I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I think it's also SIL and her deeply ingrained one more whirligig, one more gizmo ... there's always a "fix". Every problem has a "fix", just have to find the way to do it.
There's no fixing Dementia. It's only going to get worse if that's the fate and no gizmo made will correct it.
But general anesthesia foggy brain might be just the ailment here (so she would ascribe to). And if so, then .. that'll clear her system eventually... so that dreaded D word doesn't have to be entertained. A fix for that too!
That really more defines how she operates.
The time for all her many little fixing bandaid maneuvers was gone quite a while back. Some people just can't see the forest for focusing in minute detail on each tree.
As to the dementia dx, there are many different ways of getting a diagnosis.
My mom , before her major stroke, went through 4 hours of cognitive and neurological testing. She was given a dx of mild cognitive impairment with follow up a year later that showed no progression ( Her geriatric pcp and psychiatrist insisted on this testing, to figure out why she was suddenly so d@mn anxious over little things. It was useful because my brother and SIL didnt believe that there was anything cognitively wrong with her. )
After a major stroke and while she was in rehab, mom started having delusions. The facility brought in a geriatric psychiatrist who dxed vascular dementia based on history, behavior and loss of reasoning and logic.
At the meeting Thursday, I think you should speak up about your long standing concerns about MILs ability to manage her meds and hydration, based on her history of not recalling what her meds are, difficulty managing her dietary restrictions and hydration needs. I think you need to indicate that this has been a concern of the family BEFORE she entered the facility. And that while there is no formal diagnosis of dementia, it is clear that even before the surgery, she was unable to manage on her own, even with close supervision. The granola bar story sums it up neatly.
We found a different AL, where mom fell within the first 30 minutes of being alone in her room. She was found immediately because they were checking on her constantly. She didn't know how to push the button on her "alert" button that was on her wrist. This AL also had MC so we moved her there...after a day or two with 24/7 aides.
She fell again, with two aides in the room. Xrays showed no breaks; long story short, the alert PT, doing therapy later that week saw that mom was not bearing weight on one leg. Got a mobile xray ordered; she had a broken hip.
Mom had surgery and then rehabbed at a SNF where she became a LTC resident for the next 4 1/2 years.
The SNF, while it had its problems with communication with us, was the best possible care for mom; they did everything they could to extend her Medicare paid rehab as long as possible; whenever she had to be sent out to the hospital, they worked with us to keep "her" bed without charging us and got her back
into "rehab" (paid for by Medicare" for as long as possible. (mom was private pay the whole time).
OT and PT were intermittently restarted when it became obvious that she was regressing.
I don't think it would be a bad thing if MIL left "posh" for a more appropriate facility and got the right level of care.
Yes, decline may happen anyway because of dementia, anesthesia related complications, etc, but Posh sure is not helping things either. At the meeting Thursday, I'd definitely mention all of the trouble she has had with ADLs for a LONG time and reiterating the fact that "we think she has dementia AND that she has had it for awhile before this stay".
If she moved to LTC place, PT can still come in, as mentioned. In mom's facility she was offered the option of PT that was covered but she refused it. They will focus on strength building exercises appropriate to her level and range of motion.
"too sad" by SIL.
MIL became dehydrated and fell, breaking her hip in this unit. The aides seemed to get that she was not adhering to instructions, but no one listens to aides.
MIL had surgery for hip, readmitted to rehab, perhaps with a bit more supervision. But no thought given to her cognitive state, because it's not charted. From her chart, one would assume that she was living independently before any of this trauma. The folks with standing say she has no dementia.
Dorker, you need to light a fire under DH or SIL to get MIL the care she needs. Because right now, rehab assumes that she's totally compis mentis. And you know she's not.
That's gonna all change at some point, when she goes Medicaid Pending .. Medicaid DOES pay for a SNF ..
So she will ultimately go to a SNF . but not right now .. as Medicaid isn't yet pending ..
Today started out leaps and bounds better than it had been. Of course it would her now several hours into IV hydration.
They had her sitting in a chair today (not sure if they got her to PT) .. and she was even able to go to the potty chair affixed to the toilet . as opposed to bedpan . (with assistance) . but chitapalooza at play presently so that's it's own nightmare ..
