I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Pathology will also be in attendance and some semblance of an initial read will be available, a more detailed report to follow... in coming days ...but at least an initial read at the ready...he knows this ... he told me that info as if I didn't know it already myself ... he's sharp mentally ... he's not gunna buy that... just a simple "procedure went well" to buy time waiting for brother to arrive ... he's not going to be put under ... and he's sharp enough .. if I go ask a doc to step into the hall .. to request the above .. he'll catch that .. I wouldn't be able to sneak that past him ... all sounds good .. just, in practicality .. not gunna work .. just ... if brother can at all work it out to be here ... I'd appreciate it ... if not ... I'll just have to deal with it I guess.
Just, her suggestions/questions ... they come from a place of not being in the know ... and being that I don't like her ... I lack patience in answering what are to me, stupid points. I mean, the whole MRSA dialogue. H377 .. go Google it ... that alone will answer whether your nurse friend is correct.
No patience.
And in the end, No, brother can't be here til afternoon.
Oh but she'll be here!
Joy!!!!!
I actually think she's right about the biopsy results, though. It will be much better to discuss the findings when your father is completely recovered from both the procedure and the sedation. Sufficient unto the time is the evil thereof. Anyway, won't the section have to go to the path. lab before anyone can comment meaningfully on it? - or have you been told different? If you don't know exactly what will happen when, do ask.
Ignore initial findings - unless they're a conclusive negative - and urge your father to do the same. "We'll get the report on Tuesday. No point worrying about it 'til then."
One thing at a time, and having sharp objects shoved into your chest is plenty to be getting on with for that day. How is he feeling in himself, meanwhile?
He feels like a piece on an assembly line of the bureaucracy of the big health care machine and lacks ANY patience/tolerance.
Yesterday being a fine example of the above...
He had been on stool softener to hopefully get things moving.
Yesterday AM the logjam broke on that issue (ergo the phone call to me to bring fresh clothing).
But to hear him tell it (you're just a part of the machine .. not a person). He'd called for help (bed alarm .. needs a one assist to get to bathroom) ... the nurse came ... but I guess her reason to come was to administer meds (she didn't know the above, she was there to dispense meds). He then informed her rather urgent like that no .. the more pressing need at this moment is the toilet to which she replied "well let's 1st get these meds .. it'll take just a minute " .. to which he argued ... he doesn't have just a minute .. needs the toilet to which she then responded again "are you sure? We can just get these meds done, then get you to the toilet, ...
By then, too late.
As he put it "they don't listen! BY GOD they've got their agenda to see about ... and anything that deviates from that agenda doesn't compute with them!".
I get it. You don't feel good to begin with and then here they come with assembly line .. one size fits all care.
I know another time a foreigner (heavy accent) came to draw blood for lab work. For whatever the reason .. she didnt, wasn't able to draw enough blood from that stick. She then said to him with her thick accent "looks like we couldn't get enough blood... we need to stick you again. Do you want me to do it now, or come back in a little bit?".
He raised his voice at her, aggravated "mam I DONT KNOW! You're the lab person .. why are you asking me how to do your job?!?!?!?!"
He is grouchy and on edge.
I know yesterday a dietary person came by ... just a survey kinda thing "have you been satisfied with your meals? Is there anything you liked very much? Anything you've been served that you disliked?"
That kinda thing.
He answered her questions... but then her final question (kind of redundant) "have you been happy overall with your dietary experience here?".
Snapped off on her. "MAM! I already answered all that. To be quite honest I really can take it or leave it, food to me, at this point, I have little interest! Why do you keep asking me the same questions, I already answered you, it's been fine, it's been grand .. !!!!".
Grouchy.
Make clear to her that you prefer to concentrate on one section of the family at a time, and that you too have a life?
What happens when you just say no to her?
They give no reasons why they do the things they do.
Exasperated but what are ya gunna do?
if bossy boots nurse friend is so much of an expert, why didn’t tell her that the nurses don’t just suit up when there’s MRSA? They do it if you have the flu or are susceptible to infection in my experience.
