I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I mean .. c'mon .. it was as recent as just as after xmas .. into January .. and I called them to let them know their transport .. to pick them up for their scheduled flight (glorious return) to FL .. had the Shingles (me) .. and that I didn't think I was contagious .. as long as both have been vaccinated or have had chicken pox .. but nonetheless there it is .. I'm supposed to come get you guys from the airport . .and I've been sidelined here with Shingles.
That's when I found out . that MIL too had Shingles .. concurrent with a UTI.
This rendering her bladder not functional and had been catheterized . .and she'd now have to cancel their flight .. and come once that calamity settles .. weeks to come.
During that time frame .. SIL still firmly on the stance ... she'd just bring her mom to FL . .per her mom's wishes . and they'd stay here a while, then return to IL, . .at some future not designated date.
At that point . she was still firmly entrenched in her mindset . that she's gonna be her mom's c'taker .. and no notion whatsoever that they'd return to FL and get on it post haste .. as to placement. Not at all.
Fast forward a few weeks on thru January and into the beginning of February . they fly here . .beginning of February .. the 3rd in fact.
By February 17 .. the mom sitting on the sofa . .not responsive . disoriented . .a call here to DH .. to come help .. and 911 summoned .. MIL carted to hospital .. and UTI and Diverticulitis flare up the dx. And from there discharge to rehab (which is a first . .it's always been discharge for home).
The only thing that I can conclude has to be .. the frequency with which MIL is waylaid with yet another malady . happens a lot with her . here she'd just been on the battle front with the Shingles .. (buttocks and genitals . and SIL having to doctor her . .and take care of the catheter bag) .. not mere weeks prior .and yet here we are again . her ill ..
And .. not only that .. remember .. don't forget .. they arrived here and soon announced that B's sister is dying in St. Lois .. and they may need to depart for a funeral .. .via their home . .to grab funeral clothes, etc. To which they were told . not an option .. I'm not looking after MIL . .remember what I said, .. I'm out of the c'giving biz . .and yes that means even in the event of family emergency on B's family's side .. you're the one that wants to wear that hat .. wear it proud sister!
Suddenly .. the jig is up . she no longer can do this f/t c'giving thing .. it's killing her . she is going down with the ship .. and has to save herself . .and so here we are today . on that road/path ... to get placement.
Was it the succession of so many illnesses and maladies and in her f/t care (it was no cake walk the stay in IL and MIL's 2 separate hospitalizations there, for TIA's . one the direct result of failure to take her meds) .. .and MIL's incessant bitching . not wanting to be there .. and if she could ever get outta there, she'd NEVER come back again . .even in spite of SIL's vigilant care ..
Was it the arrival back here in FL .. and somehow it was to be the glorious land of milk and honey and all would be right .. only it wasn't.
Was it . the arrival back here .. to the announcement of family malady on B's side of the family and the reality . there will be no departing MIL's care .. period.
Maybe all of the above. Don't really know .. but in mere weeks it's gone from strident refusal to entertain any other setting .. than her f/t care .. to .. full-on .. she's on it .. her mom will be placed . and she will leave FL . and go back to her life .. and she is very much on that page .. very very much. She's so done.
When estranged brother was raising the 2 boys .. a number of those years were in TX .. his wife .. a corporate banking atty.
Eventually she got a better corporate banking lawyer job . .and they moved to Atlanta. He was the SAHD .. and raised the boys.
They never came around a whole lot ..
MIL and her hubby ... went a few times to see them in TX and in GA .. but it was a strange situation. His wife . maybe not one of the social graces or whatever .. and the home being run by a "guy" .. it wasn't all that and a bag of chips as they say going there.
They didn't seem to have things there .. (they didn't opt to stay in a hotel . why I don't know . opting to stay at estranged brother's home . invited to do so). But they didn't have common things found in most households . like .. a washcloth w/which to take a shower and wash yourself. No I don't know .. how did they wash themselves .. if they don't own washclothes. I don't know. A loaf of bread . to make a sandwich .. a box of cereal to have breakfast ..
How did they eat ..??....
I don't know ..
But it wasn't ever a really warm/hospitable, welcoming setting. Invited to be there, yes . but it was really .. anytime they'd go there, a fend for yourself kinda thing . so MIL and her husband would always have to bring their own bar of soap . and washcloths and towels .. and stop by the store on the way in . for a box of cereal and some bread .. that kinda thing.
