I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Need some Geritol!
No, Purgatory site not intended to be forever home. Transition in fact. Maybe, depends on rehab and how much recovery is attained or not. Purgatory could become permanent.
Final destination, strong front runner is "we are family". Reason being their philosophy to try to hang onto and meet the needs as need increases in those they accept.
We are Family bills itself as AL not SNF or MC. But again.. their philosophy to hang onto and continue servicing those they admit. It is in fact AL but looking at the population there ... there are certainly a more than
Small segment that are beyond AL need. Obvious some they've hung onto as need increased.
As Barb mentioned ...NH care/funding via Medicaid has to be substantiated medically.
If MIL gets thru her stint at Purgatory fit for ...even We are Family's version of AL ... She will be qualified for AL funding. Conversely .. if she gets thru Purgatory and is deemed medically to need SNF that will be the funding.
Its determined by medical need.
And as to when the home has to be given back ... she vacates the home for any 12 month period, home goes back to the bank. So it's coming. And a whole host of other questions SIL and I now have as regards that path in all this. Requesting a meeting with para legal to go over some questions we have.
One of many questions... can't believe we forgot to cover this question. MIL's 2003 Camry. We sell it on her behalf ...???... do what with the $. She can't have any more than $2k in assets and qualify for Medicaid. That she will already have as leftover proceeds from RM.
So you sell her car ... get $1k ... whatever for it. She can't have more than $2k ... do what eith the proceeds of the sale of that vehicle?
Give the car to YD? Medicaid wants to know .. and questions any gift more than $500. YD's car is actually newer than is MIL's but also a LOT higher mileage on YD's car .. so ... give it to her if she wants It? But what does that do as to "gifting in remuneration higher than $500?
We don't know.
Another question we are unclear on .. at some point MIL's SS income will divert to pay for (in addn to whatever Medicaid kicks in) .. her SS check will begin going to pay for where she lands.
So ...???.... paying expenses at MIL's house.. til it's emptied and given back to the bank ... that gets done how? Us all paying It? Her trust that will be set up...??... or is trust only allowable as to medical expense? Her light Bill, her h/o insurance, property taxes (though those won't be due again until November and by then the bank should have it back) her yard service, cable tv, home/land line, etc.
As we work to empty the house ... yea turn off land line, cable tv, but still gunna have a light bill there, a yard svc Bill... that gets paid how? Us? Trust acct?
Have some questions for para legal ...
or irrevocable burial trust...
her bills...
whatever you do, my understanding is the money has to be used for her needs, AND it has to be used in the same calendar month it is received. Verify with your attorney, of course.
i.e. Sell car early April, use $ to pay attorney bill before April 30.
Hope that helps a little:)
SIL mentioning in that meeting, referring to MIL's monthly bills, etc. She mentioned a cc that has a small balance, from a car repair. Atty said (I think he said) "don't pay it". SIL "don't pay It? It's a small balance, should we just pay it off?". Atty: no don't pay it.
Somehow the subject changed and that never got extrapolated on. Need some clarity.
So cc's just get defaulted on? I don't think she has but maybe 2 cc's and both with nominal balances. And I get It, she's not going to be needing a good credit score ... but ... just default on paying them? Seems so counter to anything I've ever known.
You're Granny's loyal visitor and nothing else.
https://www.elderlawanswers.com/should-my-mother-stop-paying-her-credit-card-debt-now-that-she-is-in-a-nursing-home-and-on-medicaid-15715
Dorker, truly, leave this alone. If you put your toe in, SIL will be texting you to ring up the lawyer every 10 minutes. She and her brother need to learn to work together to figure this out.
Maybe when she goes home in May, and comes back, she drives her car here for use of a car as we then work to finalize things with the house.
Or, rent a car for the few months she'll be back here again.!!! I dunno
The atty has been paid, as has MIL's final burial expenses (cremation, paid for long ago).
So H has gone hunting for the weekend? Dorker, how do you feel about that? Wasn't he so sick just two days ago that he couldn't go to the meeting at POSH? I could be wrong (and I hope I am), but it seems as if he's starting to step back from MIL issues now. He probably feels confident that SIL and you can take care of things. Once SIL departs for IL, he'd better realize that YOU are not steppin' and fetchin' for all things MIL. Will it take a retraining for him to recognize your boundaries?
Oh, and BTW, his MIL pity partyin' (love that term for H's new hobby, Kimber166!) is NO excuse for not being involved. Seeing his mother in a facility is just too sadddd for him that he has to shed tears? Oh, please! This will be his way of avoiding it all, so see if you can head this nonsense off right from the beginning.
