I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
MIL's putting on the drama for anyone who will listen, eh?
I wonder how the drama demo worked for SW Jessica and the attorney?
Actually, I think you've got the opposite problem. You seem to feel what people feel too closely. Otherwise it would be a lot easier for you to pat MIL kindly on the head, say there-there, then go home and forget all about it.
90 year old self-contained lifelong depressives are not going to be joining in with the happy-clappies in the NH. That's okay. It is okay for MIL not to be okay.
My grandmother stopped eating when she was admitted (she was certainly rational. Also a paid-up member of the Voluntary Euthanasia Society). I wouldn't want to call MIL's bluff when it comes to whether she really wants to end it all.
While I feel sorry for MIL - part of me wants to say "put on your big-girl panties and deal!!!" she reminds me of my aunt C - who wanted to always be the center of attention - so sad, so much to be sad about, and have everyone pitty her. She just enjoyed it. The sniffling into hankies, people patting her hand, quiet hushed tones, people tip toe around.
Her sister, J, had much more loss in her life but was one of the most cheerful, generous, and brave people I knew. She had arthritis so severe that she was hunched over and crippled but had a sharp mind. In the nursing home, her wheel chair as in the hallway and she greeted people going by, and prayed her rosary "I can still pray!" and often chatted with little children who came to visit an elder. Kids really liked her and didn't find her frightening. As she developed dementia and became lost in dementia - she kept working the rosary beads.
The pitty party sister C lived in a posh AL and then private nursing home, daughters fussing around, but always so sad, so sad........
It is attitude - but your MIL chooses the pitty party. She's likely not to change. These kinds drive me wild with impatience. Now you know what a heart hearted B - I am!!
We ended up choosing a posh place that supports people at all levels of dementia, until they need memory care for safety. Mom has moderate dementia, no short term memory, There are people who are sharper mentally, and those that are further along the dementia path. It is a good fit for her. We are very fortunate that Mom could self-pay. I hope you can find something suitable for your MIL
We'd indicated to her, that this specific case .. she is struggling .. MIGHTILY .. and may never get it .. that this is what has to occur. Saying to the SW .. that she's been in denial all her life about aging .. SIL joking .. "My dad had to go out and buy her a sports car for her 40th bday she was so depressed!". Expressing to the SW . .that it's not something she is taking laying down.
The SW said she can help . or try to .. that she's seen that before.
I asked her myself .. "So ... do they adjust eventually .. does it happen .. ???".
SW: "Some do .. some never do .. ".
Me: "Would you be able to put a percentage on it . how many actually do acclimate and adjust".
SW (with an iffy kinda face): "Truly .. it's about 50/50 to be honest with you.
We'd already expressed to the SW that she is someone who finds the "others" are "old people" and doesn't want to engage with "those old people". She is in denial . that she is one of them .. always has been.
SW: "Honestly .. whatever they've been all their lives . they will be in that setting .. if they were social and engaging with others . eventually they'll get over their little temper tantrum and engage and be part of things. If not .. if they were a loner all their lives .. that's usually what you'll see .. people don't generally change their character to suit the setting . not at that age".
I honestly didn't know how to even speak to that.
She has NOT NOT NOT been social .. for the last umpteen years .. in spite of our having tried to encourage it strongly. SHE HAS NOT!
Prior to that .. I was even trying to place it in my mind . .when did she STOP socializing . and I can't . not really.
I know when she and her husband were married, . .there were a few couples they'd socialize with occasionally .. not every weekend, not every day .. but on occasion. That was about the extent of socializing that I knew of them. I know in the years before I really was part of the scene .. she had her few g'friends and they'd pal around . do tennis . do lunches .. shopping . that kinda thing. But that's before I was around a lot.
So . then .. her husband died .. and .. ultimately . those couples they used to do things with . they too grew old . some portions thereof . dying off. So that went by the wayside.
Did she form new friendships beyond that? I guess kinda .. sorta.
She used to gather with a little ladies group .. weekly .. for bible study of sorts. And they'd do lunches out . and/or .. swap whose house they'd meet at. That was once weekly ..
But .. that too went by the wayside . as it got to be a matter that she never knew from one day to the next, if she was gonna wake up and be under the weather and not able to be participatory . and so she ultimately sent all them packing . just telling them to go on without her .. that she doesn't seem to be able to partake of their get togethers on any kind of consistent basis (and that was true).