All of that to say .. there wasn't really a close bond there .. not one ever built really. They certainly didn't come this way a whole lot . and MIL and her husband going there . not something they did a lot of either, . finding it not all that warm and welcoming to be there.
Eventually estranged brother and his wife divorced, and that remains to this day .. to my knowledge . .
Those two sons ... I think in the 10 years that estranged brother has been exited the scene here .. the older of those two sons . has been here maybe 2 times . one of those a surprise visit when he and his s/o . in town for a wedding . none of us knew he was coming .. and another time . when he came here planned visit .. MIL asking of him .. (because he's pretty poor at doing so) .. "now stay in touch with us .. give us a call . .just because your dad doesn't speak to any of us, doesn't mean you have to be distant".
He never calls . hasn't come back ..
One can call him . SIL has done so a few times . and he's friendly/amiable . etc . just busy . living his life.
The other son . the younger one, lives in LA CA .. and .. he's never been here since he became an adult and on his own. Never calls ..
So yes there is offspring there . .of estranged brother . but not that are really a part of any scene here, never have been, for the most part.
But don't bother looking behind Door #2 .. at what SIL's life has entailed as MIL's c'giver. Nope .. don't look over there.
" I thought we could count on family", right? Not to manage the unicorns, no.
I think she already knows what her brother is like.
Sounds horrible. The woman's left side I think it is, paralyzed, and she can't talk.
She's left handed.
So can't communicate.
Whatever it is they can do ... there is some way to go at this.
Thats how it stands presently.
I was also wondering how the young man who was electrocuted is doing...I know you talked to your brother's wife recently. Did they get the liability insurance straightened out?
Thanks for the backstory on MIL's estranged son and his two children.
I was wondering something just this morning. MIL will be in AL (thinking optimistically here), so she will be getting her meds regularly and eating regularly. But will she be getting help with all the things that SIL helped her with?
Say there's a popcorn and movie night...who's going to slap MIL's hand away from the popcorn bowl? And how will the UTIs and other ailments really be prevented from flaring up? Chitapalooza? Will she still be trying to do things and reach things she shouldn't be? More falls?
If she is hospitalized, is her room at the AL held? Will Medicaid pay for it to be held? Is it allowed that Medicare pays for her hospitalization, while Medicaid is paying for a bed that is unoccupied? I know that if my mother (private pay) were to be hospitalized, that she would have to pay to hold her NH bed/room. And I expect that her LTC insurance would balk at paying her for those days that she wasn't actually IN the NH. And say she's in her spend-down Medicaid period and becomes hospitalized. Will the money she pays to hold her AL bed be allowable as part of the spend-down, when she wasn't even there?
I imagine that if MIL were to be hospitalized, that SIL would fly down to do hospital vigil.
Just throwing these thoughts out there. My mother is in a very good NH, but she's had numerous ("soft") falls (I will be speaking to the nursing unit manager soon about that) and now pneumonia (that seems to be clearing up). BUT she's able to stay at the NH, and would be able to even if she needed an IV. They can do x-rays at the NH (but not CT scans; I had to accompany her out for that).Would that be the case at MIL's AL? I saw a sign on the front door this weekend that there is now some sort of rotovirus going around. So there is always something. How is MIL's handwashing when SIL isn't around to prompt/nag her?
My antenna is sensitive because my MIL and my sister are notorious for volunteering me for something, telling me later, then browbeating me when I say "NO" - "but everyone else is..... they'll be so disappointed..... its only..... how can you be so uncaring........." My therapist helped me learn to say no and deal with the fallout of everyone thinking I'm a sh#$. [you can imagine the uproar throughout the entire family - old country included - when we told MIL we were no longer a stopping point for her friends driving across country. "we need towels, what time is dinner, what do you mean there is no coffee?" - it was only when we turned away the 2nd!!!!!! old couple that showed up suitcases in hand only to be told "sorry - we told her no - doesn't work for us" that she decided we were serious.
yes - we have serious boundary issues in my family. at Christmas my sister had a big blow up at the fancy restaurant when she informed me of a commitment she made for me and I kept saying "sorry, no...." after yelling at me.... storming out.........coming back and yelling more.......... she burst into tears and left. And MY MOM and SISTERS HUSBAND chew me out for being a sh#$ and all of the other diners watching. "you want me to do something check with me first, she didn't. "
it is so much easier dealing with my customers than family. And with emotion involved everyone gets really difficult - so have fun Dorker!!!!