I wonder if given the choice of a facility in FL but Poochy gone to IL with SIL or MIL in a facility in IL with access to Poochy, would she prefer to be in IL? Just how interested has MIL been in Poochy since she's been hospitalized or in POSH? Has this choice ever been put to MIL? She always assumed that if she insisted on going back to FL, that she would end up just where she wanted -- in her home with Poochy (and she didn't care how her needs would be met in that setting, because, after all, this is where she would be HAPPIEST!).
DH On phone with his mom who reported she'd pushed nurse button and no one ever came. Needed toileting help. She ended up ... so she tells DH peeing in her diaper ... no choice... no one came (who knows if she actually pushed nurse button and several times as she told DH).
I asked of DH... have they come in to clean her up. Answer .. she's still waiting.
I could have prompted him to action .. call the nurse desk DH. Could have done that myself... notified SIL to do so.
I did none of the above. My thinking ... surely she did push nurse button but who really knows ...
If not ... that needs to be seen by staff ... and her stating to them that she did so .. when perhaps in reality she never did.
I left it alone.
She is ... in her journey forward .. sad as it is... going to be left at times ..not with 1 on 1 care, 24/7
If she is in fact navigating as she should be in notifying staff (not sure) .. then let her raise her hackles with them that they never came.
Let staff sort this out. When SIL leaves if she cares to blow up phone at nurse desk from afar ... Have at it.
I won't be doing so and DH obviously saw no need to shoot up flares.
As to Poochy. He's been brought to POSH a few times. For the most part .. the timing of those visits ...MIL at a stage of various peripheral issues ongoing on all this ... too low BP ...dehydrated, too low hemoglobin .. etc.
Her enthusiasm to see and enjoy Poochy hampered by above.
DO I think MIL would if now given the choice... have stayed in IL for placement. No ... I don't think so. To hear her talk of it "those Midwesterners aren't like us" .... "it's too cold there" and a host of other complaints about life in IL.
Even the loss of precious Poochy ... maybe not impetus enough she shoulda stayed in IL. Particularly given the factor she's been to sidelined with all this to even enjoy him. Truly has been.
DH did not go hunting .. hasn't been to doc.. against my urging to the contrary .. but doesn't feel up to it to go hunting... fighting whatever it is ailing him ... I think maybe a sinus infection, not sure. He's here .. to help with grands this wknd
I didn't begrudge him going had he seen fit to do so... we all need our therapy... an escape ... his is to get out into the woods. Hasn't been able to for weeks as all this has played out ..between working and going to visit his mom .. the woods/hunting.. off the radar for several weeks.
Had he gone .. I would've been fine with it.
Good boundaries maintained about not stepping in when MIL complained to H about having to pee in her diaper. If H didn't think this issue merited a call to the nurses station, it's not that important.
I keep thinking ahead to what will happen once SIL is back in IL, which is in May, right? All of MIL's complaints about what the facility didn't (or did) do will go to him? And if he doesn't answer his phone (which he doesn't often do),then she will call SIL, who will then attempt to light a fire under the locals to meet MIL's supposed "need." You don't want to be anywhere in that telephone tree!
It's never too soon to delete your cellphone number from MIL's list of contacts in her phone, Dorker!
•DH too ill to attend family meeting.
•MIL attended the family meeting and SHOWTIMED like an old pro.
•POSH missed MIL’s poo hands because the timing of MIL’s episode did not jive with their so-called check-ins every so-called 2-3 hours. (Dorker: Some people and some institutions get paid to lie. You know this right??)
•Newsflash, everyone: MIL isn’t the first Medicaid PrimaDonna that SW has encountered. And she won’t be the last. For SW, this is all just “another day at the office.”
•SIL worried about which entrance “they” will use when MIL is deposited at Purgatory.
Woo-wee. The more things change, the more things stay the same.
For you, Dorker, guard your boundaries like Fort Knox.
Upcoming realities:
•MIL will be a personality disaster - wherever she ends up
•MIL will be a physical disaster - wherever she ends up
•SIL will return to Illinois
•DH will alternate between playing the Sad Card and the Busy Card from now until his mother is 6-feet under. And then some.
I wish I had something hopeful to say. But hope in in short supply here.
MIL is at the convergence of “return on investment” (literally & figuratively) and Every 90-Something’s Inevitable Decline.
Dorker, keep your blinders on and your phone off. This is sad 10 different ways. No arguing that. Also - no fixing that.
DH and SIL need to band together and work together. And - they may never figure this out. But they won’t have a chance, if they have the option of defaulting to their favorite interpreter (you) and their favorite schlepper (you).
