I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
As well, at least one sites says that according to a law suit that on two separate occasions- prior to the first rape - the facility reported later that someone had tried to break in - in the very early morning hours. Yet the facility took no steps regarding these attempted break ins.
I am completely removed, zero action required of me because my mom is visiting and I'll spend my time with my mom. DH & SIL, all hands on deck as to today's move to Purgatory.
SIL working the angle that the transport bring MIL thru front rather than side entrance. Side entrance are slumpers aplenty on display thus requests to intake director, to transport folks, etc "need to be brought in front entrance".
The sad fearful frightful dread of now transitioning to Purgatory where a roomie will be the order of business.
The sad tearful goodbyes from staff at POSH.
It all, is really so over the top, just witnessing it.
You sure they weren’t masking tears of joy?
Just kidding!
I know my mother could and would - charm the pants off total and semi strangers. She just loved to play the sweet, helpless, eccentric old lady. Her last paid caregiver was utterly devoted to her.
Whenever I was around and it came time for the caregiver to leave my mother would fall all over herself thanking her for her help. I always wondered if that was for my benefit as I sure as heck never got a sincere “thank you”.
Anyhoo - It will be interesting to see what this move brings. I tend to expect Guestshops “it will get worse, before it gets even more awful”. But who knows - I expected a full-on meltdown in the first days at POSH. That never happened - maybe mil will be accepting once more.
Enjoy your time with your mother, Dorker. She sounds like the
kind of old gal I’m likely to turn out to be... says it like it is and has little patience for nonsense. Other than her thinking she always needs a man - she sounds like a person who just wont make your life miserable as old(er) age comes alone. Who knows? On the other hand - no one wants to get dementia and it sure can mess a person up. That’s for sure.
She did get a bed, and that's good b/c May is around the corner and SIL and B NEED to get out of Dodge for a while. Let the new regime start to work. (You're not part of the new regime, Dorker, it's DH!) And of course, SIL from afar.
I cannot believe that they have to bring her in the front door so she won't see people who are depressing to her. Wow. Just. Wow.
Well, maybe this will prove to be of some good. If it's important that she be 'better' than anyone else in the place, maybe seeing some truly 'elderly' elders will encourage her to work hard to NOT be what she so fears. With MIL, every day is a whole new day.
So--I have been kind of speed reading a LOT of these posts as you describe the process of having MIL moved to LTC--is she now in the place she will remain for the forseeable future? (Meaning, permanent, or will there be a constant search for something better, nicer, cleaner, etc as SIL works her bum off to find a 'cure' for whatever ails MIL?)
Yeah, it's gonna be an awful day.
I feel so sorry for her roomie.
I wasn't there but sounds like the staff there SO VERY efficient/attentive. Maybe that's merely because today was move in day complete with LO's next of kin attending. Would hope that efficient attention is a staple of the care but I guess time will tell.
Downside was that dreaded display of slumpers aplenty....
Apparently shook MIL to the core and her son right there with her. Yes MIL was wheeled in via front door vs side door where slumpers abound. But being carted to her room meant going the gauntlet thru the slumper land. And sounds like MIL's room .. right by slumperville. Shook both MIL and DH.
It was said MIL questioned "is this the best you could find, is this the place for me?".
Sadly yes. Not a lot of places that take Medicaid Pending. Yes, it's the best we could do, all things considered.
MIL apparently disturbed by her roomie. Sounds like a chipper/chatty sort (wheelchair bound). Sounds like the woman spends most of her time out of her room at the art room, coloring, it's her thing, it's what she does. The woman wheeled in to introduce herself and all her exuberance and chatty enthusiasm to MIL having asked if her "do you always talk this much? I sometimes like quiet". Sounds like chatty Cathy apologized and explained her enthusiasm as being excited to meet her new room mate, then let it go, wheeled herself out to go color.
I guess roomie also imparted in all her enthusiasm the reason the other bed is empty and available to MIL. It's former occupant having passed a couple of days ago, all while encouraged by chatty Cathy to look for the light of Jesus "and then she was gone, right there in the bed you're in". This of course creeped MIL out completely. As I said having heard the above "all her travels thru hospital beds these last few years... likely she's laid in a bed or two along the way that was someone's departure bed, she just didn't know it"
Sounds like all in all it was a grueling and emotional, stress filled day for all. Except me, I wasn't there. But my take away at least from what I heard of it all, "wow the staff there, sounds world's improved over what it was at POSH".
And on the sad note everyone would seemingly like to leave hang in the air of the scene of slumpers and how jarring to the core that was, as it's reported to have been. My take as part of that dialogue. Up to MIL to view that with sadness and despair and fail to thrive or view it with gratitude she's not yet a slumper and work to keep herself engaged using the faculties she does have still vs focusing on what she's lost in all this, as she seems prone for. Up to her.
