I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
MIL: "well what kind of place is this that you're heading to look at?".
M: "Well we'll let you know when we've seen it .. but we know .. we want some place safe/clean".
MIL: "...............and nice, make sure it's nice".
SIL: (jumping into the conversation with gradiants of hand gestures indicative of steps of priorities) .. "well .. priorities mother .. it needs to be safe/clean .. that's first .. "nice" .. we'll see .. but we have to prioritize here .. ".
MIL: (foggy old brain) "well now don't you guys stick me in some hell-hole .. I want it to be a nice place".
M: "As we said .. we're going to look .. and check it out . but safe and clean .. has to be first on the list .. nice ..??... I don't know granny .. we'll see ..".
Lots of dialogue today . .loads of it ..
But all of it indicative of a SIL who realizes . her mother C.A.N.N.O.T. come home .. ever again . not even for a day .. she has to go from (posh) rehab where presently situated . to a short-stay in a LTC . and then from there to whatever AL is found .. period .. SIL on that page .. and M backing that whole train of thought .. 1000%.
M convinced .. I don't know that I agree with that assumption on M's part .. that assumes M to be higher functioning than I see her, that MIL is manipulative and has manipulated SIL .. in huge measure .. thru these years of all the propping up.
M very very much a REALIST .. "your mom doesn't have the dollars to live the champagne taste she somehow thinks she's entitled to .. she has a beer budget trying to live a champagne life . and that's what has landed her where she is now .. and for a long while . she's had you to do her bidding . and at one point, Dorker .. and she is now isolating from people who don't play by her game . me for one .. so be it .. maybe it's a control/power move on her part . but . whatever .. she's going to have to learn to adjust . even at her old age . to the fact that this is what her dollars will afford .. and it's not gonna be posh and champagne . it's gonna be beer or cheap wine .. in the end .. ".
Here here!
Did go and look at 1 of the 3 recommended sites . and it is sad .. it is. It just is.
There are any number of folks residing there . and yes some slumpers .. but none so slumped and "out of it" that they don't seemingly know where they are . none of that . but yes some slumpers . loitering about in the halls.
They seemed to get a kick out of it when I pointed out MIL's fervent desire that it be a "nice" place . .my comment . "Why? She doesn't ever leave her room, that might mean she has to hang out with the commoners .. beneath her . what difference does it make if the place is "nice" .. she stays in her room, .. she's in the poshest of posh right now . with any number of gorgeous sitting rooms and chandeliers a plenty . and activity rooms and so forth . and she sits alone in her room . what difference does it make how "nice" it is".
Rather obvious today that she will land, no matter where she goes .. more than likely . in a shared room. That .. I mentioned will be a hard sell . .. very very . if not impossible to MIL.
Got no airplay . .as M would put it .. she's going to have to adjust .. and she shouldn't be alone any way . she's a fall risk .. she needs to have someone around, . and besides that . having someone around . another room mate . lessens any theft risk .. security risk, etc .. there's someone else there . she's just gonna have to get used to it".
SIL also realizing . as M puts it .. gonna be a tough sell, but again . not much can be done about that champagne taste and a beer pocketbook.
Just a very interesting day with it.
I must say .. so many of the sentiments I've had .. and .. could've said myself but no one heard me .. are now being spoken by SIL herself .. a SIL who formerly had every excuse in the world and then some . as to why she had to keep propping all this up .. and at one time .. defaulting to me
So glad today was a productive day.
Medicaid Betty sounds like she was most helpful. Always helps to have someone on board that has been thru a similar experience.
The process Medicaid Betty explained sounds like exactly what I read regarding FL Medicaid. Short LTC stay coupled with an attorney fast tracks the shift to AL. It did sound like Medicaid AL in FL is different than here. That it is somewhat the Elders choice whether they choose to get the same type of care in NH setting or AL. Made no sense to me using TX Medicaid as my reference. But hey, whatever it takes!
About the slumpers, here in TX, the NH residents do have to be out of their rooms some of the time. So, they are hanging out in the halls. There are medical exceptions.
How long will M be in FL? Sounds like she is great help for SIL.
SIL is having to use a cane? Good Lord! She certainly better listen to her body! She’s done...
I did my best to talk her into calling her work, for a couple of days off to assist here .. no sell. She leaves Sunday afternoon.
