I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Assisted Living Facilities that don’t assist and Rehabilitation Facilities that don’t seem to recognize the need for basic hydration in their patients in order for them to rehabilitate.
At the very, very least - knowing that MIL wasn’t eating - one would think it basic math to check to see if she was becoming dehydrated. Good God!
My mother was in an old, kinda run down rehab her last - and final rehab stint. Three weeks a.k.a. Medicare paid. But I tell you what - they were forever tweaking the
skin on the back of her hands looking for that good ole’ hydrated bounce-back. As well, my mom was alarmed in the bed, alarmed in the wheelchair and God’s Truth - for a few days they even alarmed her sitting on the toilet if they needed to let her have a few minutes and some privacy to be...err...productive.
But, yeah. Neither here nor there at this point.
Looking for a bright point... it must mean something positive that they are willing to do surgery - at all. Even with broken hips, elders in rough shape can be refused surgery - ever. So - that’s gotta mean something good, right?
Id say a prayer for you and your family - except I’m still not really on
speaking terms with The Old Guy. So, instead I’m gonna send out lots of positive thoughts and hopes into the universe.
That’s about as good as it gets from me, for now.
Don't mistake me: in principle I am in favour of making such decisions regardless of the patient's age. But they do also need to be made strictly in the individual patient's best interests taking all factors into account and with an eye to likely quality of outcome - are you satisfied that this has been done?
And one very basic question: who signed the consent form?
I'm sure we'll all be on pins and needles today until we find out that MIL's surgery went well. And, of course, even if the surgery itself went well, there is all the aftermath that is going to be difficult on everyone.
Take care of yourself, Dorker.
Just about the only thing that could happen to make this worse would be if B's sister was near death or had died. And then what? Maybe you would be the one to accompany him to St. Louis for the funeral?
God forbid, I mean. But.
While he's been estranged for a number of years now (9 or 10?), this IS his mother. It's known where he lives (and presumably his phone number). I think the whereabouts of at least one of EB's sons is also known.
Yes, EB might decide not to respond to any message or phone call about his mother. But to not tell him at all?
Just got a call from SIL and they are taking her to pre-op right now. None of us there. Had been slated for early afternoon . whatever that means .. but ... I guess they had a cancellation and so stuck MIL in that slot and off she's been whisked, to pre-op and .. none of us there.
SIL is . as her life is these days .. now choking down a bite of something and dashing out the door to try to see her before the surgery if possible.
I told her I'd planned to see her before surgery but won't now . .as I have some things I needed to handle this morning . w/our biz .. so I won't be there til likely after her surgery is over.
Same with DH . he'd slotted his day to be there about noon . and now this .. so he won't be there either, til after the surgery.
Oh well .. such is life these days.
And as for whether anyone has questioned if she's a viable candidate for all this. Sounds like SIL did yesterday .. at whatever verbiage she might've used .. not sure. But I asked her .. and her answer was that she was told by the surgeon . it has to be done . otherwise she's bed bound . .and then you're talking about pneumonia and blood clots .. and so . it has to be done.
I didn't say it (doesn't matter . if it has to be done, then that's just the risk that'll have to be taken) .. those are the same risks that she faces post surgery .. at least to my knowledge .. at her age and state of being . and pretty steep for her age and condition.
A lot of times, .. a hip surgery/replacement (won't know if it needs replacement til they get in there) .. this is all the death knell, .. the beginning of the end .. for someone in her condition. Aware of that.
I guess .. it was asked in some way/shape/form and that was the answer.
DH asking me late last night .. "does she have to have this? She's too old and too frail . won't the hip bone just heal on it's own .. can't we just not subject her to this".
The only answer I could give, "if that's a concern of yours . then talk to them about it, call them first thing in the AM and let them know your concerns . but I know that SIL said she talked to them and they said it has to be done .. otherwise . she's bedbound and then at risk for pneumonia and for blood clots .. incidentally .. the same very real risks she faces after surgery . but no .. I don't think . but what do I know .. I don't think a hip bone heals on it's own . not in old old people".
I guess my answer (my lay person . not a medical person at all) sufficed. He hadn't seen fit to try to reach out to any MD's this morning.
As to whether anyone has reached out to EB. No.