But seemingly more lucid today .. and actually sitting in a chair . that's new. Go figure, hydration ..
Sounded like it was a bettter day all in all . finally .. long overdue.
Hasn't really ended that way . but again . nothing anyone can do about it, and MIL is not gonna be happy even if you brought her home to a palace with servants for her every whim . she'd still be unhappy and can't any of us fix that .
Day ended not so on a good note . but so be it.
Feel bad for SIL . her mom being a smart azz to her on the phone ..
I don't think I'd make myself as available as SIL does .. but I'm not SIL. I don't think I'd visit . every single day .. particularly when the mother . so unhappy has a tendency to want to make my world rock . because of it . I might find it necessary to be absent a little more . like an entire day .. some of the time. But I'm not SIL
SIL is .. as a matter of fact, . limiting her visits to a few hours .. which is a vast improvement for her. So there's that.
But she does go every single day . .and I have to believe if I was subject to her mom's smart azz misery flung at me . I wouldn't be so available.
Not even sure why they were on the phone with one another this evening . but I think that's standard .. they talk to one another .. after SIL has left for the day . and into the evening.
I don't know what has MIL so miserable . when . all in all . it was a relatively better day for her than has been the case.
I know MIL had been displeased . . had her nurse button . pressing the button . for quite a long while, no response. She'd been left sitting in a chair and was ready to get up and get into the bed .. but no one coming. So she says . she'd been pressing the button.
A call to SIL . "would you call the nurse desk and see if you can get anyone to come help me .. I want to get out of this chair and get into bed, but I need help and they aren't answering me when I push the button".
SIL did that, tried to reach the nurse desk on the phone . no answer. Same thing happened last night, btw . when SIL couldn't get her mom to answer the phone . for quite a long while, calling the nurse desk . no answer .. for a long while . story in the end .. they'd gotten busy with two admits at once . and so no one available. Whatever. Not acceptable at all, what if a patient lays bleeding to death on the floor . having two admits at once .. sorry ... not our problem .. staff appropriately to the patient load.
But whatever.
So anyway . the story goes as to tonight .. MIl wanting out of the chair, and into the bed, . no one answering the nurse button. Calls SIL . asks her to call the nurse desk . to summon someone to come help her mom. SIL tries, no answer . .no answer . for quite a long while . .until SIL finally called Security which is actually down the hall from where MIL is . and asked if one of them would go get a nurse to help her mom . .security guard did so.
I guess someone did come help her . .she called SIL back to let her know she'd been helped into the bed now. But then the pitty party . and the smart azzedness commenced.
MIL: "Don't bother coming to see me in this God awful place tomorrow .. just don't even bother .. and thank you for putting me here in this miserable place".
SIL says she then said to her mom .. "Mom I didn't PUT you there .. it came highly recommended . you need to be there to rehab your hip".
I don't know what else was said. But SIL takes this kinda thing . to heart. (shaking my head in dismay . .maybe it's easier for me to not own it/wear it . not my mom . not so easy for her)
It hurts SIL's feeling. As she put it talking to me, "I think on some level she blames me... that if I would just take care of her, she wouldn't have to be in that setting".
Me; "Ya think?!?!?!? I'm quite sure she does . .but too bad .. not your fault she got old .. don't own it SIL .. it's not yours to own".
Easier said than done I suppose.
SIL: "It's just hard .. I know it's hard for her and she's frustrated and scared .. but it's hard .. I can't fix it . ".
Me: "No and as I told you and I'll keep saying it . hoping you'll hear me .. you aren't responsible for your mom's happiness . would you want M to feel responsible and carry the burden of whether you are sad and fix it .. I wouldn't want that .. not for my kids .. that's not their burden to carry and it's isn't yours .. I know she's old . and doesn't feel well . and scared and bewildered . at what juncture awaits her .. we all know that . but she doesn't get to lash out at you and blame you. I'd of told her .. "yea you're right, . I think I will pass on coming that way tomorrow . got some things to do around here and I need to take a rest myself, so you have a great day tomorrow . and I'll see you the next day after .. g'nite".
