I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
No, Medicaid won't take her auto, we asked. She is allowed the use/ownership of one auto .. even if she can't drive, and is incapacitated in a nursing home. Someone (ostensibly) may have to drive her, it's thought . .and so if the car driven to cart her around, happens to be her very own car .. then that's fine by Medicaid. They won't be taking it.
BUT ...................
She isn't allowed to just "give it away" for $0 dollars. Nope, not allowed. The thinking there, .. you have assets . .you're wanting to rid yourself of . then pay for your own care ..
I get that. I understand the reasoning. So no "gifting" that car, not now .. maybe never.
BUT ... At some point that Medicaid will be approved .. and she can sell it at that point if she wishes .. and for a cheap/low price .. if that's what she wants to do. The funds will indeed be utilized for her care.
As it stands presently, that auto is in the use of SIL who is here visiting from IL. That's how SIL gets around .. to the grocery store, to see her mom, .. to go to meetings with atty's and social workers .. etc etc. She uses the auto that belongs to MIL.
The insurance on it, .. at present is paid up .. via MIL's checking account. When it renews . .depending on where we are with things at that point . SIL . still utilizing the car? She'll pay the auto insurance, she's the one using the car.
When the house is dispensed with . and no reason for SIL to be on site here day in and day out . and no need for the use of that car . then .. at that point . maybe it becomes YD's car . for a cheap/low price .. I don't know. But at that point, YD will pay for the insurance on that auto . if she's the one driving it.
SIL has said that when she leaves in May (intends to return here to continue seeing all this thru . but when remains unclear, but she doesn't have years and years .. the RM will be calling for their home they own .. at some point). She will be returning here. She's said when she comes back, rather than flying, she will likely drive her own car here . .that way she can cart back some things she wants from MIL's home . she hopes .. (must not want anything big I don't guess).
If she's here and has her own car . having driven here from IL . then she won't need MIL's car to get around. But if Medicaid is still pending . that car stays in MIL's name .. until Medicaid is approved.
At that point .. a decision can be made as to how much to "sell" it to YD for. And it will be dispensed with.
Vehicle has had to be sold for “fair market value”.
If vehicle is sold after Medicaid approved then you have those funds that have to be depleted within the month. In other words spent in a way Medicaid approves. Even if proceeds from car are $1500.00 that can put MIL way over her monthly limit in her checking account and cause problems. Not sure what the Trust account consist of. Maybe that is where Attorneys office is going to direct the funds.
If Attorney says do nothing until Medicaid approved. Nothing needs to be touched as far as title to car is concerned. No names added. No names removed.
Obviously, there needs to be clarification from attorney when the car is to be liquidated. Price, and where the funds are to be directed.
Yes, the car has to be maintained and occasionally driven while SIL returns temporarily to her home in IL. While the car is driven (by SIL) insurance has to be carried. Is insurance carried by and in SILs or MILs name? Good question for attorney and MILs insurance agent.
Reading about it all. If it's gunna be sold it would have to be at Fair Market Value.
Im not sure (but I'm also not gunna worry with it) whether funds from sale would then go into the trust ... but they can't go into her checking acct throwing that balance over $2k.
I just don't know. But I don't have to know....none of us do .. not right now.
For the time being she isn't even Medicaid Pending. That's coming, but not yet upon us. The auto is her's and SIL drives it while here in town.
Insurance and auto both in MIL's name at present. Nobody is transferring titles or adding names.
Sounds like ultimately we'll have her car parked in our DW. I don't need/want it. MIL will ultimately no longer have her home, where the car lived in her garage. My guess, it'll have to live here, rarely used.
The rub? 99.9% of the time, the showtiming is aimed at someone who is not the caregiver.
How do we know that showtiming is “a thing?”
Because time after time, the caregiver witnesses the showtiming. Witnesses Mom or Dad acting lucid for the mailman or the priest or a prodigal son.
Then - like clockwork - the moment the audience is gone, Mom/Dad drops the filter.
Why bother, right? It’s “only” the caregiver with Mom/Dad now.
Caregivers grow weary of never being worthy of such a performance.
Wrong-headed, I know. But caregivers are HUMAN.
Caregivers are not perfectly-detached neuro-plasticity experts who like to blow off steam by dabbling in social work and speech pathology.
