I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
The visits always go .. always .. it's like you turn on an old phonograph and it's stuck playing the same chord over and over ... his visits with her, always always play like a broken record at least with him:
"I just don't know what my future holds. It's just all so scary. It wasn't supposed to be like this".
On and on . the same kinda theme plays with him and his visits (interestingly enough . not so with SIL or myself, but very much with him).
As he put it, hearing it again . .as he always does, each visit .. his words: "It's past pep talks at this point, I've said all I can say to her .. mom . take it one day at a time . mom set small goals for yourself .. mom don't worry about the future, worry about today".
As he puts it .. I've said all that over and over again .. to repeat the mantras she repeats .. there's nothing left to say ..
It dawned me listening to him . .when she says "I wasn't gonna get old, this wasn't going to happen to me".
Whatever delusional state she lived in all these years .. some state of being that told her she was forever going to be youthful .. and old folks . oh those are some other entity . not her .. that will never happen to her.
I think .................. she truly .. through and through and through .. to her core .. truly thought that!
How?
As I told her one time, when I was there, and her reciting that same tired stuff ... I wasn't gonna get old, this wasn't gonna happen to me.
My response to her: "I don't know how you deny it ...?!??!?!............... I take care of those twin g'children of mine and am reminded heartily . that I'm not 30 anymore .. I feel it .. in the aches and pains and the fatigue . shear utter fatigue .. of chasing them around . how in the h377 you deny aging . when the effects of it all smack you in the face, I don't know".
Her only response: "Well this just wasn't gonna happen to me".
I found myself later . it dawned on me ............ she truly believed that. I don't know how .. how does one deny that? And deny it to their core? How? I don't know. But .. when she says that, "this wasn't gonna happen to me". She truly lived it/breathed it/was it ......... thru and thru .. so all of this whole thing is truly a big smack of a cold sour wet washrag right across the face.
I can't tie it together ..
If I were able to say about her, .. oh she didn't chase g'children around . .she never spent a minute with them (as I do with mine) . that isn't so of her. She did spend time with her g'kids. Surely they wore her out . .surely ........!!!!...... mine do me. How did she escape the effects of getting older, and I haven't. I feel it . keenly when I do something like chasing around 2 yo's for the day .. if nothing else reminds me I'm no longer a youngster . that does .......... right smack in my fatigue level. Beat down tired!
As DD put it, pondering the above: "Mom .. all she ever did was work her little p/t job after she left real estate .. she just worked p/t in a little daycare . part'l days .. and then she'd sit on the beach and read books . that's all she had to do .. g'pa took care of paying the bills . she didn't do that .. that was him . he was the one at home tidying up the house .. he'd wash the dishes after supper that she prepared when she dragged in from beach sitting daily .. she didn't have to do a damn thing .......... she wasn't tired, ................ you ........ you help run a business .. you're the one that pays the bills, cleans the house, cooks the meals .. grocery shops .. and cleans up after meals .. and chase around g'children .. so you're gonna feel it .. she didn't have to do anything".
Maybe she's right.
But I do think this is all (unreal as that seems) just dawning on MIL . this cold harsh truth of aging.
I want some of her denial meds. Sounds great!
So often I find myself shopping for clothes on line - years of retail employment has left me detesting malls - anyhoo... as I shop and find something I think is cute, I can’t tell you how often I have to pull myself back saying “Now Rain, this is a store intended for “juniors” maybe it’s past your time to be wearing a cropped top and jeans ripped to shreds”.
Okay - so I’d never actually wear a cropped top - too much “muffin top”. But if I had the figure, I’d probably be making an complete azz of myself.
Yesterday after PT, she whipped up and fried a few salmon patties from the cans I asked her about in their pantry, knowing that's a favorite of his.
Ttoday she arrived at lunch, wasn't able to convince him to eat any lunch. Off they went to the Rehab site for dad to get in a visit with K. Once back at the house "what to fix in the way of a meal?".
She made him vegetable soup and a grilled cheese sandwich, perfectly content with that.
MOW fare won't be nearly as appetizing.
Even my dh - who is pretty unobservant when it comes to others around him when he’s out and about - has noticed and commented on the phenomenon.
Today was yet another atty meeting with regard to MIL. There .. purpose ... begin process to set up pooled trust account.
But numerous topics covered while there.
One of which, .. the kerfuffle of late seems to be MIL's displeasure with the present setting, Purgatory. With all that's been on my agenda, I think I've gone to see MIL at Purgatory maybe 2 x' ..
But others .. DH and his sister, routine visitors there. The feedback from MIL seems to be a whole lot of "now how long do I have to stay here? Surely you guys are finding somewhere better for me to end up? I can't believe this kinda place is gonna be where I spend my last days on earth".
