I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
To even begin to try to account for what should be there. Just ignore her.
Me: "She wants us to check if she had a shower yesterday .. that she is offered a shower on Wednesdays and Saturdays and she sometimes declines:
DH: "I''m not getting into all that .. that's up to the staff there, just ignore her".
I did just that, didn't respond.
Later in the day she texted . much much later .. she texted .. again .. "did you get any chance to ask mom about her shower, or check her clothes?".
Me: No, .. didn't . we weren't there long, chatty cathy came into the room and occupied conversation . we had to get back home .. have the kids here and grilling out . have a nice holiday go do something fun, we are".
SIL: "Maybe next time".
Me: "Maybe".
And on a side note with it all, . the damned geraniums she was worried about .. turns out DD did go get them .. they are safely being cared for by DD's husband who has a green thumb. They were glad to have them.
Now SIL wants for DD's husband to go dig up the hydrangeas .. and take those .. and the sweetheart roses. And this gets run up my flagpole .. her texting me.
SIL: Talked to DD about the geraniums . she did go get them . that's good .. I wonder if her husband would also want the hydrangeas . and the sweetheart roses, he should go dig those up and transplant them at their home".
I never answered it.
I don't give a whit about plants . not even at my own home .. I have the brownest brown thumb of anyone I know. As DH says of me .. "unless the damn plant can hobble it's way over to the garden hose on it's own .. it's a goner, .. Dorker isn't gonna do it".
He's right. I'm not a plant person .. I don't care.
I doubt seriously that DD's husband cares to go dig up plants for transplant at their home . but not in my scope to prompt same . and so the above got ignored.
Not answered to, at all.
I am glad that you are heeding all the red flags regarding involvement in your father's care. Perhaps you should not participate at all until/unless he makes you HCPOA.
I know the estate issue isn't bothering you. But don't you want to know what could happen with no will in place?
Shower? Basic facility routine. Not family's job.
I should've thought it would be nice to leave the hydrangeas for the next person to enjoy. Digging up all the plants on a property is no way for a future vendor to behave. If there's anything with massive sentimental value perhaps one of the green-thumbed people might be asked to take cuttings.
Tell SIL bluntly that she is just looking for things to fret about and must stop it. Stop it now, before either she bursts a blood vessel or you thump her.
Love your DH's responses re SIL's to do list. Atta boy!
By the Way - Country Mouse - I love the word "starkers" right up there with "stroppy".
Ditto to what has been said here already.
Baiting your Dad to get him to respond I get. But, from his responses and what he expects from Ks daughter, tread carefully my friend.
Ks inability to follow a recipe or cook effectively, that’s an indication imo, that her Dementia is not rearing it’s ugly head only when she is under stress.
Just because K won’t agree to cooperate or discuss making a Will is no reason your Dad should avoid getting his affairs in order. Especially since they have kept their financial matters separate. For someone as smart as your Dad is it is kinda irresponsible.
I sense a bit of manipulation on your Dad’s part directed toward you. Again. Tread carefully.
Oh Dorker - be on high alert here and consider and decide for yourself what you want this picture to look like. Otherwise, Dad will put the picture together and you will have to struggle to make necessary adjustments. This is a situation where you really need to "lay down the law" right at the get-go. Seems he expects to stay in that home with K - and I don't think it will be possible much longer without lots of assistance. And do you actually know what his finances are? Will need to in order to make decisions later on.
reminded me so much of my mom in 1988. She'd been a Medical secretary during WWII in NYC and did much of the work that a nurse would do (because all the RNs were in the military).
Mom's stance on how to deal with breast cancer was based on her 1945-era understanding of the disease. Had to really drum it out of her that she was not being a "good patient"; she was being a stupid patient.
I told her that she was too smart to be so stupid.
Now, I'm gonna come right out with
it. I HIGHLY suspect that dad has some cognitive impairment of his own. Lots of little things - relayed by Dorker - that add up to the first signs of the dreaded “D”. Dementia.
Some of these old folks - especially the ones who are super smart to start with - are very, very good at hiding it. Especially where they are or always have - held you at arms distance.
Sometimes it takes a little digging - but I’m afraid, dear Dorker - that you’ve got an ugly situation that you’ve only begun to see through the scratches on the surface.
