I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
This is going to be a hard, hard adjustment, it will be harder if the family keep trying to make it into something it isn't instead of working to tweak the system as it is.
Just wanted to add - nobody wants to get to that point where they need a nursing home, my mother had worked at one back in the 50's and I knew she was terrified of ending up there. Yeah, getting old isn't for sissies, neither is being a caregiver.
As to MIL’s (very normal sounding) comments, I have seen over and over with the number of cognitively impaired people in my life that those words roll out of them so easily and they sound so lucid. You know, they just want to do it themselves, they don’t want to be a bother, etc etc.
Since these are part of our normal conversational rhythm (or in some cases, are more of a creative, right-brained reflex to provoke a certain reaction), this type of language is retained far longer that more logical, left-brained stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I fully believe that my LO’s, in their right mind, truly wouldn’t want to be a bother/burden. It is hard and sad and I wish none of that had to happen to them
But reality and their words don’t line up. That dissonance can be very confusing. SIL and DH need to keep a list of MIL’s challenges. It is a HUGE help every time they start down crazy road of “is it us or is it her... does she really have any form of dementia... is she really THAT bad?”
It sounds to me like that is coming. MIL has time and energy to being a bit more “on” BECAUSE she is in such a controlled setting. Even with the difficulties at POSH, she has round the clock care. That makes a huge difference.
I wish I had time to go back through this thread. If it helps, here is a start, I know there is so much more. Maybe others can add to it. It can also be given to the dr when he does an assessment. Trying to remember all of the little and big things is so hard on the spot.
(Y’all can laugh at this... when ILs lived with us, we and others would sometimes say that they were still pretty sound physically. One day, I made a list. CHF, diabetes, stroke, walker use, incontinence, neuropathy/balance issues, the list goes on from there. And that was without any of the more dementia-specific pieces, altogether everything would fill an entire page of small type. (I even made a mind map of everything we were doing for them... another eye opener.) Not sure on what planet that string falls into the category of physically fit... it is obvious we were sleep-deprived:) At that point, when people would tell us that they were so “physically fit” for their age so they couldn’t be THAT much trouble. I had that list ready to go.)
Other people only see the surface and my LOs were cute little people who were well-dressed and clean (because of us). They hardly moved in front of others and when people came to visit, it was all talk of the past and rote social graces (a category in which comments such as “I just wanted to do it myself and I don’t want to put anyone out” fall under.)
So, the MIL list.
- Cannot keep medications straight, remember to take them or even remember what they are for
- Cannot get dressed daily
- Cannot do housework, pretty much of any kind
- Lots of repetition, lots of having the same “problems” over and over again requiring new “systems” to fix when the problem is really the brain (we are seeing it again as SIL is trying to find a talking drink reminder machine;)
- Forgets to eat (can she even really make food anymore regularly? She has had someone taking care of her for months and months now.)
- Major continence issues
- Even after rehab, likely to alternate between wheelchair and walker use
- Cannot pay bills, make lists (grocery, etc), sequence almost anything
- Call button use is a crapshoot at best
- CHF (List all of her other physical conditions)
I hope today goes better. I agree with, I think, CM who mentioned that more people to spread the love in a room may be a blessing in disguise. So if you have to go that route, could be a silver lining.
Also, your story is just reminding me of all of the things that most people are horrified by that I now barely see. The man sleeping in the chair, lol. I would actually see that as a sign of a decent facility...
continued above...
And, you could always make the transition to this purgatory as to the Medicaid Pending bed, and if a better option or opportunity comes available down the line, you could always make another move, though any transition is going to be hard. In my opinion, this place sounds like it may offer more personal attention than Posh.
MIL's not going to like any of these places. But it's just what it is, and what the options are.
Yes, it's sad. Getting old is sad. Getting old and being poor is even sadder.
But as the counselor pointed out to MIL the other day, she made choices that have consequences. The consequences were pointed out to her back in the day by her "other" son and daughter in law (who sound like two bright bulbs, if a bit odd) but she preferred to push the idea of aging down the road with a facelift and a reverse mortgage.