When we were in that Progress Report (the meeting gone awry) last week.... the SW stated she'd do well at home with 24/7 care.
It was then noted there is no one to attend to that. The SW then stating .. AL would be a solution.
I then questioned out loud .. as I don't see that .. (but admittedly I am not a professional in this field) ... And the SW quickly stated that she wouldn't qualify for SNF .. she is not bad off enough . there would be a medical assessment as to need and no way would she qualify for that. That then prompted SIL to ask some questions about what one would see, in one who requires SNF . vs AL . and those questions answered ... and so no .. she's not as bad off .. she doesn't require someone to feed her, .. she isn't bed-bound .. she doesn't require around the clock .. skilled nursing to attend to some health condition.
So I guess .. maybe AL is .. the direction .. what do I know.
Her meds will be managed/dispensed yes .. crucial in all this. What if chitapalooza ensues .. I have asked .. and the answer given there is they are familiar with this .. and can deal with it .. and assist .. and .. should it become more problematic .. she'd be sent to the hospital.
Does the AL hold her bed . should she be hospitalized .. I don't know, that's a good question someone needs to get an answer to.
Would my daughters assume and volunteer me for some role .. without asking me. They know .. they know .. through and through and then some .. that I have stated my position .. and that's that. They know it. DD agrees with the stance taken .. YD not so much.
YD .. I think .. at her base .. is a caring soul .. and she would indeed step up .. (for a minute) and be the all-things-this-thing-needs .. just based in her caring/nurturing nature. For a minute.
She'd soon learn, it's far too big for her .. and then be looking for who to defer to .. and .. of course, . .her .. aware .. the stance I've taken (one she doesn't really agree with) .. she'd be looking in my direction . and be told a resounding no.
All she can see in her youth and naivete and lack of life experience is the sadness of a granny she loves dearly .. and a granny who spent a lot of time with her in her young years .. and enjoyed her, and likewise... .all she can envision is that she is gonna be housed/institutionalized .. and she doesn't deserve that. That's about her world-view of the thing. I can't change that .. if she disagrees . that'll have to be on her to sort it through.
BTW, . .she of balking much when it takes too much time to haul granny's dog to the groomer/vet, etc .. she of balking when asked to haul granny around for grocery shopping and/or doc visit ...
I guess . in her limited view/perspective/experience .. it's all too easy to look at the sad plight and point the finger at . "why does it have to be this way". And not the reality of . "because it is".
On the piece about SIL and sitting bedside .. in any hospitalization going forward. I'm not so sure that will be the case .. going forward. I haven't asked that specifically . but the stark 180 she's done on this whole thing is just that, it's astounding to put it mildly.
A conversation we had .. she and myself .. just yesterday .. her expressing that since she retired . in 2013 . .that their lives . she and her husband . and their dollars .. have gone to flying this way to take care of and see about MIL .. and that . they would like to .. there are places B would like to travel to . and enjoy .. before he gets too old and feeble to do so (he's 74). That they'd like to do some of that. I said to her, .. "Well it's my hope this can all get settled at some point, . and if you and B want to, you can finally fly out to where your g'kids are <the other side of the globe> and spend
and spend a few weeks there, spend time with your g'kids ..
Her response: "oh definitely we hope to do some of that".
Her talking of how their dollars .. they've all gone .. to MIL care here .. since she retired .. in the flights back and forth . .and they'd like to use some of their dollars, . while their abilities still allow .. to travel.
That prompted me to share with her something that was shared with me, that she hadn't thought about, but liked it and said she'd share that with her mom as her mom struggles to come to terms with all this.
Me: "Let me tell you something someone shared with me .. you have to remember .. when your mom was 68 years old .. that was 20 years ago . 21 .. what was she doing with her life at that point .. think about that in terms of how old were your kids at that time .. I think M would've been graduating high school at that point, and college bound . I know MIL traveled to be a part of that . .and enjoy that setting .. she was .. at the juncture you are at presently .. 68 ... she wasn't encumbered with the care of an elderly .. she was doing the things that were important to her . and things she valued with her time .. and so should you .. there will come a day when you too will be too old and feeble to do the things you'd like to do .. your mother needs to be aware . .that she too was able to do things she enjoyed at one point in her life .. and you are entitled to do that also .. ".
