I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Is the staff professional/friendly .. lots of different aspects .. ".
SIL now weighing in . and hand motions of gradiants of priority: "Priorities mom . just because it's nice . doesn't always mean it's safe and friendly .. so priorities".
That was met with the mom: "Well just make sure it's nice, .. I don't want to be in some hell hole".
So all that .. to point out that as of yesterday there was some dialogue on it, . some discussion .. baby spoonfuls but none the less... it is being fed in little bits.
So then today DH goes there, spends a good deal of the day there. But .. the sadness ..
Him having imparted that his mom said something similar to this: "I know *they're* all out there trying to find somewhere to put me .. and it's to my detriment ... they don't need to be doing that .. I just want to go to my home, just me and my little dog .. and SIL can go on back home to IL . and just leave me be".
This then brought about DH pointing out to her . the various reasons why living alone is no longer safe for her: "Mom you don't eat .. you don't take your meds .. you're sick every few weeks with something . and can't take care of yourself at this point it's about your safety .. ".
MIL: "Well I don't care about all that .. I just want me and my little dog . that's all . in my home".
I don't know what else was said I wasn't there, I was out shopping with and for my g'kids with DD and having lunch out.
This evening .. DH .. (he'd been home all afternoon . after having left his mom .. working on some estimates here). So not like he just came from his mom's visit. And then later he left to go that cluster eff over at where his SIL and M are staying in MIL's home . and I stayed here.
When he returned from there . just overwhelming sadness at it all. Said he could just break down and cry . feels so sad . so guilty . that he just wishes we didn't have to do this.
I said: "You have to stop looking at it from the prism of how sad it is . and look at it from the aspect of how much more safe she will be .. how it will help with how isolated she is . .living alone at home .. she is too isolated .. she needs the safety of around the clock staff .. she can't care for herself any longer .. it is sad . .but it is also necessary"
This then brought about (if I'm not mistaken .. YD . would like to pick a fight about all this . in her demeanor) .. her side glance at her dad and his sadness . she feels much the same way ... that it breaks her heart . being out at what is MIl's home . (where they both had just come from .. YD also headed out that way when she got off work) . and visited .. her words, at her sideways glance at her dad who she obviously wanted to weigh in also . and against my positive spin "It's still SAD MOM .. it's not gonna go well .. Granny is gonna .. this is gonna break her heart .. that she's having to go this direction . something she NEVER wanted to have to do".
DH: "Maybe we should just pay YD to do it .. maybe she could stay in her home and YD can take care of her".
Me: (Scoffing at the absurdity of it) .. "You have seen what this is doing to SIL . you want to do that to YD . it takes so much to care for her! .. .You know that . you want YD to give up her life .. are you serious?".
DH, sad and sullen: "I just wish we didn't have to do this .. it's gonna be .. it will probably be the end of her . she will not want to go on living".
Me; "Life is what you make of it .. it really is .. she can certainly take that avenue if she wants . or she can choose to work through some of this . maybe some therapy .. maybe some anti depressant . I dunno .. but there is no one that can take care of her around the clock DH .. and I don't want YD giving up her life to do it .. and I can't even believe you would think that's an option".
YD weighing in: "I could do it .. I could help .. I could move in out there and when I'm not working .. I could take care of her".
Me: "And when you aren't
And when you aren't going to school, or going out of town to see your b'friend .. or going out with your friends .. right?".
YD: (glance of being angry at me, for not weighing that as any viable option) .. "Well I just hate it mom . .I hate it for her . that house . it means the world to me too .. I spent a good deal of my childhood . in happy days there . with granny and that home is gonna be gone . and her gone . it's gonna kill her to have to do this".
I didn't say anymore, obvious that this could easily escalate to a fight here.
I'm just done ..
I wanted to say to her, .. "Take your happy azz 26 yo self that has no effing life experience at all this .. and get the h377 outta my damn face .. and quit glancing at your dad outta the corner of your eye to try to spark a fight here . get outta my azz".
That's how it was going.
About to loose my cookies here with all this chit! Too close to the fire, get burned.
I probably should've just reiterated .. "you guys decide what ever you need to . I'm out of this whole thing .. you all know my stance .. I don't do c'giving any longer, do as you will".
And left it at that ...
You can tell that there is a lot of charged emotion behind all this ..
YD has certainly seen the days when there used to be massive blow ups here between DH and myself .. when I was told how "selfish" I am for stepping away from it all . and worse .. she saw it.
Now we're at the precept that we're going in this direction .. and it saddens YD .. as well as DH .. and so she was looking in his direction to try to spark .. possibly some argument.
In that same discussion .. I had brought up the following: "I agree with something M said yesterday .. she said .. that with the help of all of us . she has probably had at least 10 good years in that home .. w/her dog . and she probably has had 10 years more than she would've . had we not all pitched in .. ".
That brought about YD .. "I know . I remember even when I was in high school .. near misses with granny .. and we didn't know that she should be living alone and I've been out of high school now for almost six years . that was six years ago!".