Caregivers also grow weary of the fall-out from Mom’s/Dad’s post-performance crash.
It sounds as though you are making small yet positive strides with slowly emptying the house. Getting rid of books is huge. For us it is still going on. My mother collected books endlessly. So did her family. Old books that have not been always stored well take on an odor in it's own category. Poor Mid. I can't believe all the amount of useless material your mother feels the need to keep. If my mother had not had a stroke which reduced her ability with decision making we would have been in the same boat. Drifting at sea in a sinking ship.
Going to try to go back to sleep. Woke up in a sweat from a dream about whether to have more children. Never so glad to be 62.
As for me, taking a little small mini excursion today and tomorrow. Heading out of town with DD & twins for a mini-vaca. Taking twins to a water splash park and an attraction theme park.
I expect sooner rather than later, transition place will call with an open semi private room and the transfer from POSH will ensue. That, from more than one angle is going to upset the apple cart in large measure.
Always up-ending to an elderly to move from one setting's familiar surroundings and staff to another setting. But in MIL's case, someone who a psychiatrist could take decades to sort thru her denial of aging and frailty that's pummeling her in the face daily these days. To now find herself unsettled again, unfamiliar surroundings, but those dreaded old slumpers aplenty in her midst.
A whole other set of drama awaits unfortunately. Not looking forward to it, other than one can hang it on the hook of *progress being made*.
Will try to enjoy my brief excursion and change of scenery. Might possibly be the calm before the storm.
Have a great time. Even if it's exhausting, it will be fun!
I doubt anyone with Medicaid is really that interested or invested in the small amt of money that car is worth. You're all straining at gnats and swallowing camels. (Did I mess that up?) When my FIL could no longer safely drive, DH simply handed the keys to the car to his sister who did not even OWN a running car. Nobody ever said anything. They were far more interested in the value of stocks, bonds, rentals, etc. Not a 5 yo car.
MIL is slated to be moved, and soon. She is going to blow her stack no matter where she goes. How much hand holding and fussing you want to do is up to you. It's really SIL and DH's problem.
Emptying the house will take ages-- and then suddenly it will need to be done RAPIDLY as the RM comes to play. I'd focus on that, not the daily crazy show at the rehab place.
Oh and as to the showtiming? My mother's not dxed with dementia, but if she were tested, I'm sure we'd see serious cog decline.She can perk up and 'fake it' for about 1/2 hour and then she begins repeating herself and forgetting things. It's something with the reptilian brain of ours--we can be "on" for a while, our core brain function allows for that--then it just can't maintain.
Mother will repeatedly ask for things and ask and ask--so I (used to) cooperate and without question, she really DIDN'T want that problem solved or the reunion planned. She just liked to talk.
And when my mom was moved from the hospital to gross rehab facility she had CHOSEN--holy sweet mother of pearl--she screamed non stop until they sedated her. Sis steps in with a calm head and a bulging checkbook and all was well. SMH. Money can buy a lot of 'happiness'. We moved mother to a posh rehab joint and she was as happy as she could be,I guess.
I can't fathom taking 2 -2 yo's to a water park and thinking that's a break :) I have done it many times and it's, um.....kinda stressful.
Enjoy--hope MIL remains stable so you can go with an easy heart.
Hey Dorker - enjoy your day! Calm before the storm is exactly right. SIL needs to build her energy now for this next step too!
Enjoy your outting with the twins!! You are one brave soul taking 2 toddlers!!!
SMH was easy enough to resolve with a quick google-ing: Shaking My Head.
Two yr olds at a water park? A lot of time and effort for toddlers who would probably be just as happy with a backyard blow-up wading pool an a garden hose. But hey, if it gets Dorker away from the flying monkey circus for a couple of days - more power to ya. I just hope for the sake of the other water guests DD has packed those darling tykes their “Little Swimmers”. That and that the park uses lots of chlorine. Lots. No offense.
Good Lord, - I hope these comment doesn’t send anyone scurrying from this thread. I do have a habit of babbling when nervous or frustrated.
Frustrated with dhs wiggling his way out of his responsibilities - but
I guess I can’t care more than Dorker does - to use a familiar phrase.
