I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
BB: What about stepmother?! What about this and that?
Dorker: I don't know. I'm not involved in that. You should ask stepsister.
BB: What are you going to do about ___?
Dorker: Nothing. I'm not involved in that. You should ask stepsister.
(rinse and repeat)
Nobody's at fault here. We just have to figure out how to talk to and operate around/over/in spite of our families.
My Dh's sis is a wonderful, loving person. Truly good and kind.
And late to everything. Not just 10-15 minutes, but from 1/2 hr to 3 hours. Food assignments? Don't ask her to ever bring anything but dessert. Restaurants? Tell them the reservations are a solid hour before they really are. We've often eaten w/o them and they never show up at all. We walked into her home on Thanksgiving once and she was PUTTING THE 20LB TURKEY IN THE OVEN. Uh, we ate everything BUT turkey. It was actually kind of funny.
In 46 years of knowing her, I have never seen her be on time to anything. I find it incredibly annoying and thoughtless, DH just says "oh, she's just being her". But this habitual lateness has caused us to miss flights, the opening piece of a symphony, movies, weddings... you name it.
So--who changed and made this 'work'? Me. I plan around knowing full well they will not be on time to anything and plan around them. Nothing is ever said about the incredible rudeness---we all just know J will be late. Very. More than once the party is over and the tables out away and they show up with dessert. You'd think she'd get a clue, but nope.
I don't think BB is trying to make you crazy. I think her heart is in the right place. Knowing now that she has no family, you realize that she has had no 'training' in this dynamic. You can be an example to her. She's trying. Maybe not the way you'd want, but at least she's THERE.
You actually will need her help in the future months, so how about cutting her some slack? Be grateful for what she can do and a little forgiving for what she can't. Be the family she so longs for.
What XenaJada said--listen to her, repeat it back to her, so she knows you're listening and then maybe ask her to do something within her wheelhouse of capability. Don't rise to any bait. I don't think she means bad. She just doesn't KNOW how to be an in-law....a role that nothing in the world prepares you for.
Good luck in the coming week. I hope you have a nice Mother's Day. You've had plenty of work being a 'mother' this year!!
There's good reason that she isn't here .. she doesn't "Know my dad" that well. As I said before, .. she has only been in his proximity a handful of times since she's been a part of my brother's world .. the 5 years she's been on the scene.
Maybe she does "care" .. simply by extension of the fact she loves my brother and those he cares for. But .. when she poses a scenario, question, etc. .. and it's answered ... whether she likes the answer or not, .. some humility on her part, might go a lot farther in getting me to be a little more understanding of her.
Humility in .. maybe accepting the complications she hears of . and taking them for what they are .. and not pushing back .. and continuing to push her agenda/questions. Just stop. Just realize, . there are folks that have been a part of this scene far longer than you have ... far far longer and so the likelihood those folks (me and my brother) know the inner workings of these people and their various oddities ... it's real high that we know, and you don't, .. so just stop it.
That and my brother's weirdness .. of asking is there a reason I don't loop her in. WTH is that? I mean it. I have n.e.v.e.r., not one time, asked of him, "gee, I see you send me this info, .. and I don't see that you are looping DH in, is there a reason for that?".
It never even occurred to me that he should do that .. to even ask that of him. I just presume .. in my world .. if my DH needs to know of anything .. I can relay that to him and I do so. That simple.
I'm quite sure in him, . is a "want" that his wife be "accepted/embraced" etc .. and maybe that's part of his motivation . that she and I, (and others in the family) build a rapport with her .. and bring her into the fold and make her a part of things .. and become friends with her.
It's not going to happen. It just isn't. I don't particularly like her ... and I'm not alone in that sentiment .. so .. might help dear brother if you'd stop trying to shove her down everyone's throats. You love her, grand .. splendid .. glad for ya . doesn't mean others do.
Another example of BB at work .. where she tries to "control" ... and it really puts a bee in my bonnet as they say.
Back around the New Year, we had a big family trip planned .. all the family to gather in a central location .. for the long weekend .. and a camping trip.
We had long since, .. since it got on the radar .. planned there would be some community meals among all of us gathering together. It was decided .. somewhere along the line that the next generation . not my generation . not my mom's .. that the kids of us all .. now grown themselves kids of their own .. that they be the ones to plan the meals and designate who brings what to the meals.
I'd been at my mom's for Tgiving as was brother and BB for same. The above was being discussed .. as to the upcoming New Year trip . .and the meal planning topic came up wherein BB stated she'd been asked to bring "x, y and z".
She then asked, .. "who's bringing _____ and _____?".
I responded that I didn't know, that's the department of so and so .. she's the one planning it all .. she and her cousins .. you'd have to ask them.
That was met with a roll of the eyes .. as if the folks designated to this task (the next generation) aren't up to the task .. and we will have on our hands some kind of incomplete .. disaster of a meal .. with them at the helm. You could read the disgust/disdain in her facial expression at the above dialogue.
I then responded, .. "I don't really care, .. if we end up with 4 trays of baked beans and nothing else, we'll just deal with it .. ".
BB: "Well, I mean .. it'd be nice to know that we have some cohesion to it all, is someone bringing paper products . like plates, cups/napkins . utensils .
Is someone bringing beverages .. I mean I'd be glad to do it if no one has been assigned that, but I've only been asked to bring "x, y and z" .. so I guess they have that covered, I don't know.
