I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
This line from your post seems to speak to a different thought than the slumper.
“I do realize to some degree that the individual described above is still a person.”
My own personal belief is that every human from conception to death is a person. Everyone is entitled to their own belief on the subject.
Very much so.
That .. it hurts me . for those people ..
I always was careful, as most of us have been, to teach our kids .. and it's my sentiment also . just because someone is "different" doesn't make them any less a person . .and taught them to respect that, always.
I can recall a couple of times having hauled MIL to the grocery store (I did so more than a couple of times). But on one of those occasions a morbidly obese woman .. (this is after MIL lost any filtering ability), happened to be also shopping. MIL . and without really shsh'ing her voice .. said out loud, "Good LORD . and I bet her shopping cart is full of donuts and ice cream!". I had to shsh her. It was .. to me .. really offensive.
Yes the woman was obese .. she knows that, every time she looks in the mirror .. she doesn't need snide remarks from some old lady.
Another time, I'd taken her grocery shopping and some little old woman .. likely some bad osteoporosis .. and slumped badly on her cane .. so badly that she couldn't of been seeing anything but the ground in front of her as she crossed the street. MIL's remark, "Good GOD if I ever get like that I hope on of you will just shoot me".
Appearances . .are everything I suppose.
But I also remember she's from a generation that institutionalized those with Down's Syndrome .. and almost any other thing that made someone 'different'.
It's always been kind of an anomaly to me .. she who will proudly tell you of her days as the dean of ladies secretary .. for years . .in a local college here . and how all the kids there (college kids) so befriended her, . and that's because she was so very progressive in her thinking .. unlike most her age at that time. She, . .at that time .. not opposed to long hair on boys .. opposed to the Viet Nam War .. the whole Peace/Love/Dove ya'll. She was .. she'd tell you .. a part of all that, .. was going to send her son (EB) to Canada if he got drafted . .and not let him go.
All of this to proudly declare how very progressive she was/is . in her thinking.
Yet ... spend some time around her .. and you'd see the above come out .. maybe burned into her DNA at birth .. that disdain for anyone "different".
It hurts my heart . for those who are looked down upon simply because they have the misfortune of a wheelchair, .. or a chromosome disorder .. or .. the slumping of old age, .. that people like MIL . find them so abhorrent they don't want to be in their midst.
Some of it, I think .. it's generational. Some of it . simply someone who has the audacity to think they are somehow better than the next guy.
The high and mighty have father to fall, . and they usually do, so it's said.
Just as an aside .. DH had gone to visit his mom today . .and I learned that Medicaid Betty finally made an appearance to meet MIL.
Went about like this, at least some of the dialogue as reported by DH:
MIL: "Well this is all so awful, . it's just . it's all overwhelming and none of it anything I want, but it's all out of my control".
Betty: "You really are very fortunate . you have good loving kids that are concerned about your welfare and working very hard to see to that. I work with people who have no one to help them . no one at all .. . I call upon LO's of someone needing placement and am told they don't want anything to do with it .. just do what you want with them. You're very blessed to have good/loving kids who are doing their best for you".
YAY BETTY!
I don't know what MIL's reply to that was didn't ask.
Just seems like she's bound and determined to stay stuck in a pit of self imposed misery over all this. Won't venture out into the hallways and make
Make conversation with "those people". Won't .. look at the fact that .. for 15/16 years she was propped up and given the latitude to stay in her home with LOADS of support .. and show any gratitude for that .. and won't show any recognition for the fact .. no one can see to her needs .. that have increased substantially.
She's just bound and determined to stay in a self imposed misery over it all.
And that's not to say that I don't realize what a huge transition this is . and for someone 89 years old. This isn't a teen that is being told they're going to share a dorm with 3 others .. and so they just have to wing it . .and make the best of it. She's almost 90 yo . and having to adjust . and she is not .. "adjusting".
Maybe that will come, but I don't see it happening, at all.
With a bit of luck, she will soon be too tired to argue any more and past caring very much where she is as long as people leave her in peace.
Will the rehab place present a list of purgatory LTC facilities, and DH/SIL will choose one of them? It's a week from today that MIL will be discharged from rehab.
There is need for "Witness" .. and SW also is wanting to get on it, as to meeting, spending time with, .. accessing med records, .. with MIL. What better time to act as "Witness" to signatures needed, .. and kill two birds with one stone.