SIL hadn't ever thought of that specific aspect of it all, but said I'm right .. she questioned was her mother doing her 3 month stints with her father at that point in time, and I pointed out no . that her father had died .. about 10 or so years prior to that .. so no . she wasn't .. at the age of 68 years old .. living her life at the service to a feeble elderly .. and that she shouldn't either.
SIL .. at this point, .. I probably will never be able to peg precisely what was the straw that broke the camel's back on it all, but her stance at this point, so resolute .. so firm .. that her mother is going into a care setting . and that's gonna be the path .. resolute in that stance.
Her expressing . yesterday in our conversation . that she'd so hoped .. planned . that she'd get her mom in her care, in IL . and make sure her meds are on board, that she's eating nutritiously . .and get her stronger thru some PT .. and they'd ENJOY that time together there, . they'd get out some .. go do things .. and it wasn't to be . that she was sick when she got there w/her (chitapalooza that had been 3 weeks in the works . when she retrieved her) . and from there one thing after another ..
I responded to that: "What you are failing to string together here though is that had been the case SIL .. it's not like you took her up there and suddenly her condition nose-dived . she'd been that way ... "
Went on to list some of the maladies occurring routinely here . absent her presence and at a time she was on a page there was a TEAM MIL .. that never existed.
Her then saying this ... and I thought I'd go set off fireworks and throw a party when she said this piece:
"Yea for the most part, her health has been in a real decline .. for .. oh I don't know maybe 3 or 4 years . between falls .. and UTI's and chitapalooza .. and so forth .. she's really been in decline for 3 or 4 years here .. ".
I swear I thought there should be a hallelujah chorus que'd up at that point .. at her recognition and mention of that fact.
Some here have said that it's best for right now .. .to leave that topic off the table in dialogue with MIL at this point .. and i agree, and have suggested same . but doesn't seem to fall that way . and so . whatever.
A conversation that SIL related to me, had with her mother yesterday over the phone. Her mother calling her, to ask is she coming today to visit .. (no SIL had no intention of going that way . .she needs so badly to not be running the roads .. and to rest . and their hh .
Their hh there has absolutely nothing left to eat .. as SIL has been running the roads and no one has even taken the time to make a list of B .. or to go themselves to the grocery . there is nothing there to eat anymore. She needs to get to the grocery store .. but she's too tired. She truly is.
So her mother calling her yesterday to inquire whether she is coming that way to visit (incidentally ... DD and company .. complete with twins and husband . visited MIL yesterday AM . so it's not like no one had come to see her).
SIL saying that her mom wanted to know if she was coming that way to visit and she'd told her mom how tired she is .. and that no . she doesn't think so... not today. This then prompting the mother to come forth with some issue with her hand that has cropped up .. index finger and thumb swollen and red/inflamed . no she doesn't recall having injured her hand in any way .. doesn't know what's happened . .but that it was that way when she woke up .. and she doesn't know what's wrong . it's painful.
SIL asking of me, .. "do you think I should drag my tired azz there and help with that".
ME: "No .. you need to get used to right here and now, letting staff attend to issues that crop up .. did you ask her if she showed that to DD . did she call for help".
SIL: "Yea .. I asked if she mentioned it to DD when she was there and she said no . that she'd just wanted to visit with DD . .and not bring it up .. so no she didn't mention it to DD .. and I asked her if she's called one of the nurses about it . and she says that she has .. 2 x's .. and no one comes .. wonder what's up with that .. that they don't come . she says she's called them twice . but no one comes .. ".
She goes on from that to explain that she had called the nurse desk and explained the above .. to find a nurse who said, "Oh I have been in her room twice to check on her and she never mentioned it, I'll go over to her right now . and see what's going on".
The long and short of that, . the nurse put in a call to the doc . doc said ice pack . ace bandage . .and he'll be in .. and check it out in the AM.
But anyway ... in this conversation with SIL .. she also imparts that her mother said to the following to her, when inquiring if she was coming today and what has she been doing with her day.
MIL: Well what have you been doing today ..
