I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I wonder if something is going on with her kidneys.
It sounds like SIL has truly seen the light. As long as she stays on that track, DH will probably go along with it. After all, he's usually just followed her lead. And HE's not gonna volunteer to be the F/T live-in caregiver for his mom.
MIL will get "stronger" (as strong as a person of her age and with her ailments can get anyway) if she complies with the doctors and staff, does her PT and OT, and learns to adapt (and dare I say maybe even thrive eventually [one can hope]) in her new environment.
I recall that we were doubtful that mom was going to "make it" in AL, but everyone assured us that it was the right level of care, even though her vascular dementia, which had just been diagnosed was advancing (I'm sorry I talk so much about my personal experience with this stuff, but it's really all I have to go on).
So, I think she spent one night in AL, then got transferred to Memory Care, then MC with a 24/7 aide. Then she fell and wasn't discovered to have broken her hip for another week or so (it was X-rayed at the hospital, and in looking at that film later, it was clearly NOT broken after the fall, but very weak from osteoporosis; so likely a spontaneous fracture AFTER the fall)
She rehabbed at a SNF where she then stayed as a permanent resident.
So, Dorker, this situation is fluid.
She is struggling presently with PT .. and toileting because of the hand being gimped at this point.
Interestingly enough .. SIL . while on the phone with MD .. told the MD that we're heading towards placement .. in AL . and asked him to speak with her about it . and suggest to her that he thinks it's best considering her needs .. he said he would .. said she also asked him about talking with her, and setting up a small dose of zoloft to begin ..
HOORAY ......
Same chit I tried to get her to do previously .. but she now is doing it.
Seems she's also having some issues with wetting the bed at night .. doesn't even realize it . I guess til told by staff. I dunno what that's about .. the UTI is gone supposedly.
That M seems to have gotten her mom around a corner. That, and you, Dorker, stepping back and refusing to drink the KoolAid of "she'll manage".
MIL's one remaining sister lives in VA, and recently had a heart attack (her first) . .she's 94 yo. At present .. they live at home . she and her husband, same age. Hospice come and goes for her husband who has gone from zero to full-blown dementia . is diapered and fed, etc.
Their mom .. she died .. I guess it's about 1981 or thereabout.
They'd always gone, thru the years .. to their mom's home .. the siblings and their offspring . for every holiday.
We hadn't been married a long time, DH and myself . .
We'd been there at a xmas .. and it was noticeable that the mother to MIL was more tired than would've been the case typically.
It wasn't long after that she was dx'd with esophageal cancer and hospitalized and she was gone within weeks. Never smoked or drank a drop of anything her entire life. Go figure.
The dad to MIL. He lived on in what was their marital home for a few more years. He who also suffered heart disease, . .a few heart attacks .. some pretty bad arthritic knees. But never got as far as a walker or cane.
Eventually it was determined .. I'd guess maybe about 1984 or so . that he could no longer live alone and so he was shuffled in 3 month stints between MIL and a sister that at that time lived in central FL (now deceased). Shuffled between the two. The VA sister . it was thought too far to be carting him back and forth . and she's not all that nurturing anyway .. and the 3rd of these 4 sisters . not a good candidate to even take care of the mail, much less another human.
This was not a popular approach . as the dad .. had been an abusive drunk in their growing up years . .
Were the man alive today I'm certain child protective services would be taking his kids . .but that was a different era. But nonetheless . the dad wasn't looked upon fondly. But shared in 3 month stints they did.
This lasted . . at least from my memory .. all of about a year or thereabout . when he suffered another heart attack here in residence with MIL and that one took him out .. for good. He died.
I have kinda looked back upon that time and I don't recall that MIL was ever-vigilant and hyper over-drive as to her dad's care, as you've seen in SIL.
But .. that was a different time . even in 1983/84 so on .. maybe in that day there weren't as many tests/procedures .. drugs .. flying monkeys and unicorn dust to further things along. Or maybe she just wasn't as vigilant as her daughter is. I don't really know.
There wasn't much of a chance to be hyper vigilant as to the mom .. she was gone within weeks of an esophageal cancer dx.
YA THINK?!?!?!?!??!!?
Was at least .. about 2 years ago that I landed here .. the impending birth of the twins . my running from pillar to post to help DD and knowledge I'd soon be tied to helping with newborns . and I landed here . .on AC.