Yes .. I wondered about that. There were several residents hanging out in corridors . in wheelchairs.
There was an ongoing game of some sort of Trivia with all the slumpers .. in the activity room.
It was a different scene than I had envisioned . not sure why.
Some mix of ages there. I guess that was puzzling to me. Maybe I always pictured that any setting for elderly would be precisely that . elderly.
Not so here.
In fact, .. one woman ventured in to talk to us . as we sat waiting for an admin to come talk to us ..
A resident ... using a walker, . .and a dog on a leash with her.
We'd already seen her .. with her walker .. and pushing along .. with her walker and herself . a little game cart of bingo and such.
She came in and just chatted with us for a few minutes. She is 43 yo .. shattered her spine she says .. falling off a roof. Can now walk (some) .. where she thought at one time she'd be paralyzed for life.
She loves it there, so she says .. as opposed to where she was previously at "X" place .. seemed everything at that other place was a struggle . none of the nurses wanted to do their jobs .. always MIA .. and nowhere to be found. This place, . the staff all so friendly/kind .. always lots going on .. people are friendly.
In fact, that was one of the things we observed .. the folks slumped around there . .all seemed to muster a smile if you made eye contact with them .. they didn't seem sullen and disengaged
I was surprised to see so many varying ages there. Asked about that and was told by the staff member walking us around . they have one as young as 27 . and one as old as 105. .. and everything in between.
Went in to view what would be a set up of MIL's room if she landed there, a shared room. Small. Enough room, for a hospital bed . .and a nice club chair .. and a tv .. and there is a shared fridge/microwave . .and shared bathroom. And that's it.
Small.
There is a wall that separates the residents in that shared room .. a half wall if you will .. so it's not like one closes themselves off from the other roomie.
Snobbery .. which has been referenced here before as to MIL is very much going to come into play here .. very much so. It's coming.
I noticed one of the slumpers .. why I notice such .. I dunno . .one of the slumpers that stopped .. as we viewed the dining room (no one in there yet for dining . just us. She wheeled on in there, not sure what for .. kinda a slumper.
We smiled and said hi as we headed out and I noticed her shirt was stained, .. and faded and old. Don't know why that struck me .. but it did. Just made me ponder .. do they care if these folk are in soiled clothing? I dunno ..
The client base there, .. those that we viewed anyway .. seemingly will be "beneath" MIL. Bet on it, take it to the bank. Hands down, no question.
But .. having said that .. she is . at present .. at the poshest of posh for the area . .and she isn't out "mixing" with any folks there.
In fact, SIL had mentioned some nice lady she talked to .. (a slumper) .. as she passed by the activity room . and that they'd struck up a small conversation and the woman was interesting . from so and so side of town .. and SIL encouraging her mom .. "there's a world of stuff going on outside your door mother, and interesting people that all have stories .. just like you . you should get out .. ".
Her mother's response: "I don't have anything to say to *those people*".
So .. she will most definitely find fault in a setting like what we viewed today .. lady in a stained shirt . slumper .. lots of slumpers there .. in the hallways .. and some dressed okay .. others not so much .. had one man come walking in . an older guy .. I dunno .. I'd guess maybe 70's .. attire .. worn and so forth . and
Worn and faded .. and he looked like he hasn't shaved in a few days .. looks like someone who maybe has lived a rough life ..
Won't be at all suitable to MIL, not at all.
But wth .. she's right now . with . .I guess .. at least location and amenity-wise .. she's at least at a place she'd most closely define as "her kinda people" ...
Yet when pushed to go and join the world outside her walls .. will quickly tell you they aren't her kind of people. Snobbery.
I asked of she of formerly shattered spine .. (as she'd described that she acts in p/t capacity as activity chair) .. asked of her, "what do you do with the folks that just don't want to get out and mix with others".
Her answer: "oh there are some here . there's a woman down the hall that just won't come out of her room . but generally . .they do connect eventually .. with at least one someone . .in her case, .. it's me .. when I come with my dog .. she invites me in and we visit .. eventually they kind of come around".
That was her answer anyway.
Place was .. appeared to me clean .. it didn't smell bad in any way . .the people that we viewed .. all seemed happy/settled .. no one seemed agitated and/or angry/sad ..
