I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I cant swear to the validity - but my understanding of what I read is: The surviving spouse gets half and any children of the deceased, that are not also children of the surviving spouse- split the other half. Of course this excludes assets with a named beneficiary and accounts that are in both the deceased and the surviving spouses name - that are TOD and/or have rights of survivorship.
It sounds like worrying about an inheritance isn’t foremost on your radar, Dorker. AND, actually - I was looking this info up from a “what kind of cut will the state take” without a will as to gain info that might spur K and your dad into action in seeing an attorney to draw up wills before it’s too late.
Unfortunately, I did not find that specific piece of info.
However - even though money and inheritances might be way down your list of priorities - I can’t help but think of what an ungodly mess this
could turn into when considering your Bossy Boots SIL and a bipolar step-sister. Money - especially in the form of inheritances usually seems to bring out the worst in people.
Just another hellish situation cueing up on down the road for you, unfortunately. Maybe check into Costco or Sams Club to see if they carry Calgon in bulk...
On the MIL front, SIL had to stay last night and help her eat .. tremors so bad in her hands (unexplained) that she can't even hold a cup/fork, etc. Reported same, . and they will get doc to take a look at the issue. SIL had her Care Plan Meeting yesterday, absent my presence, or DH's .. and it has been a constant complaint as to MIL .. that they don't come when she needs toileting help (not fast enough anyway) .. and w/her .. I would debate that short of someone being able to teleport her to the toilet the instant the need hits .. it's not gonna suffice. I had encouraged SIL .. per Barb's suggestion, put her on a 2 hour rotation .. have someone take her to the toilet every 2 hours .. whether she needs it or not. Care Plan Meeting perfect place to offer that request, to see if it can be honored.
Me: SIL did you talk to them about that every 2 hour thing?
SIL: "I forgot ... I don't think they can do it anyway .. the people there, they are just running, literally, from room to room, to satisfy the needs of all the people there, they don't have time for that.
My thoughts -- well you coulda asked. But I didn't bother w/any further dialogue on it.
Also problematic in that MIL ... doesn't call for help .. until .. (who knows why her judgement is so impaired .. possible undx'd dementia .. or slight . who knows) .. she doesn't call for help .. almost until it's too late. If asked, .. "why won't you call them, you have to call them". Her answer to her daughter, "well they are all so busy, I hate to bother them". Or the other answer, .. "I don't want to make them mad and dislike me .. and some of them are kind and caring, some aren't . you never know which one you're gonna get". Or the other answer, .. "They might be asleep .. I don't want to wake them up" (this with regard to late night requests) ... and yes, explanation to her, .. "they aren't asleep .. there are shifts of people that come in at 11 PM . that's what they do, they work o'nites". Whatever. Doesn't want to complain that they don't come quick enough, as she feels there will be repercussions .. and so she doesn't complain to them, .. certainly does to her daughter and son . but not to them.
SIL says that topic discussed in the Care Plan Meeting .. and was said that MIL has to be made to be more assertive .. and more proactive in her own needs .. and .. made to understand and follow through.
In the end folks, as I said, .. unless someone can teleport her .. the moment a need strikes, it's not gonna suffice for her .. and she's just not gracious and self-aware enough to realize that this is as good as it's gonna get here. Complain all ya want .. but its just .. this is it .. like it or not.
I have backed way up from any/all things MIL at this point .. Haven't even been to see her, in probably 2 weeks .. or called her. I've been "kinda busy" .. but just not motivated to do so. I'm kinda over it with all the complaints.
But anyway .. I guess the other complaint that goes on . broken record style .. is her words: "Surely you guys are trying to find me some place more suitable for when this temporary stay here ends .. this can't be my last days on earth, spent in this place".
SIGH
SIGH
SIL visited two more places on Monday (absent me with her, which is new) .. and one of those was the site of the crime .. and also a Brookdale site .. and ... of those two places, .. SIL encountered much the same setting MIL so abhors .. the slumpers .. and .. pretty obvious to SIL .. in the lack of evident staff scurrying around .. those places also .. would be just about like where she is presently . not really anything evident in either of the two she viewed .. that would somehow measure as any upgrade.
As SIL put it, talking to me: "I don't know, I think I've exhausted every available option, at least to anything that's workable
Everything that works at least geographically .. and .. it's all .. it's all about the same".