Recreational Director (among numerous others) stopped in to introduce herself and was found to be an annoyance to MIL. She and all her energy and excitement. But as DH put it "not sure a hum drum blase', mono tone recreational director even exists...they're recreational folks... they're gunna be high energy folks ... you'd want them to be, mom just ... she'd find fault in Jesus Christ himself at this point"
Yep. Agree.
If mil had said that to my mother I can guarantee the response would have been “well, go f*ck yourself then”.
Fly cargo?
Or will sil get qualified to have Poochy be her helper dog?
the guiltarama begins. Based on my in law behavior? My MIL is in facility 10 min from FIL and house, and the expectation is that he be there every day. Or come pick her up for outings. Or appointments cause she can’t ride with those others on their schedule and wait...Part of the attraction of place near DH and Dorker is idea of “visits” and one of them would include a desire to have overnight stay for a break and waterworks at specter of going back. Yellow bedroom beckons MIL even if no one admits it. If your mama stayed there briefly, it’s possible for MIL right? Because in her mind she doesn’t need much and would be no bother....fer chrissakes Dorker. That jello not being nailed to wall will slide away from the rest leaving you high and dry. My saving grace for 2 years has been that I work full time. And I still get the looks and whines. Told my hubs that he is not going to be less involved and hands on than I am. If he does change and become involved, I work full time and my efforts are helping our high functioning autistic son at college via phone and emails and our own home needs. There is a strong core of self preservation in narc mother’s sons if they moved out. They frequently marry the partners that provide support narc did not. Please be careful Dorker. The slide into awful and the best search begins.....
The 'died right there in the bed you're layin' in' anecdote is the funniest thing I've heard all year.
Oh bless her heart. I'm sure they'll reach a modus vivendi very soon.
Even the best nursing home is a bit of a culture shock, they can't totally hide the fact it is an institution and that there are people living there in various degrees of decline. Hopefully with time the strangeness will rub off and MIL will make some connections with the other residents.
Church lady texted this morning to let me know she planned a visit to POSH today. Informed her MIL moved to Purgatory yesterday and sadness abounds. Maybe best to let her get some better footing before trying to visit. Imparting this to SIL that I'd headed off a visit by church lady.
Sil: yes definitely. Mother says she's ashamed and embrassed to be seen there.
<primal silent scream on my part>
And in answer regarding Poochy. He has been recertified now as B's emotional support pet and will fly on board in the cabin accompanying SIL & B.
In commemoration of the meeting of the roommate.
From the stunning Oscar winning film Out of Africa:
”If you want any friends, I'd make them here. There's no one else.”
~ Bror Von Blixen
But it’s been told that MIL doesn't want friends - just youth and vitality.
Ah, well...
Edit: Just read about Poochy. At least in B’s case there’s likely some actual truth in Poochy being a support pet - verse it all just being about a spoiled old lady’s self-imposed sense of grandeur.
He probably *does*, actually.
Chatty Cathy sounds like a hoot. Doesn’t sound like she will be in the room much anyway.
Does it sound like MILs roommate has it together enough to use the Nurse Call Button? If she does this might be another reason she was placed with MIL.
I have been meaning to ask, is Purgatory a corporate chain type facility? These type facilities in our area seem to have a better Hurricane Evacuation Plan. Residents are typically evacuated to Sister facilities out of harms way rather than local public shelters.
Evacuation plans wouldn’t be a concern for Dorker, she will evacuate out of state. DH, he should REALLY be concerned about facilities evacuation plans.
"1) you are here because your medical needs and financial ability put you here. we found the best based on those two criteria" [now shut the f- up!]
2) "time to stop whining and learn to deal"
After my dad was placed in nursing home he was angry and constantly took it out on stepmom. One day when she had enough - she told him to shut up and listen. That his care needs mandated nursing home - so he could just yell at himself. That she was trying to help him adjust and still find joy in life - so he could just shut up and learn to deal with it. That he was a big boy and yes too bad your body is breaking down - but deal with it. That if he kept yelling at her she would turn around and leave. Which she did, day after day until he figured it out.
THEN she was able to bring in their dog, bring in treats, movies, play cards, etc so that he actually was able to start enjoying life again - although in the nursing home. Sound like someone needs to have the "shut the F up, we're tired of hearing this" conversation with mother in law.