It isn't posh by any stretch .. nothing about it is .. but it's clean . and I suppose safe .. I don't know.
Ran across a few there that likely suffer some mental illness . or so it would seem by appearance .. and not sure what that's about.
LTC .. and mental illness residents? I don't know .. wasn't aware that could be the case I guess.
One of those ... that I suspect maybe some mental issues ...
We'd been standing outside of what would be a residential setting .. waiting for the person walking us around, to go in and check on said room for us to view .. us standing in the hallway to wait ..
When out of nowhere comes this gal .. running .. literally . holding herself .. much like you'd witness a child doing that has to go pee .. . only this wasn't a child .. I'd guess her maybe 50's . . but I don't know .. and holding herself and shouting out .. "I HAVE TO PEE SO BAD" . and as she flew by us .. threw into the floor what looked to be a big huge clear garbage bag of nothingness .. I guess all her worldly treasures .. much like maybe a homeless person might have .. all their treasures in a big huge hefty bag .. and tossed that into the floor as she blew past us .. holding herself . and announcing loudly "I have to pee so bad" . and she flew into the room across the hall . didn't even close the door behind her . and at on the bed squirming .. like you'd see a child do .. with urgency to go to the bathroom and continued with her pleadings that she has to go pee so bad . squirming . .. and holding herself.
The person who'd been escorting us around, departed us .. saying "excuse me a minute" .. and stepped into that room w/said individual with the pee issue .. opened up what would be the bathroom door .. and escorted her in there .. we couldn't see .. the door to the bathroom now left open and occupying that bathroom .. the escort for us and the gal with the urgency to pee .. and so that was that .. she was taken care of by the woman escorting us around . and then she returned to us . .and we continued on.
Thus I say .. perhaps some with some mental issues there ..
So glad M was there to support her mom and concentrate her mind on the task at hand.
It is reasonable to ask her to accept that her options are now limited. Indeed, there isn't a lot of choice. It is not reasonable to expect her to *like* it.
Snobbery? Not fancying this lot makes her a snob? What, you'd love to move in and get to know them, would you?
I hope that MIL will adjust, gradually, and I hope she'll have the luck to stumble over one or two kindred spirits and benefit from that kind of companionship. It would do her good. But if she'd rather stay in her room and hold her breath, you can allow her that much choice without feeling the need to criticise her for it, can't you?
Dorker, something you might do on your visits, when MIL talks about what she doesn't want ( hell hole) is to get her to explain what she equates that to. I suspect she has an image of someplace she saw as a kid that's still rattling around in her head. The more that that's gotten out on the table and examined in the light, the easier this transition process is going to be.
Also while you're not going to get a ful on cognitive evaluation while she's in rehab, I'd prompt SIL or DH to ask about a psych consult. Maybe AFTER the POA is signed.
I am liking M -- she says it like it is. Too bad she couldn't stick around longer to help her mother and grandmother accept what's going to be happening.
I suppose none of these places are going to accept pets, yes? It would really be infringing on one's roommate to have a pet. Has it occurred to MIL that Poochy won't be moving right in with her? That Poochy will be states away? Does she even ask about Poochy?
Are you going to be doing MIL's laundry, Dorker? I am SO GLAD that my mother's laundry gets done as part of the price. (I think it has something to do with the laundry room no longer being in use because of renovations; don't know if it will ever open up again.) Are there community laundry facilities? Do you suppose MIL could do her own laundry? I hope so!
My mother was originally in a shared room at her NH. It was a nice big room, and her roommate was lovely. But my mother was disturbing her at night so much that the next available single room went to my mother (same hallway). The roommate is now in her own room, also. There are actually a lot of single rooms in this facility (or at least in this part of the facility). It's a small room, but big enough for what needs to be there. And, since it's in one of the already-renovated wings, there is a gorgeous private bathroom with walk-in shower. I would have liked a nicer view from the window, but my mother hardly notices or cares. This facility does accept Medicaid (it's Jewish and has a good reputation, although the majority of the residents are not Jewish), so I suppose that Medicaid recipients get single rooms here. That's pretty good.
It's so different throughout the country, since each state has the right to determine the use of Medicaid funds.
If there is someone who is kind and experienced (the SW, the activities director or someone else) who can facilitate the new resident's acclimation to the routine, the people and the staff, things will go well.