Maybe I’m reaching here but......His wife clearly has more than “a little dementia” and if he himself was fully “there” himself, he would realize that she’s not capable of getting her/their affairs in order. She can’t make decisions on her own, she isn’t of sound mind anymore, she doesn’t sound competent. So he should know that.....she cannot be part of the process anymore & he can get his affairs (affairs as in—a will, trust, POAs & so on) in order without any involvement from her. Also their finances are totally separate so he should be aware that he can set up his sole assets himself without even telling her. I don’t know....something is just off when it comes to getting their affairs in order.
The more I think about it the more I am believing that they ARE in fact, in order. Dad just doesn’t want come clean and for Dorker to know about it.
It doesn’t make any sense that he would list Dorker and her brother as beneficiaries of certain accounts but do nothing with others. Dorker said Dad mentioned something about the house and a condo going to the step and Ks grandkids- so thought and conversation has happened - evidently to Ks satisfaction and dad agreeing. I’m betting that if K is falling to pieces over the mere mention of the will - is that perhaps Dad might have mentioned making some sort of change - that undid her.
But more than anything - I cant wrap my head around an 80 yr old man - a man 1/2 a step away from The Greatest Generation - not being responsible enough to have made a Will. Sure - it happens. But to a man his age, with assets, in a second marriage - with children from the first marriage AND a second wife who is a hen pecking, Nervous Nelly? Surely K is smarter than that?!? Without a Will in Florida the assets go half to the wife and the other half split among his blood and legally adopted children. And K doesn’t know this? Yeah, right!
By the time I was 40 I was on my second will. I did the first after I had Rainman and The Donor had fled the country and the second after I remained. We are getting ready to redo it again - hopefully for the last time. Soooo....
I just can’t buy it... that dad has no will. Ask stepsister about it. I bet she knows.
He was irresponsible enough to cheat his ex-wife on child support, so Dorker and her brother had to go hungry. But you're right; he could just be lying to Dorker and doesn't want her to know that he's cheated them yet again because he wants her to step and fetch for him.
It just occurred to me too to wonder if the "lady friend" that was mentioned awhile back might be more involved than just the one-time visit. Was that phone really off the hook all that time?
And,I forgot to add - there is the point that Dorker has said her dad has ALWAYS been secretive.
I think dad doesn’t want Dorker to know that the step will inherit the bulk because:
A. Having Dorker shown what a good care she is taking of him, the man might finally be feeling some guilt.
B. He’s afaid Dorker will get mad and “get a whole lota gone”.
C. He doesn’t want Dorker to tell her brother and BB.
I honestly think Dorker should ask the step - face to face so she might truly be able to gage her reaction as step has probably been told to keep it hush-hush. But Dorker should say “Step, dad has been saying his affairs aren’t in order. That can’t be right - he’s probably confused. Do you know where he has his POA instructions, end of life care, HIS WILL? Cause if we can’t locate them - there’s gonna be a holy mess”.
I wonder if he's ever going to get the PET scan. He's waited what, weeks now? Maybe he doesn't want to know details of the cancer, and that's his choice, really. Dorker says that is NOT all right with her, but what if anything can she really do?
Two more days and he's supposedly being released to home. And what awaits him there? Is there a 24/7 caregiver there now with K? Will she remain, or is that when K is going to dismiss her, and Dorker's father lets it happen?
It's just so sad for both MIL and Dorker's dad that they think of their life's worth as "things" and not people, memories and good deeds.
If you read Eric Erikson's work on human development, the final stage is one in which we come to terms with the way we've lived our lives; the stage is characterized by feelings of integrity or despair. It sounds like these folks are both solidly in the despair group. Very, very disheartening, indeed.
But I think, .. ya know . somebody could come into my home and rob me of every treasure I have .. and I'd be okay .. really. I mean .. please don't take my smartphone . that's my whole existence and managing my daily life .. but the rest of it .. take it ... I don't care. I just don't care about "things", "stuff". It's not what my life is about. My home isn't furnished with the finest of fine things ... nor is theirs .. or anyone I know for that matter. I don't own priceless works of art, . nor do they, or anyone that I know for that matter. It's all just "stuff".
I don't get it, . and I have a hard time grasping .. how others view their world as in ruins ... because it all comes down to .. "all you've worked for, and it's all gone".