Big hugs, Dorker. 💗💗 It’s no fun being the only one with a clear head! Hang in there.
So did SIL get a call to intervene for MIL? Do you think she is somehow trying to undermine her own care by deliberately 'acting' as if she can't do these skills? (push the nurse call button). There's no good for her in doing that. And if she's so addled she's pushing some other button and wondering why nobody comes...well, at this point, her mental acuity is not great. DH did right by not calling the desk and telling them--that, for one thing, is a one way ticket to nowhere. The staff there will very quickly get sick of MIL's family butting in.
I'm remembering an elderly person mother shared a room with briefly, in the hospital. She's THINK she was buzzing for the nurse, endlessly, and finally my mom called for one and she came in and said "Heavens! Do you ladies want the TV up so loud?" Been hitting the volume button.
MIL is just too used to SIL's constant, neverending care. (Read the very first post in this thread). She's spent the last, what. 6+ mo shoring MIL up. MIL is never going to have that kind of care again.
Also, her perception of time is probably really 'off'. She may well have hit that call button repeatedly, but depending on the setup at the nursing station...it may only register the first call, not all the follow ups. Don't know. Probably be good to know b/c next time you visit you are going to get and earful of complaints.
Maybe it's time to bring that high quality 5 lb box of chocolates to the nursing station with a thank you card for them. No bribe at all, simply a huge thanks to the people who are doing the hardest job ever.
So glad you have an atty on board. My son is one and I have used him many times and he knows stuff you wouldn't even think to do/say/plan for.
Hoping for smoother sailing and better days ahead. You fought so hard for this--better care for MIL.
Have a nice weekend with those kiddoes!
Even when she was in IL and had a personal call device, she was unable to activate it when she fell because she said she didnt want to press "too hard". And ring loudly?? We never figured that out.
When she got to the NH, after her stroke, she often pressed the button that controlled the bed instead of the call button.
But the picture I have in my head - two old gals in their NH room. TV is blasting while one is being folded up and down into her hospital bed - all the while the other one yelling loudly to hear herself over an episode of The Golden Girls - “Where the hell is that frickin’ nurse?”
Just cracks me up!!!
My father at 88, was in rehab after hip surgery, at a "good" nursing home. At night there was one woman, a nurse I think, who was responsible for the 10 rooms on the wing he was on. At least that is what she told us - that she was alone on that wing at night.
There were one or 2 people to a room, mostly very old and not able to get around by themselves. Getting any one of them to the bathroom or taking care of accidents took a long time.
I was told by some of their relatives that often one would be left sitting on the toilet for quite a while. There was a string by the toilet that they could pull for help but help was often a long time in coming. I did find my dad on in that situation one time. He said he had pulled it a couple of times but nobody came.
His mind was sharp so I did believe him.
There was also a nurse's station on that floor, usually with one person behind the counter. I just remember thinking that even 10 people required so much care that it seemed like they needed more hired help.
There was one other nursing home in the area and it was rumored to be not as good.
The family-type place was much much better about response time, maybe because there were far fewer residents.
I would almost bet $ the answer is no. Even the nurse expressed to SIL at one point "ya know she forgets to use the nurse button"
Ya think?
There's a difference though in approaches.
Mine: let's hope she is doing so, if not, the staff need to realize just how much decline there is in her capability to reach out appropriately. That's not going to get as recognized if "family" are constant at the ready to do her bidding on her behalf. There's a reason she needs round the clock care. This was problematic even before she was hauled off to IL. Lack of ability at follow thru. Seen even then.
Short of ...as they mentioned "if you'd like to hire someone to assist her 24/7".
Thats the very reason that hasn't been done. No one can be there 24/7 nor do our pocketbooks dictate that ability.
The above defines my way of looking at it
Sil: she gets wind of the scenario at hand, she's on the phone trying to track down a nurse (and who knows if MIL actually even reached out) and SIL now burning up the phone line to track down a nurse and usually unsuccessful in doing so .. which then starts it's own fire drill.
Its a shame it all comes to this ... in a perfect world, each elderly could have their own loving attentive c'giver around the clock.
How's that gunna get funded.
The reality is .. it can't be. Not a perfect world.
No one is going to give MIL the 1 on 1 attention she's grown accustom to. Not even SIL can keep doing it.
I guess in SIL's view .. housing her in a facility, paid staff on site, equates to 1 on 1 for every need, on the spot.
Doesnt equate that way in my view. Staff on site yes .. but numerous patients per staff ratio ... means somebody is gunna be waiting...
