I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Did Grandma remember their birthdays over the years? Did she send them a card once in a while? I mean, they are her grandsons, after all... Did she ever call or make any effort to reach out to them? "The sins of the father" needn't be laid upon the children.
Sounds like a sad situation to me, and if I was one of the grandsons, I think I would feel quite rejected by grandma, especially after being rebuffed when I did try to reach out.
EB's oldest son was always into acting . .and did a lot of community theater as a child and young teen .. and she'd travel to where they lived, to see the productions he was in.
I think she truly did, when she was able, . reach out and try to stay engaged. But like a lot of young adults . they get busy with their friends, careers, etc .. and the old folks . .are somewhere on the periphery of their minds if at all.
I do think it made for a bit of an awkward situation when their dad decided to take the approach he ultimately took, and he has exiled himself from the family entirely. That maybe gave them less of any "tie" to this end of the family. Sad . but I do think that may be part of why they also, .. drifted farther away. Sad too, because .. it sounds like their having heard of MIL's turn of events in her life, brought about in them, genuine concern and wish to reconnect, at least with her.
Maybe the last chapter isn't written on it. Maybe they will reach out via phone call, or letter. And that can soften her stance, who knows.
I don't think in her, it's even coming from a place of being unforgiving or mean . she is simply too old and tired . and doesn't have the energy at this point to try to re-kindle .. if you will, .. what could've been all along, in a relationship with that sect of g'kids.
As for me and a therapist. My therapist retired a few months back . and I haven't sought out a new one. Just don't have the energy to go and talk to someone and bring them up to speed with it all.
As for my dad .. he is now in Rehab. I went there today vowing that I would only visit briefly. But got "sucked" in, longer than I wanted. Just a cavalcade of things needing attention there. I really was weary today .. not so much fatigue, just . wanting to be doing what I want with my day .. instead, more than anything else. Hoping to find a better balance in the coming days with him in rehab now, rather than the hospital. And he is mean and crotchety . not to me thankfully, but he sure is with staff and it's awfully hard to be around that. And drawing his attention to it, and trying to reason with him, isn't seeming to help it. He's just short/rude to staff.
For instance: The head nurse came in with some papers .. and her question
Nurse: "Good afternoon Mr ______, .. I just need to ask you a few questions, .. I don't see here that we have an answer to whether you've ever had a pneumonia shot?".
My dad, snapping at her, and obviously annoyed right out of the gate: "I am NOT getting a pneumonia shot if that's what you want . I have been too sick . and I can't withstand that right now so I AM NOT GETTING A SHOT right now".
He didn't need to come out of the gate with the modulation of being completely annoyed .. before the words were even out of her mouth. She's just doing her job .. completing necessary (yes .. annoying as H377 paperwork that never seems to end), . but it's her job to do it. Just go with the flow. He is just mean/short/rude . and it's not pleasant.
After she left, I asked him, "Dad, what's that about, she's just doing her job .. she has to complete her paperwork, could you not have answered her without getting annoyed".
My dad: "Oh they all come in and out of here and they all make the appropriate clucking sounds . and dot their I's and cross their T's .. "
Me: "I know, but being ugly to them isn't going to change one bit of it, . they have their jobs to do .. and just don't be mean and short/rude to them . just answer their questions or I'll answer if I'm here . but don't be ugly to them".
A roll of his eyes.
Next person that comes in for whatever reason . same kinda interaction goes on.
I know he doesn't feel good ... I know he is probably
It gets old. Watching it gets old.
I wouldn't worry about it too much, Dorker. Probably the staff are used to these feisty old curmudgeon guys, and probably even joke about them. I noticed that a few times with some of them. My husband liked the ones that would quip stuff right back at him, like "Yep - here I come to be a pain in the butt again, Mr. X." It reminds me of that movie with Clint Eastwood, "Gran Torino."
Just wondering, do they give your dad anything to help him with withdrawal from nicotine? I realize he’s been without cigs for awhile now but he was very sick there in the hospital and now that he is better, I wonder if he is having a hard time with that? I don’t know anything about how long it takes for a smoker to get over the craving, if they ever do, but it seems like it could be one of the reasons he’s so miserable. Maybe a patch could help?
Patches got me (barely) through a hospital stay. They did not exactly advertise the availability of nicotine relief. But ... By Glory ... I got my patches. But only because I asked (politely but urgently) about nicotine the minute I was admitted.
They wouldn't have liked me if I went through withdrawal. But as it was, they actually thought I was pretty nice!
The man has enough to make him miserable. Might as well get the nicotine withdrawal over while he's got so much else to feel sorry for himself about.
