I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
A friend of mine was the administrator for an ALF. He said every. single. resident was dragged in there kicking and screaming and raising seven kinds of hellllll.
But after a few weeks, the resident starts getting into the routine and also feels safe. Sure, they always long for home and the life they had, but they also start realizing and accepting their limitations.
Talk to the church ladies. The ALF where my aunt resides is owned by the Georgia Baptist Convention. I'm sure other religious denominations have similar places. It may be that she will end up in one that is not conveniently close to your house. But the important part is that she GOES to ALF and not home!
Also, Memory Care units are much more expensive and I do not understand why. My other aunt (alzheimer's) was at a MCU and the ONLY difference I saw in that place vs. AL was that they were locked in and could not escape at MC.
I asked the question to several administrators and a SW when I was looking at facilities for my aunt.
Q - How do you convince the loved one to go?
A - Sadly it usually takes a bad fall, a broken bone, a serious illness, or a scary event like a kitchen fire or someone breaking into the house to convince the person they can no longer live alone.
Yes, SIL mentioned yesterday that in her research on it all, it seems one can go in the direction of a non profit (where MIL is a for profit) .. and that lessens expense .. if one will go in the direction of a site affiliated with .. say some religious group .. etc.
She mentioned one that gets absolutely stellar ratings as a Jewish Alliance of some sort .. it's affiliation thereof.
It is not convenient .. at all .. that location.
But that too is going to have to be weighed in all this .. you want safe/clean .. great reviews .. it may not be just up the road from your house .. so be it ..
Getting my aunt to go to AL-
I had to resort to emotional manipulation.
There were tears and shouting.
Like you, I was burned out and NOT going to continue handling all the "need" that increased exponentially from when I first started helping her.
SIL will need to be coached and a speech rehearsed before the actual "Come to Jesus meeting" with MIL. It is going to be ugly and SIL needs to be ready to stick to her guns.
The thing that really stinks about all of this is that MIL can still be adamant about going home, even against medical advice, and no one can stop her unless she is determined to be mentally incapable of making that decision for herself. If she chooses to refuse placement, then it's going to become a safety issue and family would probably have to get APS involved. That's why a cognitive assessment is so important. If it's determined that she has dementia or other cognitive impairment, that changes things somewhat, as the case can be made then for a POA to take over (IF a POA form gets signed NOW, before she has that assessment). I'd put that bug in SIL or DH's ear that it's not something to sit on unless one of them wants to be MIL's FT home caregiver until someone can file for guardianship, which is an expensive, often lengthy process. POA would make it so much easier.
I know none of this is your responsibility to deal with, but you might pass it on in discussion with DH/SIL and hopefully one of them will pick up the ball and run with it.
Now is the time to really attempt to not get bogged down in the details of MILs story. That the family wasn’t being heard regarding all MIL can’t do.
I am sure you were heard but what you say matters little when it boils down to the Medical Necessity requirement in all this. What will matter is how MIL performs. Both in her interactions with the staff as they observe and listen to her. And how she does on the cognitive testing. And in all honesty that’s the way it should be for any random Elders protection.
You might want to brace yourself. Unless there is an agreement in place for MIL to remain in the facility she is in presently I don’t know how helpful the on site Medicaid liaison will be unless she is a State employee and not just an employee of the facility.
MIL is getting rehab. SIL and DH are supporting it. All concerned have learned that MIL is not as bad off as everyone thought. As has been noted many times, SIL care has had a crippling effect on MIL that she bought into. She’s learning that she is capable of doing more than SIL allowed.
I also wanted to mention that while I was less than impressed with my mom’s rehab meetings. Complete waste of time for the most part but mandated by Medicare so in all fairness consider this. The staff had received several calls on MIL behalf, the GDs had been up doing the staffs job and had requested a meeting. So even though it was premature in some regards, it probably felt appropriate to them to get it out of the way even though it wasn’t what you wanted. But you did get it all started so not much time was wasted on getting things rolling towards a solution. Maybe not the one you thought you wanted. But still. Progress.
Dorker, your question about what happens when the funds run out. What I’ve read on this forum is that some will keep the patient with Medicaid pending after a certain amount has been paid at regular price. That’s usually more than 3 or 4 months.
