I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Or maybe I wasn't paying attention.
My dad's mom ended up in a nursing home (she didn't live local here). My dad, it seemed to me, went on living. My stepmom's mother (local) ended up in a nursing home. Life for she and her sisters continued on, at least to my knowledge.
Why does it seem ... maybe I'm just aggravated...SIL and DH both, him lost in how sad it all is, SIL lost in trying to be there every day to do things, all things, big and small. Life for them, and those in their periphery, B and myself .. is consumed by this situation?
Does it get to a point after a while that this is all blase? Maybe it's all too new to two folks who were on the "she'll manage train " well past the point she was NOT managing.
I feel like, at least from where I sit in the positioning of all this, like the mom spent her life denying she'd ever age ... and now it's hitting her like a punching bag every hour of every day and not only her, her son and daughter also being pummeled by it all. DH lost in misery and sadness of it all ... SIL lost in.. maybe if I wash her face for her, or comb her hair for her, or buy her mouth spray, or baby wipes to clean her, or stay after staff that she needs a shower, or make sure she has Lactaid instead of milk, she'll drink it ( she doesn't) or any of a million other idiosyncrasies that will somehow right all this in SIL's orbit.
Damn, it's like you want to say to both of them "ya know life is for living... get to doing just that. Your mom has lived her's. And if she had any Grace, she's be telling both of you to do the same. I'm sorry, she got old, incontinent, feeble, stuck in a place she never wanted with a life she never wanted but for God's sake that doesn't mean you DH now sacrifice yourself at the altar of despair and pitty, get on with the biz of living. SIL sorry she got old, feeble, incontinent, stuck in a place she never wanted with a life she never wanted. But that doesn't mean you now sacrifice your life at the altar of one more useless never ending fix that doesn't solve anything ever. Get on with the business of living.
I havent said precisely those words but similar ones to each.
Makes absolutely no difference. DH stays lost in the misery, SIL lost in the never ending ways big and small she can somehow I guess make herself feel better. None of it makes MIL better and it's not going to.
At what point do each of them take a giant step back from it all in the realization that yes it's sad .. but that doesn't mean we sacrifice our lives and our existence to it all? Does that happen in time? Does it never happen?
Was thinking about it all and a conversation M and I had. Her words "mom is going to need to decide whether she can go on from this and build a life for herself here in IL outside of all that is granny and her situation, but that's up to mom to decide if she can leave it, there in FL and go on with her own life. Granny wanted to be in FL and by God she's in FL .. so now mom needs to leave it .. and not be so enmeshed .. but only mom can find her way there, if she will ever do it".
I don't know what SIL's world is gunna look like if she ever stops to look at it.
She's gunna either have to decide to stay here in FL to manage whether her mom has "x" brand baby wipes and staff use them .. or whether her food tray contains Lactaid instead of milk (she doesn't consume it any damn way, and I don't care enough to wage that war over something she doesn't consume either way) nor does DH who just stays stymied in the misery and pitty of it all.
Im loosing my patience.
It's hard to understand truly all the dynamics even after so much time here. What was life like growing up with MIL and their father. I mean that rhetorically. How did they become who they are in regards to her and the other son managed to go MIA and remain so. That is partly why I brought up how and if the anti depressant is working yet.
I know the dynamics within my own family vary greatly as I imagine they do in so many others. Each of our 3 children show different concerns to their father and I. My mother who used to be more needy to a degree has become less so. I feel at a loss as to ways to reach her. I know many might envy this but it comes with it's own burdens. Once she is gone I feel I may beat myself up over what more I should have done but when I ask her about ways I could help she shows no real need. I know I know I am very fortunate yet it leaves an empty feeling.
I wonder why MIL has abhorred aging so. Of course many do but others come to terms with it. I guess her 2 involved children are primarily able to react to that rather than finding solutions to combat it. Of course all the recent events have made life so difficult yet had they not occurred she would be back to insisting she remain home and leave her alone with her dog. I hope there are some peaceful moments unlikely as that may be. Eventually many come to accept placement even if that is ideally not the direction they would have preferred.
