I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Your dad has enabled stepmom. SIL has enabled MIL.
Will your dad overrule stepmom's idiotic refusal of in home care and a proper dx? Or will he continue to enable her, to his own detriment?
I think that's the big question in your life right now.
You and your stepsister might want to join forces in this.
Happy Easter!
Good for him that he has the wits about him to be thinking along these lines and proactive in such.
Yes, ,it will be worse than sand papering a lion's tail ........... stepmom is going to protest mightily to any and all of the above.
My dad was already struggling with his own health maladies (post back surgery and not yet up to speed). And unable to care for her .. that was already the case. In fact, it was she caring for him! He knows he will not be equipped to care for her .. unless there is some drastic turn around in all this, and that's not likely.
It's just really astounding the differences. MIL was enabled .. to the ends of the earth .. and watching what is going on in my dad's corner, doesn't appear there will be any of that.
While you've had an at arms-length relationship with your father for most of your life - it sounds like you got your being a realist from him. Add in the no nonsense approach to life that your mother seems to ascribe to - perhaps they both have had a healthy influence in making you the level-headed person you are, Dorker.
Whats interesting in the bigger picture - at least to me - is how you wound up hip deep marrying into a bunch of fanciful rainbows and unicorn chasers.
Is it a case of opposites attract?
My dh came from a really messed up family. People who give “dysfunctional” a bad rep. I’ve always said he’d been better off raised by wolves. In the 21 years we’ve been together he has never once - not once - told me a memory of a Christmas or birthday with his family. He doesn’t talk about it and I don’t push. But I do think that was part of what appealed to him about me - my family. To someone who didn’t know us - just looked at the family Christmas card, we probably looked like Ozzie and Harriets happy clan. Lol - boy, did he find out my mothers pretty frosting did not a tasty cake make!
Thoughts to ponder when inspecting your navel lint gets boring, I suppose.
Mine was a fractured bunch, none of whom had much time or inclination for attention to the little urchins my brother and myself were probably seen as.
DH's the picture perfect (seemingly) cohesive in tact family I guess I thought my existence lacked.
Indeed
Oh well.
Spent yesterday afternoon and well into the night with my dad now anchorless sans his right arm of his wife, in the ER.
Sshortness of breath, horrible cough. Dx bronchitis .. several miles and hours later in search of an open pharmacy on Easter and rx's in hand. Left him late last night, went home.
Bback early this morning before dawn ... he isn't yet ambulatory (post back surgery) to fend for himself .. so fixed breakfast.. doled out pills. Helped him interview someone now going to help out partial days going forward.. as to carting him to see step mom at hospital .. light house work, meals, Errands etc.
Still at my dad's... he is weak and so tired. Helping out.
But glad he has the wherewithal to not refuse outside help.
I even think that my In-Laws enjoyed getting to know my family, and once they saw how us 6 kids took care of our parents in their Senior years and through their ilnesses, they to came to expect it from their only child who was stable and present in their lives. They got that good care from us in spades! My siblings were very kind to my FIL there in the end, Bless them!
Dorker, I hope everything is going OK with all your folks!
I was over dealing w/my dad. Knowing that today was D-day for DD's dog. Her having her vet come to the house to put down her 10 yo dog, and heartbroken.
She had it lined up that her father in law was to come and sit with the kids .. so they don't watch their mom fall to pieces.
When I get a call from DD . that the father in law can't come . can I leave my dad and come and be with the kids, .. the vet is to come earlier than expected.
So begged off of being there with my dad .. (some shortness of breath, .. and a horrible cough .. weak from his back surgery and the newly dx'd bronchitis) .. and so leave my dad .. to now fly over to the other side of town and keep a lid on kids .. so the vet can come . and put the dog to sleep in the comfort of his b'yard where he spent his life (that and in their house).
The vet wasn't early afterall, ... it was taking forever for the vet to come. Meanwhile, I'm exhausted from having been up late to stay with my dad til he went to bed last night .. and then up early this morning to head back over there.