I hope the counselor she's seeing at posh can bring her to some level of acceptance. Maybe DH should pay him a visit as well.
Facilities try to give more of a “home feel” and that means people out in the living areas (it also helps them respond directly to needs, so they aren’t running back and forth to rooms constantly... more immediate care). Napping in the “living room” is pretty normal, and even MIL may cause some to question whether she is still breathing when she dozes, lol.
The sprawling, etc can be disconcerting to visitors. I think it is because we see it as a facility. Putting on the public face and all. But, since it is their home, it actually looks like a home would look... just add in more people with their own particular idiosynchracies.
I am not saying you don’t understand all of this... just that it made me laugh because now I can go into almost any facility and the “slumping” etc just doesn’t even draw my attention anymore. It is just their home and they are doing what they would be doing at home... there are just more of them at different stages (kind of like a family). It is overwhelming I think because there is so much deterioration or decline on display in one place. That makes it truly hard.
But, you get to know the people, greet them by name, laugh with them, etc. Again, silver lining. No one wants this, but there are bright patches here and there.
I hope you get more clarity today. The room choice thing will be hard. SIL and DH need to realize that this is a Medicaid situation. Choosy isn’t really an option, unless something is awful. They can express preference, but it is NOT worth losing the placement at a place that is decent. That is the real goal here.
GOOD GOOD AND GOOD. SIL needs to hear that. Over and over.
No, .. there isn't an alarm that can be set up to remind her to drink drink drink . .(maybe Alexa . I don't know . ). But .. the fact of the matter is .. it's on her to do it . and we know she's not gonna . not consistently . and ya know folks . this dehydrating thing . it ain't new . this has BEEN GOING ON ................. not just this stint with the broken hip.
Hell when she arrived there the first time with a UTI . she was dehydrated .. that had been in SIL's care ..
It's gonna happen with old folks .. it's part of being old and the brain no longer connecting the dots .. it just is. IT JUST IS.
She will dehydrate again and again and again and again and again! It will result in more UTI's . more delirium . more weakness/malaise .. more low BP .. etc etc etc. It just is part of being so old that one cannot manage. And also part of being old and unable to manage is that there is no one that is gonna sit with her to offer that water up . over and over .. as was the case when she was living alone and I kept saying that short of one us there, to hold her hand and pat it, .. and keep pushing hydration/nutrition .. it doesn't happen . she is NOT managing.
Even having her in a setting/facility is not gonna really speak to that, totally. It will help . .as staff . those who care to do so . we'll offer to see to it.. but not all will, not all around the clock, it simply is gonna be part and parcel of her life going forward .. to depend on her to hydrate herself . is an exercise in futility but that's not new. It has been that way.
SIL still looking for that magic whirligig . an alarm to remind her to drink. There is always, in SIL's magical world, a whirligig for whatever the problem is.
The damn Pedialyte .. why won't they give her Pedialyte (whirligig) .. because she has CHF . this has been talked about ad nauseum . come on outta the damn weeds SIL.
The damn wanting to haul her into Purgatory via the front entrance to "prettify" it all. MIL was hauled in . if she's to be taken at her word, .. so she says . .she was hauled into POSH . .where she is presently . past some slumpers . and she survived it .. it didn't send her into the edge of an abyss of insanity and despair ..
Whirligigs. Haul her in the back way . can they do that?
What a stupid question to even post to SW Jessica. Waste of time ..
If that's a concern of yours . then knock yourself out, call Purgatory and ask em, .. I don't work for Purgatory .. I don't know how they do things . you're wasting my time to even ask that question.
And interesting list there. So ironic that was brought up. Back several several months ago, when I was trying to make SIL see/own it . that her mom does not manage . and I was stepping off .. and I had begged for some face time with her, .. at that time she was here .. local .. and at that time, SIL was not on that page . she was on the page . "She'll manage".
