I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Whether it be MILs flair for drama or cognitive impairment or a combination of both her repeated remarks that are upsetting and irritating to everyone are not likely to stop even if instructed to knock it off. It just doesn’t work that way.
Sometimes the best response is no response or change the subject.
This is just another layer of what makes these situations so stressful.
All these things that are going on health wise with MIL at rehab that have to be addressed. This will all continue wherever MIL lands long term. Someone will need to be the contact person should SIL return home. SIL could be the long distance contact person but cue the directives from afar.....
You may as well be talking to the wall as talking to her. NOTHING you say is sticking with her. She has her perceived "ideal" and y'all are messing with that.
SIL is going to the rehab place way too much. When she eventually goes home, MIL will have a fit. Are you ready for that?
MIL sounds so much like MY SIL, All conversations somehow manage to circle around until they land on her and her woes and sad terrible life. She can be downright vicious when she wants, and she often wants.
She's cognizant of things and couldn't be labeled "incompetent" by a long stretch, but she sure can be labeled mean as a snake. Maybe we'll put her in a zoo.
She, too, is terrified her sons are going to throw her in a home, when she doesn't realize she is not even on their radar. Dh only sees her a few times a year and that is usually the topic--how so and so's kids threw her in a nursing home and she was left to rot. OB hasn't seen her in a couple of years. He's kind of in the "call me when she's died" camp. he's 71 and retired and loving it. Finally broke free of his toxic mother.
And MIL is going to live forever.
You can make sympathetic noises with little to no comment when she tells you about her mom's issues.
If she gets less " do it this way" from you ( she doesn't listen to your advice, that's well established) she may start to listen to how dumb her own assertions are.
If MIL responds - "Yes, just leave me there with my little dog," SIL might say, "Mom, you know in your heart people cannot be left alone to die. Sure wish someone was able to care for you full-time, but there is just no one capable of doing that, certainly not me as I am getting old myself. Wish I was able."
Basically, just keep agreeing with her. Yes, it sure is sad. Yes, it sure must be hard leaving your house and stuff. Always is. Wish there was an answer.
Drop the guilt/defensive long-time drama dance as it obviously does not work and MIL will never hear all the defending anyway.
As far as the daily visits/requirements, that was my experience with my mom. I suppose in my head, there was the (hopeful) vision of the happily adjusted AL residents that can continue there for a several years, but it wasn't my experience. My mom (who sounds so similar in her stages as MIL) continued straight down from there until her death in a bit less than a year. There was health problem after health problem along with confusion and weakness, interspersed with clarity and small rebounds... but she was gone in a year.
Keep in mind, that the several years many do enjoy in AL have already been enjoyed by MIL in her own home. Propped up by you! MIL should have been in AL a few years ago! So this very well could be the demise stage at this point that you all are witnessing. DH and SIL have to decide in their own hearts and minds how they want to remember their role in this stage, without guilt. I was retired and able, so I did consciously choose to visit my mom almost daily. I was not forced or coerced or even guilted. That is why I always thought that the move back to FL was such a bad move for SIL, as by not being there, I fear she will carry some guilt later. :-(
My mother planned to a degree for her later years by buying a LTC policy. She had been divorced for many years. I am an only. She did not plan how quickly it all came about after a fall and hospitalization. She wanted to go back to her apartment to sort her things. It took my husband and I 6 months to sort her things. My MIL did not plan and we had to get her into a facility as she lived far and was becoming wacko. My husband is an only. We also had to clean out her house. She never really adjusted too well to AL.
I try to live my life very differently especially as I read from this site. I would like to live near one of my 3 children. None of them will ever be near each other due to the nature of their work. I would never want to live with one. I would rather not go into AL. I don't like 3 meals a day nor Bingo. I hope I never do what so many do to their children. Right now they actually ask about us living near them but I'm not going to press my luck.
I would want this for myself, but I worry by the time I reach the stage when I want to exit, I don't have the mental capacity to do it. So, I want to leave instructions for whomever my POA is to carry them out.
As it is, MIL's life is prolonged by medical interventions, just so that she can live it out in an institution. If no one took her to the ER the last few times, perhaps she would have caught a ride on a passing cloud.
