I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
No malignancy!
I hope this good news finds you able to relax a bit and get back to enjoying your own life again soon. I wouldn't be so quick to mention that everything is "all clear" to SIL & MIL, as you don't wish to be pulled back in that frey. Let them know that he is definately not out of the woods yet! Praying for his full recovery!
Dorker. I would not shout this from the hilltops. I would tell MIL's crew that docs are "cautiously optimistic" and " not out of the woods"...
They want to make certain and so are going to do a CT guided needle biopsy via chest tube already in place.
He didn’t wind up where he is because he didn’t have cancer. He has health issues to manage and a sick wife. Dorker is still in demand.
We learn a lot about our family when there is a crisis. Who is there. Who isn’t. Who causes more problems. I was glad to hear Step sister got back in the game when it was time to move her mom.
Sometimes I do wonder though, at all the "tests" they put us through sometimes. The stress can't be good! And some of these tests cause problems in themselves... (like didn't you dad's lung collapse from the biopsy - or did I get that wrong?)
I wonder what they would do to treat an 80 year old if they did find a malignancy during the CT guided needle biopsy that they plan to do next? You might want to ask, Dorker, and see if he could heal a bit first, or if they feel there is an urgency?
Sometimes all those tests and prodding can set off a cascade of poor health events in the elderly, I think, when strength, rest, and healing is what they need most!
I asked "why aren't we sure from the matter taken during the bronchoscopy?".
The answer given, the scope can only reach so far .. and so .. the tissue taken . or whatever, as to send for biopsy . may have only been the top or inflamed tissue or whatever, may not be as good a sample.
What I didn't think to ask, but wish I had .. and maybe I know the answer without thinking .. "why wouldn't they just do a needle biopsy of what they need instead of the bronchoscope .. if the tissue or whatever it is they grab to biopsy .. isn't in the end conclusive enough".
I don't know, but I guess the risk of lung collapse is greater with needle biopsy .. I don't know though .. and didn't ask, ..
You always think of a million questions .. only later.
I did ask, why .. why now. Doesn't he need to get stronger before anymore probing is done.
But the answer given was that the tube is already in place .. tube having to do with re-inflating that lung, draining it, etc . and the lung stable presently . and so do it while it's in . (the tube) .. vs .. later .. and run the risk of re-collapse on the lung.
Sounds plausible as to the "go for it now" reason.
So glad all else was benign .. and I guess we just cross our fingers and pray for good news .. on the other that's to be done tomorrow. Pathology on it, will be in when it's in . who knows.
Helping my dad with so much .... and I know he is so appreciative .. complements galore on my efficiency and helpfulness. Not whining and lamenting and woe with me that I'm so used to.
In the end, stepmom not moved today. No available beds at the next stop for her, .. possibly tomorrow that will take place.
On another front with MIL. It's almost .. I would say .. I don't wanna hear anymore, but being where I am with my dad's needs .. and hearing of the tales on that end, it's almost comical . really.
SIL . telling me that she'd had a conversation . just in passing with the SW from the atty office ..
Therein discussing with her, that she'd requested a shower for MIL .. and her concern that there'd been only one shower since she arrived there .. and that was at SIL request... and so it concerns her, that without prompt by herself . it simply doesn't happen.
SIL then telling me that SW asked of her .. "have you asked staff .. a lot of times they ask the patient and the patient declines. I would ask the staff about that ..
SW: She should be offered to shower every Wednesday and Sunday .. I would ask them if they have offered and if so . if it's been declined by your mom ... .they should be charting that, it should be recorded.
I just find it .. I dunno .. not funny .. but .. I don't know . the auto-assume on SIL's part that staff .. isn't seeing to their duties and absent her ability to stand in stead .. and act on MIL as her mouthpiece, nothing gets done.
I'd be willing to bet that staff has indeed offered, and it's been declined.
On another front there .. SIL having talked to the SW about the supposed "mean" staff at the Purgatory site and the problems that is creating .. wherein MIL is trying to do too much ambulating on her own, rather than ask for help .. putting herself at risk for fall/injury.
