I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Dad May have the finances - may have the safety nets in the closets. But if he doesn’t roll them out and use them - now that all this is upon him...
It makes dad no different than You Know Who.
Once the waiting period - I always called it a “deductible” - was over the policy paid one rate for In Home Care, more for Assisted Living and then the top rate for a Nursing Home.
My parents set it up this way - the deductible and varying pay outs - to keep the premiums lower.
I was surpised however, that in my moms case - after they asked for a boatload of documentation and took forever to do it - they did determine my mom eligible long before I thought she was - and they back paid well over a years worth of In Home Care at the daily rate determined in the policy. Which, frankly - only covered about two hours a day.
For determining moms eligibility they had a list of seven ADL’s that mom needed to require full assist with at least three OR there needed to be a doctors diagnosis of Dementia. Diagnosed dementia over-rode everything.
Go figure.
I would think that the ideal for Dorker's father and stepmother might be an apartment in an AL facility for 2 or each residing in the same facility with stepmother being in MC and father being in AL. They then could visit each other. But getting to that policy is so important because the beginning is so drawn out. My mother entered in AL in November. I believe I began to receive the first payment in February. I also think we received back pay. I know she bought this policy along time ago and there was a rider for inflation. I believe it is much harder to buy this type of policy now but it sounds as though Dorker's father bought their policy some time ago.
So this morning .. all h377 breaks lose.
First and foremost (which I have zero to address w/it all). Get a text from SIL asking.
SIL: "Have you guys heard from mom? She says there was a CNA fired there. The CNA had dumped some old woman out of her wheelchair. Mom says she heard the old woman screaming and hollering, wanted to go help the old soul. Mom also says she thinks "C" isn't speaking to her (C is the head nurse, male) won't talk to her, thinks he is mad at her and thinks she went over his head and around him in talking to the doctor about her chitapalooza. Sounds like so and so . .is going to get her a new phone cord from maintenance there, that's good . the one she has tangles too easily . .she needs SOMETHING that will make her life easier. If one of you are going there, can you check on her water . .she says she doesn't have any water to drink and can one of you check on her clothes, pj's and stuff . she doesn't think she's getting her things, all of them, back from the laundry, can one of you check on that. And if one of you could move her things from the closet to the dresser .. she can't reach the things that are in the closet. When I was there I always took them out of the closet and folded them and put them in the dresser for her".
It was a group text sent to me and to DH. I had no intention of going there to see MIL and no one could possibly be under any impression that was on my agenda for the day.
I just wanted to scream. I ignored it.
Wow .. some cna dumped an old lady out of a wheelchair and is now fired. Sounds to me like perhaps some old people heard an old lady screaming or whatever and the rumor mill cranked into full gear.
Maybe it's true, maybe there is validity to it. But doubtful, IMO. But anyway, this is an issue why? IMO . if it is true .. a CNA has been fired, issue dispensed with. Done, . this gets up our flagpole why?
She thinks "C" isn't speaking to her, .. why? Because she went "around" C and spoke to her doctor about her ongoing chitapalooza. I don't know what world that is a crime in . that too .. a non issue. So she thinks "C" (male head nurse) isn't now speaking to her. I wouldn't let that stop me from speaking to my physician if I felt the need to do so. Again, this is an issue why?
So she needs more water? Does she not know how to push the nurse button? Have we not covered this oh about a million times.
Grand, que up the ticker tape parade, maintenance has ordered her a new phone cord. That too, a non issue that didn't really even bear mention. But whatever.
So she needs her clothes moved. You already asked me to do that and I declined .. citing that I don't think it's a good idea her clothing is accessible to her, as she has been asked to ask for assistance in changing clothes. Doesn't do so .. struggles to do it on her own .. and putting herself at enormous risk for fall .. so I declined to move her clothing and told you so and the reasons why. So you are asking this again .. why? Maybe DH will do so when he goes to visit today .. it goes against my compass to do so and I've stated that .. maybe he'll do it. He's going there today..
So she thinks some of her clothing is not being returned by Laundry folks. That's the other thing run up the flagpole. Again, maybe DH can look into that one, he's going there today.
