I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
"I'm not up for that at this point". Well you should, absolutely .. have them send for you and go look at it.
This I heard from MIL when visiting with DH on Sunday.
My objective in encouraging her to do so, .. A) if she is to be moved, and that's up for debate at this point .. let her buy in . as to what the setting ends up being .. but .. B) she's going to find in that setting .. it looks much the same as where she is presently, albeit smaller, not as many residents.
I think MIL envisions (and no she's not capable of that . but I don't know why .. there doesn't seem to be any push afoot to bring her up to speed on that topic) . she envisions her own little quaint cutely decorated apartment . and her up and mobile . and others like that also ..
That's not the setting at We are Family. It's much the same .. it's semi private rooms . and residents in the same state as what is currently found where she is residing.
She will see that, if she goes to visit. She should do so. She will find out, there are no cute/quaint little nicely decorated apartments there, with all the residents up and about on their walkers or canes . and functional. She'll see that for herself.
I do happen to know, "We are Family" doesn't employ CNA's per se, they employ "aides" that aren't licensed. Not sure what they employ as to RN's .. and on site 24/7?
I just .. I dunno .. have a sneaking suspicion . but don't care to dig that deep on it all, as I stay far removed from all decisions MIL . just have a sneaking suspicion that "We are Family" .. maybe their touting their line of "but we hang onto our residents . even when they began to falter more in health" . while that all sounds good .. it probably in the end .. might not be as it appears. Maybe . they don't staff appropriately to meet that need .. ??.... and they don't "have to do so" . .as they classify themselves ALF, not SNF.
I think you're probably right that for MIL the grass is greener at her home, which she isn't going back to, and wherever she is she won't be completely comfortable.
That said - just as people's homes smell different from each other, facilities each have their own "feel." Can be flooring, can be numbers, can be staff attitude, can be food, décor, the view, the size and shape of the building. It could be that the smaller place will suit her better.
Fortunately, you don't have to say yay or nay. You can just go with the flow.
Does MIL need much in the way of skilled nursing, routinely?
Mainly, I felt it wasn’t a great approach because I have serious doubts as to dh’s and SILs ability to see things clearly and accurately - and I question their decision making capabilities in general and especially as it applies to their mother. Long story short - I felt that without your level headed input AND with their history of dumping the responsibility of MIL on to you, any decision they would make would surely only create more work for you in the end.
Now, all that said - scrap it.
Because the game has changed in a big way. Now Dorker - she’s not your mother BUT he IS your father. You’ve got more than enough to handle in your fathers situation - with a whole lot more queuing up behind this current pause in the storm - your father being in rehab and the focus on him just getting healthy. Or should I say healthy enough. Enough to face what’s coming.
So, to repeat “long story short”... Stop shopping for trouble. You’re gonna get enough for free - delivered with no shipping and handling - directly on your doorstep soon enough.
HOWEVER - FWIW - I would not put my own family in a facility that does not employ licensed CNA’s. Several reasons why - but no need to expand upon.
I do think moving MIL to “We are Family” without her visiting the place would be a mistake. The reason obviously being it’s basically the same just smaller in size. Would that make her happy?
Would the “We are Family” place allow MIL to have her meals in her room? Not a question for you Dorker to research but you could throw it out to SIL.
employee.
I guess as harsh as this may sound I would like to question how is MIL truly not a slumper herself. Her posture may be different but her behavior isn't. I realize some of that is out of her control such as the bowel problems. She makes no attempts at socializing but is fine with calling a place God forsaken and feels she deserves better despite having made very poor choices earlier in life regarding the financials. The broken record of her stating that life wasn't supposed to have gone down this path needs to be thrown out for good. Many, most of us would like to have had a more rewarding path than the one that is or has caused us difficulty whether it be health wise or of a financial nature.
My vote for what it is not necessarily worth is for Happy Family even if MIL does not assign it that title. I think her concerns and personality will not blend to put it mildly with a for profit facility. I think they will try at HF and maybe possibly she might find something positive there but if not she just can't keep calling the shots and have all of you listening to her complaints and semi jumping through hoops.