I had made a list much the same .. to present to her, and did so . in an effort to show her .. all of MIL's maladies . even down to the simple .. the visits to dermo . for skin cancers . even the lowly podiatrist for the bunion or whatever on the bottom of her foot . even inclusive of the visits to the eye doc for exams on the histio issues . the neuro for the neuropathy . and stroke . the cardio . the PCP .. all of it . made a list .. and also listed all that it entails . as to rx's and follow up care
It filled two pages .. it was hand written . but it was on lined notebook paper, two pages full . of all that is necessary as to attending to her ..
SIL took it, looked at it, read through it all . confirming/acknowledging what was written there . indeed.
I think it astounded even me . once I put pen to paper and made a list of it all .. no damn wonder I can't keep doing it.
Fortunately .. SIL very very very much on the page of realization at this point her mom's needs are way above any of our skill level . and energy level to keep attending to . fortunately she's there. Firmly.
Maybe she'll never ever get past her want for whirligigs and prettification of it all .. maybe that's so deeply ingrained it will never wane.
I have urged DH to talk to the doc about an anti depressant for himself, urged that he talk to the pastor . talk to a counselor .. and I keep doing so . he's gonna need it.
It's gonna get a lot uglier . it just is.
Where she is going . to Purgatory .. (although I'm over here on the page of .. hell she doesn't ever leave her room any way . opting not to have to be with *those people* . what the h377 difference does it make). . But .. when he goes to visit her at Purgatory .. he is gonna have to have a box of kleenex at his disposal if it brings him to tears to even talk about it (and this is not a man I've known to be a crier . ever, in fact, quite the opposite . but this whole thing . routinely chokes him up). It's gonna get a lot uglier .. and he has no steel armor anywhere to put on ..
But I guess in the magical unicorns and flying monkies their mom had them sold on ... forever . he somehow is still on the sorrow page of it all. And can't move past it.
It annoys me. I'm sorry . maybe I'm just cold hearted/cruel .. I don't know. I know it's hard .. I KNOW ................... but damnit . that doesn't mean it is somehow gonna be flying monkeys here . and none of this will have to be .. this isn't a bad dream that you're gonna wake up from.
SIL and her whirligigs . like the other day when we were in the depths of the dehydration issue and her having mentioned she needs to run to Walgreens for some of that bio something or other mouth spray .. for her mom who complained of dry mouth .. and my responding to that, "you do and I pour it out on your head . she doesn't need bio ? spray for her dry mouth she needs to drink SIL".
SIL: "yea your'e right".
her and the damn whirligigs. Enough!
You don't know it won't work until try it and at this stage of things you all are going to have to think out of the box.
The smaller home care facility will help monitor her daily intake, they don't want UTIs popping up all the time to bring mayhem to the facility.
You will never get better care than she received at the hands of her daughter, so try to keep expectations realistic or you guys will be in crisis mode all the time. There are no guarantees, but everyone does the best they can to protect their patients. Time to shift to the new future of MIL being in a facility that will help her get her meds on time, proper nutrition, socializing when she wants, clean bedding, briefs and clothes, someone to wait on her hand and foot.
I had suggested, and I may still do it ...
MIL loves loves loves .. when we'd go to that favorite seafood dive .. she loves a good margarita .. salt and all.
Can we find a Mylar balloon of a margarita . and tie it off to the end of her bed . and maybe that would be a reminder to drink drink. It's not gonna be a Margarita . but .. maybe it would work.
This. This is exactly how I felt, lol.
It creeps up, all of the care, until it overwhelms you. Then, it is an emergency. To the people doing the caregiving.
Not to the Medicaid people, or the rehab people, or the hospital people, or the SNF/MC people. To them, none of it is an emergency. Another piece of this that is so, so hard.
And, Dorker, you are NOT cold-hearted. You are still the kind and loving person you were at the beginning of all of this. You just KNOW MORE now. You are educated, you understand the realities of the situation (which are hard and mysterious to the uninitiated.) And you have been sucked dry, so the emotion you could be giving to guilt etc has been used up. SIL is getting there... still not arrived, but getting there. As you said, DH has a long way to go.
Last night, DH and I were talking about the situation with my brother. I was wondering about my ahem “pragmatic” approach to him and whether that was an indicator of an ice core forming in my soul, lol, especially in light of my faith. He reminded me that I am NEVER cruel. I may compartmentalize and be brisk, but kindness is a thread that runs through interactions always.
