I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
"Why don't you guys just stay home and visit and enjoy one another, and don't worry about coming here to see me".
I thought that a splendid idea, and said as much to my dad.
Me; dad .. you know that K doesn't give a rat's rip about seeing your son .. she really has had no use for him thru the years and all his miscreant ways .. but not only that . she cares even less for that wife of his .. so ... if my brother wants to call himself coming here to make a showing and/or somehow be useful in all this mess .. why don't you do that, .. just stay home and enjoy their visit yourself .. and keep K out of it all.
Dad: "Well, your brother wants to feel useful .. and be put to work in all this somehow .. it makes him feel better .. so I guess .. in the interest of helping him to feel a part of things and feel like he's being useful .. I'll just let him .. placate him and let him cart me there to see K.
I didn't argue the point any further .. not my wagon to pull.
What I did do was .. as he and I devised .. kinda skirt around it all . with my brother, in text form . .and dance a tune that didn't really lay it on the line (nobody wants/needs you here, .. OR more to the point, bossy boots wifey).
Tried to put it as gingerly .. and really wasn't any of untrue .. in that .. K does get easily agitated . that's nothing new though. She is made worse in her current state as far as agitates easily ... and .. convalescing currently from bypass surgery . having a whole throng of folks around .. is unsettling to her .. particularly when those said folks .. aren't anyone she particularly cares for spending time around on even her best of days.
I was *TRYING* .. as best I knew how .. to help my dad who isn't up for the drama and dealing with people's feelings and is doing about the best he can to just "maintain" as to his own maladies at present and anxiety level as to his wife and her concerns .. he just isn't up to it.
It has really rubbed me raw that my brother responded in the tone he did .. basically telling me to eff off .. in short.
I'm kinda the one on site here, in the trenches . knows the inner workings of how each party is faring in their maladies .. and weathering it .. I'm kinda seeing it .. you don't dear brother .. living 1 1/2 hours south of here .. that's me.
What I said to him is the truth .. the fact that K gets unsettled and agitated with a bunch of hullabaloo ongoing .. she does .. she isn't well. My dad .. also .. isn't well. That is the truth .. there is no lie in any of that.
What wasn't said was .. "you guys trying to come this way and with your bossy boots wife .. and her opinions . .that nobody really cares for . is only going to upset the damn apple cart further ... so just don't bother".
I guess maybe I'm carrying some baggage from the other day . that which I thought I'd let slide and let it go . maybe I haven't ....
When I passed along word to him . the other day . as to K and the fact she'd just undergone emergency bypass surgery .. and that I'd been aware (but hadn't sent up in any flares on same in the days prior) that she'd been having some chest pains and it was under investigation.
I guess my failure to have sent that info out and loop him in . he took exception to . and called me on the carpet about it ..
His words at that time: "What do I have to do here to get in the loop .. am I the red headed stepchild down here .. I mean ... you know . you live there .. you know that K is suffering some chest pains .. and dad isn't up to speed .. and they're investigating it all . you know this and it doesn't get shared with me on this end .. what am I the red headed stepchild".
Sorry not sorry for MIL who continues to be a PITA. Was there ever a test done on her as to her cognitive skills? I mean, she 'gets' that using the nurse call button would bring forth some kind of aide, right? Does she realize that nobody is just hanging around the station WAITING on HRH? Does she 'get' that someone who is dispensing food trays cannot stop for 10 minutes to help her on to the toilet? Can she not realize the cross contamination that occurs?
Some times she seems fairly 'with it' and other times, she seems totally out of the picture, mentally.
As long as she refuses PT and refuses to make any efforts to get up, dressed and down to the commons area for at least a 'showing'...they are going to label her as 'high maintenance'. A bed may come available and she won't get it because she isn't capable of doing her ADLS and she'll remain forever in a high care facility. She needs far more care than, say her roomie. Chatty Cathy sounds like a kick in the pants. And she has about the same situation as MIL's. Does she get visitors or is she, for all intents, all alone in the world?