I think they did continue to try to drop in on occasion . hoping to pull her back into their group . but it failed . and so they've long since gone on their way . that was years back.
Since then, there has been ZERO as to socializing .. until we got church lady to go by in the last year or so. That was it . as to anyone socializing . other than us . (me, DH and our daughters).
So on the one hand it makes sense what the SW said . if they were loners all their lives . don't expect them to become a social butterly .. or likewise.
But .. what was she? She certainly wasn't out every night for cocktails with the ladies club .. never was that social of a person. But she also DID used to . in her years past . socialize some.
But .. it was hard for me to peg just where she falls on that spectrum.
For some reason . if a staff member comes by . she will chat them up .. and to the point you can see the staff person needs to get on with whatever they have to do .. and her chatty Kathy .. just talking away .. she will talk to them .. socialize with them . .the nurses, the PT .. the dietary folks .. etc etc.
But ask her to go out into the hallway (before her broken hip . when she was able to out into the hallway) .. and go see some of the other residents ambling about, go talk to them. You'd hear .. "No . I don't want to go talk to *those people* . those are *old people*".
How very age-ist of you!
But yet .. you scratch your head when you watch a dietary team member come by and her ask .. "so where are you from . you seem to have an accent". The person will answer, "Well actually I'm from south Africa". And then it's on . the two of them chatting it up .. to the point the person is getting antsy needing to get back to what they were doing. But can't escape the clutches of this old lady that wants to talk/talk/talk.
It's odd.
It is what it is with MIL and her emotional state going forward. You all can make her new residence homey, visit her and all. But she can choose her attitude like she chooses her clothes.
I remember how we all laughed so hard when she started stating how much she has always prided herself on being an "independent woman." OMG - she was the total opposite, as we saw it! Always so dependent on our dad, and then us, to do everything for her! She couldn't even change a battery, or plug in a lamp!
Yeah, she squawked about being "different" from the others - called them the "old, old". (thought of herself as the "young-thinking old".) She would never choose to participate in any of the activities where she lived. (earlier - an Independent Living community for a while) But at the NH and family place, they did try to draw them out. About their only success was at enforced meals in the dining room. Hard to sit right there with others and not talk a little... So, Mom did start to establish a certain camaraderie with a few, chit-chatting away at meals, started to know some names and stories. There were a lot there, though, that meal times were their only social times, but it was enough really. Back mom would go to her room, her chair, her tv, her newspaper... but it was enough. Probably all she could really handle anyway.
When the supreme pity-party stuff would start, I did kind of tell her off in a way - by saying she was one of the few that WAS able to be independent as long as she had!
"Hey lady - you did a great job! Lots of your friends didn't stay "independent" as long as you have! Heck, many of them are long gone. You should be proud of yourself every day for getting this far! And - you were always surrounded by a loving family and still are. Wow - you have been special and blessed compared to so many others. What a great job you've done!"
haha - a little reverse psychology, maybe, cause it's hard to argue with praise. Might even make them think a little. I simply refused to indulge in the pity party.
"Yea but look how long you got to be independent ... not like some others ... you worked HARD at it ..and got to be in your home well past when others had to have help... good for you ... you should be proud of that!"
I like it.
SIL Actually sat and chatted with her some. Encouraged MIL to meander out and talk to her. No deal. Not doing it.
One day ... that same old lady sauntering down the hall beckoning out loud "I want somebody to talk to, is there anybody that wants to talk". MIL heard this and responded "I'll talk to you".
So the woman did come in and sit down. MIL confirms what SIL found in the old lady, she is out of her mind with Dementia.
So much so that the woman swears she knows SIL from somewhere. SIL has never seen this lady before.
But Anyway... that time MIL did talk with an 'old person.
Well mom, not seeing well (but still convinced she could see okay to drive) pulled into the wrong lane into oncoming traffic, where a line of cars formed, honking at her to move. She started honking despite my protests and said, "What are these idiots doing? Get out of the way!" I had to wait for a word in edgewise to tell her that she was in the wrong lane and holding up traffic. She finally got over, but I still don't think she fully believed that she was the one in the way. I was just thankful to make it home in one piece!
Kinda like anorexia but instead of thinking that you’re fat - you think that you are still young...
I’ll be relating some incident to dh -
Me: “blah, blah, and this old lady from our neighborhood, blah, blah...”
dh: “Was it Mrs. X?”