I didn't answer any of the above. I didn't answer to it at all.
This all goes on as I receive the following phone call, before I left the house to go do some things, one of which is to run some reading material by to my dad on Squamous cell lung cancer . and will get into how that went in a minute.
But I get the following phone call from my dad as the above is coming at us.
Dad: "Hey Dorker, .. I don't know what's gone on at home . .at my house, sounds like K left the phone off the hook again (she'd done this
She'd done this last weekend when there was a paid c'giver on site .. necessitating a phone call to c'giver's cell to ask that she check phones, to see if they are off the hook, it was .. K hadn't hung up the phone good when she last used it).
Dad: "I think K must've not hung up the phone again .. I can't get thru to speak to her, it's just busy busy busy".
<Now I didn't, for whatever the reason .. think at the time, to give the c'giver phone # to my dad and pass the buck right back to him to handle it. I did ultimately do that as the whole thing progresses but not initially I didn't . I guess . just take it on Dorker, handle it . was my only thought>
So I now reach out, call the c'giver on her phone. Same drill as last week, ask that she check phones . that dad can't call there.
She soon calls me back from her cell, . "No all the phones are fine . there wasn't one off the hook here .. we can't dial out on it though, so something is wrong .. something has gone haywire here".
Me: SIGH . "ok, had this same problem when my dad was there and terribly sick . and I'd called Comcast (their phone carrier) and they suggested he reset the modem . do you know how to do that, . can you go try that before I report it out of order, see if that fixes it".
C'giver: "Ok .. I'll call you back let me go check".
Calls me back in a few mins .. "is the modem under the desk? That looks like a modem to me, but I'm not sure .. curiously though . there are no lights on, the thing isn't lit up at all, I mean it should have a power light at least".
Me: "Ya know, I've never dealt with it, I don't know. I'll call my dad and ask him".
Still not yet dawning on me, why don't you put dad and the c'giver in touch with one another and take yourself right out of this.
That's when the c'giver said, "Why don't you just have your dad call me (she doesn't have the phone # where my dad is located in Rehab . though I guess .. DOH!!!!!!!!!! I could've given it to her, but of course none of that dawning on me)... just have your dad call my cell and he can walk me through where his modem is located".
Me: "Ok, I'll call him and let him know".
Try to call my dad now his phone is busy. Not like that ever happens. It never does.
So I call the nurse desk .. (his phone was off the hook yesterday when I got word that the stay has been extended and tried to reach him. Took a call to the nurse desk, to go to his room and hang up the phone, for me to talk to him). So I call the nurse desk . "can you go check my dad's room . I think the phone might be off the hook, I can't reach him".
She comes back, . no . he's on the phone, I told him to call you when he gets off.
Oh okay.
Don't know why in any of this it hadn't yet dawned on me, .. to put the two of them in touch and take me outta all this. But it hadn't.
So I now call the c'giver back on her cell, to let her know I'm unable to get my dad he's on the phone with someone . but when I do .... I will give him your # and ask that he call you.
My dad calls me back . and I relay to him, "Call the c'giver she is trying to figure out where your modem is and so forth . needs you to walk her thru that".
Dad: "Oh for Christ's sake, K knows how to do that".
Me: Dad I talked to K, she is all frazzled and addled and mad as a hornet that the pressure washers are there .. and that has her undone .. just as mad as she can be about that . can't even think straight . says that she feels like she's having chest pains just over that, I didn't even cover any ground with her, on modems".
Dad; For crying out loud .. yea I guess I should've known it would undo K to have the pressure washers on site there . doesn't take much to un-nerve her .. I was actually on the phone with K's daughter . she pizzed me off royally. I guess you've been in contact with her and she now knows the discharge date for my release here".
Me: "Yes . she has texted me a few times over the last several
Call 911 and tell them K is unresponsive to phone calls.
Yes, she has texted me a few times over the last few days inquiring if I know of your discharge date. I'd told her they had it tentatively set for Sunday but that I pushed back on that . and she texted again this morning, to ask if that got moved. I told her, . yes it's been moved to Friday".