I think if one is serious about wanted no medical interventions, you ned to have a bullet proof living will. You need to enumerate what interventions you don't want quite explicitly. You need to appoint an MPOA who you know will allow you to die.
If you want to die at home, you need the resources to provide yourself in home care and accept that there will be caregivers coming into your home. If you're on Medicaid, unless youre in NYC, you wont get 24/7 care, so you need to be prepared to die alone.
Turned out to be a UTI/Diverticulitis . hospitalized . now in Rehab from that stint in the hospital and from there directed to . the path forward to placement.. one she is fighting mightily .. and the sadness that ensues.
He wishes (not realistic . and he knows that) .. he'd of just tucked her into bed and let things take their course.
I've asked of him, . "but how did you know if she was having some kind of stroke related issue ... that was going to get far worse . and maybe not take her out of this world, you didn't know .. and turns out it was a UTI .. .do you know what a death would be like, . absent any intervention from Sepsis resulting from a completely treatable UTI.
Unfortunately for her,.. in her case .. I guess what she has . no one can zero in on . ."well let's see you stop taking that med for A-Fib and for your stroke related issues .. gee it'll probably take about "x" weeks/months . and you'll have a massive stroke that will take you out".
Unless with per se, . .a cancer dx .. maybe they could pinpoint a little better, .. "you have approximately 3 months to live" .or something like that.
We all know Hospice can't stay with her around the clock, no one can.
I don't know .. I'm kinda lost in all this at this point, and somewhat angry .. and I don't know what to do about it.
We went to see MIL this afternoon . on our way to meet up with SIl/B . .their anniversary . and to join them for dinner out . .
Yes, . in spite of having been around childhood illnesses .. and we went anyway . the thinking .. "she doesn't wanna be here anyway . if she got the flu it'd probably take her out". We didn't touch her, or hug her . just visited, . sitting across the room.
Visited for maybe 1 1/2 hours . and most of that time . I let MIL ramble on (as she's apt to do) . about the past . her talking . don't even know what got that subject going .. about a friend she lost in her youth, to Polio . and how all that went back in the day.
Her talking about her sister and the husband to that sister that just died . .and their younger years .. and all of that.
She wanted to know how the sickness is with g'daughter... wanted to know about the babies we kept .. and what went on, talked about that.
Talked about the lousy food there at the Rehab site (they have her on a zero sodium diet . .and her edema is completely gone). Marveled at that.
She began to talk about Poochy who had been brought earlier in the day for a visit along with SIL/B. And began to weep.
Talked of how hard it is to part with him.
My response: "I have to think DD's approach to all that is probably about the best .. she says .. he deserves to be with folks who can better take care of him . and walk him . and play with him . and I have to think that's right".
DH didn't weigh in . it was mostly me and MIl talking .. we're talkers.
Her response to my statement: "it still hurts . he's been my companion now for many years . just he and I . .and I think about loosing him and it breaks my heart (weeping some more).
I changed the subject back to some dietary issues .. and off of Poochy, and so that episode ended.
We visited a little while longer ..
When it was time for us to leave, .. more weeping . and her words;
"I just .. I don't know what the future holds, it's pretty scary .. and .. it all just seems so hopeless .. I think about these next days of my life and it all seems pretty dismal .. ".
This is as we'd stood to leave . .and her now weeping and saying this.
My chiming in: "I know . this is some really hard stuff . no two ways about it, I'd feel the way you do more than likely .. but we love you and we will all get through this together".
MIL: (now talking to DH) .. "If you want to pray about something pray that I won't last long .. I don't want to have to endure this but it doesn't look like
Doesn't look like there's gonna be any other choice, and it just all look so bleak".
DH: "I do pray mother, I pray with you .. and I pray for you and I've prayed .. our whole church is praying for you .. that your heart can be at peace with this .. and that you can adjust and be okay .. we all pray".
MIL: "Well if you want to pray that's what you need to pray for . because I'm telling you . I am worried . I can hardly pull myself out of it . it's all okay only when someone comes to visit . .and I can leave this . and talk about something else".