Bossy boots......needs to sit down and shut up. Now is not the time for her to be a control freak & boss people around and try to take control over things. As a DIL & SIL & with a husband that doesn’t really ask questions and get involved, I kinda get where she's coming from. But at times like this, interference is not helpful. And that’s all it is. It’s interference and disruption. If there are concerns and questions, your brother should be the one to bring them up.
Those dietary surveys.....don’t like them myself. The hospital didn’t do that when I had my kids but they do it now. Someone came by while I was visiting my hubby after his surgery last week. I was surprised....like why bother a hospital patient over a damn survey? The hospital here.....actually serves good food now. They have a full restaurant menu. You get to order all your own meals. My hubby, a meat snob, had filet mignon both nights and said it was good! But as far the surveys....just print out a few questions and ask the patient to rate the food before they go! I really am shocked that hospitals these days are sending people in to the patients room to ask them about the food! If all things to ask them about!
I hope your father’s biopsy goes well. And I agree with CM wholeheartedly, IGNORE the preliminary results. My mother smoked for many years, but quit 12 months ago. She has COPD and gets a lung scan yearly because she’s an ex smoker. 2-3 years ago at her scan, they found a spot on one of her lungs and the radiologist told her lung doctor it was terminal cancer! Lung doctor is a wise man and didn’t tell her that, he just told her there was a spot and sent her for a biopsy. The biopsy showed no cancer!!! So I know your dad is having his biopsy today but just wait for the pathology results! Fingers crossed for him!
There would be an 'initial finding' and then a few days later--really, about in 2 days, a final reading. The first dxes were ones we took with a grain of salt, but they were always born out by the longer term ones.
I cannot imagine a lung biopsy could be a lot easier than a liver biopsy. Dh was very sedated and did not remember the actual procedures. And I think he had about 10 over the course of the past 12 years.
They'd report to us the 'initial findings' and then tell us to wait on the final analysis. Trying to not be anxious and upset when the initial reports were always that he had cancer....just how much had it progressed was brutal.
I do wish you calm and wisdom today. Whatever the outcome, I hope you have peace. And the wisdom to deal with family.
AS per the hospital regulations--well, they always say the worse place to be sick is in the hospital. My last stay, I had enough foresight to bring earplugs and an eye mask. If the staff really needed to talk to me, they could wake me up. I was on a Dilaudid pump and so stoned I couldn't have told you my name.
Days were bad, but nights were worse. My room was right across from the nursing station, where, evidently, Mardi Gras was in full swing.
If dad requires more hospitalization--I suggest the earplugs and eye mask.
Hand I been stupid enough to think that any kind of workable plan.
They just wheeled him off and I haven't even seen any MD.
I'd of been frantic if I'd of set my course dependent upon the direction she'd of had things go.
Btw, bossy boots not in attendance today at all, thankfully. Not sure what derailed her presence here but I'm glad for it.
Brother is heading here without bossy boots.
I didn't mean to infer a biopsy is a walk in the park. Far from it. DH spent the entire day in the hospital when he had one. Chances of bleeding, sleeping off the sedatives---PLUS they were trying to hit spots that were smaller than a marble.
I imagine there are several ways to get biopsies from the lungs. Through the side or down the esophagus, I guess. Everyone I know who's had a lung biopsy had it through the chest wall. I'm sure it's miserable.
Hoping for news from Dorker soon--it's after 9 there now. They should know something.
Glad Bossy Pants is not there. She doesn't need to be a part of this. Some things are best kept 'in the family'.
I am up to page 14 (Jul 2017) - the grandbabies are newborns :) :)
I am blown away by your bravery to tell your story honesty & by all the responders, their advice, support & encoragement. Especially Countrymouse & BarbBrooklyn but also so so so many others.
I have laughed out loud so many times, been close to tears & felt anger & frustration by bucketloads for you.
I just wanted to thankyou all, as there has bee so much good will & great advice. It is helping me along my road too.
Sending you my best wishes Dorker!
Right lung, upper area positive for cancer cells. Lower right lung .. unable to reach with scope but did some kind of wash thing ..and suction and sent to pathology on that area .. as was the case for lymph nodes.