The above and more, as to distaste with the whole setting. Couple that with the following that goes on, SIL there on scene yesterday to try to dial down on (may have no luck, time will tell).
MIL dissatisfied with the responsiveness of staff when the nurse button gets deployed (yes, who even knows if she is accurately utilizing nurse button). The place prides itself in claiming to have a response time of 3 to 5 mins . .which I think is pretty damn good .. but I'm not there all the time, to verify if their stake to that claim actually plays out as they say.
But the following thing kinda goes on (and I think, it's kinda par for the course in these settings .. maybe that hasn't dawned on the others' in all this). The staff that pass out the food trays (there is no dietary staff per se) .. are the same CNA's that do the assisting with changing clothes, getting a cup of water, .. helping with toileting, etc.
So .. they come around at dinner time, to pass out food trays. In comes CNA with a food tray to deliver to MIL (no she hasn't yet shown any propensity to be carted to the dining room for same, may never, who knows).... and now the CNA is informed by MIL, "oh while you're here, I need to go to the bathroom".
This has happened, and I guess . .. a couple of times CNA has obliged. Last time however, . the CNA on duty .. the answer went about like this: "okay we'll send someone around once we finish dispensing food trays out .. I can't .. we can't do the cross contamination of dealing with toileting, all while passing out food trays".
MIL was denied toileting help.
MIL complains that . routinely there, she calls .. they don't come fast enough (soiled clothing results, bedding).
Yesterday SIL on site, to sort this all thru with the powers-that-be. Had the case manager or something in attendance, DON .. etc. And the above issues being presented. Case/Floor Manager states again .. they pride themselves in response times of 3 to 5 mins .. generally speaking. MIL responds ... "sometimes .. I don't have 3 to 5 mins to wait .. it's coming .. I can't stop it .. ".
Responses to that .. seems like SIL tried the angle of getting MIL to be more proactive .. (I think she's asking someone with too impaired judgement to follow through on something they're not capable of .. but not my wagon to pull) .. SIL to MIL: "You're gonna need to be mindful mother that as of about 5 or so . they're busy putting out food trays . so you need to look at your clock, you see it's approaching 4:30 .. or thereabout, call for bathroom assistance at that point . get that out of the way before the dinner tray dispensing is taking place.
HA! I think that's a fat chance there can be any clock awareness on MIL's part.
MIL complaining that she needs to brush her teeth (she does still have her original teeth) .. and she likes to brush her teeth after every meal .. and so .. let's say after lunch time . now she wants to brush her teeth. She can't get to the bathroom on her own .. needs help with that. No one comes ..... so she says.
Thus she has the discomfort of sitting with teeth with food in them, so she claims .. and no way to brush her teeth.
These kinds of things go on
I suggested . .at SIL telling that tale of woe .. "can't you just get it set up that in the AM when they drop off her food tray . that she be given a little spittoon .. and maybe a cup of water and a toothbrush right there, bedside, .. and after each meal, . . she can utilize those items and brush her teeth right there in her bed, or in her wheelchair ..
I don't know the result of that suggestion .. I just threw it out there . whether that gets looked into, out of my scope.
So the above is ongoing .. along w/the broken record of complaint ... "now how long is it I have to stay in this place? I sure hope you guys are finding something better for when I get to leave here. The thought that I'd spend my last days on earth in a place like this". That kinda thing going on, like a broken record to those who visit her routinely.
As I said to DH last night on the above: "Ya know .. you were all sold, at one point in placing her ultimately .. in "We Are Family" ... the little small family run place . but part of her distaste with the whole setting there is the cognitive impairment present .. and view-able there .. that same cognitive impairment on display is gonna be at issue at "We are Family" .. unfortunately your mom is kinda in a gray area .. she just is .. she's not as cognitively impaired as some that are present .. she's every bit as physically impaired at present . unable to ambulate on her own at all .. maybe that will improve some .. we don't know .. won't know yet .. but at present her physical capabilities are about as compromised as some she has such distaste for viewing there .. and her mental faculties . .that's not gonna get better .. she is yes, . not as far gone as some of them there .. but she too has mental issues .. in that she has very poor judgement .. she has memory impairment .. and so she has some cognitive issues herself .. and ya know, there isn't an ala carte menu that exists anywhere out there ... you can't put her in a place that dictates .. "Well I need this kinda care .. but I don't want exposure to those who need *that* kinda* care .. it doesn't work that way .. I mean .. in AL .. she'd have to be far more capable than she is ............. mentally and physically .. so unless there is drastic improvement in her physical state but also in her mental state (and the latter isn't gonna happen) ....... she's NOT gonna be a candidate for AL anywhere . and that leaves her .. a candidate for the very setting she's in at present . cognitive dysfunctional on full display ... same as at "We Are Family" .. it's gonna be something she's exposed to . no two ways about it .. unless there is some miraculous improvement . and I don't see that happening .. so her fate forward . is more than likely gonna be this .. as she puts it . .. "I sure hope this isn't gonna be where I have to spend the rest of my days .. I sure hope you guys are finding something better than this". It's just not .. I mean if she had all the $ in the world, she could hire folks to come into her home to provide the care she needs .. and not have any exposure to that cognitive impairment she so loathes having to be on display there .. but she doesn't have loads of $ to do that .. so the choices are .. they're just gonna be limited .. her lamenting and whining about it all .. it's not likely gonna change . even if you guys move her out of Purgatory and into some other setting . for the most part .. though she's not as diminished as some who reside there . her care needs are greater than that of what you'd find in straight AL .. and so that's gonna be what she's surrounded by no matter where she goes".