Igloo ansered a question on this very subject this week.
I will see if I can find it and post it here.
Sorry for the effed up meeting yesterday. I guess there's just no way to see what's in the future, for sure.
Ironically enough, I spent THE ENTIRE DAY at the VA ER with a friend who was having severe back spasms---in fairness to the Hospital, she should have gone in last Friday, but put it off until she couldn't even move her legs...so she couldn't see her regular doc, had to go in through the ER. Seriously, the ENTIRE DAY. Made me VERY grateful for our "posh" private pay insurance.
Anyhow--my gosh, the bureaucracy of seeing her talk to person after person after person BEFORE she sees an actual doc, and then she sees 3!! Then finally they offer her a percocet and she hesitates (She had been "gifted" a few by me so she could WALK for love of heaven) and I spoke up for her and said "I think that would be helpful, L, we have a long drive home"....so she took the Percocet and THEN we have to go to a pharmacy consult, then to the actual pharmacy...took us well over 6 hours, plus more than an hour drive time. I made her take a muscle relaxant too, before the drive. I'd hit a bump in the road and she'd let out a scream that would wake the dead.
Picked up her g-kids (oh, life is lovely, she has custody of her 3 young grandkids) and got them dinner and got her home. She's a mess, just a hot mess.
My takeaway?
All this paper pushing and fussing and completely crazy form filling exhausted me to the point of tears and I was FINE.
I don't know how you'll navigate this mess--but you started the ball rolling. Sounds like SIL is FINALLY on board, and she needs to stay there. Sounds like the whole family is on on page.
You can step in or out as you see fit.
I remember mother's "Progress Reports" after her many surgeries--what a joke. After 2 days in one facility she was deemed "able to go home" even though she had not eaten a bite of the facility's food and wouldn't get out of her wheelchair. I don't know how that SW looked us in the eye, I really don't.
Let SIL use some of that unusually hyper energy to sort out out the paperwork. You stay out of that.
Sadly, this all should have been set in place to a degree, 2-3 years ago.
There's a lesson in this "book" for all of us.
With my FIL, his VA pension and monthly income more than covered his rent, and he barely had to touch his savings. The problem with VA benifits is IF she should ever decline to the point of needing Nursing home care which is Much more expensive, there will come the time that she Will need to use up her savings and proceed onto Medicaid, so you are basically stalling the inevitable by applying, not that you shouldn't but that is usually the case, and then the VA Benefits are discontinued and Medicaid benefits begin as they cannot collect both. We never got to that point.
I was able to fast track my FIL's VA pension, and it was a fairly easy process, and he was a approved in under 2 months for the full amount 1700 and change, so don't worry too much about that, as long as she qualifies. I believe it's a much easier process if they are over 80, and have all their ppwk in order. Look up Fast Tract VA pension Benefits/fully developed claim on the VA website, Survivors Pension AIDE and ATTENDANCE .
She had been living alone, very close to me, with pretty much daily help from me. She was also a lot like MIL, and I did not have POA, no plans, nothing.
Mom's downward spiral started with a Gout attack (her first), and progressive incontinence, frailty, and then UTI. Her memory had been obviously slipping for a while, but not terribly. But one thing led to another, ER visits, weakness and falling, etc. Dementia became scary for the first time during the UTI, with her calling me with delusions from the hospital, and I would talk her down. After the second stay, they did admit her to a rehab/nursing facility like your MIL is in.
Admittedly, they did get her stronger with the rehab, yes. That is the P/T's job, and the whole purpose of rehab, thus the "progress meetings". Made me happy to see mom actually motivated to work for a change, even though it was obviously in hopes of going home. And her thinking did become much clearer during that stay. Back to her baseline normal (still forgetful, but back to herself.)
But the writing on the wall was clear to me at this point, and as rehab release drew nearer, that was when the SW release people stepped in. (not at the beginning). And at that point, options were presented to me. Local AL's who the SW felt fit the match were presented, and I called and went over to the first one and was so relieved how easy, kind, and reasonable they were. They were a Christian AL, with 28 beds, and they treated everyone there like family. It was about the same price total as Xena quoted. A bit less actually. And they assured me that I need not worry about her savings running out, as they would switch her to medicaid and walk us through that when/if that time came. So, between her SS and a monthly check from her savings, medicaid never happened.