Reality
So, I imagine most “care” facilities are in the same short staffed boat.
In truth, there will be times when the staff is dealing with other patients.
However, I do recall viisting my mother once - her telling me she needed to use the bathroom. Bathrooming was a line in the sand for me - I figure I do enough of that at home with Rainman. Plus - three back surgeries leave me restricted to a 10lb. lifting limit.
Anyhoo - I push the nurse button and we wait. And we wait. And we wait. Eventually, I go to find someone. I found them. A good size group of staff shooting the breeze in the break room.
The thing I’ll never understand is - when they can get to a patient in a timely manner - why they don’t. It’s gotta be easier to help someone to the toilet than it is to completely change a persons Depends - possibly their pants and to do the cleaning up aftermath.
If I was at nh l would ring the bell for mom. And then go up and down the hallway to get he next available aide.
I have no idea if the wait times were onerous when we weren't there. I assume not. As mom didn't complain.
I too would go on the hunt.
I am wondering whether or not she is actually pressing that call button firmly enough to make it work, though.
This is the way it is in facilities. MIL and SIL will just have to accept it. If SIL doesn't like it, there is always the option of becoming MIL's 24/7 slave again or hiring a private caregiver for POSH.
Hope you're enjoying your weekend with the grandkids, Dorker! Hope H gets to feeling better, so he can be "on" with regards to his mother for this week's "POSH Tales"!
P.S. Another illustration for the book will have to be the laundry instructions for MIL's wonky washing machine setup.
Yesterday SIL went to see MIL (she goes every day I think) .. and yesterday sounded to me like it was an okay day .. they did get her up . and with a gait belt or whatever their called . and the walker, SIL walking along behind with wheelchair, out into the hall way and back. That sounds astoundingly good ..
The toileting continues to be a problem .. in that .. she's in diapers .. she says she calls . they don't come . wet diaper. Now however, as of today . chitapalooza ongoing . and so that too . in the diaper . and I guess elsewhere .. that's as of today .. who knows why. Nausea .. also .. as of today . .but seemingly only when upright.
Today was a bad bad bad day for her. Down . depressed .. really sounding like someone who just wants to give up. Her words, to SIL: "I just don't know that I can fight back from this, not this time, I've fought back from so much .. but this time, I don't think I'm going to be able to do it .. and fight back for what ..??... my life isn't going to be at all what I want .. my home gone, my dog (she's also asked SIL not to bring the dog anymore, hurts too much, and the room is too small), my life as I knew it, gone . fight back for what?".
DH and SIL both .. they both "get it" that she'd feel that way.
But as DH asked .. "what is she just gives up and quits eating and drinking . what then?".
I answered, "Well for one thing she'll be bed ridden for however long she has .. nothing she has is terminal per se . not imminently anyway . and so .. she'd spend whatever her time left here .. bed ridden . and the problems with that then ensue".
He asked, "does she go home, do they throw her outta there if she won't eat, and stuff?".
Me: "I don't know .. I mean .. I guess they could . if she got to where she was refusing sustenance and not able to participate in PT .. but .. she can't go home . there's no one at home that can take care of her . .hell they don't even do that great a job of taking care of her in a facility . there's damn sure nobody at home skilled enough to do it".
DH: "What about Hospice .. can she go to a hospice place?".
Me: "I don't know that's something you all can all talk about if you want .. I don't think they'd take her . into a hospice setting . one has to be busy dying . actively dying . imminent . nothing she has is terminal .. so I don't think they'd take her, she'd likely just go to a nursing home, bed ridden, pressure sores, . .so forth . blood clots .. you can't just give up . .and not get up . if you do . that creates a whole lot of other problems".
DH and SIL both .. lamenting, wringing hands .. sad . oh so sad .. "we get it" . both of them ..
Me over here: "Guys . somewhere in all of this ongoing . is refusal to *accept* her reality . I know it SUCKS ................ badly it SUCKS .............. I know it .. nobody is denying that . .none of us .. but the reality is .. she's at a point in her life where her constitution isn't stable . she vacillates between being impacted and chitapalooza . no happy medium . she is weak . and made weaker by chitapalooza and probably not hydrating appropriately .. yea work to fight back from this .. for what ...?.... yea .. but the alternative isn't pretty either .. so *acceptance* to the degree one can manage it .. acceptance.
I might as well be talking to one of my 2 yo g'kids .. it gets absorbed/heard . about as well. It doesn't.