Me: "Well if not, there's a store not too far away .. we can always grab that once we're there, not worried about it".
My mom then chiming in: "I think it's great . yes . hand off the baton to the next generation . let them start planning these things .. it's their turn .. this is how they learn .. so we show up and it wasn't thoroughly thought through .. so we deal with it . not that big a deal".
BB: Well I guess I just question whether they have all the bases covered and whether they have it all planned out like they should, having never done that before".
<<Sigh .. what part of "I dont' really care" did you not hear me say>>
At that point I just reiterated what my mom said, .. "I for one, think it's great ... I don't have to do it, plan the meal and who is bringing what .. I guess if it bothers you, you can reach out to that group and see if they have all the bases covered .. it doesn't really bother me, I'm not losing any sleep over it".
<<now of course, because I'm not giving her what I presume she wants . which is to jump all into what I have previously agreed w/these folks is theirs to handle, and I'm not gonna do that .. I've backed out of it . deferring to that generation to handle it, I'm not gonna try to micromanage it from afar .. they told me what they want me to bring ... I hadn't asked any questions as to what else is on the menu and who is bringing it, and did you guys think about someone to bring _________ and ______ and who got that assignment. I'm not gonna do it, .. and I presume that maybe that's what she wanted .. was for me to jump in it all, or my mom maybe .. and give her some assurance, having talked to and micromanaged the folks assigned the task .. and give her a better read for what is being asked of each party. I wasn't going to do it .. and so I put the onus on her, if it's bothering you .... reach out to them .. I'm sure they'll share that info w/ya.
Oh now . now that she can see, I'm not gonna take that ball and run with it, now here is her response.
BB: "oh well I mean it's not that big a deal .. if you guys trust them to be able to put it all together .. then I'll go with that too".
<<<GOOD.. so why all this pushback .. leave it the h377 alone or take the ball and run with it yourself>>>
That kinda thing .. controlling. She "controls" my brother .. very very much so . and he's obviously quite content with that set up .. I am not. You want to control me, . we're gonna have an issue.
Same as with the chicken soup to the hospital. Some humility as to the answer given there. Bring chicken soup to the hospital . and then find the staff aren't going to warm it for ya .. be that cuz they don't wanna .. or because their hospital protocol mandates they not do so . whatever .. take the onus on yourself then . and go to the hospital cafeteria as I suggested more than once, and warm it up . if it's that important to you . but stop with the disdain and disgust at the staff/hospital . and their pushback on it all. Just because you find it "important" that somehow that chicken soup make it's way to my dad's gullet .. doesn't mean anyone else will .. so .. important to you . then figure out how to address it .. or let it go .. and do it with humility.
I just .. so many examples of dealing with her .. and her "control" or attempts thereof .. I could cite many.
She's not ever gonna be a bestie in my world, . in spite of my brother's .. perhaps .. want for that. Not gonna happen. And I'm not alone in that either .. no one really cares for her, and distances themselves from her.
It's like she feels responsible for how the world runs, AND actually prides herself on her forceful methods of getting her way. (cause only her way makes things work right, of course...) There is just NO pleasing her and she is incapable of delegating things.
I actually feel sorry for this family member of mine, as her own head does make her miserable and drives people away, yet she seems to have no self-awareness as to why she is so unhappy.
My lesson to myself from her is to try to remember to not offer solutions to problems that are not mine, but to simply ask "What can I do to help?" Perhaps you could start suggesting some things directly to BB, if nothing else but to divert her focus? Like - hey BB, can you make and freeze a whole bunch of that chicken soup Dad loves for when he gets home? (or whatever task you can sic her on that might actually help you guys out?)
You can't change BB. So roll with it. She's not perfect, neither is anybody in this scenario.
Sounds like she just really wants a family, like I said before.
Having been the 'outlaw' in my DH's family for 43 years---it hurts when your best effort, however misjudged or misguided it may be, is rebuffed, or worse, made fun of.
Nobody taught me how to be an in law. It's like joining a secret society or something. Rules you don't understand, the roll of the eyes when you 'screw up'.
I think that accepting that BB is in your life and doesn't mean harm, actually probably wants to help--give her some set assignments--the soup idea is great!
Instead of being upset she's kind of a control freak--well, honestly, the world NEEDS a few control freaks. Nothing would get done. Seriously. It's us control freaks who magically make gifts appear and parties happens and wedding receptions go smoothly.
Just cut her a little slack. (I guess I am seeing myself in her a little much). You are operating on def-con10 right now--high stress. Let some of that be BB's, if you can, the minutiae.
Hope this week is better for you and things calm down.
I have to hand it to you to want to go camping. That is not my idea of fun unless it was with the funniest, happiest people on earth. Some of this family doesn't fit this description in my mind. I hope camping is over for you with them given all the arrangements that have to be considered and dissected by them or mainly this SIL. You did not win the lottery with SIL's.
I am almost afraid to ask how Mothers Day went with MIL but then we are mainly warriors here so therefore the question.
I hope you can continue to help your father and just grey rock BB. All that you have stated about your feelings on looping her in make perfect sense. I would just tell your brother that your caregiving plate has been overflowing for a good two years now. That includes the positive aspect of watching your grandchildren. You don't have the time or energy to meet his needs about the inclusion of his wife being in on every call. He will have to take notes and relay information to his wife. You can't take this into consideration with every call you make to him. He is fortunate you can even make the call.