I responded: "Really, what specifically?".
(I wasn't looking for a fight . I was just looking to remember what might've been the saga at that time . that I don't remember at this point . there have been so many)
That brought about from YD . a rather angry: "I don't know MOM !!!!!!! GOD .. I don't remember .. I just know that even when I was in high school she was having a hard time . !!!!!".
What the h377 ever .. go away ..
I didn't say that .. I just shut it down with saying to her: "Damn . alright then . whatever . not starting a fight here .. and don't want one .. done talking about it".
GOOD GRIEF ..........................
How do other people get thru all this in tact.
They do . I read about it . .but this whole sordid b'chit .. it's never gonna end!
As long as they understand that you have zero interest in playing backup to their idiocy, it's of no concern to you. That's a good boundary to set. Be indifferent.
Again, my curiosity, so all the players were there, DH, YD, SIL,M, maybe DD. Did this grand YD caregiver scheme come up at MILs house? DH and YDs ride home or were these just random thoughts they were voicing at your house?
I suggest stepping back and letting whoever is involved in this scheme duke it out.
Again, a team MIL is trying to be put together...
From the sounds of it, DD was there, .. at least some of that time . and I know when DD and the twins are in attendance, nobody talks about anything with any train of thought .. the twins upend any possibility of that ..
So I don't imagine there was a pow wow . and a new Team MIL devised. Not at all.
I think it was some of it .. M and SIL had just come from an AL .. what we saw yesterday was the short stay of the LTC that will be a required step in this linear path to the whole AL.
M and SIL went this afternoon . at dinner time .. the time allotted they'd invited all to come for whatever take out or delivery they conjure up .. and they instead somehow opted for that time slot to go and view this specific AL.
The report of that setting . per DH . and what he hears from M and SIL .. is that it is adequate . the staff friendly ..
That MIL .. has enough $ . she can even have a private room .. for about 1 1/2 years . but after that, . without the $ . she'll have to go to a shared room, or we'll all fork over an add'l $1200 monthly for her to stay in a private room .. and that she'll have to go to the dining room in this setting, . that's where all meals will be served .. no meals brought to rooms there ..
YD hearing this .. DH explaining to me .. and her chiming in . that MIL is gonna not be happy w/that . and then started the whole dialogue of how sad all this is gonna be and possibility of argument and feud here.
His mom just gave him a big old guilt trip, and YD doesn't like seeing her dad sad so she said what she did, but I doubt she would actually follow through with doing it. Sounds like they were both just having an emotional moment.
I'd just nod sympathetically, and say, "Yes, it is sad all the way around. Hopefully the nice people there can help you guys help her come to terms with everything."
Hang on tight, Dorker. You’re not even to the point when mil really starts in with the tears - dissolving their steely resolve into pity puddles.
Seems like this is - here in the beginning of the beginning - is already being undermined in a reversed order. Those with the least amount of actual hands-on experience have become the weakest link.
I guess THEY can afford to be magnanimous- with all their profound sadness and hero worthy ideals.
Arent you glad you became re-involved? Just in time, too. Every hero MUST have a villain.
My advice? If yd wants to adjust her cape and go save granny - DO NOT stop her. DONT! Least you forever become the villain in this saga.
Sad? Of course this is sad! It’s tragic and sad and supremely unjust. These poor old folks had no ultimate choice in the chitty hand old age has dealt them. Any more than we’ve had the choice but to love them - still - as they disappear before our eyes. But sacrificing our own selves before the alter of “its so sad” doesnt make us heroes. It just makes the whole thing even more sad.
In closing - a favorite quote. Not from a movie but from my dad - my hero! A man who meant it when he said “I don’t want to be a burden”. A favorite saying of his:
”If brains were dynamite” - your house would be the safest place in Florida.
... and I don’t mean you, dear Dorker!
Reading about YD and DH makes me FURIOUS!
It is always the ones who have done the least....
Too bad YD has never gone and sat with Granny for a weekend!
She clearly has NO IDEA!
When I was in my mid 20's, I "granny-sat" for a weekend so my parents could escape and get a much needed break. It wore me out!
It was an endless routine of:
*getting her into bed
*getting her up to use the potty chair
*cleaning her up (90% of the time it was chitzapalooza)
*helping her to the living room to her lift chair
*fetching her drink & meds
*finding her a program on TV (no remote)
*cooking her meal
*feeding her (she was too shaky to feed herself)
*getting her into the bathroom onto the shower seat and helping her shower
*dressing her
*back to the potty chair
*more clean up
*back to bed
*back to the potty chair
*back to the living room
*cook and feed her lunch, etc.
Like MIL, my grandmother was able to use a walker, but could barely shuffle and was S-L-O-W. Also, in between each of these tasks, she'd yell out for me! I'd come running thinking she had fallen. ALL NIGHT LONG she'd yell and we'd be up and down to the potty chair, lift chair (her back was hurting from laying down) and back to bed (tired of sitting). I was LUCKY if I had a chance to use the restroom or eat a snack. Forget stepping outside to get some fresh air and scream! No time for that!
