I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
She'd been loosing weight because she'd had zero appetite. I think that was the antibiotic. That too has improved (rx'd steroid for the gout, steroids increase appetite and her's increased). The gout was in her finger and thumb, not her foot (unusual). Doc said it's pseudo gout, meaning more related to arthritis than uric acid. Getting better though, pretty rapidly.
Yes, I'm interested to see going forward, how all these specific issues she Has, get attended to.
The Psychiatrist did a complete overhaul - cutting out a lot of meds and pared down/changed the “mood meds”, as I call them.
Then later, when hospice was brought in - they took away all the physical related meds and just maintained the mood meds and some pain pills.
Through both med adjustments - there was absolutely no change in my mothers physical well-being. None.
I think sometimes these these older folks tend to stay on stuff that is
no longer appropriate- just because they’ve “always” taken it. For instance my mother had a hormone replacement rx... she was 88 for pity’s sake!
I don’t know who’d be the right doctor to ask in MILs current situation - but maybe a complete review should be done for what she’s taking and why she is taking it - i.e, can specific ailments just be let
go - considering her age and all?
Bras. I hate them! Does MIL wear a bra with her PJs at the rehab facility? If she does not, I wouldn’t waste time trying to find one for her to struggle with should she progress to street clothes.
S.A.S. shoes. Omg my grandmother wore those. She had several pairs. She wore them into her 90s.
Dorker, sorry to hear the 5yo is sick. Hope she feels better soon.
Today was my last day of my 6 month commitment babysitting my 5 month 3 week old granddaughter. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when they picked her up day. I have jury duty Monday. So I couldn’t fulfill the the last week and it’s a good thing. I honestly think I would have collapsed.
I also have a 5yo grandson that I babysat for 18 months.
I had no idea 5 years would make such difference. I grossly overestimated my stamina! Good luck with the twins this weekend.
plantar is on the mid to back part on the bottom of the foot. My dh has to keep an eye out for it as he has had it a couple of times. Not the same place as a bunion.
She stopped wearing a bra and wears a cami under her shirts.
I wonder if residents are expected to self-police their diets in an AL?
You certain DO whittle away at a plantar wart. My understanding is that a bunion is a bone issue, internal within the foot and requires surgery, not whittling.
It is well worth the 10 or 15 dollars to deal with them or to finally know what they aren't.
It could take more time if her feet are really calloused or they are really large. I would say if no improvement after 2 weeks it's not going to help.
That could be part of her mobility issues, my niece was 15 years old and said it really hurt to walk on them, I could see she was walking funny and asked, she just thought that was life and they would go away. I think she was embarrassed, you know how 15 year old girls can be;>)
Planters warts? Falling out?!! Shaving bunions? Eewwwww!
Can we talk about something more pleasant - like gout and chitapalooza, maybe?
The bunion is as you said in the bone. My mom had bunions and two of my nephews and my mom’s sister so I suppose there is a genetic component. No whittling on the bunion in her case. I think that’s on the corns. But if the bunion formed a callous from rubbing against the shoe, I suppose it could require whittling. My mom always thought hers was caused from high heels. Wouldn’t explain the grandsons.
Gout almost always starts in the big toe. Some people have normal Uric Acid and have gout. Some have high Uric Acid and don’t have gout. AND one can have both gout and psuedo gout I’ve read. It’s a very old and confusing disease. Nothing confusing about the pain. It’s a different mineral that collects in the joint. It can also be genetic. We have three men in the family with it.
Poor MIL has a variety of ailments. That’s for sure.
. I think we are talking about two diff problems but tea tree oil is a great remedy for many things. I was speaking of plantar fasciitis and your niece had warts. I’m sorry if I misread what Barb was referring to.
I blew a gasket and called my sister and she told mom to quit already. I gave daddy his morphine and Ativan and calmed him down (this thing mother was doing was VERY upsetting to him).
He died a week later. If that stupid Lipitor caused him to live one more day in the hell he endured---well, it's all water under the bridge now, but mother was so adamant he have ALL his meds. NOPE. Hospice was morphine and Ativan only. And anything liquid he wanted. We had to get 24/7 care so mom wouldn't try to sneak him pudding or something.
Palliative and Hospice are similar in their Keep It Simple Stupid attitude. At some point---no meds beyond the absolute necessary for QOL.
Hasnt had to do so for maybe a year or thereabout. But for a long time it was a recurrent thing ... going back and forth a lot.