Nervous - that with about 12 days to go - there is still no bed on the horizon in a LTC facility. Of course these things can spin on a dime - available beds... I just hope sil
doesnt wind up with mil waiting it out a home - due to her Princess and the Pea Syndrome. Many of these places have the policy that once you turn down a room, your name gets moved to the bottom of the list.
Let’s sure as h3LL hope not.
HOPEFULLY, SIL and DH will be ready to make the decision and move MIL into the first/best place that has a room. What will happen if they are running out of time and she hasn't chosen a place to go? They keep her in the rehab indefinitely? Doesn't sound smart.
If Purgatory of The Woods .. (two selections as to her next stop) if they call, with an open bed ... it has to be taken .. otherwise .. run the risk that the 24th comes .. and she's sprung outta POSH with nowhere to GO! (GASP/HORROR). So .. all of us are aware .. if there's an open bed, better jump on it.
On the other end of that spectrum and not answered to, ... SIL turned down a quad and has been as obvious as she knows how to be, that she's not interested in a quad.
SIL even running this past, Medicaid Betty for feedback .. as well as SW Jessica for feedback. Here was the take from each, .. when SIL asked the following: "I mean, .. do we HAVE TO TAKE A QUAD?????................... can we hold out for a semi private .. I mean a private would be even better, but seems like that's not ever going to be an option, so .. semi private .. .but do we have to take the Quad"
Here were the respective answers from each:
SW Jessica: "Well .. I mean it's a means to an end, to get your foot in the door there . and so . once you get there, you can request a transfer to a semi private, but it's a way to get your foot in the door"
<to my chiming in now w/a question> Me: "did they shoot themselves in the foot in refusing a quad . and now set up a scenario where the site/facility isn't all that motivated to find any bed for her?".
SW Jessica: "Well it all just depends on the human factor . and the intake director and how motivated they are to find a bed .. really in the end ... I guess we wait and see".
(all the above as regards the quad that was offered at Purgatory a week or so back and summarily declined).
SIL then reached out to Medicaid Betty in a phone call with that same question, .. "Do we have to take a quad .. can't we hold out for a semi private ...."
Medicaid Betty: "No .... let's hold out .. we can do that .. we have some wiggle room here in that she has an extension at POSH ... and ... these beds at these places are all so fluid .. and beds opening up every few days one way or the other, we don't have to jump on a quad right away".
So ... all of that to say . in the end, there is awareness that while there has been extension granted (at the behest of POSH .. due to the fact many obstacles health-wise, with MIL, impeded her ability to participate in PT, initially, .. and at present .. sporadically). There has been an extension approved .. but that doesn't mean she gets to stay there .. at POSH .. were the Purgatory or The Woods call with an open bed. What would happen if a quad opened again and was offered, .. would SIL continue to decline it? I don't know .. and DH is on board with her thinking on that also. I don't have a dog in the show, .. thus I don't weigh in.
As to the little weekend jaunt with the wee ones. Whew .. !!!.....whirlwind of exhaustion. But kinda knew it would be that way. Was with DD for this gig . not just me, taking two 2 yo's along. Nope, not that brave. No thanks.
And as to the water park . yes we had swimmie diapers .. very familiar with those. And the water park .. it was actually a part of the hotel where we stayed .. they had a few swimming pools .. one of which is for little ones . about ankle deep .. and then a splash park/water park kinda thing, right outside the hotel door. So ... that was how that came to play. And the other leg of the trip included going to an amusement park where there has been built a special section for little ones, Sesame Street mock up .. and so we took them to that, little rides for little ones, characters from Sesame Street, etc. Was cute, but exhausting.
And on another note .. I thought I'd lose my mind. Talk about pulling SIL out of the damn weeds.
Some may remember back a few hundred posts ago. As we began looking around for sites for housing MIL as we go forward. There is one that is very close to our home .. like 5 mins from here. No, not the "We are Family" site .. a different one, . also .. as is "We are Family" very close to here .. but this is a different one . located also very close to our home.
We crossed that one off the list to even give any consideration .. and I'd mentioned it here ..
Reason: there had been a news story on in the Fall, that a 94 yo woman was raped .. resident there. That and DD's husband .. his g'father had been yanked from there, sub par care.
When this particular facility came up for consideration .... on the list of others, to go view. This particular site .. was crossed off the list for any consideration for the above reasons.