My BB sil, who is also a compulsive liar and a muck stir-er, has been married to my brother for about 25 years. A long time, right? Well, not compared to my other sil - who was my childhood best friend. We were as close as sisters for over 12 years. But then she started dating my oldest brother and things got complicated. They married as soon as she turned 18. Still - she’s the closest thing I’ve had to a sister and even though we are no longer best friends - I still love her like a sister. Just not a close sister.
Both my sil’s tend to be bossy and overbearing. Definitely some Freud at work there, on my brothers part, I suspect.
Still, I can deal with the friend/sil much better. Partly because I’ve known her since I was three yrs old and partly because she isn’t a pathological liar like the other sil.
Still, when I was clearly expected to be the one - and only - caretaker of our parents, I told both brothers I would not be dealing with their wives in regards to our parents care. I told them to not have their wives calling me for updates and information - and on the flip side, that I would not be passing information along via the sil’s. Period. Edit: This was mainly to avoid just my BB sil but I figured fair is fair so I applied it to both.
When our parents passed away - and I was executor of their wills I restated the parameters - X 10. Period.
If you really cant deal with BB, why not have a direct conversation with your brother about it. State your parameters. You don’t need to be mean or hurtful - just be clear and direct. You’d rather just have him on the phone when discussing your parents - it feels awkward otherwise and it makes you uncomfortable. Tell him you’ve no problem with him then sharing whatever information with his wife.
I dont know. I just find all that pussyfooting around irritating and a waste of time and energy. For me, direct and honesty sprinkled with kindness is always best. But maybe that’s just me.
We did go to the nursing home that MIL resides in, to attend the little church service there, with her. Wheeled her outside, to be outdoors for a little while and visit. Then back in at lunch time, to her room, for her meal tray and then for her to open the card we brought and a little bag of jelly beans (one of her faves) .. and visited a while longer and we left.
DH and myself went to a restaurant I've been wanting to try for a brunch and enjoyed that a lot. It's a feat to get this creature of habit outside his "box" to go somewhere "new". He likes the same old tried and true standards of the few places we routinely frequent. So, just the fact, there was no balking and away we went to try this new place, was a gift for sure. We enjoyed it.
Then back home, for what I wanted to be an afternoon of napping and snoozing watching a few programs on tv that I've recorded. Not to be. DD & crew wanted to drop by to give me a card, visit for a while, . they stayed a little longer than I'd of liked (not relaxing when two year olds are running amok) .. and no sooner than they left, .. OD came to visit (she doesn't come around a whole lot) .. she stopped in and visited til it got to be about dark. So I finally got to turn on the tv after she left .. and relax .. til it was time to catch up on some laundry .. (I know, not the thing to do . supposed to enjoy the day .. but not when you are anal like me, and the laundry note keeps playing like a ticker tape in your brain to get it done .. ya don't . .ya just get up and go get it done cuz you can't relax til you do).
I didn't go see my dad at all, figuring one parcel of the day given out to geriatric duty was enough (the earlier visit with MIL at the nursing home).
BUT ...................
Had a call from my dad . about the time OD left .. he all frantic .. I guess he has a hard time maybe processing the goings on (this formerly known to be extremely intelligent articulate man). Seems they'd been in .. some doctor . and talk of a "minor" surgical procedure for perhaps today to close that open hole in his lung, . .this causing him all kinds of kerfuffle . .and consternation. Me not there to sort thru the details of same. Assured him I'd see what I can do and put in a call to the nurse desk, request to speak to the MD, which I did do. No MD ever called me back. I did call the nurse desk sometime later to ask why there'd been no phone call from an MD . on the topic above and was told the procedure had been put on hold for now, would not proceed tomorrow (which would've been today) .. so I asked the nurse to impart that to my dad . and that I'd see him today .. and that was that.
So then fast forward to today, arrived on site to visit dad. He is grouchy as all get out .. and I suppose that maybe means he is feeling better in a sense . has enough sense at this point to be mean .. rather than just lay there.
So anyway, arrive there and find out (not from dad, .. I guess he's out to lunch on such things) . he'd had a CT scan bright and early this morning ... to look at that hole in his lung to see if there is improvement or decide on said minor surgical procedure ..
I knew to ask if he'd had an xray (he does routinely, daily, to look at that hole) .. and he confirmed he'd had an xray but never mentioned a CT.
That was told to me by the nurse. I asked the nurse if any results were in and he stated the CT shows slight decrease in the air space from the collapsed lung, which means there is improvement, ever so slight but improvement. And so the stance, . wait til chest xray and pulmonary consult .. and get further word.
Imparted that info to my dad .. and soon after the attending MD visited . and so talking with that doc briefly about his lungs and the fact CT shows clearer bronchial spaces .. and that the air in his lungs .. from the prior bronchoscope had all cleared, shown on CT.
The nurse had also, earlier, imparted to me that the oncologist had been by looking for me, (I wasn't in yet) . and to tell me, when I do come that she will try to come back .. wanted to talk to me. My dad still doesn't know the news on that front, . doesn't want to know . and we all agree .. at least thus far, let him get stronger . and thus I guess the reason the oncologist was looking for "me" specifically, can't talk to him, so I'm the next best thing.
I told the nurse I'd be there a while, if he has any way to impart that to the oncologist who maybe can come back, he said he'd do so. Nurse came in to let me know she'd try to get back (the oncologist) when she can.