MIL's repetition of 'woe is me' is utterly draining. People who use and use and sit on thrones and deign to show gratitude to the great unwashed make me grind my teeth. MIL ain't that special.
I also find it interesting that Poochy who was once her life...is not even mentioned at all. I assume she is now so enthralled in wanting to get her own way, the dog has fallen by the wayside. Sadly, Narcissism is one of those mental illnesses that is baffling.
I know I have said this before, but it bears repeating: NOBODY has so much vested interest in MY personal happiness. I am responsible for my own happiness or lack thereof. DH can certainly affect my 'external' happiness, but he doesn't control it. I have terrible 'help me' skills. I can't think of one person who would be willing to put their life on the back burner for me if I got like MIA. Not one single soul.
Not to say I'm not loved, I am , very much so. I just don't have people whom I've groomed to be my 'people' and my 'minions'.
I bet not many of us do.
Example: I, my dh, my two brothers, their wives and their adult children- three boys between them - were doing a power clean out of my parents house in order for ME to start and oversee the minor repairs and cosmetic fluff needed to get it up for sale. My dh overhears Bossy SIL say to my other SIL “I don’t know why we’re all busting our azzes doing this - Rain is gonna get all the
money from the sale”. Ummm... huh? News to me.
But thats her.
Two days before my father had his health crisis- he was already sick - he let sil have it with both barrels when she showed up at the house - invited by my mother who was manipulating a gaslighting of my dad - and my dad asked sil to stop trying to take over and ride roughshod over him. When sil just kept it up - daddy blew up.
On the plus side- SIL was so offended she stepped off pretty much anything to do with my parents for the next six years - until their deaths. Sil would occasionally accompany my brother on his visits - but that was it.
It definitely was a blessing - but achieve the hard way.
"what is it I have to do to get in the loop here, you live there .. something is going on in my dad's world and I don't know a thing about it".
My response to him at the time: "to be honest with you .. they've gone to the doc, . found nothing wrong in an EKG . she's slated for further testing . a heart cath . that's on the radar to be done . that was the extent of any knowledge I had at the time B (my brother) .. and I figured .. if I thought much at all about it, and I don't guess I did really ... I figured, . the docs dont' seem real alarmed .. sending her on home .. so I won't be alarmed either".
((((the truth of the matter is ..... I don't call him .. to even call him .. just to talk about the weather or any other mundane anything . you get this "oh wait, hold on . hang on a second .. let me get bossy boots on the phone here .. so she can hear". H377 I may be calling him to discuss the price of peas and carrots .. nothing important . but I learned long ago . in trying to call him . somehow on his end . of his own doing .. wanting her a part of things (?) .. or her doing . insisting she be made a part of things (?) .. I dunno . don't care ... that's their business .. but I find it annoying that any conversation with him . no matter how mundane .. has to be met with .. before you've even gotten a greeting out of your mouth .. "oh hold on . hang on a second . let me get bossy boots on the phone here so she can be a part of it" .............. is annoying.
There is never a single solitary thing said to him that I care if she hears .. that's the truth ...
He can relay anything I say to her . .at will .. and I'm fine with it ............
But to have to "hang on, hold on" .. while he goes and retrieves bossy boots to make her a part of whatever the price of peas and carrots are .. or any other important or not important dialogue just annoys me.
I know back when dad was hospitalized and stepsister more on the scene there, staying to help out .. stepsister and myself somewhat in communication via text as to the goings on . .. on dad's end .. and of course, I'd relay any pertinent info to my brother .. via phone call .. and get the whole "hang on/hold on" .. while he'd go to retrieve bossy boots .. I finally resorted to just texting him ............ and even in that forum he asked .. "can I get in the loop of texts between you and stepsister . think she'd loop me in?". Told him I'd ask her, . she did so . next time, she sent a group message .. to me and my brother both .. and beyond that .. brother then asked if stepsister would mind looping in bossy boots also.
Fine and good I guess .. if you're dealing with someone gracious and has some coothe about not controlling dictating/mandating the way things should go . or the way they see it . being someone who hasn't been on scene for the decades this has all played out making each party who they are in it .. but she has only been on the scene like 5 years .. and tries to interject her opinions . unsolicited and you find yourself back tracking over decades of history and why's/how's .. of who is who in this and why .. and it gets old.
