I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
As for reading. My mom stopped reading too. She gave up all hobbies, ready for that cloud, I guess. But the reading issue had a lot to do with nodding off quickly, forgetting plot lines or character names. She tried keeping notes but eventually just gave up.
Also, about "a place like this"...Guys, do some traveling in most of the rest of the world. Give yourselves a realistic look at life. MIL is VERY fortunate.
My mom left for the next leg of her journey through FL .. she and her stone deaf husband (who is a super nice guy, but absolutely deaf .. we all need to learn sign language to be able to communicate with him. Calls himself having a hearing aide, but it's useless).
Mom had been gone 15/20 mins when my dad called. My dad who I've been staying in routine contact with as he weathers back from his back surgery. It's been going well, . .as well as one might expect with an 80 yo. Is on a walker to ambulate, .. not yet driving, not at all yet self sufficient .. dependent largely on his wife (stepmom of 50 years) for most things still.
I was aware, being that I'm in routine contact with him .. (go to visit him generally weekly but that's about all they'd let me do . bring some food with me on occasion a meal . but nothing more, they won't let me do more). I was aware, . the wife (stepmom) has been having some chest pains .. and he being as hobbled as he is .. having a devil of a time getting her to be seen and taken care of. They'd been to visit a doc . and nothing was found but an appt made for further investigation. Awaiting that appt.
She began with some pretty severe chest pains night before last, 911 summoned .. carted to hospital. She has now undergone a quadruple bypass emergency surgery . and is in ICU recuperating.
Unbelievable!
Stepmom...oh no!
She had a hard time when your Dad was in the hospital. She being a patient (Dementia) will be a challenge for her daughter to manage.
I hope your Dad doesn’t plan on camping at the hospital to try to manage her.
Look no further than this all occurred night before last, .. yesterday was the major surgery and I just found out this afternoon.
No need to bring Dorker into the fold. So secretive, always. Always always!
In fact, when she first began to experience some chest pains a week or so back, my dad shared that with me only on the sly. To do so in her presence, and her know that he'd shared that, would cause undue upset on her part, .. and near hysteria .. and so he opted to not share it with me in her presence. Was to be kept on the DL and not shared that I knew this, I obliged.
I did ask of him at the time, . has he shared this with his wife's sisters ... (2 of whom live local .. and one other that lives an hour or so away). Has he shared this with his wife's daughter (has two residences, one about 3 or 4 hours from here, another residence about 45 mins away).
His answer: No, and that's against my better judgement, but I know to bring others into the fold will cause in her shear drama and panic .. and we certainly don't, either one of us need to weather that at present".
That was his answer initially.
I had responded to him that I didn't think that wise . that in his state at present, . she may very well need to call upon her daughter or her sisters and need some help if not for her, at least for him .. and I thought he might better go against her wishes and notify some others .. if for no other reason than should something tragic occur with her .. and fatal .. that him with that knowledge and not sharing it could be seen not favorable.
By the next time I talked to him he had indeed shared some of what's going on with her daughter, as well as her sisters and he was right .. it did cause fireworks that neither of them need in their lives, but he did so anyway.
So as it turns out, the one sister that lives mere blocks away has been instrumental in getting him . .to the hospital in the middle of the night when rescue carted stepmom off to be seen .. and the other sister has come up from an hour or so away and also been on scene. The daughter and her husband have arrived and been beneficial in helping.
My dad says the daughter and he are working to begin the cusp of looking into bringing someone in .. for light housework and meals .. and that has just begun .. and that he has missed a couple of PT appts (Step mom was the one carting him around) .. but that the daughter insists those must get seen to. That the daughter has summoned her husband to cart him to tomorrow's appt for PT .. and I told him I'd do so also . just let me know.
It's a delicate balance to walk with a dad who .. is married to indeed my stepmom of 50 years .. but .. the bond isn't there to the degree that I just go elbow my way around over at their house and say what for and when/where/how.
I told him that I won't, as of right now, try to go to the hospital to visit stepmom as I know her . that would cause her more upset than it would any good, thus I'll stay away for right now, but that if HE needs me .. let me know and I will be there to do whatever I can to help HIM.