Soon after Pulmonary doc came in and more dialogue on this supposed minor surgical procedure and my drawbacks on that .. (it's my approach these things will close on their own . or should . and so I question any need for another "minor" procedure at all . and so wanted to talk on that topic) .. Further, trying to pin this doc on why no one from their group called me back yesterday after 2 attempts . which of course, he couldn't answer, he wasn't the one there.
But the long and short of that discussion .. yes, a wait and see approach . there is slight improvement as shown in the CT scan and so another xray will be done tomorrow AM as is done every AM . and if all goes well, .. chest tube maybe can be taken out tomorrow, .. the chest tube was clamped off today .. on purpose, to watch for whether or not that hole increases .. and if it does, then the surgical procedure may be necessary . .which of course, I also raised a bit of a pushback on .. "Why do you folks not call me .. my number is plainly written right there on the board, he asks that you do so . and has asked me to act on his behalf, I can't do that if you folks don't talk to me".
I questioned that doc on why my dad doesn't have a spirometer . is that not helpful at all in his situation . and no, . .it would help him, . he'd make sure he gets one . and asked the doc on purpose . .in my dad's presence . because I think he needs to ambulate more . PT comes and he refuses . generally ..
I know he can't do much .. but even sitting on the side of the bed to do some leg exercises would be more than he's doing presently and might help .. .at least from what I know about oxygenating his muscles some with some movement .. so I asked the doc about that in my dad's presence and yes, .. doc encouraged that he do so . when PT comes and if not . then he can certainly lay in the bed and move his legs back and forth, work his feet in circles . etc . .if nothing else.
So with that knowledge, I then got the spirometer and had him work that a few times as I stayed on there, waiting for an oncologist to come . so I could visit with her .. and had him do some leg movements (push back on his part, but so what).
I scooted out to run to the cafeteria to grab a sandwich . and told the nurse if the oncologist comes, I have my phone, call me.
Turned out when I got back, the oncologist had come .. looking for me, but didn't want to call me (?) . said to tell me she'd be back at 3:30 if I could wait that long.
I hadn't intended to, but figured it was now 2 .. I'll wait.
Oncologist never came. I left at 4:30. PIZZED.
But pizzed also because ................... about the oncologist . but also . as follows:
Had gotten a text from BB earlier in the day asking me for an email .. would I forward to her an email in question .. something my dad had sent to us eons back about my brother and I being beneficiaries as to his investment account. We'd been sent this email from my dad years back . I still have it . the email .. my brother does not. That had been established in earlier conversation with my brother and BB when they visited here on of the two times they've come. My brother no longer has that email, I stated that I still do, .. they asked if I'd forward it to them . and I
And I forgot and didn't do so.
Got a text from BB today:
BB: Hey Dorker, that email we talked about where your dad had named you and your brother as beneficiaries to his investment account .... your brother has an appt this week to get his will updated . and I wanted to be sure he has that, can you forward that to his email at so and so".
At that moment I was busy .. and answered her, "will do it as soon as I have a chance".
I did, .. when I later had the opportunity .. I looked it up in my email and forwarded it to his email and texted her that I'd sent it.
Got a phone call in the interim from stepsister who is at home with her mom . and said the Lung Institute (doc office) called, that there is an appt for my dad to be seen there day after tomorrow ..
HUH?!??!?! He is still inpatient . why/who . scheduled an appt for him . Ok, what's the info I'll call them and cancel it, which I did do.
So then the afternoon wanes on .. me dealing with grouchy dad . and his pushback everytime I hand him the Spirometer which is about once an hour . and every time I encourage that he moved his legs again .. from his laying position.
This was sometime later when it occurred to me .. hey .. I think my brother mentioned last time I talked to him that he'd be driving up on Monday after work . to see dad (it had already torqued the chit out of me in texting BB when she said they'd talked to dad the night before on the phone and found him in good spirits . . he is NOT in good spirits he is mean and grouchy and I've imparted to my brother in prior conversation why it is he isn't getting that same read when he talks to dad on the phone, which is all he can seemingly do . even though he only lives about 1 1/2 hours away . .not clear across the damn country).
It occurred to me . hey I think when I last talked to my brother . he'd mentioned coming this way to visit dad after work on Monday .. I probably need to let him know, if he's coming this way . this new regiment so he can reinforce it, .. Spirometer and move your legs some.
So reached out to BB.
Me: "Hey do you know? Last time I talked to my brother he mentioned something about coming this way Monday after work, .. ??... I think ..???.... not sure . do you know if he's coming here after work?".
BB: "No . we did that last week . .when he got off work and didn't get home til about 10:30 . made for a long day for him".
Oh that burned me slap damn up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I only answered her: "Tell ME about long days!!!!!!!!!!!!". Nothing more.
When you figure DD put out there .. for them to consider .. can they put aside a day . to come this way and spend the day so her mom can be free of going there to see to the things she wants to do without stressing herself out . and there's never been any response at all to DD's request. Nothing, crickets.
And for her to come back with . "no . we did that last week and we didn't get home til 10:30 .. made for a long day".
Oh I was P.I.Z.Z.E.D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only reason I inquired was because I was pretty sure he'd said that he'd be coming Monday after work. There is a new regiment at this point . dad needs to do the Spirometer . and once an hour at least . and he needs to be moving those legs some .. sit up on the side of the bed or the chair would be even better, but he's not gonna do it . but at least move your legs .. so I'd wanted him to reinforce that when he comes .. thinking he'd be coming.