Dad: "Okay. Well she called here with a damned AGENDA .. she is looking to get it all lined up so she can beat a path outta there and outta her mother's care . and had it all on her mind that I am to now jump to the beat of her drum and get lined up with thus and so as to sitters and minders and get it done now. Her AGENDA .................... is that get done . so she can get a whole bunch of GONE . and beat a path out of her mom's care .. and I'm just not gonna be jumping to the beat of her drum".
Me: "Yes .. well you and I talked about that yesterday that you'd be needing to line up some c'givers . .for you and K . for when you go home . you have a few days to get that done, you don't have to jump on that right this minute . you get outta there on Friday, so you have time to get it lined up. Now as to that c'giver's phone #, do you have something to write with".
Dad: "Well her damned agenda is that I get on this like yesterday she wants assurance she can get the h377 gone from there . and the sooner the better".
Me: "Do you have a pen to write down the c'giver's cell #"..
So he gets a pen, I give him the number. That ends our conversation ... me telling him I'd see him in a little bit with some reading material.
(I'd printed out some things off the net about Squamous cell lung cancer, for his reading pleasure <HA!>).
That ends our conversation.
I'm going on w/what needs doing here . when the phone rings again, it's the c'giver .. who has by now . talked to dad, walked her way thru . what she figures to be the modem and reset it . though she can't figure out . it's plugged in . she's checked that, there isn't a light one on any of it, no power . so it would appear. She has since then called Comcast herself, but they won't work with her, as she has no account info .. and particulars as to who the account holder is . and so .. they said they'd need to talk to the account holder.
This then set in motion K calling dad .. K who is frazzled and addled already at the fact pressure washers are on site there, working outside (don't ask me why that should frazzle someone, they aren't asking her to go outside and pressure wash . all she has to do is sit tight and wait for them to finish and be on their way . but for whatever the reason that has her undone . completely at her witts end).
This then set in motion that K then is talking to dad . and sharing with him the c'giver can't get anything done on the issue .. that she (K) doesn't have the account info or know where to get it (remember they each pay their own bills, finances . and so she wouldn't have that info, nor in her dementia state . know where to even locate it).
This then incensed dad who was quick to tell his wife to calm the h377 down and go sit down . dont' worry about it, I'll get Dorker to handle it, she has all my accounts and info. I'll get Dorker to take care of it, go sit down and relax and don't worry with it.
So then dad calls me back now, to call Comcast to get them on this issue . since I happen to have his account info.
And no .. K's daughter has flown the coop for the weekend, .. c'giver on site, she's gone home. Not there to work to resolve any of this.
So now I'm back in it anyway . even if had it occurred to me from the beginning to remove myself and make this between c'giver on site to work modem issue and dad himself who has it all set up there. I'm back in it now.
So now . call Comcast and get lost in their phone tree . trying to reach a human.
Finally get a human .. impart appropriate info . and the human . says they will now call the c'giver on site to walk thru some troubleshooting
troubleshooting steps . which they have to do before ordering any technician to the site.
Okay fine, ..
So then I finally finish perusing thru some materials online to print out .. in between dealing with the above .. as to Squamous cell cancer .
Most things have all these hyper links . and not wanting to give him printed info .. .that he has no access to hyper link . nor did I wish to go thru a bunch of it to open up all these different pages to print things. Just give me a broad overview in one page. Finally found that, 33 pages worth in fact, . and printed that out to cart over to visit my dad.
Left here, made a couple of stops .. and then on my way to visit dad.
That's when I called the c'giver back: "Did they ever call you from Comcast .. I talked to them and gave them the specifics they needed to open a ticket and they now have that . so they said they'd call you to walk you thru some troubleshooting . did they get you?".
C'giver: "No . nobody has called me".
CHIT! CHIT! CHIT!
And somehow I'm supposed to have concerned myself in all the above with concerns on MIL's front. Screw that!
So now, call Comcast again .. tell the whole schpeil again . to the next customer rep that answers .. and that I had previously spoken to them . and was advised they'd be calling the c'giver on site to have her troubleshoot . no one ever called.
The rep then checks the records . "I see we didn't call because the issue appear to be in the area, not specific to their address, . it notes here the issue will be fixed by 3 PM today . there are technicians working in the area to correct the problem".