Hearing that from him keeps me going. So I am saying it to you. You may FEEL like you aren’t being all you would like to be in this situation (no one is or can be). But, you gave many years to her care. Even when you stepped back, you did so kindly. You have always loved on her. You are supporting in an appropriate and meaningful way now.
It IS frustrating. You do need to vent. Especially because you don’t want to be cruel to your loved ones. Venting here allows you to help DH and SIL without destroying your relationships.
You have many on this site who are excellent sounding boards. But even here, you are taking advice and incorporating it. You aren’t just b—-ing. You have worked on your own circumstances. I’ll bet you are not just a better DIL, but a better wife, mom, friend, grandma, volunteer, etc for it.
There’s your pep talk this morning. Here’s a smack on the rump... I’ll bet you are totally inspired now. Lolol.
I do find that my kick in the rump from myself is to remind myself, .. "at least SIL is there .. F.I.N.A.L.L.Y. .. there is no persuading her . not that I would even entertain doing so . that this path is not necessary . she's there". So kick myself in the rump .. with the acknowledgement that while it's frustrating dealing with her and her want for whirligigs always .. to answer to the ever present deep need .. and a whirligig that will fix it .. this . fix that fix this .. fix that .. it's frustrating .. and pulling her out of the weeds of it all .. I do have to remind myself . and that better centers me .. that she is there. F.I.N.A.L.L.Y.
Maybe in some ways it's fortunate that DH . dealing with him . he is not mired in it all, as has always been the case with him. That has been approach always . and it will never change. He is doing what DH does . he is working and going about his life .. in fact .. some friend of his wanting him to go turkey hunting tomorrow (yuk . who wants a turkey from out in the wild .. I'll eat turkey but I want one from the grocery freezer).
Maybe there is merit in the fact he has never been one to mire in all of this and that continues to this day. And that kick in the pants from myself in the realization that he has even turned down .. at church . at present . a couple of opportunities for hats they'd of liked him to wear . and actually speaking up himself, that he cannot . at this point take on more there .. due to his mom's circumstance. And so . remembering that . there has been improvement there, kicking myself in the rump of that realization.
Maybe if he were mired in it all, . he'd be not able to function at all . so despondent in the sorrow it brings in him. But somehow . he keeps on keeping on .. doing what DH does .. and . maybe in that .. it's a good thing .. in the end. Since he doesn't seem to be able to shake off the despair it all brings.
Something very telling from yesterday's visit there.
SIL and myself .. (I didn't see this . .I heard about it later). SIL said when she arrived there to POSH (I came later) .. she saw MIL sitting in the wheelchair by her bed .. and lo and behold what was she doing .. "SLUMPING". She . no tv on .. no book . nothing .. slumping . just .. sitting with her head hung . slumping.
SIL walks in on this site . asks her mom, "Don't you want the tv on . let me turn on the tv?". MIL not really all that responsive . doesn't care .. etc. SIL handing her one of the books/magazines shes' brought there, .. "Wouldn't you like to maybe glance thru this magazine some". Not a lot of response from MIL, doesn't care one way or the other.
MIL then says to SIL: "Ya know . you talk about those slumpers . that's . that's me .. I sit here sometimes when none of you are here . and that's me .. I sit here in a stupor . just slumped over and that's fine . lost in my own thoughts".
SIL telling me this later ..
I thought to myself of the posters here . who've said of it all . that we sometimes don't look at their reality as they live their lives .. we only see them when they are "up" . we're there to visit .. so they're "up" .. talking/engaging. What do they do when no one is there, .. probably much the same as other slumpers . they slump . they sleep .. stuck in a stupor of their own thoughts/reality.
Yep!
Even MIl said as much to SIL yesterday.
I can see I myself like that. If I'm clean and comfortable, maybe some time with my memories is fine.
In my experience, we also get more tired as time goes on. It's harder to be "up" and engaged with people.
What a day! I tried to keep track as I sit here and do bills and morning office stuff--and I read all the posts...