I happen to be somewhat displeased that MIL's incessant complaints to her son and daughter, .... seem to be taken with more merit, than I think they should be. More so, the daughter finds merit in them .. DH as always . just kinda a sideline sitter to it all, as far as the incessant complaining. He doesn't really give it much credence and certainly doesn't try to dial down on any of it.
A for instance, .. MIL maintains that there are black CNA's (large amount of them on staff) .. and that there are those that treat her unkindly .. probably because she's white.
Does that go on? Possibly . .but that's the case in all walks of life, it's just elderly . and those who have diminished functionality .. aren't as able to "cope". That goes on in every walk of life. I might try to chat up the bank teller, and she's just not all that particularly friendly and thus . so be it. I might try to chat up the grocery store cashier, same thing ..
It's not all that odd .. maybe being "black" has absolutely zero to do with it .. .in the end .. and whether the individual has a disdain for white people.
We were there to visit on Sunday. In walks a CNA when we requested toileting assistance. A new CNA, one we hadn't met before. A black girl, very friendly.
MIL then proceeds to thank her for responding promptly (which she did do) .. and that some of the others aren't as prompt .. and she then responded to MIL . ."I'll be here til 11 PM, so you'll see me again if you need anything else". MIL then saying to her, "well you are just so pleasant and I want to thank you for being so kind, . ya know some of the people here .. there are some of them that are black and they just don't like white people . you can tell in their attitudes".
Fortunately this gal didn't seem to take offense . and she also had some common ground on the topic in that she's new there . .and so .. was able to cite her own uncomfortable-ness in the fact she's new there and so . not really welcomed into the work clique.
But I just thought, .. "oh for GOD'S SAKE WOMAN .............". Way to make some enemies right out of the gate.
I think she gets too much credence as to her incessant complaints . as to the folks don't come fast enough, some of them are unkind ..
I don't have to hear it much .. I rarely have a chance to go visit MIL or talk to her these days, . waging my dad's saga at present. I don't get a lot of exposure to it all.
But I do know, that it's MIL's most fervent wish that she be "OUT OF THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLACE".
What she doesn't know . is that .. we've seen almost any that are geographically desirable anyway . .and .. most of them are gonna be just like what she's experiencing there. And it AIN'T all that bad.
HER ONLY HOPE . to escape that kind of setting is if some miraculous miracle of miracles should rain down upon her . . and find her functionality turned 180 degree fold . and she is somehow now able to function.
Then, she could go to that quaint little apartment like setting with all the other functionals under that roof.
That's not likely to happen. It's a long shot at best.
Long story short, during your saga here, my mom was placed in the rehab/snf as MIL was for a period of time, and then briefly back in her house which was a disaster, and finally "family place", where she spent her last 7 months.
My mom's Family Place sounds like you describe, although obviously they could be totally different, but we could not have had a better experience considering the circumstances. Mom received much MORE attention there than the profit rehab/snf, and with much more caring type people. I think the staff themselves more or less "self-policed", meaning - if anyone was rude, unqualified, etc. they were out, as the others would not tolerate it.
Yes, a big draw was that they would see Mom through til the end, which they did, deferring to Mom and the family's wishes in every way and circumstance. They drove her to doctor's visits, had a birthday party for her, took time to chit-chat and listen to her ramble. Family was welcome to visit 24/7 and like with you guys, proximity was a huge plus.
Not all there were "slumpers". Many were, others actually became "friends" in a way with mom, as they were all in the same limited end-of-life boat, and the staff had a way of drawing people out.
Anyway - that was our experience, and further research and carefully observing the place and interactions there might be very helpful for the future. Maybe even talking to some of the more lucid residents would help to get a feel for the place. (MIL, like my mom, will never go anywhere happily, besides back to her own house of course, which can't be.)
I don't think she ties that in .. as I might do, .. "oh man, let me get this done and let that person get back to what they need to do, they're busy".
