I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Well, now there's a new question for all the potential facilities. Do they use washcloths or wipes to clean the elderbums? SIL is a loon...
Looking forward to reading how today's tour of Purgatory Potentials goes.
Where to even start with today's events. I don't know.
SIL arrived here, already had a headache, .. pollen ...???...sinuses . who knows, but by the time the day's events culminated .. even tried to have lunch out, . her to sick to eat .. it was either . she's getting sick again, or she is having one of her rare . migraines . not sure. But she couldn't eat, .. she had a horrible headache, felt nauseous .. and so on . and so the day ended with me driving her home . she couldn't even drive . she was so sick . and YD followed along in the MIL car SIL used to get here this morning.
We did find a 2nd Plan B site . in fact, it may even be that this newest site, I'll call it Woodlands ... it may have taken the place of Purgatory .. as in a favored site .. and now Purgatory will slip to 2nd spot . Plan B. But I don't, in truth, know whether Purgatory has thumbed their noses at us . and our "picky" standards to have refused a quad . may very well be the case for all I know. For all I know SIL shot that in the foot completely having turned down a quad .. I don't know that to be the case, .. maybe indeed a semi private will become available and offered . but .. we won't know til we get there I guess.
But in any event, we visited 3 sites today .. and one of them . now maybe Plan A . .and maybe Purgatory as Plan B .. if they'll have her. The other two sites we visited . one doesn't take Medicaid Pending . and the other . it was under construction, remodel . and so it just seemed to chaotic there .. We were going to go to a 4th spot to view that site, but SIL . now ill . .she didn't feel well at all . and I ended up having to drive her home . .for her to go to bed.
And on the other front of all this .DH started out his day today going to visit his mom early in the morning before starting his day.
Remember how Sunday was a day of so much despondency on MIL's part . and yesterday was a better day for her, all in all. . Well today was much like SUnday . he found her despondent . in tears .. and so much despair.
PT had come to get her . but her BP . that never ending low BP that falls out, prevented same. Unable to get her up .. BP falls out. Light headed, nauseous . .etc. And the breakfast tray sat there uneaten . no interest. Tears .. as she said to DH .. "I don't even want to fight back from this, for what? .. SO I can go sit in a nursing home, I just want to die that's what I want . I want to die today .. ". She goes on to say to DH that she knows that SIL and Dorker are out today scouting sites for her and that brings upon her sadness that she knows she will never go home again . and so fight . to come back from this . for what ..
Why does she know this? Because SIL goes every day . and SIL told her she'd not be coming today so that she and Dorker could go scout out sites . that's how she knows.
But anyway .. DH said he told her, "Mom life is gonna be what you make of it .. you're going to have to adjust your attitude". This all said this morning in his early morning visit there. .
I gues she also sat there on the end of the bed, . PT still in the room, them debating whether to get her up again . .in a few . of attempt to do so . .and she then crapped in her diaper . as she sat there. I guess .. w/old folks . the urge hits . it's coming out .. that fast . one doesn't get that urge and then have the ability to "wait" it's coming . and so it did . the loose stool.
So then staff in to clean her up . and her then lamenting that her life has become about someone wiping her azz at this point .. along with the rest of the chit show her life is now.
I did talk to both of them, when SIL and I stopped for lunch . DH had called to aprise his sister of this morning's findings there at POSH with their mom. I then chimed in on their conversation . "Guys . I just think you are both going to have to consider
Dh is likely just as messed up but since their M.M.O. - Mother Mode of Operation - is so polar opposite SILs is way more apparent.
Sil runs in - Dh runs away.
Its been mentioned here before, but I’ve been thinking about it more lately - just how much of SILs foolishness is rooted in what SHE wants/sees as due her mother? And, hand in hand with that - how much is rooted in her need to please her mother and prove her worthiness as a daughter?
”See Mom, what a good daughter I am? I would not allow them to stick you in a room with three other people!”
”See Mom, what a good daughter I am? I bought you special baby wipes. Your azz is just too special for a washcloth - one that (horror of horrors) might have been previously used on the butt of a slumper!”
And, all of SILs ritual plate spinning. Rituals, I suspect rooted in a warped (more than usual) OCD. So warped because while the rituals of businesses might make her feel a temporary control - it is only making matters worse in the long run.