Yes, I've wondered this, too. SIL will not be happy unless MIL is visited every day. And you are not going to do that, and H is not going to do that. She will be back to issuing her directives from afar, and will be frantic because neither you nor H is going to be her puppet.
That is very interesting that MIL is not interested in seeing Poochy anymore. That is the surest sign to me that she really might be just giving up on it all. But maybe she's just saying that to get pity? She likes people agreeing with her that it is all so awful, doesn't she?
Chitapalooza is going to be awful if she's in a Purgatory quad...awful for the other 3 residents!
I dunno .. it's like Midkid has pointed out here numerous times. She has no one in her life that will fuss and muss to any degree over her comfort or lackthereof. Nor do I.
But I have to think, for myself anyway .. I would not WANT .. someone fussing and mussing over me. It's more important to me that my loved ones .. enjoy their lives .. to the degree they are able to do it .. and do what makes them happy . and whether or not I have a specific kind of milk on my food tray .. or whether or not . I'm having to be wiped down with a washrag .. rather than a specific brand of baby wipes that someone now has to go in pursuit to hunt and retrieve and bring to the site, to then insist staff utilize .. Go live your life, .. I'll be alright .. I don't give a crap about the damn milk anyway .. I don't want it .. even if it's coated in gold .. I don't want it any damn way .... I don't care if they wipe me down or don't, and if they use wash rags instead of specific baby wipes .. it doesn't matter to me .. come see me if you want .. but all that other b'chit .. I don't care .. stop spending your time in the never ending pursuit of what it is you think makes my life better .. none of it does in the end.
It just really struck a chord with me yesterday .. DH and SIL on the phone, SIL having spent her afternoon and into the evening (ended up staying longer than she really intended, .. by virtue of the fact her mom was all but really pretty despondent in what her life has become and will be) .. and so I guess SIL trying to do the little and big things she can . to somehow (in the end it only makes her feel better I suppose . because none of it seemingly weighs in either direction as to her mom's happiness or lack thereof) .. SIL having spent all afternoon and into the evening there ..
And her telling DH on the phone . that she'd changed her mom's shirt .. her attire of preference at the moment .. is to wear one of her long sleeve white tee shirts .. and I guess if they can get her in pj top .. and bottoms even better (though that seems to be more problematic to staff who are having to change her diaper . .and so I think SIL does that whole thing .. fruitlessly . and just aggravates staff).
SIL describing that she'd changed her mom's tee shirt that had food stains on it, .. had a hospital gown on over the tee shirt . .not sure why . (per SIL) .. and the diapers . and that was her attire. No bottoms. That she'd changed her mom's shirt .. put a clean shirt on her mom .. and I don't guess she bothered with a pj top or bottoms (finally, not typical of SIL). She'd combed her mom's hair, washed her mom's face .. helped her mom to brush her teeth .. (that her mom hadn't cared to even brush her teeth for the day). I guess, even sent up the flares with staff . that her mom hasnt' had a bath . shower .. only wipe downs (w/of course the much preferred baby wipes that SIL .. is constantly in persuit of more of). And I guess SIL raising the flag that she needs to be bathed.
SIL's words: "I don't think she even cares, it's me that cares".
Listening to that . and it just .. it struck a chord with me, . that's been it all along .. SIL always with the whirligigs and the magic fairy dust . that will all serve to somehow make SIL feel better.
No, I don't think any of this is MIL . and her laying in a shirt with food stains on it, . and asking that SIL change her shirt .. or the milk that isn't Lactaid . and would you go ask about that .. and the baby wipes that she is wiped down with . .and would you tell them not to use those stupid damn wash rags on me, I want baby wipes .. none of it. It's all at SIL's behest .. all of it.
MIL doesn't have the fight in her, to throw SIL
It sounds like estranged brother chose the latter by saying "enough is enough." Who knows how hard it was for him to do that, probably pretty darn tough if I could guess, but he probably felt like he had to for his own sanity. SIL and DH aren't at the point of being able to detach yet.