So .. the other day when I guess he tried to light me up like a xmas tree for my failure to reach out and loop him in on the fact stepmom had been suffering chest pains and it's under investigation (hes' right, I didn't reach out and share that info) ... I guess .. maybe I thought I let it go .. when he kinda semi blasted me .. but maybe not . considering yesterday's smart azz glib remark at my having tried to lay a template of sorts as to this weekend's upcoming visit.
DD said I should've taken that opportunity to blast him .. "ya know better yet . since you are in touch with dad so you say . then no need for me to *loop you in* any further, .. have a great day .. ".
I didn't.
I responded to his smart azz glib remark, "sounds great" my way of saying, go bark up some other tree. Not interested.
FYI, my sisters and I have a private Facebook group on which we talk about our 92-year-old mother, who is in AL. The middle sister is the one who deals with her since she's close by; I live several states away and my youngest sister is 2 hours away. Anyway, this has worked out very well for us to all be in the loop. Highly recommend this.
When he tried blasting me .. as to the whole "what have I gotta do to get in the loop here .. you live there . you know the goings on .. I don't live there .. what am I the red headed stepchild here ...".
My response to that: "When's the last time you talked to dad?".
He was so busy off on his tirade at that moment, he did answer . "it's been a while . but I didn't know there was anything in the offing on that end".
I didn't bother but I guess the next logical thing out of my mouth should've been .. "well .. ya know . it's not incumbent upon me to be the mouthpiece to all things your dad and his wife .. pick up the damn phone and stay in touch!".
Wish I had said that now, after the fact.
I only told him that I would do what I can to keep him informed as I know .. but that my preference is texting (and it is) .. as I don't have time to chase someone down on the phone .. and the only time he is ever available via phone is at night, evening hours .. at home with bossy boots who he has to then go get to make a part of things.
I happen to know he loathes texting and wishes it had never been invented .. but I don't care .. not my problem, that's how I prefer to communicate . works better for me .. so .. that's what I'll do . and have done ..
I haven't sent any update via text or other today as there is nothing to report, .. seems at the moment there is a lid on things . and so .. be that as it may ..
I think they truly do, there at Purgatory (much like about any place) try to do their best to respond . .but are probably understaffed/underfunded to do so, etc.
It's just gonna be that way ..
I know the latest is that she is plagued again with chitapalooza as of yesterday afternoon and has had several "incidents", ...
But short of someone being right there with a bedside commode, .. and being able to swiftly lift her and place her on said bedside commode, .. it's gonna fly ... the chitapalooza .. there's no stopping it. So that is once again at issue with her, . as is quite common with her.
SIL too, it sounds like, aware that the place is doing the best they can . .as to responsiveness ... and to her, to SIL . it's a matter of working out some of the kinks as to what MIL prefers as to any kinda routine (though routine is out the window when it comes to chitapalooza occurrences) ..
SIL citing that she was leaving MIL yesterday afternoon and MIL's words: "Go ahead and close the blinds .. God knows when I'll ever get somebody in here to do that".
SIL: "It's still daytime, you want em closed this early?".
MIL: "Yea .. well no . but it'll be well into the night . if even then before I see anyone to help".
SIL: "Tell ya what mom . why don't you just mark it to remember, when they bring your dinner tray around .. have them step over here and close the blinds . just let that be a marker that you remember it .. ".
SIL telling me, "God knows if she remembers . probably not".
There is a care plan meeting Tuesday of next week, .. I told SIL of Barb's suggestion . .ask if they can set her up that every two hours ... she's carted to the bathroom . be that to brush her teeth, toileting .. etc . need it or not. She said we can ask about that.
SIL does seem to have some awareness around the fact her mom isn't gonna be happy unless someone finds a time machine to take her back to her more youthful viable days .. and that's not gonna happen. She does seem to be aware of that ..