He has now hired someone who will come in at 11 AM daily .. and so at least until he is better .. from this bronchitis .. I will go in the AM . and make sure he eats for the time being .. and takes his meds (he is coherent and so forth and no cognitive issues . but ambulating is an issue to be able to fix himself anything to eat).
Over there early (he's an early riser, as am I) .. but over there til late last night . getting him situated. Then back again, early this morning, then .. of course, fly over to DD's to help with that situation.
The vet did show up . .. and her family dog is now gone. DD all to pieces of course . crying. Me exhausted .. trying to keep a lid on the 3 kids .. but needing to go ... so I can get home and eat something and get some rest . .but also call and check on my dad ..
Just ..
I need a vacation from all this!
And somewhere in the b'ground of all this is MIL and the never ending saga of her tale of woe .. lost in it all.
Sorry, but you probably don't want to hear my answer. All I can say is don't forget to eat and drink right, keep your car gassed up, keep your cellphone charged, and try to get a good night's sleep each night.
Uunfortunately you are officially in the deep end of the Caregivers journey, and life as you know it will most likely be non-stop parental crisis, one right after another until, well you know.
It's imperative that you keep your husband involved and doing his share, especially with his own Mom, as your own parents are definitely going to need you from time to time. Thank God if you have helpful siblings!
I know that you will do fine, as you are an organized sort and will make things happen, but the problem lies when parents are stubborn and will not allow outside help into their homes (as you well know), thankfully you Dad sees the importance in this, your very lucky there! Still, all this "arranging care" is Exhausting too, so Stay strong and healthy!
In 2011, my mom went downhill. My DH had been unemployed for 2 years at that point, so needing to drive 70 miles round trip was no picnic financially when she declared an " emergency". 2012 I got hit by a car, 2 weeks before my first grandchild was born. ( My DD yelled at me that I was not allowed to die before she gave birth).
Dh got a job that required him to be onsite at 5.30 am. I started driving him there in the summer of '12, getting up at 4 am each morning. Started swinging around to DD's each morning to hold the baby while she and her husband showered for work.
Meanwhile DH's mom, dxed with dementia got crazier, accused him of abusing her.
My mom had a stroke in 2013, followed by a hip fracture and ended up in a NH 75 miles away ( closest to my POA brother). Thus began a weekly 150 mile trek to see mom, manage her doc appointments.
DH's mom had an aortic aneurysm, had surgery, refused rehab and died. Slowly.
My mom died August of 2017. ( this is the stuff I remember. I was, until very recently, working at a high stress mental health job).
Dorker, those years, from 2011 until my mom died, and thereafter, are an awful blur. DH and I are still repairing the damage to the warp and woof of our relationship. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I don't. Just know that this is the "stage of life" that no one ever talks about. It's brutal.
((((((Hugs))))))
We married ( second for both of us) that we would not domicile either mother, no matter what.
But we didn't forsee the exhaustion, the interference with enjoying grandkids, financial pressures or family drama
(within DH's family) that obtained. In the middle of all this, a good friend said to me " my Mom wants to send you a message. She says that she so regrets that she was so tied up in her mother's care that she didn't get to know her grandkids". I carry that with me every day.
The fight to emancipate from MIL need and selfish whims.
May be why I have a keen appreciation at this point for watching how things play out in my dad's corner. Him being proactive in the realization that time has come to entertain the notion of bringing in help. Doing just that.
Sitting in yesterday as he interviewed someone to fill that role and weighing in per his request where appropriate. It dawned on me, as it's being described to this individual the specifics of need at present and going forward, transport to doc appts, errands to pick up rx's perhaps; or groceries, transport to and from hospital to visit step mom, transport to PT, light house work, meal prep, etc. It dawned on me, these are the very things I did for MIL for a long long time. MIL ill equipped (as opposed to my dad) to write a check to pay for the above.
It really, as I sat through and participated yesterday, cemented so deeply ingrained in me ... if I ever doubted and I don't think I did, the exit from mobile assisted living and all things chasing rainbows and unicorns as to MIL this sure shows ... I did it all far longer than I should have ever agreed to.
Showed me also that I am warranted in my lack of patience with the incessant whining coming from MIL's corner. And I do have a lack of patience for it, have had for a long while.