Ya think?!?!??!!?
So glad I wasn't traversing around to these other two sites .. to go view what is .. about the same . no matter where you go. The latter two she visited maybe more pleasing as to the decor .. (would explain the lack of evidence of much staff scurrying about) .. the decor nicer .. the grounds nicer, . but the same slumpers abound .. (I don't know .. honestly . why the slumpers even matter damnit .. she doesn't leave the room to engage .. at all .. ever .. unless carted out in her wheelchair by SIL or DH . to the courtyard . .and/or carted out in her wheelchair, to PT .. she doesn't go out and about to even be exposed to the damn slumpers . but let's all get in a lather over her having to live among the slumpers).
The goal . it was stated .. in the Care Plan Meeting is to get her up and ambulating again on her rollator as she was prior to broken hip (it aint' there .. not yet . not by a long shot . oh in PT .. they do get her up and on a walker, but with two spotters .. and short distances).
I asked of SIL: "So .. that's the goal? What is the timetable for that goal? Is that what's going to be cited two years from now .. or do they at some point . throw in the towel with the realization .. that isn't going to be possible, let's work on her being able to ambulate in a wheel chair".
SIL: "See, .. I so wish you'd of been with me, you think of the good questions, I didn't even think to ask that".
SIGH
SIGH
MIL now whining to her daughter, who feels horrible about it, but also resigned to the fact, ..
MIL: "What am I gonna do, you leave here in a week or so .. what am I gonna do? You won't be here to come and check on me every day and help me".
(so weary of all the whining)
Me to SIL: "you're gonna have to remember SIL she was given the opportunity to stay in IL . and you could be a part of her world there .. as best you could . she did NOT DID NOT DID NOT .. want to stay there . refused that .. so be it .. and so you have to leave. In the end, it will be better for her, that you're gone . she's going to have to learn to be either more resigned to this sad plight and make the best of it, .. and/or learn to be more proactive in her own needs and ask for what she needs, you can't stay here to be her mouthpiece for her".
So that about sums up .. on the MIL front.
So then on my dad's front.
Just .. my gosh! Just .. oh my gosh! I don't know what to make of it . maybe nothing . but whatever.
Bears mention . the reason my bio parents divorced 100 years ago .. (I was a child of like 5 or 6 years old, so what did I know) .. the reason for the divorce, so it's always been said by my bio mom .. "he couldn't keep his pants zipped". Serial cheater, .. I don't know.
So .. last night I called my dad . just to check on him . it was about 9 PM. Went about like this, after checking that things are settled, smooth sailing:
Dad: "So .. listen ... I talked to a woman friend of mine from way back when . used to work with her years ago .. good friend of mine .. she may be coming by tomorrow to visit with me . .and I told her, .. if my daughter is here .. she will be discreet .. she won't repeat anything about your presence here .. So .. Dorker . just a good friend of mine from way back when .. but K doesn't need to hear mention of the name, wouldn't go well".
No, I didn't ask any questions. I changed the subject on purpose.
I find in the above, .. just some conflict .. to say the least. I don't have any particular allegiance to K .. and her sensibilities ... (that's a whole other story as to why there is no particular bond to speak of w/stepmom) .. but .. I do have a bit of an issue with someone who would find it suitable to think that I would be a confidante and imply that I would be 'ok' .. as to covering for some old flame .. if that's even what she is. I don't know.
If my father, or any other male relative or friend, or female relative or friend come to that, started verbally hopping around like a frog on a stove saying don't mention don't say you won't have to bring this up will you it's all fine etc etc etc
I would give him the eye basilisk. Any interpersonal communication problems he has on the subject of acceptable vs non acceptable friendships, he can include me out.
I don't know how you keep your sanity amidst this crew. SIL is a professional SW and can write down questions before a care meeting? I will say again that she 1. Needs a serious rest and 2. Needs a cognitive evaluation of her own.
Be well!
Maybe she is nothing more than a "friend" from years ago .. God knows my dad is old as dirt at this point, .. laying in a hospital bed with routine breathing tx's being brought to him, on oxygen . and weak .. old/tired .. weary.
But sure sounds to me a little more sinister than just an "old friend".
I can't think of any scenario at all, where my husband might say to one of his daughters .. "gee, there is this lady friend from years ago . coming to see me, but you'll be discreet . you won't tell your mom, right".