SIGH
Okay .. so call the c'giver back and update her . that there's no need for her to troubleshoot . .the problem is said to be in the area, and being worked on.
Dispensed with that, went in to visit dad and give him the paperwork that I'd printed out on Squamous cell lung cancer.
Visited a few mins . and then dug out that paperwork to give him. The look on his face, was like someone just farted . like he smelled something rotten and no interest at all in picking it up to read it. I followed with, "well as you know we touched on this briefly yesterday and I shared with you the conversation I'd had with the oncologist . and so I figured since you're stuck up here in this rehab and no access to any info . that maybe you'd like to read some about it in your spare time .. up to you".
Dad: "I know more than I ever needed to know ... I worked in health care claims all my life . I know enough to know I handled the claims of a guy that died of that . Squamous cell lung cancer . we handled the expensive claims . including hospice which was the end result for that guy".
Me: "And no claims from anyone who beat it dad? Doesn't have to be a death sentence, .. but ya know .. read up on it . .if ya want ... up to you ... if it were me, .. I'd want my hands on anything I could find, to get educated on it . and as I said yesterday .. a lot isn't yet known . as to whether it's metastasized . and that can tell more of the story . but we won't know .. not yet".
He never made any motion to reach for it, to look at it. I tucked it in with his other reading material there . and said my g'byes and that was that. I left.
I just checked, by calling the home # for my dad .. a good indicator of whether that 3 PM deadline was met . as it's now after 4 here . and no . it's still out of order.
I don't think I'll bother with it anymore. I gave the case # to the c'giver in case someone should ask for it, in dealing with it . she can follow thru or not.
I am to watch the g'babies tomorrow . a full day .. so that DD and her husband and the 5 yo . can go to a springs nearby and float for the day and enjoy some water fun.
There's a part of me that would like to reach out to my brother . thinking . wishing I had in him . someone to back up and reiterate . some
some of what's going on. Dad is now aware of the big "C" dx that he so wanted to kick the can down the road on . .and thus far .. I've printed some materials for him to read up on it, . but he hasn't shown any interest.
Tread lightly dear brother . he already is quick to light a fuse and get angry .. as the other issue on the radar .. I've encouraged that he begin to set in motion some c'giver coverage for when he arrives home in less than a week .. and all . fine and good, except with K's daughter called to encourage the same, you'd of thought . by what he said about it, she was treating him like a child and directing him what to do . and when/how . and he wasn't having it, so tread lightly .. but also brother dear .. I've opened dialogue with him that needs reiterating . that he needs to be talking/considering what he's to do about future arrangements . settings/facilities, things such as D and MPOA ............ and so forth . and so you need to . in talking to him . perhaps bring that into the fold and a united front here on the thinking.
I should probably be .. at least putting this in brother's ear.
But I haven't . and don't want to, because I've had more than my share of drama for the day . and I don't want to deal with brother and his questions . that are at times non sense . and worse yet BB and her's. I just don't wanna deal with it.
When my mother began her present downhill journey I had to make an hour trip into NYC to the hospital,then rehab,then told release from there was imminent and I needed to find her an AL ASAP because she was about to be released and my daughter was almost at 9 months of pregnancy and my husband and I were due in Texas to help. I leaned heavily on the advice of the social worker at the rehab facility and we found a place near my home that was nice and had space. I hope you might be able to locate the LTC policy but even if not right away you know there is money for them. Unless they start with 24/7 care.
I mean, I don’t even know K’s daughter and I’m feeling sorry for her.
Clearly - clearly, your father is of the mind set that he expecting - and one breath away from demanding that K’s daughter put her life on pause and be there, at their house - to take care of her mother.
Your father is sounding more, more and more like mil with each passing conversation. Your father is expecting the daughter to stop her own existence so she can be there to prop it all up - so that father and K can stay in their house and continue to live as they want.
K’s poor daughter is being expect - by YOUR father - to become the you in MILs past life. And be prepared - when K’s daughter comes to you with her boundaries in place and says “Bullchit! He’s not my father..” - YOUR father is gonna start expecting the steppin and fetching from you.