The only thing I can imagine that I might do at this point is to bring a meal or two that way and I will likely do so .. maybe tomorrow or Friday .. and .. I so need to be catching up on things I've let slide around here, having been out of town, . with the twins and DD . and right on the heels of that the arrival of my mom and her husband here. I need to go thru mail that I've let sit .. I have a workers comp issue with our work/business that needs attending to, . I need to be doing some taxes stuff with our work, .. and just the household in general .. needs attention.
UGH.
She is not coming home - she's in a place where she will get the care she needs, at least as much as can be expected. And you are maintaining your boundaries. Awesome!
And now it looks like there may be more challenges ahead on your side of the family.
I do hope there is some time in here for you, to just do whatever you like, finally.
Remains to be determined what part I will assist with as to helping my dad, errands, meals, PT/doc appts, going forward. Step mom was doing all that and more and now she's incapacitated and will be for quite a while.
Reports from the MIL front from yesterday. Sounds like first full day at Purgatory, there was no time for pity parties. PT/OT, speech therapy, med nurse, case manager and more, in and out all day doing their various assessments and questions to get the ball rolling there as to MIL needs.
Sounds like SIL asked of MIL w/regard to slumpers (as it seems troubling to MIL to be among that sect) asked MIL what is it that so bothers her about the slumpers. MIL's answer, she fears that will be her.
SIL explaining to her mom that none of us would want that for ourselves, none of them likely did either, but people age in different ways some worse than others .. but that some of them are in fact communicative ... she herself traveling back and forth thru slumpers .. has spoken to various ones sitting and gotten response.. that there's reason they are all congregated ... so staff can keep a closer eye on them .. so they are socialized rather than secluded away.
I guess that little exchange as to explanation on slumpers fell neither here nor there. Doesn't sound like it was any kind of light bulb moment for MIL but it also didn't fall with any further protest either.
As SIL defined it: "its just more of mom and her whole denial of aging and she's having to now face it head on. She's spent her whole life denying the whole aging thing".
Me: that's why in the end this will be good for her in so many ways. 1) her health can be managed by round the clock care .. no more failure to take her meds and the fallout that ensues, but also her nutrition and hydration and general well being...but also ..2) she won't be as isolated. She's spent years peering out her kitchen window from her perch at the kitchen table, and her only company Poochy or a sporadic visit by one of us and off in her delusions of denying aging and so forth. That isolation isn't good for anyone and it has been horrible for her".
Sounds like chipper chatty Cathy roomie .. She's up in the AM and gone. She goes to art room and colors, engages in whatever programs are available, eats her meals in the dining room, only returns to the room when corralled by staff at bed time.
Interested to see how this pans out. Kinda sounds like the ideal roomie for someone who thinks having to room with someone is beneath her. What better scenario ... your roomie is such a social butterfly she has zero interest in hanging out in the room daily.
Waiting to see how/if the other shoe drops and somehow that piece of it all (which otherwise sounds pretty ideal) somehow develops into a problem now. I guess we'll see.
Well--she's where she needs to be. The roomie sounds like a perfect fit, since she isn't in the room all day and MIL probably won't leave it unless they force her. Roomie sounds like a perpetually 'up' person who's lived to see it all and is ready for whatever comes.
Dorker--I hope you can find a balance for helping your dad and yourself....your dad is pretty tough, but will need support. Open heart surgery at any age is scary, stepmom can't be young--this is going to be a hard rehab. Do encourage him to let her go to a facility to rehab. Heck--when my DH had two heart attacks last summer I had the option to send him to inpatient rehab and I wish (retroactively) that I had done so. We are just now--what, 10 months later? just beginning to find our balance again. I won't feel 'safe' until he has that cath scan next month.
Your dad will need a lot of support--hope he will accept it from all and sundry.
MIL is fine. Give her time to adjust and take time for dad right now. You know she is going to have a melt down when SIL leaves, plan on that and don't get involved. It's DH circus!
Sounds like MILs first day went well. The busier the better. The days will pass faster.
The comment SIL got from MIL regarding the wheelchair bound I think is positive. She sees her possible future. Her remark wasn’t derogatory, more that she has to look, see, face and accept her future. Not really that MIL is better than those surrounding her but that she didn’t want to find herself here. But she has. Maybe a glimmer of hope she is accepting her fate. Also, possibly that she isn’t embarrassed of the facility and it’s residents but that she, the forever young, is no longer forever young and she can no longer deny the fact. Maybe she will interact with some residents in OT/PT if she has to leave her room for those services.