I understand your frustration, Dorker. It seems the glaringly obvious solution is acceptance and detachment. Yet for DH and SIL who've had a lifetime of having the burden of their mom's feelings like a millstone of guilt around their necks, I'm sure it feels next to impossible. I hope at some point they can finally let go of the need to "fix" their mom and "make her happy" (can't be done anyway). It does sound like they've both taken some steps to get there, but it's just gonna be a process.
To throw SIL outta there and her baby wipes and Lactaid .. and all of the other minutia SIL seems to get lost in the weeds over.
But that's the same as it's always been. . SIL with her never ending rabbit holes that she would direct from afar .. as to her mom's comfort or lack thereof . and me over here fighting with her, "No I will not bring a child gate over there, that only leans up against chairs that she now has to move and navigate around, the fall risk she is . to keep her dog quarantined to the kitchen . .as he walks right past the gate that doesn't adhere to either wall, it's not wide enough SIL .. stop it . just stop it".
Same as it's always been.
SIL there .. every day .. I guess in her mind, the dignity of being able to put on pj's .... even though staff now has to come in and change her out of soiled diapers . and now have to pull the pj bottoms off . where maybe if she'd leave well enough alone . they wouldn't have that to mess with .. they'd just change the diaper and clean her up .. with a washrag . as the other residents are subject to .. in fact, she'd just be in a hospital gown as are other residents that aren't capable of grooming. I guess the comfort level of having those specific baby wipes .. for wiping her down .. the Lactaid instead of regular milk (what the h377 difference does it make, you could bring her milk in a gold plated carton and it still doesn't get consumed .. why waste your time/energy on all this minutia . I'm damn not gonna).
The shirt with food stains on it . .covered by a hospital gown that someone in all this slipped over her ..
The laundry she hauls back and forth in the pee'd up pj's . .and puked on pj's . and so forth . where other poor sap of residents are subject to the hospital gowns and having to suffer through wearing those.
The mouth spray she thought would solve the dry mouth to my having pulled her outta the weeds, . no she needs to DRINK to solve that dry mouth, not mask it with mouth spray SIL!
Get a text from SIL this morning .. "damn I was reading about the anti depressant they put her on .. they took her off the other one because a side effect can be low BP .. and so they switched it to Celexa .. and now I read about that one that it can cause loose stools . hell just take her off any anti depressant at all . left a message for the doc to call me .. ".
I responded, "how are you ever gonna go home to IL and somehow leave the management of all this ever changing saga with your mom".
Then this morning up pops on my news feed . an update on the boy who was jolted with electric current on my brother's property and his saga. The resilience of this boy . .the theme of the news story done about him . .learning to drive again . learning to walk again . and his resilience .. and his positive attitude.
As another poster here pointed out a week or so ago .. no one wants to hear about so and so when they have just stubbed their toe . but so and so has a broken foot ..
I read the story about the 17 yo boy who lost both is legs .. and had 3rd degree burns over 40% of his body and has had to relearn the use of his legs and his one arm, due to burns and nerve damage .. and he is doing it .. he is storming thru . doing it .. at 17 years old.
And I just break down crying. Crying from the fact that the people in my life . can't see the forest for the trees .. they want to get lost in the minutia of all the creature comforts that don't make one hill of a bean of a difference, or the misery and despair of it all as in DH ..
Here's a boy that has had his life inextricably altered .. and he is fighting through .. and persevering .. he has his whole life in front of him .. and altered to a magnitude most of us might find too troubling and fall into pits of despair .. but he's doing it. MIL has lived her life, a full life .. one that had all it's joys and sorrows . absent the fact she had to learn to live with out limbs ... It's too much
What was her response????
SIL won't be happy when the CNAs are taking MIL's baby wipes to use on the other resident in her room (easier than the washray, yes?) Who is going to be the designated baby wipe policer, who will do MIL's chitapalooza laundry, etc.
SIL will be frantic because there will be no one to do the steppin' and fetchin' that she requires. And then what??? WILL she move down to FL?
