I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
FWIW (not much), I agree that the inadequate caregiving is reason enough. I had forgotten about the ownership's being the same as POSH's.
nursing home for behavior issues. I was out of town when the nursing home called and said they were sending him to a behavioral facility. He had already been in 2 behavioral centers prior to the last one. He lasted less than a day at the first nursing home. He lasted 4 days at the 2nd one. He was put in the hospital because of some kidney dysfunction
which was probably because he was dehydrated. The SW
at the hospital called me when my dad was on their mental health floor at the hospital and told me that they had sent out 46 applications to nursing homes for my dad and he had been turned down by all of them. She said I would have to take him home or turn him over to a ward of the state and they would put him wherever they could find a place. It happened that my dad got pneumonia and after 4 days they
recommended hospice. I put him in hospice in the hospital and he died a week later. I really don’t know what I would have done with him if he had improved. I only weigh 100
pounds and I am on disability. The SW did not care!!! Be very careful turning down any beds unless SIL wants to have her back at home. It was the most horrible 3 months before he passed away. I keep him for 16 months until I was totally
burned out and physically unable to do it anymore. The Medicaid system is definitely messed up in Tennessee.
Good Luck with your journey. It can be a horrendous experience for MIL and SIL and DH. Dorker, you will get the
emotional overload that DH will go through. There is no escaping the mental anguish that comes with aging parents with no funds for proper care. My dad just died On March 10th so I am still shell shocked from all he and I had to go through. Hope you find a perfect place and have some peace to enjoy their last days.
I tell ya, it just all .. all of it is enough to make you nutz. I was telling DH of the whole saga .. where MIL is now pressing to have us go look at "X" site. "X" site the very one that he was adamant (at least initially), that NO, he didn't want his mom placed there .. worry that it's unsafe, etc. I mean he was dug in, firm, adamant.
Telling him of the saga that erupted while I was away ..
SIGH
I told him, . .this part he hung his hat on I guess ... told him this particular part of the story as told here also "SIL talked to Medicaid Betty .. and it sounds like Betty was saying .. that whole story .. seems kinda suspect .. in that .. this supposed rape occurred two years before it was even reported, so did it even really happen".
As part of telling DH that whole story, of what had erupted over the wknd (you'll see in a minute. the frustration thereof). I guess he hung his hat on that little snippet of what all was said . and then . he and his sister met yesterday at the bank to take care of some things as POA's .. and while there he told his sister, .. "ya know that "X" site, .. we really need to go look at it, .. it's so close to home".
"X" site wouldn't of even been on his radar at all, had I not brought up this whole thing that arose over the wknd .. wherein SIL now imparting that MIL had a PT staffer from "X" site to visit at POSH and recommended we look at it. I had imparted this whole story to DH .. in the objective of pointing out to him, should it arise again . there's a reason we didn't go look at that site .. and reminding him of his own sentiments on that "X" site.
But I guess, my having as part of what I said to him, .. "Sounds like Betty considers that maybe the whole story is somewhat suspect .. in that it wasn't even reported til two years after the fact" .. seems he took that .. and ran with it, .. in a manner of *oh well, now that changes the whole thing*.
So he then suggests to his sister, who he met at the bank to take care of some POA stuff . that the two of them should go look at and consider "X" site afterall, . since it's "so close".
What the h377 ever.
A quick google search of that whole story .. it's reported the rape occured in April 2018 .. and was reported . at that time, the woman carted to the hospital, evidence of sexual assault .. and the woman was moved by her family from that site .. and then lawsuit was brought forth in the Fall of 2018 .. so it wasn't "two years before, and so possibly suspect as any validity".
What ever!
I'm not weighing in any further on it .. at all. If the two of them wish to make the time to go view the site, and even find it suitable to put their mom there .. I'll just be standing down .. and then when it all goes to chit (and I predict it would, in the end) .. I'll stand down again .. with a ticker tape in silent replay in my brain, "told ya so".
It's infuriating to me that both of them in their pursuit .. seems paramount, first and most priority .. to make their mom "happy". Happy .. to them .. to their mom . is a relative term. She's NOT going to be happy .. no matter where she's placed .. but neither seem able to grasp that. To them, .. "Happy" will be found in the fact, she can be "so close" to where Dorker and DH live .. 5 mins from us. "Happy" in that any and all "need/want" .. can be satisfied with just a hop over to "X" site .. 5 mins from us, to adjust her covers that don't feel just right, .. or squeeze the lotion out of the tube for her, .. or whatever superfluous "need/want" should occur, .. she'd be 5 mins from us .... damned the other news .. who cares. Just put her there
Full speed ahead. "Happy" lives in placement, 5 mins from us, be damned the other consequences of any said proposition.
Find it infuriating.
HE was the one .. originally .. aware of that little tidbit as to "X" site . that was so dug in and firm, that "X" site be given zero consideration, not safe there.