Hope you and your family have a Happy Easter.
Happy Easter to everyone visiting this thread.
Talking to SIL who was startled last night to have rec'd a phone call from Purgatory at like 9 PM . saw it on caller ID and panicked almost.
Reason for their call, wanting to inform that MIL is slated today for PT/OT and speech therapy, wanted to inform her.
SIL tells it that she told this individual .. "your call scared the bejeebers out of me .. I thought something was wrong".
The answer given by the caller: "Oh no .. get used to it .. we try to keep the family apprised of any and all updates . .and changes .. we call a lot".
Wow .. what a difference. I realize POSH was a rehab and that's different than LTC where MIL is presently . but at POSH it just seemed like you had to pull teeth to get answers to anything . and at this place, "THEY" are calling, to keep all apprised of what's going on. I am impressed!
Then this morning the phone rang . .and SIL saw it was Purgatory .. again .. panic. Turns out the only reason for the call . they need her signature as POA .. on a DNR. They were asking if she'd like them to fax the form. No, she told them she'd be there later and would sign the form, when she stops in.
Maybe it's just the newness (hope not) of this specific site and all trying to get their bearings and it all wears down in the end, to sorry lack of communication . hope that isn't the case in the end. But it appears, at least initially here, the communication as to the goings on .. is absolutely stellar.
I don't know if Purgatory becomes permanent . time will tell. I think there is still .. at least on the part of SIL and maybe somewhat MIL . hope held out that AL can be the path forward. Though the picture is becoming clearer .. at least to SIL . that may not be possible .. depends on how much rehabbing brings back former functionality . thus far .. not so great.
I don't know that MIL was a true candidate anyway for AL .. someone who hasn't routinely dressed herself daily for a couple of years or more. I think there is still a sliver of hope on their parts that AL can be the path . but it's becoming clearer that may not be possible, so Purgatory could .. in the end, be permanent. We'll see.
And yes, I agree it's rather a ray of sunshine that the light has finally come on . in SIL. I think she still falls easily prey to the whole magic whirligig notion ... but .. it took her coming to the realization and recognition that she cannot adequately care for her mom around the clock .. to get here, finally.
So very glad to have not been a part of the scene there, as it was told to me by DH.
The day of intake . and being asked of this med and that med and this symptom and that symptom and each question asked, SIL chiming in . as if MIL doesn't have a vocal chord to speak at all for herself. Until .. DH ... chimed in. "SISTER let mother answer for herself!". DH tells it that the staff picked up on it, readily (I'm sure they do, SIL can't be the first nervous nelly of a LO there to try to manage all things site facility and care) .. picking up on it . that SIL would be the voice, arms/legs/hands, brain, mouth, ears, etc . all things MIL and not let MIL think .. have a thought or word of her own .. her circumventing same by being her mouthpiece, . until DH shut it down. Good for him. Glad I wasn't there!
Obviously a little slow on the uptake. Should have taken this approach long before now.
My bio family won't be in town (generally they aren't for holidays). Oh sure DD & company would come for an Easter dinner spread if I was fixing it. But not at all sure I want all the hullabaloo. I've had some semblance of g'kids or all at once each of the past 3 weekends. So wasn't at all sure I wanted all the chaos.
That left only DH's family as possible attendees. We know MIL isn't up to being carted here (and would be a really bad idea to do so at this early stage of her transitioning to this new stage of life). SIL & B? Could've cooked with them in mind and maybe I should've. But in truth ... I've seen too many holiday dinners, dinners that are a huge expense and an enormous energy drain, go down the tubes in lieu of whatever is the latest MIL calamity/saga. It's happened enough, I should have long ago hung up my apron and quit with any holiday meal prep with them in mind.
At this point with MIL situated in Purgatory... chances are less than they were in times past, that plans would get turned on their ear with some MIL malaise or worse.
But I just don't have the energy at this point to go to the trouble knowing it could all go sideways.
Guess I'll check what local restaurants are doing.
Most places have some sort of community room that you can use/rent for family celebrations. We brought the party to mom which avoided the problems of transporting her, her having an emergency and of her getting tired.