We ill-advisedly (geez, we were soooooo stupid) placed my mom, who was melting down into a "nice" AL where several other family members resided. (Never assume that your relatives have done the same due diligence that you have). This facility relied on a small group of residents to "school" the new person in the ins and outs of the facility. I would be on the lookout for a facility that doesn't involve professional staff in that process.
Part of what my mother needed (this was pointed out to me by a very kind geriatric psychiatrist at the hospital) was that when my mother desperately needed in any residential setting was the knowledge that there was someone on staff that she could turn to if she needed reassurance, information or help joining in. At the AL, that didn't exist; there was no activities person and the DON's take on my mother, instantly, was that she was cranky and demanding.
After a hospitalization and guidance from the geripsych, we found an Independent Living facility that had good staff. It was interesting that while there was LESS assistance, the staff here was able to provide my mom with a sense that she could turn to any of the "ladies at the desk" and ask for something and they'd figure out how to make it happen.
This did not happen overnight, and it took US telling mom repeatedly "Mom, ask the staff". Of COURSE we continued to do stuff for and with her--shopping, certain doc appointments, going out for fun, but ants in the kitchen, burned out light bulb, room too cold? That was on the staff.
I didn't ask if there is a setting where residents can do their own laundry.
The laundry issue will be a bit of an interesting piece. I still don't have a clear answer on this one. SIL (has all kinds of sensitivities .. to perfumes, dyes .. so forth .. and so she buys .. non-allergenic, . .detergent free, fragrance-free, etc, as to detergents.
I know at one time, over the history of this saga .. I'd taken some of MIL's things to my home .. to launder them. I do not have said sensitivities ...
I asked of MIL . as I was departing, . "Do I need to take that special laundry soap for your things .. I don't have that at my house".
Her answer: "That's something that daughter of mine does .. no .. I don't care, just whatever you use at home".
But .. interestingly enough .. when I'd do her grocery shopping, that special laundry detergent always on the list .. not a list encompassing just any ole detergent .. fragrance and so forth .. if she needed laundry soap .. she'd always put there, that special brand that's dye free, this and that .. on her list.
So .. I don't know .. I still don't have a straight answer as to whether she herself . has all these sensitivities as to using just run of the mill Tide detergents .. or whatever. I don't know.
But I don't suppose these facilities accommodate that issue .. I can't imagine they do .. but maybe.
There hasn't been any dialogue really as to the pet .. she hasn't seen her pet since all this transpired, but that's on the docket on their end today .. to haul poochy up to the Rehab site .. for a visit . and yes, others have done so with pets .. we see them ambling about with their pets on leashes .. guests who've brought the pet in for a visit.
The LTC we visited yesterday .. they do allow pets .. but .. one has to be able to care for the pet, . part of that .. walking the pet and picking up the excrement to dispose of it. As we know, that isn't possible with MIL.
Thus .. she will loose her pet in all this.
The stance has always been that SIL will keep him .. which means she won't get to see him much (she could've .. and IMO .. should've chosen to stay in IL .. and at a site selected there, which would've enabled her to see her pet more frequently, but she wouldn't hear of any eventuality that would've placed her there).
DD, .. at one time through this latest saga .. offered to take Poochy. I think that's an enormous mistake.
For one thing ..
They aren't made of $. Neither is MIL . but MIL . would've eaten dog food herself .. before paying her bills .. if it meant pampering poochy . and she did .. as we all know.
For another thing:
They already have a dog . and live in the tiniest of tiny homes .. it really is a very small house .. with 20 month old twins and a 5 yo . and they already have a big dog .. a big aging dog.
Poochy has any number of afflictions .. ears that crop up with infection and issues .. a sore on his mouth that crops up from time to time . .. supposed allergies that require special (expensive) foods and treats .. and develops sores on his skin .. has to have a special shampoo .. gets sick a lot ... has joint issue that require some special pill he takes.
DD can't afford all that, nor does she have time to run this dog back and forth for all his pampered needs .. (Grooming, and above) ..
She has a dog already ... one that is extremely low maintenance, . and that's how any pet has to be in DD's household .. DD has no time for pampering anybody .. not even a pet.