ME: "Have you tried going out into the hallway here . there are little sitting areas all around . and almost all of them have folks sitting there .. some . look like patients here .. might go and talk to them when no one is here to visit you".
MIL: "I don't want to talk to these people .. ".
DH: "I'll be back up here to see you in a day or two . and you just hang in there mom . we love you, we all love you . .and it's all going to be okay".
We left .. DH with tears in his eyes .. and on the ride down on the elevator and out to the car, wiping tears.
And .. in the car, his words (he doesn't mean it, it's anger . .lashing out) .. ."I tell ya what . she's in that God Forsaken place and doesn't want to be! And fixing to have to go to that other place that's even worse . .don't put it past me! I will go get her and take her to where she grew up (little tiny town where she grew up) . ".
Me: "and then what?".
No answer. Not realistic . and he knows that, he's just lashing out at something he can't fix... and I know that.
The drive to the restaurant to go meet up with SIL/B .. it was mostly silent . tried to change the subject . but he is in some far off place . .somber and despair .. at the prospect of what we're approaching and his mom's despair over it all ... .just checked out . he was.
Get to the restaurant and meet SIL/B there (SIL now more reeled in by M . in the last few days . more realistic about it all now than she was a few days ago unlike her brother, DH). Of course, it's the topic dujour ...
I tried to change the subject . .. a couple of times . like in .. when she was talking about how far away her g'kids live . (they do, they live on the other side of the world) .. and I said . "hopefully once we get on past some of this you and B will be able to go see and spend some time with your g'kids".
SIL: I would hope to, if we can afford it, . costs a LOT of $ to fly over there".
B not weighing in.
Back the subject circles to . and DH more tears .. and .. it was just somber and sad ..
I find that I am angry.
I even asked SIL: "Do you think this would be any easier if your mom was more resolved as to what has to occur here".
DH weighing in: "Not gonna happen . not with her, she'll never resolve to this . won't happen".
SIL: "YES! If she would have some understanding that she just can't live alone anymore, and no one can take care of her . so this is as it has to be . yes . it would be a lot easier . but that's not her, she's not realistic .. I don't know . her short term memory is shot to h377 .. she doesn't even remember that a couple of weeks back where she was not responsive . doesn't remember a thing about it .. she doesn't remember that she can't take care of herself . and she fails to take her meds and can't take her of herself when she's sick .. she doesn't remember all that .. ".
DH wiping tears.
SIL: "I had so hoped .. I guess I had to have it all poured on me, and around me . and under me to see it .. I was so on the page that I'd bring her to my home make sure she eats good, takes her meds, get her some PT .. and get her stronger . but it just didn't happen . it was just one thing after another . and she can't stand being there, doesn't want to be there . she was miserable there and I can't take care of her 24/7 . it has just about killed me".
DH .. still wiping some tears: "I just hate this for her ..
She just didn't ever want to go this route . never did .. I just hate it .. it makes me almost sick . and breaks my heart for her
Me: "You guys it's almost like, if she were bed ridden . .and confined to a wheelchair . she'd still be insisting that she wants to stay in her home with no real clarity on how that can't possibly happen".
SIL: "Your'e right . if she fell and broke her hip . she'd be still insisting she can stay there . she and her dog .. it's not realistic. She just keeps saying she wants to get back to where she was . well chit . where she was hasn't been good for a long long time . she's almost damn 90 years old, . it's not ever gonna be good again . .. it's just gonna get worse".
I'm angry ....
Why am I angry . ...
I don't know. I guess . from my vantage point . it's not my mom for one thing . and I haven't had to walk this walk with my own mom . but damnit .. what did you folks all think was gonna be the end damn result here . if she lives long enough . she will indeed be bed ridden and in a wheelchair . did you all think that you'd just continue to somehow by magic fairies keep her in her home?!?!?!
GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did you folks think?
Do you NOT think?
I'm sick of it . I really am. I'm angry with the mom . that she keeps playing on this whole thing ..
I KNOW IT"S HARD .. I KNOW . .it's never easy for ANYONE . ever! I KNOW . WE ALL KNOW
But damnit . people . .what's the alternative here? The real/valid/plausible alternative? There isn't one.