But no BB her highness .. said that it makes too long a day for him. Kiss my azz with this Long Day business. My days every day are long azz days .. spent with this stuff .. and the best they can do is about a 2 hour visit if that . the two times they've made their way the 1 1/2 hours it takes to get here.
FURIOUS.
After I left the hospital . I took a few moments to text my brother today's update .. (since they seem to find him in such good spirits when talking to him on the phone) .. and wanted to let him know . about the whole uproar over what would have been a minor surgical procedure that may still be, but not likely . we'll just have to wait and see, and the reasons why . and texted him the info to "keep him in the loop" (said with as much smart azz tone of voice I can muster) .. I texted him the facts, and nothing more as to today's news and finished it, "that's all the info I have for the day .. and am shutting it off now, have a good evening" . and that was that.
Had imparted to my brother in that text .. "dad is not .. as you describe him to be, in good spirits . quite the contrary .. but I've told you my thoughts previously on that".
My brother answered .. with some psychobabble about anger being the underlying emotion to fear/helplessness, . blah blah blah .. who gives a rat's azz ..
I haven't responded and I won't.
Raise h377 with me because I don't keep him in the loop. FOR WHAT?
So you're in the loop .. I don't wanna hear your psychobabble .. especially when you can't make it happen to bring your sorry azz this way and spend the day with him working the different modalities of specialists that come and go and the reasons why .. and working with dad and his grouchy demeanor .. just keep your damn psychobabble to yourself . don't need it.
I haven't responded.
And then I get home and find that DH is at the nursing home with his mom who is experiencing lower abdominal pain . awaiting a nurse to check things out.
GOD WHEN WILL ALL THIS LET UP ON US?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?
Sounds like you're in the eye of the storm, so to speak. It seems like when it rains, it pours. Hugs, try to get some rest when you can. I know with everything you've got going on it's not easy.
Stuff like this just chaps my hide! My BIL hit my husband up hours after his back surgery, for a copy of their moms death certificate! What a great time to ask for that! And when my husband said he would have me text him a copy, BIL had the nerve to say he prefers a scanned & emailed copy. WTF? Wrong damn time to ask for that! My hubby was doped up and never relayed the message to me, I saw the messages the following day when texting hubbys friend for him. But even if he had, wrong damn time buddy! I had enough on my plate without having to find the damn DC and figure out where to go to “scan & email” him a copy! The nerve of some people!
why does your husband have to be at the nursing home with MIL? Ok she has abdominal pain, I hope it’s nothing serious. But why does that require him to be there? Is this normal when someone is in a nursing home or is this because it’s your MIL and one of her kids must drop everything & rush to her side? every time she’s got an ache or a pain? Kind of defeats the purpose of being in a nursing home .
I feel for you and your Dad. I hope you both get some better days soon.
It flew all over me, only because .. my feeling is .. "ya know, he has time to go sit down w/an attorney for getting his will in order, but the best he can do here is the 2 hours if that . that he drives up this way to visit .. and the only 3 x's it's happened in as many weeks this has been going on .. he can only manage these brief little visits . oh but he has time to go meet with an attorney at this point to worry with getting his own will done ... I don't have time to go to the effing damn bathroom . when I need to .. but you've got time to go meet with an attorney!".
That coupled with .. I'm sick to death of hearing from my brother .. I guess his own self justification in not being on site here more or for longer visits .. "Dad sounds great, sounds upbeat".
B'chit .. that is NOT at all what I am experiencing in being on site there all the time, not even close! And I've said as much to my brother each time he says that.
I guess maybe if he can sell himself on "Dad sounds great, sounds upbeat" . then he can pat himself on the back for not needing to be here. Kiss my azz! I am sick of it. I really am. I have said as much to him, that he is not "doing great, sounds upbeat". He is sick/weak .. I don't know how it is that my brother comes away from phone conversations "he sounds great, sounds upbeat" .. I don't know how he is hearing that ..
But anyway .. more to the story as the evening waned on. . So I sent the text to him .. earlier .. just the facts as I knew them from the day as to the goings on .. my goal there . .. I was already pretty seething and furious that BB would say of any notion I had that my brother may have mentioned coming this way after work on Monday .. her response of, "We did that last week and didn't get home until after 10:30 .. made for a long day for him".
OH THAT HAD BURNED ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was all I could do to not just literally blow up at her. But I withheld and didn't, but I was seething.
Who says that to the person who is doing this duty day in and day out . ."made for a long day for him". WTH?!?!?!??! Long days??????????? You don't know a long day!
Oh I was furious . it had already aggravated me earlier but that one I took the hit on the chin . .we'd talked about this a couple of weeks ago and yes I have the email, yes I'll send it . but I never did. So that one, I just figured, "Well Dorker, if you'd of sent it .. like you said you would, then she wouldn't be bothering you about it".
So I didn't blast her for that one, but it did aggravate me.
But then later in the day her response that it had been too long a day for him. That one .. after the one above .. I was seething now.
So what I did was text my brother 'just the facts' .. as I knew them as to "looping him in to the days' events". And ended the text with the fact that I'm done for the day .. signing off/clocking out.
The reason/goal there was to .. avoid having to deal with them . and send what I info I have . to "LOOP HIM IN MY GOD" .. and dispense with having to deal with either of them any further for the day.