SW encouraged SIL to have her mom (make sure she has a pad of paper and pen at her disposal) .. ask her to ask for the person's name . not mean like . "WHAT IS YOUR NAME?!??!?" . no .. just ask sweet like, 'Honey what was your name, I don't remember what you told me" ... and write it down. Staff can't address it . with their hired help there, if they don't know who is offending .. they need to know who it is.
SIL telling me this was the advice given by the SW. ....
I didn't say it to SIL but my thoughts:
She can't remember what she did 10 minutes ago . .much less .. .have her with pen and paper and at the ready next time she is offended .. and have her remember to ask . sweet or otherwise .. what is the person's name. She won't remember to do it folks.
I just thought that one was comical . .really!
GO FOR IT ..................yep .. perfect suggestion. Coming from the SW who really has no gauge of just how impaired her memory is . .. why? Because there has been no testing of same .. to validate it.
GO FOR IT ............. SIL ............ there ya go, there's a solution to the problem .. yea, let's see how that one works out for ya.
Just . I dunno . from where I sit . weathering what I've seen in my dad's plight of late .. and he complains very very little (other than being mean and hateful to staff . and I wish that wasn't the case, and I try to correct him) .. and the woes of MIL . it's just .. beyond ridiculous!
My dad . as an example of how he can be mean and hateful. PT came today to get him . asked if he wanted to try to walk. Grand he says (smart azz like) . and so they get him up .. then .. they ask him, "where would you like to walk to".
His answer (smart azz) .. "I don't know . you're the PT person . you tell me .. what do you want me to do?!??!?".
PT person tells him to turn left, . .let's walk down the hall a ways..
They do that ..
PT then asks him, "okay are you ready to sit down a moment".
Dad: "NO!".
They keep walking ... and PT asks him: "Okay are you ready to turn around now?".
Dad: "If that's what you want me to do!!!!!!!!!!, you tell me!".
Sheesh dad .. c'mon . why be so hateful.
My mother does tend to decline a shower with some frequency. My sister stays on top of that (and most) issues pretty well, though.
If she gets rude with anybody in front of any of us daughters, we call her out on it in front of her and the person who has been subjected to the rudeness. Fortunately, this doesn't happen too much.
Your dad still has some sense; ask him how he'd feel working with any number of people all day long if each one was ugly like that. And you could try explaining that the staffer has probably learned to invite the participation rather than just be bossy and order it. And add, "If you'd like, the PT person could just order you around and you can see if you like that better."
Your MIL would not remember to write down a staffer's name, but if she did, she'd not know why and then proceed to ask for the name in a rude way.
FWIW
I NEVER had a bad experience with any hospital staff--other than them being unable to start an IV and I am sobbing in pain--I still thanked them for giving it a good try---
You thank everyone involved in your care ALL THE TIME.
And I have come to realize I'm not being phony or trying to get better care, I sincerely am grateful for the people who are caring for me. (Yes, I have had some lousy nurses and crabby docs, and yes, the guy mopping the floor at 3 am was a little annoying....but in the end, I don't think I ever rang for a nurse and didn't have them come.)
MIL could use that, but sans that 'dementia' label that she so dearly deserves and needs--she's not going to get sterling care. She's got a 'tude and it's annoying as all get out. BTW, WHY hasn't SIL gotten that eval done??? It would really help the rehab center if the KNEW she had level 2 dementia--whatever. Right now they assume she's hitting on all cylinders and she's not. She cannot remember to think "oh, I am going to need to use the bathroom, I need to call a few minutes before it all hits the fan"--she simply feels the urge and THEN she calls, and it's too late. So I kind of feel sorry for her and the staff. If they KNEW (and I'm sure it's no shock!) that she is quite impaired, they'd be a tad more aware of her lack of forward thinking.
And your dad can definitely change!! My FIL was quite racist--and he would refer to anybody not 'pure white' as it were, as well, I won't say the 'n' word. It was SO embarrassing. He did get a little better and by the end of his life he was referring to anyone not pearly white as 'colored' and I once asked him "what color ARE they, dad? Blue? You gotta be more specific".
Funny codicil to that story: DH did that DNA testing and he is 4% black. His father is a very distant relative to Sally Hemmings, Thomas Jefferson's slave/father to 6 kids. So, you never know.