And .. prior to that had been pulling my hair out trying to get everyone to sit up and take notice .. she isn't managing .. her care needs are far too great ... she needs more care .. I need help, I can't keep doing this.
When she said those words .. it was awfully hard not to say .. "DAMN YOU ................ I TRIED TO TELL YOU THIS ........... years ago .. and you wouldn't listen . and cost me all kinds of grief and heartache".
But she knows it .. I've talked to her . when she came begging via messenger DD . to please .. would I please help with sorting thru all this as we go forward . .to placement.
I did get her ear at that point . just a few days back and she listened .. with a very open ear to what was said .. and apologized .. said she just guesses she wasn't ready to see it/hear it .. deal with it . but that these last several months that have just about sent her over the cliff as to her own well being . she's now on that page .. firmly entrenched there.
So I didn't throw out there a big fat "TRIED TO TELL YA".
Dorker, you and your family might benefit from reading this.
There is one thing I wanted to comment on sooner rather than later as I think time and timing of the issue matters.
“ It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids!”
~ Doc to Marty, film - Back To The Future
Its your kids, Dorker. Somethings gotta be done about your kids!
As I read your retelling of the dog saga - daughters trying to get you to take the dog AND sil telling you that it wasn’t her - that it was all your daughters - I literally, physically cringed.
Clearly, Dorker - you love your daughters. Clearly. But you’ve gotta quit making excuses for them.
Your daughters are under-minding you, under-minding sil and under-minding the process. If you dont put a stop to it - they are going to be contributors in making things harder than it needs to be.
So, yd and dd are reminiscing better times. Sitting round the old kitchen table at granny’s house - sharing memories of good times with granny. Granny of the past. All the love... Get the hell over it!
Sorry. But tough times call for tough measures. The days of sitting on a blanket on the floor - with granny pouring pretend tea are over. Long gone. Treasure the memories- yes. But grow the hell up and face facts.
Its sad. It’s hard. And - it’s sad. Yep. Got it.
But... I’m afraid that this situation is one of “If your not with us - your against us”.
Mil, consciously or from pure muscle memory will be searching for cracks. Upon finding a crack or even a weak spot will insert her wedge and hammer away at it until a divide is split wide open. Divide and conquer.
Whether the actions of yd and dd are a byproduct of love or merely the typical twenty-something’s attitude of knowing better and being bulletproof - it matters not. These intentions are completely counterproductive to the goal at hand.
I strongly suggest a “coming to haysusse” talk with your two daughters. Before more damage is done.
On the plus side- sil calling and telling you it wasn’t her idea - you taking Poochy- is an excellent sign. In dog language this is the equivalent of having rolled on her back and exposing her tummy to you. Yep. I do believe sil is seriously on board - and she wants to make sure you know it.
I guess MIL has no experience to draw on with the possible exhaustion of aging parents. I hope she adapts to the move eventually and cannot say she must go home regardless of lack of necessary help there.
I know, I know - she hasn’t had any yet. Just being hopeful. 😃
SO glad SIL Is finally seeing the light. I hope you get a room sooner rather than later and can get the legal junk settled out and the house dealt with. I have zero knowledge of RM's, but I do know that she can't go back to live there.
Once you get MIL in a facility---then you can truly move forward.
And, don't be to hard on your girls. Just shows they do have loving memories of Granny---which nothing can take from them.
DH, SIL, Dorker and the daughters will have to let her go and call APS. If that seems to be the way things are going, I'd call in the church ladies and pastor to pray with her.
Or sue for guardianship.
That's really the doom and gloom scenario. I'm sure that Betty Medicaid and SW have a few tricks up their sleeves.
Im somewhat glad SIL as well as DH have spoon fed tiny tidbits and even countered (not angrily) her assertion that she's going home.
There's been at least little tidbits tippy toed around in discussion.
It doesn't seem to stick, as the next time you talk to her, she's back on that path "I'm going home, me and my little dog". Gets rerouted again.
Maybe, one can hope anyway, the constant redirection...and now a bit of counsel also from the MD ...she will grasp it eventually and it won't be the ugly horrible scene it has the potential to be.
If history is an indicator .. we've got a fight coming.
When she was told walker needs to be used 100% of the time. She was vile about it, argumentative.