I asked DH that later . after we got home, just out of disgust . "what's your plan then .. you sit here now in a stupor . and in the doldrums over it all, what's your plan, alternative?'
DH: "I just wish the Good Lord would bring her cloud for her".
ME: "Okay well that's not in your control or her's . or anyone else's . .. that cloud will come for her . eventually ... but until then . what's your suggestion".
DH: "I don't know .. I don't have one".
More doldrums and despair.
Finally told him . if you can't lift your self out of this . you may need to also talk to the doc about an anti depressant (had already suggested that he go meet with the pastor tomorrow AM and talk with him and that had been met with "I HAVE talked to him", to my response of . "I know you have . .maybe you need to talk to him some more, or get a counselor or something to help you work thru this".
I am trying to be sympathetic .. I really am. I truly am. But .. mostly I just feel anger . ..
WTH is with you all? Your mom .. what did she think, that SIL would always give up her life, no matter how bad it gets . and be her c'taker . and what of SIL's husband and his needs . .that doesn't matter. How effing damn selfish! Angry ..
Forgive me if this sounds harsh. I don’t think your DH is a horrible human. Maybe I am just worn out from working on facility move/Medicaid for a sibling who is HALF of MIL’s age, who is in worse shape physically than she is, who is cognitively in the same place, who is a similar personality.
However, that sibling had lost their future to an illness years ago in their EARLY THIRTIES. I want take bring DH into my world for 5 minutes. MIL too.
MIL has lived a long, full life on her terms. She has had a marriage, kids, grandkids. She could travel and walk and shop and get braces and have a dog. There are people who get NONE of those things and still manage to smile at others and try to bring joy.
Now she has choices. She CAN still choose her attitude. She CAN choose to make friends, even if some people are slumpers. (Again, she is likely more slumpish than most people realize.) She CAN choose to bring joy to others and stop focusing only on herself. She CAN choose to live each day as best she can.
And if she is too impaired to be responsible to make those choices (which I think she is for some of those things but not all) then there should be no guilt here. DH needs to stop projecting. She is not experiencing life in the same manner as he is.
I know aging is hard. I do. But she is not being sent to the Gulag, for Pete’s sake. People suffer so.much.more than this every single day. I am usually the last person to compare suffering. Pain is still pain even if someone else is suffering more.
But this, while a hard thing, is not special or extreme. It is LIFE.
Wow. Just wow.
your MIL is manipulating her kids. And it sounds like she’s done it for years. Her comments to DH about praying for the lord to take her—pure manipulation!
And your anger is justified. She’s manipulating your husband and the situation. Even if she wasn’t, he would no doubt be upset over this. But he too made choices and so did SIL. I’m angry for you! Husband and SIL enabled and pretending things weren’t happening. They ignored you for years. MIL manipulated and played her part well. She didn’t plan for old age, she was busy getting face lifts and braces. Part of me empathizes with them but part of me is angry too because you are your husbands support system and all of this affects you too. From the sounds of it he’s depressed over the situation and who has to support him and pick up the pieces? You.
MIL needs to suck it up buttercup. I sympathize with her too because heck ya her future is bleak, it’s sad when you think about it. She’s not going to go home. She’s going to go into a facility and that’s where she will be for the rest of her life. But this is the end result of the choices she made earlier in life and she has absolutely no right to manipulate and guilt her children! No right at all. She will be in a safe place where she’s taken care of. It’s not the end of the world. She’s not going to suffer. It could be a lot worse.
and DH. He too has to suck it up and accept that the choices he made have also led to this. All those years he left you to deal with MIL. All the years of taking a backseat to SIL who was moving heaven and earth for MIL.
The whole thing is very sad.
But saying that in front of SIL and DH gives them one more window into the world of manipulation going on here. “Oh, the only time I am not being tortured is when Y’ALL visit.”
BS. That is a control tactic, plain and simple. I would guess that SIL mentioned that she was going to take a day off from visiting and that is a pre-empt.
I truly do not have a heart of ice, lol. But compartmentalizing is my natural specialty... if anyone needs to borrow some of my concrete walls, you are welcome to them;)
MIL has already had several bonus years (compared to many) where she WAS given her wishes to remain at home, thanks to all you guys, and thanks to the grace of God that she has lived this long!
