I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
He should sit up and take note .. and take it for what it is .. and go with it. Otherwise . he can be told very easily .. "well then I just won't be a part of anything to do with it, . you have some kind caring c'givers assigned, .. I'm sure they can be most helpful .. wish you well".
The extent of my dad's involvement in my world, (and I in his for that matter) for the last several decades . I see him on his bday . .likewise for mine . and on Father's day .. and at xmas. That . in truth .. has been the extent of any relationship . and that has been ongoing for decades.
We'd talk on the phone more frequent than the above, . for certain .. but .. being a pal to one another, .. enjoying one another's company to do things together .. nah. Hasn't been part of any scene.
So why do anything . at this point?
I don't know, I guess to reconcile my own self .. to the fact, he has no one .. don't wish to kick someone when they're down. Not even someone who chose .. obviously . .for a long long time, .. to put his eggs in the K basket and her brood and not mine. Even still ........... he has no one else. So .. kick him when he's down. Nah, . not me.
I will help him .. with limitations. And this . he is .. I am .. seeing .. boundaries .. firm boundaries, .. from the start in it all. He has c'givers .. that he has at the ready . and I'm guessing one is on site right now, I don't honestly know, and haven't called to double check that, .. as doing so, might find he does not . and a pull/tug to go that way .. from him .. to answer to whatever whim/need is present. Not doing it.
I told him he needs c'givers on site .. to deal with him, but also with his wife who is ailing. I suppose he's done so .. and that is in place at present. If not .. not on me, to run the mobile assisted living unit that's now busted down and broken . in years of service to MIL.
I will "help" .. but with limits. That is being seen .. at this very time. Limits/boundaries.
My guess is there must've somehow been at least a shred of validity to it .. or they couldn't of xfer'd that employee outta there, not without a fight, I wouldn't think. It's gotta be a tough, horrible job .. one that not everybody has the heart for. I sure wouldn't .. going to clean someone's chitted up bottom at 5 AM .. after likely cleaning several other chitted up bottoms thru the night. And God knows what else.
Just relieved it's not me having to sort through it, and the latest brouhaha. Poor SIL with all her top spinning and magic fairy dust, try as she might, she just cannot tie down every possible loose end that pops up to spew and spit.
Today was the eye doc appt., for MIL, carted there by the facility and accompanied by a staff member.
Now, after the fact, to quote SIL: "Poor mom . she's just so confused, .. she doesn't know who she saw today at the eye doctor, . said it was a new doctor . she hasn't seen before, . doesn't know if her rx has changed in her eyeglasses. I'm now trying to sort through it all, have a call into that eye doc appt, requesting they call me, trying to track down who the facility sent to accompany mom . and get their explanation for what went on there . since mom is so confused she can't really relay any details of it all"
I only responded: "I'm sure the person that accompanied her will have the story".
She then texted: So and so at Purgatory (facility) he was reading something and said they didn't even check her to see if she needs a new rx .. she'd of had to pay the up front $40 fraction fee since Medicare doesn't cover that. Mom said she has no way to pay it. Still waiting for the eye doc to call me back. Sure hope next week's appt with the hip doctor goes better . final exam there, as to her hip and healing . and they need to write another rx for more PT otherwise her PT ends. Poor mom is so confused, .. she's used to me being there to help navigate the maze of all this, . she didn't have any of her ID or insurance cards . as you know, .. I gave all that to brother before I left . I didn't even think to give it to her . or the facility for safe keeping".
Just so glad to not be in the middle of all this crap. I have no idea how all that would generally be handled, with an elder that is now transported and accompanied for doc visits. This was the first time that's occurred. I'm guessing the kinks will have to get worked out somehow.
I didn't answer her any further. I actually kinda felt sorry for her. Here they were just yesterday (and of course there was also the matter that she had to have her hair fixed by DD . so she wouldn't "look at sight" to go to the eye doc) . but then the big dust up . over the CNA that mistreated her, . and SIL on the horn dialing down on that . and then today . this fuse busts . .and spews and spits in every direction.
Must be so maddening for someone like her, . who thinks/prides herself .. in all she does to put things under wraps. Even still, .. an item got out of her control, in spite of herself.
Still don't know the true story as to the irate CNA . and her man handling of MIL . and confirmed by chatty cathy (yes .. chatty cathy is prone for drama). Still don't know, but don't discount that MIL stepped all in chit saying the wrong thing somehow. But even still, .. there has to be a level of professionalism .. and the CNA realize these are old people whose marbles are all out order, . and they can't go off on and go into a tirade with their patients there.
My dh had such an incident (unacceptable) after a surgery at a VA hospital. Two orderlies wheeled him up from recovery on a stretcher after surgery (with me walking along), transferred him to the bed, and left with the nurse there in the room, and me. DH was still very out-of-it, and the nurse was to get him settled in and cleaned up and all. But when she sat him up he started coughing and gagging and spewing blood everywhere. The nurse threw up her hands, and said "I ain't dealing with this shit! I'm going home!" and with that, she rushed out, leaving only me with the situation. It was frightening, and I couldn't believe she actually left, but she did. No one else came, and I was trying my best to handle all that spewing blood alone. (it was in the PM) I was so afraid to leave DH, but finally I ran down the corridor to the nurses station and pleaded with them to help, but they kept saying his nurse is there and that she is the one to take care of this. I told them that I think she went home, and they kept arguing that that was impossible, and that she was there. I finally told them to just PLEASE send someone down to the room, and I ran back. I grabbed towels and wet them in the sink in a feeble attempt to clean up all the blood and calm him down. Guess he had vomited blood, and was coughing it out of his mouth and nose. He was in a lot of distress! Finally another nurse did eventually appear, and I guess that first nurse actually did walk out and go home. But yeah - unacceptable stuff happens. Can you imagine? I was so glad to get DH home from that hospital!