Dorker--I am glad your dad is on the mend. A long ways to 'all better' and I imagine they are going to 'make' him stop smoking, which I hope he does. I am so glad you are there for him and making him a priority and letting DH and SIL play patty cake with MIL. You have the most perfect excuse to do absolutely nothing for her.
Does SIL go home tomorrow? What's her deal? She leaves and guess what? MIL will cope. Not well and I betcha we have another fall soon. But it is what it is.
BLOCK Sil's texts from your phone. Really. Get her out of your head. Let DH deal with all this. And really, one visit every couple days should be fine. I can't imagine him being able to stand more than that!
Deep sigh--you can deal with this. It's probably a good time to reflect on dad's care, K's care, all the things they've kept secret for you.
I am amazed, once again, by your amazing level of love and care for all these nutjobs. (I mean that kindly) You deserve a spa day that lasts a week!!
Just too weary.
Got to hospital at about 7:30 (in part to avoid rush hour traffic) knowing this CT guided needle biopsy schedule ... anywhere between 9 and 2, I was told.
Well damn that leaves it all wide open!
So they did come get him about 10.
Waited to make sure all was well.
It had been said they'd use that already inserted chest tube to access tissue/mass for biopsy.
The staff person came out to explain how it went.
They did get some good samples. But ..that chest tube, it was no longer in the lung. Dislodged somewhere along the way? Who knows.
So they took it out.
Bit that meant true needle biopsy to access mass. Risk lung collapse again.
So, xray right after procedure... a small area appearing troublesome for above. 2 more xrays done inside of 2 hours and yup ... evidence lung beginning to collapse again.
Back he's gone ... re-insert chest tube.
Had really only planned to stick around for what would've been just a tissue grab thru already inserted tube and since Path wont have results... go on with my day.
But now all this.
And my dads request "hey I'd really like if you can stick around to see this thru with me, if you can"
So, here I still am.
Put MIL out of your hair as her silly/minor incovieniances are just that, attention seeking and emotional terrorism as the say, you don't need to be a party to that. She will soon learn, once SIL is gone, that the world doesn't revolve around her, I Hope, for hubby's sake she figures that out soon!
Praying that you Dad soars through the biopsies without problems, and that he gets a Negative diagnosis and continues on the path of recovery, boy he's been through a rough patch! Rest and relax as you can, and don't forget to eat while he is in recovery! Take care! Ice Cream!!!
I hope you get time for you - pick four hours - turn off the phone - say F-it and go fugue for awhile. Work has been nuts for me - think hamster on the wheel running ever faster and faster, my In Laws, mom, sister have been ever more needy. This past weekend i burned out and crashed - turned off the computer and phone 5pm Friday night until 7am Monday morning and just enjoyed DH and my 10 year old son. Soccer match. Math home work. Cooking. Walk. Being goofy. Talking. Sitting and reading a book. A glass of wine with DH. This week i feel like i'm a new woman. I can focus better at work and am getting the important things done better. My needy ones have found that 48 hours without me - they either can figure it out OR it doesn't need figuring out - it died on its own, OR they found a new patsy.
Take care of you at some point before you burn out. You have a great ability to write comedy - this whole MIL saga - we've been following every installment for 2 years and enjoying tremendously.
Another tough day for your Dad. I’m so sorry to hear that news.
Im glad your Dad asked you to stay by his side and glad you were able to do so. I know he feels awful and I have no doubt he is scared. I kinda have a soft spot for 82 yr old Dad’s that are all beaten up healthwise even if they are being a grump patient.
Bet it’s been another long day....
It's tough enough being sick and confined to a hospital ... but if one is still a dedicated smoker who's now forced to go cold turkey, that adds a whole 'nother layer of pain.
Most hospitals do stock nicotine patches ... but they may not *say* so unless asked, and even then they may hem and haw, even if there's no medical restriction for a particular patient.
If this applies at all, it couldn't hurt to ask if this is possible, considering your Dad's overall condition.
Bestest Vibes from California!
Uunfortunately it's not because I have a wonderful relaxing day ahead. In fact, I am taking SIL and B and Poochy to the airport. They depart today. Then going on to attend to some things that get neglected on my end, with being at the hospital all the time.
