I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
" Lead, Follow or Get outa the way (of those who lead)" ?
He is not leading this *putting his affairs in order* thing is he. Maybe he is following what K has previously set up? (And maybe regretting it...). Or is he getting out of the way - like putting his head in the sand.
I imagine he is overwhelmed. Suddently old & sick with no time to adjust. Unable to care for his wife or be cared for by his wife. Clutching at straws for a solution (Step to move in..).
My Dad is probably a similar age. I never thought of him as sexist before but has (IMO) his head firmly in the sand. Deeper in it went with all us women, daughters, sisters, SILs, neighbours adding our advice, suggestions, options etc.
A man-to-man chat recently got where none of us did.
Short & direct: What do you want? OK. Let's head there.
For example, that brokerage account. That may well be your dad's only asset. If he needs care, his part would be paid from that account. He may not want to spend it, thinking you kids deserve all that child support he witheld. He needs to spend his own money and not K's.
As others have said, POA needs to be clarified as well as final wishes. If you could get hospice to come in and chat, perhaps they could explain that those are things which must be handled by someone before going on hospice. And that might push him on the POA issue.
The affairs conversation is not about inheritance, it's about making sure his wishes aren't tramples by Bossy Boots.
Here are things you've written:
"What I won't do is refuse to be a part of his life . and his well being . sans naming me .. as inheritor . to his estate . 'you go meet with an atty and have me designated as thus and so, otherwise . see ya bye.'
I'm not made that way. That to me reeks of lack of compassion . and human decency, it's not who I am."
"All I can do, I've done . and will continue to do .. 'Dad you need an atty . I have a good one, I can certainly meet with you guys, and/or put you in touch with him.'
how does one go about putting that as any caveat . 'gee dad, get your affairs in order .. oh and make sure I'm in line to inherit .. if you expect my help ... .'
He will soon find out .. that is immaterial to me. I will help, to the extent I am willing to help"
You think that asking about his affairs makes you look greedy for an inheritance. Truth is, my mother thought that when I asked ("Don't worry -- you're getting yours!"). There have been a few minor issues because that have happened, but I was able to let my POA brother handle them. Who's going to handle it for you? Your younger brother? And your father's issues are going to be MAJOR.
As people have pointed out many times now, it's not about your inheritance. But you seem to think that it would be unseemly to give your father an either/or ultimatum, even if it has nothing to do with inheritance. Just as your father left your mother a mess because he wouldn't support you and your brother, he will be leaving YOU a mess this time. And you won't question that, because you don't want to appear lacking in compassion and human decency. ?
Throughout the MIl saga, you've reiterated, "It's not MY mother" or "It's THEIR mother." Well, this time it is YOUR father, and I believe (hope I'm wrong) that you are going to do far more steppin' and fetchin' than you will now do for a non-blood relative. I believe that you are not going to be able to avoid mission creep without perhaps totally stepping back from your father. I don't think you want to totally step back. I don't believe you WILL totally step back.
I believe your self-proclaimed boundaries are going to be impossible to maintain. I don't believe you will allow your father's health and safety to be jeopardized. But issuing that ultimatum about his getting his affairs in order, naming you as POA/HCPOA/executrix? is the minimum to making your plan of helping within your boundaries workable.
Then again, the door is snapping shut to all of that, as guestshopadmin said. He's going home tomorrow. K will not allow it, and your father acquiesces to her to keep the peace. HE is lacking in compassion to YOU. But then he's done that since cheating you and your brother out of child support all those years ago, hasn't he?
Good luck.
You should be direct though. No more hinting hoping he will take the bait. Just straight up, "Listen, dad, what are your wishes, and what do you want/need from me? K has dementia and her reasoning is impaired, and you have this cancer dx that's had you down physically and unable to manage as you normally would. You'll have to make some decisions she may not like for the good of both of you, and for your health and safety. If I am going to help, I need to be able to speak or act on your behalf if it gets to where you are unable to, and we need your wishes spelled out in a legal document."