That wouldn't happen. It simply wouldn't. I know who DH knows and vice versa .. nor would he put his daughters in any precarious scenario of that sort.
I didn't address it with my dad .. and I likely won't. His marriage .. and trysts that may have gone on in years past .. out of my scope .. and I don't care to go there.
What I am going to do . is likely . just stay home today .. I have some phone work to do on his behalf . cancelling/rescheduling some doc appts . working an angle to get him into the rehab of choice .. if it's possible .. and I have some business stuff to attend to, . and if I don't get some laundry done . we'll be walking around in dirty clothes .. a first . in all these years.
In the end, I really don't care to have any exposure to that setting . if he's gonna have a visitor in an "old friend" then fine .. grand .. I'll just stay away today and take care of some me chores on this end .. and at least he has a visitor . and if it's a little more of a friend than I have ever known to exist .. then all the better I'm not even on site to have to wade thru that.
Sheesh! Soap opera ... a bad one at that.
And on a funnier note ...
Bossy boots.
Remember, I'd been out of sorts with my brother . sorta .. as I'd called him,, thinking that biopsy would take place on Monday .. to request he consider being there and got a bunch of hooey from him and dropped it.
Well, Monday when I was at the hospital with dad . in walks my brother and bossy boots. Who knew they were coming .. I sure didn't.. but here they came.
Drove up the 1 1/2 hours to visit.
As we know that biopsy not on Monday . but Thursday (tomorrow). And brother also now aware of that.. but here they came.
Now this is kinda funny .. only because I don't like her. I just don't.
So .. here's how that all went.
Bossy Boots; "Well when we were here the other day to visit .. I asked you if there's anything we can do for you .. and you mentioned that you like my chicken noodle soup . .and some of that would be nice .. and so I brought you some here today .. ".
<<Indeed my dad did make that remark .. and at that time, bossy boots had responded to my dad .. "ok, I'll bring you some when you're home from the hospital>>
Not sure why Bossy Boots thought "I know .. I'll make it now and cart it to the hospital". Not sure what her thinking was there .. I mean . in the end, folks who are in the hospital are being brought 3 trays of food daily . and so bringing them soup to the hospital bed .. I dunno.
I don't like her and I realize that some would say . some who don't carry the emotional baggage I do as to her ... "well she was just trying to be thoughtful and caring .. ". I can see that .. but I just think it was beyond stupid to bring a bowl of chicken noodle soup to someone being brought 3 trays of food daily.
But here's how it all played out.
My dad .. he had MRSA .. has been clear of same for about a year . but hospital settings . if you've ever had MRSA or whatever .. they gown up like you're a leper from the biblical days .. Precautions all on the door etc.
So in comes Bossy Boots with the chicken noodle soup she's carted here. And then the problem becomes how to warm it. So she takes a little stroll down to the nurses desk . announcing she's going to find someone to warm it for him.
I thought that was stupid .. "there's a cafeteria/lounge in every hospital . yes down
Yes, downstairs, .. and about a walk of a 1/2 mile down long corridors . but every hospital has a cafeteria .. and so .. usually there are microwaves there for the use of patrons who wish to do so. Go walk down there and heat it up . .why are you making this a problem for the over worked nurses to now have to warm up chicken noodle soup for someone who is being brought 3 trays of food daily .. whatever.
I just thought it was all beyond stupidity . but I didn't weigh in .. not my chicken noodle soup .. not my problem.
Bossy Boots saunters down to the nurse desk to ask that all important question on who/how to heat up the chicken noodle soup.
She comes back in short order, saying they're not sure they can assist . rolling her eyes in some disgust .. (see first and always with her, is sticking her nose up proverbial butt .. to try to ingratiate herself into the family .. and now .. the beloved chicken noodle soup having been brought to bear to achieve some of that .. presenting as a bit of an issue).
She comes back . and with a look of some disgust on her face, states that she'd been told it may not be possible, they'd check on it.
I did at that point say to her, "I'm sure the cafeteria downstairs has microwaves .. you can go down there and warm it up maybe".
To an answer from Bossy Boots: "Yea, .. why go to all that trouble .. I just thought maybe they'd have a staff microwave or something in their employee lounge .. didn't think it'd be any big deal" .. as she rolls her eyes in more disgust that this is all somehow any issue ..