(SIL won't do that.. I would . she won't)
Me: "when she said thank you for putting me in this miserable place .. I'd of answered her "you're welcome .. it's really one of the best in the area .. " and not entertained another moment of it.
Easier said than done I guess, if it's your mom.
So that's how the day ended. MIL being a smart azz and making SIL feel bad.
That's on SIL to some degree . she needs to figure a way to not own this and as I told her, this is gonna get a lot uglier . when she ends up not in POSH but in Purgatory and if shes' not happy there ... God look out .. you're gonna have to steel yourself to not own it ..
SIL: "I know you're right".
But doing it, I guess not as easy.
I think SIL .. she even said as much, is wearing the effects of trying for too long to be the source of whether her mom was happy (it makes her too sad to think of being in a home somewhere, so I'll just do what I can to take care of her . in her waning days here on this earth .. ). She's now wearing that . because as she put it: "I think I just let her rely on me for too long as to being happy".
Yep.
SIL: "Yep that's how she was at my house, if she asked me for something I was supposed to stop what I was doing right there on the spot and do it .. she's not known for having any patience".
I've already questioned whether SIL is burning out staff goodwill . when she was trying to talk to the doctor who had now left the room and was sitting at a laptop . likely making notes and on the phone .
Her querry that she stood waiting for him to free himself to speak to her: "Did you realize that mom is on ___________ and _____________ and __________ as to drugs . will any of that be counter indicated . as to the new rx you're rx'ing for her BP .. it will all work together right?".
I don't know .. I even told her at that moment . as she waited . him sitting on his laptop . and talking on the phone . her standing there waiting for his attention . and I told her: "SIL he knows . it's his job to know that . and not rx something that's contra indicated . you need to stop 2nd guessing what they're doing . you aren't an MD".
It didn't stop her. She stood there waiting .. I walked away.
I have the # for the nurse desk, but haven't called them with the exception of the first night at POSH when she reported being up and moving furniture .. weeks ago.
I don't call unless it's an E.M.E.R.G.E.N.C.Y
But I don't get phone calls from MIL to . ."I can't get anyone in here, to get me out of this chair". She doesn't call me . to address it . she calls SIL.
Honestly, I saw the same long waits in the hospitals while attending my husband and daughter. Even in the ICU! Our large facilities do seem woefully understaffed. :-( In my experience, smaller was better. (others experiences may have been different)
But - I did kind of laugh to myself sometimes, when I walked down the hallway at the SNF/rehab sometimes to visit and noticed over half the call lights on and nurse buttons ringing, and the staff running from one to the other. Seems like so many needing something, all the time. And my mom pushed her button a lot, for every little thing, once she finally figured it out.
Frankly I don't think SIL was wrong to question the doctor about a medication to raise MIL's bp, given her heart issues, hx of TIAs and the rate of medical errors in facilities.
She's sundowning.
Be sure to mention this to SIL. My SIL used to visit my mom after work. It took us a LONG time to realize that the negativity and complaints that my SIL heard at 8 pm (which Mom would deny the next day when I called to " fix" them) were the result of sundowning.
This bit: "SIL: "Yep that's how she was at my house, if she asked me for something I was supposed to stop what I was doing right there on the spot and do it .. she's not known for having any patience"."
Hmmmmmmm. Can I just refer you to your Original Post up there? And moot that there may be a certain element of chicken-and-egg going on, here.
The idea is to get SIL to breathe, and act only on calm reflection and with a purpose; but the same goes for you. SIL is a known worry wart, you're not going to change that part, don't even bother trying. Instead, lead by example on the "let's wait and see."
“Ask SW Jessica and the folks....on Thursday if this facility is able to meet MIL's MEDICAL needs, given her diverticulitis, chf and dementia. .....Get it out on the table.
....nastiness to SIL was at the end of the day? (....inability to distinguish dream from reality, or perceive that it was evening and not morning?). But she started the day out all chipper and happy?
She's sundowning.”
Dorker, my heart hurts for all of you. Such a spiral.
MIL is tanking physically and mentally. SIL is unable to stay tethered to reality for more than 30 minutes at a pop. And POSH ain’t “all that” once you pull back the window dressing.
I know we’re all “pull away, Dorker....not your monkey.....”