Its really neither here nor there, when you get down to it - just WHY SILs is motivated to do as she does. But it is so incredibly sad that at SILs age she is still so controlled by her mother. All mil has to do is say something about being sad or say something to trigger guilt - and off SILs spins. The next Fix It. The next Whirlygig.
As others have said - this is just the pre-game show. Things are likely gonna get a whole lots uglier regardless of how many room-mates mil has.
My hair stylist says the reason - fate, nature, karma - whatever - has these old folks get so incredibly nasty, mean, difficult - whatever - is so that when the time comes for the tough decisions to be made by their children - even when it comes to the passing away - that its easier on us. Even a blessing. I wonder if he’s right?
I wonder if sil will ever get there.
Consider whether hospice is an option that needs to be looked at.
I had already mentioned the above to SIL in our travels and prefaced it with the CHF argument as a possible qualilfier, she hadn't argued with me . on the whole CHF piece as I said she might, but she sure was not up to her normal self today . feeling really really bad
So when I was talking to DH on the phone . and had both of their ears . I said, "I just think you guys are going to have to not discount any option to consider Hospice . and talk to the doctors . ask them what is her prognosis for getting better in all of this . considering all of her other periphery issues, . does the CHF qualify her for Hospice .. I just think it's almost cruel to continue to subject her to trying to get well when maybe she can't . maybe she just won't ... she needs to be given that option . if it's one available to her, and you won't know until you talk to the doctors about it . and see if it's an option".
SIL then questioning out loud . DH on speaker phone . ."so what you just say to her, . do you want to get hospice involved?, .. I don't know . I really don't know if she qualifies".
Me: "No, you talk to the doctors outside of her ability to hear it, to find out if that's even an option for her . and if it is . then you present that to her, as an opition if she'd like to consider it and call for a consult .. you won't know until you ask . I just think it's almost cruel at this point .. she can't . or won't ... rehab . she just isn't able and we know that she doesn't even want to . all so she can . as she puts it . "go live in a nursing home" .. it's just cruel to not at least look at it".
DH weighing in on speaker phone: "She would think that means she gets to go home, . dad got to . with Hospice .. ".
SIL: "She can't go home .. she requires too much care . she needs skilled care, it would have to be hospice brought into one of these places we're going to look at, we've asked that of these places and they do . they routinely bring in Hospice is that's the path taken . and so it's a possibility there. . I guess we just tell her, once we get her situated .. "here you are . now you can fight to live . or we'll get Hospice coming and you can go on to your cloud".
Me: "Pretty much yea . assuming you've talked to the doctors and verified that as an otpion".
SIL: "She can't do that where she is presently at POSH can she?".
Me: "No I don't think so . she starts talking giving up there . they send her on . .to her next stop in all this .. to Purgatory or to Woodlands or whatever . no . she doesn't get to stay there .. unless she is truly rehabbing . and that has been spotty at best . her abiity to even do it".
As things stand at present .. SIL was carted home by me, too sick to even think another minute .. and so . what happens next . we'll see. I will continue to drive that point to DH . in talking to him some.
Do you think MIL turns on the waterworks because she thinks she can manipulate H (who is so sad -- she most know this?) into derailing the NH plan? Does she sense his weakness?
I guess SIL would like MIL to stay at POSH because she has a private room. Her mother is just too special to have to share a room! I'm thinking that MIL might be be discharged from rehab sooner than Apr. 15, since she doesn't seem to be making much progress.
Again, just a thought.
SIL cut from that cloth. I think she even though she could do it .. to see her mom's end days thru . as she put it, .. walk this last chapter of her life with her ..
But she soon found out, with her mom living with her, it's way way way too much . and she cannot in fact, do it . f/t . .end of days, . and so on. Can't do it.