Worse though, right lung collapsed after procedure.
A chest tube (?) Inserted and now in ICU for the time being.
The pulmonary doc had come out to tell us those results .. and I was stunned (the lung hadn't yet collapsed at this point in time) ... she said he'd be ready to be released likely tomorrow, to go to Rehab. Stunned.
This is a guy who .. gets winded .. just talking .. is weak .. and if he does anything at all, moving in his bed .. he gets winded. Stunned, she said that .. he can go to Rehab now ..
And of course I asked her, .. "can he do rehab . w/a mass on his lung?".
She said, . ."yes, and that's truly where he needs to be .. his lungs and heart can be monitored there, but he needs to get stronger . that's what he needs to be doing .. he hasn't been active for a couple of years, due to his foot/back issues . .and so the muscle atrophy has been an issue .. and Rehab can help with that".
It was then that she got a text, picked up her phone and looked at it, and advised us that my dad's right lung had collapsed . .and she then left to go .. whatever it is they do .. insert a chest tube .. and I don't know ..??... I don't know about this stuff .. blow it back up like a balloon . what? I don't know. Explained if that doesn't work, they'd need to ventilate him .. ("ventilate") that word was scary .. I think of "ventilating" someone . .as someone who has been in a horrible car accident and is now on a ventilator and may never breathe again on their own. Scared.
But she did come back in a bit and said the chest tube was working .. and that he'd be sent to ICU .. and we could go see him shortly.
There, we were warned (don't understand all this, foreign to me) . that he'd be swollen, his face, neck . upper chest area .. and so don't be alarmed. I didn't ask why .. wish I had of. But yes .. he was .. extremely swollen . and had a .. I think they called it Bpap on his face .. I think that's what they called it .. big face mask thing .. I would guess that forces oxygen .. not sure.
He, of course, couldn't talk to us with that big apparatus over his face, .. but I don't even know that I'm sure he'd of been able to anyway .. he was swollen and blown up looking . and just looked so sick. But I guess that's what it looks like to someone who doesn't know what the h377 they're looking at.
All so scary.
She is so far off my radar that I haven't even talked to her, at all, in more than 2 weeks. Not even a word.
In fact, as I shared with DH .. a conversation had with SIL on it all:
SIL: "Mom lamenting .. *what am I gonna do, you go away next week, back to IL . and you won't be here to help me, what am I gonna do* .. I think . for the most part, the kinks are all worked out .. I mean .. it was like pulling teeth to get her lactaid instead of milk, that's been done .. I got it figured out . .. somewhere in there they'd been saying she can't wear Depends to PT .. I don't know where that came from, but I got to the bottom of that, she can indeed .. and so that's been ironed out . .. those tremors that she has .. we don't know why .. the origin . but they are going to be trying out a new med to see if it will calm that some .. I think .. I mean .. I don't know what to do about he damn judgement .. she cannot be getting up on her own .. but she still tries to do it .. and says that the people there are too busy and some of them just aren't kind .. and I mean .. I'm there all the time, I see these people .. and .. yea .. some of them aren't as patient and kind . and take time with her .. but nobody is mean .. flat out mean .. and treating her unkind .. there are some that are kinder .. but some not .. but none are just mean .. so I don't know what that's all about . and working to get her to ring them when she needs them .. and stop with this mentality that she can't bother them . .that they're all too busy .. and some of them aren't nice .. working to change some of that ... but I think for the most part, the kinks and quirks are worked out .. and I know all the people there, I can talk to them from IL . if I need to .. so .. I think .. for the most part all of it is as settled as it's gonna get .. for now .. she's not happy there .. but nothing is gonna make her happy .. she still does the whole .. "is this the best it gets . surely you guys could've found some place better than this place for me, I can't believe this is how I'll spend my last days on earth here .. in this place, surely there is something better than this, this can't be it for me .. " She still does all that ... but I just try to change the subject, . justify that we've done what we can .. and explain to her that some of it depends on how much stronger she can get .. all of that".