No one knows what their own future holds, but some handle every stage with grace, some don't. Keep sharing your grace, Dorker, and hopefully a bit will rub off on the others. <3
Today is the appointment with the elder law attorney. Hooray! Please come back and give us a report of what he said. Or are you going? Is H going?
This whole situation has sucked the life out of .. well ... life as we know it ... for far too damn long and I am OVER IT!
Gawd!!!
Forever it was "she'll manage"......And she wasn't "managing" but these two dimwits buying into that premise.
Now it's the wringing of hands at the next juncture in all this, placement.
Stop. Just stop.
Reality is ..THERE IS NO OTHER ALTERNATIVE!
That cloud will arrive when it does but we have no control over that. Til then...
Magic fairies aren't gunna swoop in and be her round the clock caregivers. Not that she'd sit with that any damn way ... always opposing people coming a and going.
Unicorn dust isn't gunna fall and restore her to youth and vitality.
THERE ARE NO OTHER ALTERNATIVES PEOPLE!!
And as far as I'm concerned she was afforded the luxury of staying in her home with her little dog .. far far longer than should've been the case because nobody wanted to actually smell the coffee brewing and wake the h377 up ...
Im over it!!!!
Im going .. when i'd like to just excuse myself. Only because I don't want to be assigned anything in absentia.
I know this is hard. I know... I know ... I know.
But how much different would all this look if MIL were uttering something to the tune of:
"I understand ... I appreciate ALL that you guys have done to try to help me. I appreciate ALL you guys are doing to try to find a suitable site .. I know it's not easy and I thank you guys and trust you all to find a place where I can be safe and cared for... we'll all get thru this"
How different it might look.
That sentiment, those words, will never come out of her mouth. Not gunna happen.
Its like I pointed out to DH yesterday... him questioning is this the "right" thing to do and his words "am I doing this for selfish reasons .. just to convenience myself"
Me: honestly I don't see there's any choice here that's viable. And are you doing this to "convenience yourself" as you put it. Is that how you would define your sister's actions ... she tried it .... can't do it.... do you think she is acting out of "it's the convenient choice".
Just stop it ...enough already!
There are no magical unicorns or fairies and the flying monjeys they all left ...and the cloud is out there to arrive when it does .. Til then ... what's the reality? Let's get on with it
ROFL! - yeah, but not in the same shape.
There IS a hierarchy of suffering here. And there is actual suffering. Don't let your frustration that MIL didn't make better plans and her kids didn't heed your warnings make you lose sight of the fact that this not particularly social woman is facing the remainder of her life in an institution. What do you *expect* her to say?
Maybe I should be laying my frustration at the feet of her son .. and his failure to smell the coffee that's been brewing for a long long time.
Maybe that's more the point, rather than expecting MIL .. who has been the beneficiary of flying monkeys and magical thinking for far too long .. to come to any rational conclusion as things progress along here.
At least SIL has been reeled in. SIL even mentioning that last night . at our dinner out, that M has the capacity .. she's such a realist as SIL put it .. to bring her back to reality on it all. She indeed does .. where SIL can't hear what is said about it, seemingl only from M.
SIGH
As I pointed out to DH ... "ya know, I think it was Bev . at church .. who walked this walk herself ... in her own mom and placement .. as she put it .. you guys need to all get busy with the business of living your lives . and not living to serve her ... you've all done that .. for a number of years .. and when it gets to be too great, the need, . then you make sure the setting is one that can meet her needs . .and you go on living . that's what you do .. much as she did when she was your age".
Has no impact.
All these thing that make perfect sense to me, and seen by me, with so much clarity .. and such common sense. Are clouded by flying monkeys and unicorn dust .. as to DH and his vision forward.
And yes as a matter of fact, these common sense approaches .. and things that people in our periphery say (all in agreement that she needs a more supported setting than family can provide) .. all have said it to him.
But to quote him yesterday as we left, . and him with tears .. and frustration of a setting he can't fix .. when he was spouting off that he'd just go get her and take her to ____________ (the little town she grew up in) ........ and his next words, "everybody can kiss my azz .. she never wanted to end up in this path".