Saying all that to DH last night.
So then fast forward to today's atty meeting and some of the above being discussed and her displeasure with that setting .. and at the feet (some of it) of the cognitive impairment on display .. and the atty's answer to that .. much the same words I imparted to DH. Hooray!
Maybe they'll listen .. coming from the atty who works in this very field .. (one can hope).
The attorney saying basically the same things .. one doesn't really get to be choosy .. and say .. well I want this .......... but I don't wanna have to see that. Doesn't work that way. As he put it, . there's a reason you guys are having to entertain the notion of placing her, . and that's because her care needs exceed what any of you can provide, you've tried it . and you can't do it .. and so you're having to go this route to provide her more care that she needs .. but in that setting are those who also need more care, . some more than she needs .. and she may get there too (SIL chiming in at that point, "I think that's part of her problem with it all, the stark reminder she too may end up slumped over like some she sees there") ..... but there just isn't an angle out there, .. unless you have the dollars to pay for it .. in your own home . that one can ala carte pick and choose what they want from the buffet of care . it doesn't work that way".
HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Same damn thing I'm trying to impart to both of them . but they both seem .. I dunno .. more deadset on their mom's happiness .. than any other factor .. this place doesn't make her *happy* .. thus we must keep at the forefront here, how to find that magic rainbow .. of a place where she can be *happy*.
It doesn't exist folks!
As SIL then put it in convo with the atty as we moved forward .. maybe as a means to impart to the atty that she hears him, her words: "Well in the end, she's not gonna be happy anywhere . she wasn't happy at my house . she wasn't even really happy in her own home .. she thinks she was . but she wasn't .. she as lonely and isolated and sick a good deal of the time .. and she wasn't happy at my home . .. the only place she can be *happiest* is in her own home with me caring for her f/t .. and I can't do it ..and even that .... doesn't make her *happy* because she sees the burden that places on me .. and that makes her *unhappy* .. so .. she's not gonna be happy ... it's just a matter of finding what it is that will make her the least "unhappy".
I hear SIL say all that and I just wanna chime in (but not the place and time for it, those atty's are expensive for us to be sitting and haggling thru all this) .. I wanted to chime in .. "NO . what you're going to have to do .. is come to the realization that you've found the place that is most suitable as to meeting her needs . nothing is ever gonna be 100% ............ it doesn't exist .. not even in you . you've said you can't do it .. so what's gonna have to happen is that YOU and YOUR BROTHER are going to have to work on YOUR OWN MINDSETS .. not her's which can't be satisfied .. your own mindsets .. you've found the place most suitable . in that it's safe/clean/professional/competent .. and hopefully for the most part, .. caring/friendly staff ............ and get your own minds wrapped around that's the best it's gonna get ....... and leave it at that ............... that's what's gonna have to happen .. ".
Yes, that's gonna leave her displeased to have to be living among the slumped . yes that's gonna leave her displeased that they don't always come as quickly as she'd like .. but it's safe/clean/professional . and she's cared for .. that's the best it's gonna get, and learn to be okay with that.
But sometimes I think I'm the only one in all this that calls a spade a spade .. in seeing the reality as it is.
She is presently in a wheelchair and pushed around if needing to get to the bathroom or to PT .. or whatever. Uses the walker only in PT as they work to get her stronger .. and that ain't there .. by a long shot ...
She can't even yet .. on her own, without assistance .. get from her bed or chair and into a wheelchair . has to have assistance.
I've asked if they are working to strengthen her arms and the coordination it would take to use a wheelchair in case that's her plight going forward.
Answer given by SIL to that question: "Well it's really kinda tight quarters in there to be moving about in a wheelchair and if you have to turn the wheelchair to get aimed in another direction .. it's kinda tight quarters in that double room .. and so .. I don't know .. I don't guess the thought process is one that she may need to be remanded to the wheelchair going forward".
I didn't say it, but my thoughts .. b'chit .. tight quarters. Her room mate is confined to a wheelchair .. granted room mate isn't ever in the room .. opting instead to be out of her room daily .. all day long and into the evening . only wheeling herself back into and out of the room when needing to toilet (does so with her feet and arms .. on her own . .and gets herself onto the toilet .. and has to call for help once finished toileting). But the room mate does it .................. on her own .................