In a little while here comes the nurse into the room, for separate reason . and so Bossy Boots asks .. "did you ever find out a way to heat this chicken noodle soup".
Nurse: "yea . we're not gonna be able to do it .. I talked to my DON . and .. because of the MRSA .. we can't touch it .. if you'd of brought it directly to us . first . and not into this room .. we might could've . but . it's been in this room, .. and so we can't touch it now".
(hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
<<<yes I see the absurdity of all that .. I do .. I mean the man has been clear of MRSA for quite some time . and so the chance this is now some contamination of a green haze of MRSA and infecting their staff microwave .. pretty negligible .. I see it for the absurdity it is .. but . protocol is what it is . it's just gonna be that way .. that's their protocol . you're not gonna change city hall>>>
This was met with more roll of the eyes by Bossy Boots and just a look of utter disgust.
After the nurse left, I again suggested, .. "that cafeteria downstairs . I'm sure you could go heat it up there .. there aren't any toxicologists there on standby to arrest you for having brought soup to the microwave . not that I know of".
Bossy Boots (roll of eyes): "I just can't believe how stupid all that is . just whatever"
No interest in marching down the cafeteria downstairs .. so whatever.
Ahh but then .. then she gets the brainstorm: "I know Dorker, . .when you leave today why don't you take the chicken noodle soup with you . and when you come back . bring it with you . and just bypass his room and go to the nurse desk with it, they won't know it has at one time sat in the room here .. just bring it back with you and ask them to heat it for you".
Me: "okay sure".
Thinking to myself .. *lady . I've got more than e damn enough on my plate and your stupid chicken noodle soup is the last of my concerns . but whatever".
So they finish their visit . say their g'byes and are on their way.
I'm still there .. as I'd been waiting for a visit .. and ran it up every flagpole I could find . that I wanna talk to the case manager . send her this way please.
And so I was still waiting for the case manager to come . but also knowing I have that photo appt at church and so time is ticking and I need to be leaving. But wait I did.
Finally case manager comes in .. and so we talk over valid points . and
I have form myself, before any thinks I'm being terribly pious. I didn't find out until five years after they married that First Love's wife was allergic to any mention of my name (I'd never met her, wouldn't have known her if she'd walked up and poked me in the eye). God knows why. I wasn't so much ancient history as palaeontology. I continued to email him and see him occasionally, until one particularly annoying contact that made me wake up and think - if you're that stressed about her finding out that you called me, there is a really simple answer. Don't call me. Haven't had any contact with him since.
And .. that takes up more ticking time clock . time I need to be existing to get home to shower and ready for appt at church. But talk to and hammer out points with case manager I did.
Finally case manager exits and I say my g'byes rushing out of the room, and thru the long corridors and halls of a huge hospital and out into the parking garage and wait for the elevator to take me to the 5th floor where my car is parked . and get in my car to now head home, in too much afternoon traffic . and then is when I realize . that damn chicken noodle soup.... it' still in dad's room .. damnit .. I forgot it.
No, I didn't go back to get it.
And no he doesn't have a fridge in his room which one can phone to nurse desk to ask them to handle the contamination of a possible MRSA laced bowl of chicken noodle soup.
What I did do was send a text to Bossy Boots apologizing for having forgot it ..
And she only answered .. not with niceties of .. knowing I have enough to manage at this point and her confounded chicken noodle soup should've been th least of my concerns. She only answered: "I'll call the nurse desk and ask them to throw it out, I made plenty .. I'll bring more the next time we come".
The whole thing just ... I know in years to come will be even funnier, .. but right now .. is even right now . funny just from the absurdity of the whole thing ..
I mean who brings chicken noodle soup to a hospital patient being brought 3 trays a day .. a tray of brownies maybe ... a slice of cake .. maybe .. a fruit basket .. maybe . but chicken noodle soup? And then make it staff's issue to figure out how to warm it for him .. and then have a problem with it . when it becomes evident they aren't going to assist .. even to the degree she won't walk her happy azz down to the lounge/cafeteria and just heat it herself . and by pass all the b'chit as to the contamination .. and then make it my problem . to make sure it makes it's way back to his hospital room. Sheesh! Just unreal!
Have you lost your mind?
F*CK the soup! What in heaven's name were you apologising for, why did you agree to flout legitimate infection control measures in the first place, and for the love of Mike hasn't the woman got a Thermos?