Whatever.
I'm not saying another word. We know it's owned by the same corporation and we know the care has been less than .. under that corporation where MIL is presently located . .and they have been less than pleased with that aspect . we know that the son in law's g'dad was pulled from there, their family feeling the care was sub par .. we know that. But "happy" lives where MIL can be 5 mins from us .. Lost in the damn weeds. Both DH and his sister.
I have no idea if it's on their radar to make it a point to go by and view the site .. I won't be. If asked, I will beg off, .. "SIL you know my sentiments on the site .. I won't be going to view it . if you guys wanna do that, knock yourselves out".
And just another little news blurb from the past few days with regard to the whole thing .. as pertains to MIL.
Goes like this.
DD's grandmother in law (g'ma to her husband) lives local.. we'll call her "R".
R, lost her husband a couple of years ago, .. here local, the g'dad to son in law (in fact, these g'parents that are local to him here .. were in large measure .. pretty much parental types to the son in law, he's very close to his g'parents). The same g'dad that was yanked from "X" site .. sub par care, it was said.
R and MIL have some familiarity with one another just by the fact that DD is married into R's family. That's the only way that MIL and R know one another, . and they've never been best of friends that do lunch together or anything of the sort. But maybe call or send a card when one or the other is ailing or has some other malady occur, that would be about the extent of any relationship between R and MIL.
So .. off with DD for the weekend .. and she says the following to me:
"Let me ask you something ... did granny get that Reverse Mortgage after g'pa died, or before".
Me: "Before, why".
DD: "That's what I thought .. but R talked to MIL .. . and MIL told R .. that g'pa died and left her in such dire straits that she had to go and RM the house . that he left her with a mountain of debt . and she had no choice, .. had to go RM the house to be able to make it, .. I didn't think that's how it went, but wanted to ask you".
Me: "NO! In fact, ... he was very much alive and a part of all that .. absolutely he was .. I was on the scene at that point .. as part of that process they had to go to some counseling session of some sort at a HUD office, . .and they wanted me to go along ... in case they missed anything important that gets said, so I was part of the scene accompanying BOTH of them .. no .. it wasn't that g'pa died and left her in dire straits and poor poor MIL then had to resort to selling match sticks on the street (per se) to be able to make ends meet, no .. that's not true, he was very much alive and a part of it all".
DD: "I thought so ... but ya know we'd gone over there for D's bday party (her step father in law) .. and R was there, .. and S told me while we were there (S is DD's husband) .. S said .. that his g'ma told him that's what MIL told her .. and I said to him No .. that's not the way it went . and then R chimed in .. and said that's what MIL told her .. so we had this whole conversation there at D's bday party . that MIL .. poor MIL was left in such dire straits by my g'pa .. that she had to resort to a RM on her house to make ends meet, and I was telling them that no .. that's not how it went, .. I didn't think . but I wanted to check with you to see if you knew. That angers me that MIL would tarnish my g'pa that way and say that about him .. wonder why she'd say that, I'm gonna have to go do some damage
I'm gonna have to go do some damage control behind that and let the know that's not how it went . that my g'pa wouldn't of done that .. that makes me mad".
So.....
Imparting that tidbit of newsy stuff to DH.
My objective there .. (but it doesn't get perceived that way) .. MY OBJECTIVE .. is to point out to him that his mother .. so quick to play the woe with me at this point, when there is captive audience or same .. (as DH visits and the woe with me and water works gets turned on his presence, not so much with SIL or myself .. the water works and woe with me, .. .doesn't get the airplay when SIL and myself visit . .as it does when DH does .. or when the therapist does . or when YD or DD or OD visit .. the water works and woe with me gets turned full tilt volume when any of those visit). MY OBJECTIVE .. was to point out to him .. that either your mom's memory is REALLY ASKEW HERE .............................. LIKE SERIOUSLY ASKEW .............................. and you guys need to recognize that .. OR .. maybe more accurately she will turn on the woe with me . .to however she thinks she can get the most sympathy and throw anyone under that bus to get it . including her long since deceased husband".
I don't know what I was hoping to achieve in imparting this newsy stuff to DH .. other than maybe getting him to "SEE" .. as I "SEE" that his mom is being .. maybe/perhaps .. manipulative .. and playing that sympathy card however she needs to .. to have people .. the appropriate people (DH, YD, OD, DD, R .. therapist who comes to see her) .. she will turn on the water works .. where needed to get those in that capacity to wring their hands at her poor sad tale of woe ..
It doesn't fall like I would hope. It doesn't get perceived that way at all in the end.
Nothing more than an annoying burp .. that's about how much radar it gets .. it doesn't at all get perceived like "I SEE" it .. not in any stretch.
I find it supremely annoying. But it's airplay . gets nothing more than a burp and that's it.