That's where it would be so much improved if she wasn't so opposed to fraternizing with the peer population there on site. She is though, opposed, and doesn't do so.
I guess this had all reared it's head this whole thing surfacing, .. as MIL had a visit from a staff member from "We are Family" .. and so ...
In the b'ground of all that, you will always have, until the day the mother breathes her last breath .. the daughter in SIL . who will try to spin as many tops and find as many magic whirligigs as she can deploy to try to find the magic solution to her mom's happiness.
I think SIL realizes that her mom isn't going to be happy, sans placed back into her own home (and that's not possible). But I think, just from what I observe, .. SIL's goal ... if she can be "less" unhappy. So there ya go, the next magic whirligig ordered up. I'm guessing it was SIL that set this up to have a staff member go interview, talk with MIL.
Either that or the attorney's office SW. Not sure.
But in the end, there was some dialogue with SIL, between she and the SW .. via email. The SW explaining to SIL . that she is presently in a SNF . and Medicaid will pay "X" dollars towards a SNF. An ALF however,.... they only pay a waiver of $1200. And then costing out for SIL .. what that will look like, .. and that they will need to get VA aids and attendants as an add'l way to offset cost for her to go to "We are Family" . .as they are an ALF, not a SNF. And that it takes months to get VA aids and attendants approved, .. and then explaining further to SIL .. what the tax implications might be, as to a retroactive approval ... of VA Aids and Attendants . and it paying back to date of application .. a lump sum, etc.
What is agreed upon is this, .. there are slumpers a'plenty .. where she is presently, but also at We are Family. They are slumpers in every setting we've been to, to observe. No way around it.
What is failed to be addressed . and I'm not going there, their decision(s) are theirs.
I think MIL . for whatever (I'd love to know if it's in the DSM somewhere) .. her firm denial .. that she is old . .and essentially a slumper herself .. she is bound to a wheelchair herself,, . unless she is in the PT room and there are two staff there, to help her to get up onto the walker, and walk the 100 or so feet she can manage. Other than that, she too is bound to a wheelchair. She struggles, . indeed she does, . .and does it, putting herself at enormous risk .. to get up out of her wheelchair and toilet herself, . get out of her bed and into the wheelchair, and vice versa. And she does do it .. most times, successfully . .with no assistance . but mighty struggle . .. terrible struggle.
DH talks about how he goes to see her, and finds her laying in the bed, . no magazine open to peruse . no book being read, . no tv on . just silence. Her laying in the bed looking at the ceiling . .and/or .. less often . in her wheelchair sitting in silence . nothing at all engaging her, no book, no tv.
She too is a slumper, . she just isn't "seen" out and sitting among the other slumpers. She's seen in her room.
I think she envisions herself . whatever the DSM would define it as . that she doesn't see it ..
She isn't a slumper, . this wasn't going to happen to her, . this getting old business .. how in the world has she found herself in this setting with all these "old people" ..
I guess she thinks she's 30 .. really . truthfully.
At We are Family, the population is going to be much the same as what is currently
What is currently the setting.
We are Family has no on site PT facility. I remember asking about that, .. and they said that PT staff visit the site, to work with patients. What I didn't ask, and won't be asking . as I'm no longer as engaged .. "What if they need the services of the equipment of an on site PT facility?". My guess, they get carted out for same, but I didn't ask.
At present, . the PT visit daily . where she resides currently . is her one sole reason to breathe and exist. It gives her a goal, it gives her a reason to wake up each day, to engage. She is carted to the on site PT room and worked with there. That wouldn't be the case in We are Family .. I guess she'd have a PT person to visit . but there are limitations when there is no exercise equipment on site facility.
As DH put it, .. "she's got the best of all worlds right now, in the present setting in that . chatty cathy is n.e.v.e.r. in the room, she has essentially a private room".
He's right. For someone who was so opposed to having to share a room with an "old person". She's got the best of all worlds ..
Chatty Cathy . child like that she is ..