SIL asked if any of us need to be there, and was told .. no it's better that any of us "not" be there.
I agree.
Specifically as to SIL .. she tends to, being such an enabler, and admits as much .. take the lead and the floor and answer FOR HER mom (I know, a good atty wouldn't allow that, as to legalities and paperwork), .. but not only that, ... important the SW be able to interact with MIL .. and not have a mouthpiece in SIL who tries to do everything but breathe for her mom . including talking for her .. let her mom talk to the SW alone .. and get an accurate read . .and develop a relationship that is based on what MIL's concerns are, what MIL's capabilities are or aren't ..
We already have our "eye" on where we think it will be as to Purgatory (none of these places are optimal . and as has been pointed out here numerous times by folks who've walked this walk, none of them are going to be 100% a perfect fit . just have to pick the lesser of evils . and that about describes it as to where her Purgatory will be .. assuming beds are available at discharge from where she is presently).
I asked the SW at our meeting the other day, . ."What if beds aren't available, we don't have a plan B .. what do we need to do".
The answer given: "I work with these folks .. familiar with the administrators there, . the place you guys are talking about . it's about as good as any (had already expressed our misgivings as to the population and how that's gonna sit with MIL) .. and I'll be helping to coordinate it for you . and what you'll find .. mostly it won't be a problem but we'll be working that angle . and sometimes .. it can be a matter that a bed frees up maybe a day or two before what you thought would be discharge date, so you have to move on it, sooner than what you had anticipated .. or lose that spot .. but I'll be working that angle and keep you guys in the loop".
And CM's point that MIL could be in the population of the finest echolant she deems herself to be among .... she'd still be miserable and unhappy, that's the truth.
SIL and myself yesterday talking about it .. that she isn't gonna be happy . no matter where she is. She wasn't "Happy" sitting in her home, all alone (the very place she longs for and tries to convince all, she wants to go back to, just she and her little dog) .. she wasn't happy even there. Even if we could park her among the blue bloods and upper crust she thinks she's part of .. she still would hibernate in her room and not mix ..
And yes, I suspect before all is said and done, she too will exhibit that she's just too tired, .. and .. won't care where she is, or her precious "things/memories/house/dog", that she misses . and are so a part of her vernacular these days .. she will be so removed from that . and so tired . it won't matter where she is.
Interesting talking to DH who spent several hours there yesterday (and also of note . OD showed up there .. having been prompted by SIL .. this after MIL .. fretting/worrying .. "I haven't seen or heard from OD . does she even know any of this going on . .she hasn't called or come by at all). SIL reached out and prompted OD . who yes, had been informed by me, weeks back about all this . but hadn't reached out at all. SIL prompting OD to call or go by and while DH was there, OD showed up to visit her g'ma.
DH imparting that before OD showed up . but after Medicaid Betty had come and gone. MIL asked of him, . "Will you tell me what's going on .. I need to know .. I need to know where I'm going and what to expect, nobody is telling me anything, . just tell me what's going to happen .. I need to know"
<I think SIL has shared with her, thumb nail sketches of what to expect going forward . only scratching the surface . keeping it kinda above the weeds and details>
DH explaining to her that her next stop will be while she awaits Medicaid Approval . and she will land in what is a nursing home and that yes, there are going to be people there .. that she will find it troubling to be around (she really doesn't mix an mingle .. so . whatever) .. there are population there that are slumped over and mouths gaped open . and clearly they are diminished cognitively . that she will find that among the population there, but there are also folks there, like her .. that are able to ambulate . and she can hopefully find in that . maybe a friend, if she cares to .. and she will, while there, have opportunity for more OT/PT .. and .. she can utilize that, but that spot is temporary . pending Medicaid approval which takes . (he was wrong) .. a month or thereabout . (he was wrong, it could take as long as 90 days . maybe a month, but not likely that quickly .. but time to her . is irrelevant really).