He sent back a return text thanking me, but then went into the psychobabble of anger being an emotion displayed by those who feel helpless and so forth .. and I never responded to it.. .I don't need his damn psychobabble .. too tired, .. don't care.. Didn't respond.
But then in a little while after that I get a text from him, reads about as follows:
Brother: "Thanks for getting that email out to me earlier today I know you have more than enough to deal with and I appreciate it .
Brother goes on to say: "On another note . we need to talk to dad at some point about this diagnosis . he can't just keep putting it off .. he is deflecting and ducking and dodging .. and it's important this info get imparted to him . not now . but soon and I hope you will understand that we need to do that at a time that I can be a part of that conversation . he can't keep kicking the can down the road".
FOLKS . that was it, the straw that broke the camel's back.
No, my dad doesn't yet know of the cancer dx .. and the oncologist concurs with me, he's too sick/weak to process much about it all right now anyway .. and there's nothing that can be done in the here and right now any way with it all, we don't have the complete picture, until he can get strong enough (and he isn't at present) to do an outpatient PET scan for staging . if any .. and the approach to be taken hinges on that .. and so .. no need to impart this info .. not at this point .. ".
All of this has been explained to my brother who can only seemingly call my dad . .and then report to me how he "sounds good, sounds upbeat" .. not on site here, that's me, that's on site here, not him. I have told my brother more than once, the approach that is being taken at present . and agreed upon by the healthcare folks dealing with him .. I've explained it.
My feeling .. if you were actually HERE on site .. as I am . maybe you'd get a better feel for how sick he is .. and the fact there is no pressing need to impart this info . not right now . .but that's right . you're not here, . not even on a Saturday or a Sunday even .. that's right . . whatever it is in your world that's so pressing that the best you can do is a phone call . and then report to me how upbeat he sounds even though I'm telling you as the person hands on here . that is not what I'm experiencing . but .. you're not here .. to see it.
I got that text from him some time later, after the one explaining psychobabble that I don't care to hear.
It flew all over me. LIVID.
ABSOLUTELY BEYOND FURIOUS.
I didn't respond for a while, because I could sense that anything I had to say needed to be tamped down . I was too mad.
But when I did, it went like this: "Brother, with all due respect, .. my suggestion to you is that you find the time to come spend more than the requisite 2 hours you've found to spend here the few times you've been here, come spend all day with him .. as I am doing daily .. and deal with the various specialties who also agree there is no reason to impart this news to him at this point .. THEN .. maybe THEN I will listen to your whims of wanting that info shared with him. As you've been told previously .. he is not upbeat and sounding great . but you wouldn't know that, you aren't here, he is sick/weak . and compromised and I don't feel any push to kick him in the teeth right now with any info that can't be dealt w/anyway not right now".
<<I'm sick of explaining it to him . he isn't here .. and .. I'm done/tired of explaining it>>
You want it dealt with another way then my only suggestion .. get yourself on site here . and deal with it all . .be my guest. Not gonna do that, then you're gonna have to defer to those that do that . .that would be ME. So shut the h377 up.
I just don't see the need at this point . not right now, .. to push that agenda and I fail to see why he sees it as so imperative.
Get thee on site, . .and then talk from out of your backside.
But he sent back a return text to answer to what I'd sent (I didn't call him because I'm too mad, but also too tired).
His return text, . I don't know . maybe he doesn't know what he's doing . I dunno . it cut off mid sentence, and there's nothing else. It goes into .. "if you think that I'm pushing anything then you're discernment skills are off Dorker .. I'm not pushing anything and I've been there 3 x's .. and taken off work and rescheduled a trip with my church to be there and I've
Brother's return text goes on to say: ".........and I've offered to"
And it cuts off . .nothing further.
I didn't respond. I don't care.
HE WAS PUSHING IT .....................
And coming from someone so ill informed as to the goings on . didn't fly with me. And I said so.
So on the other front . the story w/MIL ..
No, DH had called her, . .on his way in from work, called her, .. just a chit chat . but found her disoriented . and not with it .. and .. in a fog. So . he headed that way to go check on her.
What he found there, she complains of a pain in her lower abdomen .. and she says it's "been hurting". DH summoned the nurse who says that's the first they've heard of any abdominal pain .. she told SIL that she'd reported it to them in the AM . and the staff there say no . she'd been fine. She reported to DH that she'd been too sick, hadn't left her room. But the PT log shows she participated in PT today .. she doesn't remember I guess. She reports she's had no appetite . but DH watched when dinner was brought and she ate most of it.
Staff asked when she last had a BM . she can't remember .. (cognitive decline could very much be at play there) . she's supposed to be asking for help to toilet but as we know she doesn't . she struggles and so forth and goes on her own . complaining they don't come . and/or they aren't kind . so does it on her own . so who knows . .she could've had a BM . ten mins before he got there, . or ten days ago, she doesn't know. So they gave her something for a mild laxative .. maybe that's the pain in her lower abdomen . who knows.
She was disoriented as in .. DH thinks she (we've seen this countless times with her) . she falls asleep in the afternoon, then wakes up . doesn't know what day it is . did I sleep all night and it's the next day . that kinda thing. Disoriented didn't know what day it is ..
I think they're going to check her for UTI . and for dehydration.
So that's how DH happened to be at her side, there at the nursing home . he found her in a fog and disoriented . and went by to check on her as a result, and then is when the complaints of the abdominal pain came to light .. and he could tell she was disorienting . .and such. DH called nurse in . and there ya have it.
