I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Careful here. He's getting into the pattern of asking YOU how MIL is. He's getting used to your involvement again. Once SIL flies off to IL, will he then expect you to be the one steppin' and fetchin'? I know, I know...he knows your boundaries now.
He likes to have his tantrums re Poor Ol' MIL, doesn't he? WHY do he and SIL expect that MIL is different from other elders? Why does SIL expect MIL to get better treatment than other NH residents? That the staff will ask how high when MIL says to jump? SIL must think they have to respond to MIL the way SIL has dysfunctionally responded for years now. MIL must be happy! Her happiness is more important than anything else!
At least H comes down to earth eventually. He knows he can't take care of MIL's every need. SIL, unfortunately, for a while thought that she could.
But Dorker the reason I've gone quiet is that when I think how I might have responded to DH's question, or at least wanted to respond, it ranges from sarcastic to violent which I do not think would help. I take my hat off to your forbearance.
How was Mom? How 'bout you pop along and see for yourself, dear heart?
You've mentioned that right after MILs breaking her hip and resulting surgery - that dh did actually visit daily and spend a significant length of time with her. You also say that dh has pared back his extracurricular activities. But how is that equating to him going to POSH and spending time?
As dh is persisting in his irrational statements - it doesn’t sound like he is dialed in to the cold hard reality of it all. “If that’s the best they can do...”?!! No dh, the best they can do required money. Great big piles of money. Lots and lots of it.
Too bad that dh has again begun his past pattern of Drive By Visiting and Involvement. Too bad there isn’t a way to require him to attend every meeting. Maybe then he’d be a little more knowledgeable of what “the best they can do” looks like for someone who never planned to get old and therefore has no way of paying for the collateral damage that comes with the age related deterioration of mind and body - and no plan - no way to pay for “the best they can do”.
I do not know how you manage not to smother dh in his sleep. You truly have the patience of a saint.
1) MIL needs 24/7 care
2) she has had at least 10 extra years in her home with Precious Poochy because Dorker primarily and SIL did a lot of sacrificing of their time to keep her there
3)now she needs NH - she could have used the money on the face lifts and braces to pay for a nice posh NH for a while before Medicaid - might have been able to stay permanently somewhere acceptable to her
4) she chose not to, and is now becoming broke - the US doesn't throw her on the street, but does provide beds, food, attention - just not private and POSH - unless DH has an extra $15K per month you don't know about - he can pay for MIL to have posh
DH needs to pull his head out of his backside. What difference does one roommate or three make? Usually they will be dressed and out of their rooms for much of the day anyway - keeps them healthier than sitting in bed all day.
What gives? I get that MIL is the only mom they have - but why do they think the whole world needs to agree that she is special and better than everyone else? Kind of pizzes me off and I don't know the bunch
[recently had a fight again with my mom - she blew through 250K after she and my dad split, to all of our entreaties that she invest for the future and aging needs "no, i'll live on my SS". Well, now she is looking for AL and doesn't like what she can afford, and told me "I need $2K every month from you so I can afford the AL I like" yeah.... that means extra $3k per month before taxes. I just don't have an extra $36K per year for you". Reminded her of "i'll live on my SS" then the raging - all she has done for me (squat), how can she live in the dump AL - she is grander than that, on and on and on. NO is a complete sentence. She's not letting it go and I'm getting calls from her friends and other family about how upset she is with me and how can I let her live in a dump. Ummmm..... her planning or lack of it did, not me.
Exactly. She vainly and foolishly blew through money. The taxpayers should NOT have to fund her (and her son and daughter's) misguided sense of entitlement that she is too good for a quad room or whatever. "Beggars can't be choosers." This is the reality for SIL and H of what their mother deserves.
Kimber, good for you for standing up to your mother and friends and family members who think you should fund the kind of AL your mother wants. If the family members and friends think it's so important, let THEM chip in that $3K/month!
A couple of days ago when DH was voicing his sorrow his idea was to take MIL home with Hospice. Is he aware that Hospice would only visit? Not be in the home 24/7? The load would then shift back to SIL who is done with in home care? Hospice and/or Pallative Care is available in a facility. I think that was discussed here.
I know DH is just talking. Thinking out loud, whatever. It would definitely get old. I would be tempted to smack him...verbally of course.
"You don't like the foursome? Tough, it's better than you deserve, you ungrateful old wastrel."
I'm not even sure that the proverbial beggars can't be choosers would exactly set anyone's mind at rest.
If only! LOL
Dorker - I think a quad room has its advantages. There will be opportunities for MIL to socialize. She might realize that 'those people' are not so 'low in social class' that she can't talk to them. And that might improve her mood.
The other advantage is that there will be 3 others who can push the button to call the nurse, if not for them, for her if she can't. Or when a nurse comes in for one of her roommates, she has a chance to tell the nurse what she needs. She might get more attention in a quad room than a private room she has now.
like, "what can be done NOW at this point?"
1. DH - you and SIL can pay for someone's time to visit and tend to MIL daily in facility to give her extra attention and care. SIL can make a list for this person.
2. DH - SIL and/or YOU can take on this role. Daily.
3. You both can discuss with her doctor the possibility of placing her on hospice or palliative care at this point, which will provide extra care. BUT - you have to approach the doctor and realistically ask him the hard questions, as to realistic prognosis and expectancies as far as her conditions. Particularly CHF. When a doctor is approached this way, sans the illusions, it can be a relief to everyone involved sometimes, and lead to acceptance and the end of illusions.