SIL: Well the day started out with me a the tire store . had been over to have lunch with "T" (B's niece that lives here) .. we'd all gone the day before (incidentally . .they all went to visit MIL the day before after having lunch with B's niece, took Poochy for visit). We'd been over having lunch with "T" .. and her husband noticed the tire was low . and he pumped it with air, but told me to get it checked out .. we didn't have time that day as . .we were coming to see you .. but the day started out with me at the tire store to get that looked at, turned out to be a sheetrock screw, . and they plugged it . and so that was fixed, but then M and I headed out from there to go visit a site that we wanted to look at for you . so we did that .and then I put M on a plane for home and now I'm back home.
MIL: "M is gone home now?".
SIL: "yes, dropped her off at the airport".
MIL: GOOD!"
<<<SIL .. she thinks that M is driving the bus as to placement on all this .. I guess>>>
MIL: You guys need to just stop with all this looking for a place for me, I'm coming home with me and my little doggie . now that's what I'm going to do . so you guys need to stop with all that".
SIL: Mother we are looking .. doing our best to find an affordable, .. suitable . safe/clean setting for you . you can no longer live alone . it's not safe .. I'm sure you do want to come home . I probably would too if I were in your shoes .. but I can't continue to stay here and take care of you . and your health needs have become so great . it's not safe to leave you alone any longer".
It's not safe for you to live alone any longer ..
MIL: "Well I am working really hard here, so that I can get stronger and be able to be home and take care of myself".
SIL: "Well that's important . it's always going to be important that you continue to try to work to be strong . but that isn't going to be possible that you live alone any longer . you just cannot . you've gotten to the point that your health is so deteriorated . you can't live alone and take care of yourself .. and I can't stay here .. and so you are going to have to adjust ..., all of that is part of the aging process .. you're going to have to adjust .. as life comes .. ".
SIL then saying to me, . .she didn't argue with me . she didn't throw a fit ..
ME: "Today .. who knows .. we had some of this dialogue the other day when you and I and M were there .. and her an awareness .. a recognition that a place is being sought ... only for her to turn the next day and tell DH . she's going home .. not going to any setting . she's going home .. and him then countering also .. so today .. yea . she didn't argue
SIL: I know . it just seems like she is struggling to come to terms with it .. ".
Me: "as I've said before . you might want to involve the SW there .. in maybe providing her someone to help work through some of this . maybe a disinterested 3rd party .. it can't hurt that's for sure
SIL: "yes, I'm gonna put that on a post it here, and call and ask about that".
There is no yielding on her part .. she is resolute in her stance.
It was interesting also that she also imparted to her mom in that same conversation . "affordable" . as one of the criteria . saying to her mom . . "you don't have a house to sell mother . you don't have any assets so to speak .. and so .. there are Medicaid facilities for folks in your predicament and that's the road we're on .. trying to find that .. that which is suitable .. and safe .. and clean .. but it's not gonna be the posh setting you'd maybe like, you can't afford that and none of us can either".
Out of SIL's mouth . at that point in conversation to me, .. "I don't know Dorker, she's effing delusional or something .. (but she used the F word) .. she's effing delusional . I don't know .. that she thinks she can stay here in her home .. that's not reality .. I mean .. that's what she wants .. she wants to be here in her own home and me waiting on her . but not really .. she does have an awareness that it then impedes my ability to live my own life and she feels she's a burden in that, so she does have that awareness . that recognition .. she does recognize that .. and doesn't want that for me .. she loves me enough that she wants me to have a life outside of all this b'chit .. she does speak that .. .so she does recognize it .. but her answer I guess is that she be left here . to manage .. and that's just not possible any more, it's not safe .. and so .. she's just going to have to adjust.
Que the hallelujah chorus ..
Dorker I'm very glad that the scales are now falling so rapidly from SIL's eyes that I can almost hear the tinkling from here.
Just, don't get ahead of yourself.
I don't mean despair, only don't get ahead. There is still the question of who signs off on the discharge, and that is still MIL. I'm sure patience will win through in the end, but don't be in a hurry.
The whole " my finger hurts and no one here is paying attention" is something we ran into with my mom when she was placed in a SNF. She call us weeping that she was in dreadful pain. I'd call the nursing station. They'd say they'd just been in and she said she was fine.
I finally arranged to call my mom's phone while the nurse was in the room. Again , mom had told the nurse she was fine, but when she heard me on the phone she'd tell me what terrible pain she was in.
The nursing staff learned that they really had to coax my mom into admitting she was in pain. I assured them that I would rather they give her too much than too little. And we changed pain meds to scheduled in addition to PRN.