Glad you made it very clear that you aren't going to take Poochy. I bet H wouldn't be the one taking care of that dog, right? Maybe DD will mention that she will take him (didn't she already?); that will make everyone happy.
YD wants to move in with MIL? I wonder how long that would last. She would expect someone to fill in while she's out living her life (hmmm...wonder who that would be???).
I think YD would expect you to start steppin' and fetchin' again, and DD would expect you to help out with and fund Poochy. Your daughters think you would be a soft touch.
So it's an additional $1200/month for a private room at the AL after MIL's money runs out and she goes on Medicaid? That would be $600 from DH and $600 from SIL? I guess you're willing to pay that?
I'm still wondering about the appointments, if they will indeed be limited and if MIL can do them by herself (via the AL van). SIL must be on board that her mother no longer needs all of the specialists.
I hope that you won't be running out to MIL's AL all of the time, Dorker. Maybe that could be YD and DD's shared responsibility. We know H isn't going to do it!
My mother is now in a private room in a NH. Try though I might, I have not been able to limit my visits to once a week. Something is always going on that I have to be there. The longest I've gone between visits is 6 days. Since she's entered the NH (to finish her rehab and then remain there as a long-term resident in the same room), she's had multiple falls (nothing injured), a suspected multi-drug resistant bacteria (that she didn't end up having), periods of agitation that required me to hire sitters overnight, vaginal bleeding, bad color and somnolence, and (the latest) pneumonia (that is being treated with some oxygen and antibiotics at the NH). She's pulled out her gallbladder drain and tube (probably in her sleep), so I feel like she's a ticking time bomb as to when her gallbladder will become infected again (there are still gallstones in her duct and gallbladder). A few times they wanted me to come and sit with her (not overnight).
I am about 20-25 minutes away from the NH. It can easily take hours once I'm out there.
Dear little YD who lives her life - there WON'T be any work, visiting boyfriend, seeing your friends if you are granny's caregiver - she can't be left alone for anytime. You'll be desperate for the 2 - 4 hours per week you might get for respite. Good grief - is this kid blind or what.
MIL unfortunately has passed far beyond what "good intentions" (you for 15 years, SIL almost killing herself after 6 months) will get her. She now needs a place where the equipment and full staff are in place for 24/7 care. This is not something you can replicate at her house where there isn't even a good washing machine.
YD sounds young and naïve - but if DH is stupid enough to seriously consider her as caregiver??? Have him spend 48 hours uninterrupted with his mom and see if that is the kind of life he wants to hand his daughter for the next several YEARS. YD might do it for a day or too then it is "too hard, I don't see my friends, I can't work..." then DH will be all over your azz because he can't do it "I'm working to keep a roof over this house, for Chrissakes!!!" and SIL will long have scampered back to IL. I'm hoping this was just an emotional time and not something seriously under consideration. Yikes.
Gently agree with YD that it is sad. (meet emotion with emotion) but if she starts talking in a hairbrained way - let her know no one is trying to be mean to her grandmother - but the AL is the only place where the level of care is available - shifts of people, multiple people in shifts. Grandma won't be abandoned - you all will visit plenty.
YD reminds me of my sister - emotional when dad had his strokes, weeping at his bedside (think Garbo in Camille and you get the idea of the drama between my drama king and queen - dad and sister), attacking his doctors over treatment. Insisting that we will "take care of dad" but when stepmom needed caregiver breaks - I went monthly. Little sister went ONCE - was so frustrated by my dad that she never did it again - always "too busy" with her small daughter. I'm kind of a sh#$ - it has gotten to the point that when I refuse to participate in one of her swoop in missions that I have her sign a paper where I state that I am not participating and when it gets too much for her - she can't come and demand of me. She'll haughtily sign - but the kicker is - I've had to produce these papers when it does get to much and she is kicking me to step in.
Seriously though, your DH can feel guilt now - what an a@@. but do something, for Chrissakes!, visit MIL more often. Help with the AL selection and the paperwork. Step up re the sale of the house. Sitting and feeling sorry for everyone does not help with the workload ahead.
"Adequate" .. I don't guess falls under the category of "Nice".
That .. somewhat problematic to all. SIL and M are the ones with the first hand view of these places. They went yesterday to where MIL would .. (I guess if it all goes this way) one of the sites . .recommended .. by Medicaid Betty as to AL. "Adequate" about describes it.
Maybe we're playing catch-up here. While I, admittedly, have had about zero exposure to any of these places, to have any frame of reference to know what these places should look like. That's the truth. I also, .. I guess, . .having been on this page, far longer than has her son or her daughter .. that she needs more care .. skilled around the clock care ... had some recognition, at least . that it's not gonna be a palace. I don't know what I thought it might look like . having no experience seeing any of these places. But I also .. at least had the rudimentary knowledge .. it's not gonna be a palace, it just isn't.