I guess, .. first things first ... DD I guess .. took it upon herself to go sort thru the clothing issue yesterday at the NH. Her with twins along. Bless her soul, I wouldn't of attempted it. Turns out there are three pj bottoms that have gone MIA. Shirts are there, but bottoms are gone. Who knows. I guess this kinda stuff happens when there is a laundry service. What to do about it, .. is beyond me. My guess is there will be much hoopla over this issue until the mystery is solved. These are Victoria Secret pj sets .. and so ... I guess the inference there, .. they are expensive.
Also on that front, . .turns out Chatty Cathy had the police called on her. Story goes, there'd been a Bingo Game. I guess the woman sitting beside Chatty Cathy kept taking her pencil. Chatty Cathy corrected the woman several times. Asking that the woman leave her pencil alone. The woman kept taking her pencil. At one point . Chatty Cathy reached over to get her pencil back, this brought about a slap on the hand .. to Chatty Cathy from the pencil thief. At which time, Chatty Cathy slapped back. I guess the pencil thief then called the police.
Nobody was carted off for assault and battery . but it does seem to be the talk of the wing at the NH. MIL in it now (even though she never leaves her room . and wasn't witness to any of it, . only heard it from Chatty Cathy). MIL now making it a point to wheel her way to the nurse desk to attest to the character of her "one and only friend here", Chatty Cathy and make sure it's known that Chatty Cathy is a fine/upstanding citizen and shouldn't be in trouble for this, as she is of fine moral character. I guess MIL felt compelled to attest to same. Whatever!
Chatty Cathy seems to have drama surround her. Maybe it surrounds all of them there, and we're just unaware of it, because MIL doesn't mix with others there. Who knows.
Chatty Cathy's dust up prior to the above, .. someone stole one of her numerous collection of teddy bears. She'd been at her coloring station .. and it was time to go to some function . had her teddy bear with her .. asked a fellow resident to hold it, . and she'd get it when she got back. She got back . and fellow resident . and teddy beat, both . gone. Teddy bear still not accounted for, and Chatty Cathy most upset by this.
The dust up prior to that one .. Chatty Cathy had declined the field trip to Walmart, .. as it seems . someone stole her $. She had two $20 bills .. someone helped themselves to one of them. Who knows ..
Chatty Cathy is very child like .. and . who knows if she even in the beginning had two $20 bills. Seems to think she did, . and that was a huge dust up .. tears and all.
On the front with my dad. I was somewhat pleased to have arrived there yesterday after a 3 day absence visiting him. He has it lined up .. or K's daughter did it, not sure who .. there will be a c'giver on site when he arrives home on Friday (transport provided by me, agreeable to same). And that c'giver is to stay the night .. at least for the next week. This ... dad wants .. and against K's wishes . but he is persisting .. because of her undx'd Sundowner's. He states that she tends to, .. K does . if she's going to fall off the rails mentally .. it happens at night .. and .. she can become very panicked and disoriented and so forth, at night. Thus, .. c'giver lined up . at least for the next week . at night, . to spend the nights .. make sure that her nights .. as her daughter reports .. are settled and peaceful . Good plan.
He is (or K's daughter is, not sure who) .. also working to get a c'giver lined up . for day hours . .at least a few days of the week upcoming.
Not even I think they need a c'giver on site, .. 24/7 . all day every day. Yes, someone there to run errands (neither can drive) .. they need someone there to
Someone there to do laundry, cook meals .. run errands .. light housework, .. that kinda thing . but none of that should take all day every day.
I agree w/that approach. For now, .. as does my dad. For now. If he sees that isn't sufficient .. he is aware he may need to adjust it.
And to use his words, "Going forward, . I want to make certain we aren't ever, . ever again . both of us .. caught with our pants down ... in needing so much care and no way to account for it, .. going to make sure that's not a factor".
Where I do disagree with him, and said as much. He doesn't intend to tell his wife (how do you keep such things a secret) .. that he has a cancer dx. How do you keep that a secret. Okay so she isn't able to accompany him to doc appts . . that will make it a little easier to deceive I suppose .. and lie .. that you are going to see the doctor about your ear infection you don't have. I don't get that one.