Im betting long about now, K’s daughter is second guessing every penny she accepted from K and your father. She’s weighing out what it’s really gonna cost her.
It really puts all of sil’s twitchy, petty, urgent requests on behalf of her mother into perspective, doesn’t it?
Take the clothes from the closet indeed! Ha!
You are right in the thick of it all, but you are navigating well. It's so much work but not nearly as bad as if you were taking it all on. You are keeping your boundaries very well.
Boy, nobody knows what this is like 'til they've been through it, or read your very excellent accounts of it all. Thank you for that. It's an education that all can use. Reading it, I see a lot that I would have done differently had I known before my own "trial by fire".
Take a deep breath and take each crisis as it comes, and most definitely back out of any MIL business and let Dh take care of things. You are going to have to enlighten your Brother on what needs doing as you can't be everything for Dad and his wife, it's just too too much. Hopefully once your Dad is home and has had the additional tests done you will have a better picture of their needs, and he will be receptive to their care needs going forward, as he will feel more like himself once he's home and can put things into perspective, he does sound like a reasonable man, all things considered.
I am thinking of you as you navigate these troublesome waters! Take Care!
No I'm not . I don't know who he is talking to.
I could've done one of two things.
1. tell her the number for the nurse desk . which would've caused all kinds of confusion .. in her . and taken far more energy than I have at this point to deal with .
2. called the nurse desk myself, "can you check my dad's phone again please".
I did neither. I was just done for the day.
I figured that was probably the situation ... that he'd forgotten to hang up the phone . and an easy fix . just call the nurse desk. But I was just done.
Didn't do any of it.
Later dad called, "Hey Dorker, .. I don't know if you tried to call me . I'd forgotten to hang up my phone earlier, it had been laying there off the hook and a CNA found it .. soon as she hung it up . K called .. so I didn't know if I missed a call from you".
No dad, . that's fine . I didn't try to call you . have a good evening ..
SHEESH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OLD PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE!
Yes. He wants enslavement of K's daughter. Why do you not think that you are next? By his, "I'll get Dorker to do X," he's going to expect it of you, too. He had you fixing the frustrating Comcast issue in no time. That is just the beginning of what he will try to make you do. And don't you live closer than K's daughter? It's going to be very hard once he's home to separate what is done for him and what is done for K (other than transportation to individual appointments; are you going to be responsible for transportation to all of his medical appointments? Will you do it so that you will know what is going on with your father's health?) You SAY you aren't going to do this or that, but when your father calls, I think there is a strong possibility that you are going to do what he demands, just what happened with the Comcast issue. And when it's a health issue, I fear you are going to be even more likely to start steppin' and a fetchin', hoppin' and a jumpin' to the tune of that man's needs. A man who didn't care about you when you were young and wouldn't pay the proper child support for you and your brother.
If you don't have DPOA, then how were you able to file a Medicare appeal for more rehab days? When we did this for my mother, I thought my brother had to do it since he was POA. Or maybe you just authorized/signed for it, and Medicare doesn't ask for proof of POA?
Regardless, you are NOT his POA, and you really have to get that paperwork done. And then there is the issue of his assets, which is going to be a very big mess if something isn't done. I've noticed that when you talk to your father, you couch things in very gentle terms. The time has come to be more direct with him. "I can't do X until you do Y." He has shown that he likes to put things off. Do you really think he's going to change now?
Does a caregiver stay with K around the clock when your father isn't there? Is this new since K's daughter left for the weekend? What is going to happen when K fires all the caregivers when your father returns home? Hasn't this happened before? You've told your father very gently what to do; do you think your father will insist on caregivers over K's objections? Has he ever been successful before? If not, why would it be now?
I also think he (note: HE) should start lining up caregivers ASAP. Why wait until just a day or two before his rehab discharge?
THanks to your long, painful involvement with MIL, you know a thing or two about eldercare.
You know a good attorney
You know how to keep boundaries
You know what a narcissist looks like.
The bad thing is that you're pretty burned out already.
You need to make it VERY clear to your dad that you are not going to respond to "emergencies" that happen because he won't arrange for the proper level of care for both him and his wife.