Explained to her further . that once Medicaid is approved (he was wrong again, but whatever) . .that she will then be moved to an AL .. and we are looking at (he was wrong in the sense that we don't yet know . whether she will be assessed worthy of functionality to be AL or NH, but whatever, don't get lost in the weeds) .. explained to her that she'll then go to what will be an AL .. and that we've looked at two places . one of them FP . and the expectation there . is that she will dress daily and report to the dining room for meal times . and there is no prompt, no meals brought the rooms . the expectation there is that if you are not able to do that, then you need a higher level of care . and so that setting not suitable to meet your needs .. so .. we like it there, it's bright/airy/open . lots of open spaces .. the population there up and about and ambulatory mostly .. and like you .. able to converse . we like it there, but it's gonna be pressure filled . if you can't get up and dress daily and get to the meal times there . they are going to refer you on for a higher level of care that isn't AL but a NH .. and so .. I look at ya mom . and you're here in your pj's .. you have to dress daily .. and if you can't do that, that's not gonna be the place for you . and pj's are fine if that's all you can do .. but .. you need to start now . and demonstrate you can do that . . if that's something you think you'd like to be a part of.
MIL: "I'll do whatever I have to do", along with, .. "So I won't ever go to my home again", .. along with "I'm gonna miss my dog".
DH: No mom . you aren't going home .. it's not safe . .there is no one that can attend to the care you need .. and so you aren't going home .. but we all love you, we'll continue to be a part of your life wherever you go .. and come and get you for lunch out if you're able, or just visit .. we're not gonna abandon you .. just like we haven't done for the last 15 years that we've all worked together to keep you in your home and it's taken all of us to do that . but . we didn't abandon you then, and we won't now .. but it's gonna be tough . that's for sure ... we understand that . but you're tough . you can do this.
He went on from that to also explain the "We are Family" place .. that place ... she will be among population much like her Purgatory place .. some with cognitive impairment that has rendered them slumped over .. mouths gaping open . etc .. and that .. there are also folks there, like her .. ambulatory and able to converse .. that he likes it there, . it's very close to where we live . and that's a plus . but also .. you can tell just walking among the place, the staff are loved by the residents .. and likewise .. they are attentive . if you can't get dressed there, . they'll help you . they want you to get dressed .. but they will help you . .unlike Fancy Pants
Where they won't help you . this place, the "We are Family" place, they will help you .. the reason they have so many people there that are more compromised than the other place is that they don't refer them out when their needs increase .. they try to hang on to them and meet the need .. "they are like family there".
Well! - I like that. Arm in arm, eh, Dorker?
Was in bathroom brushing her teeth and fell ..
Not the time for .. "WTH .. you were no where to be found" but was right there on the tip of the tongue to be flung out . but restraint.
One foot in front of the other. Have you got something to take your mind off it until there's clear information?
Trying to return .. some balance of "normal" to my life in spite of all this up ended life that is ongoing.
SIL is on her way . to the ER ..
So much for the Atty and any SW meeting this morning. One foot in front of the other is right
<btw, speaking of normalcy . yesterday was about two of the 3 g'kids .. DD had to take boy twin for the first of speech therapy screening .. he's not talking on target . and so assessing that, so she gave me the 5 yo and the girl twin for the day .... we didn't go do anything really . .just hang out here, . they were brought to me at lunch time, . so we did that here, then soon after that was nap time for them, so this "normalcy" I speak of ... it's still there . but anything but normal these days>
Is it in terribly bad taste to start a book..?
My dad should have been in a nursing home years before a fall put him there permanently. He was very angry initially. But... he continue to weaken. The bed was a Medicaid bed and he had a room mate. I'll never forget one visit - he seemed pretty tired and toward the end of my visit (seeing and saying hi to the various people that came in and helped him - deliver lunch, toileting, medicine) - he looked at me and said "they are nice to me here and they take good care of me" but he also missed his home and his dog. It just is what it is - and sad, but you all will visit and be visitors and not exhausted caregivers.
Stepping out of it last year was hard for you and got you a ton of heat and resentment - but I think it was the right step. SIL and DH were forced to face reality. Especially SIL - had to almost fall into a hospital herself caring for her mom - before she acknowledged it was too much.
Keep us posted
DH's response: "I know .. and likely by today she's forgotten what I told her".
I'm glad .. he is "Seeing" it .. that she is
A. Not able to be home
B. Forgets she's been told this stuff .. i.e. .. impaired mentally
That makes me almost cry tears of joy .. it's been such a long journey just getting the two of them to sit up and take notice. Such a hard fought battle.
He asked me to share with his sister (he hasn't had time to do so) the talk he had with his mom yesterday .. and so in speaking with her this morning, her calling her to tell me of the latest, . that she's being carted to ER .. and please pass that on to DH .. and I told her of his talk with their mom and she said and I quote: "Boy she really is impaired mentally .. I've told her all the same things".