Even mentioned it to SIL last night when we met them for dinner out .. same thing .. just a ... response from SIL: "Mom talked to R, . she never mentioned it . I didn't know that R and Mom had talked. How'd that happen, did R go see mom or what?".
Me: "I don't know, I think she just called her is all .. I think she just called her on the phone there at POSH .. and they talked, . that's what DD says".
So that was the extent of SIL's interest in that news blurb.
Until later when we were all back at our respective homes after having met for dinner out . and I get a text from SIL.
SIL: "Talked to mom . just checking in with her, asked her if she talked to R and she said no .. who knows .. she sometimes forgets things .. maybe she doesn't even remember talking to R".
So .. I don't know . sometimes this is all beginning to get the feel again .. that deja vu ... of the whole "what I see vs what they see" .. couldn't be any farther apart .. was there at one time .. to the extreme of pulling my hair out and standing on every roof top I could find to shout out "what I see" .. vs what they see . to no avail. Beginning to feel deja vu again as to it all.
I impart that as a means to show them both that their mom . maybe I've been wrong too . that she isn't capable of manipulation .. but .. maybe I've given credit where it isn't due and she is indeed capable of manipulation . turning on the water works .. to tell a sad tale of woe that in fact, couldn't be farther from the truth ..
But it doesn't get perceived that way at all by the two parties SIL and DH.
The 'alleged rape' and I have to call it that b/c it was never tried in court nor admitted to--makes it 'alleged'....happened over 2 years ago? I would NOT say a work to MIL about it. As she already has night terrors, all this would do would to be adding fuel to the fire. It wouldn't MATTER what NH she ends up in, it will still be a NH where she cannot lock the doors.
As someone with PTSD due to childhood abuse, someone telling me about such and so's experience with the same thing--NOT HELPFUL. In fact, a huge trigger.
You can quietly check this story out, but DO NOT mention it to MIL. Her poor brain would obsess over it and she's go totally bats.
Perhaps this will help you all to realize that a shared room would be a better option for MIL. She would rarely be alone.
And yes, all the annoying forgetfulness of time/place and the actual truth--really hard. Mother has no sense of anything between 1960 and now. She has rewritten her history to make it better. I guess we all do this, from time to time. Make's life more palatable. And lets us off with our own version of what has happened.
It did occur . that much we know . as the woman was carted to the hospital for examination and evidence of sexual assault found.
So whatever.
Neither here nor there .. as you guys are right. She'd take that one fact, and hang onto it and keep it in the forefront of her brain .. as to any setting .. even in her own home . she'd be fearful someone is at the foot her her bed to do her harm .. it's the very thing that has forever, as long as I've known her, been an ever present .. waking her with nightmares. Someone at the foot of her bed.
So no ... I'm not mentioning it anymore. Interestingly enough, originally it was DH with a staunch refusal to entertain "X" site for that very reason "its unsafe".
Now . it seems to be a non story ...
Whatever, . in the end, doesn't matter to me if they put her where there are moats filled with alligators that one has to hurdle to even get around .. if it suits their version of what will make her "happy" (relative term) then that's what they'll do. Alligators and all.
I just found it infuriating that "X" site got any airplay at all, that SIL herself . the one to have heard from her mom "oh X site sent a PT person here to work w/me and they were asking me if I'd considered going to "X" site to reside, I know it's so close to where Dorker and DH live .. ".
SIL .. should have shut it down .. before it even raised on the radar at all, she knows . the knows the story as to why that was crossed of any list .. it's not like any of this is a news flash .. she knows.
But it didn't .. it got airplay to the point it was even brought to me .. in a manner of "maybe it's the safest place anywhere now, now that they've had the news media all breathing down their backsides . maybe we SHOULD give it a look".
I just found that astounding.
How is it that I'm aware of her propensity to be so scary .. and that very thing doesn't weigh at all in any consideration.
Pulling them out of the damn weeds, they get so stuck in.
The weeds. SIL at one time so sold on Fancy Pants .. even though I was over here saying .. "what are you thinking .. their requirement there is that she get up daily and get dressed, unassisted .. and make her way to the dining table .. with mixing with others . h377 SIL ................. she hasn't dressed in two damn years on her own . and she damn sure isn't gonna mix with others .. Fancy Pants . yea it looks all shiny and new and open and airy and the folks ambling about there, on their walkers, engaged .. it looks like what you'd want . but the reality of it all, is that your mom is not suited for that kinda setting . and you're gonna set up another move for her, when she fails to thrive there".
Pulling her out of the damn weeds, even had to enlist M on that one . .to get her mom to see .. that's not reality.
Once again, on this rape and "X" site .. pulling the both of them out of the weeds, .. to the point .. I'm done saying it. Stick her where she has to hurdle moats filled with alligators if that's what ya'll think (mistakenly) will buy some "happiness" in all this. Delude yourselves continue deluding yourselves.