Yes I do fight for emancipation to be able to enjoy time with my grands or even to sit and contemplate naval lint if that's what I wish to do with my time.
These elderly folks don't get to terminally up end the existence of their LO's. Doesn't work that way.
Glad my dad seems to have some knowledge and insight on that, right here at the starting gate to the marathon that is his and his wife aging and growing more frail.
Her . last night .. ready to stroke out. Gets a phone call from her mom .. goes about like this:
MIL: "I need you to, when you come here, get my clothes moved out of the closet and into the dresser closer to me .. I need to be able to get to them .. and change my clothes myself .. and I need to go to the bathroom right now, . and I've buzzed them but they don't come . and so I'm going to just go myself without their help .. ".
This kinda thing makes SIL nuts .................
She can't . shouldn't be . changing into her PJ's without assistance, and she damn sure shouldn't be trying to ambulate on her own, to the bathroom to potty without assistance.
My response to SIL: "you said they had someone working with her on her poor judgement skills .. they need to step it up .. and help her understand that she cannot put herself at risk for further injury and if not that . then she damn sure doesn't need to TELL YOU the dangerous chit she's doing .. just that alone is poor judgement . just do it, don't tell you . especially you".
My tale of woe .. with my elderly.
I had spent until about mid day with my dad yesterday, departed when his hired help arrived. And then to attend to my own world, and the things lacking that I would normally be doing with my time . .and like a fire drill as it seems my world gets up ended and things left unattended to, in my existence, then .. such limited time to attend to and address them.
When I get a call from my dad yesterday afternoon, went about like this:
Tired/weary/ailing dad: "sounds like they are moving K (stepmom) this afternoon, to rehab .. so she's going to be at "XYZ" .. for rehab . and the worst of it all ... she and her daughter have had a blow out (the two fight routinely it's nothing new) .. and so her daughter flew in here this afternoon .. to the house .. and grabbed and packed up all her things .. said she's going to see to it her mom is situated in the Rehab and then she's heading the h377 outta here and returning home. I know she had intended to, ,.. since K gets so disoriented ... she had every intention of trying to stay with her .. at least one night, . to help her orient to the new setting . but that's out the window now .. she and K now fighting with one another ... I suspect she's off her meds, and manic .. maybe .. I could kick her arse up between her shoulder blades .. she needs to be more patient with her mother . but she doesn't seem to be able to do that .. and so she and her mom have gone to blows this afternoon .. and so I'm worried as to how K is gonna settle in at the new place .. I'm here just trying to maintain myself . and went to PT .. and maybe over did it .. considering my own bronchitis I'm fighting . got outta breath . and then came home determined to rest, when the phone then began to blow up with all this .. so unable to rest .. and I'm just trying to keep peace .. as best I can from arm's length since I can't go anywhere and do anything. I wonder if it might be possible you run up to the Rehab site "XYZ" and get a feel for how things are .. is K oriented .. is she agitated because she and her daughter have gone to blows ..maybe if you could just get a feel for all that and get back with me".
So agreed to go do that .. and so .. gave it time for them to get her moved from the hospital to the Rehab site .. and get her settled in. Went there about 7 PM.
All seemed (okay) as to .. any war going on between . the daughter and mom. Some tensions . but no one was throwing things at each other, and/or cursing each other out .. and stepmom .. seemed her usual .. somewhat discconnected self, asking the same questions .. repeatedly. Sore/weak/ailing as she fights back from bypass surgery.
Got back from that about 8:30 . reported in to my dad to set his mind at ease .. and then DH needed me answering to and completing
completing some correspondence and reports having to do with work . and so at 10:30 I was finally done for the day. And resolved that if one more person so much as asks me to look in their direction, I'm going to snap.
Not going to my dad's today to check on him (which is worrisome to me) . but there are some business/accounting matters that if I don't get them attended to, .. it will be bad news for us .. and so I HAVE TO do that instead with my day. Have to.
Left my dad some danish for breakfast this morning, knowing I'd not be there to attend to him getting something to eat, to take with his morning meds ..
He is still .. short of breath . somewhat (not as bad as he was) as he fights this bronchitis . and it has wiped out what existed before (which wasn't good) .. as to any energy level ..