SIL . in that same text this morning .. "damn i'd read about that specific anti depressant last night .. and her with the loose stools now . just take her off any anit depressant .. what the h377 ... I left a message for the doc to call me .. (she goes on to say) I set my alarm clock to wake me up at 7 . and I purposely called mother . and made her stay on the phone with me, in case the doc came in . so I could talk to him . he never came in . had her on the phone with me for 30 mins .. waiting . he never came and mother had to go . she had to pee and was calling for nurse aid to come help her and no one had come".
I'm over here not saying it out loud but thinking .. ."if you go back to IL and think your mom is going to get even a modicum of that kind of attention and detail from me or from DH . think again . it's not going to happen .. not even close. In fact SIL I'm gonna let the med staff deal with most of it .. so your mom has loose bowels at the moment .. guess what .. so do probably a lot of other elderly folks .. have constitutions that aren't stable . she's no different . and I'm not gonna be up thru the night trying to play MD .. I'm not one and I'm not gonna try to 2nd guess what they're doing or not doing . period .. that's their job to figure out .. and I'll assume them capable of doing so . or not .. ".
SIL annoyed somewhat (M is to be married in August .. 2nd marriage for M) . and M now on that page . and wanting some addy's from her mom as to folks that need invites .. and SIL somewhat aggravated .. "I don't have time to even think about a wedding at this point".
I'm over here like, .. "ya know . life goes on .. for some of us .. life keeps marching on .. and there are some of us who don't choose to stay stuck in the quicksand of all that is your mom and her creature comforts and her never ending saga that you can't fix .. and you should leave well enough alone and let medical professionals work to resolve . instead of 2nd guessing them".
It's pointless to say that . it doesn't get heard/absorbed. You just watch her with all the 40 plates spinning on her toes as she stands on her head running the never ending hamster wheel .. and you watch DH with his despair over it all ..
You just could pull your hair out . in frustration.
Geez!!!
I'd be so much more worried about perontonitis. If I had to guess, I'd wager that there is still some degree of impaction and MIL is passing loose stools (not felt) around the impaction.
That's what she needs to discuss with the doctor. Although perotonitis might be considered a blessing by some in this case.
What is it I deduce from that story .. "guess MIL .. like the other poor saps there .. will be relegated to use of washrags .. like other commoners .. ".
What does SIL deduce from the above: "I am marking her name on the new packets so they don't take them for use on other residents".
Yea okay that will solve it.
What did shes say in answer to that question on how will she ever go home to IL and not be here to manage it all ..
Here was her answer: "I have to go home in May as me and B both have some doc appts that we've already put off and rescheduled .. and so gotta get to those . and I need to get home to see how the basement walls are holding up from the repairs and get the paneling back up on the walls and M needs me to get some info to her as to addy's of folks . as to her wedding . just things I have to see about .. but I guess I'll still be doing all this but doing it from there".
That was her answer.
She then texts to say that the doc did come in and see her mom and is changing her to Zoloft .. but she says of that drug .. "that's the one she was on when dad died but went off it because it caused diahrea . damnit .. wish he'd call me .. I called again and they put me thru to the 2nd floor as that's where he is making rounds now . .has left her area .. I left another message .. I wish he'd call me back damnit. Just take her off any damned anti depressant if they're all gonna cause these problems".
My answer: "Why don't you let the doc manage that .. maybe her loose bowels aren't at all the reason of the anti depressant .. maybe she's just old and loose bowels or impacted bowels are gonna be her norm .. I think she DOES INDEED need to be on an anti depressant".
SIL: "Yea mom said the doc told her that he does want her on one, wish he'd call me back, he's probably sick of me".
Ya think?
Only in this case, the setting where MIL is .. doesn't send the special baby wipes home .. and stress that they all get cleaned .. via the use of wash rags .. and they are still just as clean ..
How did this woman ever raise healthy, well adjusted, successful kids who grew up to be .. responsible adults. She is the type that would've done just as described above .. and tried to manage all the minutia .. down to it's inth degree.
Why is she supplying baby wipes and not hospital grade adult wipes?
Has SIL asked the DON (not the poor line staff who have no say in ANYTHING) about this issue? Or the SW? You don't' get anywhere talking to the individual aides. They have no authority, no standing and no say so.
To say that your SIL acts like a blithering idiot would be kind. I really do think she may have some cognitive decline going on.