You have to remember .. DH always the sideline sitter and follow the leader, as to popular persuasion .. and his sister .. leading the pack with her mantra .. "it just makes her too sad to contemplate placement anywhere .. I want her to be happy in her waning years .. as best I can achieve that anyway .. and so I'll just do what I can to look after her, . as long as I can . and then .. I don't know .. I don't know when that comes .. but til then . I'll just be her c'taker".
That was the mantra . .until what .. two weeks ago or so. And DH with his "follow popular persuasion" .. also on that page himself . and that was their mentality/approach.
No one, seemingly, even entertained any notion of .. "gee . wonder what these places are gonna look like".
YD, DD ... they still don't know .. they only hear .. what is stated by SIL and M .. they aren't visiting sites with M and SIL.
Same with DH.
"adequate" .. a word that strikes sadness
Yes DD did offer to take pampered poochy. I haven't heard anymore on that .. except when I mentioned that to DH in passing .. several days ago, his response was "Her husband is gonna have something to say about that .. he is counting the days til the dog they already have . passes over the rainbow bridge .. and doesn't want another pet .. that's not gonna fly with him".
I didn't hear anymore on it .. and didn't ask.
And yes .. Pampered poochy . with his special dietary restrictions .. and his special shampoos . and creams and potions and pills .. and his grooming needs, and numerous vet visits for various recurring afflictions . .he is going to be one expensive pet for whoever takes him on.
As I pointed out to DH (valid points in my book) .. "We already have a dog that landed here when YD moved back home . we didn't want one then even . but we've got one now .. her dog doesn't have any of the special needs this one does .. she buys a decent brand of food at the grocery . .and that's what her dog eats .. and he doesn't have skin afflictions and ear problems and mouth problems and special shampoos . what are we gonna do to keep pampered poochy out of the ordinary store brand food . and then pampered poochy develops skin issues for eating store brand run of the mill food instead of his special foods .. what . then we run off to the vet to get antibiotics to treat it .. and the expense thereof .. what are we gonna do to keep the dog already living here . .. from eating special dietary dog foods . that are expensive .. and now we have to go buy more . because we have two dogs eating it ... ".
No I don't think MIL could've stayed with SIL for a year and SIL be still
SIL still be on her feet and functional. It would've been a nightmare .. so how realistic any AL placement in IL .. I don't guess that would've been possible .. except to say that M works in the pharma field there . and knows a lot of the medical professionals .. and so .. she does have "some" capabilities there to grease the wheels . but she can't grease Medicaid's wheels for a state where MIL is not a "resident" .. that's for sure.
BTW .. on the pampered pooch topic .. SIL had . when DD announced she'd take him, she did so with the preface .. she has a dog already that is low maintenance and she cannot afford all his special needs. This prompted SIL to answer that she would fund that .. she'd be responsible for the medical costs of poochy if DD would take him. I don't think DD's husband took that laying down though . but I don't know.
I still don't know the answers on whether or not .. SIL has reached any level of understanding that life at this point, for MIL . needs to be palliative rather than preventive ..
I guess she will have to come to that realization when she now resides in IL . and her mother in an AL here in FL . and begins directing . and finds out . her direction falls flat.
Is MIL capable of scheduling her own appts and managing the time/sequencing as to prep for doc appts and such .. not only no, H377 no. That's why SIL has been at the helm of all this for so long . .directing traffic. No, she has no ability to do that. None.
The standard procedure has been that SIL sees to that .. she, aware .. that MIL has a routine cardio appt . keeps track of that . and directs traffic .. as to prompting her mom ..
I have no clue how that's all going to go. A good time for me to have tabled that would've been last night . .maybe after DD and the twins left there .. but I didn't care to get in the middle of that 3 ring circus ongoing .. so I stayed home.
Is MIL now going to be a willing participant to get on some bus that transports to doc offices and be carted around? I can only say that has been a flat out no . in times past. I don't expect that's gonna change.
And MO .. she .. is not cognizant enough to even be aware .. as to what the instructions are from any doc visit . and follow thru on same. .
No, YD would .. she'd offer to stay with her granny when not working . but as would be the case with most 26 yo's .. she'd be wanting to resume her life .. and so would be looking for non-existent TEAM MIL to pick up the slack so she can go on with her life ..
I think Barb's approach is best .. "indifference". Sure YD . that sounds great, go ahead and figure a plan there ..
And stay out of it.
PS - I think I'm coming across negative about your DH but I so want to kick him in the back side. You know him and appreciate him - so I apologize. It rubs me the wrong way because I have far too many older men in my life that think I'm here to serve and they get direct and do nothing.
But I saw, too up close and personal .. that they are far too capable of shoving all this to the other side of the table to not look at it, or look at it another day that never comes and then the chit hits the fan with the FOR CHRISSAKES DORKER ..
Saw it .. wore the tee shirt, . it's torn and tattered at this point.
So I speak up now .. but find that I am the voice of grounded reasoning . .and such a lonely echo to be that voice ...
It gets so tiresome ...