Everybody .. meaning ... all who are saying she needs a more supported setting. That's what he meant by that. Everybody can kiss my azz ..
Ergo my response to him: "....and then what?".
I didn't say it ..
But there are no flying monkeys there awaiting her arrival to take this over and make life grand. So .. take her there, for what? Then what?
It's as DD put it .. "This isn't the movie Notebook . where there's this little quaint home that people's every need is so lovingly and attentively looked after .. she's like she's in a movie, The Notebook . and .. she's picturing herself in some little quaint home that she can live out her days . the sweet little southern belle .. this aint a damn movie ...".
BINGO.
I don't know, just venting "my" frustration at it all, "my" experience in it all. It just seems to me .. that DH .. would be able to come to some conclusion .. that his wife nearly dragged herself to the ends of the earth with it all .. and threw up her hands . that would've been clue #1 .. and then SIL took this on f/t .. in her home even . rather than here . .and she too .. has been left as wasted in the endeavor ...
Can you NOT sit up and take notice, .. that there aren't a plethora of devoted family members .. your wife is spent . your sister is spent . now we call on Aunt so and so that doesn't exist . or brother so and so that doesn't exist . or niece so and so that doesn't exist .. or .. whatever. Can you not see that it is NOT DOABLE .. it just is not. That's the reality . it just is. Can you not see that?
Just .. as someone else put it, grow a set ..
Realize this is the reality .. and stop letting the sympathy of it all . .so drag you into a place that does not serve anyone in this . not you . not your mother . not your sister or your wife .. and start being a part of the solution.
Maybe I'm just mean ... but here's another conversation that went on between DH and myself over this:
DH: "Why won't the Good Lord see fit to come for her .. I pray that he will just come get her, and take her from this broken life .. why won't he do that?".
ME: You know as well as I do ..the Lord moves in his own time .. and he will ... when that time comes . .but maybe . just maybe .. who knows... maybe GOD is waiting for her to come to some realization that those people sitting slumped over .. that little old man that probably couldn't even tell you his name at this point, all slumped over and out of it, .. that he matters .. he at one time, mattered to someone . .his life here on this earth .. was a life at one point . and he was part of someone's world and he mattered to them . and just because he now sits slumped over and can't even tell you who he is .. doesn't somehow make her above him and he beneath her .. and so maybe GOD is waiting for her to come to that conclusion .. I don't know .. ".
MIL has been working on him.
She recognizes he is the weakest link now.
Also, if MIL really wanted the cloud to take her, if she REALLY wanted this to happen, she would keep quiet when she is ailing. Instead, she gets out a megaphone and announces every hangnail to the world. All "the cloud" talk is just drama to elicit sympathy.
My relative pulls this crap regularly! For awhile she kept threatening to kill herself. Then, she was in the hospital for an afib procedure, she SCREAMED at us all to "not dare let her die!"
It just isn't there, .. the capacity to sequence that process.
So .. with that knowledge, or so would be my assertion, MO .. anyway ...
The others who matter in all this .. her daughter, her son .. they too should also be of that same accord .. "her mind just isn't right .. ergo .. she can't seem to come to terms with all this .. and so .. all we can do is press forward .. hard/sorrow filled yes .. but press forward and love her, continue to love her .. in spite of it all .. but press forward .. and let her know she won't be deserted .. certainly .. seek to find a suitable setting where her needs will be met by hopefully friendly/professional staff .. and press forward indeed .. and stop already .. stop with letting the sympathy of this thing wear you down .. just stop .. and when she starts with all that . just .. skirt it, change the subject, .. assure her and move on to another topic and resolve . just resolve .. and move on, press forward.
As church lady told me yesterday, MIL having confided in her (also she states she didn't tell DH this .. as she puts it, .. "you can see it all on his face, he isn't wearing this well" .. so I guess for that reason she chose not to share this confidentiality that MIL shared with her) .. that she'd said to church lady .. if this next avenue is her path forward, . she doesn't want to go on living.