Me: “No. This lady was old - I don’t know - maybe 50”.
Ummm... I’m 57
Sigh
It just seems very hard for some of us to see ourselves realistically as we age.
I'm getting older. The world looks pretty much the same, as I "look out" through my same old eyes. But if I catch a view of the self-check camera screen at the grocery store, I'm pretty horrified!
DH and I had gone to a concert. Well known international recording artist, mostly from the 70's era.
Got to our seats as the venue began to fill with other concert goers, I noticed ... *gee sure are a lotta people coming in here that look too old to be coming to a concert, gray hair, etc*.
So much so I even leaned in and whispered to DH "Damn...lotta old folks here ... everybody's got gray hair here".
His response as he turned and looked at me: "have you looked in the mirror lately?!?!".
Point being ... population there, all middle agers or better. We're one of em!
Shock!
If you want to feel really old/unbearably hip at the same time, go see a Bob Dylan concert. I went with DH last year to a great venue--and OMGosh------loudest concert I have ever been to! After the warmup act there was a mass fiddling of hearing aids when ol' Bob comes out and turns it up to 11! By no means were we the youngest nor oldest people there--it was just such a surreal concert. I'd never pain that kind of coin to see him again, it was a "bucket list" kind of thing.
BTW, he wore sweatpants from Costco, probably 'cause they're comfy.
The Rolling Stones are touring presently and as you said Bucket List. Expensive!
But we are going. There will probably be lots of us 'over the hill gang' there.
As smart azz DD puts it
"The Wheelchair Tour brought to you by Geritol and Denturecream".
Or as YD puts it:
"Keith Richards!!!! Somebody needs to tell him he died .. he looks like he died and nobody told him".
Gotta love those young whipper snappers. (Not)
That said Saturday Night Live said about him sometime ago when the world is over there will only be left cockroaches and Keith Richards. I almost imagine that might make him laugh.
as far as your MIL ever returning to "baseline" meaning, how she was when she returned from IL in the bloom of health (sorry for the snark)....it's not going to happen.
You saw how much she tanked immediately upon arriving home--and that had nothing to do with anything but getting old. It's happening to all of us.
Is SIL ever going to go home again, or is she going to twirl plates and run the hamster wheel until MIL is no longer with us? I know there's still a lot to do to get MIL placed and somewhat acclimated, but honestly? as long as SIL is in the picture on a daily basis, her mom will NEVER get "better" and may require a higher level of care than she actually does, simply b/c the staff will (rightly) assume that SIL will be there daily doing a lot of THEIR jobs. MIL has to learn to accept the care that the staff provides, as nobody can keep up the 24/7 care she WANTS....
I can see SIL still there when hurricane season starts, which isn't that far off.
It isn't lost on ANYBODY that the health of ALL adults involved has been compromised since MIL's level of care has ramped up. Only B is OK, and honestly, with the meds he has to take to stay level, he probably is unaware of a lot of the minutiae.
With MIL recovering from the hip break, this is the time for SIL and DH to get all the paperwork done, plan for the future and get all the moving pieces in place. I hope they do in fact take advantage of this "quiet time". MIL is STUCK and that is good. They're just going to have to take a concerted plan of how to talk to MIL and be on the same page 100% going forth. (I have a brother who is SO Dr. no-shot he will NOT take a stand on anything....drives me insane.)
Yep, it's sad that MIL is now one of the people she so despised: old. She can choose to have some dignity or she can choose to age angrily--but the end result, she's not getting younger. But on the plus side, she doesn't seem to be aware of it, so that's 'good'--she can age without realizing it, I guess.
Hope your hacking cough is over soon--gosh, I hope everybody gets well. This has been a phenomenally bad winter for you all!!
I think this is due to some doc appts on their behalves.
The other day, .. a PT individual, when asked, "so if you had to guess, how long do you think she'll be here in Rehab?". The answer given was "maybe 4 weeks".
So .. we're talking into the mid of April before she gets outta there, if all goes as planned, I suppose.
Then there is Purgatory .. she'll go into wherever her Purgatory is .. for 30/60/90 days whatever that takes, to get the Medicaid approval.
And so .. you're talking .. it could feasibly be into July or thereabout before her final destination is achieved.
Does SIL intend to stay and see all that through . all while spinning plates and running hamster wheels? I don't think so ..