If I have a roof over my head, .. and semi quasi comfort .. and food to eat, . and am relatively alright physically .. the rest of it, .. it's just "stuff" to me.
As to my dad's estate/will, etc. I don't know .. I mean . how does one go about putting that as any caveat . "gee dad, get your affairs in order .. oh and make sure I'm in line to inherit .. if you expect my help ... ".
That's not how I'm made.
I am also keenly aware of mission creep .. and on guard for it .. lived it. Know it all too well.
I guess the line that I walk, at present, is one of .. avoiding mission creep, while being a decent/compassionate human being . to help .. a dad who . maybe didn't do things right by me, as a child .. but .. I'm bigger than that. I'm not going to now beat him with a sledge hammer, .. "dad you weren't there for me .. good luck to ya . oh and btw .. take any supposed inheritance and shove it where the sun don't shine .. see ya bye".
Mission creep however, .. ever present .. as I walk that line, an awareness of same.
My dad does seemingly (all the while he bitches and moans about K's daughter grabbing a whole bunch of gone as he puts it) .. he does seem to have a mindset that "Dorker . you have a life .. and I've occupied enough of it, you need to get back to living your own life and doing the things that you want to do".
He does have that "awareness" seemingly. I can't quite tie together .. and maybe I'll ask him, .. "Dad . you seem to sound off a LOT about stepsister grabbing a whole bunch of *gone* .. to depart from her mom's care .. but you seem to have a realization that I have a right to return to my life, . where do the two meet in the middle there, explain to me your mindset on that topic".
I didn't go see him yesterday .. went to g'daughter's kindergarten graduation . then had some of my own biz to attend to and enjoyed a late lunch out with a friend .. and .. didn't go see my dad. 3rd day in a row. This is me, making a conscious effort to return some of that normalcy and balance to my own life.
He called me yesterday afternoon to inquire about the big graduation . and how my day had gone. I explained some of what I was doing, and he answered that again mentioning, "Dorker, .. you sure do stay busy ... no grass growing under your feet .. you have a lot to do .. I know you'll be glad when you can return to your normal life".
So he does make those kinds of noises, .. all while voicing in the same conversation that he'd heard from stepsister via phone call ... who is seemingly perturbed with him . that he isn't chomping at the bitt to line up sitters/minders/c'givers and a "DATE SET IN STONE" as to his return to the home . (he knows what date he is to return to the home . he's just being evasive with her . as it annoys him that she wants to grab a whole bunch of gone).
I've told him more than once, my sentiments on that topic .. that his stepdaughter has every right to grab a whole bunch of gone.
Not sure, .. (cognitive impairment of his own ...??... as mentioned here) . not sure why he isn't tying together, what's voiced by me on the topic . and
Hoping that K and her daughter dont think he's going to the Yellow Bedroom! That's why you want his affairs in order. So he can go to AL and get what he needs. Pay for a geriatric care manager if needed.
and continues sounding off about stepdaughter .. and her "want" to *grab a whole bunch of gone*.
Each time he sounds off about it, .. I do one of two things.
1. Ignore it and move the topic along
2. Answer to it, that I disagree .. that should make him angry .. that they both need a c'giver and I agree with stepsister . that needs to be attended to.
If I answer with the latter .. he does agree . and makes appropriate noise that he will be seeing to same. But .. .. BUT .......... BUT ............. it comes down to, seemingly with him .. he is not gonna be "dictated to, and ordered around as if he's a child . .as to when/where/how" by her.
I don't know why and I can't tie the two together . that he is hearing the same things from me .... that there is a need for c'giver/sitter/minder .. and somehow he isn't sounding off at me, for "wanting a whole bunch of gone".
I think there needs to be some dialogue coming from me, .. "so dad just what are your expectations .. going forward here, and my presence/participation . I hear ya sounding off about K's daughter .. what are your expectations on the topic".
He has already put voice to the fact there is realization on his part that he knows he has occupied enough of my world . and that I need to return to my normal. He is aware of that .. says as much. So .. what are his expectations? I need to get some clarity for my own sake.
I will help him . I have expressed to him that groceries can be delivered .. let's get that set up .. I have told him I have a good atty .. if he'd like to .. I can get that set up .. I've told him that I agree with his stepdaughter, there needs to be a c'giver on site ...