Being so close will turn it into daily visits, on someone's part... Make it clear to both that that would be DH. Period.
It is sad how she is indicating the RM came about. Maddening as it is the term broken brain applies here. Sometimes my mother comes out with some statement that is hard to figure out. I might try to discuss the validity of it but often just let it exist as I know she can no longer always reason well and who needs more frustration in dealing with an aged family member.
What I read about the rape, which did happen and was investigated by the police, was that the police (not the facility) cleared the staff through DNA work. It is an unsolved case. The family's lawsuit cites other incidents at the facility, but these have not been proven. I think that's what people are thinking of when they cite the two-years-ago thing.
Several times, she was with a sitter and wanted the sitter to take her to my place. I wasn't home. The sitter told her so. My mom then went to the next room, took out her phone, pretended to call me, then talked loudly so that the sitter could hear her, saying: "Oh, OK, You're home. I'll come over right now." She then proceeded to tell the sitter that I just called her and told her to come over.
Many times when I am at the check out line at the market, with my mother next to me (I have to watch her sticky fingers like a hawk), my mom tells me: "go on ahead of me." Her plan is for me to be in front of her so I can't see her grabbing a candy bar and sticking it in her pocket. Or she walks very very close to the candies, uses her body to shield her hand from view, then snatches a candy bar (I caught her red handed doing this several times.) Or she waits until I am busy paying or putting the groceries back into the shopping cart, then she walks briskly to another checkout line so I can't see her then steals (then I have to search her pockets before we leave the store.) Before you think my mom is a lifelong klepto, no, not true. She was an honest person and taught her kids to be the same.
So, you can see, with her damaged brain, she can still plan and scheme.
On the other hand, she mixes her facts and creates new stories in her head, and believe they are true. She thinks the sitter only took her out for a little while even though they went out for half a day. Or she thinks they went to place A instead of place B where they really went.
So, it could be possible that Dorker's MIL really thinks the RM story with the new twist is the real thing because she wants it to be real. But I also think she turns on the water work on purpose to get sympathy.
We, my sibs and I, were given best advice ever re: AL from the alz.org group. True, my Mom was private pay, but I still urge you to give them a call, your LO does NOT have to have Alz.
I am so sorry that you have an unhappy, unfulfilled, self-centered, insecure old woman to deal with.
I lucked out: My Mom was lovely for the most part. Certainly no "woe is me" moments, and this woman owned a beautiful condo on the beach....for God's sake, she had the best reason ever for refusing to leave, or weeping ever after at her bad luck.....but DID NOT.....
True, we are all different but I have ZERO compassion for your MIL and her lifelong bad decisions. And same for SIL and DH.....jeez....wake up!!!! I will happily vicariously kick both their azzes!!!
Finally, one of my best memories of Mom: after a very long day, driving many miles to bring Mom to a lovely holiday reunion, returning her to her AL, at 10PM, her fav LPN, Richard (who she thought was her old HS boyfriend!!) helped her out of the car and into the AL. Last words heard? Mom: "Richard, what is this lovely new hotel? Are we going to a party?"
LOL....I had to quickly shut the car door for fear they would hear me convulsing in laughter....Oh my....
I, too, had a tough road forward.....involving lawyers etc.....but now, my sister and I own that condo. Totally remodeled now, a year in, but same gorgeous beach views....with a huge homage to Mom in the entryway: Her fav pink flamingo print, by her dear friend and Audubon-noted artist, now archivally preserved....
Sorry, Dorker....old age is never lovely....no way.....but your sad, self-serving MIL, is the worst. Plenty of older folks have a good attitude and some self-deprecating awareness.
So very sad that you can enjoy none of that. Truly and heartfelt: So sad!
Good Luck!
Was interesting and I should've maybe not even asked. I did so, knowing .. maybe I did it just as validation or maybe "looking" for a fight. I don't know.
I know, my mom . .and MIL have never been real chums. They have, thru the years "tolerated" one another when at family functions..... but both are very very different people. My mother, . very aware of the goings on at present with MIL, has little patience for it all. To quote her on some of it, "Well harumph! Life is what you make of it, .. ". Or another of what she has to say about it all, . "she's her own worst enemy, she just wants to wallow in self pity and nobody wants to live there". Here, here!
Mention to DH that is her demeanor, . in a kind of way of maybe imparting to him that his mom is wallowing in self pity .. and that it doesn't have to be that way . .and his response .. count on it, .. every time .. "easy for her to say, she's spry and able to manage, she may feel differently when her day comes"
I doubt it. She has always been more social, not as isolated as MIL has preferred to be. But the one thing she won't have in me, is a daughter that falls into pits of despair .. and/or .. gives up her own life and existence, in the pursuit of whirligigs and hamster wheels to run on. Count on it.