But is she working to bring her mom to the awareness that this is as good as it's gonna get .. I don't think so, no.
I told her that's MO . of what should be occurring .. that and maybe they need to work with her on ambulating in her wheelchair on her own .. if they can get her to that point .. maybe she won't feel so needy . and can help herself a little better.
She says her mom feels (where she got the notion, I'm not sure) .. she can't call out for help .. (she needs a lot of help it seems) .. she feels there will be retribution in that . they will resent her .. and then be nasty to her. Thus, .. she doesn't wanna call for help. SIL trying to convince her mom that's what the folks are there for .. to help . and they don't know she needs help unless she asks.
I wish I could say that I spent today . not in my dad's need and drama or in SIL's (it surrounds me) and did something I absolutely wanted to do with my time and got away from it all. But not so . had to pay some bills and do some bookkeeping chores .. as to the biz .. and go pick up some paperwork from the accountant.
I just need to be a drinker . .and escape it all .. chocolate doesn't do it ..
Call from him this morning @4:30 AM struggling to breathe. Called 911, met him at ER.
Has now been admitted. In Afib, pneumonia but worse, CT of lungs ... 2 suspicious masses ... suspect malignancy.
Cardio consult and Pulmonary as well as biopsy on tap.
Guess as this means the dreaded visit and navigation thereof as to brother and bossy boots to K .. now off anyone's radar.
They are coming yes .. but will visit dad only.
That solves that dilemma.
You are in my thoughts.
For effs sake!
I say, next time Bossy Boots pipes in with something inappropriate- let ‘er rip, Dorker. It will probably do you a world of good to get what must be a vast amount of accumulated anger and frustration - from ALL of this elder chit - off your chest. And, maybe like my bossy sil - she’ll go away.
Okay. I don’t really mean it. Well... maybe a little bit. But if even the thought of doing that can give you even a moment of a smile - you surely need it. Deserve it.
I’m afraid this is how it’s gonna be for a while. One thing after another with one or more of the elderly loved ones in your life. Wouldn’t it be grand if they could pace themselves and not all fall to pieces at once?
But, here’s a classic example of how one - your father - can end up in crisis when they don’t take care of themselves in lieu of worrying, fretting and looking after someone else. Even with hiring help - post back surgery and with bronchitis, a man your fathers age needed to be at home taking it easy - focusing on his own recovery. But... fate, life, the crumbling cookie, destiny, God, the universe- whatever - had a different agenda.
It sucks.
But per exhibit “A” - now, more than ever - make sure you are looking out after YOU. Take care, Dorker!
When it rains, it pours, for sure.
For your dad, at his age--what are the options? What would he even be able to bear??
So glad you are now available to be there for YOUR family---and I imagine you won't be asking DH for a single thing as per your family's needs.
Well--I guess this is the time to split and conquer--DH takes over his family, you deal with yours. Right now yours is a flaming hotspot--his is a simple well contained campfire.
So sorry about your dad. You read about these couples who are so intertwined for many years and then one day, it seems, they suddenly fall apart 'together'.
Not much we can do but send prayers your way. You'll see it through this.
I can't help but wonder if dad would have called you of he hadn't been on your radar a lot lately. I'm glad you're there for him now!
Nothing like a little perspective on what is important right? A good lesson for MIL, in that her present situation isn't that bad and it doesn't rule your world, that there are others in far worse shape and that truly need your time and attention in a very real way, the fact that that she might have to wait 7 minutes for an Aide to answer her call button, not significant, Your parents care trumps hers at the moment. Hopefully she isn't so self absorbed that she has lost her ability to feel true caring and sympathy for others.
Don't forget to take care of you, and a nice glass of wine in the evening is a good way to unwind, eating healthy and staying hydrated helps too! Take care!
I know it's not a good time to think about this, but it's something you need to think about.
The NP from the Pulmonary group came by. Said . likely Monday . they'd be doing some test done sorta like an endoscopy and in that test they somehow biopsy those masses .. in the lungs and a pathologist on site .. (I got the sense some initial read is available from that pathologist). Said that it's concerning, as he also has swelling of the lymph nodes.