Tears of joy .. it's "seen", it's "acknowledged". Finally.
DH and SIL are going to have to remember this conversation going forward. It’s likely that they both hear different things from MIL about the other (he never told me that, she told me this). They will always have to verify instead of assuming MIL is being accurate. That will apply to caregivers, social workers, etc. as well. (They aren’t feeding me here, the staff laughs at me all the time... once we even heard they were partying all night long, every night;)
(Not saying bad things can’t happen in a facility, certainly, but DH and SIL will just always need to verify before sending up the flag.)
One quick thought in light of this morning’s fall... we got to the point where we didn’t share when things were going to happen (Dr Appt, visitors, weekend away for us, etc.) It was almost as though just knowing anything ahead of time sent their stress levels through the roof and something would ALWAYS happen. And I mean always.
It is so counterintuitive to do this. People are used to talking things out with their LO. But we found that, similar to the therapeutic lie, it ended up being kinder to just do whatever thing was going to happen with only about the minimal warning. (Basically, get them up and dressed as normal and THEN tell them, “Why don’t we get ready to get in the car now, Dr so and so will be happy to see you.)
I wish we would have figured that out sooner. I think it would have eased some of their stress if it had. We always put protecting their dignity so high up on the list of priorities that I think it sometimes blinded us to the reality that was their world.
I’m not saying that MIL fell on purpose, by the way. But, when the brain starts to break, I think the subconscious does weird things. I see it in others in my world that are experiencing that same type of decline, including my sibling. I wonder if others have experienced the same thing.
Just something to keep in mind going forward, if it helps. Again, it seems wrong, but in the long run, our own personal experience was that it was just kinder. They just couldn’t really “prep” for anything like you or I would anymore. (Even though they would say they wanted to,)
The conversation DH had with MIL (no one is telling me anything, I just want to know) could have happened in our house with my ILs. Again, almost verbatim.
Flashbacks, lol.
I think that's in part, why SIL doesn't get lost in the weeds trying to impart to her what are the goings on in it all, and more to the point, she doesn't remember even if you tell her.
I think with MIL .. the muscle memory maybe that maybe dictates .. as I would do . as most of us would do, "now explain to me what is about to transpire here,, so that I can understand it" . that part remains in tact, .. she has enough .. mental function that she desires to know .. but retaining that info, processing it .. another matter entirely.
And so . yes .. getting lost in the weeds of too much detail . kinda hopeless really to go there.
And that will get worse, as I've seen it do over the last couple of years with her.
For instance, ... the place, "We are all Family here".
MIL had a friend that at one time resided there, . her family having placed her there. In those days, MIL more mobile . and so she'd go to visit her there . .I know this for a fact ... not only that .. MIL has spent her entire adult life in this vicinity .. and anyone who has been in this area of town .. for that long .. knows ... like the back of their hand .. where this site is .. it's known . .we all live here .. and have for decades.
MIL can't place it .. DH mentions it .. the name of it should strike a chord with her, having visited a friend there several times years ago .. having spent her life in this vicinity of town . but it doesn't.
She can't place where it is ..
While DHs talk with MIL yesterday was not accurate he got through it.
You mention MILs loss of filters. Mom lost her filter long before she landed in a NH. Yes, going anywhere with her had me on pins and needles. I never knew what was going to come out of her mouth.
And he should be accompanying her on this next journey a lot more than he accompanied her when she still lived in her house. If she ends up at We Are Family that is just minutes away, let HIM be the one to do the daily (or however often) visits. Don't let him push those visits off on you.
(And if by remote chance she ends up at Fancy Pants, let HIM be the one to get all the calls that MIL won't/can't do this or that, that FP can't meet her needs, etc.)
If H and SIL are her health care proxies, then every time there is an issue, one of THEM will be called (and not you). Make sure they have H's cell number. And since H will be the local one, HE will be called most probably (and not out-of-state SIL).
If she can't brush her own teeth, how do they expect her to be dressed and at the breakfast/lunch/dinner table on time.
You're hopelessly painting a sinking ship, but doing what all of us would do--manfully moving on.
Once my grandmother knew she was not going to ever "go home" she gave up and said it was time to die. And she did. In a week or two. No drama, no fussing, no "me and my poor life"...just dignified and gracious to the end.