BUT come Thursday morning, put our party line temporarily on hold — and be the mouthpiece and the brain at the meeting.
Your clarity is sorely needed. Be firm and assertive. Don’t let the “answer people” evade or redirect. And (tactfully) make sure your bullet point Q&A takes precedence over SIL’s hand-wringing delusions and DH’s dejection.
After that damm meeting (and possibly a recap lunch with DH and SIL), break away from them..... and treat yourself to something restoring. Immerse yourself in an environment or an experience that is the polar opposite of this sad and frustrating debacle.
((((big hugs)))) 🧡
When my mother was hospitalized back in October for 17 days with a gallbladder infection that then spiraled into some complications, we (my brothers and I) knew that my mother would never be able to go home again. We strongly suspected she would never even be able to improve enough for AL. (Previous to her hospitalization, she lived totally independently except for driving in a one-story condo. She took care of all of her ADLs by herself.)
When we started scoping out NHs, I made sure to mention that my mother would be private pay (assuming they would work a little harder to find space for someone who would be full-pay; I think that did happen). We moved her to finish out rehab (she got 38 days total) in the NH where she would become a LTC resident. She continues to need help with all ADLs except for eating (and at times, she apparently has had to be helped with that).
Her body is weak, and the mental decline has been surprising. Some of it may be due to meds, but I'm not going to question that. She's in one of the best NHs in the area, they have the local med school come in during the week (and this med school has a geriatrics center), and my mother has a private room. SHE isn't happy, she's written nasty notes (back in the beginning; she can no longer write) blaming me for putting her there, etc. But it's the best and most appropriate place for her -- all 3 of my brothers agree.
SIL really needs to accept that MIL's days of AL are gone now. She needs to be in a SNF for rehab, and then afterwards. This will be MIL's life.
MIL initially needed to get back her strength after a UTI, had no reported
by SIL) chronic medical conditions and was expected to be able to thrive in an Assisted Living environment.
All of that has changed. It is now apparent that she DOES have chronic medical issues and that her undiagnosed dementia appears to be advancing. Yes, some of this is the anesthesia. But her baseline, even with SIL dancing constant attendance was not good.
What she needs now is rehab in a SNF where she can transition to being a long term care resident. Bring it up Thursday and press DH and SIL to talk to lawyer, Medicaid Betty and SW about this as a game plan.
I KNOW that SIL and DH will say that going to a SNF (with slumpers and folks who "don't know chit from chitola" will make MIL "too sad".
Why do the other residents matter if MIL won't even talk to the folks at "posh"?
What she needs RIGHT NOW is better care than she's getting. I'm all for respecting the wishes of our elders. But not when the decisions they are making cause grief and hardship for their elderly children and not when what they want is not what they need.
As an example, SIL brought MIL back to FL because that's what she "wanted". Is MIL any better off in FL than she would have been in IL? No.
Are BIL and SIL MUCH worse off, emotionally, financially and physically? Yes.
Where is DH? Oh he's doing what DH has always done ... doing his thing. He hears . he's on the periphery ... he buys in .. as the dialogue all goes on around him . but he's not on site .. and asking pertinent questions .. and/or communicating with med professionals .. etc.
I will state however, that DH has turned down .. a couple of things at church recently as to hats they'd of liked him to wear with responsibility there and told them, "Guys .. I can't take on anything right now .. my world .. between working and my mom .. I am spoken for". Hooray for him.
The door has been swung to a full open position showing the ugly baby and all. I did talk to Jessica about our concerns .. as to her health .. and whether this is the right setting. In fact, SIL talked to the attending MD on that same issue yesterday while on site. MD assures (of course he's gonna say that, . he works there, for them, at POSH) .. "oh yes, that's what we do here, . we work to get them back to being as healthy as we can and rehabbing".
Jessica .. "this is what you'll do in documenting your concerns and addressing them with staff .. if you find they can't step up to meet that need, is when you begin looking for alternate placement".
I find this morning that I'm at a kind of cross between sadness and anger . both emotions.
Sadness for the people I love in all this .. DH and his sister and MIL for that matter. But also anger.