Never got off the ground as to any consideration at all, .. DH adamant .. aware of that story (SIL not so much, she doesn't live local, didn't know the story . til informed) .. both .. no . not a good place to even consider. So that one got no airplay at all, even though it's literally about 5 mins from here.
So, .. fast forward to now.
I'm off with DD and the kids for the weekend .. and on my news feed .. on my smartphone .. pops up .. a news story .. I guess because it reads the algorithms of things I search (LTC, Nursing homes, etc.).
Up pops a news story here local.
News story goes into telling that Fancy Pants has suddenly announced they are closing .. displacing some 64 residents.
Those of you who have read all this .. remember .. Fancy Pants .. one of the first places we visited .. and there .. most were up and about on walkers .. and it's a requirement there . .one has to dress one's own self daily and report to the dining area for meals .. so forth. SIL sold .. on that .. and me having to reel her in .. and in fact, get M involved to reel her mom in. "SIL your mom hasn't dressed herself daily in 2 years or more .. it's not gonna be a good fit for her". Got M involved ....................... FINALLY ....................... got SIL off that train of thinking Fancy Pants a suitable setting for MIL.
So suddenly it pops up in my news feed on my smart phone while I'm away with DD and the kids .. Fancy Pants is closing . and displacing 64 residents .. and the site is working to relocate these residents.
Interesting only from the respect, you will now have 64 residents that are now in need of where to be placed .. what does that do .. if anything .. as to the search and regards MIL . and her needing placement also. Now, . with this news story . one might infer .. OH MY GOSH ......................... now there are . not only the sad tales of others out there searching for placement in numbers that wouldn't be known to us .. and MIL among those .. but now we know for sure, .. 64 other residents of Fancy Pants are going to need placement too .. and pretty quickly . what's that gonna do to MIL and the search for a setting for her. Oh my gosh!
In the end, .. I don't know that it would have all that much impact .. because . the folks of Fancy Pants .. far more funcitionality than one sees in MIL . than one sees in these LTC's that we visit (and in the end, it was decided Fancy Pants .. their requirements vs MIL's ability to ambulate, etc .. dress herself, etc .. not a good fit) .. and so .. the inference could be made, . the impact this might have as to MIL's search . maybe nil in the end .. these are all .. Fancy Pants residents .. these are all . folks that ambulate better . in the end . and so .. their setting .. likely being sought . would be one that isn't as debilitated as what you see in these LTC's .
Maybe as the "search" now goes in earnest for the displaced 64 some odd residents of Fancy Pants .. maybe LTC's won't be
Maybe LTC's in the end . won't feel an impact from this news story .. because these folks don't need as much care as an LTC provides ..
But . I forwarded that article to SIL . from where I was out of town with DD and kids.
This caused almost panic in SIL .. and I offered the reassurances . and at least my inferences .. that maybe in the end, it's a non event .. and the reasons why . but just interesting to note .. that even if MIL were to have been fit to have gone there (she isn't) . .we'd be back at square one at this point, as they've announced they are closing for good.
This caused SIL to almost panic . and what's that going to do to any search going forward . will these 64 displaced residents now get first dibs . which then throws MIL and those like her out in the cold as to any open bed .. near panic in SIL.
My offering .. at least MO ... (which may be neither here nor there .. I'm certainly not an all knowing authority on any of this).
She fired off two emails .. one to SW Jessica . and another to Medicaid Betty like instantaneously to query whether this will throw things into a tail spin as to MIL.
I don't know that SW Jessica ever answered the email . but I know Medicaid Betty did answer . and she too was shocked to learn this news story . and said she'd get more info and get back with SIL . but didn't expect it to have any large impact on the MIL search .. but would get back with SIL.
In the meantime, SIL telling me .. that at POSH .. (POSH is owned by a big huge subsidiary umbrella corporation that has numerous sites ... throughout the area .. one of those that they own is none other than the site close to us .. where the woman was raped . the site that we crossed off any list as to looking into). POSH is owned by this subsidiary corporation . as is this site close to us that we didn't even go look at.
SIL then imparting to me that POSH had been short staffed as to PT/OT . and so "so and so corp" sent one of the staff from their PT/OT .. over to POSH from the site (the one we didn't even go look at).