The NH supplied all the depends and did all the laundry. Why is SIL doing all of this stuff?
Also - she should be enjoying helping her daughter plan a wedding - but she is too enmeshed with MIL. Wake up call for both when SIL goes back to IL. MIL won't be able to summon you all at the first wimper. SIL will be trying to direct this goat rodeo and no one is going to play.
and where is YD - the one giving you the hairy-eyeball about how sad it is for her gramma?
Let's hope there will be NO CHANCE for MIL to pitch a fit until SIL carts her up to IL to attend the wedding!!!!
"How did this woman ever raise healthy, well adjusted, successful kids"
Hmmm....did she? Look at the way at least two of them are decompensating now. (And the third one is estranged...but, wait...haven't some of us said that he might be one who dealt the best with Narcissa?)
"You just watch her with all the 40 plates spinning on her toes as she stands on her head running the never ending hamster wheel ..."
THAT mental image is what the illustrator must capture for your book!!!
"... but I guess I'll still be doing all this but doing it from there". says SIL in response to your question about what will happen when SIL returns to IL in May. So she's given you a preview of what will happen. Start marking those boundaries clearly again, Dorker! (Can you use whiteout to get your name and contact info off of that sheet that the facility made for MIL?)
This is a rehab... hospital gown is fine. If she ends up at a long-term facility, especially memory care, they will get her up and get her dressed every day, even with chitapalooza. The gown isn’t forever... she is coming back from major surgery.
Different expectations for different stages of this. She is healing and doing therapy here. The rehab is a different animal from “regular life”.
The wipes thing is ridiculous. This is a nursing facility... they have the stuff to take care of this. SIL needs to quit. She is making so much more work for herself and frankly, there is already enough that needs to be done. She only has so much energy. Using x% of it making a trip to Walgreens, hunting down special wipes, bringing them to MIL, getting upset thinking they are being stolen, etc. is not worth it when there is so much else to do.
Side note and agreeing with Barb... I could EASILY go through that many wipes when we encountered chitapalooza (and encounter it we did, often. It would come and go, still does since the move) in our house with MIL.
The cleaning/fixing her up thing will get old. Again SIL is doing things that the staff and doctor need to see that MIL isn’t doing for herself. This is a path to placement... part of that is assessment. SIL is not only killing herself, but shooting herself in the foot re: placement.
(I am not heartless... I do some of those things still for my MIL when I visit... put lotion on her, brush her hair (the staff does too, but sleeping in the chair or napping takes its toll, lol.) But mostly, I let the staff handle it.)
And DH and I are not there everyday anymore. Not sustainable at all. I am always amazed at how many people do that and wonder why they are exhausted or have no life. I think it is important to look at how often you would be with them in real life, BEFORE all of the caregiving set in. Most people do not see their parents every.single.day after they leave home. I suppose it is one thing if it brings you great joy, but most of the time, it seems to be guilt that drives that. It always makes me sad... kind of like the elephant that thinks it can’t pull out the tiny stake it is chained to.
And, going off the anti-depressant... NO. Just NO. Maybe SIL needs to hear it like this... “You wanted the doctor to do something about the depression, he is doing what is needed to help his patient. The side effect list for those reads like a medical dictionary. She has had this problem for so long. You cannot predict chitapalooza anymore or really hope to alleviate it. Hers is an old body that has been damaged from tia’s and various ailments, and you have already tried everything. Which is the priority? Since you and DH are devasted by the depression she is exhibiting, I would think THAT would be the priority. Taking her off the anti-depressant (and IMHO, switching them constantly) is a bad idea. Priorities, lesser of two evils... that is how you have to think of this, SIL.”
I am sure you have given her some rendition of this. It is very likely she is getting mired down again because there is no obvious emergency going on right now. This stuff DOES seem important until the elder care “epiphany” of lesser of two crappy choices, lol.
She should visit every 3 days. DH can do the same on different days. No more bringing supplies. Let MIL acclimate to the anti-depressant for the next few months (because it can take that long) and work on her PT. She can read. She can rest and be in her own head. The staff and doctor can get a read on MIL’s actual abilities. Bonus... she won’t be alienating the doctor and staff.