I do know that at present, .. now that she has her back into POSH .. it seems like she goes to "visit" .. and amazingly . that's all it is .. a "visit". She stays maybe a couple of hours (as opposed to all day and all night) . and then she leaves.
She said so herself, today . when DH and I went there to visit briefly .. she was there (had picked her mom up a burger from a favorite place her mom likes). She had lunch with her, grilled hamburger. And visited .. but .. staff came in .. talking of PT and they will be getting her at 3 PM. SIL said, she'd be heading out when PT comes . her words, .. "they need to work with her, and she needs to trust them and concentrate on what they're doing ... I don't need to be in the middle of it all".
We left before the 3 PM hour . but I suppose that's what she did do . when PT arrived, . she left.
That's what she did yesterday. Stopped in about lunch time, and left when PT arrived.
So I do think she is trying .. at present . (probably an enormous struggle for the Enabler of all Enablers) .. trying to pull back a degree or few.
I don't know if she intends to stay here to see Purgatory through and on into final placement. I doubt it though.
DH will have POA also at that point ... (he is on it now . but she's here .. it's an old old old POA done before their dad passed away and that was in 2003). But I guess that's still valid.
The atty I think is supposed to visit this week . at some point and get that all important signature on the POA and go with it. But .. in any event, . when that's done .. it will be both as co-sign for POA .. not a successive thing . they can either or sign anything that needs signature. Doesn't require both signatures.
So she can leave if she wishes. I'd imagine she'll stay here .. as we go into Purgatory .. and maybe some on that adjustment .. and then maybe go on home to IL .. and maybe when it's time to move on .. to wherever she will be .. maybe she'll return at that point also .. as to helping her to adjust ...
But I don't know that to be the case.
On another note . I haven't seen it happen .. I've been absent the whole thing, sans today .. due to being ill.
But accdg to DH and accdg to SIL both.. anytime PT comes to get her "up"... she is absolutely "TERRIFIED" ... so FRIGHTENED ............ it's awful .. or to put it as DH puts it, "IT'S RIDICULOUS .... SHE GASPS AND CARRIES ON SO . YOU'D THINK THEY WERE GONNA DROP HER OFF THE SIDE OF A BLDG 4 STORIES HIGH . HER GASPING SO .. IT'S RIDICULOUS".
I guess .. in one sense .. there's a plus to her having fallen and broken her hip .. she is now "AFRAID/TERRIFIED" to get up. Thus, won't do so .. unless being assisted!
As you know, my mother has traveled the hospitalization/rehab/permanent NH journey in the past 5 months. And you know I am most certainly NOT like SIL is/used to be in regards to doing everything and satisfying every "want" for MIL.
Yet, still, I sometimes say I'm on a short leash with the NH. Just yesterday, I got one of the calls that she was "agitated," wouldn't get up and dressed, wouldn't eat, wouldn't take her meds...so I had to high-tail it over there. One of my brothers was visiting, so we both went. And there have been other issues other times.
Who is going to be the one to be dealing with the facility where MIL is, be it Purgatory or We Are Family or wherever it is that she ends up? Is SIL going to attempt to manage this from afar? Is DH going to willingly slip that collar over his head so that he has to respond when the leash gets yanked?
(And I'm not entirely sure that MIL won't stage some of this to get attention from someone...if she knows that DH will come running if there is an issue, I don't put it past her to do this. My mother is now cognitively beyond being able to do this.)
I DO have a flexible job (I work for my H), so I am able to respond to these leash yankings. And of course I am now being paid for doing this.
I just hope YOU aren't the designated leash-wearer once SIL leaves town.
I'm quite sure that she "hopes" to be able to carve out some kind of life outside of this .. going forward.
Gonna be quite the ordeal to achieve that if I know her. It's in her DNA .. to be part and parcel of her mom's care and well being ... she was even before she retired .. she'd come here over winter break .. she'd come here over spring break . come in the summer, and even . if her mom had some procedure scheduled that she'd be needing help .. she'd make arrangements to be absent at work, and be here.
For her to now turn and try to carve out a life outside of this is gonna be a feat like none other for someone made of her DNA.
Starting to see some of that right now. I can only surmise that maybe M got to her .. I don't know that to be the fact, . but sure seems like it .. and I can only hope that what we're seeing at present . for her sake, but also for her mom's sake .. is gonna take hold ..