My frustration/anger is coming from a place of ... "you folks are gonna have to find a steel resolve and put it on, like an armor .. and wear it .. as this thing progresses .. you better go dig it out of the catacombs and find it .. and wear it, it's gonna get real ugly here ... and SIL .. being "hurt" by the things that MIL says .. and not seemingly able to .. compartmentalize .. and not own it . .the things her mom says to her .. and DH .. with his .. oh so sad that she has ended up with this as her plight .. Folks you better find a steel armor to put on .. and wear it daily,
every day .. cuz it's gonna get rougher .. ".
Right now, she's in POSH in a private room ..
She won't have that going forward .. it will be semi private.
She will hate that .. did I say how much she will "HATE" that .. she will loathe/hate/despise it ..
But .. that steel armor I have on .. not my circus .. not my monkey ..
She is at present, in POSH not among the land of the slumpers she so loathes .. in her more lucid moments ..
She will be .. in a short time, living among the slumpers .. she will HATE/LOATHE/DESPISE that.
SIL you want to take it on and wear it, own it .. such sadness that she says those things to you, that hurt you .. and not bounce it off your armor .. what the h377 are you gonna do when she lands in the Land of Slumpers .. and with a perhaps Slumper as her room mate? And the complaints start .. and the anger . and lashing out . her thanking you for putting her in this miserable place .. what are you gonna do? Have you given that any thought as to how you plan to weather that, if not you better .. you should already have a plan to walk thru that . cuz it's coming. DH .. what will you do when you go to visit her . and the Land of Slumpers is her existence now .. and you think you're sad now . her at POSH . just you wait .. it's gonna get uglier .. it just is ..
It's like I've said to both of them . countless times .. and I keep saying it .. but I don't think they "hear it/own it". Your mom's happiness is not your responsibility, ..period . her safety/her well being .. at a juncture in her life when she can't see to those things . abso-damn-lutely .. but her happiness . that is not on you . anymore than it ever was . nor is it your kids responsibility to make sure you aren't sad ..
Maybe it's different
Maybe it's different . and some of you folks who've all weathered this in your own parent .. will tell me to go pack some patience . it's different when it's your own parent. Maybe that's where the disconnect is .. that I need to be the one that packs some patience in all this.
I find myself angry ......
I'm angry because .. I guess I keep seeing it from a prism .. I've been on this page .. I was firmly on this page .. long ago .. and trying like h377 to get the two of them to see it .. she is NOT managing folks .. there's not a single shred of any of this that is HER MANAGING .. to them . .. leaving her .. with her "happiness" to manage . it makes her too sad to contemplate leaving her home .. want her to be "happy" .. blah blah blah.
What that has served to do is .. I was on this page .. long long ago .. and I'm on down the road a piece in it all .. I long ago (but she's not my mom) .. saw this coming . and so .. I'm not over here wringing my hands .. and denying CHF . and denying Dementia ..
But I am over here .. being a sounding board to SIL who .. gets the verbal whiplash flung at her by her mom .. and I'm over here being the sounding board to a DH who wants to just wring his hands that his poor poor mom .. that she has this as a plight . she never wanted to live long enough to have to do.
I just find at times, I want to scream at the both of them.
DH . ya know . your mom had so so so many good years .. and even beyond that .. she had years in her home that she damn well shouldn't of .. she wasn't managing .. look at other tragic cases .. it is sad . yep .. I hear ya . it's sad .. but ya know, at least she didn't get in some horrible car accident that rendered her bed ridden in her 40's for the rest of her days .. that is sad .. that is tragic .. that would've been horrible. No . she was able to live her life .. and for that you should be grateful . you can't control that she has reached this point and God didn't see fit to send her cloud .. just stop anguishing over her sadness . just stop it .. you can't fix it .. you can't make her happy. Even if the woman had a gajillion dollars and could bring in around the clock care, . in a palace that you've placed her in .. she still would not be happy . the only thing that's gonna make her happy is youth and vitality and that ship sailed long long long ago .. no one can attain that . .so start wearing it . that she's not gonna be happy .. just .. put on the damn armor and get on with it.