I'm worn out. Each day when I get in, I am so tired, seems like I dont have the energy to do anything else.
We'll see how this goes with SIL now departing. On the one hand, it's good. As MIL ... its past time, well past it, she acclimate to her setting and the goings on there and without SIL acting as mouthpiece.
But some it ... i.e. SW suggestion she be at the ready with pen and paper, to capture the name of offending staff. She wont remember that had been advised as a means to address it .. and follow thru.
This I suspect that issue will continue to get airplay with SIL from afar and with DH who will feel summoned to be front and center on that issue with far too much frequency.
It astounds me that suggestion is made as a means to work towards a solution and no one has the knee jerk reaction I do to it (DD and YD both weigh in with the same thought) "she doesn't remember what happened 10 mins ago .. and shes supposed to remember SIL gave her pen & paper, to get a name, not gunna happen".
That and SIL's other most recent concern. Supposed to be showered on Sunday and Wednesday... but absent prompt by SIL it doesn't happen. Advised to check with staff .... perhaps its offered but declined by your mom.
As DH put it: "my sister is going to drive me nuts now that shes at home in IL and not here to do it all .. if she thinks I can step in to see to all like she does, she and i are going to have big problems".
My response to him: but by golly she wanted to be back in her beloved FL ... shes got it. Should have tried harder to persuade she stay in IL for placement where your sister, who seemingly loves and breathes to run this hamster wheel ...could continue doing just that instead of now doing it from afar. But .. I can tell ya one thing ... it's not going to be on my radar ... I've got my dads situation... so dont know what yall do to work it out but looking in my direction... not an option.
So anyway here's hoping I can not be needed today at the hospital .... and handle my world for the day.
SO GLAD that SIL and B are gone.
MIL can sink or swim. That 'list of bad guys' is going to be a no go. She can't remember if she went to the bathroom or not.
Worse, if she DOES start writing down names, heaven forfend that they are all people of color and then--wow, she will NOT get the best care. Sorry, but I have been treated badly because of my religion--really, was 'fired' from a CG job b/c I am a faith this old dude hated. Hey, we live in Utah, dude, you're going to run into a Mormon now and then.
Let DH handle ALL of MIL's woes. You block SIL's texts and have DH fwd you only those which are important to you.
Will your dad now go to a rehab facility for length of time? And will he and K be reinstated in their home with P/T or F/T care? A lot to think about, but the future rolls along so very fast.
This whole saga has been so amazing to have a been a part of. I find you amazing and like a little Energizer Bunny. (I crashed and burned about 5 pm yesterday--couldn't handle the migraine I had. Lucky NOBODY needs me!)
I hope you do get a little break for Mother's Day (the fakest holiday in the annals of fake holidays)---hoping your kids step up.
Deep breaths. And lots of hugs. You done good!!
He is hoping to end up in the same rehab as K.
K however, has done a stint at rehab . and is now graduated .. at least medically .. to where she can go to another arm of their rehab sites .. right around the corner (literally .. could walk from one site to the other), .. the one she is presently in, is a site for those who also have some medical maladies that need attention.
I guess her medical maladies will now have subsided to the point she can go to what is more of just a straight rehab place, walking distance .. but a separate site.
My dad hopes to end up in the same place. No, they won't be able to share a room, but it would sure be nice if they could, in any down time . be wheeled into a commons area .. to visit one another.
I don't know, as to his medical maladies if he'll be sent to the 1st of the above options .. and miss being in the same proximity as K or not. . Just not known yet .. but yes, definitely will be going the route of Rehab next stop, it's just which one .. the one for more medical issues or the one that is just straight rehab.
I guess we'll see, as the days ahead progress forward.
Feeling somewhat guilty if that can be believed. The fact that it's now 3:30 here .. and I've just almost finished with all on my "to do" list for the day.
It's been a while since that's been the case. I have lived the last few weeks it seems in hurry up mode, and never enough time in any given day to get it all done and generally absolutely spent and exhausted and can't do that which awaits me .. as to my "to do" lists.
It's nice to be at this time on the clock and be done . and not worn to a nub. But I feel guilty that my dad .. I know for a fact, .. has had no visitors today . .at all, and not me, certainly.