Well ... that sooo doesn't work for me (or for anyone around me). For me, smoking was self-medication. It eased my existing temper/depression/anxiety issues. Remove the cigs, and add zero other chemical support ... and all of those issues come roaring back.
In cases like mine, a patch does ease the stress, on the patient and anyone who comes near them. (I'm currently transitioning to full-time vaping.)
As I was putting chicken breasts on this morning, to boil, for a casserole I'd like to put together for dinner, .. I thought .. "probably shouldn't be even bothering" ..
I so miss cooking. It's something I enjoy doing .. cooking and putting together an actual "meal".
We've been fortunate that for a week or so .. our church members . when things were more at a crucial point in all this .. they were bringing us meals. It was wonderful. If you've ever had to pull thru the burger drive thru at the end of a long day and do it day after day .. you figure out real quick . a meal .. a homecooked meal, . balanced meal .. hands down .. so much better tasting.
I've been looking at the light at the end of the tunnel with the saga with my dad with an eye towards . *when he gets to rehab* I'll be able to back out a bit and not have to be so present.
Yesterday was his first full day there. Maybe I was too ambitious to think I could just pop in for a quick visit . .and he'd be busy there . being worked, somewhat .. and my presence there, would all be for nothing . since he'd be busy. Too optimistic on my part, I guess.
So today .. I get up and put some chicken breasts on to boil, to try to work towards putting together a casserole so that we can have a home-cooked meal this evening . and not have to get a take out. Crossing fingers I can pull it off.
Yesterday I arrived there, to find him dressed and in a wheelchair, seated.
HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!
First time in all these works, his garb wasn't a hospital gown. HOORAY!!!
He didn't seem as delighted w/that whole thing as it made me. Not that he'd of preferred a hospital gown, just more that he .. I think would rather be well/functioning and be able to "care" about much of anything at all.
First thing, I got a text from stepsister who is manning the fort on their homefront (til she gets a belly full of her mom . and flies the coop and that could happen at any time with her) .. and I get a text from her, that a Pulmonary Doc's office called, .. dad has an appt, Monday of next week.
Uhm . no . that's not happening. I do get why my dad gets so frustrated with all this. I mean .. c'mon . the man has just been discharged to rehab ... I'm not gonna go pick him up .. and cart him to a doc appt .. not that soon . not am I gonna thwart what rehab is ongoing . to then have them do so. No . .the Pulmonary doc's office, does it not occur to them that may be too ambitious to be scheduling an appt for him to be seen .. Monday .. a mere few days after he has arrived at Rehab? Does that not dawn on them?
It's frustrating.
Told stepsister, I'll handle it, I'll call them and get it rescheduled. . I did so.
I already knew on my docket was to reschedule an appt also for Monday (same damn day) with the oncology group . .. handed to me on a biz card as we exited the hospital for transport to rehab . by the nurse, "here's your appt for the oncology group". So I already knew I'd need to reschedule that one.
That was first ... dealing with stepsister's text that I need to do something about the Pulmonary doc appt.
And in the back of my mind, also .. need to reschedule that oncology appt.
In comes a staff member then to dad's room, grouchy, crotchety dad . .and they want to know does he wish to see the dietician .. (this is the kinda stuff that sends him into orbit .. but almost anything does with him). He looks up at the staff member asking that question, .. and a look of "what the h377 do you want?". The staff member asks again, .. "do you wish to consult with the dietitian?".
Dad (answering with the annoyance of someone who has been asked a question that should be so obvious to the person asking that one can only get
one can only get from zero to 100 mph of anger in a nano second) .. he answers: " No, what in the h377 do I want with a dietitian?, No.
Staff member: "Well we notice Mr. ____ you didn't eat very much dinner last night, and the same with breakfast, . and you didn't eat any of your lunch here, .. it's sitting here and you haven't eaten any of it, .. we can have the dietitian consult with you . if there are things that maybe you'd like to try .. a protein shake .. maybe or some other things, but we can't change any of that without a consult with the dietitian who has to come talk to you, would you like to talk to the dietitian?".
Dad (mean and grouchy): "yea, .. whatever in the h377 you people want . .I don't care .. ".
Me, nice and polite: "Yes, send them by here, we'll talk with them, thank you"
That kinda thing . just grouchy. I know it gets annoying dealing with bureaucracy . and they have their protocols for the way they do things . doesn't seem it should take a "meeting" with a dietitian . to change up some things. But whatever, go fight city hall, you'd have just as much luck.