In the meantime, she should get all paperwork in order for placement. Get the house ready to close up when they go back to IL. Have attorney answer outstanding questions. Rest, go for a walk with B, think about M’s wedding, and smile and laugh with you and DH and her nieces.
The 17 yr old young man has his whole life in front of him. His life will be what he makes of it and he is well on his way to a better life.
MIL, try not to even compare her to the 17yr old. She is old, miserable, broken hip, ill, and just not much to look forward too.
The Dr is probably not returning SILs call on purpose. The staff is probably avoiding MILs room.
Stolen baby wipes! It probably takes half to a whole pack to clean up one bout of chitapalooza.
Chitapalooza has been an on and off problem as long as this thread has existed. But, now suddenly SIL is blaming an antidepressant.
SIL has lost sight of the whole situation. Or something REALLY wrong with her.
SIL May have just really stepped in it. Declining the Quad room. Now what if there is no semi private Medicaid bed available when MIL is discharged?!? I know Dorker, it’s not your problem, it really isn’t.
Its obvious. SIL is her own worst enemy. She’s too enmeshed, she’s got a REAL problem, I just can’t wrap my head around her actions.
I think it’s time to limit contact with SIL again. She is slowly making a mess of things. Things you were a part of helping her put together.
SIL needs another throttling.
Me: SIL check with the DON at POSH .. they should have those wipes and in adult sizes for cleaning her up.
SIL: "I did .. I talked to the nurse and she said they don't supply those, . they use wash rags and soap and warm water .. and besides that their wash rags are so scratchy there".
Me: "...........and this is supposed to be the best place .. God help her when she ends up in NOT the best place, which is coming. I hope they don't continue to walk away . since they don't seem to supply those".
SIL: "I have marked her name on the two containers I just brought in . hope that stops them walking away ..".
I didn't say anymore, my thoughts .. "probably won't, but whatever".
Further convo with SIL:
SIL: "I sure hope today can be a better day for her, yesterday was a REALLY bad day .. despondent like .. just so debilitated".
ME: "I'm almost sure it will be a better day .. Sundays are hard, not PT/OT . .and the chitapalooza ongoing .. just bad bad day .. we all have em".
SIL: "I sure hope so, I'm sitting here in a daze, still in my pj's . just umotivated".
Me: "Might be a plan for the day, stay in your pj's and take it easy".
No response.
In the meantime, I hopped in the car with DD .. she had a few stops to make and needed someone to sit in the car with the twins so she didn't have to drag the babies in and out . in the rain and cold outside.
DD: "So what's up with dad .. L (5 yo g'daughter) tells me he was kinda grouchy when they stayed with you guys .. what's going on with him . and S (her husband) tells me the same thing . that he's just grouchy these days, un movitated (S works with DH) .. and it's hard to light a fire under him and then L telling me he was grouchy . that it was kind of uncomfortable".
Me: "Yea he is .. he is grouchy . unmotivated .. doesn't feel good for one thing . and I keep trying to get him to go to the doctor .. this sinus thing or whatever . .but not only that, go get on an anti depressant . .but he won't do it .. and I can't make him . but I'm about to snap off on him, I've had enough, ........... he doesn't feel good .. I don't know . sinuses or whatever . but aside from that even . the whole thing with granny .. just has him in a damn stupor that he can't pull out of .. I just .. I'm over here like, .. snap out of it . people get old .. she's not the first, she won't be the last .. snap out of it . if you can't, then go get some therapy or an anti depressant .. enough already".
DD: "Yea I mean .. really .. I'm kinda tired of the whole thing . .how long do you stay in the misery of it all ..??....I mean this has been going on . .the problems with granny for too long!".
Me: "I know ..... none of this is new".
DD: All I've got to say is you and S (her husband) are both saints . .. I don't know how you put up with him . I KNOW how he can be . ya know . you don't get to waller in self pitty and misery and be grouchy to everybody .. you go fix it and get on with life, I don't know how you and S both put up with him".
And where is YD . the one with the sad puppy dog face at any notion of putting her granny away ...