SIL and B, and Poochy now safely ensconced in a tube of aluminum soaring thru the skies to IL.
Indeed, .. I think it will be good (and a sink or swim yes) as to MIL now not having SIL there as her eyes, ears, mouth, hands, . .back . legs .. brain . you name it. Sink or swim. She needs to, well past time, .. adjust and acclimate to your surroundings and make the best of what it is . it's the only choice she has.
No, it's not gonna do one iota of any good to give her a pen and paper and expectation she will jot down some offender's name .. You're right, she can't even remember if she went to the bathroom.
That one is just as asinine as the other previous issue wherein she was having a bit of a testy time with aides ..
The aides are the ones that pass out meal trays .. same aides that assist with toileting, bathing and any other of a number of things they do.
Invariably . they'd come to pass out a meal tray and that's when MIL would sound off: "Oh . since you're here, will you help me to the bathroom".
This . it sounds like . .agreeable to some who would take the time, I suppose and do the toileting and allow food trays to sit and wait. Some, however, not agreeable to that. And so would chide MIL they cannot, . .cross contamination risk . .and so forth . that she would have to wait until meal trays are complete.
So SIL had gotten the grand idea, as follows: "Mom what you need to do is . you know they start passing out those dinner trays about 5:00 ... when you see it's 4:00 go ahead and ring them to help you to the toilet, get that done and out of the way before they start with dinner trays".
HA!
This person who hasn't managed time in the last few years or more .. yea .. any expectation she can eye the clock and be aware enough .. "oh hey, .. it's 4:00 .. let me ring them for help to the bathroom because soon they will be passing out meal trays".
NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
I hear the above kinda thing go on .. as to any "plan" to address that issue and a bell goes off in my head of .. "I guess I'm the only one on the planet that sees that is about as viable
That's about as viable as telling my almost 2 yo g'daughter to do the same .. no awareness of time management. It wouldn't work with her, . it won't work with MIL. But I guess I'm alone in seeing that beforehand . and so .. that suggestion gets put out there .. and alas .. all for nil, doesn't work.
So I suggest to SIL who was to go to a Care Plan Meeting .. as per what Barb suggested, "Talk to the staff and see if they can put her on a 2 hour rotation that someone is carting her to the potty every 2 hours, needed or not .. go ahead and ask that at the Care Plan Meeting".
Talking to SIL subsequent to that meeting and asking her if she put that out as a request, .. "Oh I forgot to talk to them about that".
Doesn't matter in the end, because the newer complaints have to do with the fact some are not so kind . these aides .. and so she never knows who might be coming to answer to her call, one of the not so kind ones . and as a result . .she now doesn't call them . tries to do on her own . .so .. now .. the more pressing matter is not IF, but WHEN the next big fall and injury happens, because it's coming.
She now isn't calling them as she should be .. she is routinely trying to dress herself on her own . trying to get to the potty alone .. trying to get from chair to bed alone and vice versa . rather than call them.
And SIL has called in everyone from the Prez of the U.S. on down .. into meetings to get this addressed .. that staff . .some of them .. are unkind and uncaring and in fact mean . and as a result . .MIL is now not calling upon them . opting instead to do for herself . when she shouldn't be, and everyone agrees she shouldn't be.
This gets met with, . the powers-that-be there, admin staff, etc .. cautioning her that no . .that is their job to help and they don't want her up and about without assistance and risk injury and if there are offenders . they need to know who . where/when . so it can be addressed . and no, . they want to know it . .so they can correct it . .
MIL then touts that she doesn't want any retribution . thus doesn't speak up as to being the subject of offense .. and so .. just does on her own . without help.
So . the latest will be a fall/injury . I suspect.
I don't intend to go wage that war, at all .. not even a little bit. I doubt seriously that DH will either, but if he cares to do so .. knock yourself out!
SIL here .. running her hamster wheel always .. she will be put in the ground one day .. running a hamster wheel. Her up there, at the Purgatory daily .. and some of those times, all day long .. and being MIL's mouthpiece, arm/legs/brain, etc etc etc .. and so SIL is gone now . back to IL .. and so .. we'll see how it goes.