I agree with you on the quad room. Sure, there are negatives, but overall I think MIL would benefit.
Linda, you are right! This is just the pregame. The real game will start IF SIL heads back to IL. I know that’s supposed to be in May not sure when in May.
Dorker has stuck her toe back in the pool. Imo a couple weeks before SIL departs Dorker will have to sit down with DH and SIL for a Come to Jesus Meeting. Directives will be coming in from SIL blowing up Dorkers phone and The For Christ Sakes Dorker from DH.
I realize SILs departure is at least a month away. There are a lot of logistics that haven’t been settled. I am afraid DH and SIL May be assuming Dorker is back onboard.
I asked for a hospice referral, as I mentioned in a fairly recent post - because of the constant extreme ups and downs of my mothers state of being. It was turning me into mental mush - deaths door one day, touring the facility in her wheelchair, socializing the next.
Anyhoo - my point - for my mother to qualify for hospice care she had to meet one or more points from a
specific list of criteria. Which she
did but barely- the weight loss requirement.
Are all hospices like this? Would mil even qualify at this stage?
My father had pretty severe CHF - it was his cardiologist that suggested palliative care - which we signed on for. My dad was only on palliative care for about a month when they suggested that hospice would better meet his needs.
Maybe palliative care would be a better place to start with MIL. It would be less of an emotional shock for sil and dh, as well. Not that that should be the definitive selector...
Just my thoughts... FWIW.
It just keeps on raining, doesn't it?
I'm truly thinking that SIL has some serious cognitive impairment re: her mother. She sees her as some incredibly special being--which, to a point, is quite lovely. However, she passed from "lovely" to "sick and twisted" some time ago.
*calling the doctor non stop and ?? him on everything--the AD's aren't making her chitapalooza worse, they probably aren't doing a dang thing.
*chasing around to all the Walgeens' and buying wipe for mom's oh so tender tush! (In honesty, the washCLOTH (can't bring myself to say washrag---gags me) and warm, soapy water is a MUCH better way to clean. Those wipes leave behind a coating of fragrance and do not clean well enough, IMHO. They are not intended for constant use--actually cause rashes in a lot of people!
*the tears and fussing and constant, never ending manipulation of the 'system'.
*hanging out at the NH for days on end--why? MIL HAS to adapt. Either that or give up and die. Really, I know I sound harsh, but she does, indeed HAVE TO ADAPT. Maybe for the first time in her life, but...
*fussing at the staff--this can only last so long---I am no saint, but I know if somebody was talking to/treating me the way SIL does to the staff at the NH, man, I would NOT be racing down the hall to help her mother every time the buzzer went off. I'm just human enough that I would be very passive aggressive and I know I'd start to take out my feelings about SIL on MIL. Not being horrible--just not giving her the royal treatment. Do my job, but not knock myself out. SIL is going about all of this exactly the wrong way.
I've been in enough hospitals and NH's with family to know how to get what is needed for my LO. SIL is pretty much botching it as badly as she can.
The staff at POSH will be thrilled to see MIL leave. And if you don't think that POSH isn't going to warn the new place about the hot mess that this family is..... MIL will enter a "new place" with a preconceived (and accurate) evaluation.
Oh well.
And, um, we can only hope that MIL has a blowout while DH is visiting. Let him clean her up ONCE and he will do a 180 on even thinking of bringing her home.
This family has paid 10K of MIL's money to get expert advice and they are ignoring it, from what I can see.
Whatever they do, whatever they turn down, they will eventually run out of road. You have the option of just letting it happen, don't forget.
And Dorker's role would have been mostly a supportive ear for DH and SIL, like it should be, with maybe a nice supportive, sweet trip or 2 up to Illinois.
Am I the only one getting this overwhelming sense of deja vu?
And indeed, the crisis came, as we all predicted and SIL and DH are like deer in the headlights. Dorker kindly assisted at the law meeting and the care meetings and her guidance has done very little good.
Because the 3 leading actors are deluded and not all that bright.
Dorker, step back again. Go to work. Go visit your mom, your dad, hang out with the grands.
These folks are going to have to learn the hard way. They didn't even have the good grace, at ANY point along the way to say "Gee, Dorker, you know, you were right about how much help mom needed".
Dorker don’t get sucked into this mess. Let SIL and DH take responsibility. Enjoy your grandchildren and your life.
Deja Vu. The sick at your stomach type of Deja Vu.
SIL and DH have some serious psych issues - I think professional help is needed here and at this point probably would not be too effective. So, is you truly want to save your health and sanity, and put your efforts where they might actually accomplish some good (grandkids), then put up razor wire type fences, guard towers, flamethrowers, whatever it takes to stop the marching army of SIL, MIL and DH. You are actually not, nor should you be, their plan B, C, or whatever. MIL is in a safe place, and it is past time for SIL and DH to learn Reality 101 by having to deal with their mess. Don't think they will benefit from coaching - they will try to hand off as long as they possibly can.
What was DH’s input on saying No to the quad? Was he even consulted before SIL said no? Did SIL go look at the actual space (I know the facility has been toured) or did she just hear quad and fold?
Did DH notice if he wasn’t consulted? Does he want to be notified of important decisions or will this all funnel through SIL as before? I suppose I foolishly thought the POA being dual meant the decisions would be. Have they even discussed who is the decision maker now? That when she goes back to IL that this placement will have much more to do with DH life than SIL’s?
One thing I would count on with SIL. When she says they will go home in May. They will go home. Personally I would rather deal with it myself than have her calling in plays.