SIL explaining to me that MIL's PT staff person for that day had been an individual borrowed from the site . .the one we didn't even go look at . 94 yo woman had been raped there, we crossed that site off our list to ever go look at for consideration. So SIL imparting to me that the PT staff individual that worked with MIL that day had been someone borrowed from the other site who'd come over for just the day to replace short staffed POSH.
This new PT person had told MIL while working with her, that she normally works at "X" site . and asked MIL had she considered going there to reside. MIL said to this person . that she has heard of it (MIL does not know the rape story) .. and that she had asked her kids to go look at it. This staff person working with MIL encouraged that we should look into it. MIL knows that site is close . very close to where we live .. she has that much memory .. but MIL doesn't know that there was a woman raped there .. it's been on the news . she doesn't know (no awareness of it, because it doesn't matter, . hadn't anyway before . that son in law's g'pa was yanked outta there by family, them feeling his care was sub par).
So MIL then puts in SIL's ear: "Ya know I was working w/that PT person today from "X" site . and I don't know why you guys haven't looked into that as as setting, it's so close to where Dorker and DH live .. you guys should look into it".
I'm over here like, . I guess I"m the one that's crazy here ...
So here's what SIL says to me: "Ya know I mentioned that site to Medicaid Betty .. she said the same thing I say .. it's probably .. since they've all been on the news .. it's probably one of the safest out there now . they've probably run to cover their tails at this point .. since they've all been on the news .. Betty felt the same .. mom keeps mentioning it
Mom keeps mentioning it . she knows how close it is to where you and DH live .. and she wants us to look at it, maybe consider it"
<head twisting off my shoulders, turning my head b'wards to puke green almost at this point .. am I the one that's nuts here>
My response to SIL: "Talk to your brother about it, . he .. as was I, all too aware of that news story .. as well as the g'pa to son in law and the sub par care, adamant .. dug in his heels didn't want your mom there ... absolutely not .. if you remember we crossed that one off the list for that very reason and never even went there to look at it .... "
SIL: "Well ya know I was talking to Betty about that news story . and it sounds like . that whole thing .. I don't know . maybe it's questionable whether there was any validity to it ... that the rape was reported but in the end, the rape had occurred like 2 years earlier, and they waited like 2 years to report it ..???.... I dunno .. sounded suspect .. and like Betty said .. (gee, SIL wants to feel the same way) .. it's probably the safest there is now . now that they've had the media all over them .. maybe we shouldn't count it out".
<my head again . .spinning around in circles, puking green almost .. >
My response: "Well talk to DH about it .. I vote no .. SIL think about it . your mom has been plagued with damn night terrors all of her life and has slept with her bedroom door locked for that very reason .. let's now send her somewhere that some careless individual that crosses her path . of the dozens she'll deal with . happens to mention that to her . that it was all in the news that a 94 yo woman was raped there . that'll be it . Katie bar the damn door .. she'll be then worried sick and why did we put her there, it's not safe there . and she dreams someone is in her room .. and so on .. I think that's a REALLY REALLY BAD IDEA".
<Pulling her outta the damn weeds yet again>
SIL: "You're probably right .. it is probably one of the safer ones now . now that they've had the news media all on their butts .... probably none safer anywhere .. but .. you're probably right, that's all it would take is for some one to mention that to her . and she'd be having nightmares and scared to death .. and it wouldn't be good".
At that I didn't respond anymore.
WHAT THE H377 IS WRONG WITH HER ..............................................
We didn't go look at that site for the very reasons named . and she knows those reasons ..
Yet she's ready to put that one back on the radar for consideration . simply because a PT staff was borrowed from there and mentioned it to MIL.
I did tell SIL, .. "if she brings it up again (MIL) I'll just flat out tell her, there's reason we didn't consider that one . and it's because a 94 yo resident there was raped .. and it's been all on the news, . it's not gonna be a good place to be".
SIL: "Yea maybe we should just tell her .. ".
Sheesh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Editing to add: I see the family of the rape victim is suing the facility. The police appear to have not been able to solve the case, but have cleared the staff. Also, security bars have been installed at entryways. In any case, MIL must be told of the rape, so she would probably not want to go there anyway.