I do get it that his wife has always been, that's not new .. a worrier, .. excitable beyond all measure that makes any sense. Always been that way. Even more so now .. as he puts it defining her . she will take a worry and obsess over it .. not look for solutions and then calm herself with .. plan A or B .. no .. she will worry with it .. and toss and turn and lose sleep . and worry and then worry some more .. and solutions .. that's all lost on her . always has been ... she just sees the worry .. that's all.
I agree with his assessment of her. But ... I don't agree that he can keep that a secret. I didn't ask him . maybe he's hoping that her dementia will take her to a place . and it will eventually .. but who knows when (She is lucid a good deal of the time) .. that she is unaware of much about her surroundings . and his cancer dx will be a mute point. Who knows when that curtain comes down on her awareness of life as she knows it. I don't think that's a good plan . and said as much ..
My dad in the end .. and I think that's how he has conducted much of their married life .. take the path of least resistance .. and the least static. Just doesn't deal w/a bunch of noise coming from her peanut gallery . seemingly. I'm not gonna even entertain any notion of coming in and changing what is 50 plus years of their marital dynamic .. I wouldn't. I think that's wrong . and said as much, .. unsolicited by him. But he's gotta do what works for him I suppose.
If he thinks he can hide it .. I guess he'll have to navigate around that. Stupid.
I did tell him again . that he needs to be looking to talk to an atty . and I will gladly cart him there if he prefers not to talk with an atty in his wife's presence . .it wasn't accepted or declined . just noted . I guess you'd say. I did tell him that he has to .. first and foremost .. he has to get D and MPOA .. and that his wife is not going to be in any position to make decisions on her behalf . much less his .. and that he needs to be combing thru that LTC policy . and begin looking at alternate arrangements for their setting. Told him the Will/Estate Planning needs to take place .. so that we can know, myself and my brother . what his intentions are ..
He answered that he knows he's got to hit the ground running . and try to catch up with things that should've been settled long ago. He said he is giving himself a goal/window .. of six months in which to work these items .. and get some things settled.
(In truth .. he has waited too damn long . he can't hit the ground even crawling . much less run. Unfortunately that's what he is facing .. and that's on him . he's had ample time to do it . .especially when he was housebound for over a year with back and foot issues that hobbled him. He should've been seeing to these items at that point . but I guess his approach . of .. least resistance, less static . put him in this place. He can't hit the ground running . .. he isn't able to
"run" .. he can't .. stamina .. he can't "run" do anything .. and I'm not talking physically running/jogging. I'm talking . the acts he is going to have to now undertake .. will take him some time to sort thru and some energy that he has little of . and who knows where this cancer dx takes him. I think he is playing a dangerous game that he knows not . what the outcome will be.
Shame he doesn't have in his spouse . the support he may need . in that cancer dx .. and what's to come there. He doesn't. She is V.E.R.Y. excitable . always has been .. and more so now.
I have told him .. "Good .. glad you have c'givers lined up . .neither of you can drive at this point, going to be crucial so that errands can be attended to, . pharmacy, hardware store, .. post office, doc visits, . that kinda thing. I will help you where I can, but the bulk of it is going to fall to the c'givers .. and beyond that, .. you'll need to be looking at alternate arrangements for where you want to live".
His words on that latter part, .. "I want to .. (as he ponders looking outside at nothing in particular) ... as long as is possible . . . allow that we stay in our home .. c'givers in place, . it will be so unsettling to K . and her dementia .. to have to leave her familiar setting .. I want to allow that she stay in familiar surrounds as long as that can be ... (again .. pondering outside at nothing) ... who can say when that window slams shut as to her being able to be home .. no one can say .. when that day comes .. that's not able to be answered to .. but that's my goal .. if we can do it".
My only add in on that topic .. "you have your own health considerations that have to be weighed in all the above dad .. we don't know what that cancer dx brings .. up the road . .and your ability to remain there .. and . how well you will function to even be allowing that latitude"
A nod of the head acknowledgement of what was said to him.