I just want to scream and throw things and yes at DH .. and yes, connect and hit him with things I threw at him .. and hard .. it gets so frustrating.
I just want to scream at him .. "ya know you damn friggin idiot .. there were YEARS .. ARE YOU LISTENING ................ Y.E.A.R.S ....!!!!!!!!..... that you were too frickin busy with orphaned church boys and holding a disintegrating church together to sit up and taken notice that I was run ragged with your mom's needs and your sister too pie in the sky deluded that your mom can manage .. every damn one of ya need to grow the eff up and be adults . about all this . it's long past damn time . now stop it already .. just get on board for a real and practical viable solution .... and it's not some pie in the damn sky her living in her damn home any longer .. just shut up
As I connect with the damn cast iron skillet I flung at the side of his head and connected with ...
Granny just wants to know it won't be a hell hole. She's moved on from
" I'll manage" to "Where are y'all gonna put me?"
And no, Dorker, she's not being a smart ass. She's cognitively impaired and has no clue how much planning this all takes and that there are lots of moving parts.
Just ignore the drama queens in your house. You notice it's all about how yd will miss granny's house and how dh feels sad. Very little being said about granny's actual frigging needs, dontcha know....
And yes, I'd be furious at DH. Didn't he say the other day that he'd lived it, saw how she couldn't be gotten up by himself and SIL? Saw that she needed to be someplace with care?
Call pastor or church ladies if you need backup.
I didn't think MIL could handle her own medical appointments. I feel that putting her mother in AL will be enough of a challenge for SIL. Having her accept that there will be no more visits to specialists may be something she just can't do. If MIL can't handle her appointments by herself, it will probably be an extra charge to have someone from the facility accompany her to the appointments. Will Medicaid pay for that? If not, all eyes will be on you, probably. Are you willing to do that?
My mother always thought she was too good for the handicapped transit, just like MIL. And, after all, my mother had her DDD (Dummy Driver Daughter). She is so out of it now that she doesn't complain when the NH's transport van has to take her places. But I was told that I have to accompany her. So it's $65/RT and I get to travel for free. But it takes hours...what happens is that I have to call the transport driver when the appointment is over, and then we have to wait until the transport van comes back. As I wrote earlier, it takes hours...
BUT we are decreasing these appointments. My mother's NH has a doctor on staff, as well as medical staff during the week from the local medical school. She really needs the care of a NH as opposed to an AL. I'm still kind of surprised that MIL will be able to get by in an AL. For all the things she needs done for her, it would be many additional levels of care (with accompanying charges) here. And some of the highest levels of care in an AL aren't much cheaper than a NH.
*Will MIL see her AL when the decision is made? Surely SHE isn't going to be a part of the decisionmaking? I'm wondering how that will go. And she could still just refuse. Was an appointment made with an elder attorney? *
Although this is kind of exactly what a lot of us thought would happen. Hand wringing, tears, complaints of being so, so sad....well who posted and said she's HAD 10 more years of independence b/c of YOU! That poster gets a gold star!!
Yes, it IS sad that we age and often do not do so graciously and attractively. Not in the way we want or the place we want.
If we've lives of "awareness" of other people and their needs and wants and have not been catered to 24/7/365 our whole lives--then the changes come and we cry a few tears, figure out what to do and move on.
MIL and SIL have not lived those kinds of lives. MIL Is obsessed with herself and SIL is obsessed with MIL. Sick twisted dynamic and not likely to change.
If y'all don't keep on the same page and the of the same voice, this is all going to fall apart in less than a day--you'll wake up one morning to find somehow MIL has wrangled her way back home. (not your problem, but it will be for the flying monkeys as you firmly refuse to back that kind of nonsensical thinking.
I would HOPE that any SW worth her/his salt would do an in home visit and ascertain for themselves the impossible conditions for MIL continues residence there.
No doubt they've seen worse, but the point it: can MIL live in her home as it stands now and be remotely safe, esp if left alone for any length of time? Nope. no way. You gotta keep pounding that in their heads--everyone's--and when they get weird on you, stay home. That was a smart move!
Too bad your DH never really looked at his mother. She's on the verge of death, really, and NOW he suddenly sees that and hates it for her. where's he BEEN that last few years?
It's sad that b/c of MIL's very poor planning and use of her money she now has very few "nice" options. She did that to herself, back when she getting facelifts and full braces....in her 70's??
No, a lot of these places are not nice. MIL will simply have to be told she only has option a, b or c and she chooses and you move forward from there. The simple passage of time will make her make decisions---time is like that--it doesn't stand still while you are looking off in the distance.
Her failure to plan--is NOT your problem! (I still have that crazy woman n my life who will not give up custody of her g-kids and is now in foreclosure on her home--and in THAT process, she WILL lose the kids to foster care. All b/c she will not make a decision.
Just so annoying to deal with people of this mindset. I talk and talk to this woman and I may as well be screaming in a snowstorm. She simply doesn't listen and wants what she wants....but it won't happen.
What I feel towards her has changed from compassion and love to solid irritation and almost border on hate. (I don't hate HER, but I sure hate what she has neglected to DO.)