Your mom can too ................ if they'd work with her to build the coordination for same, . and the space awareness .. and the strengthening of her feet/legs to push along in a wheelchair .. and her arms ..
Whatever.
I think they SHOULD be working with her some on that premise . what's it gonna hurt to build her arm strength and build her coordination in ambulating in a wheelchair .. in case it goes that way in the end.
But .. again . not my wagon to pull . only mine to sit back and watch the frustration of those who wish to move heaven and earth and create magic unicorns and rainbows of happiness that can never exist.
I mentioned using her feet because a lot of people seem to be able to do better paddling along like the Flintstones rather than propelling with their arms, it's probably a lot more sanitary as well 😏. Focusing on that would give her some independence, at the very least she could wheel herself into the hall to flag down a CNA.
And I really think you - or maybe not you but someone - should work on your DH and SIL to get their mother down to the dining room at least occasionally, perhaps make it part of the routine that the two of them share a meal there.
she is probably at the best place she can be. Most all of the nursing homes I have been in are not that attentive. SIL and
DH are never going to make her happy. She just can’t deal with the fact that she’s old and frail. You would actually be
better off if she had a little less cognition so she would not be so upset with the “slumpers” SIL and DH need to let her
know that this is as good as it gets. Even for people that are
self paid at the fancy homes, there are still slumpers. It’s a
fact of life when you live to be 90. She should be thankful for at least being able to talk and enjoy her family. My dad was so demented at the end he could only repeat what you
said. No quality of life at all. He was that way for 2 1/2 yrs.
She really should be grateful for what she has but she’s not.
It could be so much worse. I know I lived it.
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. It is so hard for the children of parents who have not planned on getting old and have no funds to take care of them.🙏🙏🙏
I agree with others who say the long response time to the call button may be unavoidable. I saw it firsthand at two of my folks' ALs and one of their Rehabs. The AL CNA would rush in to see what the need was, turn off the call light, then explain she was helping another resident and would return as soon as she could. That allowed the AL facility to (technically) claim a 3-5 min average response time. But one CNA to 8-10 residents who require all kinds of help will often be insufficient to meet everyone's needs in a timely manner.
If MIL continues to be distressed, suggest she speak with a psychiatrist or a member of the clergy. Maybe a non-family member would have more luck helping her accept and adjust to her new living circumstances.
So MIL is 2 weeks in to her purgatory stay right? Has SIL and hubby made any progress finding her a “better” facility if one so exists? You guys remind of me of my husband’s side of the family so much even though our situation is a bit different. The plan has been since February that my FIL would go to a nursing home upon discharge. My SIL temporarily got the idea in her head that he would go to live with her. At the last meeting with the hospital, it was decided that he would be discharged to a nursing home, chemo would be stopped and he would go on hospice. Nobody wanted to be involved in his care, nobody was of any help to the social worker, no one wanted anything to do with it. And yet, as I mentioned on another thread, one the day he was transferred, as soon as my BIL and SIL got wind of it, my SIL tried to put the brakes on FILs transfer and he tried to say he never consented to going to a nursing home! SIL wanted everyone to go check the facility and approve it first and look at other facilities! If these were MY siblings, I would have went off on them! Because he did consent to this, he did not want to go to SILs house and they had 2 months to tour facilities and they chose not to! He’s on Medi-cal so he is limited to where he can go and as soon as the SW found a place with a Medi-cal bed, she snapped it up for him. And I don’t know why he balked when it was time to be transferred. He knew he was going to a nursing home as soon as the hospital found him a bed! I am just glad I get to be in the background and not have to actually deal with these people LOL! Unlike your SIL and husband, there’s no denial and no trouble coming to terms with the situation. It’s all a bunch of laziness! I am glad they aren’t my siblings to be honest. I can’t tolerate the lack of communication and laziness. I just can’t believe they wanted nothing to do with this until it was time for him to move to the nursing home!
Reading this reminds me so much of my mom. It was much the same way. She would get paranoid and afraid and got to the point of not being able to live alone any longer because of her cognitive issues and not being able to manage her meds. My narc sis moved in with her and needless to say, that was a total train wreck. Moved her in with us and did the best I could, but I got so worn down I was on the verge of having a breakdown. Mom was not 'happy' here either because nothing could fix her broken mind. Same when we moved her to the facility, sadly. It was a nice place, but she didn't have the propensity for being able to enjoy it or get out and socialize much, just at the very beginning she attended a few activities, but still isolated herself in her room for the most part. I really wish they too would have at least made her go down to the dining room once a day rather than bringing meals to her room. I think it would have been good for her.