During mom's months there, her CHF deteriorated, and her water retention was no longer manageable by meds, and surgery at her age was out of the question, so she was placed on hospice. Even this, the AL agreed to, and the hospice people came to the AL, so mom basically had 2 sets of caregivers until her death, in her own little room at the AL. I can't say enough about what angels the people at the AL were.
Anyway - maybe I was just lucky, or maybe my state just has easier navigation, but don't get too boggled until you actually look into AL's, particularly religious affiliated ones. Below is what mom's AL offered (no extra charges) as copied from their website. (They were saints.)
Alzheimer's/Dementia care
Respite/Recuperative care
Medication management
Scheduled transportation
On-site beauty shop
No entry fee
Assistance with personal care needs such as bathing, dressing, and personal grooming
Pet friendly
Activities, and weekly shopping trips
28 private rooms
And actually, it was no lie - IF mom ever fully regained function, sure - she could leave. There was no long-term contract of any sort at the AL. It was on month-to-month basis.)
Oh - I had to LOL at the RH/NH "escapee" you described. There were 2 of those waiting by the sliding doors every day at my mom's Rehab, too. One would constantly try to stick her ankle out between the doors to keep them from closing! I knew her by name, eventually, and would greet her during my daily visits. I also learned the ropes of that code/lock thingy you described. But it was all quite foreign at the beginning.
Nothing new to report ..
I did as I said yesterday, . went to attend to my dad's rx ... visited them for a bit .. then to pick up g'daughter and entertain her for a while.
Left the whole MIL saga in the periphery, it was nice.
I know that SIL and company (M is in town presently and helping her mom sort thru MIL's various bills and organize same, and .. helping w/phone calls .. to save her mom's hoarse voice), . they went to see MIL yesterday.
While there, stopped in .. since she hadn't heard from Betty the Medicaid specialist .. as per the SW's info. SW on the phone .. unavailable. Got this elusive Betty's phone # and M has connected with her briefly . and there is to be a sit down with her today . just to cover some ground.
Interesting note on that one .. that phone call between M and Betty ... apparently took place sort of . within earshot of MIL .... and MIL caught bits and pieces enough that she made the following statement to both SIL and M .. "Now don't ya'll go throw me in a nursing home from here".
<<MIL has not yet been brought up to speed that is the direction this is going like a speeding freight train, if it's at all possible .. and yes .. if SIL can at all get it done .. that's precisely what will occur . .but that remains to be seen, thus there has been no tabled dialogue with MIL on it, not yet>>
Also of note, in DH's phone call to MIL last night . .. MIL on speaker .. I could hear her say (among many other things said) "Well I am working really hard here, so that I can get strong enough to *go home*".
Poor soul ....
She .. yes .... as I said before, does have some recognition/notion . that there will have to be placement .. at some point .. has some awareness around that .. but her ability to process .. that it can happen sooner than she'd like .. .is not there. I don't think she has any awareness that SIL is working this thing like a dog on a bone, and if she could get it done .. MIL will be exiting the present setting for her new permanent home in an AL . . and not to her home, her beloved precious .. home, ever again. She doesn't have a clue.
The other thought that occurs to me.. and I really don't know .. and it's neither here nor there at this point.
MIL ... I would think . but what do I know, maybe I'm wrong .. there was a time . that being placed anywhere .. would've been a fate worse than death itself ... and that may still be her sentiment.
I can't help but ponder ... will ... living in IL in her daughter's care look a whole lot more desirable .. (I don't even know, she hated being there in IL with such a white hot passion .. maybe .. maybe that isn't an option she'd take at this point) .. but ... from where I sit .. it just seems .. as much as I know her . and as much as I know of her sentiments as to being placed (of course, bearing in mind her choice is always gonna be, stay in her home, .. but that's not realistic) .. as much as I know her, know of her . and her absolute disdain for placement .. I can't help but wonder if maybe .. like an impetuous child .. she'll wish she hadn't so lamented the IL setting. and her daughter's care.
It doesn't matter at this point, because her daughter, having lived it .. even if the mother said at this point, "No no .. no .. I don't want to go into a setting in a facility .. I'm sorry .... I'll be the best patient ever in the world .. and will you PLEASE take me back to IL .. I'll go with you ..".