Feel bad not being there to attend to him this morning . but I'd feel worse when I find that we now have some issues .. due to my lack of attending to business matters on our end. So here I will stay and attend to the business issues and not over there.
Sheesh!
SIL and I both want to know where's the cruise ship to get on and float away from all this chit .. with a big fruity drink with an umbrella in it, in our hands.
SIL also fighting with RM company. Got something in the mail over the weekend from the RM company that says the home has to be vacated by 5/12 due to non payment of property taxes. SIGH
Property taxes were indeed paid back in December, . .and proof of same exists .. but somehow RM company never got that . and so ... of course, you don't comply with the rules, . they call in their due .. vacate the home. But SIL working to get that straightened out and get proof to them .. that the property taxes were indeed paid, has cancelled check to prove it ..
What she needs is one more headache from something so stupid as someone out there and their incompetence at pushing the right button somewhere along the way . to indicate the property taxes were paid as should be.
And what I need .. is to have to now run out and go put a lid on . or try to at least get a "read" as to stepmom and her warring now with her daughter.
Her daughter has bipolar disorder .. and I don't know her daughter all that well . the last time I spent any time around her, .. I was a kid .. living under the same roof. That was a lifetime ago . we are all now in our 50's and 60's .. she's grown as am I .. it's been decades since I've been around her. Somewhere along the way she was dx'd with bipolar disorder .. and what mania looks like and acts like in her .. not anything I'd be aware of. But apparently she and her mom routinely go at it with one another .. it's nothing new. Apparently this fight stemmed from the mother (stepmom) having refused PT .. and the daughter to stepmom having issue with that .. and so the two went to battle.
Enough already!
Is there a plan to get MIL evaluated for dementia while she's in rehab? There is usually a geriatric psychiatrist who calls in at these places. That might be a suggestion to make.
Your dad sounds sweet. But.... it also sounds as if he and stepmom are going to very soon need changes in their living arrangements. And all the stress that involves getting it done.
I feel for you.
Per terms of RM .. if one is not "continually" residing in the residence in any given 12 month period, the home is considered vacated and to be surrendered to the RM company.
The period she spent in IL, doesn't count, as that was a "visit" to a relative and reported as same, and ok'd by RM.
She returned there to her residence, in February (2/3) and so was now once again residing in the home. But ... she had her UTI and so forth attack on 2/17 . landing her in the hospital and from there to Rehab for same, and it was there, she fell and broke her hip ... and in the middle of all this is when decision was made, she will not be returning home per SIL .. who surrenders to .. "I can't do this".
As we know that started the Medicaid Pending ball rolling.
So .. at what point is it considered that her official residence has changed for good? I don't know .. right now she is housed at Purgatory .. as Medicaid Pending .. and for rehab services. A question it's hoped to dial down in another atty meeting tomorrow. To get a better idea as to when the house has to be vacated for good.
Stepsister is right, refusal of PT will buy you a one way ticket outta rehab and back to your home, or to SNF .. if one has that set up. Dad .. very very keenly aware of that issue .. but also .. aware (and he's right) treating his wife with anger and animosity (as it seems the daughter did) will surely not get that end result one hopes to achieve. Gentle persuasion may not even do it, but anger will surely not do it. And it appears that was the "go to" of the supposedly "manic" daughter.
Dad also keenly aware ... if she cannot adequately rehab, and/or her mental faculties don't return to the former baseline (which wasn't all that good anyway) .. then LTC it's gonna be for her. Keenly aware of that.
But he himself, .. compromised and hobbled in his own maladies at present .. little energy and/or resolve to work towards end goal of any damn thing ..
Him very much dependent at this point on myself (the only other relative for miles) .. and the hired help that comes in daily .. to at least assist with transport, errands, etc .. and meal prep.
I went to see stepmom last night at Rehab . and while there were no active fireworks between she and her daughter (not evident to me anyway) .. I found in her, .. she's pizzed .. just doesn't want this .. her words: "I'm just pissed off ... I don't want any of this! I am not a good patient, I'm far better at caring for others than I am at being cared for .. I am ready to go .. I didn't want all this .. I'm ready to go meet my maker, have been .. done with this life .. and now all this horse chit I don't want .. ".