I have done just about all I can . in offering to sit with him . .with atty . if he'd like, bring forth atty if he'd like .. and exit from that scene if he prefers not to have me a part of it .. urged he get D and MPOA in place .. c'givers .. consideration for long term setting ..
I can't strong arm anybody into doing things to suit my agenda. I can only put it out there . and keep reiterating it . and that I do.
He is apparently giving himself a six month window of time .. as his goal . to work on and achieve some of the above .. all of the above, . who knows.
I don't think of him as lilly livered and some meek/mild .. and gonna be rolled over man, to his wife's inertia .. not who I view him.
I think he is someone who has .. all their married lives .. taken whatever path offered the least static in dealing with her. And her upset. Not because he does it from any angle of .. "well let me just cowl down to her whims". More from the angle that he doesn't wanna hear a bunch of noise/static. Thus .. as in his work environment . as he has noted .. (he was upper management/executive level .. all his life . in Health Care Administration). Listening to him talk of his working days and the political arena . of the work environment .. and dealing with differing personalities and people who have their own agenda .. and sometimes not goal oriented but their own personal goals .. and so forth . that one has to cut out the noise . .static . and just work around it . to achieve whatever the means to the end is ..
Seemed to be a strategy employed a lot in his working days .. and .. maybe what he found most suitable in his home life also.
I've done all I can in cajoling/persuading, etc .. trying to get him up to speed, educated .. at least to what needs to begin to transpire. He either does it, or continues to skirt it all.
Who can say.
But that's okay. Sufficient unto the time and all that. And besides, not for you to say how he should approach communication with his own wife.
The other thing that is *more* than okay is that MIL, you must have noticed, is living the dream. Her own personal soap opera! With viewer interaction and script development! Fantastic!
I expect her pj bottoms needed a little extra laundering. Hope they survive it.
So your father is going to kick the can so far down the road (6 months) that there's a very good chance he'll kick the bucket before he ever gets to the can. And even before he dies, he'll gradually be able to do less and less, so that those last months/weeks he won't be in any shape to take care of his affairs. I think the door has permanently shut to anything being done.
Well, at least now you know. He's not going to do a darn thing about the POA/HCPOA/assets. If he's not going to tell K about his cancer diagnosis, you are going to be his sole support in cancer activities. Guess you'll be driving him to all of those appointments? Suppose he has side-effects from chemo and/or radiation. How will he hide them from K?
Then again, since there is still no forward motion on getting the PET scan, maybe there won't be any radiation/chemo side-effects.
You will be watching your father physically weaken. I doubt you'll be able to maintain your stated boundaries, because you consider yourself compassionate and a decent human being. That's how you will justify your involvement. And when he dies, all will be a big mess because his happiness was the most important thing.
Sound familiar? Good luck with all of it.
(Yes, I am coming on very strong here, but it's only because I LIKE you and so admire the way you were able to get everyone in line re MIL and your boundaries. I am predicting, as are others, that you will be mired in an even deeper mess with your father if you accept his ....[and these are my words]... selfishness and laziness in refusing to do anything about his financial affairs/POA/HCPOA, etc.).
But. What if this horse is sick? What if dehydration was making it so the horse couldn’t recognize the trough of water in front of him? Would you splash some water on his snout in the hope that some water might make it into his mouth?
Im gonna be blunt - your father may not make it six more months.
Your father is seriously ill. I don’t need to tell you that. Whether he gets treatment or not - either way - the next six months are only going to get more difficult verses easier or even maintaining a status quo.
So, what’s a girl to do?
I haven’t a clue. Waiting and seeing, going with the flow, one day at a time - are as foreign to me as flying a space shuttle. Actually - I’d probably do better at giving the space shuttle a go.
So, I guess... just be prepared. Know it’s gonna be frustrating and hard. Really frustrating. And, know there is going to be very little you’ll be able to do about it - based on the current “plan”.
He will N.E.V.E.R. hear the end of it.