It sounds like SIL "gets it" a lot more than before. Now she and DH just need to realize that their mom just isn't going to be happy because she is fighting the fact that she is 90 years old instead of 40 - it's not about the place, it's wishing she didn't have to get old. Do they have counselors there? It would probably help her to have one she can talk to like she did at the rehab.
Might be time for DH and SIL to man up and actually confront MIL when she starts with the moaning, and answer with things like, "MIL, we are doing the very best we can for you, and devoting a huge amount of time to all this. But you're right - this is probably as good as it can get. These places are all pretty much the same and we are out of ideas. So, yes, you are going to have to get used to living like this it seems. Just know we are here for you, we love you, and no, there is nothing more we can do. Any ideas how you can make it more tolerable for yourself?"
In other words, continuously put it back on MIL to please herself, and never take it upon themselves to try to make her happy again, cause it is mission impossible. Heck - how many of us have people bending over backwards to please us? How the heck does that pleasing dynamics ever happen in the first place? Long past time to end it, though.
And on the other front .. with my dad.
Try to make a long story short .. just know that my dad asked of me, .. in talking to my brother (lives about 1 1/2 hours south of here) .. his request .. if I could .. put it gingerly and tread lightly .. and dance around, .. and so forth .. without coming right out to say it ..... wouldn't hurt his feelings for anything .. but as dad would put it .. at least in talking to me ............. "Damnit .. I wish he'd come and leave that wife of his at home .. but that's not gonna happen ... so ... if you could Dorker .. when you talk to him . just kinda dance around it a bit and don't come right out and say it, . but maybe just hang it on .. how excitable and agitated K can get (and she can) .. and that throngs of folks in her midst .. seem to create that kinda state in her (and it does) .. he doesn't have to know it that at the crux of it all (and I know all this) .. is the fact that N.O.B.O.D.Y. likes his wife .. most especially K .. and so .. having her around ... especially when she tries to weigh in to run things .. isn't gonna go well ... and you know your stepmom and your brother, like oil and water .. mostly that rests at K's feet and whatever her reasoning is .. stupid .. but it is what it is .. the two just aren't ever gonna see eye to eye".
Stepmom has had little use for my younger brother. He was always the miscreant .. even in his youth .. and well into adulthood. I don't know ... taking up far too much energy/emotion on my dad's part .. dealing with him. This is a brother who in his adulthood . lost his professional career, his home, his marriage, his kids, .. everything, to drug addiction.
But it wasn't just adulthood that brought that path ... he'd been on that path even in his youth .. with various falling off the rails scenarios.
My guess it would take a special step parent able to overlook it all and treat it al with loving kindness. Myself .. I was always the do-good .. the stay under the radar, don't create waves, certainly no miscreant of any sort. Thus, the relationship I have with stepmom not as fraught with any "emotion".
So, .. brother did finally turn his life around .. and leave the path of crime and debauchery .. and has remarried .. and his kids are grown .. (likely somewhat damaged from the fallout of years of miscreant behavior on the part of their bio mom .. now brother's ex wife . and their dad) ..
Brother is married now to his 2nd wife .. one that no one really cares for. She is someone who, .. I don't know .. she seems to have a need to "control" everyone .. and that works for him in his marriage . apparently that's something he finds palatable .. and that's fine, his life. But she also tries to control others in the periphery, me .. my siblings . and their spouses .. as to get togethers .. my dad and his wife .. there in those realms . that falls pretty flat. So as a result, . no one really cares for his wife ..
With that in mind ... brother is coming this weekend .. to visit dad and the situation here .. and with wife ...
As my dad put it, talking to me, "I wish to h377 he'd come and visit and leave that wife of his at home, but that's not gonna happen". He's right, it's not going to happen.
A good for instance, the other day .. my brother reaching out to my dad . which .. absent some malady on their parts on this end .. they really don't hear all that much from the brother ...
My brother imparting to dad that they'd like to come up this weekend for the day, to visit .. and that his wife, L .. is gonna fix up some foods for him to put in the fridge/freezer.
My dad responding to that offer: "Son that's awfully kind of you guys, . to be honest at this point .. I can't even tell you where I'll be .. I can't .. not right now .. even go visit K myself, .. have been too sick .. we'll have to see how I feel later
"Bro, K is in really delicate mental and physical shape right now. And you know how your dw and she are....I think it might be best if either DW didn't come this time, or if she does come, doesn't visit with K in the hospital. "
We'll have to see how I'm feeling later in the week, . .and I hate for you guys to go to all that trouble to bring foods up here .. to be quite honest about it, .. I really .. I don't 'feel good .. and I've never been one to have much appetite anyway . and that sure is at play at this point .. I just don't have any real appetite .. "
This was met with my brother's response to my dad, so I'm told, .. a quite terse one in fact, of: "Well L already started cooking on it all!".