The last time that I talked to him . almost 10 years ago . and I was the last one to speak to him . he would at least answer the phone when I called, .. at that point anyway . where he wouldn't when either of them called ..
His answer to me on all this was "Ya'll just all consider me dead". I questioned ... "But what did WE do to you ..??.... I get it your mad with your mom . well I don't . but okay you're mad at your mom but what did we do . .none of us have done anything to you".
His answer to me: "Collateral damage .. consider yourselves collateral damage .. to have anything to do with you guys is to also then be a part of her life, and I want nothing more to do with the "C" word".
(ouch)
That's the last anyone has spoken to him. Any attempts (I didn't try anymore) to reach out to him beyond that point . went unanswered. Others have tried (I haven't) .. SIL, MIL .. two different cousins . all .. it goes unanswered, letters, calls, .. etc .. nothingness .. it's like you're reaching into an abyss to try to reach him.
When he said, "consider me dead" . he meant it.
God! - I wish I knew what to pray for. May whatever is best for MIL be what happens.
Actually all of the documents (14 pages of a check list given to SIL by atty office, as to docs they needed) . they are all, presently . in the possession of atty for scanning.
We'd asked of them in the meeting on Monday when we might expect those would be returned to us and were told probably Wed or Thurs .. and so . they have "all" of her docs .. for scanning, at present.
That too, SIL touched on there, yesterday, upon arrival and dx of broken hip/surgery.
I guess SIL made them aware we are in the beginning stages of getting some of that all set up and changed .. and they did ask MIL . .does she wish to be resuscitated .. her answer was no. They asked her if she wished to be kept alive by artificial means or whatever and she told them no .. and .. I guess whatever ground was covered on that topic . in that setting, ... I guess it sufficed.
Just seems like how life goes these days . can't button down the 4 existing problems for the 7 others that crop up in front of it.
Of course, I imagine the horror stories you hear of . where the person never really comes back mentally from having been under anesthesia . and so .. getting them to even understand what a POA is .. much less sign it .. is hopeless .. and .. so now what.
But ya know . . one foot in front of the other, is about all you can do when things just keep upending further and further ..
He was citing a woman we know .. an elderly from our church .. I think the woman is like 94 years old. She fell several months ago, broke her hip . and .. of course hospital, rehab, etc etc, then home rehabbing.
She has done absolutely stupendously astoundingly well ..
In fact, released from PT at home . .she'd done so well . she's a frail little whisper of a thing .. not big as a minute as they say.
So DH citing that specific case ... I guess in the hope (delusion perhaps) his mom too can sail right through this.
My response to him: "you have to remember DH, .. R .. she is yes frail and a little tiny petite thing that the wind would blow her over . but .. she's also someone who doesn't even . didn't before this . .need a cane .. much less a walker, .. she doesn't have balance issues. In truth .. I can't even imagine how rehabbing this is gonna go for your mom . .she struggles to stay upright even on a walker .. I'm not a PT or doc .. so I don't know .. I guess they all know better .. for sure . but "R" is a completely different deal .. ".
Don't delude yourself that your mom can just sail right on thru this. She also . in my experience, "R" .. has no cognitive issues .. bright as a bulb if you talk to her.
Why are YOU obligated by your husband to take care of HIS mother? What do you do for your mother-in-law? Does HE do any caregiving for HIS mother? I HOPE SO!
His wife is in a nursing home with advanced Alzs. He visits every day.
DIL and I both were shocked he would be a candidate for hip replacement surgery. But he was.
He survived the surgery and doing well last I heard.
I am assuming MIL was in on the decision to go ahead with surgery?
It will end very badly .. trust me.
But she survived the surgery, rehabbed rather successfully and learned to walk with a walker again. I remember thinking, when she arrived at the NH for rehab that most folks who enter a NH die within 6 months, or somesuch. She lived for another 4 1/2 years.
Its an an interesting phenomenon to ponder if one was so incline. Result of the internet age? Dorkers amazing ability to make us care through her written word? Who knows?
But if the thoughts and “energy”
of dozens of somewhat anonymous strangers can amount to anything - out there in the universe- then certainly some meaningful amount of grace will shine down upon this tragic situation.
What would MIL say - if she knew?