I think in a perfect world, like in the movies maybe .. the LO gets ill . I dunno .. some kinda cancer . nobody shows you the grueling day in and day out . of it all. They don't show that part, who would watch it? In the movies, the person is "LIVING" . the LO is "LIVING" .. they have "LIFE" .. there is purpose . .there is drive . there is "LIFE". Then one day there is this dreaded dx . and so you know LO is going to get sicker and sicker and so you make plans to see this person thru their final chapter . and that . maybe bring in Hospice, surround the LO with care . .and people that mean something to them in their final days . .lovingly spoon feed them ice chips when they can no longer consume foods .. and they don't show you the part about wiping their azzes . of the chit .. or the part about the vomit .. or the part about the numerous trips to a doctor with an ailing LO so sick they can't even navigate . or they don't show you the part .. about the hatefulness that can ensue in the LO . no . everybody sees the movie where the LO is surrounded by the people they love . and the doc that comes and is so attentive . and the HC workers . coming and going .. and then the LO slips the surly bonds of this earth . to quote a famous politician . and sails off to their here after .. and one can be proud that they walked that chapter with the person ..
Maybe in a perfect world, or only in the movies .. someone slips into their hereafter . after a life of LIVING . and a sentence to death . .of maybe six months . we can all give up six months to sit with and pat the hand of someone we love and feed them ice chips and wipe their brow . we can all do that.
Not all get to depart this life in the picturesque way described above. Some it's a whole lot messier and a whole lot uglier .. and .. the doing it . the day in and day out of it .. for years and years . becomes more than one can do.
It could be it's the same rotten lousy lesser of evils currently the case .. or maybe it is . more care in the end . won't know til we ask.
I will keep driving that point. It will accomplish one of two things hopefully . either they can get some answers . .and no she doesn't qualify . so we know where things stand . MIL you can give up but here's what your life will be when you give up . bed ridden, pressure sores, pneumonia, blood clots . that's going to be your fate. Because if you give up . nobody can wave a magic wand and make you better . if you can't won't rehab . then that's what your future holds .
Or you can start fighting to live .. it's up to you.
Or maybe she qualifies . and so the fight to keep trying to do something she "says" she can't . doesn't wanna do . will be over for her. And maybe in the end, the care looks a little different.
Or maybe .. the more likely scenario .. everyone dances around suggestions made from my corner, ignoring them and DH goes on being sad sad sad . and despondent and SIL continues to dance a jig on her head spinning 40 plates with her toes . .all while the chitapalooza sprays routinely in explosions.
I see her as truly .. thru and thru . not wanting to walk this walk. It and final.
And yet stuck in this quagmire of .. folks coming to drag her outta bed . to a BP that won't cooperate for her to do so .. and her broken brain that doesn't tell her to drink, further weakening her in dehydration .. and .. chitapalooza that sprays routinely against her will .. and staff that don't come as readily as she'd like. In all, a whole demeaning process that she never wanted to be caught in to begin with . wanted her cloud to come for her before any fate as described above.
She is indeed playing to the weakest link in it all, in DH . but I don't think she has any recognition for that. And that somehow if she turns on the water works, he'll see to it this whole NH or AL talk gets shelved.
Unfortunately for him I guess .. we aren't made of $ and him have the luxury to say "well that's it . I'm retiring and my retirement is gonna be spent so that my mom can live at home . and I WILL TAKE THE REIGNS . now you guys back up ..I got this".
I think he'd like to think he can do that. But his exhibits in the past few years . have shown he isn't capable of it, even if he thinks he is. But not only that his pocketbook dictates that he doesn't have that as any option .. to now retire and his life becomes about his mom's happiness. It is N-O-T in the cards for him ..
I wouldn't wish this on either of my parents and my day may come with them .. but I have the worst time understanding why it is these two can't compartmentalize better than they show themselves able to do. I just think (I know I haven't lived it . not in my own parent) .... if it were me, .. yes I'd be sad to see my dad or mom now relegated to a life in a NH . .but I would be able to be better visualizing the fact that their care is too great . I can't do it . and that it needs skilled care . and that their needs . while maybe not met as timely as they'd like, will be met by trained paid professionals . and I can just visit .. compartmentalize.
I don't for the life of me get it why the two of them cannot seemingly do that. This is all so so sad .. so sad .. if you ask them.
YES H377 it's sad . but .. it's not the end of life as we know it .. there isn't a meteor striking in your front yard to end life as you know it .. people get old damnit ... it happens. Life goes on.
I don't understand it .. !!!!!!!!!!!
Edit--Has anyone checked MIL's hemoglobin? Th low bp and tearfullness were symptoms last time, yes?
Ummmmmmmmm.....
At this brisk rate, SIL is going to kill herself. Can't anyone talk to her? She is literally burning out. A great book "The body keeps score"....she's heading for emotional and physical burnout she may not recover from.