Kinda like someone telling you to not leave the hot grease on the stove, you'll catch the house on fire, . .as they stand gazing at the smoldering ruins of ashes ..
Yep .. shoulda/coulda/woulda .................... problem still there though!
So... he thinks it will be more bearable that she goes absolutely nuclear - with some justification - at his having kept the cancer from her than that she nags him interminably with the told-you-sos?
He made this bed. If you want to be really charitable, encourage him to encourage her to make the most of their remaining time and not waste it on ripping strips off one another.
I almost feel like a hypocrite posting as DHs family and mine are both a fiery tar pit suddenly, but I have experience with a Stepdad with a Cancer diagnosis and a Mom with Dementia under the same roof so here goes...
I understood your Dad holding off on the PET Scan and getting his affairs in order at first. But, now that he’s throwing out the 6 month window I too feel he is kicking the can down the road. He’s an adult. His choices. While I don’t agree with his approach there is nothing anyone can do.
I won’t say I’m convinced but I will say I have a strong feeling your Dad might have his financial affairs in order but is choosing to not share that info. Highly likely someone is not gonna like his choices and he doesn’t want to deal with the fallout.
The Cancer Dx. If your Dad chooses not to do treatment and Hospice becomes involved they won’t allow K to be considered the in home Caregiver. Does that leave you? In their home 24/7 doing what needs to be done however long that lasts? I ask because Hospice would not allow my Mom that position and honestly my Mom was not as bad as K.
Being the in home 24/7 caregiver for a Hospice patient with a Cancer Dx is not pretty. I know I was that person. I am a somewhat hardened and jaded but still compassionate I think but it was extremely difficult to see what I saw and keep it together.
I think this would be extremely hard on you because you have such a huge heart. I think if possible it might better if Dad was in AL to receive Hospice if at all possible.
You may say no way, no how, but if you are the only person or your Dad looks to you to be the person I think because of your past with your Dad you might not be able to say no.
Eeek, on to MIL. Most facilities advise not to bring anything expensive or valuable. Nothing you are prepared not to loose.
The PJ bottoms might have been trashed. No one at the facility is going to be stain removal or soaking to get chit stains out. If Laundry, in their experience deemed the PJ bottoms weren’t salvageable before or after washing that may be what happened to them.
The laundry thing happened with my mom, too. I made sure she had a bunch of soft but cheap Walmart nighties. (The nighties worked better anyway, for quick changes and accidents.)
Being an ear for her new "soap opera dramas" while keeping watchful for anything truly concerning is the way to go. These small dramas will be her new life, and actually engage her in the social life there, and you all are certain to hear about it. Hope SIL can learn not to fret so about it, though, and maybe even be happy that MIL is starting to get drawn into the gossip/b*tch scene there. Let her know that that is what they often LIKE to do.
Your dad - Might be best to first learn what the prognosis and course of recommended treatment exactly are, and for both to settle a bit back home after their wild crisis. But once he figures out just where he stands with this, I hope he gets his butt in high gear and decides to share it at that time with K. I can actually understand him not wanting to deal with her over-reactive emotions at least until he knows the doctors' call on his status. Do you suppose you might be with him at that appointment to hear what they have to say at that time, and maybe strongly guide him then?
And yes, Dad was in management, but I can tell you speaking as an admin. assistant, that many a time that level were weak reeds. It was us on the front lines that had to stand up and get things done and on more than one occasion I had to say "I'm going to fix this" and if they fire me, well so be it. Always amazed me the cowardice I saw among our so called leaders. In an emergency the mailroom and maintenance people will be there, but the top level? They will just call a meeting, or go to lunch early. Of course there were many exceptions and respected them as leaders, but in a general sense, too many were disappointments.
It does sound as if dad is selfishly thinking, well I'll just put this all off and the problem will go away? Lung cancer? Really?
Hey! Maybe if she’s up to it she will shadow Chatty Cathy to keep her out of trouble. I know I’m reaching but a girl can hope.
Already mil is having more socialization than she’s had in a long time. Beyond The Church Lady, that is.