So then fast forward a little bit longer, another text from stepsister . this one I guess had upended her dementia mom at their home. Someone from the very rehab where I was sitting at that moment . had called the house, . some meeting (care plan though that .. the objective . wasn't clear to anyone in this saga . not yet) .. someone from the very rehab where I was sitting with dad . had called the house there .. and stepmom (dementia stepmom) intercepted the call . and wouldn't let stepsister take the phone. Sounded like, .. all stepsister could get out of the whole thing was there is to be a meeting next week .. not known when . cuz stepsister couldn't get the phone from her mom to get clearer info . and who is this meeting with, when/what time . what for .. she didn't know . but the whole thing had sent her mother into a tailspin of demented confusion .. the mother thinking she needs to be there .. her demented mind not clear as to where/who/what for .. so forth . and yet she wouldn't give up the phone to her daughter who could've gotten clearer info. So the text to me, .. just to impart two things.
1. Might wanna talk to them there at the rehab .. see who that was . and what that's about . see if you can figure that out
2. Might wanna talk to them . and make it clear to them .. calling the house here, to talk to his wife . should not be there *go to* move . it's only gonna result in frustrating her, and unclear info . and cause her to tailspin in confusion and such.
SIGH
Okay stepsister, thanks, I'll dial down on it.
So now I walk out to the nurse desk to dial down on . who is calling their house, and what's it about, . some upcoming meeting ..??..... and when ..
They don't seem to know, other than to say there is always .. a few days into a stay there .. a care plan meeting, more than likely that's what it was about. But they can't tell me for sure, as his chart doesn't show anyone having tried to reach out to the home front.
I ask if there is a case manager, . and can I speak to that person . maybe that person would know. That takes a few mins for them to produce a name .. and in the process . some other staff member walks up and basically wants to know who am I to the patient and why are they giving me ANY info .. and so I clarify that to this other staff member . who then tells me . looking at the chart, . that I am not listed as the person of contact, .. and I then clarify that I need to be, and the reasons why.
That person then explains to me . .that they'll need to get that changed on the chart, . and so will need to speak to so and so dept .. as to getting that done . and so then that staff person reaches out via phone to whoever this other staff member is that can okay such things . over the phone.
The story then turns to that there is a form that needs
That lunch that was sitting there, all forlorn and neglected: what was it?
Dorker, you must stop apologising for your father, and stop compensating for him. If the staff interact with *you* then of course you will be your courteous and considerate self. But their interactions with *him* are for him and them to handle. Look the other way.
Were you saying something about having to fill in a form to get this insane communications rats' nest sorted out?
A form that needs to be completed .. but whoever it is that has this form .. not available at that moment to bring said form forth .. and so it was determined that if the specific staff member that I'm speaking to, will go in and verify with Mr. ______ that it's okay to share info with me . .then the form will be brought forth later, . and the staff member who has vouched for above .. can then complete the form . having verified all necessary info.
So off we go now, to talk to my dad in the room, for him to verify that I'm not a stranger off the street, and in fact, . .. am someone who can be given info and share info as to his case.
That too caused him to get grouchy and ugly with them.
Him now snapping at this staff member, as if this staff member should somehow know that calling his house will result in misinformed messages and confusion and upset to his wife . like this staff member should be all omniscient and know this without even being told . is his grouchy approach to it all .. Good GOD.
I explained to my dad as I walked back into his room, staff member in tow ..
Me: "Dad this is ______________ what we need to do is get me listed as point of contact for you .. they've called the house about some upcoming meeting having to do with your care plan while here and a meeting that is to transpire .. but it has sent K into a tailspin there, of confusion and upset . and so .. we need to get that changed .. so what she needs to do is talk with you to verify that I'm someone they can share info with . ".
Her then asking him (I'd imagine they have to do this to verify that he even knows who he is . so that he can vouch for who he authorizes as someone to get info on the whole thing). She then asks him his name . and he snaps at her, .. "My name is ______________ it's right there on the door, it's on the chart you're holding in your hand!".
OMG ............ what in the name of God . why be so mean. It is what it is .. it just is.
She then asks him is DOB . and he gives her that, also announcing grouchy like . I'm sure you know that too .. you guys know every damn thing about me . but it's ______________says his DOB.
She explains to him the reasons why she's asking these questions .. and asks him if he'd like to authorize someone other than his wife to receive information. He points to me.
She then asks him to state my name, and relationship to him (I had already told her my name and relationship to him . but maybe it's their protocol to make sure he has clear understanding of that . I dunno). He merely points to my direction . and she then asks him to state my name . and what is my relationship to him.
He snaps at her, "she's my daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
Her then asking again, .. "and can you tell me her name, .. ".
He does as asked, but with modulation to his voice/tone/demeanor that this is a question that everybody should know the answer to, what kinda dumbchit are you woman . is about how he was acting.