I guess the inference there, .. we're not going to hurt her feelings and/or off put her and her efforts here .. she's bringing food.
I know, .. just because I'm around dad .. and part of the scene there .. on site .. he truly doesn't have much appetite .. he is hiring someone to come in daily now . and that someone will be . tasked with .. fixing him something to eat .. sometimes it'll be something simple .. which satisfies his pretty simple tastes and lack of appetite other times, maybe something a little more time consuming . but foods .. fridge/freezer . not anything really on his radar .. especially at a time like right now, when his own maladies .. and his own fatigue level . and trying to placate a brother's visit w/his wife in tow .. is almost more than dad would wish to muster any energy to entertain.
You'd have to be a fly on the wall to see what it is .. as to the wife to my brother and that which is found to be kinda off putting in her. She tries .. she does .. (wife of about 5 years now) . but her efforts .. a lot of times, .. are in a controlling manner, . as in .. "i'll do it my way and if it doesn't seem to be anything you're interested in . too bad .. it's gonna be my way" .. be that get togethers that are planned .. be that phone calls back and forth as to the goings on .. be that .. the ailments that go on . on this end .. and reporting in on same .. etc .. kinda complicated.
It's neither here nor there, . as they live 1 1/2 hours south of here and so having to be in their midst . isn't even all that routine . and it's his life .. his marriage .. it obviously works for him .. that's all grand.
But in the end .. no one really cares for his wife all that much .. and putting up w/her and her controlling ways .. at a time when maybe you don't feel all that well yourself . more than maybe ya wanna have to do . but you also wanna dance around and act with cautious step .. any action that might hurt brother's feelings . and his wife .. and so you placate and entertain the notion of them coming this way . when maybe you'd rather they don't.
Also add into the mix .. the fact that stepmom . who doesn't like the wife .. (I don't like her either) .. she also has a lot of disdain for the brother and all his life of miscreant ways. Yes, unfounded sort of .. and turn the page, get over it .. you married the man, this is his son . .move on. But it is what it is.
Add into that her easily agitated self .. a constant with her .. all thru the years . made worse in more recent times by her Dementia .. and her current health status ..
Just a mix there with the potential to stir up more emotion than anyone needs in all this, at present.
So w/all that in mind .. it had been said by my brother that perhaps if dad is up to a visit with his wife .. since he can't drive himself there, that when he and the wife come into town, .. perhaps they'd load him up and cart him there to see his wife. Dad knowing that will land with a thud with his too easily agitated wife but my poor beleaguered dad .. trying to placate all .. and not hurt his son's feelings or his son's wife . also not trying to agitate and further excite his wife .. trying to find a way to dance around all this as gingerly and on egg shells as possible, talking with me about it (his druthers would be that the son just stay home .. but aware the son wants to *help* in some way .. and so .. trying to placate that).
Dad and myself both .. coming up
There is no nice way to put this because it's the message itself that they won't like. They will think his wife isn't welcome and guess what, she isn't.
In due course your father might like to reflect that this disagreeable motormouth bossy-boots seems to have done his wayward son a power of good. But right now he has plenty on his plate without her feelings to worry about.
coming up with a plan of sorts .. one that doesn't come right out and say it, .. "Hey B (brother of mine) .. why don't you stay home and just forget coming this way .. you know as well as I do that stepmom doesn't like you .. yea yea it's her problem, but it is what it is .. she just don't like ya ............ and ya know what else .. none of us like your wife .. so why don't you just stay home .... your help here .. while it's kind of you . it comes with just too much baggage that nobody needs right now .. so just stay home".
That's not the thing to say to him. So we decided maybe the best approach would be to dance around it all by saying about like this to my brother, which I did do in text form (on purpose I texted it .. because ... precisely because .. one cannot talk to him when he's at work .. .and to call him at home ... he always always .. has you hold on so he can go grab his wife and make her a part of the conversation .. on speaker phone .. and ... part and parcel of that .. is always tamping her and her ideas and opinions down .. her not having been a lifetime member of all this dysfunction . she maybe doesn't keenly understand the sensibilities (some of them ridiculous) of each party .. and the reasons/basis for same .. and so she always wants to throw in her opinions . some of which would fly about like when pigs do .. and so you find yourself having to circle back to decades of reasoning . as to why that won't work .. and her opinion of why that won't work "well that's ridiculous, I'd just tell so and so .. blah blah blah .. I wouldn't be putting up with that" .. well .. you haven't been around this family for decades . to know that won't fly .. so .. it gets annoying trying to have a phone conversation with my brother and them having to tamp down her opinions and so forth . thus I purposely text him .. if he wishes to make her a part of the loop of the goings on . go for it ... have zero issue with that .. if he wishes to tamp down her enthusiasm and her opinions explaining the variations of each party in all this and why they are the way they are, . go for it .. I just don't care to. I've had far too many rubbed the wrong way by her conversations .. to care enough to string her along .. with all the various iterations .. thus I text him on purpose.