I respond: "Well for whatever the reasons . it's not your time . but the good news is . once you fight past all this rehab . you'll feel better and be back to being a caregiver, rather than care receiver .. so you gotta go do the rehab .. to get to that point.
Her response: a tired beleaguered .. "that's what they tell me".
What you see at this point is that Dorker is not gonna get mired in the drama of stepmom and her daughter, and refusal to rehab . and all that goes w/that territory. I'm just not gonna be there daily to encourage/persuade/cajole, .. whatever. Not my fight to wage, not going to do it.
I did, to assure my dad and alleviate his concerns .. go there last night and get a "read/feel" for things .. (he can't get in the car and go do it on his own and his hired help off duty by that time of day). So I did do that much. Went there to get a "read" of the situation. Tensions yes .. but not fireworks.
Sounds like as of now, .. he is trying to get to .. the end resolve of getting a night sitter .. for stepmom .. as the daughter did spend the night last night, but is leaving today to return to her home (some 3 or 4 hours from here).
Dad asking of me ..
what do you pay an o'nite sitter.
I answered honestly "I have zero experience there dad, can't answer that".
The problem being encountered there, .. she forgets she cannot yet ambulate on her own .. and tries to get out of bed, setting off alarms, etc .. so .. a night sitter needed .. I suppose.
On top of that .. I try to call my dad this morning to just check on him and find his home phone out of order. So then dialing down on and trying to find who he uses for home phone, to report trouble on the line .. and all I can talk to is a computer .. at that company.
Frustrating. Can't even attend to my own affairs for putting out fires on that end.
And yes, I have encouraged dad .. he needs to see about getting her cognitive abilities assessed while she's captive in that setting. He found in that, a good idea .. and hopefully will see it through.
Lets hope whatever type of setting your Stepmom is in for rehab they are equipped to handle dementia. Kinda sounds like it to me if they are using bed alarms! Yaaay!
Yes, it’s unnerving to be around the alarms. We think we have to keep the Loved Ones in line to keep the alarms from sounding. Not the case. Hope your Step Sister goes home and let’s the staff handle Stepmom. Stepmom may be pissed, she may be confused, she may be a lot of things but the staff should be handling her. If she is the typical Dementia rehabber she will probably do better when family is not around.
Geez there is a chitstorm in your world but no real emergencies...at the moment. Tend to your business at home. The rest can wait.
In fact, I know she and the daughter tangled when my dad had his surgery for his back and stepsister came into town to assist .. be there on their homefront. As stepmom put it to me, .. "it's time for her to go home and rule her own roost .. this is my roost . she tries to take control here, and that doesn't fly with me".
Yep. Gotcha!
So .. she will indeed, IMO, probably do better once her daughter leaves and stops with trying to control her mom's roost (even though her mom's roost at present is a Rehab setting).
Talked to my dad finally via cell phone he cares about as much for as yesterday's garbage. Apparently he is now the proud owner of a Smartphone .. brough to bear by stepsister's husband who thought it a swell plan that he'd need a smartphone to upload Uber as to transport back and forth with hospital visits. Grand plan. But .. what no one really recognized and acknowledged here is that .. while UBER will indeed transport him .. yep .. they will, .. they aren't going to help with the fact he isn't ambulatory enough to traverse the halls/corridors of a public setting such as rehab/hospitals. So .. he needs .. however he gets to said setting, . someone has to be on the other end of a wheelchair to get him from point A to B ... at least for the immediate future. So UBER ...................... a little beyond his capabilities at this point.
But that Smartphone brought to bear by his son in law (step son in law) .......... for an 80 year old such as my dad ... there will be a steep learning curve. And giving credit where it's due .. as to my dad and technology .. he does have the inclination/proclivity .. to struggle through such things .................. given the absence of all this other horse chit going on in his world at present.
He had a cell phone . your old flip phone of days gone by .. one where you buy the minutes ahead of time, and it's only feature was calling on the cell phone, no other bells/whistles. He was just fine with that.