Got all that ironed out finally, she departs.
After she left, him sounding off .. "I've just come from the hospital and there . they ALL KNEW .. it was you they should be talking to, why in the name of GOD doesn't this stuff translate from one facility to the next?!?!?!??!".
Me: "Dad that was the hospital . this is the Rehab site .. they have their rules .. getting mad isn't gonna serve anything . just deal with it . and get thru it".
Dad: "Bunch of damn horsechit ... ".
It's just not pleasant being in the midst of this all the time. At all. It is what it is .. frustrating for someone who feels ill .. and has had their world rocked in a major way .. I know all that . but dang . .. getting mad an ornery with staff serves who?
It was like this the entire visit .. he at one point wanted to get back into the bed, so helping him to do that .. and then wanted a pillow for his feet . to prop under his bony feet .. so I go ask for what should be simple .
One would think . rehabs and hospitals . one would think they have a closet somewhere that stores linens galore . and pillows as part of that. Guess not.
I knew from the day before when dad arrived there to a bed with no pillows at all, and the act of congress it took to get some damn pillows for behind his head . this won't be easy .. but asked for a pillow for his feet . this set in motion all kinds of conferring among staff members as to where to find more pillows .. no you have to requisition that from __________________, you can just go swipe one from an empty room . no we aren't allowed to do that .. seemed to set in motion all kinds of kerfuffle . among staff members.
To which I interjected: "Walmart is just down the road, should I step out and go buy him another pillow?".
Response; "No, we'll get him one . ".
Pillow never did come, at least not by the time I left there. I reminded them again on the way out.
Some other staff member appeared to ask some other nonsensical stuff that pizzed him off (but anything pizzes him off these days) .. and so that was asked and answered to.
It was just .. I went there, . thinking I was only going to stop over for a brief visit . and then be on my way . .didn't turn out that way . and in the process dealing with his nasty disposition.
He is not known to be nasty . in all my life . yes he has a temper . and I know that about him . but it takes quite a bit . or so I've known him to be . to push that button. Not so these days . he goes from zero to nasty as h377 in a nano second.
I will go by there again today . in the hopes to stop in briefly and be on my way . and back to put my chicken casserole together and actually cook a meal, something I enjoy doing. And we'll see if I can escape without getting sucked in.
Tomorrow .. I am not going at all, . as the daughters wish to take me out for Mother's Day lunch . a week late . and to a movie .. and so I will refrain from going at all tomorrow.
That's when I wish . that my brother . that lives a whopping (oh and it makes it so impossible to get here, it's so far) 1 1/2 hours south of here . would be coming for an extended visit. But .. I don't even put it out there anymore . it just serves to frustrate me with his lame azz excuses . so I don't bother. I'll just go about my life and what my brother does or doesn't do is on him.
The same damn thing was ongoing and maddening me with SIL and her mom and the settings ..
SIL there as MIL's mouthpiece, . MIL's brain, .. MIL's arms/legs/hands . you name it. In other words, .. I would say to SIL . countless times (stop being there all the time acting in her regard .. let HER deal with staff and more importantly let them get a real feel for how her functionality is mentally and physically .. they are getting a false read in your constant presence there . they don't SEE that she cannot help herself as it would seem .. BECAUSE YOU'RE there on site doing for her, .. they get a false read as to her mental function . because you're there doing her thinking for her .. and speaking on her behalf always .. stop it)
And what am I doing?
Same confounded thing that I was so frustrated with SIL for doing.
The difference, .. I recognize it . already at this early juncture, and am trying to finagle a way to extract myself .. for that very reason!
In my dad's case . it's not that I want some cognitive diminished function to be recognized and noted . as was the case with MIL .. it's not because I want it noted that dad can't dress himself . he can (slowly .. ever so slowly .. but he can do it) .. as was the case w/MIL .. they wouldn't see it with MIL . because SIL was there to do it for her .. dress her, .. toilet her .. so forth.
My dad doesn't have cognitive decline . he's sharp mentally .. but mean as a rattlesnake is for sure.
My dad is able to dress himself . he is able to cut his own foods and feed himself (as wasn't MIL .. but they wouldn't know that, as SIL sat vigil to meet every whim) .. my dad doesn't have the same concerns ..
But I'm doing the same thing . in being there all the damn time, .. lessening their interactions with him.
Poor healthcare workers. I didn't ever really realize that they deal with mean-azz hateful angry patients. I don't guess I ever thought about that aspect of it.
But yes, I recognize and intend to work to extract my presence there in larger measure than has been the case. I plan on it .. working to find my way to the exit of this scene in larger measure than has been the case.