Btw, bears mention here that the brother . just this past week when all this erupted as to the stepmom and emergency bypass surgery .. and so forth .. the brother tried to light me up like a xmas tree for not having informed him .. and "kept him in the loop".
H377 I didn't know it myself til it was said and done! But I let it go .. go ahead and light me up . whatever .. doesn't matter .. in the end .. I didn't know any of it either . but his premise .. this past week when he tried to lash at me .. was that I am failing to keep him in the loop ..
So when this latest . them coming this way .. and with the premise they'll cart him to see his wife .. when that was the supposed plan coming up .. and trying to weigh out the sensibilities of each .. and at the urging of my dad to step gingerly on the topic ..
I texted about the following to brother who would've been at work at that point in the day: "Hear you guys are coming this way to see dad on Saturday .. I'm sure he's looking forward to your visit .. sure is a taxing time in their household, dad not up to speed at all himself .. and his wife also now down .. hey just as a matter of keeping in mind all the sensibilities and various maladies ongoing .. you know how excite-able K can get .. easily agitated . and it seems that too many people in her midst .. as she works to convalesce at present .. seems to bring some of that on .. may be best if you guys when you cart dad up to the Rehab to see her . maybe you guys stick your heads in for a short obligatory hello and well wishes and then if you guys leave the two of them be . to visit quietly . so as to tamp down
So as to tamp down any opportunity that she get overly agitated and excited .. oh and hey just as another thought . do with it what you will .. your call .. but so and so restaurant . you know as one of dad's favorites .. if he's up to it . and who can say .. may be more than he can attend to just for the Rehab visit to K .. but if he's up to it . that restaurant is gonna kinda be on your way to take him back home .. might wanna consider a stop there .. up to you guys".
That's basically the synopsis of what I texted to him.
Here was his response (quite smart azz and glib if you ask MO): "Since we are both in touch with dad and intelligent people I think we can best ascertain how to form our visits this weekend and in the future, thanks on the heads up on the restaurant".
That was his response to my efforts.
Sheesh! Thus I say all this to explain why I'd like to go find a cave and become a cave dweller .. just so much effing drama everywhere you turn these days! I'm over it.
Last night, went out to dinner with SIL and B . and I had two alcohol beverages .. (I'm not really a drinker .. I love other stuff not so good for ya .. salty foods, chocolate .. but drinking . just not something I do .. not really). I had two alcohol drinks .. and I don't know when the ship sailed, but obviously it has . at one time one could have a drink or two and maybe get giddy and a bit happy. It knocked me on my butt .. I came home and passed out on the sofa under a blanket .. just exhausted ... I guess a drink nowdays .. to me .. acts as a sleeping pill. Duly noted . begin drinking routinely .. (LOL).
Just ............. OMG.....................all the drama constantly ongoing. Between the DD who is struggling with tears still ... and not wanting to be in her home . so hanging out here some . with her kids ... because her dog is now absent her long time companion dog . and so the tears with that, at the ready ..
The drama with the MIL who ................... oh ................. it never ends, .. same damn broken record ..
The drama with the whole inner workings of it all with my dad's story ...
Just all of it ............................Calgon take me away!!!!!!!
Blimey, Dorker, you must be a world champion texter.
I think bro might better have confined his reply to "thanks for the heads up on the restaurant," to be honest.
The rest of it just meant "we are not morons and we don't want your advice, thanks all the same."
To be fair, he *was* quite polite. Bearing in mind how offended he probably was.
I shouldn't spend another second on hiding-to-nothing diplomatic missions for people who speak the language and are perfectly capable of expressing their own views should they feel the need. If your father has a problem with his DIL, that is, he can say so and not drag you into it.
Absent her presence in his life, .. one might presume he'd be adrift again .. and God knows into what .. which was always . .thru the years .. the case with him . in and out o f jail . a life upturned routinely.
There is merit in her .. in that she has somehow grounded him by her controlling ways .. and obviously .. he likes that, . .it works for him and his life .. and that's all fine and good. His life.
The problem comes when she tries to "control" the rest of us. Thus, the reason I kinda don't have a lot of use for her. She's my brother's wife .. I tolerate her when in her presence .. but I don't go out of my way to have lunch out with her, . or make plans of any sort to spend any time around her.
In fact, kinda the opposite .. I kinda go out of my way to not have to spend any time around her.
A good example (there are many). My dad is a lifetime smoker .. is 80 years old now. My brother was at one time a smoker himself. Motormouth bossy boots saw to it that nasty habit was dispensed with and quickly. She in fact, .. after they were married, .. saw in brother's dresser drawer .. a snuck in pack of cigs . and threw them out . and told my brother .. "you do that again, you can find somewhere else to live, I'm not dealing with a smoker".