After the death of her husband, MIL immediately transferred her real and perceived needs (including her need for narcissist supply) onto her adult children.
And so it went. In the form of DH shifting the burden of (most) chores and (most) human contact to the uber-capable Dorker, who is hard-wired to not let anyone down.
SIL registered her devotion with her trademark blend of over-doing and undermining.
What’s so SAD now (aside from the obvious) is MIL being de-throned from her Queen Bee status.
MIL groomed her minions so thoroughly that THEY are put out and THEY are beside themselves at the prospect of MIL (finally) having to play by the same rules as everyone else.
MIL is now “reduced” to the same un-glamorous workaday options faced by anyone else who is 80-something with steadily-advancing decline and limited funds.
The big loss here? The loss of the lopsided family heroics.
Like any good narc, MIL has her adult children and select grandchildren convinced that this is THEIR loss. That THEY didn’t try hard enough. That THEY need to abandon all reason and pull one last trick out of their hats.
And the Oscar goes to....
Seriously!
MIL dedicated her entire life to doing things her way and to h*ll with the emotional or financial fall-out. Marriage. Child-rearing. Grandmothering. Dealing with aging. Widowhood. Dealing with advanced aging.
All on MIL’s terms. With MIL’s adult children identifying with it so strongly, they don’t know where MIL ends and they begin.
So yeah, Dorker, DH & SIL (& to an extent, YD) will fling their most loaded SAD statements at you.
This crew is very good at reacting and projecting. And very bad at self-soothing.
Dorker, affirm the sadness (such that it is) and hold your position. Do not engage in any round-robins of “what if.”
DH & SIL & YD know what needs to be done. Yet they still align themselves with MIL’s prime-directive of “window dressing.”
SAD indeed, Dorker.
With your boundaries (quietly) in place, show DH & SIL & YD as much love you can. They are battling feelings like they’ve never felt — or allowed themselves to feel — before.
(((big hugs)))
Lets hope this is emotional moment DH is having is short lived. It passes before he floats his ideas pasted SIL. If he does float these new ideas, let’s hope SIL knocks some sense into him with her newly acquired cane. Or, shocks him back onto the page by telling him if he wants to drive this train wreck and undo her work she will gladly book her flight home.
Yes its sad, but everyone does know that 24/7 family care is no longer an option, and MIL will need to be assured that she will not be abandoned in the future no matter where she ends up. That in itself will go a long way to settling things down, until she begins to realize this herself, and go aling with the program. MIL is terrified, and still on the page that if she improves enough, then she will be able to go home, and the worst thing that family members can do is to let her see cracks in the players, that she just might get her way, or she just might say "F it" and make this as difficult as possible and not sign the POA ppwk. I think the less said about Any future plans to MIL at this point the better, so that she concentrates on getting strong enough to even exsist into AL, and not end up in a NH, where she probably would be miserable for a long, long time.
Right now, all she can see is everyone running around like chickens, and her NPD is thriving, knowing that she is the center of attention, but as soon as she realises that she absolutely will not be going home, that is when the real kicking up will begin. Right now, playing on her Narc greed in a way that she feels loved and cared for, will go a long way in getting her to that realization. That is what we did with my FIL, "this will be better for you, regular meal times, good food, 24/7 caring staff, help with meds, showers, socialization, people of your simular age and interests, and you will still have your own personal belongings and familiar things around you, plus your own TV, a nice window to look out on and plenty of calls and visits from family", really play up her own creature comforts, as she is terrified of being abandonded into one of "those places", the dank and smelly NH of old, where she might have visited her own aging Grandparents.
Still, right here and right now, I would slow down on any discussions in front of her about future placement, as it is only scarying her at this point, as she probably feels she isn't being told the whole truth, just hearing snippits of hushed conversations, plus nobody really knows the whole truth just yet.
Right now all of the players should be visiting her and cheering her along, and the discussions with her should be about getting her stronger enough to enjoy the next phase of her life, and she should be told that that will be up to her and her efforts at the rehab facility, and that everything relies upon how well she does there, and "when she is better".
consider tweaking your upcoming Declaration of Participation.
Not the meaning of the message - just the manner in which it is communicated.
Rather than a “laying it on the line - I won’t be doing any X, Y and Z’s“ more of a - calling things to their attention.
Example: To sil and dh - “Once mil is placed, what are YOUR plans for MILs health care?” “How will YOU be getting mil to X, Y and Z appointments?”
Then, at that point if they are vague or magical or asking of your participation- this would be when you restate your resolve to remain a DIL and not a taxi nor a personal assistant and definitely not a caregiver.
It it might be a good idea to close with “Look, I’m not telling anyone else what they should or shouldn’t be doing in the way of participating in MILs care. Everyone here is an adult and I respect their right to make adult decisions in this SAD situation. I am asking for and assuming that same consideration”.
You might want to repeat that same final sentence to yd and dd as frequently as needed.