Would he like me to drive him to doc appts., .. ??... okay let's talk about which ones ..?? The dates, times. Would he like me to come and drive stepmom to docs? Nope. That's her daughter, or the c'giver.
Would you like me to come over and sit daily .. and be there to run errands, wash windows . .. prepare meals .. administer meds . no. Let's get some clarity.
As to the estate/will .. etc ..
All I know on that topic .. some things he shared when he was so so sick . and his own misgivings about how he hasn't been able to get K to the desk to deal with it, . can't get her to move off center. The mention of K having inherited .. blah blah blah ... from her family of origin (I don't care . that was her family .. that .. none of it was ever mine to begin with . none of it is) ... her having inherited blah blah .. and that it was set up .. in trust . or whatever .. for her g'kids .. and so forth. Fine and good, it was her's to do as she pleases. Some other minutia having to do w/K and her siblings having inherited .. some other valuable piece of property .. that ended in disgruntled family relationships . and the wherefores of all that ..
I don't care. That was all inheritance from K's family of origin . .that I never had anything to do with . ever. It was her's .. as far as I'm concerned to go bequeath to the bum on the street corner if she so desired. I don't care.
I asked him about the house where they reside, .. the condo .. that he'd mentioned .. and he had sounded off that he thinks K has designs on that condo going to her daughter only .. and he has a problem with that. He sounded off about the house where they reside. I chimed in, .. "well I would think it should be left, .. if there's a house left . you guys need to sell it . and get out of here . it's too much house .. you can't even go upstairs anymore, either one of ya .. the roof could be falling in up there and you'd not know it, .. you can't either one of you access the upstairs anymore .. but the house .. IMO . it needs to be left to K's daughter as well as your kids".
He acknowledged that is his thinking also. But that he can't get K to move off center, because it's his belief . her intentions are . that it be left solely to her daughter and her
be left solely to her daughter and her g'kids ..
I expressed my opinion there .. "that isn't right .. and this is a house you also own . and so you have a sayso in that".
At that, an acknowledgement of same, like minded thinking . but getting K to move off center on that topic .. hasn't been possible.
I think it's his *assumption* that is K's designs on it all. I dont know what dialogue has transpired between K and my dad on the topic ..
I did express that he needs to get with an atty .. and that then brought about the whole piece in our discussion of how an atty had to be brought into the fold as to the inheritance between K and her siblings . as things turned south in that whole dilemma . and an atty got his "cut" of the piece of pie . disgruntling all involved .. and so . there is apparently .. some distaste for bringing an atty to bear in it all.
He talked about that condo they own .. (news to me, rental investment).
That was a condo that, at one time, . was owned by K's daughter. Time to sell it, she was moving .. K bought it.
I didn't ask, "K bought it? Not you?". I didn't ask.
I don't know.
He is burned up on that topic as there seems to be some assumption on his part, K intends that condo . get inherited by her daughter at her demise ..
Again .. my thoughts .. "if K bought it, .and you didn't ... then .. I don't know what your beef is .. it's her's . you guys have always kept your finances separate .. and she has her bills . you have yours . that's how you guys have always done it . obviously .. that worked for you guys for years .. you don't come in now .. at the 9th hour . on a condo SHE BOUGHT .. from her daughter, .. and have disagreement that it somehow should go to your kids too. If it's HER's and she bought it, not you, then it's her's".
Interestingly enough .. I've done a property search here locally and I don't find where there is any property owned, other than the residence where they presently reside. I don't find a condo .. no other location of real estate owned by his wife or him. So I don't know what that's about. I even did a property search using her daughter as owner, her daughter's husband as owner . to see if it's already been turned over to her, and she is now owner . nothing.
Dad then went on in that same conversation to mention his investment account and as he proudly .. (feather in his cap) . took pride in the fact that he did see to it on that one . that one .. is outside of K's hands .. so to speak (not his words. my words) . that he got that set up a few years ago, . making sure that my brother and myself are beneficiaries of that account, reminding me that he'd sent me the documentation a few years back, via email . asking if I still have that. Yes, I do .. and told him so.
That just about sums up any conversation that has been had with him on wills/estates . and E.V.E.R.