Lets hope this (admittedly a lot bigger) goes better than the walker war.
She was hospitalized and finished with the steroid course while there, and released to the Rehab/NH, and I was so glad she was done with the steroids. Her thinking cleared up almost totally. BUT her release instructions included the steroid course with her med list, and I figured out in a few days that the Rehab had restarted the steroid course again by mistake! I figured it out when she started calling me in the middle of the night with insane delusions. The rehab people showed me the steroid course in the discharge instructions, and I had to make them call the hospital to clarify that the steroid course had been completed! They added a little xanax at nights to calm her I guess, but seemed to make things worse. (When these things were stopped, I did get my mom back for a while.)
Sheesh - nothing is the same with the very elderly. Not gout, not a standard steroid dose, not a UTI. And as I have learned with my DH, anesthesia also is not standard for the elderly either. Just be careful and watchful with the steroid course - brought back too many bad memories for me, and in the future, I think I will go with tons of tart cherry juice and water if I ever encounter gout again for myself or DH. (Sorry, but I am just extremely wary of meds and side effects, as I've had too many bad experiences with them. Even Zoloft would scare me, if my kids tried to put me on it without my consent!)
Is there a plan if MIL refuses to enter AL? At one point my mother questioned if she would always stay in AL. She thought she might live with my cousin who had offered to take her in. Given the personality dynamics there it would not have been a good idea at all. My husband and I basically told her that if that were to occur we were washing our hands of any future involvement with her. We have given great thought to the facilities we chose. There have been two as we have moved. We pay all her expenses with her money and provide all her personal needs. We also take her to doctors and dentists that are not in the category of what is provided by the AL facility.
She has 3 great grandchildren now from 2 of my children and loves to remain in contact with them. I think she considered that possible loss of that was not worth leaving AL. I think now the fact that her needs are met and the contact with others is beneficial for her.
I hope MIL will make the adjustment without too much discourse. Everyone being on board should hopefully help.
She is having trouble with ambulating, weight bearing with that hand and the walker. Did OT ... got there for OT ..don't know if they carted her there in a wheelchair maybe.
Declined PT. Hand painful and trouble gripping the walker.
Now struggling with PT and toileting.
And yes, she has been wetting the bed at night even before steroid rx.
The Walker War. I thought MIL was not going give those people any trouble? I think we all knew better.
I hope SIL is getting plenty of rest and gets back to 100% for the real war that is coming.
How is DH doing? Has he recovered from his Saturday Emotional Moment and regained any resolve?
How many days can MIL not participate in PT before Medicare cuts her off? Or is this Gout Attack an exception? Probably a good question for Medicaid Betty.
All wish that cloud would've come for her in her sleep and her depart this life from her home.
Dont we all wish for a peaceful departure from a place of familiarity and comfort.
I think about when I tried to talk to her about Hospice. But I was (And still would be) talking to someone who really isn't all that capable of sequence of thought and planning.
Ttied to talk to SIL at that time on the topic and her answer "nothing she has is imminently terminal".
I dropped it. Wish it could've gone that route, for her sake.
As SIL has pointed out since then "even if she was home under Hospice care, they're only going to come a couple of times a day, they don't stay there on site. She needs 24/7 care.... ".
True.
The sooner DH stops doing his little cloud dance and concentrates instead on maximising quality of life in the circumstances as they are now, the sooner everyone will begin to adjust to this new phase.
There IS a bright side even if it isn't very visible yet. For a start: once the family doesn't have to deal with basic living needs, any time that anyone wants to spare can be spent voluntarily on taking her flowers, reading to her, just sitting and having a good catty gossip if that's what she wants - whatever. The point is, all of the time given will be a bonus for her instead of being wasted on backbreaking stress for all of you.
By the way, though I hope this has been solved already - I'd take the dog, and stop pampering it. Its health would improve dramatically, poor little beastie.
Is MIL savvy enough to realize what could happen if she signed over POA (and took away her own ability to make decisions)? There would go her chance to go home with Poochie.
IF SIL and H sought guardianship over MIL, would the money spent on doing that (heard it's not cheap) be an allowable spend spend on MIL's money to qualify for Medicaid?
So she's refused PT once. Like someone already asked, how many times is that going to happen until she is discharged from rehab?