Fine, great, splendid.
The problem comes when she then ... with my dad . who is a lifetime smoker .. (and no has no intention of quitting .. has cut way back to probably about 4 cigs a day) ... but I guess K at one point, bitching about my dad's smoking .. and in the presence of Motormouth Bossy Boots ........ and she said of that whole thing, "just take his cigs .. that's what I did .. just take them .. throw them away . tell him he can find somewhere else to live if he wants to continue with that habit".
She doesn't know . the inner dynamics of all these people and their inner workings. My dad is not one who needs to be lead around by a motormouth bossy boots and would tolerate that for about a nano second .. and like his wife of 50 plus years is suddenly going to take that as any viable approach .. just throw his cigs in the trash and threaten him with finding a new place to reside after all these years. Not at all any kinda "plan". Wouldn't work in their situation.
Works in my brother's situation because he has found in Motormouth Bossy Boots .. a roof over his head where he had none previously having lost everything .. a wife who has $ .. from a husband who died ... and my brother, I suspect ... maybe has reached a point in his life that creature comforts like not being homeless .. are more important to him than they were at one time .... and so he tows the line.
My dad . he has his own $ .. and someone threaten him with .. "find a new place to live" . he might just do it . and that's not at all what K would l want, even in spite of decades long cigarette use.
That's just one single lone example of Motormouth Bossy Boots in action ..
She doesn't know enough about the parties she's speaking of and how they arrived where they are at various points in their lives (her having not been part of the scene all these years) to just throw that out there as that's something that resolves it. It doesn't .. worked in her case .. for reasons that are outside of just the personalities involved.
I've had my own run ins with her .. thru the years .. as to her "controlling" ways . and have, as a result, just kept my distance.
She even chimed in as recent as the last week or so ... dad a lifetime smoker .. and now suffering the effects of this bronchitis . shortness of breath, etc .. and her suggestion, "Well Dorker if it were me, I'd go take
I'd go take his cigs and flush em down the toilet and refuse to go buy him anymore, for one thing".
Me: "you do that when you come this way .. see how that plays out .. I'm not doing it .... my opinion . he's smoked all his life . he's not gonna quit now .. has zero interest in quitting . and .. so be it ... ". No, I didn't go outside and swipe his pack of cigarettes and break them up and flush em down the toilet. But in all the time I spent with him over the last few days ..I saw him go outside, maybe a total of 3 x's to go have any cigarette at all.
I know another time she and I knocked heads a bit when I didn't get back to her on an issue in what she considered a timely enough manner, and she took exception to that . and I bristled at her for it.
She's just controlling and wants to be .. and that works for my brother . and it's his life .. obviously he's happy (or so he'd have everyone believe) ...
So control away .. just keep it in the confines of those who enjoy that .. I don't... nor does my other brother and his spouse .. they don't care for her either, for the very same reasons.
Other brother's wife works long hours .. and the plan had been that B (brother we're talking about with his motormouth bossy boots wife) would be vacationing in a rented condo . in SW FL where youngest brother and his wife live.
I guess the inference there would be they would be visiting the area . and so .. SIL (youngest brother's wife) would then make it a point to set aside some time to spend with them while vacationing there in SW FL.
As it turned out ... Brother and Bossy Motormouth wife only had the one night available .. as to any get together, as they were also making plans with others while vacationing in the area .. in a rented condo on the beach. They only had the one night available for youngest brother and his wife to come visit .. (nobody told anyone any of this) ..
But in the end, when youngest brother's wife begged off any get together on that one specific night, . .having worked a long hard day .. and didn't go there .. motormouth bossy boots took exception with that .. and made it a problem that "well we only had the one night we were available and they couldn't make the time to come the 45 mins to come see us . so whatever" (said with glib smart azz tone).
Youngest brothers' wife is more of a "kiss it where the sun don't shine lady" sort, and that was about how it fell.
The more gracious approach might've been for Motormouth Bossy Boots to have some understanding as to the long stressful hours that SIL works . and maybe just be kind enough to say .. "Sorry we won't catch up with ya this time, maybe next time, try not to work so hard, miss you guys". And leave it at that.
She just runs afoul of every member of the family trying to be too bossy. Thus, no one really goes out of their way to spend any time around her ...
All that to say, I feel your pain and understand wanting to placate and avoid the drama...it's frustrating when overbearing relatives don't want to take 'no' for an answer, and with no consideration for others' schedules or circumstances. I agree with what CM said as far as maybe telling your dad that you don't feel comfortable getting in the middle where him, your brother, stepmom and wife are concerned, and suggest that your dad himself just tell him it's not a good time for visitors for stepmom, but that maybe he and son and wife can have a nice visit otherwise.