As for today ... who knows, another UTI maybe. Confusion/disoriented.
MIL couldn't figure out how to turn off the tv last night (no the nurse button didn't dawn on her). Got up and somehow unplugged the tv mounted up on the wall.
Aalso fell out of her bed last night. Told SIL (tells nurse differently) she fell flat out and had to climb back up by holding onto the bed.
Nurses heard a thud... went to check on her ... found her standing up ... Said she fell out of bed but never fell down.
SIL has asked them to run a UTI test. Told MIL they'd be coming to do that. MIL called her later to ask if she'd dreamed it, them coming to do a UTI or was that real.
Seems confused.
I not DH going up there, exposed via grand daughter, type A flu, staying away.
Ppot run ragged SIL is (don't think it's necessary ... let staff handle it). But whatever. She's trying to pull together the docs needed for Monday atty appt ... it's quite the chore sounds like.
Ceasing that endeavor to go to the Rehab site, see what's going on with her mom.
Its something to add to the list of things for SIL or DH to ask DON about. I'm sure they have a podiatrist who visits.
Given MILs mental staus, she probably lacks the ability to localize pain. In between the shaving by the podiatrist, there is medication that needs to be applied each night which encourages the wart to die.
There is, of course the duct tape method. But apparently that doesnt work with deep warts.
I am quite certain that anywhere that MIL ends up, they will want to transfer her usual medical care to the in-house Dr/ARNP/RN care team, and that any regular medications that she is taking, including her heart/Neuro/Stroke meds will be monitored by them, it is just so much easier for the patient and their families this way, that as well as make use of their Mail-order parmacy too. Any specialty type appointments will be minimized to once or twice yearly, esp with your urging, plus any meds that she is taking that can be eliminated, the in-house care team will do that too. There comes a time where meds for Cholesterol or "special" eydrops be discontinued unless absolutely nessesary.
I know that my FIL's PCP d/c'd quite a few of his meds there in the end, as at 87 and older, and in someone so compromised, what are we trying to do here, it's unfair to keep filling them up with meds to prolong their lives, and the patient too would likely agree with this plan of care.
Another thing to mention is the switching around to different Care Facilities. I would think it best to minimize these efforts too, as moving from one place to another is Expensive, using up what little money she has left in "move in costs", plus the added confusion "trying them out", and "testing MIL"s abilities, esp when the posh place doesn't even accept MEDICAID ever, that would be a total waste of time and money! SIL needs to set her sights on the real and nessasary, and quit trying to please her Mother so much!
All of the facilities are going to have their good points and their bad points, you just have to keep going back to the Safe, Clean, nice caring staffing, and a roof over her head, the bits about "slumpers" needs to go by the wayside, as MIL is 1 stroke away from being a slumper herself, and no amount of trying to satisfying her is going to change that fact. It's all going to be a Big adjustment for her, so be ready for that fallout, she will eventually adjust, esp if everyone is on the same page.
I still just cannot get over that this wasn't all part of SIL's master plan, to get her settled there in Fla, and then leave her again. She is very lucky to have you! It seems that everyone needs to be saving and pitching in for Airfare for SIL's frequent trips to Fla, as she will probably be doing a lot of travel in the next year.
Type this into google "Expect psychiatric side effects from corticosteroid use in the elderly" and click the link. Sounds like it is very common. Scary!
B's sister in St. Louis, btw, some new fangled treatment that otherwise looked to serve as hope, where there was none. Not turning out that way. Hospice involved now. I don't know the ins and outs, except to say whatever this new procedure was to have been, seems to long and grueling and no real promise at her age (78) of full recovery. The sister opted for Hospice.
Now the hunt is on, SIL very aware in light of her mom's state at present, her hopping a plane with B, to go with B to see about B's dying sister, not an option she wants to pursue. So now how to get <somewhat compromised B> to St. Louis ... and no SIL to accompany.
Seems there is only one airline from here to there, direct flight as well as reasonable flight. But would mean a stay of 4 days to catch return flight here ... that airline doesn't do this route but a couple of times a week.
Other airlines .. one would have to change planes as well not as reasonably priced. B also left with, post stroke a couple of years back, slight balance issues ..not nearly as bad as MIL's but nonetheless... still a slight fall risk .. so there is worry .. changing planes/navigating an airport, etc
And still sorting that out.
Ugh!
More later. MIL really turning up the drama with SIL at this point.