I think also, it's a matter, with the above situation .. very much at work in all that, was the mentality . she's not my mother, my hands are tied .. any decision or action is gonna have to come from them, if they choose to ignore it, . that's their prerogative.
NOT THE CASE HERE. This is "our" dad ..
I'm simply refusing to play nice at his "ignoring" the fact that dad is so sick and weak and he is, that sick and weak.
I even asked DH .. who has heard me more than once on the phone with my ailing dad .. in recent days .. "does he sound .. .as my brother terms it .. ???... upbeat, sounding good, does he sound good to you?". DH's response ... a sad knowing shake of the head .. "no, not at all".
No, he doesn't sound good, upbeat, he sounds like a frail failing in health O.L.D. man when you talk to him .. can barely talk above more than a hoarse voice allows .. and weak .. he doesn't sound "good/upbeat".
I'm sick of hearing that from the brother who refuses to spend more than a cursory 2 hour visit here .. the 3 x's he's managed to come here in as many weeks.
He is just absolutely tone deaf as to the whole thing . and maybe in him, it's self justification . if he can sell himself that dad sounds good, upbeat, . .then he's justified in being so absent the scene here, at all. But I'm not buying it, and he got "TOLD" that ..
I've explained to my brother enough times now, that I'm tired of saying the same things over and over .. I'm done explaining it to him.
I didn't say it, but wish I had've. "If you want to convince yourself he sounds good, sounds upbeat .. fine by me .. go for it .. but D.O. N.O.T. ever again, go barking up my tree that he can't keep kicking the can down the road as to any dx and what the path forward needs to be .. you deal with that notion on your own, absent the scene here .. I am here, I'm there daily .. and I have a different read and I've told you that, countless times .. When any important dialogue needs to transpire with dad as to the dx and what goes on with that whole thing . you may or may not be on site here for it .. deal with it .. I can tell you right now, .. that if dad asked me today, perhaps feeling strong enough to face some news and try to process it, .. if he asked me today, I'm NOT going to put him off .. No dad .. we musn't talk about it .. brother wishes to be part of the conversation, .. I'll need to make an appt to make sure he can attend any dialogue on all this .. so sshh .. don't worry with it. No, I would answer him if he asked, .. and yes absent my brother's presence. He hasn't asked, in fact, has made it known he does not want to know right now, wants to get stronger . and that's fine and okay with me.
I am still so mad I could spit nails ...
I wish that text had come thru in full .. as it looked as though he was then setting about justification as to how busy his life is and his this and that, that he has moved heaven and earth to be here the whopping 3 x's he's been here .. it looked like that's where it was going, but it cut off .. and whatever further was written, didn't transmit here . didn't get it.
Couldn't go to sleep last night, I was still so angry with him. Laid there tossing and turning, and then exacerbating it all, with the fact, I know .. I know .. I know .. being angry is useless .. move along .. go to sleep . need to rest, . but so pent up and angry ..
Wake up this morning, still furious with him. Yes, indeed .. I've dealt with ostriches that want to stick their head in the dirt . and ignore .. and had it up to my eyeballs with ignor-ers.
This time .. it wasn't with restraint that I acted .. because it's "not my mom" .. this time, I hit it hard .. let him have it.
He happened to be relatively close to Purgatory and so offered to come by, could be there in a moment. So he did that. He did find the glasses .. someone .. I suppose one of the staff members, who knows . had tucked them onto what is her night stand .. behind the flowers she'd been given by SIL before she left for IL last week, and the flowers we brought to her . tucked them onto that night stand behind those flowers.
But he found her . as I described before, abdominal pain that she says she has told them about, they say she hasnt' mentioned it .. found her stating she hadn't done PT . hadn't left her room, . too sick .. but PT logs shows she was in PT yesterday .. so forth and so on. Probably the disorientation she was exhibiting was much like what we've seen countless times with her, . falls asleep in the afternoon . but then wakes up and is completely off any axis that makes any sense .. as to orienting to what time of day . what day it is . did I sleep all night and into the next day . that kinda thing.
When will Medicaid get approved? I don't know . it's all in the works at present .. but I don't know when that gavel comes down on approval.
The thing is .. this goes on .. as a b'ground noise to it all, constantly .......
MIL .. I guess in her ability at denial/aging .. something she will likely take to the grave . an inability to see/live it . that she is "old" and frail and likely not going to recover .. she can't see that. Maybe it's a good thing in a sense, in that she still fights .. goes to PT when they'll take her .. which is daily .. 2 x's a day and participates willingly .. all in the hope she can .. I guess if you hear her tell it, .. get back to being "better".
"Better" to her means .. I think . that she's once again independent (she hasn't been independent in years) .. but what independent looks like to her, and what it looks like to us .. two way way different things.
MIL is working hard .. (to the best of her ability to work hard at anything) .. to get back to that state and with the belief there has to be something better than this GOD forsaken place where ya'll have put me .. I've got to get stronger and so I can get out of this God Forsaken place and go to AL.
I think in her mind's eye .. AL is gonna be a quaint cute little one room apartment with it's so adorable little mini sofa and a bed .. and decorated .. and not a shared room w/child like chatty cathy .. .and .... there won't be others sitting around in slumped states of being .. and not knowing who they are, . we'll all be one big community of folks that travel around on our walkers .. but fully functional otherwise .. and so forth.
That's what I think she envisions.
BUT .............