Interestingly enough .. on the trip to the airport . which I took care of ...
SIL said of her mom and her phone call this morning before she departed:
MIL: (teary) .. "I've lost everything, my home . my dog .. and now you're leaving too".
I have reminded SIL numerous times that when MIL starts this line of talking that she should remind her mom she had every opportunity to stay in IL for placement and have access to poochy . as well as her daughter's hands on care there
I started to remind her again, .. at her mom having said that, but SIL interrupted me.
SIL: Know what she said, . she told me, if she'd of known then what she knows now .. she'd of maybe opted to stay there in IL for placement .. the fact she'd come home and lose everything . her house, her dog . and be stuck in that God Forsaken place .. I told her, .. mom we can't turn back now .. you just have to make the best of it . it's not that bad .. sure there are some that aren't as kind as others .. but . for the most part, the staff there are kind and caring .. so .. just make the best of it .. and speak up if you feel you aren't getting the tx you need".
And now SIL is gone back to IL.
cross contamination and did it not occur to SIL/MIL that other residents might like their meal trays on time and hot? Civility is one thing, but I really don't think a caregiver's job is to waste time blowing bubbles conversationally when other residents need their help. It sure sounds to me like MIL has some very unreasonable entitlement delusions. What I'm trying to say here, is that in fact there may be no real problem with caregivers, just SIL/MIL's perception. And if it's not broke, why try to fix it?
Looking back on the whole saga of MIL... It just feels apparent to me that SIL has/is/will continue doing what she has always done. And this is exactly why she was so frantic to get MIL back to Florida. She never ever intended to assume full-time responsibility for her mother. Not in the years past, and certainly not during these waning years. She laid it on all your family Dorker. (mostly you)
It annoys me some how she has always played the concerned daughter, and the hero - rushing in briefly to assuage her own guilt and to save face. But she has played that game for years! Telling everyone she will someday move to Florida, move MIL in with them (obviously done only briefly and reluctantly due to pressure on your part, Dorker). And then, totally thwarting the rehab process started up there in IL, AND rushing MIL back to FL. That took the cake and shattered her facade as far as I saw it!
Anyway - SIL will obviously fall back into her comfortable "phone hero crisis texting" mode, occasionally rushing to FL to intervene, as she always has. Wringing her hands how "if only" MIL had stayed in IL with her.
But I call BS.
It was SIL who was the orchestrator of the FL move. By design. She never wanted to be the full-time caretaker, and always secretly hoped for fate to step in somehow to prevent that from ever happening. And believe me, she could have told MIL back then in IL that she would never live along again. SIL knew that then! And now she blames it all on MIL? Saving face BS.
SIL sure made noises thru the years that would be the path. At one time, .. a plan (quasi) of selling out in IL to move to FL for their golden years, .. dashed in the end. A "plan" then .. or mention thereof along the way, .. that they'd spend time in FL in caring for her on site here, .. then off they'd all go for a portion of the year in IL, to care for her there on site. That too dashed. Attempted along the way, .. SIL and B here to initiate just that kinda thing, a few years back for what was to be a stay of several months, . when B went Manic .. and that whole scene, more than MIL can stomach and deal with . .and she was really pretty ugly to SIL's husband .. (as if he can help it that he goes manic at times).
SIL then realizing that any hope of the above plan .. really going to be ore problematic than she'd hoped it would be.
In the end, .. as we know .. it was (really mine) insistence that she be carted outta here for hurricane season . .and I did have to DIG IN MY HEELS ON THAT ONE .. to get DH on board and then .. ultimately it did happen (reluctantly) on everyone's part. MIL carted to IL out of harm's way for hurricane season here and beyond .. and in SIL's care in her home in IL. That then brought about the much needed change that SIL could see for herself, her mother's care .. far too great for one person, around the clock, to endure. I agree!