I’m glad you forgot the soup. Forgetting it saved you the effort of hunting down a trash can and dumping it on your way out. I bet the nurse got a kick out of throwing it away herself!
Im sure it was a little uncomfortable to hear about the planned visit from the “lady friend”. Yikes! Kinda sheds a little light on the whole Dad and K dynamic. Anyway... glad you are taking a day away from the hospital.
Yes, a thermos would've been a nice solve to the whole thing. If I'd of thought of it, I'd of blurted that out, "Gee a thermos would've solved all that nicely .. ".
Didn't think of it.
And .. flaunting hospitals and their regulations .. as to the possible contamination of MRSA having sat in it's container in a sack in the corner .. whatever. I doubt seriously the bowl, or me, .. or anyone else is somehow now going to start any epidemic of MRSA .. having been around this formerly infected MRSA patient.
It is what it is ... their protocol.
I just think (maybe because I simply DO NOT LIKE HER ................. I can't get to the whole piece of .. "well how thoughtful of her" .. I can't get there from here, .. simply because I dislike her, so .. probably anything she does .. would be viewed by me, with a side glance). I just think .. how absolutely stupid. Yes, indeed, when he's home from the hospital . as she indicated the other day .. indeed, thoughtful .. and do it .. for sure. But to the hospital with it? That's just beyond assinine if you ask me. Beyond assinine. And not only that, to then make it staff's issue . when there is damn sure microwaves in the cafeteria downstairs .. a hoof to get there for sure .. but .. there are ways to solve it .. if it's so all-fire important he consume this wonderful best ever since mankind has ever known .. chicken noodle soup.
And further confounding .. for Bossy Boots to have no insight at all, to the fact, that I've kinda got my plate full here .. as to all things I'm handling .. and her chicken noodle soup is gonna rate . oh maybe about 22,000 down on the list of priorities ..
Just all of it so .. so .. stupid!
It still sat, in it's bowl in it's sack in the corner, where I forgot it the day before, . was there when I arrived yesterday.
So as to not cause it to sit and rot . now not being refrigerated .. I did open it . and gasp and horror .. didn't gown up to do so . nor do I gown up to enter his room .. I dumped it, flushed it down the toilet .. and .. rinsed the bowl out and put it back in it's sack for them to retrieve some other day.
The irony is ... truly .. I did . honestly .. I forgot it . in the rush to exit . I was already running late . my life these days (absent this day that I am not rushing out to run to the hospital and the myriad of other things that have to be handled on the way there thank God for smart phones and traffic gridlock .. things that get handled in that setting .. ). I truly, honestly did forget .. until I was leaving the parking garage.
I wasn't about to now . running late, .. go find somewhere to park again, and hoof it all the way back to my dad's hospital room, to go retrieve that all important bowl of chicken noodle soup .. to now bring it home, refrigerate it . then put a marker of memory in my brain .. now grab that soup on your way out . and now take it directly to the nurse desk . .claiming it came from your kitchen . and hasn't been in that room where a formerly dx'd MRSA patient resides ..
I wasn't gonna go to all that damn trouble to begin with .. thought it was just stupid and absurd ..
But in truth .. I did, honestly .. forget it .. until I was exiting the parking garage.
It's been interesting through the years .. if one of the former spouses talks smack about the other .. even all these years later .. it's my bio mom .. hand down . about my bio dad. My dad .. I think in all these years .. has said maybe one thing about my mom .. if that. She is a non entity in his psyche of existence. Not so with my mother .. she has .. all thru the years .. if my dad's name comes up .. she has ZERO nice to say about him .. e.v.e.r. Even all these years later. And .. often referring to his inability to keep his pants zipped during their union.
They divorced when I was a little kid. My biggest concern in those days was likely where was my favorite baby doll. I wouldn't of known what their difficulties were, nor should I have known, at that age.
He remarried some 3 or 4 years later to what is and has been my stepmom, K.
Whether he was ever running around on her .. as he apparently did my mom .. has been absent my radar ..
Maybe this "lady" friend he refers to .. as going to possibly visit today .. maybe she's nothing more than a "friend" .. and maybe K and her propensity for histrionics .. maybe it is all just as benign as can be . but .. doesn't sound like it to me.
But in the end, .. I don't care to delve into and sort thru any of it. If he's had trysts through the years .. aplenty .. or . whatever .. is neither here nor there to me.