I never heard where that's gonna go .. I hope SIL told her that she'd take poochy .. and that ended that, but I don't know.
Med management part of the setting there, I asked.
Asked about times of acute illness, .. that MIL gets afflicted with frequent bouts of diarrhea .. and as such .. needs special dietary accommodation that she's unable lto adhere to .. without oversight . .and that she's prone to end up with a mess .. herself . her bedding, her clothing, . .her bathroom, etc. I was assured that's something they are accustomed to addressing if needed.
I'm not doing anything about it, but .. SIL is in a damn fog .. she doesn't think to ask anything not really .. and says as much .. "Dorker thank you for asking that, I hadn't even thought of it .. my brain is in such a damn fog".
I asked her yesterday .. while we were out, "Did you follow up with the biz office, in case they keep MIL longer at that posh facility .. we know that Medicare has it covered right now . .but if it should go longer .. does her supplement pick up that xtra amount, did you call them".
SIL: "Oh chit . thank you . no I forgot .. damnit my brain is in such a fog".
1. I didn't see a single soul there that had family visiting. Maybe it was the time of day, who knows.
Didn't ask, wish I would've.
What happens going forward ..
MIL sees SO MANY CONFOUNDED DAMN MANY DOCS .......
what happens there ...???
How does that work?
She sees so many damned different specialties ..
cardio
PCP
Ortho
some special eye doc for eye issues
another eye doc for vision
podiatrist
neuro
I'm sure I'm forgetting some ....
What happens there ..
One thing .. she's gonna be medicaid .. and so .. I suspect some (or all) of her list of docs she sees may or may not be medicaid docs .. don't take that assignment.
But beyond that .. how do those items get addressed.
We expected to come pick her up and haul her hither and yon to all these specialists?
Damnit.
Something to ask about (not you, DH or SIL) is there a doc who has an office on site?
When my mom moved to IL, there was a geriatrics specialist who maintained a twice a week office at the AL on the other side of the parking lot.
Mom decided to try him out.
He suggested taking off most of her cardiac meds.
He suggested that she log her BP once a day and take meds/not take meds based on the reading.
He gave her cell phone number to call if she had any questions about that.
He arranged for the on site geriatric psychiatrist to see her and weigh in on her anxiety. THAT doc changed her antianxiety med and got mom to take it on a regular basis, rather than waiting until she felt anxiety.
Yes, we still had to take her to the eye doc. But we essentially "lost" her other docs when she moved into this facility. Because we were no longer trying to "fix" anything.
As for MIL's docs - you've mentioned several times that SIL has everyone running willy-nilly to no real purpose, this will perhaps be a good opportunity to cut down on all of that.
If D agreed to take Poochy at one point, beware. She'll try to put you on Team Poochy and make you captain! How long do you think she will put up with that spoiled ailing pooch's needs? And how good at boundary-setting are you going to be with your daughter? If that comes up again, tell her very firmly that you will NOT participate in Poochy caregiving, and make sure she knows all that will be expected of her.
As far as doctor appointments, many/most ALs have vans that take the residents to doctor appointments. There may be limitations as to the days of the week that the medical appointments can happen. Or not, as there may be multiple vans to take the residents to medical appointments, outings, etc.
Can MIL handle all the scheduling of these appointments? Would she need someone with her? If so, that would probably be an extra charge. Realize that SIL might be making all sorts of appointments for MIL, and then it will be someone else's problem to get her to these appointments.
Medicaid pays the entire bill for these ALs in Florida? Even for the add-ons? ARE there add-ons? SIL must ask to see a price list at the next place she goes and ask these specific questions.
I saw the price list for several ALs in my area. Each additional level of care was more money. Laundry service was extra. I've seen the AL's little bus while at medical appointments with my mother (the AL I was going to insist upon if she ever agreed to go to one).Everyone was independently going to their appointments in the building. Can MIL do that?
At the NH, my mother pays for transport to her outside appointments at $65/RT. I was told someone needed to accompany her, so I go along (for free). We are cutting down on these outside appointments; next one is the cardiologist -- don't know if she'll be going to that one if we have her on comfort care by that time. (She currently has pneumonia as of Thursday.)
So what I'm getting at is that SIL really needs to make sure just what exactly is funded by Medicaid in these ALs. Everything??? No limits? An aide to accompany to outside appointments, if deemed necessary?