For good and for 'bad'..
You FINALLY have MIL where she NEEDS to be and has NEEDED to be since you began posting. There's is ZERO chance she is going back to her home. You no longer have to worry about her there alone. THAT has to be one huge load off the mind, whether it's acknowledged or not.
You got the POA signed and other necessary documents signed?! That's HUGE. It kind of got lost in the minutiae of the meeting being all about keeping her hydrated. Isn't that sad, that your life kind of comes down to whether you are DRINKING water or not. Something you just have been doing all your life without giving it a real thought. And now your world seems to SPIN on it.
I can see the concern from all sides. MIL wants 'princess treatment and accommodations' but she has 'peasant' level funding. Meaning she doesn't really have much of a choice in the whole matter. Her poor choices 10, 20 years ago are NOT your fault, nor responsibility.
I do feel also that the SW probably WAS a little miffed. Medicaid is for the indigent, and they don't know how you got that way--and yes, they work with folks who have absolutely NOTHING--MIL comes across as a real prima donna and that has to sit poorly.
I do agree that a quad setting for her would be awful FOR THE OTHER 3 PATIENTS. Everyone is so flippin' worried about MIL's tender feelings, but she can be bitter, angry and biting. I wouldn't submit anyone I loved to sharing a room with her. The "adjustment period" would be horrible.
But, sounds like she isn't going to have as many choices as previously thought--and that is pretty typical. Don't PLAN on a semi private, and if you get one, great. Rooming in a NH is very flexible.
I know it would be beyond mean, and I wouldn't do it--but to take a photo of her 'slumping' and showing it to her--well, it would make her feel awful--like the first time mother saw a photo of herself "chasing" after her walker, bent over so her head was almost touching the top rail of the walker---she was in tears knowing this was how she looks now.
SIL sure comes across as a dim cookie at times. I mean to be rude, but she is so hell-bent on getting MIL back to..what? 50? that she cannot see the truth. She needs to blame every deficit of MIL's on the most recent 'incident'. And yes, that's what's taking her down, so slowly. All these "fixers", the lowered bed (which BTW is REALLY hard for a hip replacement patient to have to get UP from) the safety measures--she's never going to be happy until MIL has the kind of 24/7 care that she herself gave-and that is never going to happen.
Hard to feel too sorry for DH. Yup, have a little emotion and then go shoot some poor turkeys. SMH. Well, there's not actually much he can do--just go visit, and since he has ALWAYS run away when things get hairy, to take off for a weekend when his mother is so unhappy and in need, is pretty typical. I don't see you and SIL going for a spa weekend. Just saying. My DH would be absolutely the same.
Well--you are making progress and sounds like you kept your monkey in her seat. Now it's just time and healing and compliance. Actually, I would feel like it's waiting for the other hip to go. (I'm a bit of a fatalist).
As far as the incredible list of drs and issues that MIL has spent ages chasing--at this point in the game, I think you can sit down with ONE dr and see how many of these are TRULY NECESSARY and how many are "fluff". As many as can be dealt with in the NH would be great.
FWIW--I think POSH was playing a catch up game of CYA over the water issue and the feces hands--if they had even walked near her room, they would have smelled it. That's a quick fib on their part. However, we don't know how many times she had summoned the nurses that night already...
Proud of you for being tough!
499HopeFloats:
"It is overwhelming I think because there is so much deterioration or decline on display in one place. That makes it truly hard."
YES! Visiting my mother's NH is exhausting emotionally, and I think you hit the nail on the head as to why. It is so sad, and I'm sure that in the back of the minds of many who visit is the thought, "I hope *I* don't end up in a NH!"
Kimber166:
"I am wondering if SW Jessica looked annoyed a few times because reality is - Medicaid patients are not really paying customers - they are government charity cases. YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE."
I'm glad you wrote this, because I have been thinking this, too. MIL will be getting free care from the taxpayers. Does she realize this? Does SIL realize this? Did SIL ever hear the saying, "Beggars can't be choosers"? Why is MIL so special that she can't be in a quad? She made her choices years ago that brought her to this point.