Does MIL know that if she refuses therapy, that it could mean an earlier discharge from rehab? Does she think that will make for a quicker way for her to just get back home?
If MIL is released from rehab on March 13, then that elder attorney meeting scheduled for, what, the 15th?, may be too late.
Regarding Poochie, SIL is going to take him. DD's offer to take him wasn't well thought-out. Dorker doesn't want the work and expense of Poochie (I agree with her).
I get visions of Henry VIII throwing chicken bones over his shoulder at a banquet with his propped-up gouty foot on display. Ick.
I had a dear friend who has the most amazingly terrible health. She has had everything under the sun. Her DH died of a sudden heart attack last year, after tenderly caring for her for the last 10 years. I remember I had to take her to the ER years ago and she had the gout...it was unfathomable to me that someone in this day and age could develop that. She was in excruciating pain---she had it in her big toe and I know she couldn't walk for weeks.
Glad you are able to say the words "attorney is coming on board". If MIL is "with it" enough to make decisions, she's gonna be mad.
In our state, the children can, if 100% in agreement, take over a parent's care-even if they have not been "declared" incompetent. I had a minute's pause about that and asked our attorney how many times he'd seen that enacted and he said over his career--maybe twice. It's much harder to enforce than one would think.
Sounds like even WITH 24/7 care, MIL is decompensating. Does SIL see how nice it is to have issues like the gout thing be dxed and treated and she didn't have to run the roads with MIL on board, moaning and groaning? I'd slip that into conversation, if I were you, she may start waffling about "getting a team" so MIL can have her heart's desire: to go home.
They'll clear up the gout and in a week or so, it'll be something else. That's the way it goes. She's failing and nothing can stop that...it IS sad, nobody would argue that.
I hope that SIL and you are getting good rest between bouts of trying to get all this organized. Y'all still have a house to clean out, I bet when she is admitted to a NH, there will be a time factor when the RM is called in and she will lose the house.
I cannot believe there are 6400+ posts on this.
But your story has rung true for a lot of us, in varying aspects.
Good Luck--as always. I hope DH will stand up and be super supportive of SIL. He seems to be the loose bolt in this thing. I get it--my DH will not make decisions about anything that requires him to have emotions, so he doesn't. So nothing gets done....frustrating to say the least.
While SIL and her husband are in Florida it's a good time for SIL and DH to do a careful walk-through of MIL's house and identify things that will not be sold or given away when the time comes. My brother and I did this several months ago. First we identified the things that we felt should stay with the family after our mother's death, without reference to who should have them. Then for each of those things, we discussed who we thought our mother would have wanted to have it, who would appreciate it and care for it most, and only in last instance, what its monetary value was, if any. Obviously you can do this only in a family where everyone is pretty much on the same page.
We found that this was really something that had to be done in person. When you tried to do it from memory, you tended to overlook the small things with possibly the most sentimental value. In our case it was a wonderful experience to share. I was moved by my brother's sweetness and tenderness in touching and discussing some of the items.
That POA .... will it get signed, won't it . and the question that at this point, for the sake of the POA .. is being buried under all the rubble ongoing . is she competent. I tell ya what!
I don't know if she will in the end, or not, sign the thing. Especially after today. Folks, I don't see her high functioning enough to .. really question it .. but I could be wrong... but after today's testy episode .. if she has any mental acuity left in her, she might be sharp enough to refuse to do so .. and then they are SCREWED.
So .. we'd gone . SIL and myself .. today .. to a site suggested by me, . as some church ladies mentioned having some familiarity with it . .so I'd passed that word along to SIL and to DH . and SIL wanted the two of us to go today to view it.
Well it's really a pretty darn good place .. really is. Bright, cheery .. and open .. and .. the rooms spacious enough (all private rooms) ... affordable, etc. Looks like a great place.
BUT .......................
Is MIL high enough functioning to land there. I don't know .. I truly don't know.
For instance, one big impediment I see ...
One is required to dress for the day there. One doesn't hang out in their room there, in PJ's all day (as she is accustomed to doing in her home, in SIL's home). One has to dress, . yes .. daily ... and report to the dining room for meals (not all meals, all the time, but certainly at least one per day) .. and .. meals aren't brought to your rooms .. not gonna happen there . for obvious reasons. This is an AL .. not a SNF. Assumption there, . folks here, .. are functional enough to do so. .