She is wheelchair bound herself, but is up . staff come get her, . help her to dress every AM . and carted off to her coloring station (that's what she does with her time generally, sit out in the lobby at a desk of sorts and colors all day in child coloring books). She is out there all day, and into the evening. She goes to the dining room for meals . she engages in activities there, if a movie is being shown . she's there, if a game is being played . she's there. She's not in the room, all day . and into the evening.
As DH put it, . "She could be stuck in that room with some room mate that whines and moans all day long . and is remanded to the damn bed and can't get out and about and isn't social . and is out of it . she's got the best of all worlds right where she is, . Chatty Cathy is never around".
But she wants out of that GODFORSAKEN PLACE.
What she doesn't know, . is that she would define them all, given the opportunity, ability to go view them, . she'd define them all as GODFORSAKEN PLACES.
What she so loathes about it all, . is going to be the setting . and in fact, she fails to recognize/accept/acknowledge that she needs to be in that setting herself . she's not old, those other people are old, not her. She fails to embrace that.
If she were able, . and could be somehow carted around to all the sites we've viewed, . she would find in each of those sites, . just what she so loathes in the site she's presently in .. they're all full of "old people", "slumpers" .. and they all have over worked, unfriendly staff in some cases.
There is no pie in the sky . .paradise.
It's not there, doesn't exist. .
I guess in the end, . there is some pushback from DH to his sister, on entertaining a notion of a move to We are Family .. at least thus far.
DH's notion . "she's got the best of all worlds where she is right now, there is on site PT . the slumpers . she's gonna have those there at We are Family, so move her there why? Because it's closer for us ..??.... it's not an issue where she is presently . yes a little further but not prohibitively so .. ".
As DH put it . thinking out loud, talking to me, .. "unless she gets up and gets more mobile . I see no reason for her to be moved .. and even then . it's the same setting at We are Family . only smaller .. and they don't have the medical staff there at We are Family that is seen at where she is presently . and she needs that . so unless something miraculous changes ... I'm the one that's gonna pull the trigger that she's staying put".
I asked him, because I'm genuinely curious . he has no answers.
"What in the name of GOD will you do to get her to deal with that, . she is living for the damn day . and participatory in PT . to the
To the extent that to her, .. it somehow equates to, if she can get stronger, she will be let out of that God forsaken place .. and I guess . in her mind's eye . she can go to a Utopia of a place, where the other residents are more functional like her (she doesn't see she isn't) .. there will be cute/quaint little apartments . and she can have her own space, not a shared room . and so forth . what in the name of GOD will you do when/if that day comes, that you pull the trigger on nixing any move".
He didn't' have an answer.
His only response was more from the sense of dealing with his sister .. not from the respect of dealing with is mom.
DH: "In the end, it's my decision whether she moves or not . and I'm the one here, not SIL . when she was in IL w/SIL I deferred to her, and let her call the shots on what she thought should take place, . mom is here now, SIL isn't . and so .. if I say "no" . then "no means no" . and SIL will just have to deal with it .. ".
That wasn't what I asked, but he does have a valid point . I guess SIL will have to put down her wand of trying to find the magic whirligig of a different setting that will make her mom "less" unhappy ..
Personally I think she needs to stay put ..
Yes the other place is smaller, and maybe in that, . staff that aren't as taxed .. but who knows, .. all these places (most of them) ... see a stranger come view the place and they smile and act friendly . and you ask the appropriate questions. But you don't know the true feel of the place, til you're in it. Where she is at present, . had we known (or whether MIL is valid in her complaints and that's debatable) .... we toured there, .. and the staff were friendly and kind . and the place is clean . it appears to be professional and so forth. It's safe.
And best of all, there are RN's on staff 24/7 ... on site. Don't know how many and doesn't matter really . because the RN's aren't the ones that make the rounds that's the CNA's . but the CNA's are licensed CNA's where she is presently . as opposed to we are family, they are just trained aides.