And guess what? MIL doesn't give a hoot. Truly. IMHO, Hospice could have been called weeks ago, no problem with 'qualifying'...I'm sure she does. And do NOT bring her home for it.
WHY are they attempting to rehab someone so sick and so compromised? So she can sit, miserable and crying in some NH she is going to hate? (and you know that despite running the roads looking for the BEST one, she is going to hate it. And let you know that, too)
Yes, we can all be judgmental about what bad choices she made in the past that got her here. Pointless, now. For 2 years we have "watching" her tank, over and over and over.
The final tanking is happening right now. She won't eat. She'd too befuddled by everything to remember to drink. She gets dehydrated, then goes 'crazy'. She cannot control her bladder or bowels. SIL freaks out b/c MIL is not doing well. MIL IS with it enough to know that this is not what she wanted, but she isn't going to rehab to any level of what she was before, which was not that great. All she really knows is that she's miserable and angry. Always the anger...
Are they forcing her to eat? Are they running IV's to keep her hydrated? Neither of those things need to be addressed if she 'chooses' hospice. She can make the decisions as to what level of care she'll want in it. Doesn't want to drink--she isn't forced. Doesn't want to get up? OK, that's fine.
Doesn't she have the DNR signed and hanging somewhere? I have forgotten!
Keeping her alive like this is torture, to me. When my dad just said "enough"..then it was enough. He stopped drinking and eating and was kept comfortable with the appropriate meds. His passing was beautiful and to me, very sacred. He had been such a dignified man--to lose that--well, that was it for him. He did want it, but as a family, we needed to be on board with it. All of us.
DH and SIL do in fact need a big old slap of reality. Like, all the players who are NOT DH AND SIL need to have a meeting and talk tough with these two idiots.
Ask them where they TRULY see their mom in 6 months. Realistically? I would not want anyone I cared about to go through the indignities that happen when we simply 'age out.'
There isn't TIME for the amount of therapy that would be needed for these two yahoos to get their heads around the fact that their mother is going to die. Sooner rather than later. Do they NOT get that EVERYBODY dies? How can this fundamental KNOWLEDGE have passed them by?
No matter what happens from now until the end..both SIL and DH are going to "shoulda, coulda, woulda every.single.choice."
Deep breaths, Dorker. You're the one sane voice here--don't get any more involved than you've had to.....
I can’t believe no one has been able to really get through to her & convince her that it is time to step back and focus on herself while the professionals take care of MIL. shes reverting back. Everyone is reverting back.
I feel for you Dorker, I really do. As a DIL myself, in a similar situation......I can see that your husband is neglecting to see how all of this affects you, him and your family life. You are his support person. It’s you who has to listen to him lamenting over his mother’s situatuon and you that has to see him depressed. Time that could be spent with you, your children and grandchildren is spent with his Mother, listening to her cry about wanting to go to the cloud. Clearly this is affecting him emotionally. What is he doing for self care? He’s cancelled plans he had because he didn’t feel up to it. He needs to take care himself too.
Its just really a crappy situation. No one wants to end up in MILs shoes. No one wants to put their parent(s) in a nursing home. But it has to be done.
Like you, I don’t understand it either. I don’t understand why they won’t take the reigns. Same situation with my FIL, husband and his 2 siblings. They all know what needs to happen but no one communicates and no one is moving. I’m just glad that he will be going to a nursing home and NOT to SILs house. I tell you, hubby and his sister are about as clueless as your hubby and SIL. They had a brief conversation the other day and were talking about if he goes to SILs house and hubby said “I don’t see why they couldn’t get home care for him like mom had”. Like mom had? Really? I wanted to say, your mom did not have homecare, she was on home hospice and she had her spouse there 24/7 wiping her bum, feeding her, medicating her, cleaning her, doing literally everything for her. She had a CNA who came for about an hour 3x a week & all she did was bathe MIL, put her in a clean gown & change her bedding. MILs spouse did everything else. FIL needs 24/7 SKILLED care, not home hospice. He does not have a spouse to take care of him like MIL did. He does not have a child that can be there 24/7 either. He’s got chest tubes, a feeding tube, a catheter and is on oxygen. And these people think he could come home on hospice only? I wanted to ask, what the hell are you people thinking? Hearts are in the right place but the brains are not.