I'm concerned about YOU becoming the appointment assistant, the laundress, the Poochy caretaker, etc.
You or H will be steppin' and fetchin' still, although in a different way.
How far are these ALs from your house?
My experience was that during the week there were not a lot of visitors in Mom’s facility. One man came daily to feed his ancient Mom. Another man came daily with his small dog to visit his wife.
During the week after 5pm, more visitors.
The weekend during the day more visitors.
The Facility had parties for Holidays. That’s when I saw the most visitors.
Laundry. Moms NH washed everything in HOT water. Then dried on HOT. If you wanted laundry handled differently you took it home and did it yourself.
The washing and drying on HOT faded labeling done with permanent marker or laundry pen. The woman in charge of laundry suggested “Puff Paint” found at WalMart in the craft section. That stuff worked great.
The four rooms you mentioned were probably kept open for isolation if someone had something very contagious or the very tail end of Hospice Care.
Doesnt matter really, just curious.
Mom went to the facility for rehab for 100 days. Then became a permanent resident. We just told her she had to stay until she got better.
My mother is much the same. I know in her mind, she is a pert little coed in a circle skirt and Janzten sweater and her pearls and daddy's Sigma Chi pin on her sweater.
Yep, 70 years ago.
When she sees herself--really sees---she is just shocked, I know. She has not had a full length mirror in any home for 40 years. So the "slumping" has happened slowly but surely.
We were walking through the grocery store not too long ago and she saw herself from the shoulders down in the mirror over the veggies. She didn't see me and was confused. "Look at that poor thing! Oh don't you feel for her? I am so grateful my mother drilled perfect posture into ME! If I ever look that bad, just kill me". She's was talking pretty loudly, and a lot of people just shot me that "I'm so sorry" look.
I didn't tell her she was looking at herself. What's the point?
Things are moving for you, but until she is placed, her house is sold and her things stored or sold/given away--I would hold my breath. Guess I am pretty much a negative Nancy, but some events with a friend over the past year has taken most of my trust in people. I just. Don't.
However--it is telling that SIL is falling apart. She's just experiencing stress related issues which won't get better for a bit.
As always, Good luck with this.
Personally, Dorker, I am glad you put your big toes in the water. But no more than that!
If she needs something from the store " I'll put it on the list". Someone going once a week to visit, drop off supplies should be sufficient.
If she hates the onsite hairdresser, arrange for dd to do her hair. Or take her once a month to a salon.
How regularly scheduled " stuff" gets taken care of?. You and DH need to talk about that. He needs to be the main local point of contact.
SIL needs to be drilled that MIL is on palliative care. Not " fix it" care. And remember, when she blows up your phone, just say "no, I can't do that".
Pampered Poochie made me kind of laugh, too, as my MIL had an old fat pampered poochie too that no one wanted. But it was my MIL's biggest concern while she was dying (cancer), so being soft-hearted, I promised that Ginger would have a home with us. (I was young then, like DD). Anyway - when we took Ginger in, we just treated her the same as any other pet we had. No special cooking (as MIL had done), no ointments, preparations, or potions... just standard dog-fare like our other other dog, and cat. Man, that dog was something - her weeping ears and eyes actually cleared up, her fat and hot-spots disappeared, and she slowly became active. She changed from an old, fat, lazy, fussy dog into a vibrant, happy part of the family, and we all fell in love with this new Ginger, until she died, almost 7 years later. (she was 15 when we took her.) Just goes to show, I guess, that over-fussing is NOT always the key to health. ;-)
And after all this goes down, the new rule is gonna have to be - NO micro-managing from SIL, unless she wants to come to FL to do stuff. (But she may have learned that lesson by now.) Whoever agrees to help out MIL must be the one who deems what is needed, and what is done.
On the detergent issue: one of my adult kids and I both have the detergent issue. I'm almost positive that the reason SIL's favorite detergent is on the list is because detergents like Tide leave a residue behind. In order to use MIL's washer, SIL would need to clean it well to get rid of the enzymes. By using only the special stuff in a washer, we don't have that problem. My son discovered his allergy at college; he was on steroids a month to get the hives down and the dorm had a special washer dedicated to unscented use because of the ADA requirement.