I don't get it, and maybe I never will, unless I too live to be almost 90 years old .. but MIL .. wouldn't "hear" of it, staying in IL for placement, .. absolutely NOT. Wanted to be returned to FL. It's too cold there (what the h377 difference does it make as to how cold it is there, when you don't go outside, and are no longer in charge of your own affairs and in and out to see to your affairs daily .. she isn't in and out even here . .other than to go sit outside in the courtyard in her wheelchair, something that yes .. cannot be done in IL in the throes of winter . but definitely can be done spring and summer there). But she wouldn't HEAR OF IT .. staying there, it's too cold there. "These aren't our kinda people here" .. she's referring to a lot of immigrants from Eastern bloc countries in that area.
I don't know, .. maybe I'll understand that sentiment if I live long enough .. but I don't get that piece of it all either. Yes, perhaps language barrier .. as to thick dialect/accents .. but .. she doesn't "mix and mingle" even with the folks in the site she's in .. so .. "not our kinda people" has any bearing how?
Personally, I think she gambled and lost the bet. She "thought" .. if I can just get back to my beloved FL .. then SIL will stay and be at my side, . and take care of me in my beloved home with all my precious "things" and my much adored Poochy .. and life will be grand.
She lost that bet.
As she now puts it, with far too much frequency. "I've lost everything .. my home that I love so much, my dog .. everything, .. and I'm stuck in this God forsaken place".
I think she was disagreeable to staying in a site in IL . in the hopes she'd arrive back in FL to her minions doing her bidding into infinity. She found out otherwise.
DH has posed more than once, what would the picture have looked like, had SIL moved here to FL .. her living mere miles away .. and us also living mere miles away. Would she then have been able to stay in her home, with each of us coming and going . and doing duty on that front. My answer to him each time, has been, "not that I can see no . she needs meds administered, she is a fall risk, . she doesn't take care of herself, . she doesn't hydrate/eat .. unless coaxed which requires on site coaching, she gets sick w/too much frequency, is incontinent, no .. I don't see how 2 folks coming and going .. could've worked that at all".
Was interesting and pointed out to DH .. she is complaining of late, .. incontinence, urinary . resulting from (but any given time, it can be fecal or urinary and with no real basis too) . but as of lately . she is back on the Lasix .. and that is causing urinary incontinence. I reminded DH ... (because he seems to forget such things) .."if you remember, back when she lived alone, . she didn't take her Lasix as she should .. resulting in edema that sometimes was then going to Cellulitis .. and .. requiring multiple doc visits .. and their cautioning the importance of the Lasix regiment . and/or support hose, etc etc etc .. ad nauseum .. and all to no avail . and her hesitancy to take it . the very thing we're seeing . the urinary incontinence ... at least now, those pills are doled out to her, as are her others . and taken routinely ... and the edema no longer at issue .. and if there is incontinence as a result, .. staff to deal with clean up .. that's just how it has to be".
And also of note .. at DH's visit last night. I guess MIL needing to get to the potty there. He had her press the nurse button (doesn't seem to be her default unless prompted, .. she is . her go to is to do it herself). No one came, .. and at about 3 or 4 mins of waiting .. she starts ambling that way in her wheelchair . and so . he escorting to see about assisting . and helping her to get to an upright position . and he departed after she got "up" . which is a feat unlike any other, for her to struggle to do (as he put it, I see how she chits herself, the strain).
Helping her to get upright . helping her to pivot .. from a standing position .. and then he exited the potty room, but left the door just ajar.
From his vantage point . door cracked . he could only see her arm .. (I guess not wanting the full frontal view of his mom on the commode) .. and no one forthcoming even still, now at about 8 mins or so into having pressed nurse button .. and so . from his vantage point . all he could see was her arm. He states that he could tell there was more than just pee'ing going on .. (I guess sound effects, I don't know, I didn't ask) .. and he could then see that time for clean up .. wiping . and he could see that .. she haphazard .. attempt at wiping and the contents of said action . tossed onto the floor .. (rather than in the commode, . and I don't think that's carelessness on her part, more of a spatial issue perhaps) ...
All of this to report, .. as he put it, .. "there is no way she adequately wiped herself up from that . no way .. I could see from where I was, I could see her arm .. but that's all .. but I know .. she couldn't have adequately wiped up her rear end .. no way . not from what I saw".
I asked, .. "did you go into the hall or nurse desk, to find out why on one had come".
Him: "I stepped out into the hall and towards the nurse desk and didn't see a soul to even ask".