The very thing that made me nutz watching SIL . but she wouldn't hear it. I'm damn sure not gonna be guilty of doing the same.
But. The staff are so used to handling people who are in pain, ill, tired, worried, and generally not at their best that I bet they don't notice his rudeness anything like as much as you do. And on the other side of the coin, your Dad is of course not at his best, and people are turning up and asking him dam' fool questions and annoying the bejesus out of him, and he's just not in the mood to keep his temper and play ball. It's a really annoying ball game, apart from anything else, even if you do understand the reasons behind it.
There's a classical Greek use of euphemism where you call bad/evil/frightening things and people by extra-nice names on purpose, so that you don't attract their wrath and become their target. E.g. The Kindly Ones, the Eumenides, was what you called the Furies, mythological (or at least I certainly hope so) beings who track down wrongdoers and punish them in horribly imaginative ways. There is a point here, I promise you...
For example, were you to refer to your father as Sunshine Sam, or to say to him light-heartedly "always best to bite people's heads off when they ask for information, dearest Papa, don't you think?" - it would relieve tension and possibly prompt him to correct himself without your actually having to criticise him directly. And, indeed, without your seeming to disagree that those questions and forms and foul-ups ARE incredibly annoying and surely, you'd have thought, not beyond the wit of man to handle without badgering patients and giving them more headaches than they've already got.
I mean. Would you like some Ensure? No, I'd like something that looks like you're meant to eat it, not hang wallpaper with it. [I'm guessing here. I may be terribly wronging the kitchen staff where he is. Am I?]
Ref the not doing too much for him and creating work for yourself and potentially masking problems - this is going to be very hard for you, because the reason you're doing it is that you naturally want to help in any given situation, and it probably isn't in you to stand there admiring your fingernails while some poor clerk is trying to extract civil answers from your father. Especially when the answers are wrong or misunderstood or misheard or incomplete.
Chains of communication need to be short. You either have to do this altogether, or you have to leave it alone. Can you manage being the single point of contact for the next, what, four, six, eight weeks?
Got there, trying to time it . between what I knew yesterday to be his OT and PT and a stop in between. I guess, what I didn't know, that schedule will vary some each day. Tried to time it between the two.
But the schedule had changed a bit today . and so when I got there, he was in PT. I got to go watch . and he actually did better than I'd imagine him able to at this point (but he has always been an over-achiever, give him 10 to do, . he'll do 15 . just for good measure, and that part of his personality evident in that setting).
Was pleased with what I saw of the PT session.
Then got back to the room, visited for a while. He had asked for a pain pill, that was given. His back where he had the back surgery in February is still bothersome, when he exerts too much.
That pain pill beginning to kick in . and he in want for some rest, .. I said my g'byes. Hooray . was able to achieve it today. An accomplishment. Didn't stay on site, to micromanage every aspect of his daily life there.
Interesting note that he apparently, according to him, had a few terse words with my brother on the phone last night. My dad doesn't know that I had a "come to Jesus meeting" with my brother the other day .. I hadn't shared that with my dad . .and so any dust up between the two . .is not borne out of some disagreement he knows of on our end. He knows nothing of it.
Goes like this. I guess my brother wanting to hit dad with . I guess some would define it as intelligent questions .. I would define it as maybe prying a little too much, and particularly with an agenda that maybe speaks to .. he doesn't buy in . as to the present regiment ongoing. But how could he, he hasn't been here at all, to know .. up close and personal the goings on.
Brother: So dad . .who decided it was time for you to be ejected from the hospital .. was that the right thing to do, how do they know you're ready to be ejected .. and ready for therapy now . who decides that .. and why ... are you ready for PT . are you able to do it .. who decides that .. shouldn't they have kept you in the hospital a bit longer to rest and convalesce?
My dad as he imparts what he said to my brother (grouch that he is): "I don't know son! I don't have the foggiest notion .. I just know I'm doing as I'm told to do .. if you want to know, I'm sure there are ways to find that out . but I'm not up to doing your research for you".
Said thru terse animosity sounds like.
Said my brother responded: "Well I don't mean to offend you, that's not my objective here, I am just questioning whether that was the right thing to do and who decides that".
Said he snapped at my brother again at that point (I'm glad he snapped at my brother if nothing else, so that my brother can see, as I've been telling him, he is not "sounds good/sounds upbeat" . .he is a grouch). Snapped at him again, "I already told you, I don't know .. and I'm not inclined to answer a bunch of damn questions I don't know the answers to, if you find it all that important then you go dig up the information!!".
My dad imparting that to me with a flavor that he didn't appreciate the inquisition . not in a position to answer a bunch of damn questions.