I don't think the daughter would do so at this point. It has nearly sent her into a heap herself .. of incapacity.
M, who has always . heretofore, been much on the periphery of any "chore" duty .. too busy living her own jet setting life .. of parties and traveling ..
Actually does have some "use". Much pleased.
And not only that, M has been instrumental in getting her mother to this point, .. to see that she is killing herself, and she doesn't have to. That, in large measure, has been M, on that front.
GOOD FOR HER!
Id bet money that it was M who was able to procure Elusive Betty’s phone number. As well - I suspect that it was M who approached DD with the plan to get Dorker to attend the Cluster Eff “progress” meeting. M is likely all too aware that her mom could fold like a cheap deck chair - and knows that Dorker is the only person with a backbone when it comes to Granny.
I have to to admit I like M. Have from the start when Dorker told of driving M to the airport - what was it, 1000 years ago - and M told Dorker “This effects your life. You get a say so”.
Sure. M’s a bit of a user when it comes to the dog sitting but who knows? Maybe sil volunteers- strongly. My dad was like that when it came to babysitting Rainman. He just really wanted to be there for me and this was an area where he knew he could help and be involved in my life. Maybe sil is the same when it comes to M. After all, Dorker has said sil lives to look after her loved ones. Well... she use to at least. Not so much these days - not any more!
But, yeah - M. M’s many vacations, traveling the world with the boyfriend du’jour... that was the life I had planned. Sigh.
How is she handling not seeing Poochy so far since she's been hospitalized and now in rehab? She's gone how many days without seeing him?
I’ll be very interested in the answer. This is something I’ve been trying to figure out and come to terms with - regarding my own mother - for the past four years!
I think the "signal" that something had changed in her brain was, for me, the day I told her "I can't do this anymore".
"This" was to drive, hellbent from Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, to Westchester (as the crow flies, 35 minutes; in actual NYC traffic 2 hours on a good day and lots of very expensive tolls. Three days in a row, I got a call from mom while I was at work that there was an emergency, and that I needed to come immediately. I don't remember the first two "emergencies". The third one was, as a result of the first, I had taken her to her doctor (she had been weeping, wringing her hands and was hysterical about something insignificant to the rest of us). Doc prescribed Zoloft. Mom had melt down # 2 because of difficulty getting the prescription filled.
Meltdown #3 took place at 2 AM. Mom, having taken ONE PILL at bedtime awoke in the middle of the night and was "suicidal". She called one of my cousins who lived about 20 minutes away. Cousin came, stayed the night and called me at 7 AM. "You need to do something about this, Barbara", she said.
When I explained to mom that this couldn't continue, she was completely surprised. She seemed to think that calling people at work and in the middle of the night to come to her isolated suburban home for unnecessary rescue was in the job description of "responsible adult child".
I was shocked that she thought I should keep doing this, that we ALL should keep doing this!
(Clearly, my job, marriage and well-being no longer mattered; I thought fast).
"Mom, Brother (Golden Child) is going to have a heart attack racing to your emergencies."
She took this seriously.
My point is that even NON-narcissistic elders apparently develop cognitive changes (it turned out that my mother had had a small stroke and had developed MCI) that shrink their worldview so that they stop considering the effect that their "independence" is having on the folks who love them the most.
In the way that we understand the normal ego-centricity of small children, perhaps we need to understand that it's expected that elders develop this habit of mind and not expect them to think about our needs.
In the same way that we don't tolerate small children running our lives, we need to set healthy boundaries with our aging parents, early and often.
She did used to think and tell me that my brothers' time was valuable, but not mine.
Now that she's out of it in a NH, she doesn't show much emotion at all unless she's "agitated." She does ask me where some of my brothers are sometimes. They are all of state. Sometimes I say they are busy. I'd like to say that they don't care enough to come.
One time back in October when she was on the hospital, she asked me where my Sonny-No-Show brother was, and I told her he was too busy.
Is she concerned about leaving a "legacy" to you all?
I would see my mother more in one week than one brother did in a month and the other did in close to a
year. They both only lived about ten
minutes further away than I did.
My mom did hold grudge against one of her sons but not the other - not Golden BOY Child.