That your response to an emergency will be to call 911.
Cable, electric and stuff like that are just what we do for out parents. They are annoying but necessary.
Thinking when SIL left for IL things might get 'better' since you have handed 90% of MIL off on to DH, which is as it should have been for years.
Then up pops dad, with whom you do not have a great relationship-him and his kooky wife whom you also don't know well. And you're expected to play tea party with them?
SMH.
Is 'K's" daughter coming back? Hate to dump all this on her, but she's more aware of the family dynamic and knows their routine. Of course you can and should be as involved as is necessary--but running to the NH to see if the stupid phone is on/off the hook? I take it these folks don't have cell phones--altho, I say that with a grimace on my face--my mother is not allowed a landline by brother, and so he got her a cell phone she can't use and forgets to charge up. It's the most basic flip phone--no swiping involved--and she is totally befuddled by it. She ALWAYS says, when I go visit 'oh, I have PRAYING you'd come' and I pick up that stupid phone, flip it open and point to the 'on' button and the number 2 and say--THAT will call me. She's not successfully called me once in, oh, gosh, 10 years?
I do understand why your dad doesn't want to read about his cancer. There's really no 'good news' in that. Treatment at his age will be brutal--if the cancer has spread at all. All those years of smoking--the guilt alone would make anyone upset.
Also, the not knowing is awful. I got dxed with cancer last week. Due to it being a holiday weekend, my PCP couldn't get me in for a biopsy until Wed. The 3 days since dx have been the longest of my life. I have to tell my kids, and I don't want to. Hubby is depressed about it and rather than take me in his arms and hold me (as I am terrified) he has opted to stay in bed and watch one mindless movie after another. We all cope differently, I guess.
And poor K. She doesn't have all her cookies and no doubt she's stressed out about dad. You're doing a good job supporting them both. I do hope you do not get dragged from one elder drama into another.
Quiet on the MIL front. Not much can happen there and even tho she hates the slumpers and her roomie and the food--she's safe and being cared for. Try to 'enjoy' that for the time being.
And listen to Barb. I think she's the calmest voice of reason we have here!
But Dorker's continuing to do this stuff for her father is just going to lead to mission creep.
Dorker did NOT offer to call the rehab or intervene about phone off hook. Not her problems. I think she's developed a great BS meter.
Next will come a broken appliance and after that it will the AC. When you get to three, you sit down with your parent and say "I can't do this anymore, you'll have to move to a retirement community". And mean it.
And Dorker, I wouldn't bother with getting ANYTHING pressure washed (didn't you tell SIL that was a dumb thing to do?). You might backup and count that as #1. They clearly are no longer going to be able to maintain this home by themselves.
Is anyone else seeing a great big, flashing “Warning” sign in that for two nights in a row Dorkers father has been unable to properly put the phone on the frickin’ hook? I mean, it’s a fairly simple action. And - if it had happened just once to either my father or me - we’d be looking at it - being extra careful to check - when handing up that particular phone henceforth.
Not being able to get the receiver back on the cradle was one of the first symptoms my mother had... so maybe it’s just me.
OR - maybe Dorker could text sil with an urgent request to get dad a new phone cord while sil is purcuring MILs whirligig phone cord. Cause, of course in MILs case it CANNOT be her mental capacity... it’s clearly the phone cords fault. Same with father?
Like I've said - I’m seeing an awful
lot of similarities between dad and mil. Too many for comfort - if it were me. It’s like we should call this soap opera The Real Caregivers of Florida. It’s the same basic situation and storyline all over again - just different cast members and some role reversal. Seriously.
AND... what is it with all the pressure washing? Is it the humidity? I’ve never heard of so much pressure washing in all
my life. Sheez!
And for the book she's going to write, I think we need to have the illustrator do a powerwashing illustration, don't you think?
Dorker's busy today with her twin grandchildren, but I bet her father's burning up her phone. Question -- I wonder if her daughters have any sort of relationship with this grandfather?
<sigh> Life tosses us all so many trials, doesn't it?
I love the strength apparent in those on this thread, and how it is shared.