Maybe im just being Debbie Downer - cousin of Nancy Negative - but I do believe you are clearly being set up to be the Bad Guy in this. Your family needs to get the point that they - not you - are responsible for their own actions or lack there of.
At least, that’s how I’m seeing this
most recent turn of the page.
In my humble opinion this recent development of YD moving in with granny and saving the day - should neither be encouraged or discouraged.
Rather - merely acknowledged. And, perhaps clarified. “If that’s something you want to do - you should talk to Auntie about it”. As we here all know, it took sil actually strapping on her rubber boots before she was able to own the enormity of the caregiver role as well as just how fast it became a colossal failure.
Will it eff-up the whole transitioning to AL via rehab? Yep. But, thats not yours to own, Dorker.
Ive previously mentioned I was not a fan of this whole “steppin’ off the steppin’” approach to disentangle from being MILs caregiving. Not that I definitely didn’t agree that it had to be done - I just would have gone about it differently - but since you did take this route AND is has eventually wound its way to this critical point... I firmly believe you need to stay the course. This is not YOURS to fix. Further - I am a believer that if your not a player - you don’t get to judge the game plan. At least, that’s how I presented it to my brothers. AND - isn’t that what you want - to not be a player in this SAD, messed up game plan?
See it through to the bitter end. At least that’s my opinion for what it’s worth.
HOWEVER - that doesn’t mean that you can’t ask a few pointed, clarifying questions - nudging the players into reality.
Of yd: “What will happen with your job if you move in with granny?” “Who will YOU have watching granny while you’re at work”? “Do you think your boyfriend will be okay with coming to stay with you
on weekends - since you won’t be able to go stay with him?” ETC!!! Non-judgemental questions designed to shed slivers of reality.
Cause the thing is - it seems like you, Dorker - and no BS M are the
only ones capable of seeing through the sad and the rainbows. Everyone else seems to need actually living it - experiencing it with both hands - before they can recognize and accept the cold, hard facts.
And - regardless of what dh said to you in his sucking-up speech - all
apologies and compliments - he’s not there yet. Not really. How can he be? How can dh be “on the same page” when in truth - calling 911 and summoning an ambulance does not constitute him actually having even opened up the frickin’ playbook.
Nope. Unless these folks - on their own - come to a honest realization as to the hard, SAD, unvarnished truth of MILs condition and situation - you, dear Dorker will be - and remain The Villian.
A couple of takeaways.
Rainmom, you called it early on when you said that Dorker worries as obsessively as SIL. Dorker, the "what ifs" in your life are really poisoning your day to day existence. Is your therapist working on this with you? Have you tried meditation or other techniques to "let go, let God" ? I'm currently reading a little book called "10% Happier". You might find it instructive.
The SW at current rehab has stated, unequivocally, that MIL can no longer live alone and needs 24/7 help. They are not going to discharge her to her home unless they know that someone is there 24/7. That is not what YD is proposing is it?
We pointed out to you, early on, that what was going to HAVE to happen was a hospitalization followed by a rehab stint. And PROFESSIONALS telling your idiotic but loveable relatives that MIL is no longer SAFE to live at home.
If DH and YD keep up the yammering, please just tell them to talk to the SW at the facility about "making a plan to keep granny at home". She'll laugh them out the door and call APS.
Dorker, I'm as fascinated by your crew as the next person, and I'm not saying that this is getting tiresome (you really need a book agent, you know?). But this obsession with "what is going to happen" is not doing your physical or mental health any good.
I suspect that a big part of what is driving this is (the elephant in the room) the fact that you realize just how careless your DH is with the people he loves, including you. That needs to be addressed.
quote from the page:
"First of all, it is a violation of the U.S. Constitution to impose a residency requirement on an individual who moves into a state and then needs to apply for Medicaid. So the day after an individual moves, he or she can apply for Medicaid."
I also quickly found that info by googling, so the whole mess could have been done just as quickly in IL, which gets me even more annoyed at SIL. Probably even still could, if SIL found an adequate AL to move her to. Just move her, establish immediate residency in IL, and immediately sell the house. Pay the new AL until the funds run out, just like what will happen in FL.
That is why I always questioned this trip back to FL, and SIL's motives. She could still be doing all the doctor-scheduling, doggie pampering, and micro-managing from her own home in IL, with MIL safely in a nearby facility. I still suspect, in her heart, "dump and run" (as usual) was her motive all along, sans the work, but still with the great hand-wringing sadness - "There was nothing else I could do..." (It makes me call BS) How could just a couple weeks in FL open SIL's eyes so quickly? Surely it was much the same in IL, and must have been a monumental task to move the whole crew to FL, obviously with no intention whatsoever of living there! Yep - Dump and Run - you guys handle it. Now she doesn't even want doggie! grrrrrr
Has anyone even explored other options for Poochie's care? Perhaps DH should ask around at church or even make an announcement regarding the situation and the need. Have the church ladies ask around. You NEVER know what God will provide. There just may be an animal lover in the congregation looking for a way to serve God and this is a way to do it.