My mthr, also allergic to Tide, is able to tolerate what her MC uses. When she had a suspicious skin rash, we bought the special detergent for use on her clothes and there was not even an extra charge for it. We are so thankful the staff can wash the Depends blowouts when they happen as *I* am *not*.
MIL gets plugs inserted in her tear ducts periodically.
Not sure why.
Is followed for histioplasmosis... has to be seen/followed for that.
Vision exams
Gets steroid shots and some kinda gel injections in her bad knees
Has some kinda bunion thing on the sole of her foot. Has to be whittled at periodically.
Prone for skin cancers .. not serious. Have to go to Dermo...
That doesn't even cover the frequent
UTI flare ups
Diverticulitis flare ups
Cardio for Afib/CHF
Neuro for stroke history and neuropathy and med thereof
And God knows what else I'm forgetting.
Lab work
On and on it goes
Wth?
I remember purposely stepping back from it all ... having counted like 30 different trips to docs or labs or whatever inside of just a few months.
I'm not anxious to fire up that rail car again.
The podiatrist visits every 3 mos. The beautician visits bi weekly. On hospice, even the x Ray machine comes to visit.
I went along with this for a couple of months, but the eye doc seemed confused about why she was coming in so often.
Sat mom down. " Why are you you g to see doc A so often, mom?"
( Mother bursts into tears and says " because I'm going blind from macular degeneration ".
Called doc in mom's presence. Assured that what she had was the good, or progressive form of MD.
Found an online chart mom to check each month.
Tonight would've been as good a time as any to lay the cards on the table, that we I won't be running a mobile service, as to the "go do __________".
But .. get too close to the fire . you get burned. I'm backing up.
Cluster Eff out that way.
I had been with DD and kids today and been shopping most of the day . had lunch out.
M had wanted to see the kids .. and so DD promised she'd come that way later for M to visit the kids before she leaves for IL tomorrow.
I hadn't really planned to be a part of that . but then thought .. "well maybe with all present and accounted for, we'll just scoot out there a bit .. and visit and we'll talk about some of that".
But in the interim it was somehow decided between DD and M .... (vegetarian M) would order dinner out .. for delivery/take out, whatever.
So I thought . .. yea okay .. we'll see how this all goes. I used to be the coordinator/planner of all things meals and gatherings . that ship sailed.
So .. probably about 30 mins ago (dinner time in my book) ... SIL texts .. "hey are you and DH coming out tonight?".
Goes on further "We're at "x" AL site . waiting on one of the nurses to take us on a tour of the place.
<<You're kidding right ... you've got DD coming there with kids .. kids who go to bed at 7:30 . it's now just about 6 PM . and you're just now .. at a site to tour the AL .. and nothing done about dinner, in the way of ordering/delivery .. nah .. not gonna get on that trainwreck . no thanks>>>
My answer: "I don't know . .we may scoot by there, but don't plan on us for dinner, .. we'll probably grab something on the way out".
So I mention that to DH as a plan .. "hey .. why don't we just grab something ourselves on the way out there, they're still at the AL place, M and SIL . and I just talked to DD . she's already on her way there, and was shocked/upset to learn that nothing has even been planned .. that dinner will be upon them . .and no one has any plan .. she says she can't stay long . she'll have to get the kids back . .and fed and in bed .. she can't hang around and wait for them to get it together .. wanna just grab something . on the way there, .. tell them to not worry with us .. they can figure out what they want, but we'll have already eaten".
Well this .. sent everything into a tailspin.
DH: "No .... I don't care .. we'll just eat whatever it is they're doing . doesn't matter .. I don't want to be a chit to them .. let them figure out what they're doing and we'll eat there">
Me: "Nah .. I was just there yesterday DH .. I spent all day with them . and into the night . .and that kitchen table . you can't even see it's a kitchen table, paperwork spread out everywhere .. pill vials .. it's just . there isn't even anywhere to sit to eat .. it's a mess . the dining room table too .. I was just there .. and from the sounds of it, . they're still touring that AL . so nothing has even been ordered .. so .. ".
DH: "Well I'm going . doesn't matter to me . I'll do whatever they're doing . if we eat at 9 ... and have to clear the tables to be able to sit and eat, . we'll do it".
ME: "Okay .. not interested .. go on and go".