Barb - I can relate. My mother only stopped her shenanigans that first
month at the nursing home - “falling” on purpose in the hopes of getting kicked out, since her real falls in AL were what got her 86’d - she only stopped “falling” after Golden Child told her he had cancer and needed to schedule surgery.
I, on the other hand only needed a complete hysterectomy- that I had already postponed 2 YEARS - to take care of her incessant needs and emergencies. So what - that I was at the critical point of loosing complete bladder function. Surely, that could wait. SHE was in Depends herself, after all.
Have I mentioned that, yes - I had issues setting boundaries?
Sigh. Sob. Ring the therapist.
Look, parents are mostly themselves (ourselves) damaged people. Hey, I often say that the problem with the whole human race is that Adam and Eve didn't have parents and thus had no clue how to parent their children. And just passed it down the line.
One of my takeaways from this board has been that the folks who have had the least attentive parents feel the most obligation. They are the folks who buy into the societal idea that one MUST care, hands on, for parents to prove that they love them. Those of us who had parents who had demonstrated boundaries with their parents (my parents did; not good boundaries, but I knew early on that saying "no" was okay) understood that it was not a sign of betrayal to refuse to give up marriage, career and parenting to care for a parent. I once said to my mom, when she was in the midst of caring for my terminally ill father "Mom, this is why you have kids, so that they can help". She turned on me in a rage that I had never seen; "that's NOT why you have children; don't ever say or think that again; that's NOT why we had you all".
That was a powerful message from my overwhelmed and still cognizant mom. And that's what I took with me into her senescence.
The truth these days is that unless you have high 6 figure savings/investments and LTC insurance, you might be looking at Medicaid. I think we all need to be aware of that fact.
So we need to be bloodless about how we arrange our estates, our trusts and our final wishes; we need to be aware of law and disregard family tradition and emotion.
Does MIL have any awareness of how all-consuming someone else's life becomes in the pursuit of propping up MIL's own so-called Independence .. or does she just not care.
I wish I knew. I do know that seemingly she is aware and says things like, "now I don't want SIL to give up her life .. I want her to enjoy her retirement years and go and do things, travel .. enjoy her life". She does put voice to that very thing, indeed.
Does she somehow not connect the dots .. that the very fact, she can no longer drive, . no longer adequately cares for herself .. for her precious poochy .. for her home ..
Does it not draw a connection to her, in connecting those dots .. indeed that is what SIL has had to do .. give up her retirement years and in the pursuit of propping up her so called "Independence" .. and it's anything but "INDEPENDENT".
That would be my best guess .. those dots and connecting them, is lost on her.
I do know that spending the day today with M, .. and with SIL ..
We sat down with the elusive Betty Medicaid Specialist .. and she was a wealth of knowledge ..
And she even recommended a few sites to visit as to placement.
I'm still a little lost . but that's okay, I don't have to understand it .. not all up to me. One has to .. I suppose . the ropes of all this .. MIL is presently in a Rehab unit (a posh one btw . and has no AL medicaid beds .. do have Medicaid beds for SNF .. BUT .. MIL would not qualify .. health-wise for SNF).
But anyway the linear .. direction forward here will be that MIL will play out her 21 days or whatever it is in the (posh) Rehab . and from there she will need to go for a "short stay" .. in a LTC .. as Medicaid Pending .. and then .. once Medicaid is approved, which will supposedly happen sooner .. utilizing a recommended atty .. who routinely greases the wheels to these things .. 30/60 days .. usually . .then she will be placed .. AL.
I drove SIL/M .. around to 1 of the 3 sites mentioned by Betty Medicaid ..
Interesting being in the presence of M, and her mother. SIL now admitting .. she is an E.N.A.B.L.E.R ....... "ya think?".
Her telling Betty Medicaid of all the trials . .and tribulations of the recent saga and then some. Betty Medicaid then telling of her own .. tale .. with her own mother .. and her having done what is known as "setting some boundaries". That her mom too, (lived in CA, . .this is FL .. Betty Medicaid lives in FL . .and has zero desire to move to CA). Her mom too .. wanted the sun moon and stars brought to her front door step as to her care, . and Betty Medicaid refused . and asked of SIL .. "why did you do that for your mom?".