I don't intend to do anything at all with it . it is what it is.
My thoughts . if my brother were here on site, more frequently . he'd have a better feel for the real-time of what goes on . but . that's neither here nor there, come don't come .. don't care. I don't think my dad would particularly welcome my brother's presence, not when it comes
Not when it comes, always/always/always accompanied by his wife along with him . his security blanket wife . that no one really cares for. Dad questions whether the inquisition is coming from the wife. . I don't know, don't really care and don't intend to act on any of it, not my battle to wage.
I said to my dad: "Well dad if anyone else asks you how you landed here, and if that was the thing to do. You can answer that yes it was the thing to do, your lungs are cleared, per CT scan, the pneumonia is now gone .. and the Afib cleared via meds . and so .. yes . it was the thing to do . .you didn't need to remain in a hospital bed any longer, you need to now be up and about working to strengthen . so you can eventually go home . and you don't NEED to stay in a hospital longer than what is required, languishing in a hospital bed and at greater risk for infection there . so yes, it was the thing to do".
Dad: I sensed that was kinda the story . but hey I'm just along for the ride here . and do what I'm told".
Dad is feeling 'better' and acting 'worse'.
Personally, I would call him out on this chit. No, he doesn't feel good. NOBODY in that facility feels good! At LEAST he will do something for the pain. That would be intolerable, if he was not on board with pain control.
I had an uncle who was the meanest human I have ever known. I was terrified of him. He terrified everyone and lived his life just bullying and putting people down.
When he died (finally, I swear the meaner you are, the longer you live) he had less than 20 people at his funeral. 5 of those were the mortuary attendants. I only went b/c mother was curious as to who would show up.
Tell your dad if he isn't going to at least attempt to be decent, you aren't going to do a d6mn thing for him. I would NOT put up with this--you are just enabling him to make these poor rehab people's lives miserable (and yes, I know they are used to this kind of behavior). Let him know you won't support his crappy attitude and behavior and if he crosses that line, get up and walk out. Let HIM figure out how to get to where he needs to go.
You're babying this guy and he needs love and support, yes, but you do not need to be chewed out in the meantime, nor even involved. No doubt the 'pillow thing' was simply the aides going 'I don't wanna help that crabby old dude'.
I'm not buying into this being nicotine withdrawal, I think the guy is just mean and you're all used to it. He's also probably anxious, which to most older men will immediately transfer to anger. Maybe a mild tranquilizer will dial him down a little.
Having had a LOT of time with my DH, who is no peach when he's sick, when he starts acting like an entitled jerk? I walk. Go to the movies, go visit g0kids and I have actually stayed O-night with one of the kids. I WILL NOT put up with 24/7 and him being a monster.
Your call. Don't call him out on the behavior and he will continue. All these people he's ripping into are simply doing their jobs, It's not personal. Why is he so mean?? Has he always been this way?
Maybe it's been best for you that you have not been close to him for a long time.
I know it had torqued him earlier, some therapist that dealt with him . .as he describes it .. she leaned over and got pretty much in his line of sight . spoke very slowly . but very loudly .. as if she was talking to someone with .. A) a language barrier, and .. B) hearing impaired "Good morning Mr. ____how are we this morning?".
He found that VERY condescending .. I do too.
Said he corrected her (knowing him, it wasn't politely either, these days) .. "I can hear just fine .. you don't need to speak to me as if I'm hearing impaired and I understand the english language just fine .. I'm fine this morning, now let's start over".
Said she didn't miss a beat, almost as if she hadn't heard him, still leaning over to talk to him .. as you might do to someone who is hearing impaired .. and get in their line of sight . and so forth. It didn't correct it. I don't know, didn't see this scene.
But she was wrong to have done that, and if it annoyed him and he was rude, .. she probably deserved it. Just because probably better than 95% of your patients are hearing impaired, and maybe some of them even from other nationalities .. doesn't mean this one is. So speak to him in a normal tone . and if he doesn't understand, doesn't hear, then deploy that method .. that I'd of found fault with myself.
I didn't go seek out who is the director for that dept., or go try to find her on his behalf to speak to her about correcting that issue.
I only said to my dad: "Yes, that wasn't very nice" .. and moved on. He had a different therapist at that point in time, and she was very nice .. and he didn't seem to have a problem in working with her.
Another MIL blurb pops up on the radar ..
She needs another phone cord (I'm not even sure what it is SIL is requesting, I ignored it) . .she sent a group text to both myself and to DH: "Next time either of you are out and about, could one of you pick up a spiral phone cord that's shorter .. her's is so long and it seems like it's always getting tangled around something".
I didn't answer to it. DH didn't either.