I'm sure he needs to get eyes on K, and see that she too is recovering from her open heart surgery, and take a breath, before he can begin to think about getting their affairs in order, I for one think he's done really well just facing up to dealing with the home functions from his rehab, and having the home care set up. Not that I believe he should put off the important decisions regarding his Cancer treatment or their legal affairs, I don't, but maybe a day or to to get his bearings about him, poor guy! I do hope he's been being truthful with you!
Dorker, you have acted admirably in caring for all your Parents during this difficult time!
I am giving him the benefit of the doubt at the moment .. as to all the "homework" he has in front of him. He either does it .. or skirts it.
Maybe, as some have suggested here, .. his affairs are indeed in order, . .and there is some manipulation ongoing .. and I don't even see it. Possible I suppose. Doubtful though.
As to the PET scan ...
That is to be addressed at an upcoming oncology appt. I remember asking the Oncologist, . . "well let's get that done while he's hospitalized".
You'd of thought that I suggested, . "well I'll just make a phone call to the Prez", for how that went. I can no sooner call the Prez .. than they can just "get that done, while he's here hospitalized". Who knew?
Her response to that, let me know . that isn't done. "No . he will have to have that done outpatient . we don't do those inpatient".
Uhm .. oookay.
I didn't ask why. Seemed to kinda make sense to me, . why wait. But I guess it's not done that way. What do I know.
So yea, he has an upcoming appt, in fact, several appts with various specialists ..
I sent him an email, as I told him I would do, so he can update his calendar once home. Me, being the one they handed appt cards to at his exit ..
For:
Cardiology
Pulmonology
Oncologist
Back doctor
They'd handed me these appt cards, .. and some of them, were to be the next week after discharge, so I'd called and rescheduled, not wanting to cart him around from Rehab . him in no shape, at least at that point to be carted around.
So I sent him an email, . so he can update his calendar, once he's home .. and noted on that email, ... "If you need me to transport and/or be a part of any of these appts., let me know ahead of time".
The PET scan will be scheduled, once he meets with Oncologist. And he knows this.
Today is discharge from rehab. I'll be going to pick him up .. and transport him to his home. He needs for me to run around the corner, first, to a DME to pick up an orthotic for his foot .. (has somehow gotten foot drop). I'll handle that, it's right around the corner from where he is at Rehab. I told him, if he'd like, I'll take his rx's and get those handled.
I will tell him on the way home, .. I am going to exit scene dad and wife .. and be not as present and on site . and wait to hear from him, returning some balance to my own existence, and count on it that the c'givers brought to bear will be utilized more so than myself.
I think maybe one reason .. (cause) .. that I'm not all overwrought .. perhaps .. This is a guy who is yes, my bio dad .. but that "bond" . that tight bond ... that I hear others refer to, . "oh my dad was everything to me, .. he was so precious" .. that "bond" .. it's not there. Maybe that enables me to stand down more than maybe some would.
I have no idea what awaits .. as to that cancer dx, .. we'll know more in the coming weeks I suppose. But yes, . should it be that it is terminal and there is hospice, and so forth .. and any consideration that Dorker come in and take over, . that's not going to happen. See above, . that missing "bond".
It would be troubling and not anything I'd want for him . to have to endure as his end of life .. but ... I don't feel any "pull" to be the one on site to attend to it. I suppose he'd need to be in a Hospice setting were that the case. The yellow bedroom . of course . off limits .. it is not open and vacant for geriatric care, wasn't for MIL and the same goes for dad.
Should he find himself sick and so forth . weathering cancer tx .. my guess .. he'd be having to come forth and no longer deceive his wife. It'd be awfully difficult to hide that. Impossible.
She has no formal dx of Dementia . and it doesn't sound like that's anywhere in the wings to get it on the table. So .. any official note of .. "he can't be there
her as c'giver, she has Dementia".
It hasn't been formally dx'd .. and doesn't sound like anyone intends to do so.