All I can come up with is that.....when your parent is in this sad crappy situation.....you don’t think straight. You are holding on to hope that they will get better and be able to take care of themselves again. You probably think that placing them in a nursing home is a failure on your part. It’s the only way I can reason with your SIL & hubbys behavior /thought process and my hubby & in-laws thought process.
Its extra help, positive visitors, chaplains, aides. I wish we'd gotten it for my mom when she first became eligible, but poa brother resisted until the very very end.
Talk to the Stephens Ministry ladies about this, Dorker.
I love your concept of "spa day". You were such a blessing to your MIL!!
It all depends on the people in the Hospice organization. With very few exceptions, my experience has been that they are some of the best.
I agree with a comment here - they did not do IV's. They did do things to make Dad comfortable. My understanding was that the days of calling the ambulance/rescue squad were over when Hospice was involved. No more trips to the ER, no more hospitalizations. That was hard for me, but it all was hard for me and in the end I was very grateful for Hospice.
There is also Palliative care which is like pre- hospice, but we didn't use that. Things moved along too quickly for that.
So by this afternoon, it's reported that the PT guy came back (a PT guy that MIL is fond of), . he came back . and they worked again, to get her up .. and this time it worked . and they got her across the hall to the PT room .. (the normal PT room is down the hall, but there's a smaller version, just across the room from MIL's .. and it's about for one person, very small) . and the guy worked with her there, in the small PT room, and she said the following:
"now don't you give up on me, I'm going to work very hard, don't you give up on me".
This after a morning with DH . of "I just want to go ahead and die, today .. I don't want to fight back from this, I can't fight back from this, it's too much . ... all for what, ..??.. to go spend the rest of my days sitting in a nursing home".
Inside of a few hours it goes to her telling PT guy, "don't give up on me".
Nucking futz! That's what. She's nutz.
To quote SIL on the above: "That sure doesn't sound like somebody ready to throw in the towel and give up".
WTH?
Assurance by SW and by PT .. and by doc .. "it's not abnormal for them to struggle as they come to grips with their new reality and feel sorry for themselves and have days where they say they want to quit . and give up".
This brings SIL to the following: "She can't give up right now any way . not while at POSH . she gives up there . and she gets ejected .. it's a straight Rehab unit .. so . if she's gonna give up . she's gonna have to decide that once she goes to her Medicaid Pending site . there she can give up if that's what she wants to do . .it's a true LTC . and there they can take care of her, if that's what she wants, or if she wants to throw in the towel . and give up . it's up to her at that point, either fight to live . .or .. don't .. there at LTC . she can make that decision . .but not now, not while at POSH".
She had a long talk with DH tonight . who was hit hard by all the doom and gloom of his morning visit with his mom. A long overdue talk with DH . and maybe it hit home with him, who knows.
Her stressing to her brother that this is the reality . no one likes it . it's sad yes . but necessary . etc etc. And maybe trying to bring him along to where she is in all this . that while he wants to sit around wringing his hands and woe with me about the sad plight of his mom . doesn't change it . and so . get on with the biz of realization that it's necessary . that she can't care for her mom . it's too much, she tried . .. and more importantly, that her mom . she wasn't happy . not in her own home, not in SIL's home . what she wants (their mom) is her youth . and no one can give that to her . and so she falls into these pits of self pity and despair and has no reason to fight back thru this . for what . a nursing home .. .. as SIL put it talking to DH . "She's gonna have to figure that out . whether her life can have any purpose . a new purpose . going forward .. it sure wasn't sitting in her home isolated and unhappy and unsafe . and it wasn't sitting in my home either . so .. she's gonna have to reach down deep and find a new purpose . whatever that is . or she won't . that's up to her".
Good for her. I hope it fell on open ears. I heard her talking to him about it all and it sounded hopeful . in that he seemed to be listening/absorbing what was said.
But tomorrow with it's woes .. is a whole different animal, so who knows..
Now if someone could get to her . and make her understand that she doesn't have to be at that Rehab site every day stroking her mom . that'd be good.