So .. we know . as things stand at the moment .. should they both suddenly drop dead this moment . there is a house (their residence) . and no will. Supposedly there is a condo somewhere .. (I can't find proof of same) .. and that .. also . nothing set up as to will/estate. So yea .. should the above occur, it goes to Probate . and the courts get their hands on it all, for quite some time, .. and estate taxes and death taxes and all .. a mess.
All I can do, I've done . and will continue to do .. "Dad you need an atty . I have a good one, I can certainly meet with you guys, and/or put you in touch with him".
I will continue to pound that point home. I can't do it for him. He has to pull the trigger.
I guess if he wants to sit back and let K stay stuck on center and not move left or right .. of center .. there's not a lot I can do about it.
Let's all remember how dreadfully ill he was behind this dialogue that occurred, the one and only time any dialogue has taken place, as to assets. After that, .. is when he got so bad off,
healthwise .. and collapsed lungs, on oxygen .. bed ridden in the hospital . and a lot of time . in and out of it, . sleeping.
It has only been in the past week or so that he has come around more, . more engaged in his world .. and more alert. And in that time frame, I have expressed to him . that he has some homework assignments to get on once he gets home. First and foremost, getting a c'giver on site for both she and her, as neither are able to care for the other at present.
But that he also . needs to get in order, . D and MPOA .. and designate someone other than his wife . who doesn't possess the mental capabilities as to her own well being, much less his. And that he needs to get with an atty to work on his estate .. and I will put him in touch with the one we've used.
I have expressed all that to him . and I continue to do so. I have also sounded off . when he gets riled about K's daughter wanting a bunch of "GONE" ... and I express my thoughts/opinions . she's entitled to do just that.
What I won't do is refuse to be a part of his life . and his well being . sans naming me .. as inheritor . to his estate . "you go meet with an atty and have me designated as thus and so, otherwise . see ya bye".
I'm not made that way. That to me reeks of lack of compassion . and human decency, it's not who I am.
I am also though, as I said, keenly .. acutely ... more so than he realizes . having never walked that path himself (like so many others) ... of what it takes to prop up elders and their needs and I don't' intend to fall down that rabbit hole.
If he's manipulating and trying to "buy" me along ... as his helpmate ... surrogate wife .. in support of all things .. dad and his well being . in the feigned attempt at .. "there is this possible inheritance Dorker, won't you come along". He will soon find out .. that is immaterial to me. I will help, to the extent I am willing to help (I did so .. far too great of lengths . with a MIL . that had not a damn dime to leave to any one of us) .. I will "help" to the extent I am willing .. inheritance or none.
That "help" that I will give will be on my terms. And if that isn't suitable and I'm seen as also someone wanting a bunch of "gone" . .. and some so called possible inheritance is the gateway to keep me engaged .. .think again.
That's in part why I don't put that caveat into the whole picture. I don't want to sell my soul to the devil, as they'd say. I will help, because I'm a decent/caring/compassionate human who yes . rises above the treatment I rec'd in younger years. BUT ON MY TERMS. If that isn't sufficient .and it's thought to be inadequate .. fine .. cut me out of what may or may not be financially .. I'm not gonna play some game where I have it held over my head .. "oh but Dorker, look at what I can set up as your inheritance". Not playing that. Not me, it's not me.
He can have no way of knowing . he didn't walk the path so many of us have . in what it takes to prop up an elder in their own home . and all their needs. He can't know that . he never had to do it .. and like so many who haven't .. there is no real understanding of it all.
So .. in the end . I will do .. what suits me .. as to helping . inheritance or none . because that's how I'm made.
Will I be so happy to do it .. if in the end, there is a set up that K's daughter walks away with lock/stock and barrel .. every dime of their worth .. and I was the one that in the end, .. didn't grab a bunch of gone as he defines her daughter.
I won't be .. there on site, daily and attending to chitted up laundry .. and Depends .. and administering meds that aren't taken .. and nutrition that isn't getting seen to .. and so many other of the hundreds of needs that occur on a daily basis.
I will "help" maybe in the form of transport to a doc visit .. maybe visiting and bringing a casserole ..
The rest of that need .. that mobile assisted living unit I ran for MIL until I didn't anymore . they will see . they won't have it in me, and constant reminder from me they need more care . a different setting .