SIL yea she's gonna lash out at you .. in some sense . you're absolutely right . she thinks . if you'd give up your life and come live w/her and take care of her .. then she wouldn't be in this setting. You helped foster that SIL .. in your telling her that you don't want her to be sad and unhappy in her waning days here on this earth .. so now . now that you've found this way above your pay grade . her needs . .which btw . I predicted would happen if anybody would've listened to me .. now you're gonna have to foster that she's gonna need to find her way to however her life looks . going forward . not at all what she wanted, not what you wanted for her, but you can't fix it .. put on your damn armor and when she slings verbal jabs at you .. don't own it . .it's not yours to own . .never was .. just put on the damn armor and let it bounce off of you, stop trying to justify to her and her broken brain . why she's where she is . just agree w/her and move on, change the damn subject, .. don't even give it any airplay . .what the h377 are you gonna do when it gets a lot uglier, and it's coming .. you better find a way to deflect it all .. for your own sake.
They also have a lifetime of training by their narcissistic mom, right? Driving in circles looking for the right camping spot? Agreeing with her poor financial planning re RM, facelift, braces?
Only estranged brother was ever able to stand up to her. And she has NO insight into why he left.
They've been groomed. It's called Fear Obligation and Guilt, i.e., F.O.G.
Folks with more functional families have been taught, by example and by actually doing it, that it's okay to say " no" to parents. That sometimes parents are not perfectly happy. That sometimes the dream of a perfect plan is the enemy of a perfectly good plan.
Look at me (although I'm probably not representative of most of the caregivers on this board). I am one of the people who is definitely NOT cut out to be a caregiver, yet the care of my mother has been forced upon me, because I am the only local child. I did not have a great relationship with her growing up, but it was distant-but-okay until she made it clear that I'd always been a problem, didn't do much for her now, and that my time wasn't worth anything. I was her Dummy Driver Daughter for two years, putting strict limits on my driving her places. She didn't like that. I really resented that I was boots-on-the-ground in her caregiving, while my 3 brothers got by with a few visits a year (and, for one, not even that often). They were golden, they were so "busy," and it was just accepted.
I emotionally withdrew from her for good at that point after some ugly crying/shaking/shaming/blaming fits I witnessed towards me. Now I am curiously detached from her. But I am IT for her. Fortunately, she never had to live with me -- that was NOT going to ever happen. I never would have done the steppin' and fetchin' that you did for MIL. Even what I did for my own mother I resented in the past two years (didn't resent her before that), mostly because she disrespected me so much and became so obsessive in her demands that things had to be JUST SO. She would not listen to anything I had to say. Even now, with her living in a NH, I am quite detached. And I get paid for the time I spend on/with her. (No, I don't charge for every single hour.)
So, no, it isn't just because she is not your mother. You don't have the rose-colored glasses that SIL and H have, and that is a good thing.
I asked SIL if she went away to let them talk, .. she said .. it was pretty apparent when I got there, he'd been there a while . so no .. he was about to be finishing up there.
Her report of listening to some of the dialogue .. it was interesting in that .. the guy is saying to MIL much the same things that have all been said to her, by all of us .. maybe she can hear it from someone else, maybe not ..
But him telling her that his folks .. they used to live in MN .. (now live here in AL, brought here, because . he doesn't live in MN). He was telling MIL that his dad spent $78k . .in the last year he lived there, bringing in round the clock caregivers for he and his wife .. and that I guess the dad figured . .can't keep doing that.
So in the end, they bought into some place here .. and so . they now live here . in AL. The guy imparting this to MIL in a "It's all a trade off in the end ... ya know, .. at the time you reverse mortgaged your home . you had to do . at the time .. what worked best for your situation . but now the piper has come to call .. and so you don't have a home to sell to be able to go to somewhere that you can pay for .. at the time, that worked for your circumstance . and .. you were able to enjoy more years in your home .. but it's a trade off .. all of it .. my dad had to part with $$$ to be able to do what he needs to do for them .. you .. you're having to give up your home .. and your dog . but it's all a trade off in the end .. ".
I guess MIL lamenting that she didn't ever want to live long enough to face this juncture. The guy saying to her .. "none of us do . it's hard .. it's hard stuff .. but we don't get to choose .. sure it's sad .. yep .. but ya gotta accept the reality of it all . .and we'll work on that some when I come to visit you weekly".
Counselor: "What did you think was going to happen?"