The only thing I can garner from that approach is that .. as with all things K, so I hear . getting her to move left or right from center isn't possible. I don't know if anyone has even talked to her about her slipping mind .. is she even aware ... that her brain doesn't function right, has anyone made her aware of it.
I don't know ..
First, last and always .. I have been . kept on the periphery with these folks .. through and through.
The only reason I was front and center to it all at this point, .. it was crises point. She down for the count, him also.
As things stand at present, .. if he doesn't know/acknowledge . what all has been said by me, .. as to what the need is .. getting their affairs in order. I don't know what else can be said or done about it. I intend to back out of the scene, him deposited at home . .and give them back some of the autonomy they've always enjoyed .. and return some balance to my own life.
What he does or doesn't do .. as to his affairs and getting them in order, . is on him. He knows, he's been told, countless times.
Should it develop into a scene where I'm now constantly summoned for every little whim . I will remind him . on site c'givers dad .. what's being done about that alternate living arrangement, . have you gotten thru that LTC policy . .want me to have a geriatric care manager contact you .. I have a list at the ready.
He will see, .. now that he is going to be back home . .and the expectation that he return to his life . me to mine . he will see . that Dorker .. is not in crises mode, . and not on the front to handle every little whim. I don't think that's his intention anyway .. I think he does, . by what he says .. intend that I do just that .. return to my life and my wants for my daily existence, says as much.
They are both going to have a HHC nurse that checks in .. as well as PT and OT .. a few times a week .. on site. And so .. that'll be enough as far as the constant coming and going . of folks arriving there. I don't need to be there. There is to be a c'giver .. a few times a week for whatever hours the two of them square off and fight each other to a bloody pulp and finally agree to, I don't need to be in that and squaring off with them . they can settle that issue without my presence.
This is all how I kinda envision it going from here forward.
Of course, . the cancer dx and it's unknowns .. may change some of how things are expected to look. But they won't change it, to the degree that I will open up yellow bedroom. THAT is in my control . and it is closed, no vacancy. It won't change it to the degree that Dorker packs her bags and moves in. THAT TOO is in my control.
I am very uncomfortable with his belief he can deceive his wife on the whole cancer piece, and said as much . as well as .. when this does come to light . and it will .. the implication that Dorker was complicit in this deception. I am uncomfortable with that. And said as much . but it has to be his decision . not mine. I don't have any place in it all, to call her on the phone . "listen . dad's not gonna tell you this . but I will .. he has cancer .. we don't know how serious it is . not yet .. but just know . he is not being forthright with you".
Not my place to do that, and so I won't.
As to MIL .. I don't guess I'd thought about it in that frame of reference, that it's a good thing . she is at least "engaged" in some of the drama there. More socialization than she's seen in years. Hadn't thought about it that way, but that's so true. It's probably a good thing.
I haven't heard anymore about the PJ bottoms that are MIA. If SIL mentions it again . and knowing her, she will. I'll probably cite the two things said here ... "Probably wasn't a good idea .. that she be there
That she be there with anything of value .. ya know, I've said all along .. night gowns are probably more practical anyway as to Depends changes and such . I don't even know why she is so sold on PJ sets of bottoms and tops .. but whatever . and who knows SIL .. maybe they were so soiled with chitapalooza that they got tossed .. might be the case". And leave it at that . telegraphing to her, that I have no intention . never did . of getting in the middle of laundry service squabbles and MIA PJ's .. not gonna worry about it ..
You've been amazingly good at keeping those boundaries tight and no getting swept into the maelstrom that surrounds you, literally, on all sides.
And I think you're going to keep them up, too!!
I can see where your feelings about your dad are convoluted. He's your bio-dad, but was kind of a D- dad. I know a lot of people who stand in your shoes. A parent who was not even sub-par, suddenly wanting/needing/demanding attention and care for kids they didn't have time for 30-40 years ago.
This is one reason I have a problem with caring for my mother. It's been a week since I told her of my cancer dx and she hasn't called to see how the tests have gone, or if I am OK or anything. Not even a card. I hear she's been weeping and wailing at the Sr Center about how horrible this all is 'for her'.