My thoughts .. almost anything you think your mom needs, can be ordered online .. so do it .. and/or .. you think your mom needs that, . she sees her g'daughter DD, .. she sees DH .. routinely .. have your mom ask one of them. (oh that's right, your mom will forget, because of cognitive decline that has yet to be addressed).
Oh well. I ignored it.
DH talked to his mom last night on the phone rather than go visit (he was exhausted, we both are). Said that chitapalooza is in full swing again.
Who knows why. I don't think he had any interest in jumping to, . to talk to staff, .. as to whether that's being looked at .. to address it or whatever. I certainly am not going to.
Some mail arrived here for MIL. This is now her forwarding address. SIL said that when MIL was with her in IL . they didn't always get some important things . .and so .. I guess she and DH determined that MIL would now need a forwarding addy . and so ours is it. A piece of mail came yesterday and I opened it .. as I do generally. It was a check for some $10 and odd cents, from her insurance company .. and I put it where DH will see it .. to deal with it.
The other day a correspondence of some sort arrived here, that the company . whoever it was from, is aware of the request to remove her from their rx drug plan and is processing the request, . if it's a mistake, please contact 1-800 .. .. That too, I put it where DH could see it, he asked me what it was, . what's that about, I don't know talk to your sister about it.
He asked me later, "what's that check about?, what do I do with it?".
Me: "Don't know, talk to your sister about it".
And with that, . that was the sum of my input on the topic.
i have not read that your DH is front and center daily for your dad so he can cover his person as you are.
My FIL health has taken a progressive turn. COPD that now requires bottled oxygen not concentrator. He is so weak he cannot lift MIL walker from car trunk. Told hubs the O2 bottles are heavier and awkward. My DH and BIL talking last night about things I brought up 3 months ago to plan. I am stepping aside to let them handle. Not interested when time to plan? Now urgent, and you two will have to figure out. I will not stand in the way of you traveling 50 miles last minute, but I’m working and not available to coordinate rushed need. Your choice, DH. I’m less angry by recognizing his choices are his to carry out and not my responsibility.
I am glad that you realized you were slowly becoming a 2nd 'SIL'. ALl her annoying traits and overmanaging were beginning to creep in to your care of dad.
No judgment, but we all know how annoying that can be.
AND your dad is fully capable of calling a spade a spade and you don't want to get lumped into 'crabby old man' category.
Did your dad ever get his DX? I have only been skimming this post and didn't see where you said he'd gotten the dx. That's pretty huge, he's got life altering decisions to make. And sounds like he's going to be angry, as that appears to be his go-to emotion.
Good for you for not jumping to SIL's request. Good grief, the woman can order a 100 foot phone cord from Amazon and it would be there in the morning. Or DH can take an hour out of his day and go take care of this. Don't be surprised if the NH will not allow her to have a cord much longer than 20 feet. HUGE tripping hazard. Why doesn't she have a rechargeable phone in her room? Shoot, she could have 5.
Sorry about MIL's chitapalooza, but in the elderly, and with her history of diverticulitis---this is gonna keep happening. Stress also causes diarrhea. Basically. it's not the brain that tells us how we 'feel' it's the guts. I personally do not find bowels to be that interesting, but my SIL, the gastro doc will wax prophetic on them--about the breakthroughs in studies about the gut being the 'heart and soul' of mental health.
Anyway, glad you are handing off all things MIL to DH. As it should be!
Yes, your Dad was being a grouch. He wasn’t calling anybody names or making threats. Did the staff deserve it no, just doing their job. If they are not used to it, they better get used to it. Your Dad is not the first grouch patient and he won’t be the last.
After being asked the date of birth question for the 999th time my Dad answered “ I wasn’t born I was hatched!” 🙄
I’m glad you no longer think you have to intervene and make nice with the staff. They can handle him. If they can’t believe me, you will get a call.
Last week while in the Walk In Clinic I was a grouch patient. After telling the nurse my symptoms she started in with what appears to be mandatory questions since the whole electronic med file system started. I rudely interrupted her. No I don’t have constipation, diahrea, trouble urinating, I have the respiratory problems! I apologized and told her I feel wretched and I’m afraid I’m going to fall off this chair.
There was another exchange where I probably appeared “mean” or “smart azz” but honestly under the circumstances I was being as civil as I could. Not my nature. I did apologize to all on my way out, coughing, trying not to spray germs everywhere.🙄
Glad you have found that window between therapies that is a good time to visit your Dad!
I smoke. I’ve smoked off and on for 45 years - with as long as ten years quit in between. I’m getting ready to quit - AGAIN. But this stint smoking has been 13 years at a pack a day.