MIL: "I guess I just always thought I'd die in my sleep".
Counselor: Don't we all ... but that's not it for you, not right now . so you just have to work to accept the reality that is .."
MIL: "I just . if I get to thinking about it, it makes me cry .. it all makes me sad"
Counselor: "That's okay .. cry about it . if you need to, . talk about it ... you need to .. you need to talk about it . talk it out, that will help you come to terms w/it all".
At least that little sliver of a piece of all this .. has come to fruition .. a counselor brought to bear in it all.
It sounds like over the years YOU have spent the most time with your MIL. As a friend, DIL, stepper and fetcher. You’ve witnessed and accepted her decline.
DH and SIL haven’t wanted to see the decline and are obviously struggling to accept it. Yes it is their Mom. Would they see and accept it in a acquaintance? Yep.
SIL is overwhelmed! Just by the conversation between you and her she is not in a place yet to understand that as yucky feeling as her place is in all this she’s got to look at this with different eyes.
Maybe others will weigh in. There were many reasons I had to view the situation with my Mom “not as her daughter”, maybe it was our strained relationship.
When things got harder than hard, which is where you guys are now, I had to view my Mom’s situation as a JOB. My decisions had to be made without emotion. I didn’t like the JOB. I didn’t want the JOB. But Mom had to have an advocate.
I dont know if SIL will ever be able to remove her emotions. Let’s hope so. She has made some improvement.
I agree with Black Hole. I hope you are going to the meeting tomorrow. SIL and DH are not yet in a place to offer anything constructive to the meeting. Of course they need to be there! But I don’t think either of them will be very helpful.
DH and SIL need to be at the meeting to learn, hear, and maybe it will help them accept this mess.
And a counseler was by to see MIL!
It doesn't play out that way. You are a widget on an assembly line .. period .. and they move on after fixing you the widget . to the next widget in line to be fixed.
I plan to bring up the dreaded "D" word .. and lay it out for the world to see ..
That will be countered with (I'm ready for it) . "We don't know how much of this is the general anesthesia .. and it's after effects, we have to give it time to work through .. ".
To which I will try to counter . but now you are the widget they have already adjusted and you need to keep moving down the line so they can get to the next widget in line .. I plan to counter that with: "She was exhibiting dementia before she arrived at a broken hip .. this isn't new . but yes, made much worse in the trauma that has all ensued".
Again, if I even get that out of my mouth .. having been pushed as the widget that has already been adjusted and needs to move on ... if I even get that out of my mouth .. it will be answered as follows: "as we said .. some of it may be the residual effects of the general anesthesia . and we have to allow time for that to work it's course".
Yea yea okay .. whatever folks.
If given the floor (I won't be .. I'm a widget in that setting) ... I would then follow up with, "the point I am making here .. is this the right setting for someone who is assume to be functional and firing on all cylinders and she is not . she cannot . has not .. in a long long time . and that has heretofore .. been absent in all of this .. what are we doing to address that specific issue .. it's assumed she can hydrate appropriately .. for instance .. to stave off all of the other peripheral issues that keep occurring with her, . she cannot".
At that point, if I even had the floor (I won't. I'm a damn widget that needs to keep moving) .. I would presume that SW Jessica may also weigh in .. that we need a "plan" a workable plan to address the above ..
In talking with her yesterday . that was her approach . while she didn't move me on down the line as a widget, she listened .. her approach is . these are concerns that you document and get them to come up with a workable plan to address it . and if they cannot in the end . then you look at an alternate setting.
Hooray . yep .. precisely what I'd be looking for, .. let's own it . that the dreaded "D" word is at play here ... .let's own it . and address what needs doing to effectively deal with it .. Hooray .. got that ground covered.
They (and in conjunction with that . her daughter and her son . who both haven't yet .. "internalized" as Barb put it . .that it is what it is) will all hang it on the hook of . "general anesthesia" and move on down the line to the next widget in line .. and not speak to it/answer to it ..
That's about how I predict my reality 101 of it all will go.
You don't get heard in these things . their agenda is to report their findings .. progress as they'd call it . and their goals . .and now . shake hands and dismiss you . and off you go and they bring in the next family (widget) to fix .. that's how it looks.