Yesterday we were by to see his mom for a bit, DH and myself. SIL was there, she'd picked up a burger for her mom and had lunch with her, .. and she said she'd be leaving when PT arrives to get her . .and she did do so, .. talked to her later when we all had dinner out. She said of that notion.. "Important that she work with the PT staff and build some confidence .. she's absolutely terrified of getting UP .. and she needs to build some confidence, and I don't need to be in the middle of all that".
YUP .. HOORAY.
So then last night, we all met for dinner out ...
She was telling me that she'd left there at 3 or there about. But no sooner than she got in the door .. back to MIL's home, the phone was ringing. It was MIL.
MIL: "Can you come back over this way .. I just .. I don't feel right .. I have ....."
As she then went into her litany of complaints at present .. one of which is the diaper they have her in . .gets bunched up under her and is uncomfortable and she can't get it adjusted .. another one is she is constipated at present .. another complaint she has hemorrhoids ..
SIL telling me this .. that MIL called her, no sooner than she got home . and wanting her to come that way ..
I guess MIL maybe .. who knows . not cognizant of the fact that her daughter JUST LEFT THERE .. having been there for a few hours to visit. I dunno.
And it's not .. right next door, like she can say, "oh sure, let me pop right over there, be right there".
SIL said she answered this .. telling her mom . no . she can't .. that she just got home from being there, . .. that she is having to take care of Poochy (B is gone to St. Louis .. yes .. YD is around to do so .. but .. SIL's point .. I'm not running back and forth . not when there are paid professionals there . she needs to deal with the staff there, what am I gonna do about constipation and hemorrhoids). Said to her mom that she had Poochy to the vet the day before and he is now on a slew of meds to fix his gums issue .. and she has to take him for a walk, get him fed and get his meds in him . .and that no .. she's not coming back today .. that she needs to call for the nurse.
I guess this .. SIL got the sense . maybe it miffed her mom some .. and she offered to call the nurse for her mom .. her mom declined saying she'd call the nurse .. and I guess that pretty much ended all that.
Then her mom called her again.
All in all, she called SIL 3 x's .. and it sounds like there was some woe w/me .. in it all. That she even said to SIL .. "I'm trying to come to terms with the fact here that I will be ending my
That I will be ending my days here on this earth . in this kinda place .. it's nothing I ever wanted .. I just am struggling to put my mind to it all.
Sounds to me like SIL did what I would guess to be the right thing . and countering with her mom .. asking her (SIL and I had talked about all this .. and I guess she thought it was a good question) .. "Mom what did you think would happen if you got old enough that you couldn't care for yourself".
She said her mom answered .. "I guess I just thought I'd die peacefully in my sleep"
SIL: "Yes . we all wish that .. but not all are fortunate enough to meet that as their fate . .and you may still . who knows .. but .. there is this other journey now that you will need to go on as to your path .. and so .. you just have to try to come to terms with it.
SIL saying that she and her mom . she talked to her mom about the fact, that she was able to live in her own home, thru her 70's and 80's . something a lot of people don't get to do .. but that it's no longer safe for her to do so .. and that she tried .. SIL did .. she tried having her in IL . to care for her . but she's not able to do it f/t .. and besides that MIL doesn't want to be in IL.
All in all, it sounded to me like MIL . and I don't see it as being manipulative or conniving .. I see it as a child would do that wants their way . and be damned how that happens .. they want their way. That kinda thing is how I view it all. Sounds like .. MIL was .. maybe laying it on kinda thick with SIL .. trying to elicit sympathy .. I don't know if she somehow thinks in her broken brain . that if she pours it on thick enough . that SIL will change course and give up her life . .and bring her mom home to her house . and be her c'taker.
It's not going to happen. I think at one point in time, SIL thought . that's just what she'll do . but that ship has sailed. SIL now firmer than firm . that she can't do it, and she knows it.
Unfortunately .. she's not really getting thru to SIL .. to get her to bite the hook of sympathy .. and so I suspect she will turn this whole saga to DH .. and with him . he's not yet there . on the road of .. "it is what it is .. ", he just is not.
I think he does "See" .. that there is no other way . but he's still on the flying monkeys and unicorn dust page .. of "I wish it didn't have to be this way".
He even said to me last night .. after this convo with SIL and MIL .. "Ya know if none of ya'll were in the mix as to how this all plays out, .. I'd bring her to her home .. I would . just as she wants . and leave her be .. I would do it .. ".