I know that M feels strongly about it and has tried . but as M puts it . "nobody is gonna be able to do that for my mom . make her see it . my dad can't . I can try . but until she decides that she's gonna move on and make a life for herself outside all this that is granny and her woes .. it's up to her, she's the only one that can"
I think maybe SIL's moment of clarity brought about by stepping away from it today in her own woes of feeling so bad . had to go home and go to bed. Says she gets these sinus/migraine like headaches like . rarely . but when she does . it puts her down for the count. And she was . down.
She had no choice today but to go home and go to bed . stepped away from the geriatric scene for the day.
Ah but tomorrow . they are finally going to try to get MIL bathed/showered . and part of that will be to wash her hair (she hasn't been able to bathe in like 3 weeks) .. and so SIL wants to be there to dry her hair and roll it for her, so she's going back to POSH tomorrow and will likely find herself sunk in it all again.
If MIL really had a death wish, would she even be worried about being somewhere with all those "old" people? Or would she worry about being in a quad room? Really?
She probably does want the peaceful cloud to come for her at some point, someday. I mean, who of any of us wants to go through pain and suffer? But if you were to ask her if she's ready to sign up for hospice, you or her kids would probably hear from her that you are just trying to "get rid" of her.
I agree with SW and PT guy that maybe she is going through the normal process of trying to come to terms with the new normal, but the whole bit about wanting to just give up and die? Nah, not buying it. Good for SIL for recognizing that it's up to her mom, and not her responsibility as to whether her mom adjusts or "gives up".
But anyway, I do think there's a similarity in the way you're monitoring and gauging MIL's progress. Ups and downs are exactly what to expect. You can't tell anything useful by them.
You especially can't tell anything useful about them or anything else unless and until you have a complete grasp of her medical history. Which you don't, and even more frustratingly nobody seems to be attempting.
Wash your hands of it, Dorker. Do some of that compartmentalising! Hug DH, hug MIL, drive SIL places, make soothing noises, yes, all of these things are useful and helpful and charitable. The decision-making? Forget it. Big waste of time and headache, and just not your responsibility.
Just curious...does SIL call you every day to fill you in? Is she not calling H? I know she called last night and she and her brother had a long chat. But is that the norm?
Like others here, I am concerned that she may be taking your interest and involvement to be indicative of what you will provide in the future when she's gone back to IL. Do you really see H as doing any more than he's doing now? Once MIL is in Purgatory or Woodlands or wherever, it will most likely be at least a semi-private room. A roommate for Queen Narcissa! He will be mired in the sadness of it all and be incapable of functioning in any useful capacity.
Keep us updated.
As to being the stepper/fetcher in SIL's absence .. I suspect there will be some more testing of boundaries and let's all start over here people . and realize I'm not the stepper fetcher and fights that ensue, and for CHRISSAKES DORKER ..
It's coming. I've been nothing but clear, . and I am not the stepper and fetcher presently .. I am not running around to get to all things big and small as to MIL .. I go and see her maybe 1 or 2 x's a week (and have yet to do so this week, have to get that done, but actually dreading it at this point).
In our travels yesterday, SIL and myself, . I had imparted to her how badly DH is taking all this, .. walking around forlorn and so sad, all the time. Maybe that's in part, why she had some long conversation with him last night. And no that's not typical. The typical of those two .. is that he doesn't answer his phone . she knows this .. thus doesn't call him . routinely . it's just the facts mam . that's how it is .. I guess. Nobody gets mad at him for not answering his phone . .it's just how it goes .. and so .. blase .. that it's just how it is. Not typical the two of them talk . I've said all along .. nobody talks to anybody, and that hasn't changed, not really. Even I have a hard time getting him to answer his phone! Even just to say to him, "hey so and so wants us to come to dinner on Saturday night, how's that work for you" .. can't get him to answer his phone. Fortunately I know where he lives and can track him down . if I need his ear .. SIL not so much.
Maybe our talking yesterday, SIL and myself .. prompted her to try to reach out to her brother .. and try to help him to get a better handle on his own sadness w/it all. I don't know if it helped or not. I slept in more (me the early riser) . this morning . and when I got up . found him with his cup of coffee .. and some tears .. as he put it, "I'm just grieving ... grieving the whole thing .. it goes on and on . .and what she wants is to just die .., it's okay I can grieve".