I guess the silver lining if there is any, .. is that he's so terribly sick .. not much of the above really rates any register with him.
If it were me they were saying that to, . in my present state .. it'd be "wait hold up . hang on .. back up ... SUSPICIOUS MASSES/BIOPSY .......... wait ............".
Not from him ..
The words gets spoken to him and it registers about a nod of the head in acknowledgement of what's said and that's about it .. he's on oxygen at present and breathing treatments periodically . and Heparin .. because of the Afib .. and trying to bring that in control.
Maybe I just don't know enough about such things but I found that mostly I was pretty calm . .collected ..
UNTIL ............................
I did notice on the monitor (and their concern) that his Afib . his heart rate was registering like 189/192 .. that's awfully high . and it was concerning .. and being noted and then they came with what I'm sure was a defibrillator ..
I was then a bit panicked, thinking he's going to go into cardiac arrest ..
But defib wasn't needed .. thankfully.
The heart rate has been wrangled better under control . but it was a balancing at of whatever it is they do there .. it was bringing that heart rate down, but the BP with it .. so whatever it is they do . was .. all about trying to balance all of that ..
I will be asking him some poignant questions about POA's .. and so forth.
And yes, I know now is not the time/place for it .. and maybe I'm just stressed/tired . but I find myself so frickin annnoyed with MIL and the incessant damn whining .. knock it the eff off already! You've had 9 damn years on this man .. that you got to enjoy! You aren't staring down the damn barrel of a possible cancer dx ......................... G.E.T. O.V.E.R. Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F.
Leave MIL the f out of things. She's a selfish, self involved narcissist. Yup. Let her go.
Just pay attention to your dear dad right now.
But it was thought .. since she has such a propensity to worry and fret . .and yes over things that she has zero control about, or people she barely knows .. best to leave her in the dark on it all.
No need for her to fret and get all wound up about it .. she barely knows my father .. and ... there is absolutely zero she can do about any of it.
I mean that you should put MIL and her issues out of your mind.
Your energy should only be aimed at your dad.
Not the thing to waste much energy/emotion on.
A little like comparing apples to oranges and expecting to get a banana
Not a useful/helpful way to gear one's emotions.
BUT.......................
Last night, .. maybe fatigue/stress, who knows ... I let it rip (or as bad as it gets with me, anyway .. as to letting it rip).
I'm never one to throw things and swear and scream like a banshee .. but frustrated, ... yes .. even mad as H377 ... I am.
Yesterday AM when the phone rang at 4:30 AM .. and I flew outta bed to head to the hospital after phoning 911 in my stupor of "what day is it" at that hour .. I began throwing on clothes, DH jumped up also and the same. He drove also, to the hospital (separate from me, my request .. as I knew I might be detained there and didn't want him to also be detained) ... it was his initiative that he also wanted to go .. I don't ask of him .. or force.
So off we both went .. and met the rescue personnel there with my dad.
DH stayed there for a couple of hours or so .. and then headed on to work. I stayed into the afternoon .. until brother and his bossy boots wife showed up about 2:30 PM.
I guess I'd thought (mistakenly) their visit might count for something. In the end, it turns out they stayed here for about an hour if that. From what I can gather, ... I wasn't there, I'd left when they arrived. Drove all this way for what amounted to about a 45 min or so visit . .and then departed to return home.
That kinda torqued me.
When you consider .. at this juncture .. FWIW ... dad really essentially has no one, but me ....
His wife is indisposed at present .. and her daughter .. w/her mental illness issues .. is feuding again with her mom and has exited the scene .. but even if she is on scene . her energies (understandable) are geared to her mom . not to my dad. Thus, she's not part of any picture.
So the only person my dad has, essentially is me. He is leaning on me, . as that role .. and .. voicing same .. saying things like "what a mess all this is Dorker, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to lean on", and other like kinda statements.