MIL does have medical maladies that need attention. She gets chitapalooza at the drop of a hat .. at least one day a week, usually more. She .. as was the case the other day . complaining of abdominal pain . and so med staff sought by DH who was on site there, .. she was found to be somewhat not lucid . and tested for and found to have an oncoming UTI. Rx'd an antibiotic immediately.
I think she needs to stay put in that GOD FORSAKEN PLACE. But it's not my decision.
As to my dad . going there shortly for what will be a case management meeting as to the progress/goals as to the Rehab site. Still no discussion . on the cancer dx . but that's coming, if not today . then imminently .. and it'll I guess be up to me to bring that to the table for discussion.
Edit to add. I remain angry at my brother but even more so, frustrated with me. I know, anger isn't going to change anything and it's a waste of what is already too low of reserve as to my own energy and mindset. I know all that, far too well.
But angry I am. My brother could & should engage more and if not then dont arm hair QB the game already in motion which he does too often. Engage, spend quantifiable time on site but stop feigning all this concern that is in the end, hindsight and pretty unsubstantiated as to any validity.
Working with myself to let it go. Not successfully thus far.
24hr RN on site is great.
Hope the next few days go as smooth as possible with your Dad and his upcoming Dx.
And, while it’s absolutely pointless to ponder on any one of them...
I found myself thinking - the very first thing that came to mind as I was reading the most recent updates on MILs situation - was “Gee, it’s too bad the Veterans A&A wasn’t sought out several years ago - when it might have made a difference”.
Might MIL been able to stay in her home longer? Maybe, would MILs rate of deterioration been slowed? Would life had been made a little easier for ALL of the players involved - with help via A&A?
But then, I remember MILs stance that she wouldn’t have “strangers” in the house and all her objecting saying she would “manage”, she “knows what needs to be done” - sil and dh going along with all her nonsense. So mil could be happy.
Well, MIL is sure not happy now.
Looking back at all the “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” is pretty pointless. No doubt about it. But is does make me wonder - again and for the millionth time - why they fight you? The absolutely worst choice - that’s the one they choose. Why they choose the worst path - every. step. of. the. way?
Surely, there has to be some reasonable elders out there... Maybe we just don’t see them because their caregiving sons and daughters don’t need to come to sites such as this.
I know, I know. It’s pointless to ponder. But still... I can’t help but wonder.
I didn't file it away . it wasn't applicable in our situation and would have been woefully inadequate, thus .. wasn't ever anything entertained.
Rainmom is right. MIL, of the various hospitalizations and discharge planning, there would be an array of services, scheduled for in-home, PT/OT . .and at times a HHC nurse to visit. Always, . without fail, MIL wouldn't see it through, citing she "isn't up to having visitors".
Explaining to her . .they aren't visitors, they are there to do their job, work with you on your various ailments.
She didn't want "strangers" coming and going, blah blah blah.
Has a long history of dismissing anyone brought to bear as to services. I don't have a doubt in my mind, . . had we all had the resources (we don't) .. to bring in around the clock care . in her beloved home she has so woefully lost and laments routinely now ... she'd of dismissed each and every one of them, every time. Not a single shred of a doubt about it.
As for why VA A&A wasn't in place prior to now. It was always (I never looked into it myself) .. she'd of had to have been extending out dollars in her care, and show proof of same .. to substantiate any claim to VA A&A.
She wasn't. Remember, .. she'd manage . and had her keystone cops daughter and son ... bumping into walls in every direction .... at least after I stepped away .. trying to prove she could do just that "manage on her own" .. all to make sure she was "happy".
I don't know if she can qualify at the same time, concurrently for Medicaid waiver for ALF and also for VA A&A. And I'm not gonna vest any interest in looking that up. The atty SW, didn't seem to state that would be prohibited .. as in . if she gets a waiver for ALF .. and gets "X" dollars from VA A&A .. she will then be at "X" dollars as to the expense of moving to ALF.
Not up to me, to do a deep dive on that topic, won't be doing it.