My mother broke her hip at age 98. She was already suffering with spinal stenosis, osteoporosis, and arthritis. But we were told the same as others here -- without it she would be bed-bound and subject to blood clots, pneumonia, etc. Mom recovered well from full hip surgery, was able to participate in therapy to a limited degree, and lived another year and a half. Mom, though, loved her life, and if anything was trying to avoid "The Cloud" as long as she could. :)
MIL has repeatedly talked of the cloud coming to get her. Her family is ready for her to go. She is frail, angry, miserable and general burden to everyone.
Yet---we're all praying for her to do well? Come back better than ever? I'm not down on ANYONE who is praying for recovery--but she will NOT recover to the miserable point she was in 24 hours ago.
How quickly our thoughts and actions change. This is the point where we let go and let God. And accept the outcome with grace and dignity.
MIL may come through this surgery--it is one that she probably wouldn't have qualified for, but with a broken hip, there is no choice. She won't heal w/o surgery and even after--well, she very likely will be in a wheelchair for a VERY long time, if she lives through the surgery and rehab and such.
I do hope SIL made it in time to see MIL pre-surgery. If not, well, MIL certainly knows in her heart, if not in her head, that she had the best possible care she could have had.
And as far as her getting up unassisted--this rehab place just never wrapped their brains around the fact that MIL NEVER got the message to call someone to help her. Don't blame them. She was the epitome of a non-compliant patient.
I do hope that whatever happens today and in the future weeks, you find peace and calm. Your DH is going to be upset beyond belief--just plan for the worst, hope for the best and then go forward. Having been at 6 (yes SIX) 'deathbeds' with my DH, I have become pretty calm about how it will be when he finally does go. You get exhausted waiting, caring, worrying, second guessing----it's a horrible way to live for weeks on end.
I hope I am not coming across as thoughtless or cruel, I just know there are way worse things than death, if that is the outcome. Dorker, you know this, b/c you have lived and breathed this for years.
I'd pray that IF it's the right thing for her to make it through this, she can rehab and maybe find some joy in life. If not, I pray for the family who have turned their lives into FT caregiving to MIL. She was truly blessed, whether she knew it or not.
{{Hugs}}
Dorker, whatever happens, I do hope that MIL comes out of this with a fresh understanding that the family has been doing all they can in her best interests. This is definately going to put a kink in everyones previous plans, which are now up in the air going forward. Who knows, maybe this is all part of a bigger plan "to be revealed" at a later time. I pray that everything goes well post surgery, and that things fall into place here after.
Another thought, MIL is such a poor communicator, I'm wondering if she was having pain in her hip before, and this is why she did not want to participate in the Rehab exercises the day before. IDK, guess I'm grasping at straws after the fact, and nothing can be done about it now. Have to say, not impressed with the Rehab place though, not that they caused this to happen, but you would think that they would have been more on top of her eating and drinking. This is just so sad, and I'm so sorry for you guys.
In my case - I’d just hate to see it end this way. Abruptly and with so many recently exposed raw nerve endings - for sil and dh.
But, in truth - death rarely comes on our terms and in the manner and time of our choosing.
I knew my Mother was dying, she was in the Hospice hospital after all, and I prayed that God take her swiftly and serenely, and to not drag it out any longer than was humane. Poor Love was in an incredible amount of pain and she was more than ready to give up on her body that had disappointed her so. When it finally happened and as Sad as it was to lose her, it was a relief, she was finally at peace and all 6 of us felt the exact same way, sometimes there is nothing more you can do but to wish it be over for them. Why does life have to be so torturous for those who do not deserve such a fate, I'll never understand it.
”There's no rhyme or reason to this life. It's days like today scattered among the rest.”
~ Marcus, film John Wick
BUT WHOA ................ the disorientation (to be expected). But just wow.
She kept asking .. even though assured repeatedly .. "is my leg going to be okay .. will I ever be able to walk again".
She was so out of it .. so much so that it was almost worrisome that she was that far gone .. hoping things normalize (well, .. back to her normal at least).
By the time I left this afternoon late .. she was beginning to lift out of the foggy brain. Thankfully.
And speaking of Boundaries learned.
I am patting myself on the back, truly am.
No one has asked me . .but I sure haven't stepped up either, and thrown my hat into the ring.