Sharing all of this with DH . the convo had with SIL . where in I then said to her.
Me: "I just don't know, .. I don't know with my dad's world being upended at this point in his wife having been down for the count with bypass surgery and her dementia which also impedes what her abilities are gonna be going forward .. my dad is a sick sick man at this point .. and needs me ... I'm essentially all he has. My brother doesn't live here local .. and his stepdaughter .. she's kinda flaky .. so ... I guess I get to wear the crown of stability he sees in me .. (not so sure I see it) .. but I'm all he has at this point . and he is leaning heavily on me, for moral/emotional support, .. and love/kindness, but also for practical matters .. and so I have to .. at least for right now, be there for him .. I'm not at all sure where your mom fits into that picture for the immediate future, and my existence .. to be honest with you and as you know .. your brother .. can't be all that attentive either, .. his work is a hindrance there .. so .. I just am not at all sure what the picture is gonna look like as to your mom .. except to say that with my dad .. my presence in his world at this point is far more critical . he is terribly sick .. your mom .. she's unhappy . but nobody can fix that .. and I'm not even going to waste one ounce of energy . not when my focus needs to be on my dad
Your mom is just unhappy . she's not terribly sick .. my dad is .. terribly sick .. so .. not sure how the pieces of all this come together . .. and specifically as to your mom's existence .. but it maybe is a good thing that I've been waylay-ed into my dad's scene at this point . because I have zero patience at this point for her whining .. when I know 2 things ..
1. We all busted our effing azzes for years to prop her up . every one of us .. to the degree it impeded out abilities to live our own lives .. and so I don't feel the least modicum of any guilt in it all .. in fact, what I feel is anger. Presently, she's in a LTC that she is wholly dissatisfied with .. and thinks somehow there's gotta be something better, but again, I know .. we did all we can .. with what resources are available .. and with that .. I am comfortable .. sorry she isn't .. but not sorry .. best we can do.
2. Your mom is not sick . she is unhappy .. there is an enormous difference .. my dad is terribly sick .. and watching him and his predicament vs your mom and her's .. I have no patience for it, .. at all.
SIL: "Well I do understand some of her complaints . it is an enormous adjustment .. she's gone from being waited on hand and foot by me . by you . and in the comfort of her own home .. to now being in this setting . with the slumpers who .. I mean .. it's a damn shame we can put our animals out of their misery .. but there are people who lay in wheelchairs and beds . contorted and not even aware of who they are .. or where they are .. and out of it .. and we can't somehow put them out of their misery . we treat our animals with more dignity .. it galls me .. but .. whatever .. I mean it is an enormous adjustment for her, so I get that .. it's hard .. it's terribly hard .. I do get it ... But you're right . .. your dad is terribly ill and needs you .. and so you have to be there for him .. and so .. we'll all just have to do the best we can.
Me: "And SIL ... you need to remind her, as I've told DH .. when she starts down that path she always does .. *I can't believe this is my life now, I've lost everything, my home, my dog . my things .. all that mattered* .. you need to remind her that she had every opportunity to stay in IL . and be closer to you . and you in possession of her dog . and she could've continued to visit with her dog . she could've had your continued presence in her life .. she chose this path . this was her choice, that you granted to her, to bring her back to her beloved FL .. and let her live here .. so .. I just .. I have zero patience for it all .. and it's a good thing I'm not part of that scene anymore .. I would probably let her have it, especially now that I see what my dad's plight is .. ".
Sharing all of this with DH. DH who then imparts that he is fed up .. sick of it .. that he now sees (not anything he will act upon himself) why it is that old folks get left in these nursing homes and no one ever comes to see them anymore. As he put it, .. "I see how that happens .. not anything I'll ever resort to .. but what else is there for me to say to her . she keeps playing the same damn stupid confounded broken damn record of her life and her misery and oh woe with me, .. i've tried all the pep talk I can .. and it doesn't change it .. any of it, . .next time I see her it's the same Debbie Downer stuff it always is .. there's nothing left to say at this point .. I see how it is that old folks get abandoned and left to languish".
