoe to drop. It is held by a fraying shoe lace above us right now.......