As my mother cites .. "ya know Aunt so and so ended up in a Nursing Home before her days were over, she'd gone blind .. this is a woman who spent her life crafting and quilting .. and no longer able to do that because she'd now gone blind, but she was happy as could be, always .. anytime you talked to her, .. your mother in law is just selfish like she's always been .. she's just selfish and shame on her".
Here here!
So .. with that in mind, (maybe me looking for a problem I knew would be there a bit of an "issue" to even bring it up .. .maybe I was sort of "looking" for an issue.
My mom is coming in town .. for a few days. She, very aware, of the struggles at present with MIL . and the whole placement saga that is ongoing, and MIL's demeanor.
I asked of SIL .. knowing my mom will be in town this week for a few days. I know it wouldn't really be .. probably not .. but perhaps .. anything my mom would request to go do .. perhaps ..
Me: "Hey do you think I should maybe at some point while my mom is in town, maybe the two of us stop by to visit MIL".
SIL: "Probably not a good idea .. mom is so persnickety .. she doesn't even want the neighbors to visit her .. doesn't want anyone to see how bad she looks, only wants family".
I knew that would be the answer before I even asked it. Maybe like I said, .. looking for a problem where I know one exists any damn way. And it's not like my mom would be crushed at any notion .. "no mom .. she really just doesn't want anyone coming to see her, and that means you too".
I had thought, a passing notion almost .. that maybe my mom . who is so no nonsense .. she just is .. she just doesn't get caught up in all the sadness/despair . .vanity .. vein-ness of aging .. she just isn't made that way. I had maybe hoped that .. a visit from my mom . who will also shoot from the hip . and say what she thinks ... maybe some words from her .. to MIL . along the lines of .. "ya know life is gonna be what you make of it" .. or something such as that would be about what my mom would shoot out of her mouth .. thought maybe that would perhaps .. (doubtful) .. be helpful. But I knew before I even asked it .. MIL wouldn't be desirous of seeing my mom (h377 she isn't desirous of seeing anyone .. just family and I know that).
Just kinda . even throwing that question out there, knowing full well the answer I'd get before I even asked it .. just kinda cemented in me, .. a resolve to just consider
consider the source, and just chalk it all up to more vanity and more being so absolutely vein .. and .. to not care .. just ... whatever. MIL is gonna wallow in self pity until the cloud comes to get her .. that's all there is to it. And her son .. (DH) is gonna stand guard with her at the pity party .. and her daughter .. she'll run that hamster wheel in search of the magic whirligig to bring about restoration .. til the cloud comes. It just is what it is.
Was very telling .....
Yesterday I was over watching the two year old twins for the afternoon ..
SIL wanted to know if she and B could come by and visit the twins .. while I was there. Sure, c'mon over.
So we had them out in the b'yard playing and here is part of a conversation that went on (I knew that SIL had just come from visiting MIL at POSH):
SIL: "Mom brought up site "X" again, wanting to know if we'd decided to go visit it .. she knows about it . and it's weird .. like ever since that PT person put it on her brain . she has mentioned it . she keeps mentioning it .. wanting us to go look at it .. go visit the site .. I finally told her .. "oh mom we haven't looked at it .. seems like .. a couple of years ago . some resident there was sexually assaulted .. so we really haven't looked at that one .. considering it maybe not safe". Mom said "really? I hadn't heard about that, .. was it staff that did it, or what?" I don't know that they know .. it's not been solved". Mom said .. "oh ya know, . that kinda stuff probably goes on everywhere in these kinds of settings .. who knows .. ya know . it's probably one of the safer ones now .. now that they've had the light shined on that issue".
<gee, . amazing how SIL's sentiments on it all .. get parroted in MIL's words .. I wasn't there to hear myself. Whatever>
I didn't acknowledge, .. on purpose, I acted like I didn't hear her, and busied myself with one of the kids and said nothing ..
IMO .. I've said all I care to say on it. If SIL wants to dance a jig on her head in the pursuit of magic whirligigs .. to find here mom the "happiness" (relative term IMO) that she thinks possible .. I'm not gonna change it, not even gonna try .. and if that means .. like I said .. placing her mom where there are moats to hurdle with live hungry alligators . she'd do it. Whatever it is that is the next magic whirligig that will make her mom "happy" she'll do it. I see it that her mom isn't gonna be happy .. that isn't attainable . but that is so a vision that SIL is not able to see . and I'm done fighting that.
I purposely ignored the above . and went on about playing with the kids and ignored it.
Next up:
SIL: "I don't know maybe we should go see it .. mom is probably right .. it's probably one of the safest and best staffed anywhere . now that they've had this problem . .maybe we should go look at it".