The only 2 ALF's we've ever even looked at (as she is WHOA ............ WHOA IS SHE NOT equipped to be in an ALF). One of them was the place where there were ample elderly there, . and all on walkers, and functional and yes, cute little apartments, but the expectations there as to the residents and their functionality .. way way way over anything MIL would achieve. We nixed that one. The only other one we looked at is the We are Family, which is indeed classified as an ALF. BUT .. .I'm here to tell ya .. the patient population there . they are NOT ALF. And when asked about it, they stake their claim to fame .. "we hang onto our residents here, so they don't have to then transition to another site, .. we do the best we can to stay with them as they age and grow more weak and frail".
Hmm. ookay.
Haven't looked at any other ALF's ......... at all.
When I say that MIL herself is a slumper, . she is. She just isn't seen with the other population of slumpers . opting instead to hibernate in her room . .and interact only with staff who come and go .. those that will interact anyway.
She's not a candidate for ALF, not in the sense of the site we first visited. Not even a little bit.
And as for my brother .. and dealing with my anger over it all.
Let's not forget how he lit me up like a xmas tree, or tried to .. weeks back when all this broke lose with my bio dad and stepmom, for "not keeping him in the loop" as to the goings on here.
Since that time, I have done my level best to inform him (though why I'm not sure . .as he doesn't come around much).
I even let him know that the care team meeting was to have been today at "X" o'clock . .if he cared to come join in.
No phone call, no presence. Nothing.
So now, I could (and maybe should) reach out with the nothingness of news as to that meeting. But don't know that I will.
Dorker certainly has her hands full but maybe the involvement with her father is a blessing in disguise as it seems to be one where she can do positive steps that seem to be appreciated. My previous post on this subject was about MIL sadly in reality being a slumper herself and that the broken record of her stating over and over her life wasn't supposed to arrive at this point needed to be dismissed. I guess she has to have that as her mantra. It is odd because it seems she possessed intelligence and accomplished a decent amount of positive activity in her earlier years. But of course dementia can erase all that. I also wasn't focusing on the fact that Happy Family is in the category of an AL which affects the situation of Medicaid. Taking that into consideration it does seem that where she is now may be the best option if that can be the case.
Once again I admire your strength and always enjoy hearing what you have to say.
I didn't want any role as to sorting thru the various nuances of her setting and the pitfalls thereof and was determined to not sink with that ship. What I had envisioned was that I'd come see her occasionally, bring her something she likes for lunch, sit outside and have a picnic maybe .. just a nice visit.
I haven't had time to do any of that. She has been adrift, as far as my presence there.
She sees her g'daughters and her son goes to see her . if not every other day . close to it, calls her daily. Her daughter has now gone back to IL with the doggie in tow.
Talks to her daughter, I think . a few times daily as has always been the case.
I have told DH that I don't feel as he does. He can sink . even still . into pits of his own despair at his mom's sadness. He vacillates some. Sometimes he gets disgusted by it all, to the tune that he's sick of hearing it .. as he has nothing more to offer .. .he's said everything that can be said, .. at least 1000 x's if not more . there's nothing left to say and he's tired of repeating himself.
Other times, his sadness is palpable .. at the mom and how sad she is.
I've told him that I don't have that struggle, and I don't. Maybe that's because .. A) she's not my mom. But more to the point .........B) I saw this coming long before you and your sister would take a dose of reality pie .. been saying it, a long long time.
Sometimes watching his sadness .. and the despair he sometimes exhibits . I feel as though there must be something wrong with me that I don't feel that same empathy. I truly don't though.
I know that I went to numerous sites and visited, talked to the powers that be (DH did also, to some of them), as did SIL .. to all of them. I saw deplorable and I saw suitable ..
I didn't see anything at all that was "now this is just grand and splendid" .. so I was prepared, none of it is gonna be pie in the sky paradise. . I knew that going in.
The place where MIL resides at present, is safe, it's clean . it's not overcrowded and chaotic (as some I saw). It appears to me they are responsive when there is a medical issue or possibility of same.