"All y'all care about is my safety, no one is taking into consideration my quality of life that I care more about"
As well as "now don't y'all forget about me"
MIL also confused .... came to get her for her shower today (schedule is Tues, Thurs, Sat). She declined... told them she showered yesterday ... nope. It was Thursday not yesterday.
The good news tho as reported by SIL (who actually had no intent to go there today ... far too spent and occupied with gathering paperwork for atty, but did go when it was apparent her mom fell last night as well as seeming disoriented) ..
Her mom dressed today .. it's said without help. Yes SIL has stressed upon her the expectation as to Fancy Pants and dressing daily.
Somehpw MIL dressed herself today .. I guess without help.
I said to SIL: "that's great!"
SIL: "I don't know Dorker ... she just isn't with it .. I don't think she'll be able to hang with what's expected there ... she gets too confused...and this whole thing .. it's just ... she's so scared about her future ... really has her addled"
Author Unknown
Criminy. SIL just doesn’t get it.
MIL is addled because of her diminishing cognition.
Also worth noting - MIL was not the least bit “scared about her future” when she & her geriatric dog were calling the shots.
I'm curious if the lawyer will weigh in on the idea of a cognitive assessment to get a better handle on what MIL's real needs are, going forward.
I don't know what I would have done without you all, when I was pulling my hair out caring for my FIL. It's just nice to be able to write out your thoughts, and the feedback is priceless!
I had 18 Aunties and Uncles, plus our 4 parents, plus my 5 siblings in-laws, and now they are all gone, so we are the oldies now. It's so hard to believe that in 10-15 years time, it will be us facing placement into Senior Care Facilities. I will be the nice old lady with a pocket full of sweets, and I'll be as nice as can be! Just bring me a big cup of hot coffee in the morning and I won't give them any trouble at all! LOL!
I agree.
I have been going there, .. 2 x's a week ..
SIL: Every day. However, she had no intention of going on Friday . was going to stay home to take care of some things .. but .. the BIL to MIL passed away and she wanted to tell MIL in person, so she took poochy and off they went, to break that news. (why she didn't see fit to phone her mom .. I guess it would be her feeling that her mom in too tender a spot these days, to take that kind of news .. and would be so upset to hear it, off she went). SIL wasn't going to go yesterday . was going to stay home, rest, pull paperwork together. But word her mom fell the night before (there still seems to be some discrepancy in that occurrence .. MIL tells that she fell .. out of the bed, to her knees . the nurse reports having heard a thud . went to check on her, .. and she was standing by the bed, .. don't know .. who knows). But SIL talking to her mom, learning that her mom seemed disoriented/confused (Prednisone?, could be) .. pondering if her mom has a UTI again, wanting to direct traffic on that issue. Learning her mom had the night before .. in her confusion/disorientation couldn't figure out how to turn off the tv with the remove .. (no I don't guess the nurse button dawned on her, . .I asked SIL why didn't she use that nurse button and call for one of them to help .. SIL's reply "I guess she's effing crazy .. I don't know) . .. got out of bed, stood on her tippy toes, to reach the electric cord (extremely poor judgement on MIL's part to have done that, and unplugged the thing) .. SIL .. off she went again yesterday.
I guess in the end, .. good thing she did .. not all shot in the foot with this Rehab place, .. and supposedly one of the best in the area .. it doesn't seem so, or maybe we don't know what a bad rehab looks like. SIL had called .. (directing traffic .. her mom fully cognizant should be able to handle that on her own, without SIL's direction) .. SIL called the nurse desk asked them to check her for UTI .. that she seems confused/disoriented. They said they would, that was yesterday AM. Got there, .. early afternoon, nothing had been done to address that. Got on it again, .. took them forever .. to then bring a specimen cup for MIL .. sounds like SIL was the one to .. assist with that cup .. not staff ... (MIL can't hover .. to pee in a cup ... she'd be all over the floor). SIL got that done, notified the specimen available, and had to remind them repeatedly to come get it .. I don't think they came for the cup til about 5.
Still no word on results on that issue..
But anyway, seems SIL goes every day and she's doing nothing but wearing herself out further .. and I've weighed in on that .. as well as cautioning . she won't be, wherever she lands .. visited daily by those that live here .. we will visit . .certainly . but it won't be daily .. and SIL's reply to that, .. "Well it's just really hard for her right now, she's scared about her future .. she's so addled and fretful and worried".