And the demand that MIL not be brought in where she might see "slumpers." ?! I'm sure SW Jessica showed a great deal of restraint, actually. Does SIL also think that MIL is too "good" to be amongst the "slumpers"? I know she prattles on about how her mother would be "upset," but does SIL secretly think MIL is also too good to be amongst the "slumpers"?
Is H actually going hunting this weekend?
One more thing -- when you make the list of MIL's many needs/requirements, make sure you make a good list of the ADLs that she can't do without assistance. The major ADLs (self-feeding, not cooking, for example).
Here is the list of major ADLs as defined by my mother's LTC insurance company. Be prepared to list which ADLs MIL needs assistance with, and what kind of assistance (stand-by or hands-on).
Ambulation, Bathing, Continence, Dressing, Eating, Toileting, Transferring.
They seem to be big on .. all of them .. the whole notion that we don't know how much of her decline is in the general anesthesia .. and time will tell that story.
If they would listen to me, and I really in the end, feel that they have . (but it still carries more weight what the pros see/experience) .. her ADL's ..
She can't dress without assistance-hasn't for a long time. (I take that back, she lives in PJ's . and those . before hip break . she was changing on her own)
She hasn't cooked for a long time, maybe a year or more, even before then, it was simple things like a scrambled egg or maybe a serving of grits .. that's about how much she could accomplish cooking, maybe a year ago . since then, she can't even do that
She can feed herself, . as long as what she is eating doesn't require a buzz saw to open packets and foil lids and such. And cutting of meats. So, some assistance needed there, . at least with institutional type settings. At home wouldn't be handed a packet of salt/pepper that has to be torn open .. one wouldn't be handed an applesauce with a foil lid that has to be peeled back, or a carton of milk that takes an engineer to open it .. but in the settings she will be in, yes . .she will need help.
SIL was helping her with bathing before they even got back here from IL, so help needed there.
Toileting, transferring, ambulating .. all ... at present . needs maximum help.
Some of the above . if one is going to take their approach to it all . as they work with PT/OT .. then .. they are looking for improvement to be seen.
Even if they brought her back to baseline before hip break . some of the above she needed help with. Some of it won't come back . not even to baseline, I suspect. But nobody and I mean n.o.b.o.d.y. is ready to hang anything on her capabilities at this point .. not yet. Very very much they are on a page of seeing where rehab takes her, as to assessments.
And yes, .. it's the taxpayer dime that is funding her future setting and I do have a keen realization that "beggars can't be choosers". That's how it goes.
For SIL and MIL to delude themselves with any other notion is foolish. I think they would try to sell you .. "Well she does realize that . she realizes she can't have a private room!, she's gonna have to share a room with a room mate, she doesn't even wanna do that, but she realizes she has no choice".
They have about 17 days to work their magic in rehab, if discharge is indeed going to be April 15. I'm just saying to be very sure that MIL can actually do the things they say she can do, because you don't want her in another setting where it is presumed that she can do more than she actually can do.
She is not going home . on that we all agree. Even 5 mins in her home, it would take a stick of dynamite to blast her outta there, that's not gonna happen for her.
Home is no longer an option on the table for consideration by ANYONE.
Even before she broke her hip .. particularly/specifically . as regards Fancy Pants and SIL's fervent desire that her mom land there as her permanent new home .. their requirement . one has to dress daily . and report for meals . in the dining area. And no . there is no help with doing that daily .. not for "Fancy Pants" . .not what they do there.
I had said, even then . "okay SIL . we want her to go there, splendid . let's see her dress daily . even now . begin doing it . she hasn't done that for a couple of years . opting to live in PJ's daily . .and that's fine . live in PJ's if ya want . .but . not in FP you can't .. so do it now . have her do it now, daily . dress .. every day".
Nope . wasn't happening. Even though we all talked to MIL that we found this great place and they require X, Y and Z .. and so start doing it now . to show you can do it.
Nope. Didn't happen. Knew it wouldn't. She can't. It's too much. That was her baseline even before she broke her hip.