Ashamed and embarrassed!!! My aZZ!! "is this all the best you could do?" "Yes, you chose the face lift and braces remember?" "NOW - shut the hell up, learn to deal with your aging, and make the best of it here"
You can tell I'm a bit wound up today
At least my mom was able to settle in by me providing her most loved activities for her there in the AL. Books, TV, and Newspaper daily (delivery arranged to her there.) Those things provided a continuum and helped adjustment.
Honestly, what in the HE&& did she expect??? A room at the Hilton? Flowers and chocolates on the bed? Her personal maid? The horror of seeing 'slumpers' (which BTW is an extremely cruel thing to call a person who has the misfortune of BEING a slumper, which my mother happens to be, she's just not wheelchair bound yet.)
MIL is, in fact, one of the worst. Mean, nasty, unappreciative, I'd take a ROOM ful of wheelchair bound patients to spend the day with before I'd give MIL and her attitude the time of day. She's gonna ignore the slumpers entirely as being beneath her and let's see where that attitude gets her.
My great uncle was wheelchair bound due to some accident in his early 30's. I never knew him without his chair. As he grew weaker, so slowly, over the years, he had to have his head supported, too. I used to clean house for my great aunt and he lived at home with daily CG's. Wow, talking to this BRILLIANT mind trapped in this sick body. Well, this changed my attitude about aging altogether. He was incredibly brilliant and wrote many books about history and genealogy. I loved him. And I NEVER ONCE heard him complain about ANYTHING.
I'm kind of honestly really DONE with MIL's attitude. Seriously? The stuff she says is just untenable. Doesn't ANYBODY ever say to her "For the love of heaven mother SHUT UP".
Well, she got her room--is this 'it'? as in permanent or just Medicaid pending until she gets Medicaid? (You can tell I am not in the loop about that).
To a normal person, the attitude of acceptance (unless there is actual ABUSE) is a much better way to handle these life changes. Of course, MIL has never learned this. She now does not have her support group hovering 24/7. DH isn't going to, SIL is leaving and Dorker needs to really show her backbone now.
Sounds like her roomie could be a hoot. Since MIL does indeed love to talk, this may actually work out. Minimally, she's going to have to 'man up' and learn that there's give and take. And she can get some ear plugs if the talking is too much.
You know, I think all along I kind of thought MIL would have some kind of epiphany about life and her place in it.
Wow, she's worse than ever.
I do feel sorry.
For everyone who will get the sharp edge of her tongue. SMH.
And the “This is the best you could do?” slays me, as well. Let’s face it - the cost of braces and a facelift would not really buy MIL more than two or three months in a nice facility - not really. But as the saying goes “It’s the principle”. When push
comes to shove - the fault lies in having NO PLAN - zero - zip - nada- when it came to her final years and what they may bring. Besides the cloud, that is. Well, that and being the only living person on the planet - ever - who wasn’t going to age.
Will MIL be able to change her attitude and learn something from this hugely humbling experience? Or will it crush her completely and be something she’ll never recover from? Only time will tell. And, I’m guessing not a whole lot of time.
Thank goodness I have this place, to rant on that topic. It falls on deer caught int he headlight looks to do so with DH. Foreign .. completely foreign. As I said to him last night .. "this has been needing to happen for a long time, not just recently, your mom hasn't managed her meds, hydration, nutrition, and been falling down a lot .. for 3 or 4 years now . this has been needing to take place".
Deer caught in the headlights. He knows not to argue the point, .. he'd be wrong .. because what I said is the truth.
My struggle at present is to just stay on the periphery of it all, and shut my mouth and not say anything that not only proves perhaps hurtful, but at best not helpful. Just .. shut your mouth, you don't add anything useful, so just shut it.
Midkid, this is transitional, awaiting approval of Medicaid which can take 30-90 days typically. At the end, there will be approval of Medicaid and another move (presumably) to where she will land, I guess, until the cloud comes. We don't know yet where that might be. At one point in time, it was thought "We are Family" will be that final setting and it may be .. if they have room for her (remember we have now, some 60 odd residents that are being displaced by the closure of Fancy Pants). So what that does to other sites . and their occupancy, remains to be seen.
And as SIL put it last night, in talking to me, "at one time we hoped for AL, . but unless there is drastic improvement in her state of being .. and it's doubtful there can be ... I don't think AL will be in the cards for her, she needs too much help".
I concur. I guess we wait and see how much, if any improvement, transpires in the next 30-90 days .. as a decision then needs to be made as to where she lands until the cloud comes for her.
SIL feeling so bad for her mom ... her words .. "it's just hard to come to the realization that you have to leave your mom in a place like that when you can't take care of her anymore".