A similar situation happened when I had guardianship over my aunt with Alzheimer's. She had an adorable little poodle. In addition to the long list of things I was handling for her, I took him into my home. Within 2 weeks, after much praying, one of my cousins popped up and said she would love to take him after losing one of her dogs. This worked out beautifully. She gave him a wonderful home and he continues to thrive there. My best friend took an older collie when its elderly owner had to go to a NH and an announcement was made at church. The elderly owner was worried sick about her dog not having a home and this gave her great joy to know someone was giving the dog a good home.
But anyway ....
Let me kinda quote a convo that went on the other day between M and myself and SIL when we were out to check out the one site for LTC (short stay). This was before any supposed, .. "they want us to take poochy" that occurred last night .. this was prior to that. Us traveling around .. and going in the car to see MIL but also to go to the one site, for LTC.
SIL: "It sure is sad .. mom is gonna have to lose everything . her home, living in her home . and her dog . that dog means more to her . than almost anything . it's just all so sad.
M: Mom ... we could've gotten her into an AL in IL .. but she didn't want to be there .. and so .. you returned her to her beloved FL that she wants to be in .. She just hated it there, and said that she didn't want to be there . in IL . and .. said it's all different there, no familiarity with anyone or anything there. She could've chosen to stay in IL . and be in an AL there . and her dog would've been there, in the care of you and dad and she could've visited w/her dog .. but she didn't wanna stay there .. so . just think of this as your gift to her .. that you returned her to FL where she wants to be .. she doesn't get to see her doggie . .but you did give her the gift of getting her back to FL
Me: "I have never been able to figure out what difference it makes . maybe if I was 89 yo . maybe I'd get it. But .. I mean I get it as to the lack of any familiarity with the area . but she's not gonna be expected to get out and go anywhere for crying out loud, so what difference does it make in the end .. if you're confined to an AL and not getting out and about . that one .. I don't get".
M: "I know right! And ya know mom .. everybody that I know .. they all .. if their parent(s) get to the point they need more help and have to go into a facility the parent gets moved to where THEY ARE .. like it or not .... so .. whatever .. she didn't want to be there .. so you got her back to FL . but so she doesn't get to see her dog now .. at least she's back in FL where she wanted to be .. can't have it all, right".
I don't really know if SIL/M .. had any idea that Medicaid issues would've allowed her to remain there. It doesn't sound like it would've made any difference if one is going to defer to what MIL most wants ..
Is this more of SIL's dump and run. Or is it .. as has always been the case, . what MIL wants .. MIL gets .. she wants to be in FL by GOLLY .. that's what we're gonna do.
I agree with M .. couldn't agree more. She had a choice .. if her beloved pooch means that much to her . .she could've opted to stay there.
After all he does have that certificate to fly!
EmilySue - In the end, I agree that it was very likely - all along - SILs intention to “dump and run”. However, I don’t believe sil really looked at it in those terms. What happened in just two weeks that “opened SILs eyes? I do believe that sil expected that once back in The Promised Land of Florida - MIL would almost immediately improve. Both in health and attitude. Certainly, the incessant bitchin’ about how horrible life in Illinois is - would stop. But - guess what? MILs health did not improve and the bitchin’ about Illinois was simply replaced with incessant bitchin’ about something else. I think the reality of SILs last rainbow dream being utterly obliterated- that was the straw that broke SILs back.
As for mil choosing to stay in Illinois- ensconced in an AL BUT with visiting rights For Poochy - vs. Mil choosing to return to Florida where an AL awaits BUT no one will foster Poochy and bring him to visit... I sooooo doubt that any thoughts of the kind were ANYWHERE on MILs radar. I mean, come on - if mil isn’t able to connect the dots in regards to the toll caring for her has taken on her daughter- she sure as hell cant weigh the options of where to live as it relates to Poochy visitations. All mil could think was “I must get back to my house - just me and my dog - back in Florida. Everything will be better then”.
Upon hearing this, and the fact DH didn't squelch it .. I hopped on that group text and said I don't want Poochy. He's aged, high maintenance, too many health concerns .. we already have a dog.
SIL didn't weigh in for a bit but then did. Announcing it's not a problem, she'll take Poochy.
Good. Settled.
Interestingly enough... today ... I guess for the sake of clarity on that, SIL wanted me to know this all originated not from her, but from our daughters, DD and YD.
My guess .... them there at granny's house last night, reminiscent and forlorn about days to come and no longer will they visit MIL in her home .. how sad that concept is ... how sad .. that she will lose Poochy too ... maybe they felt they just HAD TO get their mom (me) on board to take Poochy and keep him local.
It wasn't SIL behind this but my daughters.
Story stays the same. I really don't want another pet. Specifically a high maintenance aged pet.
Fortunately for Poochy ... he couldn't find a better home than SIL & B. I think Poochy is actually good for B. Gives him purpose and B seems to enjoy him.
Sadly that'll mean Poochy will depart from MIL....the only owner he's ever known. And MIL departure from his companionship.