I'm about over it. I realize this isn't my mom .. I haven't walked in these shoes . with a parent who is addled, fretful .. worried/scared .. and it's always easy to arm-chair QB these things. But .. as I told SIL . unsolicited advice .. ."You're going to have to limit your exposure there .. you really are".
This because MIL plays on the heart strings . with the whole .. I don't know .. it's like she's in a play. Her saying things like, "now don't ya'll stick me somewhere and forget about me".
SIL says that kinda statement pizzes here off .. but she replies w/as much patience as she can . when what she wants to say is: "What has given you any EFFING INDICATION that last umpteen damn years we've all jumped thru hoops for you, . that you're gonna be forgotten!
Something had been said along the way by B .. I don't know the context of the conversation . I wasn't there .. but B had chimed in . and here were his words: "Oh, I'm just the dog walker".
Seems MIL honed in on that, and took it with a flavor of, as follows:
MIL: "Now B says he's just the dog walker .. I don't want you guys . now you must give him the attention . when you take him with you .. if you guys can't show him the love and attention needs .. then you need to find a good home for him . I want to make sure he's loved and cared for".
What the LIVING H377?
As SIL said she wanted to reply, but didn't .. governed her remarks, but what she wanted to say is: "for the last couple of years . anytime we've been around . your dog has been fed/let in and out, hauled to groomer, doctor, .. walked .. played with .. all of it, .. by US .......................... wth is with that statement".
MIL's statement that none of us care about her "quality of life" .. which is of more concern to her .. that we are all so busy trying to find her some place "safe" .. but nobody cares about what it is she cares about .. QOL.
So many responses SIL could've come back with . .and her expressing she wanted to (in fact SIL says this is all trying her patience .. that she's trying to remain patient and let her mom work through all this, pity parties and all .. ) .. but she wanted to say to her, "We are weighing every factor .. and ya know, your QOL, .. can no longer be at the hands of what we're all willing to do to prop it all up . that ship has sailed .. you have no QOL sitting in this house day after day . just you and your dog .. and isolated . .and failing to manage on your own .. so no . QOL is not our paramount concern .. we're weighing it all ... but .. QOL .. is not at the top of the list.
SO many responses that could've gotten.
SIL is the main one dealing with her, and far too frequently IMO.
I advised .. unsolicited btw, .. "you need to begin limiting your exposure to it all.. .you've said it, we all have, time and again .. as to what it is that we're doing and why . and I know older people don't change gears . .and this is a big gear .. a huge one .. but it's been said, time and time again ... and .. for her to continue pulling at your sympathy cord the way she's doing .. you need to seriously limit your exposure to it at this point . you don't need to be there every single day . for your own well being . you're going to wear yourself down and get sick again .. but not only that, it's allowing her the platform . continually to play this oh so sad saga she's the star actress in .. and it's not fair to you .. or to any of us . you need to begin telling her, your'e done talking about it and change the subject . if she won't .. tell her you'll see her in a couple of days .. begin training her that her saga . is what it is .. it just is what it is . and lamenting . .and crying . and pulling at heart strings .. is a broken record no one wants to hear .. and do it".
But anyway ... as to visiting her. I got 2x's week
DH goes maybe every-other-day .. or every two days .. a few x's a week.
<<though presently . none of us can go .. we've ALL been around sick g'daughter and could be incubating the flu ourselves and don't need to expose MIL to it>>
That includes DD .. who had hoped to get by this weekend .. she goes 1 x' a week .. and that has been sidelined in the sick daughter.
YD ... goes 1 x' a week
OD (no surprise there) .. hasn't called or gone by, not once.
Church lady goes 1 x a week.
I'm glad that I only go 2 x's a week .. because .. we know that M hit MIL where the water hits the wheel, with reality 101 . and M is now not a favored person with MIL. I think I would fall into that category next .. if I were there enough and had to hear all of it . I'd likely tell her, .. among many things .. one would be, "you need to knock it off, this is grueling to your kids . and they are both heartbroken
heartbroken and sad beyond measure and loosing sleep and tears .. and they are doing the absolute best they can do for you, given the circumstances that you yourself orchestrated in your actions .. over the last few decades .. now shut up and take your bitter pill the way you made it . and quit making them feel guilty .. stop it ..
They can't figure out . none of us can . what she's talking about . but she brings it up to church lady, to SIL . to DH ..
her words: "I just want to go to that little place that has the duplexes near DH's church".