But I also don't care to be put in any position to have to sit and make small talk with someone who may have been of that proclivity in his life .. nor do I care to have to "cover" for him w/his wife of 50 plus years .. (not that I'm around her enough that she would be quizzing me with any histrionics of who has come and gone in my presence there, I'm simply not around K enough to be put in that position, more than likely).
But the very mention by him of "her name coming up in K's presence, it wouldn't be good, you can be discreet".
Uh .. how bout I just stay away from that whole scene, that works better for me!
I wasn't going to go to the hospital .. I have enough to handle that needs my attention ..
I get a phone call from dad .. sounds like he crapped all over himself . and needs new PJ bottoms and underwear.
Now I'll have to fit into my schedule . to go run all the way to the other side of town to retrieve his clothing items then back to the other way to the hospital . to deliver said items.
This elder care stuff .. I don't know .....................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And hopefully not run into lady friend ..
And where is Bossy Boots . this would be the perfect thing to put her to good use, sticking her nose up proverbial butt trying to ingratiate herself into family .........
N.O.T. CHICKEN NOODLE DAMN SOUP!
Should confuse the heck out of both of them, and serve them right.
Rehab is something else; in a hospital, we NEVER brought mom's own stuff.
”F*ck the soup”!!!!!
Hahahahhah!
I do so adore you, Countrymouse!
I don't blame you a bit for being uncomfortable with the situation with the "lady friend". I'd have to bite my tongue not to call him a cad if for nothing else trying to keep this woman a secret from his wife of 50 years. Your approach as to not getting involved with that situation is probably the best.
I'm glad you've stepped farther away from the MIL scene. You've thankfully already missed two time wasting tours with SIL of other facilities that are essentially the same as the one MIL is in now. If SIL needs someone to be "boots on the ground" once she goes back, that person may have to be DH, as you will be busy helping your dad for the foreseeable time being.
i am so not surprised by bossy boots behavior. That is so typical of people like that! I’m laughing at how entitled she is, thinking the nursing staff would have no problem using THEIR microwave to warm up food. It’s not their job and they shouldn’t have to share their stuff with patients & families. Not when there is a cafeteria and 3 meals per day. If warning the soup was *that* important, she should have gone to the cafeteria.
What is with people bringing food anyway? My SIL brought my toothless FIL some candy bars and mini Reese’s peanut butter cups. He’s toothless and can barely swallow! Someone else brought him a slice of custard-filled cake from a grocery store bakery that had been sitting on the table untouched for days as well! I don’t know why the staff didn’t throw it out, he didn’t want it. The room is very hot and there’s no AC so it had been sitting there festering. I guess ants aren’t a concern there? Like I said, whoever brought the cake was well-meaning like my SIL & bossy boots.......but if it can’t be eaten, don’t bring it!
and your SIL.....maybe her and MIL can have a join cognitive assessment. Do you think she’s really this incompetent and can’t remember the questions to ask at the care meetings or this her way of trying to get you back on the front lines? She is a SW. she knows what all of her mother’s issues and complaints are so there is no good reason she can’t go to these meetings and get everything addressed on her own!
and as far as slumpers and finding another facility. Good luck to SIL. There are going to be wheelchair bound non verbal residents no matter where she goes. It nothing is going to make her happy. She doesn’t want to be amongst the slumpers and she doesn’t like the Chatty Cathies. What about the screamers? I haven’t heard any at my FILs nursing home but there were a few at my grandfathers. The ones who would constantly cry for help. If MIL stays in her room all day and night, and it sounds like she does, why the hell does SIL care about slumpers?MIL I’ll give a pass because she’s got cognitive decline but SIL? She’s a SW. she should be more concerned about other things!
Dorker, protocols are protocols. The whole point of them is not to leave it to individuals to decide what doesn't apply.
You can have fun/make yourself extremely unpopular with them. I once pointed out a small nick in the underside of a mattress cover to the nurse who was changing a hospital bed. You can imagine how grateful she was, because otherwise she might not have noticed it and then she wouldn't have known to call Supplies and get the thing taken away and replaced while she found something else to put her patient on...
Still feel a bit bad about that. But it was RIGHT!!!
Dorker, you just cannot make this stuff UP!!!
I was joking about early hurricane season, but you're staring straight into several at the same time.
I don't even know where to start.