Mom usually lasted for about an hour at these events and when she signalled that she was done, we wheeled her back to her room and we partied on.
It was a good solution that worked for us.
I was glad that they had everyone eat in the dining room where my mom was placed. Mom protested strongly about that at first, but it really did serve to bring her around by having that "rule" in place. She actually made some friends at mealtime, and I caught her laughing and socializing with them and staff while eating.
Plus, they made the holiday meals rather festive, with decorations and special desserts. Family and friends were welcome to join the group in the dining room for any meal, also. I would wheel mom down often for lunch, and have lunch with her. I got to know many of the other residents that way. Then I would wheel her back. Wonder if they will do anything like that where MIL is?
Another thing I did when I visited would be to help my mom choose her outfit for the next day, and hang it outside the closet for staff. Mom liked being able to choose her clothes, particularly for those holiday meals.
Would hope they will work to get her to go to the dining room in time. Thus far, she says "oh they all have their little groups they all gather in and I'm not part of any of those little groups, so I have my meals brought to my room". I hope that will change, in time.
Thats a good idea, holiday meals there on site and then don't have to cart the LO off site. I need to check and see what they offer.
DH and I ran by for a brief visit yesterday evening. All in all, while it's an adjustment, things are even keeled.
She does still seem to be bothered by the slumper sect all milled about in close proximity to nurse station. She talked about that some. But I also happened to know our pastor had visited her yesterday and spent an hour or better there. And on the topic of slumpers his words to her had been "well it's a great way to not feel sorry for yourself. If you get to feeling sorry for yourself, don't have to look far to see others far worse off". Good for him. Because I knew that dialogue had taken place, when it came up while DH and myself visited. I kinda parroted what the pastor had to say on that topic, along with stating the valid reasons why the slumpers are all congregated there.
MIL complained that chatty Cathy (she never sees her, chatty Cathy is out and gone daily, all day).. but when chatty Cathy was brought to her room for bed time, sounds like MIL was already, lights out and asleep. But awakened by lights being turned on, staff attending to getting chatty Cathy to bed, tv then turned on, and I guess chatty Cathy eats a bedtime snack and was loudly crunching on potato chips in the bed next to MIL.
That would be, yes... annoying. And I said as much to MIL. "That will take some getting used to!".
I know while we were there chatty Cathy wasn't present. She did however at one point come wheeling in, it turned out, to use the bathroom. DH saw her wheeling in, it was after dark, so trying to determine if it's her bed time and we need to clear out... he asked her "is it your bed time?". She responded no, she was there to use the bathroom. At that MIL chimed in "well I hope you don't wake me up this time, like last night".
I saw chatty Cathy pause momentarily in her wheelchair as she was entering the bathroom and glance MIL's way at that remark. I cringed thinking "uh oh this woman is gunna let her have it". Chatty Cathy paused that moment, glanced MIL's direction at having been admonished by MIL and didn't say anything... went on about her business. Whew! But I bet it's coming. I guess roomies ultimately have to work these things out in one way or the other. I know MIL was annoyed that chatty Cathy tv stayed on for what MIL describes as well into the night.
This would all take some getting used to and I guess in the end, that's what happens. People settle in. I hope.
So far I am pleased with the place. They seem well staffed, it's clean ... a bit dates but that's not a deal breaker to me, it's safe .. as best I can tell, staff are friendly and responsive. I'm pleased with it. I think it's going a little better even than I might've predicted, sans working out the kinks of sharing a room and the various quirks of each party.
They got her roomate headphones that plugged into the TV. Mom got them for hers too. Easy fix.
1. Maybe someone hard of hearing has their tv blaring at a decibel that's untenable to the roomie.
2. Maybe someone's choice of entertainment on tv isn't the roomies same taste.
3. Maybe roomie like a tv on all night to sleep by and other roomie finds that abhorrent.
So I asked. Answer given, no we don't generally have problems with that issue and just ask that residents try to respect each other and their respective wants as to the television or if it's problematic in some way try to pair residents accordingly as best that can be achieved.
I heard what was said in answer to my question but wasn't sure I bought it .. that's certain.
The above would be an issue for me ... we're I rooming with another individual.