<I know just because I've been on the scene helping with all this kinda thing . that's the very thing she wants my presence to attend to, . another set of eyes .. another set of ears as we talk to any intake director, etc .. and so .. the inference there at least IMO . was that she was planting a seed that Dorker now go along . and go visit this site. See above, ... I'v'e said all I am going to on it .. I think it's a supremely bad idea .. and I haven't yielded from that opinion and I won't be yielding .. I'm also not gonna continue debating the finite points of it all, I've said it .. done saying it>
So she throws out there .. maybe we *should* go look at it ...................
At that point I did weigh in: "Maybe you and DH can go do that, .. I won't be doing so . not going there .. I've said it's a bad bad idea . .and I stand by that .. "
<she knows her brother and getting him to tag along on such a venture . is like trying to nail jello to the wall>
SIL: "You're not going huh?".
Me: "Nope .. not interested".
SIL: "Yea ... mom .. she probably doesn't realize that
Have I caught this correctly, that one facility is being ruled out on the grounds that a sexual assault is alleged to have taken place there more than two years ago? For that reason and no other it is not even under consideration?
She probably doesn't have any awareness that in the end, it would be too scary for her".
I didn't weigh in any further ..
Do what you will. Wanna go visit that site .. have at it .. I won't be going. Wanna try to nail jello to the wall in getting your brother's presence to tag along for said venture . have at it (It won't happen) .. go alone .. go visit it ... in the pursuit of all things . to try to find that magic whirligig that will please mother .. go for it.
I could, if I cared enough to do so .. reach out to M at this point, to reel her mom in again. "M .. puhleese .. talk to your mom .. MY GOD .. she's now got it in her damn head .. because MIL has it on her brain . that she needs to go look at an consider site "X" as placement. M, .. site "X" .. had a rape there of a resident last year . you know how damn scary your granny gets .. I can't even believe your mom wouldn't shut that down from the jump .. puhleeeze reel her in .. ".
Don't care to wade those waters.
I've said what I have to say on it .. don't heed what my opinions are .. as has so often been the case .. and is re-surfacing again ... have at it. Want no part of it.
I could, if I cared enough to do so .. argue the point from the stance of "SIL the damn place is owned by the same subsidiary that owns where POSH is .. and you guys have been woefully displeased with the staffing at POSH .. what makes you think it'll be any better at one of their other sites".
Don't care to argue my point in it all any further.
As far as I'm concerned .. I've graced them with my presence visiting site after site after site .. and giving my input where appropriate ..
This particular site "X" ... I have zero interest in seeing MIL placed there .. I think it's about the worst idea anyone could entertain .. she will arrive there and next thing ya know flares will shoot up in every direction that she has to be moved (find the next whirligig or magic fix) .. and that hamster wheel will be fired up . in earnest .. in the pursuit of where next for MIL to land .. even with me standing over on the side going .. "tried to tell ya'll" ........... all because in the end, she lands there and is frightened and not sleeping .. and fearing that someone is going to attack her, .. to my now ready to knock heads into walls .. "why wouldn't you listen to me .. I tried to tell you that would be a bad idea .. ".
It just infuriates me that .......................
BECAUSE this happens to be a site that MIL remembers as being close to Dorker and DH residence (she's right it is close) ... and because she remembers it as a site that she visited folks there, .. so has some familiarity with it ...
We discard any notion whatsoever of the other aspects of all of this in the pursuit of the magic whirligig to happiness ... and that's in the end, the crux of it.
A staff member mentions it . puts it on the radar .. and it should be, at least IMO . summarily shut down .. but nope .. not at all how it gets treated.
Oh well, .. I've said all I have to say to her on the topic. She knows, I won't be tagging along as another set of eyes, ears .. said as much .. reiterating that I think it's a supremely bad idea to even consider site "X". Do with it what you will.
And on the other front .. it had so bothered DD that MIL would tarnish her deceased g'pa's image in having said to R (grandma in law to DD) .. that her g'pa was so irresponsible . and left her for dead in such financial straits that she now had to go sell match stick on street corners (proverbially) .. in RM'ing the house.
DD .. so bothered by it, she went to the horse's mouth on it. Called R .. and asked her .. "Did you call my granny and she told you x, y and z".
No . the story goes . years ago .. this had to have been about 8 years ago or so .. we'd invited them over for xmas dinner at MIL's .. DD's husband's family.
This was at a time that I was the chief
entertainment chair person .. MIL not always able to get out and go .. so I'd bring the food there .. a time when I used to do that.
I remember it well. She'd been hospitalized and was weak .. recovering. Christmas dinner was to have been at my house, inclusive off DD's in laws .. and MIL now recovering . that meant she'd be alone .. her unable to come here, .. so we moved it to MIl's house .. to accommodate making her a part of things .. a time that I routinely did that.