None of us know of any duplexes near DH's church . we don't know what the h377 she's talking about . there are no duplexes near DH's church .. there are . some townhomes .. yes . that are single story . and two to a structure .. maybe that's what she's referring to . but those are not AL's . they are townhomes for fully functional sorts .. not at all associated with any elder care, it's a normal neighborhood . like any other.
SIL going there with her mom .. (I wouldn't) . I'd just change the subject. "Mom . .we don't even know what your'e talking about .. duplexes . where ..??... what duplexes?".
MIL: "I don't know it's close to DH's church'.
SIL: "What ..???... that's like a regular neighborhood . that's not any AL or anything .. you're talking about moving out of your house and into that, ..??.. what ..??? buying one of those .. with what .. you don't have any $ .. and it's not AL . it's a normal neighborhood . if you're gonna live alone . you already have a home to do that .. you can't live alone anymore:
MIL: "I just want to go to that little area where the duplexes are".
SIL telling me, it's so hard to have any conversation with her.
YA THINK??!?!??
Because I've been telling you now for at least two years she needs a cog assessment . but no . forever it was the UTI . it was the UTI .. and it still hasn't happened and may never for all I know . so she has all this crazy talk that you try to sort thru. Change the damn subject and move on . you know there are no duplexes near there with any association to an Elder Care .. none at all, so stop trying to sort that thru with her ..
MIL playing on the heart string with SIL's visits . that she just guesses that she will have to resign herself to the fact that the rest of her days here on this earth will be pretty chitty ones ..
SIL responding to that: "Life is what you make of it mother".
MIL playing on the heart strings of .. "I just can't believe . that I will never see my home again .. I love my home .. I love all my things .. what are you all doing with all my things . are things being carted out of there, right now as we speak .. ".
SIL responding: "Mother we're all far too busy to even contemplate any of that right now, and everything is right where you left it .. nobody has moved a stick of anything".
MIL: "I just want to go home to my home, just me and my little doggie".
I could just scream .. enough already. SIL quit going there so frequently .. and when you are there and it all starts again . shut it down .. tell her you're not talking about it anymore, .. that she's going to have to trust at this point that she raised both you and your brother with enough sense and sensibility to be responsible as to the choices that are being pondered .. and be done with it . and move on . stop letting her play this stupid operatic drama chit show.
It was thought .. Wellbutrin will increase her appetite some (something that was showing to be a problem, no appetite), that coupled with the fact, Zoloft can cause GI issues .. and MIL already has enough GI issues .. so the doc rx'd Wellbutrin .. and yes it's being administered daily now ..
So yes, let's hope in the next week or so some of this can wane, with the anti depressant on board.
Good grief!
The thing is .. it's so obvious to me .. MIL . not firing on all cylinders . that's a given probably for a lot who are her age.
And she's playing the same cards that always worked ..
It always worked for her, .. "I just want to go home, to my home, I love so much .. and my dog".
No longer works .. SIL is not on that page, .. SIl the ultimate enabler . of Enablers, she formed her own chapter of the Enabler's Anonymous .. and is the prez and CEO of it.
It worked for too long .. and it's not working anymore .. but MIL being compromised . isn't able to process .. and realize with any cognition . keep playing the same broken record .. it's not working anymore.
"Don't ya'll stick me with a bunch of people that don't know chit from chitola .......".
Worked .. forever. Not working anymore, but play that broken record over and over.
All of it ..
It worked .. all the utterings that she throws out there, . they worked .. for a long long time ..
And she's still stuck with the loosing deck as to the cards she's playing but not cognizant enough to realize that deck is faulty and no longer gonna work for her.. but play it she does .. over and over.
There are also family members who are there every day. One woman feeds her mother all meals. Another one is there every night until her mother falls asleep. Another woman has visitors every time I go there. I wonder if SIL will think she has to be like that if she sees this kind of presence by others?
So has SIL given up on getting B to his sister's? That's a shame that he can't see his sister while she's still alive. Perhaps in 10 days, when the transfer to the LTC "purgatory" is made and presumably all the Medicaid-pending paperwork is humming along?
One more thing I want to say, Dorker, re facilities, is that falls are common. My mother never fell before entering the NH, but she has probably seven (? I've lost track) falls since then. It's usually when she wakes up at night, tries to stand up, then crumples to the floor. All have been "soft" falls, although one was a little different and there were x-rays and a CT scan. They can't restrain NH residents, so I think this is par for the course.
I, too, was going to the NH at first after every fall, but now I don't. The NH is required to inform me of falls and injuries.