SIL laments A LOT (she got there bright-thirty this AM . when they called and said they were taking her now for surgery . .was supposed to have been an afternoon surgery but it got bumped up . in lieu of someone else who got cancelled). SIL had flown out the door . yet again .. to head to the hospital, so she'd been there all day.
DH . had planned to go .. later .. for the "SCHEDULED" afternoon surgery . but of course, see above, that got upended. He didn't come until afternoon.
I got up there about lunch time, about the time she was being wheeled back into her hospital room from recovery.
SIL on the phone .. out of the room a lot . working the angle as to the case manager .. and trying . if it can be possible .. can we land her, for Rehab . .at where she can also transition into Medicaid Pending . and not have to move. So her working that angle, on the phone with two different sites and their administrators . and on the phone with the case manager, and Medicaid Betty ..
And so I stayed in the room. MIL needed her hospital gown pulled back up off of her shoulders, . I did it. She needed some crushed ice spoon fed to her, I did it. She needed her blankets re-adjusted .. I did it. She was beginning to feel uncomfortable, (pain) .. I notified the nurse (who had asked we do so, as she'd only had Tylenol on board). Just various things helping MIL with and allowing SIL the latitude to step out of the room and work the phones.
MIL asking .. "I'm gonna need to get up to go to the bathroom I feel sure". Asking this repeatedly . . and my reminding her, . REPEATEDLY . "No .. you have a catheter remember? .. they don't want you out of bed right now, they'll come get you up later, but not right now". MIL asking repeatedly .. "Can I Just get up . and go sit in that chair .. I don't want to just lay here . I feel so useless". Reminding her REPEATEDLY ........... "No, they don't want you to get up right now". MIL asking repeatedly .. "Why do I feel so confused . I can't even keep a train of thought". Reminding her REPEATEDLY . "you just had surgery, remember, ..??... you broke your hip .. no you can't get up right now".
SIL in and out of the room .. working the phone a lot.
So . in the afternoon about the time DH showed up . SIL announces she's going to go home and cook some dinner, spend some time with B.. and then begins to ponder . should she come back . should she spend the night .. etc. This gets bandied about, . she asks of DH . but also answering her own question at the same time, .. "But you have to work tomorrow" .... inquiring if he's gonna stay the night ..
Over and over this goes on.
I stood up and said my g'byes . and left.
Nobody asked me to stay the night . but there was a time . when no one asked me to do anything . but I volunteered . and got myself into the pickle I ultimately ended up in.
I am patting myself on the back for the boundaries learned. It's not even a consideration on my part.
SIL, you're worried she shouldn't be left alone o'nite .. then . work it out with your brother, or you stay and find a way to "sit" with her being alone .. I'm not throwing my hand up to volunteer to do it.
Far as I'm concerned, she is on a bed alarm . she is now more oriented than what was seen most of the day with her . and so . if she needs someone to sit with her o'nite . then . that's a matter needing discussion with med staff .. as to it's necessity. Outside of that, not throwing my hand up to volunteer.
And .. better yet . who better to own it .. as to what's needed than her son and her daughter both. Not me.
Asking of SIL .. as she lamented the whole thing, whether to stay or not, "Why? What is it you think is gonna happen .. what do you think you're staying here is gonna achieve, other than to further wear you out".
Her answer: "Well . .she might try to get out of bed".
Me: "She has a bed alarm . she won't try long . the pain she'll feel will negate any attempt to get out of bed".
Her: She might get lonely
Me: "She's not going to have that going forward SIL . someone to sit with her . day in and day out .. we live here . yes . but we aren't going to be there all day everyday . .and into the night ..
Her: You're right, I'm my own worst enemy
Me dropping it at that point.
Ultimately she did leave, to go home and find a "normal" for a minute!
To take a shower, . .wash some clothes .. cook some dinner, .. etc.
Called DH to ask if he thinks she needs to come back to spend the night and no, he doens't think that's necessary. He is still there . said he'd likely stay til 9'ish . and then leave. But that she's more oriented now . and .. not trying to think she needs to get up and go to the bathroom . .and get up because she's *useless*.
So .. SIL is not returning for the night, but she's also very on edge about that ..
But that still doesn't make me want to put on that hat, and take that off of her, and run on down there, to sit for the night.