Anyhoo. Three years ago - this month, as a matter of fact - I had a “radical” hysterectomy.
I woke up in Recovery - they did their thing, checking this and that. Then they asked if I was in pain. Ummm - yeah. Ya think? So, they tell me I’m gonna get scooted up to my room and they’ll give me some pain meds there.
Long story short - after having asked three times for a pain pill and having 40 minutes go by and still no pain med - I’m pretty grumpy.
A nurse comes in - no pill. I loose it and get pretty nasty with her. My dh - the kindest, most polite person on the planet - pipes up and says “Maybe you’re not feeling good because you haven’t had a cigarette. Maybe you need a nicotine patch”.
Nurse Nancy says “Do you think you need a nicotine patch? Maybe that’s why you’re feeling so bad”.
I reply “No, I don’t need a %#^~ nicotine patch! I just had all my lady organs cut into pieces and pulled out through my vagina. That’s why I don’t feel good. I don’t need a %#^*+ nicotine patch - I need a *+%#~ pain pill”.
Sometimes being a patient can be really, really awful. It just is. And sometimes people who work in hospitals and rehabs can be complete and total morons. They just are.
I’d cut dad some slack.
At the time I thought it was something (chemical) to do with whatever is in the patches. Apparently I became allergic to adhesives. Even adhesives on non latex bandaids, surgical tape, those round things the EKG leads attach to. I can tolerate adhesives for a few hours tops.
"We are Family" . the site we'd looked at as to MIL, among many, very very close to us. It's about 5/10 mins away.
It's family owned, smaller .. I think maybe 50 residents .. give or take.
It is classified as an ALF.
While visiting there, .. it looks much the same as where MIL currently is .. in a SNF.
The "We are Family" site .. looks much the same, . as in .. semi private rooms (small). The only "real" difference I observed when I went with SIL .. it's smaller, .. family owned vs corporate. But the population there, .. much as you observe in the setting where MIL is currently placed.
There are "slumpers" a plenty at both locations.
I remember asking about it when I toured there, .. as .. at that point I had been to what I would define as a truly ALF site . and that was encompassing a population that was far more functional .... and that's not what I was observing there at "We Are Family".
Their claim to fame, there at "We are Family" is that they try their best to hang onto residents as they age and perhaps fall into more and more frail condition.
Honestly, I don't see .. how do they even call themselves ALF ... the population there, . is so much similar to what MIL currently resides in.
As I said, .. they pride themselves in the fact they don't transition their residents outta there, when the need increases. I guess there is merit in that, . in that the resident doesn't then find themselves in an all new setting, new people, etc.
But .. I guess .. I am questioning ... kinda .. for my own satisfaction maybe ...
All sounds good and quaint and so forth. But somehow I suspect that SNF's (like where MIL currently resides) .. maybe they are more tightly regulated .. ???....maybe more staffing requirement ...????.... who knows. I don't know.
It makes me wonder (but maybe I am questioning an issue, that's not an issue) .. it makes me wonder ... by them carrying an ALF label . vs a SNF label .. do they skirt .. dodge .. requirements they'd otherwise have to meet .. in not staffing appropriately ..??....
I just don't know.
The whole reason this has even come up in my mind ...
Someone from "We are Family" visited/interviewed MIL last week, went to speak with her.
You have to remember, MIL's goal is to "get out of this Godforsaken place" (where she currently resides). This "GODFORSAKEN PLACE" as she defines it .. it ain't all that bad, .. comparatively speaking.
Oh . if you listen to MIL .. she laments that they aren't all kind .. that a lot of them . the CNA's . are black . and they don't like white people and so have an attitude (we don't see it, but we wouldn't . .they aren't going to be unkind/unprofessional in our presence). She loathes the slumpers .. but there are slumpers everywhere.
MIL lives for the day that she can "get out of this GODFORSAKEN place".
I'm not at all sure there is any place that she would, in the end, be saying, "now this is nice, . I'm happy here". Not a bit sure that would ever happen with her, . in fact, it's very likely it never would.
A staff member visited/interviewed w/MIL last week, .. went to visit her .. from "We are Family". I'm guessing this was prompted perhaps by SIL . in her whirligig and spinning top magical unicorn thinking . but I don't know. Can't envision that MIL had the planning ability to contact hem on her own . .and get it set up for someone to come speak with her. I seriously doubt it.
So the woman came and interviewed MIL last week. Even offered (this I hear from MIL) .. offered to send a car for her, . so that she herself can go tour the place. I encouraged MIL to do just that .. absolutely you should get that set up. Go look at it yourself. "Did you agree to do that?". . Her answer, "no, I didn't . I'm not up for that