Thus it kinda torqued me when you consider my brother would seemingly like to bark up my tree .. as to the goings on, on this end .. and keeping him in the loop .. and I guess .. wrong assumption on my part, that he'd come all this way to call himself offering up some sorta visit .. when it equated to about 45 mins or so, in total. Nonetheless, it torqued me .. I was upset about it .. Fatigue .. compassion burnout .. whatever you wanna lay it at .. it torqued me.
But worse .. I had called him later, when he'd left .. to ask the followng:
"sounds like they might be trying to do that biopsy thing on Monday . not sure yet what time ... I guess they'll let us know .. any chance you can head back up this way .. to be a part of that .. in case it's bad news".
<my angle there .. I really don't want the sole responsibility of helping my dad to process that bad news, should it go that way .. and me also .. kinda falling apart, perhaps .. or maybe on the verge of same .. and all alone there. I know DH can't come .. I know DD wouldn't have anyone to leave her kids with .. thus she can't come, YD will be working, we know OD .. she is kinda aloof .. so it looks like .. alone I will be as his sole support .. thus reaching out to brother who so wants to bark up my damn tree about keeping him in the loop>
Thus I reached out to try to get him to come this way. I got a bunch of hooey about him having to work, not knowing what time it would be scheduled, it may put hardship on him as to departing his work, and he doesn't know what's on bossy boots radar for the day (I didn't ask you to bring her, but I know you two are attached at the damn hip .. what the h377 ever) .. but anyway I could see that I was getting nothing more than a bunch of him-hawing at any attempt to come this way, I dropped it
I didn't say anymore, said my g'byes on the phone .. and that was that. But yes, torqued.
So then .. when I was leaving the hospital .. I called DH as I needed to touch base with him on a few things, but also to bring him up to speed on the goings on, on the end with my dad and that story.
Found him to be visiting his mom.
<you have to understand, that to this day . anytime I find that he's gone to visit his mom . one knows that the wind will be sucked out of any air to breathe .. as he will now find himself having fallen .. right into the pitt with her .. the despair she laments constantly>
So having found that's where he was, when I left the hospital and called him .. I know .. that he is now going to also be accompanying his mother in the pits of despair that visits w/her bring upon him.
That too, torques me.
I guess I'm just on the page of .. "she's not gonna be happy .. I don't care if you put her in a palace with a servant for everything suiting her every whim .. and at the moment she wants it .. she's not gonna be happy .. so .. falling into any pit of despair that is her tale of woe .. turn the damn page.
I guess that's the page I'm on with that whole saga . but I'm alone in that triad of who is involved in all this. SIL .. while she realizes the same as above, she works to right the course . even still . thru whatever means possible and impossible .. to try to make her mom happy ... she doesn't fall into the pit of despair her brother does .. having more awareness as stated above . nothing is gonna make her mom happy .. DH though .. yes even to this day .. a visit by him to see his mom is going to, in him, bring about despair and sadness .. it just is what it is.
So . having found him .. on the phone .. visiting his mom . me now knowledgeable that when I do see him . it will be all about the woe with me tale of his mom .. it always is. Torqued me. Just does.
I realize folks, this is not at all a useful emotion and doesn't serve anyone. But I am human . .and I'm just disgusted .. I just am. I'm over it . your mom isn't gonna be happy .. at her age, . .she can't/won't turn the damn page .. but you can .. so do it. It doesn't happen.
So when he did come in .. I made the mistake I suppose of asking, .. "and how is your mom".
It was answered as it always is .. (shouldn't of asked) .. "oh with her, it's always the same thing .. "I've lost everything .. my dog, my home .. I have nothing left .. I don't know why I'm still here, is this as good as it's ever gonna get .. you guys are surely finding some place better for me than this .. ", .. on and on it goes, always the same things said .. and as DH put it .. "I don't have anything else to say to her that hasn't already been said at least a 1000 times on all of it .. I can't keep up the pep talks . there's no pep in any of this ..".