Very obvious listening to the two of them, .. they are both in agreement their mom .. vanity/vain/dramatics, denial of aging . etc .. set the course for this tough pill she can't seem to swallow .. I agree 1000%. In fact, SIL imparting to DH in their conversation that she'd talked to MIL's sister yesterday (the 94 yo sister that had a heart attack a few months back, lives in her own home . in VA . just lost her husband last month). She'd been saying to that sister . what a tough terrible/horrible/awful time her mom is having with all this. And the sister even said it to SIL "your mom has always been in denial of aging". BINGO!
Was very telling in talking with SIL yesterday as we traveled around .. and imparting to her how sad her brother is with all of this . not taking it well .. and her asking why that is . that she too is sad .. but also on the page that it's necessary .. her asking . does he think that there's some other way . is that why he's so sad .. what does he think.
I told her, .. I think he does see it as necessary just like you do . but .. he is just sad that it has to take this turn for her .. a turn she never wanted .. and it will now leave her .. in her waning days here .. sad and heartbroken . no one wants that for a loved one .. to think that she will
leave this world sad and heartbroken . and in a place she never wanted to be, . .it makes him sad for her .... SIL asking .. does he think he can fix it, is he feeling guilty what? I don't think so . no .. he knows he can't fix it .. he doesn't seem to feel guilty no . just sad .. the pits of despair she's in over the whole thing . he's right there in the bottom of that pit with her patting her head and her hand . and so sad right there with her, .. I don't know .. he's just so sad ..
SIL: "Ya know .. yea she may leave this world sad and heartbroken . probably a lot of other people do too .. it's probably only a few that die that get to tie up loose ends . and make peace with their world . and go on . to what awaits them . a lot of people die .. troubled .. and that may be what awaits her . if she doesn't do what she needs to, to adjust . and she may never .. I was there too, you remember .. I was gonna bring her to my house .. and I was gonna make sure she ate good, make sure she stayed hydrated, get her some PT .. get her stronger . and it was all gonna be okay .. I was on that page . It went completely the opposite . having her at my house, .. everything was such a struggle and months of problems having her in my care . I couldn't do it anymore .. I can't fix this .. and I know that, I'm at peace with it all .. I hate it that she's sad .. and heartbroken .. but . there's nothing I can do to fix that .. the only thing I can do is try to find the least lousiest of all these places, to make sure that her needs are met . at least some of the time . and .. that's what I can do at this point, because I'm at peace with it all, that I can't fix this .. I tried ..
Her talking of her own denial of it all .. and then mentioning my position in all this herself . mentioning that. "Dorker you tried to get us all to see it .. back when the twins were coming, I'm sure you were ready to throttle all of us idiots .. telling us at that point . that she isnt' managing . and everyone just ignoring you, that had to be so frustrating!".
Me: "yes .. it has caused me more anguish than you can imagine . but I too am at peace with all this but have been for a long time . saw it coming .. tried to tell you all! .. but nobody wanted to hear it".
SIL "Oh I know, I wouldn't of heard you . if you'd of told me bringing mom to my house that it would've gone the way it did . I wouldn't of heard you . and I'd of thought you were wrong . but I lived it .. the sleepless nights . it's like trying to take care of a newborn baby 24 hours a day . but .. it's not a baby it's a big person . who might fall . or might eat the wrong thing . or might not take their medicine . or might get sick . and usually does . and I couldn't do it anymore".
SIL admits she was too enmeshed (I would argue she still is and did so . in our talking) .. but she justifies her actions . no matter what you say to her, . it's like M said of her, . "only she can change it all, and come to a place where she makes a life for herself outside of granny's woes .. dad can't change it .. I can try . but it's up to her, only she can do it" .. so saying that to her, doesn't change it. She seemed genuinely engaged in trying to sort out what it is about DH that makes him so sad . so so sad.
As I told her, .. "I have to think part of it, . he's the one person . who hasn't been in the damn trenches . oh yea, he's had to stay a night or two .. when she was ill . but for the most part, his world hasn't been rocked routinely by her circumstances .. that would be you . that would be me, . to a lesser extent than yourself .. but both of us have had our worlds upended by her incessant deep need . routinely . not him .. sans the night or two to sit with her, when sick . that wasn't him schlepping back and forth to docs . and her not following orders . and so on . his world continued on as he knew it . always.
She agrees with that.
It was all interesting to someone living it.