Me: "Did you go in and offer to help clean her up .. ".
Him: "NO! NO! ........... I didn't do that".
Me; "did you go into the hall after all was said and done to prompt someone that when she gets changed from clothing to PJ's .. they might want to offer to clean her up a bit better".
Him: "No .. after all that, she wheeled back over towards her bed and said she was ready to lay in her bed . and so then the struggle began .. to get out of the chair .. and that was unsuccessful after numerous strains and attemps . she grabs ahold of that bed rail and pulls and pulls and struggles . trying to pull against it, to get herself "up" to then get into her bed .. and she can't do it .. she just can't do it . not strong enough .. and so I helped her .. I just grab her under her arms and lift her up . and she sits on the bed .. and then I help her to get her legs/feet up onto the bed and then she turns and gets into the bed".
Me: "In her clothes? Was she in her PJ's".
Him: "No, she was in her clothes . she said she'd have them help her
She said she'd have them help her in a little bit to change into her PJ's .. so I told her to have them check out her bottom and maybe clean it up a bit .. because she didn't wipe herself very good .. ".
Me: "No one had come even at that point?".
Him: "No"
Me: "I know the last time I was by there to visit her, she said she just slept in her clothes one night, rather than call them to help her change into PJ's .. so .. who knows if they ever came".
A shrug of shoulders from DH, if that.
I don't know that if I was there, I'd of hunted high and low to get someone in there to help. All of this sounds like it took maybe about 10 or so minutes or more, and no one ever came, at all.
I don't know, didn't ask DH .. did her arthritic weak fingers even depress the nurse button successfully, did you check that? I didn't ask him.
She reports that they are "on her" about getting out of her room, to "engage" .. and go to the dining room, go to the Bingo or whatever. Her response to that, to DH: "I don't want to go and sit with all those slumpers and be around all that". They are apparently "on her" .. to get her to engage and be out of her room, chiding her for staying in her room all the time (sans when SIL was there daily and would wheel her out to the courtyard).
As I shared with DH: "Talking to the pastor's wife (she goes to visit her . along with her husband on occasion) .. she asked me, does she have any friends that visit .. is she making any friends there? I told the pastor's wife . that no . it's been an ongoing issue with w/her all thru the years . that she hasn't wanted anything to do with "those old people" .. and it's like you want to say to her, .. "what are you? You're old too . what ..??.. you think you're 17 years old . you're old too". No .. she's been isolated for years and years .. her disdain for "those old people" and not wanting to mingle amongst them . some kind of denial . I don't know. The pastors wife said to me, . there have got to be some folks there that are more like her .. maybe have their witts about them .. kinda like her . but their body is failing them .. not just those that sit slumped over and out of it . there have got to be some there that are more like her, . how will she ever find them .. if she stays in her room?".
I don't know, but I can't fix it and I'm done trying. If she wants to continue to isolate as she's always done . it's her life.
As the pastor's wife put it, .. "she's responsible for her own happiness or lack thereof . she has to find a way to acclimate there . and get on with life as she knows it . or .. not".
Me:: "probably "not" will be the approach taken, always has been".
I know presently the thing that makes my blood boil on that front . even hearing it, . is the ever present hope in all of them .. SIL/MIL/DH . that things can progress to the point of AL rather than a SNF as is presently the setting.
It seems there are some AL's out there . that indeed .. will offer ... can't ambulate well enough to get to the dining room, .. we'll come help you (so they say) .. can't ambulate well enough to bathe and dress yourself, we'll come help you (so they say) .. that kinda thing. These places will "sell" you the sun/moon and stars, . what the reality is .. is a different matter.
But again, done fighting this battle .. I don't even go there anymore. "FOLKS .. they can "TELL YOU" anything you wanna hear .. if she needs help with all that and is incontinent and unaware of such . and preautionary as to Depends on her own .. and all the above, she NEEDS SNF .. not AL ............... what in the H3&& is wrong with you people that you even think an AL setting can at all be sufficient".
I don't go there anymore.
I don't know that she'll ever get strong enough to be up and ambulatory . that in and of itself is gonna be a feat that may be impossible .. but even if she somehow