That is now rendered .. undone .. in lieu of the smartphone brought to bear by step son in law. Dad .. at present . with all else on his agenda .. including his own foibles and weakness ............. could care less about that smartphone and even looking at it, much less learning it (I don't blame him).
I did finally talk to him though .. via that smartphone and let him know that his home phone has now been reported as out of order, .. and .. unfortunately to a computer generated system .. it was the only option available. Couldn't talk to a human. And I did impart to him again, .. in his visit today to Rehab to see his wife (hired help facilitating same later today) .. that he needs to take the time to dial down and get contact info for case manager and work the angle of getting a cognitive assessment in the works for his wife. He thanked me for reminding him of same, and for handling the phone issue .. and that was that.
SIL has been doing MIL's laundry for her. It had been my intention to get that out there, .. you better be setting it up that the facility does the laundry .. I'm not going to do it.
Hadn't yet seen to that.
When I got word from SIL .. as follows: "I talked to them there at Purgatory and when I leave . they'll be doing her laundry for her .. it occurred to me the other night . as I stood at the toilet with rubber gloves on ... rinsing out .. like you'd do a soiled dirty cloth diaper, the chit out of her chit stained/caked up pj bottoms .. stood there doing that . after having dug out the peroxide to scrub at and rinse off .. and try to get the blood off of one of the sleeves of her pj tops .. Dorker is NOT gonna have time to do this .. I'm gonna speak to them and get it set up they'll do her laundry .. so that's been done ... they know that her laundry is to be done by them, ,got that taken care of".
Good news, cuz yea .. I'd been meaning to mention that in the myriad of other things SIL ................ I'm not doing laundry for your mom. Especially not chit caked up .. stained pj's .. no thanks.
Well at least she got there. Never mind how.
Not gonna have time - !
Correct. Also, not gonna do it, time or no time.
And SIL doesn't half like making work for herself, eh? There are special single-use plastic (sorry, dolphins and turtles) laundry bags for *exactly* this purpose: I first found out about them from mother's rehab. Heavily soiled items go straight in them, you do them up, you put them into a stout wash cycle with a prewash, and a laundry disinfectant in the softener dispenser if you're feeling especially anxious; these bags have a built-in soluble strip which undoes itself in the water thereby releasing the garments, and nobody ever has to touch anything undesirable.
Do you have Dettol for laundry in the States? And Vanish?
Anyway... not on your Need To Know list.
And yep .. Chatty Cathy said as all this was going on, .. "I don't care how careful you are, they're gonna lose your things".
I think that's in part why SIL has been so vigilant to do the laundry for her mom.
Im afraid you’re THERE. The place in time when - for those who, being of the caring, fixing, pleasing variety find themselves with more than one elderly loved beginning to seriously decline. And being of that variety is impossible not to try to help.
Having just one elderly loved one can be difficult enough. When there is more than one - and they begin the decline in unison it becomes a special kind of hell. You just get one patched up and on the road to recovery, a new lifestyle setting and a plan (Hahaha - a plan?!!) moving forward - another fall or starts playing medication roulette or tells you the cat has begun to speak - and the cycle starts anew with this other elderly loved one.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Youve learned so much, Dorker - in your selfless caring of your MIL. DO NOT push these lessons aside now that it appears it is YOUR parent. Don’t be afraid to use any and all of the tools you have earned and learned. For better or for worse - you know how this goes - one way or another.
It dawned on me as to my dad and the goings on in his end ... all his need .. transport, meals, etc .. (he has hired someone to help). I could've very easily said to him (and he'd of accepted) "oh dad don't go spending that kinda $ .. I'll come cart you around, I'll fix a meal .. big enough you can eat off it a couple of days, throw in a load of laundry for ya here and there, and run the vacuum .. don't worry about it, you need someone to stop by the post office, run by the hardware store for ya .. no problem .. I'll do it on my way there ... don't go sign up for spending all that $".
Nope .. didn't offer that.
Maybe having already walked that walk myself .. in MIL's trials through the years, I knew ................. I K-N-E-W better!