You won't be going there a lot, so it doesn't really matter to you.
I don't think that it was any intentional effort to "hide" this fact from poor oh so meek MIL .
It was just a matter that we were given a list . at one point . of facilities to go view ..
Being that we live here in town . we were aware of that issue on that specific site .. and so .. also aware of .. son in law's g'dad and the supposed sub par care rec'd and the family having yanked him outta there. So . with that knowledge, . we crossed that off the list to go view before it even got any airplay at all.
I think the only reason it's come up on MIL's radar is that her memory (sketchy as it is these days) . her memory does serve her well that there is a site located very near where DH and myself reside . she's aware of that . has recollection/memory of that .. has mentioned it maybe 1 or 2 x's prior . but we didn't really even delve into dialogue on it, . us with the knowledge above and the knowledge we'd crossed it off as to any probability to go look at.
Then . I guess .. POSH having borrowed a PT personnel .. from that site . and that individual having mentioned to MIL . brought it back up onto MIL's radar .. and so she mentioned it to SIL again . who then .. I guess .. maybe questioning whether we should've nixed it .. brought it back up as a "should we maybe go look at it and give it consideration".
I think I'm objective enough .. to maybe see the forest for the trees in that MIL is a scary sort anyway .. always has been.
Even when her husband was alive .. all their married lives . they slept with the bedroom door locked .. after he died, same .. reason .. she gets night terrors where she dreams someone is in her bedroom .. and screams out .. and is terrified.. that continues to this day. Sleeping with the door locked (though that's not an option she can currently deploy any longer, living in a facility) .. has always been her means of trying to "control" that particular aspect. It gave her . so it would seem . a sense of feeling she had better control if her bedroom door was locked.
I know at one time .. (SIL is on some board online . something to do with a neighborhood where MIL lives . it's a message board/blog sorta thing . and it's intent is that if you need your roof repaired, or your lawn mowed, or a door hung, etc etc .. there on that blog . you put your request out there and others will weigh in as to who they've utilized for said services). So I know at one time on that message board/blog thing . there'd been some break ins . that some were reporting . in the vicinity . and SIL had asked me was I aware of it. No I wasn't, I'm not on that blog thing ..
She asked if had been on the news here . no it hadn't . not that I'd seen.
And her saying, at that time, something to the tune of: "I sure hope MIL doesn't hear about it, . she's so scary anyway . she'd be afraid someone was gonna break into her home if she knew it".
So . my inference there . she's so prone to be afraid . let's put her where there was an alleged rape that occurred and not tell her .. and then let her hear it somehow from one of the dozens that will cross her path .. you are asking for disaster.
No, .. if it comes up again, I WILL TELL HER .. "I guess you heard there was a 94 yo woman raped there and it was never solved".
Hopefully for MIL, that would put to bed any notion that is a direction anyone needs to be looking.
placing her there. This is the kind of scary thought that gets mixed up
in the demented mind and pops to the surface whenever any kind of fear or panic - about anything - starts to build. Why risk that?
Stick to your son-in-laws gfather having been there and had not received good care - if you need something to quite MILs request to go there.
And does SIL hope that in placing her close geographically . that she's gonna somehow "make" DH go and see their mom at a level suitable to her? When has she ever "MADE" DH do any damn thing in any of this?
Nobody has been successful at that .. in any of it.
SIL's goal .. always .. is to try to strive for her mom's "happiness" .. in whatever form that can be achieved. If she thought that since her mom brought it up .. her mom remembering how close it is to where Dorker/DH live .. if she thought it would make her mom *happy* (degrees of that so called happiness, but lost in the weeds SIL .. not really cognizant on that) ............ she'd place her mom where there are moats with gators in them .. that one has to hurdle to get around.
Exaggeration . but you get the point.
If anything, you might let MIL know you are looking for a facility NOT owned by these folks, as there would be concerns about staffing just like there are now.
Ultimately, it is up to DH and SIL. Would DH be willing to tell SIL, "NO, we're not gonna do that"? He really should.
This was at least five years ago. Mild dementia at that time.
I like the understaffed excuse. Appears to be true.
Plausible. MIL family looking out for her, not wanting her to be where there is not enough staff.
And yes rapes and even murders occur in NH across the country. More than in homes I don’t know. But they do occur.