That's impediment #1 that I question her ability to adhere to.
I asked the director .. "so what happens if the person is not doing so .. ".
Answer: "They get talked to .. a few times .. but eventually it will result in a warning and .. ultimately a 45 day notice that the setting there isn't suitable and they will be evicted".
I get it ...
Looking at the folks there . the residents .. most on walkers yes . but all dressed .. and ambling about to wherever they're going. It didn't appear to me there were any folks behind those closed AL room doors .. lingering in their PJ's and .. not coming out and about. I get it.
I asked about what happens when the resident needs special dietary consideration .. prone for upsets due to Diverticulitis resulting in chitapalooza (no I didn't use that term) .. and .. so now the person needs dietary considerations . such as jello, rice, . .that kinda thing.
Answer: "We really don't do special dietary accomodations .. if they're sick . we might for a day or two bring soup .. and crackers to their room, but beyond that .. if they aren't rebounding .. they'd be sent to a hospital .. ".
My further question on that issue: "Well in her case .. I mean .. it's really .. it's not that it happens every week . .. but it does happen .. upset from Diverticulitis . and .. I mean . you could've just been in her room cleaning up Chitapalooza from H377 .. but if she thinks the expectation is that she be in the dining room, dressed .. first off that's gonna cause all kinds of undue stress, . her unable to do it .. just too sick/weak . but even if she can somehow muddle through to get dressed . .thinking that's what's expected of her .. her arrive at a dining room serving meatloaf and mashed potatoes and carrots . .she'll eat it .. as best she can with an upset stomach ongoing . because she thinks that's what is expected of her, not using the judgement skills that she can't eat that kinda thing right now"
Answer on that one: "Well we don't' really do special accomodations as to diet .. as I said .. maybe for a day or two, some soup and crackers brought to her room, or . .she's allowed to have a mini fridge in her unit .. if you guys want to supply her with jello . that's up to you . but . no one is going to police what she eats .. so she has to be
She has to be able to possess the judgement skills as to her own well being .. and what to eat and what not to eat.
<<me, this is concerning .. the scenario I paint is a real one. SIL .. delusional . maybe .. deluding herself . that her mom . wouldn't do that>>
On to the next point .. me presenting: "okay . well let's just say she's having one of those bouts .. and . I see here there is laundry service once a week .. where bed linens are changed .. what if she has a blow out .. like I describe with soiled linens and so forth . will that be taken care of . is there an add'l charge".
Answer: "yes .. as long as it's not frequent . .but we're also huge on prevention . .we'd be encouraging her to use Depends . in that kinda event .. so as to lessen any mess . .and the expectation is that she'd have the awareness to do so".
<<again .. this causes me concern .. the scenario I paint there, very real .. SIL's take .. .Oh she'd use Depends .. she did that at my house .. my take ... not when she lived alone here before she was taken to your house . she'd always think those little mini-pads are gonna suffice and use those . .and would have to be repeatedly reminded . that's not gonna work, you need to use Depends . and still would fail to do so>>
All in all, . the site visited .. we both agree . would be perfect for her, in the fact the other residents there, not slumpers .. there aren't folks there that have to be fed .. not a lot in wheelchairs .. and .. more higher functioning.
BUT IS SHE . high enough functioning . to be there, that's the question ..
I don't know that I think so.
SIL .. her take .. "oh well maybe if she knows . that if you can't do these things . then your next stop is a nursing home . she'd rise to the occasion".
Me, I dunno .. I'm sure she'd try .. yes . she would . I think so .. and maybe she would rise to the occasion .. maybe . .but if she can't, . it's a set up for failure and another transition . .so I don't know that I'm sold.
Talked about her bed wetting that seems to be a sporadic issue these days . and that weekly bed linen change . .answer given . as was stated before .. we're big on being proactive .. we'd be cautioning to use those Depends .. and so . if she can do that . and prevent a lot of our having to step in to clean bed linens . it'd be best .. but that's up to her.
The other place SIL has visited for AL .. I have not been, nor has DH . but it's on our radar to do so.
It's family owned, private .. and .. I don't know . haven't been there, so don't have it pegged really. It's very very close by here, like 5 mins .. so that's good.
And .. their story (and their sticking to it, as they say) . is that once a resident comes there . if the need increases . rather than trying to move them . they try to strive to meet that need . ."We are all family here".