So, it turns out .. that story .. imparted to R (g'ma in law to DD) .. it was all the way back at that xmas get together, 8 or so years ago. It wasn't via a phone call to POSH .. to MIL .. from R. Not at all. This was a story told to R years back .. ostensibly at a time when MIL wasn't nutz ..
So I don't know, I give up.
DD imparting to me, . "so FWIW I set the record straight . that so bothered me that she would have anyone believe that my g'dad was so irresponsible . that he'd left this life and left her in dire financial straits .. and she'd had to on her own go and RM the house .. I set the damn record straight with R .. and let her know that he was still alive and very much a part of that whole process".
So for whatever all that's worth.
I can't even begin to contemplate why she'd of told that tale . some 8 or so years ago .. a time when she wasn't nutz .. or not known to me anyway.
Site "X" never got any consideration at all, as to going to view it and talk to the powers that be there.
Becasue:
It had been on the news in the months past, there'd been a sexual assault there. Not only that, but that DD's husband . the gpa to the husband had been yanked from there .. sub par care.
We were, at one point in the beginning of all this . given a list of places to go view.
Site "X" got marked off for any consideration at all ... with the above two pieces of info, .. marked them off of any consideration.
In fact .... DH was instrumental in that notion . having dug in hard .. and said something to the tune of "Absolutely not . no . don't want her there .. not safe .. no .. and besides that S (son in law) his g'dad was yanked outta there, they didn't feel like he was adequately cared for".
I concurred 1K% with the above notion on DH's part, and crossed that site off any list for consideration.
Do a google search on that story .. and the story goes like this.
Back in the fall of 2018 .. a 94 yo woman was raped there .....
The family hauled their 94 yo LO to the hospital for exam . and indeed .. verification of sexual assault. They pulled their 94 yo LO from that site . and placed her elsewhere and brought suit in April of 2018. That lawsuit . then brought forth allegations over the prior couple of years (unproven allegations) of other deeds ongoing at that site. That kinda sums up what is known . .as to the news article on it all, ... add in .. that .. it's not been solved. Police did some DNA stuff . .. and it's been ruled out that any staff were involved in any sexual assault, but none the less .. there was indeed in November of 2018 .. a sexual assault of a 94 yo woman.
The site is very close to where DH and myself reside, like 5 mins from us.
But was never given any consideration at all, for reasons stated above, and crossed off any list as to go view/talk to them.
What has brought it all back on the radar?
MIL .. at POSH presently (which btw is owned by the same corporation that owns site "X) .................. was visited by a PT staffer from "X" site ..
POSH short staffed on PT . and so .. PT staff borrowed from "X" site .. and so PT staffer there to work with MIL . mentions site "X" to MIL ..
MIL then remembers (and accurately so) .. site "X" .. and it's close proximity to DH and Dorker residence .. and staffer mentions to MIL .. that the family should go visit/view .. maybe consider it for placement for MIL.
MIL hearing this now .. also raises this as possibility to SIL .
SIL who knows that site was crossed off as to any consideration and the reasons why. MIL does not . not at this juncture a few days ago .. have any knowledge of news article on sexual assault, nor any knowledge that son in law's g'dad was pulled from there, sub par care it was said.
Only thing MIL knows .. is that (her memory serves her well) . it's close to DH and Dorker residence . and she has in fact, in the past, visited that site to visit residents there. A staffer mentions it, putting it on MIL's radar .. MIl then puts it on SIL's radar .. and now .. all of sudden it becomes .. a site we should consider and go view, to Dorker . .digging in .. "nope . not interested .. MIL is far too scary an individual as it is . all it'll take is for her to hone in on that .. that sexual assault . and she will be sleepless nights, terrors and nightmares . and it will be on . gotta move her . nope . bad bad idea .. as said by Dorker".
So that kinda summarizes how that all has come into play here.
Some on this site beat the dead horse just as vehemently that these individual can NOT manipulate due to their broken brains. Makes me nutz. My experience tells me otherwise. As I’ve said - they just aren’t as good at the manipulation. Often it’s comically transparent - or tragically so depending on ones point of view. If not being successful at the manipulation means they can’t do it - I suppose that’s one way of looking at “can’t”. I however, give them credit for giving it the old college try.
As for the whitewashing and rewriting history? My mother certainly went through this phase. A phase that went on for quite some time and nearly drove me to do bodily harm - as I heard her retelling events, whitewashing her role in the situation and throwing some innocent friend or family member under the bus - her shifting the stupidity and the fault.
It was funny though - not haha funny - tragic funny as my mothers story telling skill developed in three distinctive steps:
First was the retelling in a hesitant manner - frequently pausing to look at me - as if checking that I was buying it, letting her get away with it and just how far she could push things.
Second was the new version telling of the event coming to her lips smoothly and with confidence. Almost proud of her reinvention, I think.