I didn't even answer to that ..
He then said, "but then what ...???.... I mean I can't be there 24/7 .. and even if I did bring her home to her house .. what ..??... lay her in the bed . and shut the door and walk away .. let her starve to death .. let her lay in her own chit .. and never change her diapers .. I couldn't do that .. so .. I hate all this .. I absolutely hate it".
I'm done saying it .. I've said it to him more times than I can count .. I just listened .. but .. I've said to him, "I wish you would frame this from the POV that she will now have skilled staff to attend to her needs, rather than the poor plight that she never wanted to have to go this route". I've said it . doesn't seem to sink in.
Unfortunately .. if/when she turns this dialogue towards DH . it will T.E.A.R. him up. He won't take it as SIL is .. SIL who was hands on . in the trenches .. wiping butts and you name it . thru all this .. and is further down the road of .. "it is what it is".
I'm really for the most part, done countering it all with conversation with him .. I don't really counter any longer, just listen. I have said to him, 'talk to her docs . they too advise she needs round the clock care". I've said to him, .. "it just is what it is DH". I've said to him, "yea .. it's sad . I know she never wanted this .. but she had longer
She had longer in her home, than really she should've .. because of her stance she'll manage . when she in fact was NOT managing .. we all were .. and that was ME a lot when SIL couldn't be here and I can't do it either".
I've said all that and more ...
But I guess as is so often the case, those who weren't in the trenches . want to wring their hands and 2nd guess and so forth . he would fall under that ilk . would be about my assessment.
He'll just have to work it through in his own mind . that's all I can say.
I think in talking with SIL . and the 3 phone calls that came her way from MIL after she'd been there for a few hours to visit .. I think . somehow .. (maybe M) .. she has gotten on board with the whole notion . that she needs to "visit" but that's it . and that she is so firmly entrenched on the page that her mom needs to now work towards working with staff and building some self reliance on that fact .. reaching out to staff .. and getting whatever help she needs via that channel . (she's right) .. she .. SIL seems so much farther down the road on it all, than she E.V.E.R. was before .. it's really stark how much farther she's come.
She intends to go today and take Poochy to visit a bit .. and it will be just that .. a "visit". She is coming over here for dinner, we're grilling out today and she is invited and so will come later .. to visit here .. and maybe drink a beer and kick back ..
Good for her. And even better if somehow .. SIL and DH both .. absent MIL on the scene . have a chance to talk, .. if he can "hear" her and what she says about it all .. and maybe at least "listen" to her take on it all .. it will be good for him. And good for her, . .also .. to see that he is struggling with all this .. more so than is she.
As for what happens going forward, SIL back in IL . and the myriad of complaints that go on . and summoning by staff .
He will be the contact person . .not me.
Now will he then turn to me, .. "Dorker go over to the NH . they say that mom is ___________ and ___________ and she needs someone to come by there".
I will discern (more fights to come .. and yes I've made my stance known . but these are folks that aren't known for *listening/hearing* me when I say I'm done) .. I will discern whether I think whatever ____________ and ___________ are, warrant a visit that way. And very much so . what I think as a "need" and what he might think of "need" .. two very very different things. And so more fights likely to come.
MO .. she didn't want to be in IL .. where her daughter could be more attentive to her . she wanted to be in FL (yes I know her brain is broken .. she couldn't executive function that out .. to see how that looks) .. she wanted to be in FL by damn . So in FL she will be .. but that is inclusive of a son . who works and is not going to be there everytime she gets a hang nail . it just isn't gonna happen. And a DIL (me) that won't .. I Just won't do it. Their mom.
So .. what I see, is more fights coming . when I refuse to go . because her sheets are too scratchy or because her blanket isn't warm enough . or because she says so and so is mean to her .. or because .. any number of other things I don't think warrant a "drop what you're doing and run that way". More fights.
I have said it and said it . I don't want to be the contact person .. and I won't be running there every time she gets the hiccups. So .. don't listen to me, don't hear me .. but you'll see . just as I said I was done running a mobile Assisted Living .. and I did just that . stepped off of doing it .. same will be the case here.
Circling back to the convo's between SIL and her yesterday. She actually told SIL that she wishes she could come home, . lock her bedroom door, not eat, not drink and just go on and die".
SIL responded to that, "that's not realistic mother, we can't let you do that".
So anyway .. I don't know . we will just have to see.