My response to him (I know a waste of breath and energy/emotion on my part, but I'm human) .. "maybe you need to work on changing your mindset about it then! She isn't gonna change, it's the same damn stupid broken effing record that gets played over and over . and for one I'm kinda over it .. her drama . this has gone on and on .. this time last year, . it was the whole "I won't survive this having to go to IL .. and be with SIL . this is gonna kill me, .. I shouldn't have to leave my home, my things .. I will never live thru this .. it's going to kill me to have to do this .. and from there it's moved to this other latest saga that never ends .. I've lost everything . I have nothing to live for ... and on it goes .. always .. I'm over all her drama .. I really really am"
<I realize . this is a waste of my time/energy/emotion .. no one is going to see it my way .. and so .. to expect otherwise is to set myself up for disappointment, I'e got that . but I'm human".
Went on with DH .. in conversation: "your mom unlike my dad has had 9 more damn years than my dad may get and IN HER
AND IN HER EFFING HOME with being propped up by all of us .. my dad may very well be staring down the damn barrel of a terminal cancer dx . and your mom wants to sing the blues she's lost everything .. I'm over it".
DH .. a look of deer caught in the headlights and some contemplation and a response of: "Well .. it's different . none of it good . not for either one . your dad or my mom ............. neither has a really great outlook in the end .. different though .. my mom .. she's having to adjust to a whole new way of life .. in a setting/facility .. and all that comes with that . and it's hard for her .. ".
Me: "yadda yadda .. and she may never .. so turn the page!".
Nothing more said on it all between he and I .. as it was apparent my emotions . even to me . would carry this to a place that is not productive at all, for either he nor myself .. he's not gonna see it my way .. and walk accordingly .. and I guess .. maybe make his own mind up that his mom's sad tale of woe that never ends, and may never end .. is gonna be on him to find a way to walk away from that which brings him too down with it. It just isn't gonna happen. Visiting her is gonna bring about in him, the sadness/despair that she so lays at his feet each and every time. It just is what it is.
I was just aggravated . .. really just kinda pizzed off . in general.
And then in a little while a text came from SIL who is aware of all that is ongoing with my father.
Her expressing how sorry she is about my dad .. asking how I'm doing ..
I didn't respond for a long time .. only because with my demeanor I have nothing pleasant to offer .. thus I ignored it for a long time, didn't respond at all.
I finally did and it went about like this:
"I am tired, stressed, .. and a lot pizzed off . that about sums it up".
She answered that with: "I'm sorry .. I know it must be hard to see your dad in this kinda shape .. ".
I answered further: "it is hard .. and it's seemingly all gonna be on me . to weather this as his right arm .. as best I can muster to do that .. I have a brother with a bossy boots wife .. who wants to call all the shots . and he wants to bark up my damn tree about not looping him in . and then when I ask that he come and be a part of that biopsy scene I get a bunch of him-haw from him . obviously he isn't interested .. and so whatever .. and stepsister . .she is flighty as h377 .. she's either helping or feuding with her mom at any given moment .... so thats where you see her energies .. she isn't present .. my dad has . seemingly . only me . and I don't even want the responsibility of helping him deal w/this . but looks like there are no other options. And then your brother and visits with your mom . need him to get a effing grip already .. your mom isn't gonna be happy . she's gonna be sad . so turn the damn effing page already .. I need him to get a damn grip .. and it doesn't seem to happen ... your mom up there in what is the best we could do as a facility .. after exhaustive search . and complaining and whining non stop . and she isn't staring down the damn barrel of a possible terminal cancer dx .. she's had 9 more years on my dad and in the comfort of her home with all of us propping her up .. I'm just a tad over it with it all, so yes .. I'm pizzed off".
<I realize .. dumping this on SIL who is .. wearing the strife of her mom's tales of woe . that never end . not productive . not a good use of my own energies/emotion .. I got it . I realize that .. but again, I'm human>
She answered that with a whole bunch of hooey that really only served to further pizz me off.
Went about like this as her response:
"In the end . I think it's a really hard adjustment for mom . she's kinda stuck in a wheelchair at this point . and unable to ambulate and at the mercy of folks there to help her, some who are nice . and some who aren't so nice . and whether they're available when she needs them . and sometimes
One thing at a time, eh? This is a good moment for you to look away from anything at all to do with MIL, including asking DH how the visit went. There is nothing you can hear from that quarter for good or ill that is going to help right now.