IF MIL would quit the constant, incessant selfish complaining, your attorney's bill would be half what it's gonna be. j/k....but she is a broken record that nobody wants/needs to hear.
So back in the hospital--for how long? And how much rehab will this one require? I really feel for SIL who has taken this on herself (as always).
I'm glad you all have such good support now from total outsiders!!!! MIL will fight with them less and fuss them less and they are trained to deal with the angry and recalcitrant seniors.
I do have to laugh at DH taking YOUR hard work as a "we" effort. When in fact he was berating you and shutting you down until the last couple of months--you couldn't HAUL his behind to help his mom.....but I get it. I buy all gifts and such for my DH's mother and he takes 100% of the "thanks". Has never once in 43 years said "Mom, B takes care of all the gift giving. Thank her".
Oh well.
Things are changing, this fall may move her down the line--who knows, but I am glad you are finding a new norm to embrace and enjoy.
Whatever. Just was noting earlier to myself as I travel about my day.
Thank goodness I had the good sense a year or so ago to step back (And the guidance here on AC) that in my stepping back, the huge elephant in the room lumbering about slowly - that no one wanted to talk about ... has awakened into a beast and stomping about making it's presence rather obvious now.
Had I not done so ... I have pondered if the flavor of the day would still be "she'll manage".
Came to mind as I ponder this morning for SIL ...not even showered and eaten breakfast yet when phone call comes in, her mom being carted to ER. Necessitating she grab a bite of whatever is handy, throw on her clothes and get to steppin.
Dawned on me she has a luxury I didn't... she can leave B in charge of Poochy.
Wasnt the case for me ... I had to be the one to dash out the door ... and go see about MIL ...mindful Poochy needs out .. go get Poochy . Cart him to my house ...dependent upon how long MIL would be out of commission and then hop on the treadmill of running back and forth to attend to MIL ... and to the house to attend to Poochy and back to the hospital and so it would go.
Have to ponder if there is any recognition of that by the boots on the ground presently.
Oh well... probably not and in the broad scheme of forward progress here .. doesn't matter one hill of beans at this point.
Whatever. Just was noting earlier to myself as I travel about my day.
Thank goodness I had the good sense a year or so ago to step back (And the guidance here on AC) that in my stepping back, the huge elephant in the room lumbering about slowly - that no one wanted to talk about ... has awakened into a beast and stomping about making it's presence rather obvious now.
Had I not done so ... I have pondered if the flavor of the day would still be "she'll manage".
Came to mind as I ponder this morning for SIL ...not even showered and eaten breakfast yet when phone call comes in, her mom being carted to ER. Necessitating she grab a bite of whatever is handy, throw on her clothes and get to steppin.
Dawned on me she has a luxury I didn't... she can leave B in charge of Poochy.
Wasnt the case for me ... I had to be the one to dash out the door ... and go see about MIL ...mindful Poochy needs out .. go get Poochy . Cart him to my house ...dependent upon how long MIL would be out of commission and then hop on the treadmill of running back and forth to attend to MIL ... and to the house to attend to Poochy and back to the hospital and so it would go.
Have to ponder if there is any recognition of that by the boots on the ground presently.
Oh well... probably not and in the broad scheme of forward progress here .. doesn't matter one hill of beans at this point.
Whatever. Just was noting earlier to myself as I travel about my day.
Thank goodness I had the good sense a year or so ago to step back (And the guidance here on AC) that in my stepping back, the huge elephant in the room lumbering about slowly - that no one wanted to talk about ... has awakened into a beast and stomping about making it's presence rather obvious now.
Had I not done so ... I have pondered if the flavor of the day would still be "she'll manage".
Came to mind as I ponder this morning for SIL ...not even showered and eaten breakfast yet when phone call comes in, her mom being carted to ER. Necessitating she grab a bite of whatever is handy, throw on her clothes and get to steppin.
Dawned on me she has a luxury I didn't... she can leave B in charge of Poochy.
Wasnt the case for me ... I had to be the one to dash out the door ... and go see about MIL ...mindful Poochy needs out .. go get Poochy . Cart him to my house ...dependent upon how long MIL would be out of commission and then hop on the treadmill of running back and forth to attend to MIL ... and to the house to attend to Poochy and back to the hospital and so it would go.
Have to ponder if there is any recognition of that by the boots on the ground presently.