I question how that works (but I haven't seen the place) .. I mean if you've got some residents there that you are all about "we're all family here, .. we try to not have to move them .. and just meet their needs . as their need increases" .. sounds good .. maybe . but what of the other guy that isn't as needy .. and now can't get the help he does need . because resident #1, #2, #3 . and #5, and #7 and #9 . .their long time residents and their need increased and so we have to tend to them more now days ..
Doesn't sound practical to me . but . it sure sounds awfully warm and fuzzy and cozy that this place is a "we're all family .. we try not to have to move them . and just meet their need as it increases and keep them here".
Sounds dubious to me anyway.
The end result as reported by SIL . who has seen the place . there are some there that are slumpers .. and having to be spoon fed (obviously some that .. their need increased .. and we're all family here . .and so we try not to move them) . but that then puts MIL in proximity to slumpers and folks having to be fed . .she isn't that low on the functionality
She isn't that low in functionality . .and being in the presence of same .. if it can be prevented . obviously would be best .. but .. whether that's possible . limited resources from which to choose a site .. all of this weighs ..
But so anyway ..
Then .. we decide to go see/visit MIL.
There .. it got testy ...
MIL wanting to know .. what are we finding. SIL explaining that we'd been to a great site today . one that looks like it might be possible . named it and then described some of what it's about .
This then prompted MIL with a ..
"Well ya know .. you guys are all so busy out there trying to find a place for me . and I'm here to tell ya . when that day comes . that I need a place like that .. I will say so . but until then, I am going home to my house .. and I will be fine"
SIL: No ... mother .. you really can't be left alone anymore, .. to live alone . you know . even the SW said that you need 24/7 support and .. so ..".
MIL: "I don't care what the SW said .. I want to be in my home and that's where I'm going to go .. .and when the time has come, I will be the one that says it's time to go . but I'm not going before then . you guys talk like I'm never gonna go to my home again . and that's not gonna happen that way".
SIL: "Well .. really there's a lot to it . and none of this is gonna happen today .. it takes time . .so we'll talk about it all ..".
MIL: "Well . I am not going anywhere from here, but home to my house .. and I will be fine there .. now I will get my MOW .. and I will be just fine there".
SIL: "you mean the MOW that we had coming before that went uneaten . for days, . no mom . .we've tried everything . we've had you live alone . you can't manage . you fall . you get sick . you don't take your meds .. it's not safe . you don't eat right .. it's not safe anymore".
MIL: I don't care about safety . this is my life and I'm going to dictate how my life goes .. and I"m not leaving here and never going to my house again . that's not going to be how this goes".
MIL: "So Im the one that has to give up everything here .. I lose my dog, my house, my independence .. everything".
Me: "Well .. the SW said that you can't manage . you need support, 24/7 .. and there simply isn't anyone to provide that kind of support .. SIL is dead on her heels .. doing it . and you don't want to be in her home in IL .. and .. we've tried it all .. and it's just not safe".
SIL: "So you want me to then give up my life . you say .. you have to give up everything . you want me to give up everything and be your caretaker . you don't want that do you
MIL: "No .. of course I don't .. I want you and B to get on a plane and go back home and don't worry with me .. I will be just fine .. ".
SIL: "No mother . you fall, you don't eat right . you don't take your meds, you get sick .. you don't manage and it's not safe "
SIL: "I dont' care about whether it's safe . this is my life".
At that I look at my watch (and it was true) .. "We really have to get going .. I'd like to beat the traffic this afternoon . so we gotta go".
So at that the subject changed .. and MIL saying again a few times what her intentions are . to go home . and it getting ignored, .. and redirected to other topics.
But this afternoon . beyond above .. a good example. MIL now having some nocturnal bed wetting episodes .. SIL having encouraged her yesterday to wear Depends at night .. and regular underwear during the day .. that wearing Depends all the time . breeds bacteria . .set up for UTI.
So . SIL helping her mom to toilet .. gimpy hand at this point . and she has on Depends .. "Mother you were supposed to have put on regular underpants .. why are you still in Depends . it's been all day . why are you wearing Depends all day".
No clear answer from her.
So .. .I just don't know .. I really don't .. whether that other setting we think so perfect . maybe just isn't .. maybe she just isn't functional enough.