Last - and this stage was the worst and the saddest - Mom retelling the new stories with ease and confidence- not because she was thrilled to be getting away with rewriting history and painting herself as the innocent victim or the heroic savior- but because at this point, she actually and fully believed what she was saying to be the truth.
Its a tough phase to weather, Dorker. Here’s hoping you stay tread mark free.
The chances of there even being a bed available at site "X" now or in the next 8-9 days..probably very small so why all the hand wringing?
Dorker--as long as you make it abundantly clear that you are NOT going to be running the roads for a single thing for MIL once she is placed (are you adverse to just this one NH, or is this a "situation wide" approach? and all responsibilities should be foisted onto DH'S shoulders. ALL of it. And then you stand firm and don't bend. This means you won't be running baskets of shrimp, burgers or sandwiches to her on a whim. You won't be calling the nursing station to run answer MIL's call. You will 'visit' only when you want. If you want. (I honestly cannot see you cutting all ties, and don't think you should)
That '5 minutes away' doesn't amount to a hill of beans if the care is not decent. Sounds subpar, to me, but then, I am not there.
I've mentioned my mothers' personal choice of a rehab facility and the slick talking woman who sold mom a bill of lies--mom winds up in this dump, (which, to my credit, I had TOLD HER ABOUT REPEATEDLY!!!!!) and she's throwing a full blown hissy fit before we can even get her some clothes from home. It was only 5 minutes from my house. I got kicked to the curb within 24 hours and didn't see her for more than 8 weeks at the POSH place my sis physically hauled her to. And paid for.
Mom wasn't 'happy' anywhere. MIL is not going to 'happy' anywhere. She may be slightly less miserable, but she isn't going to change. Quit the crocodile tears for her.
As for rewriting history--whatever. My mom was really 'jealous' of my sweet dad and all the attention he got. Friends would visit and call. (Lucky dad---as I pointed out to mother once "yes, he's SO blessed. He only has Parkinson's disease, he's so lucky")....the truth is, he was a wonderful lovely man and to the end people wanted to be around him. Mother has rewritten the past to paint herself in the best possible light (we ALL DO THIS, BTW)---and all us kids know the truth.
Narcissists are impossible to make happy and impossible to live with. It's only taken me 63 years to figure that out.
This whole thing has just gone beyond the absurd.
This is what I think will happen:
A bed will be amazingly "found" by the 24th, MIL will be absolutely furious and angry and a pain to deal with. Chitapalooza will return, She will be dizzy and unable to do any PT. She will be calling all and sundry for anything she can think of.
SIL, exhausted, will make her way back to IL with sweet B in tow and the dog. She'll have all her medical junk taken care of, B will have his. She will be attempting to micromanaging MIL's life from IL. You won't even HEAR about it b/c you are going OFF RADAR. NO TEXTING. NO emails, She can take 5 minutes to call, if she can't, tough.
DH will lose it. He will be totally unable to help and totally furious at you, Dorker, for not helping out---and nobody will feel sorry for him.
SIL will return ASAP and start in on cleaning the house out and trying to get MIL on board with her new 'home'.
Along in there, maybe a fall or two. Some TIA's. more cog decline and not much rehab.
Plan for the worst, hope for the best.
I found this on an elder care advocacy web site as well as several news media sites.
From November 26, 2018:
Florida law enforcement are investigating allegations of rape, sexual assault, and other criminal activity at a North Florida assisted living facility.
According to reporter Jim Piggott of WJXT, a 94-year-old woman was attacked by “a male in scrubs who threw her on to the bed and proceeded to rape her and sodomize her” at the Brookdale Senior Living on Atrium Way. Since then, two other residents have also been sexually assaulted. Reports show that “no arrests have been made, and there was only a vague description of a suspect.”
Would THREE assaults give sil pause to THINK?!?
JUST KIDDING!!!
That'd be the one.
Yes seems others surfaced, after the fact. None of the others able to be substantiated. Doesn't say, but did the others who surfaced to state having been attacked .. did they not deem it appropriate to report at the time of attack. Was it covered up by site "x". Who knows.
Today's news flash. A bed (semi private) has opened at Purgatory (same place a quad was declined a couple of weeks ago).
Looks like the move from POSH to Purgatory is imminent.
Lots going on here.
The whole story about the Brook place is unnerving. Then add the part of the relative by marriage moved because of sub par care...anyway looks like “Purgatory” moved to the top of the list by default. Possibly.
We had a “Brook Place” here in our town. It was a combo IL, AL,NH, MC. Very high end. Built around 2012-2013. I passed it recently. It has a new name. Interesting.
My mothers re-storying was more often than not hateful and deeply hurtful. Very difficult for me to say “whatever” then and still.
I adore you, Midkid - always have. I’m definitely not trying to pick a fight but rather speaking up to something hurtful that I’d fester on for days. And, these days I try to avoid festering at all costs. I don’t belittle your experiences - please don’t belittle mine.