My response to that with church lady, "yes at one time I did talk to her about Hospice .. but .. really she doesn't have the sequencing of thought to stay on topic ... and ponder/consider that as any notion . and I talked to SIL about it .. but SIL's thoughts . .nothing she has is imminently terminal .. and besides that she needs round the clock care .. and Hospice isn't gonna stay with her .. where she wants to be .. in her home .. around the clock".
There are so many twists and turns going on. SIL, I expected the change of heart to happen when she somewhat recovered. Thank goodness M pulls her back into reality.
I did not expect DH to stay so emotional.
When My Mom (only child) decided it was time for her Mom to be placed I thought it was borderline premature. Granny was 90 still lived alone with a lot of support from my Mom. But I was not prepared to step into my Moms shoes. My younger sister flipped her lid. “Granny will go to a NH over my dead body”, “Granny will come live with me” she said. Placement day came and no one had to step over my sister’s dead body. Emotional words said during an emotional time. Same as DHs remark about snatching MIL and running off to her tiny hometown, unless he is loosing his marbles.
I hope the meeting with the Attorney goes well. Hopefully the fact that MIL has run out of options and the family is doing what is best for all concerned and not just getting rid of the granny problem might settle in with DH. I’m not holding my breath. I certainly didn’t see this continued responses coming from DH.
This continued response coming from MIL, yes, of course, expected, and it’s not going to stop.
Doesn’t that just say it all ?!?!
DH and SIL have been trained up and groomed by Narc MIL over the course of their LIFETIMES to "keep mama happy" no matter the cost, right?
Driving around campsites for the perfect one? Agreeing with her that an RM for a facelift and braces were a reasonable person's way of doing things, when there was clearly no money in the bank for retirement? Resisting bringing reality to their mom when she was more able to adjust to a new setting--like when you started ringing bells about this?
SIL can only be re-directed by her straight-thinking daughter; even then, she falls for the narc fairy dust every time she sees her mom.
DH, well, you need to find out who his spine straightner is; it clearly isn't you (and no insult to you, Dorker, really; some husbands just can't hear the bell from their wives).
Is it one of his daughters? Does he need to go see a therapist or counselor--not yours? Can you contact the pastor and ask if he can see DH again, or recommend a faith based psychiatrist or therapist in the area?
Look, I don't always like your husband, but I have compassion for him; he's the baby of the family and they ALWAYS have trouble when mama is in decline. See what kind of help you can organize for him.
You've got a couple of tough months ahead here where MIL is going to try every trick in the book to get her way. If DH is already on the thought path of "I'll just take her to her little town...." you don't know that he mightn't go rogue and try just that; like the little trailer he got OD?
You are patient in that you don't kick DH - he is NOW wringing his hands about how sad it is for MIL, but was fine letting you run yourself ragged for 15 years and for his sister to wear her self out on her visits and this final Illinois stay for MIL. NOW????? he sees how bad it is?
Good luck with the attorney today - tell DH time to take emotion out of it - deal with the facts and the hand that MIL has currently - and make the best choices to care for her.
I lose patience with the "I just want to die" nonsense. I'll listen quietly and change the topic, but once I got so tired of it I told my dad "fine - lets throw away all of your medicine, no more doctor appointments, and start planning for your funeral". Wow did he backpedal fast.
Keep us posted.
Dorker, do you think MIL will refuse to sign the POA forms? Narcissa's Last Stand?
DH never really did do much hands-on caregiving of MIL, did he? Too bad he never got to do a weekend stint of fulltime caregiving for his dear mama, isn't it?
Such a tragedy for MIL...sure. Sorry if I don't have that much sympathy. She's lived her life her way for too long already, thanks to the slave labor by you and then SIL. Many people don't even reach her age.
I'm also annoyed that she thinks she's too good for the facilities, and looks down on the "slumpers." Does she have any idea that there are people who look down on Medicaid recipients, which is what she will be before long?
Sadly, in rehabs and ALs and NHs, the major topics of conversation are aches and pains, the demise of civilization (as evidenced by the dress/behavior/music listening habits of grands or great grands) and of course, had bad the food is.
At my mom's IL, the state of the string beans could have been listed on the activity roster as a weekly event.