M, jumping in .. "because she is an enabler" .. SIL chiming in . "I am .. I just . I guess I just thought .. I wanted her waning years to be happy ones, as best that can be achieved . and I thought I could help facilitate that by taking care of her .. but .. I see now . it's too much .. .and like Dorker here told me .. I'm not responsible for her happiness .. her safety . yes .. as well as she'll let me keep her safe . but not her happiness .. I'm not responsible for anyone else's happiness but my own".
Hearing these words from SIL .. as profound as perhaps when God said "let their be light" ..
BTW - SIL is getting a little better at all the hoarse voice, .. as long as she doesn't talk too much and tax that voice .. BUT .. she now has some back/hip issue that is actually cropping up and she has now taken one of MIl's canes to use . to assist her in walking, at least for right now .. .the back/hip pain so bothersome.
She is falling apart, .. this has nearly put her into a heap herself of just worn out, past going another step.
She sees that, .. 20/20 clear vision now.
M talking of when they were in IL .. and the time-frame where by her mom was hospitalized herself . .and at that juncture MIL failed at her meds .. and ended up herself then hospitalized (TIA) . .and another hospitalization a week later . same dx (TIA) .. and that the dad had gone manic.
M talking of that time frame and how it made her rather angry .. (she's a no nonsense sort). That she'd tried to make sense to her mother .. "you and dad cannot take care of her .. you can't . it's too much .. and Mother . what is gonna happen when you fall with all this . then dad is gonna go down too w/the ship . and that's not fair to him .. ".
Said her mom (SIL) just wasn't ready . couldn't really "hear" it at that point .. quoting M, "right mom?".
SIL: "You're right .. I just wasn't ready to hear it"
M: "But you do now don't you?".
SIL: "Oh yes I do .. my body is telling me .. I'm done .. even if my mind doesn't . my body is telling me, I can't go on".
Dialogue on the likely caliber of any setting that might be found .. Medicaid funded .. and how it is .. more than likely going to be less than what MIL and her high expectations would settle for and that battle that is to come.
M very firmly in the camp of .. "Granny is just going to have to understand and deal with the consequences of having lived beyond her means all of her life .. and this is the result of that choice . that's all there is to it .. nothing will make granny happy .. even if we could somehow have dollars rain from the sky and put her in a penthouse there at that posh site where she currently is .. that ain't gonna happen . but even if that was possible, it's not her beloved home . and so she's not gonna be happy . .and anywhere that her dollars will allow . is not gonna be as suitable for her .. and she's just going to have to learn to live with it, that's all there is to it . no one can do around the clock care anymore, not even you mother . .and so .. she has no other options . cut and dried".
Very very interesting being around all of this today .... very.
For instance, .. we met there at MIL's house with Betty Medicaid .. and I left . mid-meeting . had an appt . a quick appt that I had to go see about . and so I left mid-meeting and the promise I'd return.
I did return . and Betty Medicaid was gone by then. MIL had some vague awareness we were to meet with a Medicaid specialist today and so she called there (before I got back) . .and she spoke with B.
B is the worst possible person to keep a secret .. (fortunately . he's not all that with it . mentally either .. as to being able to relay what was discussed and the finer points thereof).
MIL called there, . .apparently . so I heard after I arrived back and it was B that caught that phone call, and MIL inquiring of him . "Well did you guys meet with the Medicaid person . have they found where they're gonna put me?".
B having answered her, .. "oh I don't know . sounds like there's a lot to sort thru, and lots of paperwork that has to be done .. I'll have SIL call you . she's in the shower at the moment".
That sufficed.
Then later .. we did scoot by to see MIL . and she inquired of us .. "Well did you guys get all the answers from talking to the Medicaid person . do you know what to do next?".
SIL explaining to her mom (SIL had already covered the ground . just with us .. outside of her mom's presence - that she is feeding her mom small bits and bites of the whole thing . so as to help her slowly digest on the coming attractions). SIL then telling her mom . "well as a matter of fact, she did give us the name of a few places to go check out and so when we leave here, we're gonna go do that .. and .. there's lots involved .. we have to get an atty (oh and yes, they do have to have POA .. which will be seen to by said atty . per Betty Medicaid instruction) .. we have lots of paperwork to sort thru .. but we're going to look at one here in a bit