My father had several chronic problems - very bad arthritis, prostate cancer - but was doing pretty well at 89 (me caretaking at home) in the summer of 2015. He was getting up in the morning by himself, putting on his shorts and Tshirt, getting around on his walker...
But as time went on that year, he ended up in the hospital several times with Bronchitis, UTI's and aspiration pneumonia.
His swallow had become too slow and he had a "dead" spot so couldn't feel food and liquid getting into the wrong place and going into his lungs. He was on a special diet and all liquids had to be thickened.
Even though I was very careful, every once in while something would get into his lungs and he would get aspiration pneumonia. This kept happening that winter and he got weaker and weaker with every hospitalization. (I think the swallow was getting worse, actually.)
By about Christmas we were talking to Palliative Care people. But right away there were more hospitalizations and by late Jan it was Hospice. He died of aspiration pneumonia Feb 5, 2016, just months after a very good summer.
Whenever he was hospitalized I always tried to be there at mealtime because there were often mistakes made with his food and liquids - he would get a "normal" meal by accident which would inevitably end in pneumonia. This also happened in rehab at a nursing home where he was recovering from something else in 2014. They just occasionally make mistakes.
And even though he knew he was supposed to have a special diet and he was quite sharp up to the end (could discuss current events and even balanced his checkbook a few days before he died!) he didn't have the presence of mind to assess the meal before eating. If he was hungry, he would just start in. It was like hunger took precedence over mental processing.
Just one little story of what can happen and even when skilled care is going on. Everybody's different as far as how involved they get with the institutions, but it can be time consuming.
Is this because ... do they do things just by rote memory. Her memory serves her that her daughter attends to her ailments .. thus .. .there is no one to do so, but her daughter.
Also .. just on that same train of thought, rote memory ...
Church lady had gone to visit MIL. Church lady reported to DH that she talked .. a lot about MIA son . and tears and so forth.
That seems to be their talking point.
I guess when Church Lady entered stage left, back several months ago . that was at least a talking point .. and so .. going forward .. it seems MIL (more so than she does with any of the rest of us) .. that is their .. conversation .. MIA brother, and tears.
Rote memory ...
Maybe she isn't able to (that would be about my best guesstimate) .. it takes more processing/sequencing ability than she has to have any awareness of .. "gee, . my hand/finger hurts .. I am in a medical facility . there are staff here to look at such things .. I have a nurse coming in and checking on me, now would be a good time to bring that up .. DD is here . maybe she needs to be made aware of this .. .
More than she can sequence.
More than she can sequence to have any realization that Church Lady can talk about more than just MIA brother ..
Dorker, is the eldercare attorney meeting set up yet?
Interesting conversation with Betty Medicaid this morning .. conference call .. initiated by SIL . wanted me in on the conversation (she says because her brain is foggy and sometimes I grab something said . that she didn't .. or think to ask a question she didn't think of).
This is all a LOT TO KNOW. And we are flunking with a big fat "F" on our report cards as to navigating it all.
We .. SIL and myself . .had somehow gotten our wires crossed that she will go from her present setting .. Rehab .. to what will be a "short stay" in a LTC (requirement of all this whole linear process) and from there, . placement in AL.
SIL and myself, both flunkers in this process .. under the impression that short stay at LTC . will be private pay pending Medicaid approval. Nope.
These places are quite adept at taking in patients . as Medicaid Pending . no dollars expended.
Got that hammered out and understood .. good, check.
SIL talking some on .. she intends to try to engage some kind of SW to help MIL come to terms .. or open the door to that, .. with placement. Betty then explaining . .reminding us (I'm on that page already, been there .. SIL needs to grab that ring herself, and Betty's reminder) "No now remember, I told you . lie . therapuetic lies as we go forward here . you tell her whatever you need to .. tell her your back is acting up .. tell her your husband doesn't feel well .. whatever .. tell her whatever lies you need to .. but beyond that .. just know . she is gonna pour it on thick with the guilt and the tears .. and it's gonna take a while .. it's not gonna happen o'nite .. she will be telling you all kinds of sad tales to pull at you . but you know . you said yourself . there is no one to take care of her 24/7 .. so .. you're gonna just have to be strong and realize that's what she's gonna do .. but it doesn't work ... so you're gonna have to just reassure her . .and lie if you need to .. but you can't .. I can't stress it enough .. at least you guys are all on the same page here . .. that's critical . you have no idea of the families I work with where there is backstabbing going on . and undermining the whole thing . at least you guys are all on the same page . but you're all going to have to get ready that the water works are gonna get turned on and the sad tales .. and the guilting .. it's gonna get messy . that's just how it goes with these things . but if you get tough . you'll get through it .. ".