He's disgusted/angry, . at having to *listen* to it all every time he goes to see her, the same damn broken record .. over and over .. as if it hasn't ever been said before.
He said he told her yesterday when he called her and that same broken record began to play
DH: "Mom .. I don't know what you want me to say .. I can't fix all this .. you can't be at home anymore, .. we did that .. we all did that as long as that could be played out .. we did it . and it
Took everything we could all do, especially sister and Dorker, working their azzes off and giving up their lives .. to a large extent .. and that ship has sailed, we have come to the end of the road on all that ... your needs have increased to the point they can't keep doing it ... you are a fall risk .. you can't get out of bed or out of a chair on your own .. you are chitting and pizzing yourself all the time . what do you want me to do .. I have to work, I can't stay in your home and look after all that .. what is it you want me to say".
<<Good for him, but it does no good>>>
Her answer to him: "I shouldn't of said all that to you".
SIGH
whatever
She'll say the same things again, today when he talks to her.
As I said to him: "You have to just compartmentalize . you can't change it, she's not gonna stop saying it .. and so you have to compartmentalize . and just put it on a shelf DH .. she's not gonna change .. she's gonna play that same damn broken record, h377 with her brain . she probably doesn't even remember that you had this same dialogue about 10k times now .. and in fact, just yesterday . she thinks she's saying something new to you .. and doesn't realize she's said allt his same stuff about 10k times .. and that you are fed up with hearing it .. you have to just put it on a damn shelf and leave it there . you can't make her happy . nobody can".
So .. now if prayers could just be answered that he .. sorta like his sister .. who . maybe is more able to process the sadness of all this . than is her brother . but still works to find the magic whirligig to fix it all .. maybe if the two of them could now come to better terms with her unhappiness . and find a way of shelving it for what it is .. and go on w/life ..
For myself . it still has the potential to make me very angry, ....
Not sad .. not melancholy . not sorrowful . not .. an emotion of .. poor her .. it's such a huge adjustment . not in me, it doesn't.
It's anger. I'm over it, and shared that with DH and with his sister both.
Why am I angry?
Because I know what it took to prop it all up .. she's not my mom and I shared all this with DH .. as I told you DH . back when I was exiting your mom's needs .. there has to be something left in my tank for when my own parents need .. and we're here .. we're on that page now .... so .. I'm over it.
Fortunately for all involved . including myself . I'm too damn tired and preoccupied . and have lost . at least for the moment . any ability to live my own happiness in life .. and just exhausted ................. to act upon that anger. My life .. at this moment has been tossed into the swirling storm of my dad's troubles.
I know .. that will improve somewhat in the coming days as he will be sent to Rehab and there . there will be a path charted as to his working to get stronger, as is the case with his wife .. and even better .. he is not opposed .. in fact, is quite on board with hiring in home f/t care (his wife another story on that topic . but they'll have to wade those waters not me) .. and so .. the mere fact that he has some awareness/willingness to walk that path .. and put those measures in place, assures me that there is some light at the end of all this .. and an ability to be his daughter, not his c'giver .. and that .. gives me peace .. some.
So off I will go now, back to ICU .. to check on things there . and as of last night . my dad . and his struggles had not even been told that he has cancer .. that bridge will have to be crossed today.
Sad sad times.
And then there's MIl that wants to whine/bitch/moan. I have no patience for it, absolutely none . not even a slither of patience. Good thing I have zero time to spend with her . or even call her.
Yes collapsed lung scary for you and your Dad.
When things happen that you aren’t used to dealing with it’s scary and draining.
Ive been meaning to ask. You may have answered, if you did I missed it. How is your Dad responding to treatment for Pneumonia. I am assuming he is responding or he wouldn’t be headed to rehab.
Leave MIL and her “stuff” to DH and SIL. SIL can handle things long distance and if something comes up DH will HAVE to address it. I’m referring to emergencies not if Depends are allowed in PT. That sounds like a big misunderstanding by somebody.
Asking your Dad to get his affairs in order under the circumstances might seem to you as a heartless request. Believe me, it’s not. Having his affairs in order could save you a lot of heartache and stress later on.