As I heard SIL and DH talking on the phone last night .. SIL imparting to her brother: "I just don't see how she will ever, . it's gonna take a miracle . she will never be able to go to AL .. she just has too many needs . she needs to be in a setting like where she is .. she needs the medical availability . she dehydrates, .. she gets UTI's . she has that diverticulitis flare up .. the chitapalooza that goes on all the time . she disorients . she just isn't gonna be a candidate ever .. for AL .. I just don't see it .. she's where she needs to be, in a nursing home with availability to medical staff to see to her myriad of needs . thank GOD she's there . that's where she needs to be, and I don't see her ever being able to be in a more independent setting".
DH agreeing with his sister in their phone convo.
As for MIL, I too think this is her way of creating a crisis so someone will come running. She might truly be having stomach pain, but why didn't the nurses know about it? She apparently has enough faculties to tell DH what's wrong. Sounds like she is scared now that SIL has gone back home of not having someone constantly doting on her.
I agree with keeping your boundaries. No need to have to answer to brother or BB. You are keeping them informed as a courtesy, but beyond that, their staying involved or not is not your responsibility, and you don't have to defend you or dad's decisions, especially if it's too much of a hassle for them to be there.
DH can continue dealing with MIL's crises. Unfortunately those will probably escalate, as the drama ramps up, but at least it won't be you having to put out those fires.
Nobody likes being in limbo, and men tend to dislike it even more than women, if anything. In the cancer unit where I volunteer, you see a lot of sons and husbands of patients striding about looking purposeful and determined. Doing something - anything - is what they do.
But I also agree that no, if it is what he wants to do then, sure, Dad can keep kicking the can down the road just as long as he pleases. But you do have to get as far as his being aware of the risk of doing that and choosing it as his preferred option.
This is one of those conversations that is more about listening than talking. When you say, for example "so, how are you feeling about what is going on at the moment? Any thoughts? Any questions?" - what's the response? Resist the temptation to fill in silences or make suggestions.
The American Cancer Society's website will be more directly relevant to you - https://www.cancer.org
but here is also a link to Macmillan, who are very good on the emotional issues (obviously some of it will be different because they'll refer to different services)
https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/talking-about-cancer/if-someone-has-cancer
Don't kill me for saying this, but anger is truly a secondary emotion. Think of it as the tip of the iceberg. It's an understandable and 'acceptable' emotion, whereas, sadness, frustration, indecision, fear etc. are all 'unacceptable' emotions' esp for men.
My DH gets SO MAD...over the dumbest things--and underneath all that anger is FRUSTRATION at things he cannot control: the government, his mother, the idiots he has to work with--so he exhibits a lot of anger.
Anger will shut down other people in a heartbeat. DH start blowing up about Democrats and I LEAVE. He's not really angry about them, he's unhappy with his own impotence to control anything.
STOP the anger. Just, really so wasted. Your brother and BB are pretty clueless, but, they're in the picture. You hated that SIL was so bossy from afar---at least BB is local.
Right now everything in is an uproar. You do need to carve out some time to decompress, or start taking those Xanax. You've still got a long road ahead with your dad. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW SICK HE IS??? How is that possible? A huge part of HIS anger seems to be the lack of knowledge. I know with DH through all his issues, I insisted the he and I both be kept in the loop at all times, no hiding dxes and treatment options. I can handle ANYTHING when I know it's the truth.
Listening to your dad, your brother and you all seething with anger---this isn't accomplishing anything. You're progressively getting angrier and angrier and that isn't helping!
MOST of what you are going through is just the garbage that a health scare does to you. Been there, done that, worn out the t shirts. I have learned to walk the hospital halls, chat up other people, take a break, get a Diet Coke and sit in a quiet garden somewhere. AND I take a tranq. I know I push those on you, but honestly, they have their place.
Things to be grateful for:
Your brother, who may be annoying and obtuse, but who is there, and I think you can get him to heel. (My own YB thinks b/c he washed mother's filthy kitchen windows 10 years ago he's off the hook forever for service. Ok, bro, whatever.)
Tell brother EXACTLY what he can do to help. IF he has POA, and that seems likely, that may have to kick in soon. Roll with it.
Your BB sil may be highly annoying, but I think given specific jobs to do for dad, she'd happily do them. Praise her highly for her help. She's going to be in this for as long as it goes on, no matter how you feel.
Don't fuss about brother's 'take' on dad's health. My mother will act differently from person to person. I visited her on MD for a couple hours. She was FINE. Sis called her and got the 'woe is me' and was worried. Mom just wanted a boots on the ground visit. He probably mans up for the phone calls from brother. My DH will complain to the moon and back to me---and then his brother calls and they're laughing and chatting like nothing is going on.
Dh is stepping up to MIL's care, which you did not expect. He was there when she needed him, he didn't complain unduly about it. This is going to be the norm until she dies, sadly, she's really not getting better at all, and yes, AL is out of the question if she can't even remember if she's had a BM or what day it is.
MIL isn't calling you and so you are able to take care of dad. Things will settle into some kind of pattern. Until dad knows the extent of his illness and makes decisions about his own future, you can do nothing.
You CANNOT expect the drs to fall into your schedule. I know I have said this a lot, but 2 of my kids are doctors, and they are hella busy. I know they have angered family members as they have had other sick patients to deal with and they are ALWAYS a couple hours behind in returning calls. You want them to make your dad their top priority and they have MUCH sicker patients. Esp oncologists.
Deep breaths.