I can't believe it's as simple as the answer I was given.
I know MIL was displeased ... chatty Cathy brought to bed, that whole scene having awakened MIL but not only that. Chatty Cathy's tv then being turned on and left on well into the night as MIL put it.
MIL saying ... "I didn't want to ask her to cut off her tv ... I could hear her awake ...forever munching on potato chips .. so I knew She was awake ... but I thought to myself Dear God I hope she cuts that tv off at some point".
She said ultimately she fell asleep ... awakened at some point during the night and found the tv was off. Didn't know who turned it off or when though.
At least it didn't impede her going to sleep.
I moved out. Down to the spare room. Not happy about it, but there was no compromise, such as "no FOX news after dinner" or 'please, no GOT tonight'--he simply made a choice and it wasn't me. He says he can't sleep w/o the TV on, I cannot sleep WITH it on.
I wear a very thick, plushy eye mask when we travel and always wear earplugs.
MIL might like the plush eye mask and earplugs. They really do help and when DH and I travel and the TV is on in the hotel all night long...at least this way I can get some sleep.
I have a thing with TVs in the bedroom as well. I know some people like it, but my room is a haven and a place of rest. I have a thing with a black hole sitting in it that lets the rest of the world into my sanctuary.
Luckily, my Dh is ok with that.
I feel for ya.
I think my mom would have found Chatty Cathy annoying in the beginning. But it can be good to have a room mate as we found out when we had problems where another person in the room would have helped.
Watching as my dad grapples with the plight handed to him via his wife's emergency surgery for bypass.
We know she had undx'd dementia (in firm denial all along and would NOT go get seen, unfortunately). The general anesthesia .. for the surgery .. who knows what her normal baseline will return to .. once she's past all this from the surgery. But things aren't good at present. Her health .. post-surgery, progressing as it should, but he has had to hire a private sitter for the hospital visit. She .. not all that oriented .. tries to wander off.
My dad, still recuping from his own maladies with his back surgery ... and not yet driving, . on a walker . .and not all that stable .. to be ambulating .. can't really cook for himself, at present .. certainly cannot drive yet .. can't do housework (dependent upon his wife, my stepmom of 50 years for same). Now she's down for the count. And so .. he's kinda adrift ..
But .. at present .. stepmom's daughter and her husband are staying there at his house and carting him back and forth to the hospital .. of course seeing to it that he has meals (has no appetite, but that's about normal for him anyway) .. and so forth. They will be backing down some this coming week, as to what all they can do .. as they then go about some of their other obligations.
My dad is slated to interview someone tomorrow, being brought in for a few days a week . part'l days .. for light errands, . light housework, . some meals, etc .. and so that will answer to some of the need. I will also be stepping in . somewhat . to fill in where the hired help maybe can't.
Step sister's husband has also gotten my dad a smartphone .. and gotten it up and functional for the purpose of Uber .. and transport where/when needed. And dad .. who .. like a lot of folks his age (80) .. is not all that adept at technology .. is better (when he's well) at trying to learn it, struggling through . than some would be, and on board to try.
The difference is astounding in having watched MIL all these years .. resistant to anyone being brought on board to help .. resistant to Uber .. resistant to most anything unless it was what she wanted, how she wanted ...
Watching my dad and him adrift .. and all he is struggling with .. and being mindful of what/where/how .. he can work to resolve some of this .. and willingly participating in same.
It's astounding.
Makes me ponder just how dysfunctional all of it has been with MIL for so long.
Tthey never want to go anywhere, as they have "been there before", and therefore you shouldn't want to go there either, as they can just tell you what it was like, and of course it was boring to them the first time, so why bother going at all. They strive to get No enjoyment out of life, (why be happy and positive) that way they have something to bit*h about.
My husband and I were so stuck in a rut with his Narc Father, never getting any enjoyment out of life, all because we were constantly stuck trying to please his Dad. They Suck the life out of you.
So glad your Dad is at least trying to fend for himself and getting stronger so that he can take care of his ailing wife.
II hope that your Stepmother is feeling better soon, so sorry about her heart situation and surgery, hope she is able to regain her mental status real soon. Getting help in the home is proactive and a super idea for the both of them.
Happy Easter! 🐰🐥🐤🐣🐇❤