I've been in your position --almost all of them, at some point with some relative, but not ALL OF THEM simultaneously!!!
Glad you are staying completely out of MIL's problems. SIL will go home next week and MIL will still be in Purgatory and that's fine. She's impossible to make happy and she's not going to be happy, so quit trying to even attempt to make it so.
I hate to break it to SIL but the 'new' tremors in MIL's hands are probably due to the fact she is a hard lived 89 and she is slowly dying. People don't want to hear that, doctors don't say it, and so we run around for the miracle cure, which, as per mortality? doesn't exist. We all live, we all die. She certainly can't think she will live forever? I mean, we joke about it, but has anyone ever said "Mother, you are dying. We ALL are. Probably not today or next week, but someday." (I have had this talk with my MIL and my mom many times. Love of heaven, they are both the only living members of their respective nuclear families, WHY do they both think so firmly they are going to last forever? And why do they WANT to?)
Let DH handle all things MIL until you have your dad sorted out--and that may not happen, but he sounds a lot less 'fussy' than MIL.
DO NOT run to his house and get clean jammies. DO NOT. In the hospital, my DH was always required to wear a gown. He's a big guy so they put 2 on him. One front wise and one back wise so he's not mooning everyone. I never took clean pjs and underwear until the day he was discharged. They also have underwear that rips down the sides for ease--and Dh said they felt like tidy-whiteys and didn't bother him. Or he went commando.
Once you give an inch---you will be hotfooting it to his house then the hospital every day----and somehow washing all this stuff in between.
As far as the lady friend visiting--this is actually kind of hilarious. I would WANT to see what woman would be hankering after an 80 year old, sick, sick man.
I went to see an ex-boyfriend (essentially an old fiancé if the truth be told) after he fell off his roof a few years ago. Early in his marriage, I guess I was something of a 'hotspot' topic---his wife made an effort to return to me EVERYTHING I had given this guy, along with the warning to stay away from her hubby. Uh, OK.
35 years later we are friends and actually go out with them occasionally. I went to see him and brought a huge box of wonderful chocolates and made sure to go when I knew his wife was there. Ended up he was being discharged and so I was 'enlisted' to help him up, out of his hospital gown and into a clean t shirt and the 'backbrace' thing he had to wear. Pretty up close and personal, his wife on one side, me on the other, trying to get this thing snapped into place....I looked across him and her and we burst out laughing. She said "You want him now? Because I will totally give him back to you"...I replied "yeah, but do you want my DH who just had a liver transplant? He's no prize either right now".
Any 'romance' that I had still for him was gone. A sic hubby is a pain in the tush, not matter how you look at it. I look at my DH and love him dearly, but cannot take his moaning and groaning when he doesn't feel great, which is always.
Don't turn into SIL with your dad. He is far more competent than MIL, but he'll draw you in, watch your step. You have no other sibs around, except for the back door step brother (who is truly NO relation to you) and his chicken soup carrying wife.
Yes, you're going to need to help him rehab and deal with what's ahead. Tomorrow's biopsy should help put a plan in action.
Once you know what dad's facing, long term, you can put a plan in action.
All I can say is "good luck". Wish I could help, but I can't. Good thoughts coming your way--
Although, I could be wrong. I never could keep straight whether Ashley Abbot was a full sibling to Jack and Tracy - or if she had a different father...
My dad's "friend" I guess had come and gone before I got there with changes of clothes ..
That was done on purpose on my part, hoping just the above would occur. Had every intention of taking the day off from the hospital for the reasons listed .. but then got waylay-ed into going that way afterall. I took my sweet time, and did some of what needed doing on my end .. before departing for said chore. It worked. Whoever "lady friend" is . had come and gone before I got there. GOOD!
My dad .. more worried/weary/anxiety'd today than has been .. I guess as tomorrow's procedure is upon us. Tried to assuage his anxiety .. as best one can .. (not real successfully) in these circumstances. A lot of: "what will be, will be and one way or the other it will all work out". Easy for me to say .. not staring down the barrel of tomorrow's procedure and the outcome.
I agree hospitals have their protocols for good reason. No qualms from me on that. My qualms were with Bossy Boots and the rolling of the eyes. "Go fight city hall, you'll have just as much luck". In fact, I suggested it twice to go to the cafeteria and HEAT IT UP YOURSELF . but that didn't seem to suit her fancy. Thus, it didn't get done. So be it.