I doubt seriously that anyone is gonna be pulling the wool over anyone's eyes with, "She dresses now, all on her own". Don't see it happening. She wasnt' doing that even before she broke her hip . and she's way way far gone from what baseline was before the broken hip even.
You do realize, don't you, that you've accomplished what you set out to do?!
YAAAAAAAAY Dorker!
You REALLY should write a book!
There's gotta be an easier "how to" than what has been lived here.
It could be called A Tragedy of Errors.
Do make allowances for different standards when it comes to pass/fail. E.g. with "Can the person dress herself?" - answers ranging from don't be ridiculous to yes, not a problem - I noticed that the OT's definition of "yes" - skewiff buttons 'n' all - was not mine. I would have put my loved one down as "yes, with help."
I wouldn’t have a problem with the quad room. Maybe there will be one among the 4 capable of using the Nurse call button.
I wouldn’t want to miss the opportunity for a Medicaid/pending bed.
The visuals I get when I think of SIL getting throttled and her being lost in the weeds are pretty funny. These would need to be illustrated in the book.
FIL needs to be in a nursing home in a Medicaid bed. Kids have agreed on this since December.
I really think they don’t know what questions to ask, when they have the progress report meetings. No one has even started the process of getting him moved to a nursing home. No one has started the Medicaid application. FIL has basically given up I think. No motivation to get better. Prefers to lay in bed all day. He’s Back in the hospital, we were first told it was pneumonia but it’s actually a UTI. I think the hospital wants him gone because they don’t take Medi-cal and he’s a Medi-cal patient.
If he comes home, no one but me knows what we are in for. Someone is going to put their life on hold to care for him. He’s going to run the household, whoever becomes caregiver will have to see to it that he is taken care of and his needs are met before they can do anything else. These 3 kids are absolutely clueless about it!
We need your book LOL!!! We are at a standstill and I feel like we are going to go in circles. Hospital to rehab to hospital round and round again!
As far as 4 beds to a room, I don’t blame SIL for not wanting that. Even if the taxpayers are footing the bill, 4 to a room is not ideal. Like I mentioned earlier, we had to walk through the SNF to get to the rehab wing and I saw a few rooms with 4 beds! 4 names on the wall! Also saw private rooms and rooms with 2 people. I wonder if MIL can take a bed in the room with 3 others and then be moved to a double room later? Maybe SIL could get her in a wait list or something?
I kind of hope DH does not get a turkey. My dad used to go turkey huntin' and they always seemed tough. [my mom hated cooking his huntin' results - so often burned the ducks and charred the pheasants etc]
So in addition to all of DH's other hobbies we can add MIL pity partyin'
Have a good weekend - get thee to a spa for a facial and massage, get a manicure and pedicure. Take care of your self and treat yourself for once. You are the strong sturdy piece holding it all up.
At the beginning of this process, it was assumed that she would be going to AL. Getting Medicaid NH funding is (at least in my state) a different process. SIL would do well to consult with Jessica SW about this.
Add in to that MIL will require daily visits and "help" of some kind--even when SIL returns to FL, she is going to expect much the same level of care and concern. Dorker, you're going to have to 'exit' all over again.
I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that more than one person has witnessed some of MIL's outcries and has thought "OMgosh, don't let that screamer in with MY mother." I know the family's way of thinking just autocorrects itself to MIL being the victim.
Yes, patients can be moved around. People don't live lengthy lives in NH's. People don't always get along well--or don't try. She really, sadly, does not have much to say in that. I wonder how much of that she really understands?
My mother's less than 2 day stay in her NH--she was roomed with a sweet, practically deaf woman. Thank goodness. A lot of drama went down and she sweetly ignored it, as she could not hear it.
I think you're going to have to jump the minute they have an opening.
Is this placement meant to be "the one" as in this is where MIL will reside for the forseeable future? No plans to upgrade or return home?
This whole post from June '17 to now has just saddened me and scared me into pushing my DH to make plans for our 'aging'. I absolutely DO NOT want what MIL has....
....and all for a lack of planning and an ego the size of Florida.
I would never ever be so violent:)