Sounds like rehab is going to happen fast. In that setting a visit from the attorney and staff could get things rolling. Due to the “at arms length” relationship you’ve had with your Dad up to now it might feel awkward. But, you are in this with him up to your eyeballs now. So, it would be a reasonable request now. Hey Dad, would you be open to talking to an attorney and getting your affairs in order?
Heres hoping today is a better day for you. (((Hugs)))
Read the post late last night and I was so sorry (but not surprised) to hear of the dx of lung cancer.
Dad will have a lot of decisions to make. How aggressive is he planning to be in his ongoing TX? You don't even have the full path report, so even thinking of 'what should we do?' is premature.
He may opt to do nothing but palliative care. And you need to be ready to accept that, if he so chooses. Lung cancer can be a very brutal regimen...and in the end, the time 'saved' is not really quality.
It is time, far past it, actually, to get an attorney in and do the basics. And whomever suggesting you NOT be there during that is 100% correct, It could look like coercion. We had to do this with my FIL during a chemo tx, and DH just took him to the atty's and left for a couple hours. MIL had her atty come to her home, I think.
It's depressing to be doing this in the face of serious illness, but better than never having done it. And maybe dad won't do it now. You can't harangue someone into making a will. He may well feel like this is 'giving up'. I know my FIL did, even though he was incredibly sick and had outlived his dx by 8-9 years!
I am so sorry for what dad is going through. Sounds like he had a very rough time with the biopsies. Today he should look much better. The swelling is normal, but scary looking. The Bipap is scary looking too. (DH was on a CPAP for years and the grandkids were terrified of it)…..he should be off that today too. If it makes you feel better, he probably doesn't remember anything.
Wow--life for you has been a hot mess for 2 solid years--and for about 15 before that. No rest for the wicked, right? Or is it the weary?
At least MIL Is not going to be a problem for YOU. DH can and should stand up and handle her. And he's right. People get so sick and tired of visiting crabby people in any setting. SIL has done all in her power to make this as 'good' as it's going to be. Not understanding ( as she's never had a cog eval, has she?) why she keeps repeating herself and why she's so difficult--is this just 'her' or is she incapable of common reasoning? Not your problem, though.
Be sure to take MIL's number off your phone. Don't let her be able to contact you. She needs to get used to texting or calling DH.
I have no great words of wisdom. I'm sorry for your dad's illness--and I expect you weren't surprised by it. Hopefully the full path will be done soon and you'll know what to expect.
You're learning a lot, I guess that is good. I know when Dh has had another one of his health crises---I learn a whole new vocab (that I didn't want!).
One thing I learned the hard way--take a couple hours for yourself everyday, 15 minutes is what you might actually GET, to decompress and do nothing. Soak in a hot tub, go to a movie alone. Call a friend. Read. You've got the Xanax....use it judiciously if needed. Somebody has to stay calm.
I didn't do anything to fuss myself, ever. Looking back, that was not healthy for any of us.
And know that there are a LOT of us praying for you, everyday.
How sad for your dad! I hope that you get clarity from the docs when the full report is in and good direction on the path to take.
MIL's antics would be funny if they weren't so sad, annoying and distasteful. I'm glad that SIL is seeing the full picture at last. (((((hugs)))))))
so the trust should reserve $ for that. If there is a trust involved and a life estate, then the trust should reserve money for that too, that way taxes & insurance can continue to be paid after the life estate has ended and if the house is to be sold, any repairs and costs associated with that can be paid.
Dorker, so sorry about your dads diagnosis! I hope today has been a better day for him. It sounds like your SIL is still a bit obtuse when it comes to MIL though, still lamenting on her situation and how she has to get used to her new life! I’m glad your hubby has finally had enough too. SIL should be leaving for IL in just a few days right? I hope your hubby stays strong and doesn’t run to MIL the way SIL does.
Just wishing for the best possible outcome for your whole family and especially for you, Dorker, who we all feel like we've gotten to know so well.
You have become our friend through your saga. Know we are all sending you prayers, energy, and our love.