Got a medical directive completed today .. signing me as his voice, in the event he is unable to speak for himself ..
Scary stuff. I don't want the responsibility . but .. I guess there's no one else to see to it .. so .. has to be me.
Dorker's FULL BROTHER is the one married to Bossy pants.
Any other sibs, half through bio dad or bio mom? Just curious.
That makes a big difference then. I thought he was "K's" kid, brought in to the marriage.
I'm glad your dad is being cooperative with all that's going on. Tomorrow will set the pace, going forward. Thank goodness he doesn't whine and cry like MIL and make your life miserable. It will be interesting, but not miserable and drama ridden (I hope).
Good luck with tomorrow. Wonder if brother will show up?
Also glad he opted to move forward by naming you his voice. Hard as that is to take...it needs to be done.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow.
Then I believe stepmother to Dorker has daughter with issues and she has 3 children. That daughter must have come from her previous marriage.
Your family is also interesting and I am somewhat able to keep track even without the initials assigned to them. This most likely is due to the colorful descriptions you provide.
Hope emotional strength prevails tomorrow.
Brother can't be here til afternoon but Bossy Boots slated to be here ahead of him by a couple of hours.
Found myself really annoyed with bossy boots yesterday and her questions to me.
She wanted to know does dad have an "active" MRSA infection and if so, why are they entertaining any notion to go in for biopsy, because her best friend who is a nurse told her that shouldn't be happening with "active" MRSA.
Maybe I need some patience pills.
My annoyance came from ... if you guys were routinely in touch with him you would know. No, there WAS MRSA at issue about a year ago, it took about an entire year prior to that to clear, but has been clear now for just about 1 year.
Her next question that she wants to ask staff there (as is the above, on her list of questions for staff) .. next question ... as her nurse friend informed her "if they're all gowning up at entry there, then there must be active MRSA they're worried about because what they're doing is over kill in all the gowning up, and not necessary if MRSA isn't at issue presently"
SIGH
I think I would be embarrassed to be seen sitting by her if she asks that.
I answered that: "I'm not a health care professional so I don't know the ins and outs of the why's...but I do know I've seen all this play out in DH's mom also, who .. about 4 years ago had MRSA. Her's, cleared about 4 years ago. But still, the precautions all on the door, staff gowning up each time they enter... it even bought her .. via her insurance ... medical transport ...from one facility to the next, due to infectious disease risk. And I know she too didn't have any MRSA present/active, like dad. So, I don't know the why's of it all ... but I think it has something to do with that person now has that laying dormant but is a higher risk it could erupt again. And I've seen it before. I'm surprised your nurse friend didn't know that bossy boots".
Bossy Boots: "I would think she knows her way around all this stuff, she's an RN and owns her own case management company, works as a case manager and she just was kind of alarmed when I described them gowning up there and all the hullabaloo over it all ... why are they doing a biopsy on someone with active MRSA ...they shouldn't be ... and if it's not active.. then why all the over kill with gowning up and all ... I just wanted to ask them about that when I'm there tomorrow".
So annoying. I wanted to say to her ... but didn't. Okay well genius ... the fact you won't get there until likely after biopsy is complete... kinda negates all the above anyway doesn't it?
I didn't say it.
The next supreme annoyance. I was asking her if my brother plans to be on site. She answered no.. not until afternoon and listed some of his work impediments as to achieving above. I then said "well if you talk to him, run it past him .. if there is ANY WAY .. he can make it happen I'd appreciate it ... I mean ... as it stands right now ... looks like I'll be the lone person there ... and if the news is grim..I'd sure like his help with helping dad to process this news and feeling supported...if you'd just let him know that".
(So stupid), her response .. again .. get in the know here.
Bossy boots: well he's going to be sedated isn't he and so he won't even really be very lucid for a while ... you can just tell the doctors to just tell him the procedure went well and to with hold any bad news til your brother gets there ... just let the doctors know ... not to tell him .. they can just say the procedure went well .. leave it at that"
Gawd!!!!! Get a clue!
She was told the following by me: that's not really practical bossy boots .. sounds good ..but here's the thing .. he will only be in a twilight as to sedation ..not general anesthesia ... so ... he will be somewhat interactive while this is ongoing and he knows ... he's been told .. he told me himself... as did the Pulmonary doc ..