I get that you feel disconnected from dad. Nothing is changing that now. You are doing a great job of doing what needs doing, but not trying to run the show.
BTW--is he keeping his cancer dx from K because she will freak out or b/c she wouldn't remember? He knows her far better than you do---so perhaps he's just being kind?
I don't get why they are holding off on the PETscan. You'd think, for the sake of efficiency, they'd do it while he's in their hot little grasp. And that they'd do it soon. I got scheduled a week out--evidently that's FAST. So it's both scary and good. I'll be moving on some direction---not just hanging on a limb.
As for MIL's pj bottoms. I bet that when clothing is destroyed by chitapalooza, it then becomes hazardous waste and is washed separately. You may want to inquire as to whether there is a 'lonely laundry pile'. That's what I did with the kids' unmatched socks. Or forget about it, and eventually she will only have caftan/muu muu style clothing which makes much better sense than pj bottoms.
As always--just the best for you.
And see? SIL left, but the world kept spinning and MIL is actually thriving. Perhaps under DH's hands-off approach, she is growing to understand she's not that 'special' and she can be a better patient. SIL is so enabling, she'd be at the NH just running everyone ragged. DH seems like he visits, deals with whatever problem is going on and leaves. No tears and drama. And MIL knows it.
Good luck today. Gonna be a long day.
You say you stepped in because he and K were both in crisis. Don't think the crises will end now that they will be together at home again starting today. I'm really curious as to what will happen during the next crisis. You say you will tell him you won't step and fetch for him, but, again, will you really stay away if it involves his health/safety? I hope you won't get involved in any further "checking on K" or jumping down Comcast-type rabbit holes.
I take it the plan is that stepdaughter will be responsible for K's health and wellbeing only? I'm curious -- what does it take to get her to come to their house? And that you will only step in for a crisis regarding your father? It will be interesting to see what happens when one of their crises snowballs (and I think it will very quickly) to become both their crises. Will you and K work in tandem to solve these crises? Or will she stay away and you will be responsible for all of it? Or will YOU stay away and she will have to be responsible for all of it? Who's going to blink first? Time will tell.
I'm glad you are going to deposit him at home and leave him and K to their own devices. I hope you can maintain that boundary. Apparently you've already agreed to doctor shuttling for those four upcoming appointments. I know you asked him if he wanted you to drive him. I'm sure he will let you do the driving for him.
"They are both going to have a HHC nurse that checks in .. as well as PT and OT .. a few times a week .. on site. And so .. that'll be enough as far as the constant coming and going . of folks arriving there. I don't need to be there. There is to be a c'giver .. a few times a week for whatever hours the two of them square off and fight each other to a bloody pulp and finally agree to, I don't need to be in that and squaring off with them . they can settle that issue without my presence."
So most of the time there will be no one there with them. Both are weak. I think a crisis will not be far away.
BTW, I totally understand your lack of a bond with your father. I wouldn't have done as much for this kind of person as you have. To me, it's inexcusable the way he didn't care that you and your younger brother had to go without food when he cheated your mother out of child support.
Again, good luck with this, because I really think you are going to need it. Do let us know how your father's Grand Homecoming and Happy Reuniting with K goes today.
Dorker - How did the dad transport go?!?
SIL should email the facility if she really wants to chase those down. You do nuthin'.
And speaking of doing nothing...
You keep mentioning things, albeit in a 'not doing that' way, that I would much rather were not entering your head in the first place. E.g. yellow bedroom, ratting him out on the cancer dx to K, being lead care support person.
I think it would be quite good, actually, if you could leave the state for an extended vacation round about... yesterday. Do not allow these thoughts to foster guilt.
I know Dad and K have been through a lot. I wish them the very best, and I hope things go smoothly and gently for them as far as may be. But that's not the *point*. The reason that your Dad is in the position where he is going to need support and doesn't know where to find it is NOT that he has been through a lot, or that he is ill now. It is that he has spent the last decades tranquilly ignoring the issues. *That's* what I've got no bloody sympathy with.