So they hang her clothes up (including underwear) rather than put them in a drawer. So what? So they don't come as quickly as she would like. Subjective if you ask MO. So some of them aren't as kind ... such is life .. MIL lived a secluded isolated existence the last several years and wasn't really out and about to deal with much of anybody. As I said, .. I can encounter at any walk of life daily . folks that just aren't as friendly and kind. Doesn't mean the individual is unkind . it simply means the individual isn't a chatty sort. So be it.
Maybe elderly are less adept at coping .. maybe so .. but that isn't cause for . light a fire move her. Not at all, not in my mind. She's gonna encounter that same thing anywhere she lands. It's life.
I just am not as empathetic to it all, not hardly.
As SIL texted last night, to both DH and myself (neither of us answered her). She was lamenting that her mom has chitapalooza again (doesn't she always) . and that she is complaining they don't seem interested in getting to the bottom of the why's on the topic (the mom complaining). SIL then going on in that text, to state: "Unfortunately . there are probably things they can do to maybe take a closer look at that, but they'd likely be more invasive than what she'd want to endure". She goes on to say beyond that, "sure wish she'd be agreeable to it, and a cause/fix could be found. It might make her pretty miserable and frustrating life a little better".
I didn't respond, nor did DH.
I wouldn't of had anything kind
Wouldn't of had anything kind to say, thus I didn't weigh in.
Had I responded I would've said .. something akin to: "Your mom is in part, making her own misery . in refusal to engage and accept her circumstances .. and be a part of the world she now exists in .. that can be fixed . and it's not invasive to do so".
I don't weigh in anymore, rarely.
Too engaged in my dad's world and my energy is in large measure spent on that front. Thus, .. I'm rather ambivalent if anything . on the MIL front.
In some senses . it is a little more rewarding to be on the front with the dad scene as he is .. not as cognitively impaired (if at all in fact) .. and so .. what is said to him, makes sense to him and I don't get a bunch of hogwash in dealing with him.
I still find it frustrating how the above sentiment .. "your mom's misery is in part, on her .........................", it doesn't dawn on SIL .. ever! It's always the next magic fix to whatever ails her mom. Be that the phone cord that tangles too easily, or the clothing that is on hangars rather than in a drawer, or the never ending chitapalooza . or the We are Family as an option for moving her mom too. It's always about 5 plates spinning in the air in the endeavor to make her mom (or herself) "less unhappy".
I just don't buy into it anymore.
I'm not at all clear that it's not just "old people" stuff and not necessarily chitapalooza but just loose stool.. very loose.
SIL at one time, there where MIL is, tried getting attention to what would at first seem to be chitapalooza... but I guess the feedback she got from staff there was such that in nursing homes .. loose stool doesn't necessarily mean chitapalooza. That in order for it to be treated and raise much attention, it would have to be multiple occurrences. I guess the inference there, old folks are or can be, prone for loose stools.
It's only something that rises to attention when it reoccurs throughout any given day.
Makes sense.
I dont know that anyone dialed down on what was the blurb of yesterday's news of poor mom ... she chit all over herself again.
Did anyone dial down on "again? As in ... this is the 4th time today!!!!!" ...or... "no ... just that one time".
I didnt ask.
MIL’s journey is slower than most. More time to torture everyone with her intractability. 😔
Yesterday I'd gone to the Care Team meeting on behalf of my dad, while also having run by the dept store for new underwear and a couple of books for him.
Atended the meeting. Visited a while, helped sort out for him a worry that a specific check had in fact cleared his bank account. A worry that had kept him up the night before apparently.
Then it was a matter I left him, ran to bank to cash a check to leave $ under the door mat for the lawn guy due to come to his house as well as set up and pay for someone to come pressure wash at his house and now grab his mail so I can bring that next time I visit to help him to pay any bills coming due.
This was yesterday. Finally got home about 3 or so in the afternoon to now tend to some of the things on MY agenda needing attention.
No time to go see MIL. Had I not stumbled on the rocky road of learning boundaries I'm quite sure I'd be walking the path these days of 2 geriatrics and need and pulling my hair out.