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY. I'm there, but I don't have the emotional baggage in it all, that they do.
Remember, .. M is no longer a favorite person to MIL ..
M even cognizant of that fact, explaining to her mom that granny is isolating (and she is) as to those who are on board with her game plan. If you aren't on board with her plan as she sees things . she isolates you.
M falls into that category having been one who hit with . while in IL . while MIL hospitalized .. REALITY 101 .. that she and her care are too much for her mom and dad . and she needs to be in a facility with skilled care ..
MIL didn't take this laying down .. MIL took this that M doesn't care about her .. and since that time, has had little use for M.
So yes ... MIL very much on the page that M is in town and M and SIL .. SIL just playing games to keep M happy .. but M will be gone and then SIL will come to her senses and stop with this non sense. And surely SIL will then play along with things as I see them, .. that I'm working to get strong enough to come home and manage on my own.
When SIL presents that isn't gonna be the case . .and she can't shove it off the table for a reality .. it's gonna get very very ugly.
VERY.
Tears/tantrums .. guilting .. you name it .. every single thing you can think of ...
She presents (bear in mind .. to those working with her, .. her angle there is that she wants to go home .. that's her goal). So she presents to those who work with her, . as working hard .. aware .. able, etc.
In other words, ... we were just talking about .. how incapacitated is she .. with Betty Medicaid .. "does she drive?", we were asked .. and the answer is no. But I chimed in .. "If you ask her, the answer she will give is *I haven't in a long while, but I'm working to get stronger so I can do those kinds of things again".
She doesn't have any real awareness .. that ship has sailed.
If she can just present as someone who isn't as compromised as she really is . .and she tries to do just that ... then she will get to go home.
Are they seeing it that if she's sick .. and she gets sick a lot .. she will need to be on jello/rice . .that kinda thing . .and she won't have the capability herself to not grab that handful of popcorn down the hall . .she'd do it .. in spite of the fact they just came and cleaned up a chitapalooza from h377.
Are they seeing that when she's ill . .and she gets ill a lot . that she can't bathe . and .. in fact, . doesn't .. and doesn't even bathe routinely when at home . .because it's too hard. Are they seeing that?
Are they aware .. other than what they're told .. she doesn't manage her own meds
Are they encouraging her daily to put on clothing . (no) .. so they can see whether or not she's capable of same.
I don't think AL is suitable .. but .. I tried to point that out in that meeting gone awry and was told .. "as I said, she'd do well in her home with 24/7 support".
I then said . as did SIL .. "there is no one to do that". That was met with, .. "Then an AL would be where she needs to go", .. I then pointed out her deficits .. and was assured they will assist with those.
So .........................
And anyway . that hand issue ....
The doc has come in .. and dx is gout. What the hades?
How does one get gout? I thought it was eating too rich of foods .. and fatty diet.
MIL should not and does not deserve to be coddled and lied to, but I know she's not going to go gentle into that goodnight. When she finds out--someone tells her, or she suddenly realizes that she's not going "home" she is going to be a holy terror. Plan on it.
All that will do is cement in everyone's minds that this is what has to happen.
I betcha DH gets over his "so sad for mom" attitude pretty darn fast. So will SIL. It will be awful, until it isn't.
NH's rooms can be made to be quite cozy and while not "lovely and posh"--they can be decorated a little and made to be homelike. Also, perhaps MIL will find people of her same character ( almost a guarantee!) with whom she can moan and groan. My mother has one friend who absolutely hates me--I couldn't figure out WHY since I have met her only 2 times....well, mother lays it on pretty thick when she's with this lady. I just give an eyeroll and walk away. I honestly don't care what this woman thinks of me and my sibs. Mother needs to bellyache to others--and she bellyaches to ME about this friend, who is SO LUCKY b/c she can still drive (oh, shudder----she cannot see anything but is still on the roads....)
Well--I am glad that you are making progress with this and that you step in and out as needed. I think you're holding your boundaries really well!
(At our house, we now call diarrhea "chitapalooza"...DH doesn't know why, but it makes us laugh).