Oh well... probably not and in the broad scheme of forward progress here .. doesn't matter one hill of beans at this point.
Whatever. Just was noting earlier to myself as I travel about my day.
Thank goodness I had the good sense a year or so ago to step back (And the guidance here on AC) that in my stepping back, the huge elephant in the room lumbering about slowly - that no one wanted to talk about ... has awakened into a beast and stomping about making it's presence rather obvious now.
Had I not done so ... I have pondered if the flavor of the day would still be "she'll manage".
Came to mind as I ponder this morning for SIL ...not even showered and eaten breakfast yet when phone call comes in, her mom being carted to ER. Necessitating she grab a bite of whatever is handy, throw on her clothes and get to steppin.
Dawned on me she has a luxury I didn't... she can leave B in charge of Poochy.
Wasnt the case for me ... I had to be the one to dash out the door ... and go see about MIL ...mindful Poochy needs out .. go get Poochy . Cart him to my house ...dependent upon how long MIL would be out of commission and then hop on the treadmill of running back and forth to attend to MIL ... and to the house to attend to Poochy and back to the hospital and so it would go.
Have to ponder if there is any recognition of that by the boots on the ground presently.
Oh well... probably not and in the broad scheme of forward progress here .. doesn't matter one hill of beans at this point.
I hope H realizes how much HE will be front and center on Team MIL once SIL goes back to IL with B. Every phone call re every fall, every issue will go to him.
As you know, my mother's now in a NH. I get a lot of calls from the NH (although they have slowed down as of late). Another week, another dilemma, I say! Since she's been in the NH, there have been numerous falls ("soft falls"), a fall and leg gash, periods of "agitation" which required increasing amounts of Seroquel and that I hire overnight sitters for 4 nights (it could have been family who stayed overnight, but I refused to do so, even with my hourly pay I now get -- the bill was over $1100 for an agency to provide the 8 p.m. - 8 a.m. sitters for four nights), a supposed multi-drug resistant bacteria episode, vaginal bleeding, somnolence and an "ashen" appearance, she pulled out her gallbladder drain and tube (it has not been reinserted, so another infection could occur), pneumonia, etc.
My mother's gallbladder infection in October led to hospitalization for 17 days and then rehab for 38 days and now LTC in a NH all snowballed and caused quite a decline. Five months ago she was living independently in her condo (with me as the Dummy Daughter Driver). And now she can't do any ADLs without assistance except for eating. She is considered cognitively impaired with dementia and no longer cognizant of her own safety.
Don't be surprised to see a similar decline in MIL. H needs to buckle up for a roller coaster!
This fall. Another instance proving that mil absolutely, completely, totally and irrevocably is unable to be left alone - in her house or in an Assisted Living facility that really does nothing to assist, i.e. Fancy Pants.
Should dh dh continue to vacillate between reality and unicorns - even sil, should she be haunted by small doubts - this fall, today - ought to cement things for them. One would think - hope.
In the case of MIL? Unfortunately, if I base it on my own experience - once MIL is through with the hospital, this fall will be minimalize, forgotten or ignored as to any proof she needs to be in a more supervised environment than her home. Alone with her little dog.
Buckle up, Dorker.
The pro is no one will have to stop their life and live with MIL.
This will all continue to be a situation for those involved just not a 24hr life.
Buckle Up.
But in the next few days, I called Hospice, he went home from the hospital and about a week later he had breakfast as usual, read the paper, watched a little TV and said he wanted to lie down. He never ever did that. Never napped. 24 hours later he was gone. I still don't know what to make of that.
Dorker, regarding recognition of what you did for 15 years... from my experience, nobody really understands this caregiving thing unless they have "been there". And some just really don't even want to know. Don't want to hear about it, don't want to "go there".
So maybe SIL does understand it to some degree.
DH - I don't think so. I have to admit that I had to read this sentence a few times over to make sure that I understood it correctly. You said (a few posts back):
Its like I pointed out to DH yesterday... him questioning is this the "right" thing to do and his words "am I doing this for selfish reasons .. just to convenience myself".
I can't think of a time in this whole story where DH was inconvenienced! I can't imagine that he has a concept of being inconvenienced in the future.
With the exception of SIL in IL for that relatively short stint, the only one in this story that has been "inconvenienced" (what a mild word!) is you. Thanks to your courage, it seems to be over.
Keep on...