I didn't say it (see above nothing useful to add to the convo) .. wanted to say to her, "You haven't been able to take care of her for a long time, it's just that only in the last few months has that even dawned on you, when it should've a long long time back . but whatever SIL". I didn't say it, who would that help? Nobody, except maybe me to blurt out what I think with no filter on it. So I don't say it. I just make the obligatory sympathetic noises, and move along.
"leave your mom in a place like that".
Like what?
It appears to me, from what I'm hearing from both you and DH who were there, the staff is attentive and efficient at meeting need .. there's a huge plus ... a place like what? Slumpers abound? She's one herself .. you just don't see it because she's "on" when you're there. I would bet if you had a camera to see her when you aren't there, she'd be sitting slumped herself, sans when a young-person staff member bounds in and out. Young-person being the only persons she cares to converse with.
SIL: The place appears kinda dated, but I don't guess that really matters in the end.
My response: "Maybe unlike POSH they prefer to put their dollars into staffing appropriately vs the decor".
SIL and DH: "Just the whole scene with the slumpers there . hated it that it was so jarring to her, seemed to shake her to her core, her questioning "is this the best that you guys could find, is this where I need to be". "hard to leave her in a place like that ..................".
She was indeed, as per instructed by SIL . brought in via front door .. to avoid slumpers who congregate . seemingly nearer the back entrance ..
But .. as part of carting her to what would be her room .. she had to be brought past slumperville to get there, and in fact, her room .. it's by
It's by slumperville there.
My response: "Well . not like that will have much impact, she has zero interest in getting out to mingle .. I doubt she'll have any real awareness what's right outside her room, . she stays in her room".
I just have zero patience at this point for lamenting and hand wringing over that which is .. in the end .. a non issue .. and even if it were an issue, . not a lot can be done about it .. nursing homes have slumpers .. 1 plus 1 equals 2 .. that's it . that's the way it's gonna be. They aren't gonna go throw a blanket over all the slumpers so as to make the site not view-able to those who find it too depressing. Get over it! I am really really torqued over that one, and finding it hard to zip my damn lip.
The chatty cathy room mate .. wheelchair bound herself .. but sounds like a real chipper individual ..
I guess had they put her with someone catatonic and not at all interactive, that too would've been a problem. The recreational director that MIl seemed to find fault in as too energetic .. flinging her arms around demonstratively as she talked. I guess that too, had the recreational director (not likely) been someone who stands there rotely and benign like, listing the various functions one can engage in .. that too would've been wrong.
I guess where my beef is .. is their failure, .. DH and SIL .. to take all this at face value and realize what I do. She's not gonna be happy unless someone can find a time machine and turn the clock back to when she was 30. And that ain't gonna happen... so all wringing the hands and gnashing the teeth and how sad all this is .. get over it. What's the alternative here? There isn't one.
Can't really put my finger on what has happened that reading doesn't seem to be at her forefront any longer, and hasn't been .. since .. oh I'd guess even before she sheltered here for that hurricane that sent all this in the direction that she'd now need to be carted out of FL for hurricanes.
It seems almost (but that may be me being a little too punitive in my view of it all) .. it seems like maybe her vocation now is self pity where all her life it was very much reading.
I don't know why, what's happened. I guess I could ask her . I haven't ... not able to put my finger on precisely when it was in the timeline of things . that reading no longer seemingly was of interest to her. And that is very much seen to this day .. reading . not anything on her radar as it once was.
Maybe life . just life .. day to day life . .and it's struggles, is enough drama that she can't get into books and the drama there ... her own life and it's struggles .. enough of a tale to live it, much less read about other tales.
My response to SIL: "It can go one of two ways, the way I see it . she can either succumb to it it all and let it all bring her down .. til the cloud comes for her, . or she can rise above it and be grateful she still has "some" faculties about her to engage and be social . and think . .to the degree she's able to at this point .. and be grateful for it .. it's gonna be up to her".
SIL's response: "Yes, very much up to her at this point, I guess we just have to see".
Having said what I did to SIL . on that topic, repeating it to DD ..
DD's response: "This ain't no damn movie set mom . she's not gonna rise from the ashes .. no . she's all about the drama of it all ............ she's not gonna rise above it .. and conquer it .. she's gonna succumb and whine and fret the rest of her days .. GAWD ............. it's so hard to even listen to any of it. Dad and SIL both need to . it's like they are all feeding off one another's damn drama on it all .. they need to all knock it the h377 off .. all of them".
There still is a possibility of this... As the actual cloud becomes more and more apparent, I think many people finally do come to terms, albeit late. That's how it was with my mom, although she was a lot better than MIL on putting on a facade for strangers, then bitching about stuff later to me, in private. (like too much talking.) That, too was tiresome, though, for sure! Never give up hope, though.