She's doing what people her age do. Living her life . no she's not out there loving all on poochy who will now not have his mommy .. she's not over at POSH .. and so attentively seeing to MIL's needs at every whim.
I'm just sick of it . that's what I'm doing.
I'm going into the kitchen to put together a new casserole . and .. gonna call my mom .. and visit with her for a while on the phone . and try to enjoy this cold dreary day here .. in spite off looking outside at how dreary it is ..
number of times that sil is a born nurturer. It’s just who she is, you’ve said.
So, what’s the point in being angry when this leopard can’t change her spots. It’s as fruitless as sil bringing mil a golden carton of lactose-free “milk”. JMO.
Sure - none of SILs fussing will be duplicated by you or dh once sil returns to Illinois. But that will be true regardless of whatever “fix-it’s” sil is or isn’t doing now. And sure, sil will blow up the phone/text/email/ fax/smoke-signal lines directing from afar - once she returns to her home. But that’s not going to change any either - regardless of whatever sil
is or isn’t doing presently.
Sil is just doing what she does. And - it’s likely more vital than ever FOR HER that she adheres to her rituals. Whether we agree or not - whether we think it’s annoying, fruitless, counter productive - it certainly isn’t a surprise, is it? Sil is cooping in her own way. I say, leave her alone. I expect I’m a lone voice in that - out here in the cyber wilderness.
Whatever
As for the doctors and the rehab staff getting annoyed with sil... Does anyone actually think she is the first patients loved one to behave like this? More likely, they roll their eyes and sigh “Oh Lord, help us. It’s another one of THOSE. THAT relative”. And then they go on and do their job the same as always. Which, at POSH, seems to be as little as possible - but not due to Sil.
Sil is gonna do what she does. It’s how she coops. It does not prevent -
nor mandate that everyone else carry on in anything other than the manner of their own choosing.
Just saying...
(I too thought that using wash cloths instead of wipes seemed weird and old fashioned when my mom went into the nursing home, but the "poop cloths" were colour coded and the aides took using them in stride, in fact seemed to prefer them)
Interestingly enough, the other day when that quad came available .. and it was declined .. I told SIL . ."we need a Plan B .. if we don't have one . and they get ready to spring her outta there at POSH .. you better have one . otherwise she goes home . unless you wanna play hardball".
That got a reply of: "I think . didn't Purgatory state that they usually have a bed . .every few days .. I'm not gonna worry about it too much".
Fast forward a few days . and SW Jessica speaks .. we jump. Go figure.
Going to look tomorrow .. at a few more sites for the Purgatory stay .. we'll see how this goes.
Today . as I predicted . .was a better day somehow for MIL who now had an appetite where yesterday there was only nausea and no appetite. She wasn't able to participate in PT today .. seems the BP drops out ..
They have her on a med to increase it . but it still has a tendency to drop too low . when they get her up.
I guess they'll get it figured out ..
No need to play MD.
The baby wipes .. seems the last episode of Chitapalooza was early this morning . so as SIL reported . the two containers she brought there yesterday . sit right there in their spot awaiting the next explosion.
There's another graphic/illustration .. the explosion.
As per Medicaid rules, one has to be in a SNF for 30/60/90 days .... What ever it takes as the individual processes through pending status awaiting Medicaid approval.
MIL's next stop will be at the transitional 30/60/90 day pending SNF.
Thats what Purgatory was about and it's mention the other day they have a quad available. The quad was declined in lieu of waiting for a semi private room. Who knows if that would come to fruition. Thus now a search for Plan B.
Oh, yes! And perhaps a stack of baby wipe boxes in the background?
So now the search is on for a Purgatory that only has semiprivate rooms? That will even be a big adjustment for MIL; imagine how she will be complaining! And I feel sorry for her roommate, since many days the Eau de Chitpalooza will be the fragrance du jour.
I just don't see how SIL is ever going to be able to return to IL. Or she might go for at least some of May for her and B's medical appointments, but then will need to come back to FL.
H will be furious with how much she will be blowing up his phone!
But IMO that's how you do it, order by the case rather than dozens of trips in and out of drug stores.