Have you got anything (not a person or animal) that you can go outside and kick, hit or punch? Getting rid of some tension is the only thing I can suggest until there's more clarity.
Sometimes that need rests right in the fact she's gonna crap all over herself as in most recent days .. and she can't get anyone in there to help her . or if she does . maybe it's one of them that's not as nice as some of the others . it's a huge adjustment .. and .. rooming with .. like chatty cathy . her roomie, who becomes hysterical crying because someone took her teddy bear .. all in all, I think it's a struggle for her to go from living alone all these years .. and to living in a facility with all the other quirks there . and different personalities and her at the mercy of others to help her".
It just only pizzed me off further to read that. I Just wanted to scream out, .. "What in the name of GOD did you all ever think was gonna be her fate if she keeps living .. did none of you EVER entertain any notion ever . that she may have to be facility placed and what that looks like .. ".
I didn't bother .. it's useless.
I only responded, "I'm tired/frustrated, going to bed, talk to ya tomorrow".
I realize .. I know it .. comparing MIL's struggles . to my dad's is a little like comparing an apple to an orange and expecting to get a banana out of it .. an enormous futility of a waste of time . and energy. I realize that.
I'm just frustrated and confounded beyond all measure at this point. I mean .. here we have her . who had 9 more damn years on my dad .. and in her own home . which reason would've allowed that most folks come to terms with the fact she wont' always be able to live there .. and maybe some ability to come to terms w/that .. and how it might look .. guess not. I realize . .it's not anyone's fault that her fate is "x, y and z" .. and my dad's fate is thus and so .. no one pulled a trigger as to "well we'll watch her do thus and so . and we'll watch him have to endure so and so . that's what we'll do". I understand all that.
I think my frustration and anger is coming from a place of .. this is an enormous responsibility that my dad . is kinda leaning on me with .. and not one I would've chosen to have to help him weather (nor I'm sure would SIL or DH have chosen to have to help their mom weather what she's weathering either) .. but .. I mean in me, it's kinda like .. gee let me muster some sympathy for your mom (NOT) who is going to continue to live it seems .. but woe . poor poor pitiful thing . with staff that are .. as best they can . helpful .. and foods brought to her, . the ability if she will .. to engage (she won't) and be a part of the world at large .. and adjust .. or let's look at my dad's path .. a possible terminal cancer dx with a wife who has been rendered at this point . his helpmate/right arm all his life .. pretty dispensed with as to her capabilities .. and her own maladies she's now weathering .. and he isn't gonna have the luxury of 9 more damn years in his home .. more than likely .. and at the whim of the servants of children who jump at the whim of his need/want .. get over her damn poor woe with me chit .. I am over it".
And then to find in a DH who comes home from visiting his mom ... himself now in the pits of despair it all brings . with her constant never ending tale of "I've lost everything . my home, my dog .. is this the best it's ever gonna get . you guys are surely trying to find somewhere better than this" ............. just turn the damn effing page already.
Just so frustrated. And now I'm off .. the only person that dad has at this point, to lean on .. to the hospital to visit him.
Don't get swallowed up in the bedside vigil thing. Visit your dad. Keep his spirits up. Bring him a treat. But let him rest and let the staff do their jobs.
Try not to dwell on the what ifs. My very wise MIL said to me once, when I was waiting for the potentially life changing results of a lab test on one of my kids...
"worrying about the result is useless. You have NO idea how you will react to the ACTUAL bad news if it occurs. Just let it go until you hear".
It was SUCH good, life changing advice for me. PREVIOUSLY, worrying had been a major activity in my life. I was able to redirect my energies, often, to the things I could control and change.
On a pragmatic note, your dad is a lifelong smoker, yes? He must realize that it came with risks. I also assume that his regular health care provider has had him screened each year for lung cancer--I know your dad is very private about these things, but it seems likely that whatever this is, it's been caught early.
As I said previously, ignore MIL for now. And maybe for a long time. Take care of you and of dad.