I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
More later.
Very likely, her hip broke and then she fell. Not the other way around.
Hope comes through surgery okay! (Does it require a general anesthetic?)
go downhill fast - but I didn’t think it would be this fast.
Sorry to say, it’s been my experience that in cases of a broken hip - with someone as old and in an already compromised physical condition- that it’s only a matter of time - a short time.
Im sorry it has come down to this. Not that I expected a clean white cloud... but this... this is gonna be really awful for everyone involved. Especially, mil.
When FIL (similar in age and infirmities to MIL, more advanced dementia, but he didn’t have heart issues) fell and thought hip was broken, one of the options was opting for hospice/palliative instead of doing surgery, which can be very traumatic at that age. Not sure how all of that works because his hip was not broken. We ended up going hospice anyway because he basically went into a kind of coma over the next few days because of the shock and his age.
May or may not be relevant to your situation, but I thought I would throw it out there before they do the surgery. Hope everything works out for the best...
Gonna be hard for everyone.
I hope the cloud comes for her soon.
This turn of events will surely make her more miserable.
They did surgery on her but that broken hip was the beginning of the end, which didn't come until 3.5 years later. She had numerous TIAs and falls after that surgery. It was one hospitalization after another.
I loved her dearly, but looking back, knowing what I know now, I wish she had not made it through the surgery. She had nothing but 3.5 years of pain and misery.
Just how this next part goes, I’m sorry to say.
Or will it be said that she should have rehabbed at home?!
I hope H can put the workin'/churchin'/huntin'/orphan campin'/missionary lunchin' on hold for a while...
So begins the actual downhill spiral. DO NOT let DH and MIL fall into the shoulda -coulda-woulda way of thinking that if they'd had her home she would not have fallen. Barb is probably right-hip broke first, causing the fall.
I hope that whatever the outcome--you are all at peace.
Hope the hospital will be compassionate and listen to her kids.
So sorry to hear about your MIL Dorker!
They've been concerned . .she'd eaten a bit better when on the steroids . and off the antibiotic finally . but absent those two factors . she really hasn't eaten much . .since she got there, and is loosing weight. Last night, no different . .she didn't eat.
They got her up to weigh her . .as they do every AM . .and she said she felt a bit dizzy . but I don't guess she mentioned it (poor judgement).. and so in a bit . .she knew the SW and Atty were coming, she'd been told they'd be coming. So she got up . and didn't feel well, . somewhat a bit nausea .. and lightheaded . but thought she'd power through.
Went to the bathroom to wash her face, brush her teeth ..
And down she went. (poor judgement, cognitive impairment that is worsening . and likely will worsen more behind this hip surgery and anesthesia would be my guess).
I had gone to see/visit my dad so didn't' head up to the hospital until late afternoon. And got side tracked to go by the Rehab (SIL's request) . and gather MIL's things . .as she'll be vacating that for a bit.
Also .. MIL found to be dehydrated upon her arrival there at ER .. and so IV fluids pumped into her ..
I don't guess a Rehab stays after such things .. particularly when no one has been told there is cognitive impairment that I have shouted from every corner . .that hasn't been addressed. But anyway.
So .. she will have surgery tomorrow . had already been given her dose of Eliquis for the day and so they thought . the bleed risk . let's put it off til tomorrow.
When I went to gather her things .. one of the CNA's there helped me . and this is what I was told: "I tell Ms. _________all the time, don't get out of bed without us here to assist . but she doesn't listen".
I just pointed to my head . and said .. "she has a bad memory" and kept working .. doesn't matter at this point. Damage done.
All the time she's been in Rehab . the instructions were (but nobody followed them . nor was there follow through, or bed alarm) . ."don't get out of bed unassisted".
But .. didn't seem to be anyone checking on that .. and so .. I don't know why they bothered saying it, there was no follow-thru to make sure she wasn't doing so.
And this was supposedly one of the "best" Rehabs in town.
Likely she won't be going back to that one .. which of course, is okay by me . she will need now, an ortho of a Rehab . for whatever that's worth at this point.
Pleased I was able to get SIL to GO HOME.
She was .. hanging in the balance, "Should I stay here o'nite, I'm so so tired .. I just cannot get a break here .. I just can't .. it's one damn thing after another, .. I finally got to the doc and got an rx . and am trying to get well . they told me to go home and rest .. HA .. fat chance of that, . should I stay here .. I feel bad leaving her".
Me: Do what you want, but you need to learn the word "NO", and use it .. No I am not going to stay the night, I'm tired, I'm sick . and I need to rest, and do it".
She did.
DH stayed behind for several hours .. I left ..
Hip surgery ..
Then to Rehab
Got Pnumonia ..
Back to hospital
Then . fixed up and back to Rehab
Where she got a blood clot/stroke .. and gone.
Nothing would surprise me at this point.
And .. she's been .. as far as I'm concerned, looking for a broken hip for a long long time .. her balance/mobility is so so so poor . and now her cognitive/judgement issues . she has no ability anymore to decide .. "gee, I don't feel quite right . maybe I better tell someone and stay my butt right here in the bed".
I hate to be blunt, but you might want to suggest that since MIL would like to go home on the cloud, having a DNR(do not resusitate) order on her at the hospital might help her. If she were to stop breathing during surgery or recovery, she could lift off to the cloud painlessly.
The 5 wishes might still be helpful if the advance directive can't be executed. I bet there's a way to get one at the hospital for her- my mil was required to have one before her surgery and it was at the visitor's desk. The volunteers witnessed. I would hate for her to be on a ventilator and intubated when she really wants to float away.