He didn't ask, .. it was his assumption right out of the gate that he'd need to be hiring someone to come in and help out . and I didn't counter that assumption at all, . .and I won't be.
Was very telling of him yesterday . .he wanted me to clean out his freezer from his hoarder of a wife (a famous from way back when BOGO queen) .. and stock piler .. (I'm one myself). Wanted me cleaning out the freezer in the garage to purge out all the old freezer burned meats, etc. And yes there were some dated back to 2002 .. you got that right, 2002.
I did that, garbage day today .. perfect time for it, offload all that old stuff.
Then the next issue became formulating some kinda grocery list that makes sense .. as he'd have his hired help go get groceries for him. And he said of himself, which is so true of him .. that he doesn't even know where to begin to formulate any kinda list .. that all these years (he isn't finicky .. he eats almost anything put in front of him . not much appetite . but that's nothing new) .. as he put it: "I just .. all these years, I didn't do the meal planning, that was K ... she's the one that put all that together and prepared it .. and I ate whatever she fixed .. ".
Me: "Well what kinda things do you like, do you have any preferences, we an put that on the list and have her pick up some of the things needed to make some of the things you prefer".
Him: "No . not really, I mean I'm not a fancy kinda guy . you know me, .. fried spam .. I'm good .. dried beans and cornbread ... I don't need anything fancy".
Me: "Okay we can work with that, .. dried beans on the list .. and cornmeal to make cornbread .. and fried spam ..????.... I dunno . not real good for ya .. but okay I guess, every once in a while ... pot roast? You like pot roast?".
Just trying to help him to formulate what to even put on a list so that the hired help will now know .. what to try to put together in the way of a meal to feed him .. he's lost. He truly is. I don't fault him . it's just the way his married life (50 plus years) has gone. A meal gets prepared and put in front of him . how it even got there to the house . and figured as to what to buy to go with said meal . never been on his radar.
I get that.
But nope .. I didn't throw my hat in the ring for all things dad need at this point, and glad that I won't be doing so. I will help .. indeed I will ......... but he can "hire" out help too .. and he's done that.
Your dad isn't demanding the impossible, In fact, he's being really sweet. That makes giving what you can a real blessing for all.
It's when people 'demand' stuff---either through well honed manipulation or sheer narcissism--that we go 'hey, I don't wanna do this!' But we're STUCK.
That woman I helped, waaay too much, (everyone knows that rotten story) is a case in point; it is IMPOSSIBLE to do enough for her. And when she has drained you dry, she turns to someone else and puts on the southern charm accent.
You find yourself turning yourself inside out for people like that---and never are acknowledged or thanked. That's not WHY I give service, but a 'thank you' once in a year wouldn't go astray.
Your hands are full, Dorker, but this too shall pass. MIL is placed in an appropriate place, angry as she is, and you CAN control how much you see her. Your Step mom--well, she has her people. You can be there for your dad as much or little as you want. He sounds pretty chill, Be grateful for that.
And very important: SIL finally, finally 'gets it'. Horrible as it was, the end result is that she GETS it. And that is huge, in your first post--it really was mostly about this SIL and her incredible energy and over-involvement. That's really been dealt with. Be grateful!!
Back when I was a child, I was so resentful of my parents penny-pinching ways. The camping trips instead of vacations at Disneyland - like my friend had. Wearing homespun and hand-me-downs from my BROTHERS! Kraft Mac and Cheese - two boxes stretched with a lettuce and canned tuna “salad”... fed a family of five - including the appetites of two teenage boys. Let me tell ya - if I didn’t make it to the kitchen before my brothers, there wasn’t anything left for me to eat. My parents never stepped in - so I learned...
Anyhoo - “If I only knew then what I know now” as the saying goes.
A good paid caregiver - worth their weight in gold. Your parents being able to afford one - AND willing to hire one - PRICELESS!!!
I will always be grateful for my parents having the foresight to scrimp and save for an uncertain future. Now that I know better. I may have had a rough childhood - and I do mean beyond the hand-me-downs and the Blue Box meals... I’m not that shallow! But the absolutely best thing my parents ever did for me was to plan for their retirement.
For that I am immensely grateful.