Then fast forward to yesterday evening when I get a frantic phone call from my dad. He was most upset and addled. Story goes K's daughter slated to leave today for the weekend, to go to her own home. This leaves K then unattended, alone. There is a paid c'giver that can be summoned into the site and dad frantic because K refusing to allow for this but yet K's daughter leaving/vacating. Which leaves K all alone.
K has dementia and is prone to, particularly at night, get addled, frightened, disoriented... just wont do well alone. Dad frantic over this and somewhat miffed that K's daughter would be so "selfish". We all know how addled K can get (and she does, it's not an exaggeration).
Dad near panic on the phone with me sorting thru all this. Hes sure (hes probably right) K will call him in the middle of the night frantic, panicked, addled, disoriented. And he cant do anything about it. Hes in Rehab presently.
Talking dad down from his near frantic state on the eve of what's sure to be a quagmire in the daughter departing for the weekend and K's refusal to allow for paid c'giver to stay there.
No I didnt (and wont) offer to then go be K's minder for the weekend at her daughters departure. Nope.
Appealed to my dad to talk to his wife and try to persuade her .... if you won't allow the c'giver to stay for the weekend for you .. do it for me ... for my peace of mind (dads peace of mind). Maybe she'll dig in her heels she doesn't NEED a paid c'giver for the weekend...feels she'll be fine (likely no she wont be) ... but if she wont do it for her ... try to persuade her to do it on your behalf dad .. so you wont be worried. Maybe she'll agree to it if it means lessening your worry.
In the end that did work. K now agreeable to let paid c'giver come for the weekend...persuaded not by her own need but by dad's and lessening his worry, her there alone.
But the above then bumping up on my radar to help sort thru on the phone yesterday evening.
This geriatric business ... unless you know and observe boundaries it will consume you and swallow you into an abyss. It already consumes a lot of time & energy. But no ... wasn't going to throw my hand up in volunteering to babysit K for the weekend so her daughter can go home.
Anod FWIW I agree the daughter should exit for the weekend if she so desires and said as much to my dad, who disagrees. He thinks it deplorable & selfish K's daughter would leave what is known to be the case in her mom, addled/confused/disoriented... probability for same. Unspeakably selfish of K's daughter. Disagree ... and said as much ...theres a paid c'giver just waiting for word to report in. K refuses... not on her daughter to give up her existence to the scene there. Didnt convince my dad of my way of seeing that topic. On that .. no meeting of the minds. So be it.
You predicted that she'd up and leave.
K should be in a nice AL. Where your dad can join her when he's rehabbed.
I've shared that sentiment with my dad more than once and more to the point. It's going to be, considering her dementia, monumentally disruptive to her well being to uproot from all shes ever known as her home and her more than willing/able to, all these years, care for said home/yard and meticulously so.
MO shared with my dad, that transition is only going to get harder and her care greater as time progresses. Her transition... she does love/care for my dad and would likely follow him into a tar pit if that's where he was going.
Should make that transition begin to happen now.
His response (obviously he is too compromised himself at present to entertain a lot of upheaval). His response is that they've made concessions in turning over yard work to paid crew (something they both enjoyed doing all these years). That they now have a paid housekeeper. Something they formerly never needed. That they have on standby, names for paid caregivers.
Much like MIL in all her "now I will manage". Same approach somewhat. Seemingly ... to him ... at least this far, all the resources brought to bear .. is the solution. For now.
I will keep pushing.
One of the hang ups as to any progression thereof would be K and poor mouthing. Shes famous for that. To hear her talk .. she doesn't know if they can afford groceries next week.
Dad ... knows that is not their situation. They CAN afford to self pay and knows the day "may" come.
Hasnt wanted to stand down that battle in his own recent health issues. MRSA in a foot that took a year or more to clear, hobbling him. Bad back in need of surgical intervention impeded by above MRSA. And the most recent maladies that sent things completely off the rails for both of them.
I'll keep pushing that agenda.