So I stayed behind.
Just a cluster ..
I don't care to get in the middle of it all ...
Would've been a good time perhaps to get the cards on the table as to the fact, I'm not now gonna be the stepper fetcher .. that role has ended for me.
But I just didn't care to get in the middle of all the haywire desribed above .. so I stayed behind ..
DD is only gonna be there probably 30 mins .. as they haven't planned .. as to dinner, and she's got kids to feed .. and bed down .. and so .. she'll be there only briefly .. and .. I just didn't feel like getting in the middle of it all .. trying to sort thru and clear paperwork all off of tables everywhere . to find a six inch square of somewhere to sit my plate.
In the
We'll help.
By declining, you side-stepped everyone’s disorganization and lack of forethought. And forced them to own it.
As an added bonus, no one can expect you to fuss around like Edith Bunker at MIL’s house if you aren’t there.
YAY boundaries! 👍🏼
Interestingly enough .. DH came home from there and had a bowl of cereal for dinner. I asked, . ."did they get a takeout going .. or go pick up something?". His answer: "No .. I left there they still hadn't done anything about dinner, poor B".
Glad I didn't go. I stayed here and ate crackers for dinner, . .and some cheese and was just fine with it . absent the chaos of that scene thank ya very much.
I'm about to blow my stack this evening though .. I mean really!
First thing .. DH comes home with the following exasperation that I don't guess he summarily shut down .. but I did:
His words: "Ugh . they want us to take poochy .. it's gonna be so sad ... MIL is gonna loose her beloved home, .. and her dog . it's so sad .. she won't even have her dog! I mean the dog is gonna have to go live with SIL .. she won't even get to see him".
Me: "What did you tell them?".
Him: "I just said .. Oh Ya'll!".
Me: "That was your answer, .. *oh ya'll* . that was the answer?".
Him: "I didn't tell them yay or nay".
I didn't say another word to him, but picked up my phone that still has that active group text that we all seem to interact through and said the following (and yes he is part of that texting .. if he reads it . fine .. if not .. fine too .. don't care:
"So .. DH just got home from there . says you guys want us to keep poochy .. I don't want an aging, needy, expensive .. dog .. He has far too many health maladies and I don't want to take that on, with his expensive foods and grooming .. and high maintenance ways. I've never had a pet that was high maintenance and I sure don't want one now"
SIL didn't weigh in for a while, but then she did: 'it's okay we'll take him, he'll just live with us in IL".
Yep .. works for me.
Had it gone any further, either under this roof or via that group text . I'd of reminded everyone ..
"Your mom had a choice to accept AL in IL . and vehemently declined that option. Had she gone with that option . the dog living in IL . she'd of not had to lose also her dog .. but .. she has choices .. and that doesn't mean that I'm so sad at the prospect of all this that I want to now take on the dog's well being .. I do not".
I didn't have to go that far, .. but I would've.
There is also DH's overwhelming sadness and .. yes .. guilt .. he feels guilty .. yes!
At this whole direction/transition. Feels so sad . so guilty ....
He said it himself, . I feel like I could just break down crying . it's all so sad.
Let me tell ya . he'd spent some time with his mom today . a good deal of the day actually.
And it's interesting . I know for a fact, having been with MIL yesterday ... visiting there with SIL and M .. in attendance. SIL is feeding her mom bits and pieces of this . in baby spoonfuls so as to help her mom digest . that there is in the offing (I don't think she processes how soon) .. the very real eventuality of placement, but in baby spoonfuls only.
So yesterday .. when we were there, she'd had some awareness we'd been meeting with Betty Medicaid . .and she was .. I guess . with that knowledge . .of the mind . that we now had it all sewed up. Not so.
Her inquiring of the SIL, myself and M contingent there .. "so did you guys figure out where you're gonna put me".
That is too far a jump for her . that was being a smart azz on MIL's part . no way do we know that much yet ..
M answered her with kind of a scoff and explained, . "Well there's a lot to it . I mean we have to get an atty . and we have to fill out a lot of paperwork . and we're going to look at some places .. so no .. we haven't found any place yet".
That met MIL's response: "Well just make sure it's a nice play . now I want you guys to find a nice place".
At that M responded: "Well granny .. we're looking at a lot of things . is it safe, is it clean, is the