Call it an early Mothers Day gift. Sheesh. What it all comes down to.
Indeed, MIL will be complainer in chief once semi private room is her norm. Everyone so concerned she end up rooming with some soul that is so somehow disconcerting to her, be that because the person talks non stop-never shuts up, or the opposite-doesn't talk, or hacks up a lung 24/7, or any other of circumstances she may find in a roomie. I'm over here being quiet but very aware MIL could just as easily turn out to be the problem to whatever roomie draws that unlucky lot.
Sigh
DH and his meltdowns.
He asked .. I didn't volunteer... he asked. How was mom today?
I told him as reported by his sister .. all in all, appears to have been a better day. Extrapolated on the how's/why's. Then went on to explain the directive from SW Jessica that we visit a few more sites today as to a Plan B and reasons why. Explaining to him that a quad had been offered and declined by SIL.
Meltdown ensued.
Tantrum begins.
DH: "if that's what is gunna be the case, y'all need to know .. I'm gunna go get her and bring her home! If that's the best they can do .. I'm not gunna stand for it! I'll go get her and take her to her home and figure out how to take care of her! That's B'CHIT.
Oy vey
A bit of a dust up now ensues with my reminding him that he's professionals all agree she needs round the clock care .. routinely soiling her diaper, can't ambulate at all sans two aides to assist .. dehydrates and needs IV fluids, too low of BP a constant .. put on your big boy pants dude and realize ... her care is well past being brought home.
Reminder that is WHY SIL and myself will be out .. again today ... to visit more sites.
All of this dust up to then come full circle to the realization/statement ... that he's sorry for the tantrum .. that he's frustrated... knows this all shear utter h377 for his mom ... yadda yadda
How long does my existence have to be upended in the fact these two can't grab the reality their mom is no different than any other aged/feeble elderly in need of supported care in a facility ... in spite of her protests and heartbreak she routinely throws out there.
B gets left as collateral damage in it all ... and I'm right there too .. sideline to all the collateral damage of the *heartbreak*, the wringing of hands, the oh so sad .. on and on it stays .. in the pits of despair all of it.
When do these two ever come to the realization their mom and all her heartbreak has to be compartmentalized... and the reality IS .. She is absolutely no different than any other family and LO having grown aged and in need of FT care ... and tho it makes her sad... life goes on.
Really tired of it.
So SIL has declined that facility entirely?
Dorker, I know you folks are thinking that this next bit is going to be only 30 to 90 days long, but make sure DH speaks up as to its distance from your home. It's a huge factor.
And remind SIL that her mother carries her unhappiness and disdain within her. Nothing is ever good enough, right enough or perfect enough for her. Trying to please her is pure foolishness.
With a Dx of chf, mil would probably be eligible for hospice services at what ever facility she lands in. And no, she wouldn't need to get busy with dying. It doesn't work like that. You might encourage sil to speak to her mom's doctor about how it does work. It would mean extra attention for MIL at whatever facility she lands in. MiL would enjoy that.
If they say she's not eligible for hospice, palliative care should be considered.
Did that shoot this site out of any contention, to have been so picky. Don't know.
Good plan anyway, irregardless, to have a Plan B, in case POSH springs her outta there and only plan is the site we may have just shot ourselves in the foot, having declined a quad.
As to the CHF and hospice path .. if I bring that up to SIL and she then shoots out as she's done before "well does she really have CHF ..??.. hers is diastolic... that's different "
I think my head will explode.
Get her to explain what the cardiologist told her.
This is from WebMD
Until recently, it was generally assumed that the prognosis for individuals with diastolic dysfunction and associated intermittent pulmonary edema was better than those with systolic dysfunction. In fact, in two studies appearing in the New England Journal of Medicine in 2006, evidence was presented to suggest that the prognosis in diastolic dysfunction is the same as that in systolic dysfunction.[1][63]
Tell her to ask about hospice services. The discussion needs to be had with MIL with all her talk of the cloud. If she's really not interested in living the life she's been dealt, not treating would be kind, yes?
And if she realizes there's a choice, it might shake her up a bit. And get her more interested in living.