I hate it for her .. I do .. but a-c-c-e-p-t-a-n-c-e .. it has to be at least part of the battle here . and it's not . it's denial denial denial. As I told her at one point in all of this (talk to a wall Dorker, you'd have as much response) .. "you have to take the energy that you're
that energy you're using to lament all this and channel it towards what you can do to fight back from this".
Might as well talk to a wall.
As SIL put it today in a conversation MIL had with one of the CNA's who'd come to help her .. to toilet . only to find she'd messed her diaper and everything else in her seat .. (wheelchair) .. didn't realize she'd been sitting in a pile of chitapalooza (how does that happen . doesn't one feel the ooze and ick of what they're sitting in). Said that MIL said to the CNA: "I'm sure I am one of the worst you've ever seen or dealt with". CNA: "No as a matter of fact, i've dealt with people who are paralyzed .. you've still got the use of your legs and arms/hands . you've got something to work with her".
HOORAY! Say it to her again and again and again and again!
I hate it .. I understand .. I 'get it' .. I do .. this sucks. I really do understand that. Nobody is saying to her, "oh get over it, it ain't that bad" . nobody is. It sucks . it does! I get it. But there are worse things .. for certain. And if she'd just work to understand/accept .. that this is the new lot life has handed her, until the cloud comes to get her .. then get on with it.
I find that for me, .. I"m having a hard time trying to figure/juggle a time that I can set aside to go see her, . .simply because . what more can be said (that isn't heard any damn way) .. there's nothing more that any of us can say .. try to encourage and it gets shot down .. try to build up . and find a bright spot .. agree with her .. that this is just the worst .. blah blah blah. . But go to see her/visit with her, to hear more of the same . and it's all for naught.
As I told SIL on the phone this evening: "Sounds like she had a really bad day today, we all have em . her's are just maybe more stark than most . but ya know yesterday .. she was up . she was able to go out into the hallway . with a lot of assistance . but hey . that's better than she has been doing .. so . today was a bad day . we all have em".
SIL: "Yea . she just seems so debilitated . and Sundays are just hard, there's no PT . no OT .. nothing . it's just boring".
Me: "Have they given her any exercises she can do in bed, in her wheelchair, that'd be a great time to make use of some of those".
SIL: "Yea it would, but I think she just .. she just feels like giving up".
SIGH
Okay .. well . .. then you guys figure out how to do that then . cuz that won't be real pretty either . but whatever.
I can't logically compare my life to hers but I am prone to anxiety and depression. I was put on a higher dose of Effexor. I am amazed at the difference. I have alot to be stressed about. My husband has a series of health issues some of which are requiring surgery. We have a house that is not selling. We are about to lower the price but I don't know that will make a difference. Just a real buyers market and they have the upper hand. All this would previously stressed me greatly but amazingly I feel calm. I'm not sure why but it beats the feeling of dreading the day. Anyway I hope you find some ways to attempt to help her as difficult as that is. Does she like to read at all? Magazines? My mother at 88 in AL is an avid reader. She is by no means in good shape but she has that still. I went over today to show her recent pics of her great great grandchildren. She enjoyed that. Wishing you all strength on this journey.
Which was funny. Odd-funny not HaHa-funny.
Because, in spite of all that my mother loved about the book - tiny spoiler alert: the old woman’s drive and ingenuity, their sheer will to endure and survive - my mother seemed most engaged - “happiest” would be too much of a stretch - when she was talking about her latest crap hand that life as an aged senior had dealt her.
But, for the most part, my mom managed to tread the old age waters - until the move to the nursing home. Which, as it happened - coincided with the advancing of her dementia.
Just like Mil said today - I heard each visit “nothing to live for” and “this is what my life is reduced to” etc. Well, guess what, mom? I GET IT! I agree. It’s not fair. It’s sad. It sucks. I’m sorry! I’m sorry you got old. I’m sorry you’re incontinent. I’m sorry you can’t walk without falling or having to use a walker. IM EFFING SORRY!!!
And day by day I watched my mom shut down a little bit more - give up more each day - watched the dementia take more and more until nothing of my mother was left. Nothing.
Sometimes I wonder - if my mom hadn’t had dementia, would she have been able to gut it out, like the old Indian woman in the book? I kinda doubt it. One of the things I will always admire about my mother was her drive - her sheer will to succeed, to get what she wants. My mother came from nothing - less than nothing - put herself through college in the late 1940’s and went on to make quite a life for herself.
But in the end, no amount of drive or sheer will could stop her from aging - from being “less than” she wanted to be. And, ultimately I do believe that’s what did her in. I’m afraid - it will be what does MIL in as well.
Im sorry. It really does suck.