And if that gets colored by them/him . with a brush of "that Dorker, she wants a whole bunch of gone". That's their perception . they're entitled to it. I've lived it . and I know . I know .. I know ... I am not going there again. Not doing it.
I am also thinking that K's daughter has been given some kind of financial stake/promise/reward and is expected in return to be there when needed, and that's why her "whole bunch of gone" bugs him.
POA for. Everything was a secret. My mom asked if there was a will...he said yes, don’t worry it’s all taken care of. His funeral arrangements had been made and paid for. What funeral home? It’s paid for don’t worry about it. I guess my mom was supposed to call every funeral home in South Philadelphia. Luckily a cousin called and told my mom where arrangements had been made and paid for. At this time mom gave up driving..brother has safety deposit box, maybe important paperwork in that.. we drive over, don’t have a key, waited as bank official goes and finds out what box number and have the box drilled. Box was empty not even a dust bunny. So no will, deed to the house, or anything of importance. Brother dies, step daughter wants the house. Mom had an attorney, uncle never adopted step daughter so she was entitled to nothing. A lot of drama came from all of this and could have been avoided with having a will and paperwork in order. It’s important that it is done even though there wasn’t anything to inherit, the whole craziness of looking for documents could have been avoided.
your father could get his affairs in order without K.
My caregiving years were truely awful. But I am hugely aware that they would have been 1000 X’s worse had my parents not had the funds to self pay and make choices that didn’t rely on outside funding. Paramount in all of this was the legal ability and the ease of me being able to help them with their choices in the begging - and then later, make all the decisions for them - based on what I knew their wishes to be, back when they were in their right minds - as well as to what I honestly believed was in their best interest.
It was also also helpful to know I was the sole legal proxy and didn’t have to hold summit meetings with my brothers every time a decision needed to be made or a check written.
Thats really it.
I think the not knowing of whats what, who’s who and how
much is where... will become a legal, morale and ethical cluster F between all the supporting cast members as things deteriorate further on down the road.
And a by the by - I do agree with ParentingTheOld regarding dads anger with the step. I suspect that dad is presenting a “bill” to her - in his mind, she’s done her dancing - will have funds for dancing in the future but for right now dad is the piper and he wants to be paid. Is it realistic? Has there been any arrangement between dad, K and the step that - that’s how it was gonna work? Implied or unimplied? Did step in deed, “sell her soul”?
And - does it change anything?
Dorker, you know and we know that it’s not about your inheritance. There are ways to have a discussion about your dads affairs & the need to get everything in order without making it about an inheritance. In addition to what rainmom said, your dad has lung cancer. When you get a diagnosis like that, IMHO if it hasn’t already been discussed or written in a living will then...there needs to be a discussion about final wishes. No matter what the prognosis is, you should know his final wishes. What does your dad want? Cremation? Burial? Where does he want to be buried? Does he have a burial plan? What can he afford? It’s not a conversation most people want to have but it’s one that needs to occur in this situation otherwise you will be lost, and scrambling when he dies. This is probably going to be the situation when my FIL dies. He knows and he know that he’s only expected to live a few months. There have been zero discussions on the funeral-if there will be one, where it will be and what he can afford. He’s been in this state less than a year so if these people don’t get to talking, he is going to die and no one is going to know what to do and where to have the services-here or his home state. And I won’t get started on HOW it will all be paid for because.....he won’t have the money!
It's phrases like "has designs on..." Oh, she has, has she? I'll tell you what. If I owned a condo that I'd paid for, I'd bloody well have designs on having all of it, too.
Your father sounds to me like a man who has been happy to do anything for a quiet life as long as somebody else gets the blame. At the very least, he and K have not had full disclosure and mirror estate planning done, have they, in all this time. And whose fault's that?
Absolutely NONE of this matters to you at all - as long as you accept NO responsibility for managing his care. Refuse any responsibility of any description unless it comes with fully-funded authority. That'll keep you in the clear.
He's still your Dad. You're still free to care if he's being looked after nicely and to hold his hand through the consults. Just don't touch the To Do list with a stick.
The whole thing with Dorker's dad may have little to do with finances, but more about him worrying about someone to fill in for him, which mostly happens to be SIL, the daughter. Expectations, again.