You had . for a long long time ... SIL coming here . yep .. every few months and spending here . about 3 weeks give or take and all the while dancing a jig with her toes spinning plates in the air and hamster wheels .. she didn't spend any "time" with her mom ... she was too busy pressure washing a deck and pulling weeds in the flower beds, and replanting sprigging grass .. and running off to buy the next whirligig or whatever .. down rabbit holes . in the false belief that one more whirligig .. that'd fix it all .. indeed that is the case. In fact, MIL used to complain that SIL would come here and run in every direction . when what she wanted was for her daughter to spend time with her .. visit with her, talk to her ..
I would express that to SIL . at the time and generally her response would fall along the lines of . "Well then why does she tell me that she needs this and that done . that's what I'm there for .. to help her .. I feel like that's what I need to do when I'm there .. I need to "help" her with all the things she can't do . and so I try to do all that I can while I'm there ... I do visit with her, we sit and have a bowl of cereal together, we talk .. what does she think we're doing as we sit and have breakfast or lunch ..
SIGH .. always busy running that hamster wheel in pressure washed driveways and decks and sprigged new grass . and whirligigs . not looking at .. spending "time" with a mother who is disappearing mentally as to her cognitive function.
DH for years and years . his role as Mr. FIXIT . he'd go fix the fence, the irrigation system, the toilet, the lightbulbs . whatever .. and be gone . or maybe on occasion he'd stick around a little while to "visit" but not routinely .. and with him .. you didn't hear complaint from MIL .. other than .. "I guess maybe if I go put my name on that list at his church .. maybe he'll come by here and spend some time with me" .. but she wouldn't really complain that he didn't "Sit and visit" .. because she seemed to have an awareness that he's "so busy".
He too, not spending "time" with her . to see that she was slipping mentally .. and physically.
Me ... I didn't do yard work, still don't .. not even in my own yard . I hate yard work .. I didn't fix toilets and light bulbs ..
I would generally go over there for years .. to go get her for doc appts.,, and/or answer to need as to illness/maladies . .and spend time there .. I wasn't at all outside pressure washing . or sprigging in new grass .. or pulling weeds, or changing light bulbs .. I was spending time with her, talking to her .. that was my role . take her to a doc appt . stop for lunch on the way back, some errands . and listening to her .. spending "Quality" time with her.
That is so so so .. IT ..........
Their roles .. all thru these years . have been to spin the plates in the air .. in broken toilets and dead weeds that need to be pulled. Mine was to visit her, spend time with her.
My "different eyes" tools included:
1. Dispensing totally with the parent/child viewpoint and seeing mom as a toddler... my charge. Really, the behavior is exactly like a bratty 3 year old - pouting, temper tantrums, fast mood changes and attempted silly manipulations when they don't get their way. (I hate you! I'm gonna run away and never see you again!) The roles have reversed. Period. I had to understand that.
2. I had to see this stage as a challenge. Another huge challenge that we all face in life. And rather than go with emotion, I constantly asked instead for strength. Strength to face this latest life challenge with as much grace and ease as possible. (I tried to see it all as soul growth.)
3. AND - keep in mind that this too will pass. That always helps me a lot.
I try even now to keep preparing for these same challenges in the future, as I rather expect to encounter them again with DH, and others in my family who I see facing more and more health challenges. (I'm on a crisis break at the moment - Yay) My mindset now is trying to stay as strong as I can for whatever the future throws my way, so I can help those I can, and face the challenges gracefully. (I see you, Dorker, as the strong one in your crew. This mindset may also help you like it did me, when dealing with the anger, which I had for sure.)
There is quite a bit to talk about at this meeting, mainly, what is Posh's plan, going forward, to keep MIL safe, hydrated, her BP high enough for her to be able to walk with a walker and able to toilet, dress and groom herself?
What are THEIR observations of her cognition and memory? What is their recommendation as to what level of care she needs going forward?
You don't get up until they've addressed why she was allowed to fall, become dehydrated twice, and sent to the hospital with no written orders for a transfusion. You don't leave the room until they present you with a plan for remediating the deficiencies in her care up until now and have a proper plan going forward.
You have to play hardball with these folks.