"...and my duplicity in having been a part of a cover up."
NO. NO. NO.
What duplicity? No duplicity. No part. You are playing no part in your father's decision, here. How can you conceivably, then, be guilty of any kind of duplicity, deceit, cover-up? It'd be like blaming yourself for Watergate.
For all relevant purposes, you know nothing about it. Practise saying "I know nothing" until you believe it yourself.
If your father is intending to "rely" on you to be a buffer when K finds out (if she finds out; could she be so out of it that she never does find out?), you will be maintaining that boundary and not be any part of it. And of course you won't be around for caregiving, because you have told your father he is to hire caregivers for that (and you have said you aren't stepping in if he doesn't do so).
I guess you are accepting the mess you will have when your father and K have died, all because they selfishly will not put their affairs in order? I'd be making any help contingent upon your father putting his affairs in order, but that's just me...obviously you won't do that.
Yes, he was told by me, more than once he will need c'givers on site. Has he done so? I don't know. I knew there was one coming, to do nights .. as he put it, at least until he can get a finger on the pulse of whether she comes undone at night (as she's prone to do) .. and I know for a fact, one was arriving there as I was leaving, to see to just that. I had also urged he will need someone in day hours, .. as she can't do laundry nor can he, go to the grocery, nor can he .. do light housekeeping, . nor can he, cook, run errands, etc etc etc. Neither can do so.
Has he done that? I don't really know, .. I haven't called there to check in behind what's being done and not done.
BECAUSE .................... I have no intention of stepping to the above daily need. My answer to that need is *c'givers need to be brought to bear on site and/or you need to be looking at alternate living arrangements*. I have said as much to him, . more than once .. throughout all of this. Don't choose to address it, .. then I guess there's a lot of loose ends that are fraying about unanswered to, because it won't be me stepping to it.
I will cart him to various doc appts., if it so suits him .. I will do that much .. but I won't be there daily to see to nutritious meals,.. groceries, housekeeping, errands, and so on. Simply not going to find that in me.
Has he begun to look at long term planning, as was advised by me, POA and such, and LTC policy review .. and .. will/estate planning. I don't know, .. I have spoken my piece, more than once about the topic .. and he knows that is my expectation. He can choose, I suppose, to do so or not. Up to him.
That's the thing w/boundaries ..... I can set what it is that I see as a boundary as to my involvement. The other party doesn't have to like it, .. but .. they can see their way around doing things differently if so .. or .. they can deal with it. Same goes with me, .. and him ........ if he so chooses to answer to what it is I've laid out there as "need" he needs to be looking into ... good, .. if not . maybe that's his boundary .. that he'll leave it all for the dust in the wind . and I can go pound sand. Maybe that's his boundary .. who knows. I've said it and said it, .. what it is that I think needs to occur.
EVEN IF HE DOES ............. get POA in place, M and D .............. even if he DOES get will/estate planning in order, ........... even if he does review and get clarity around that LTC policy and it's limitations .. that STILL isn't going to summon me into every day minutia of c'giving .. it simply is not. I don't intend to be that mired .. as I once was in MIL care ... ever again. EVEN if he does all the above and more. I STILL WILL NOT BE that enmeshed ..ever again. You need someone stepping to the beat of that drum, then you need to put that LTC policy to use .. and get to an alternate setting. Can't get K's agreement on that, .. can't get her off center left or right ............ hate that for ya ........... STILL doesn't push me headfirst into the deep end of what I once was as to MIL care.
So okay dad, .. you can't get her off center to move left or right . .. your want is to have her in her familiar surroundings as long as possible and not have to uproot her from that ........... I hear what you're saying to me .... but you need to be mindful you have your homework in front of you as to D and MPOA . she's not going to be anyone that can see to any of that .. she is going to need more care than you can deliver, . that's where on site c'givers comes into play and it's going to be costly ... your choice .. but it's going to get ugly .. choosing that path.
I have said all that to him. He has the latitude to enact what he wants for his world. What he doesn't have the latitude to do is to push me into it all, knee deep, as I once was in MIL's care.
It's just so profound to me .. talking to DH this morning .. and as I said to him ...
"What my dad doesn't have any way of knowing . not having lived it .. is that there was a time that I was jumping to the beat of all things your mom .. going and taking her on a 2 and 3 hour grocery jaunt .. her not wanting to have groceries brought in by one of us, but given the latitude to go also .. as it was her social outing ... there was a time that was the order of the day .. and her wants .. were more important in it all, the broader picture, than what made good sense ... so off I'd go, pick her up .. and take 2 or 3 hours to go get what would take me 20 mins .. if she'd just let me go get what she needs .. or better yet, .. let's call a delivery service, . they'll have it there in an hour .. and no one will have to do all this. But no .. no no .. don't send anyone to my house .. no. And I jumped . to the beat of her whims .. that didn't even make good sense, for far too long. She'd get sick .. and need/need/need .. as to someone to step to that beat . and I'd jump ... the dog would get sick or need .. I'd jump ... so much that went on ... I don't intend to ever fall down that rabbit hole again".
I'm not ever dealing with that again, someone else's intransigence then becomes my tug of war. It's that simple.
DH agrees .. just from watching a mother at this point, in firm denial (if that's not in the DSM it needs to be) of her aging process. His mom, if you'd ask her today . she'd say she'd 'be fine in her home. Her isolated for so long, . and the culture shock of being housed now . with "old people" . "that's not me, . that's not who I am, that's not what I'm about" .. as she continues with getting her hair colored, .. the only person in the place that doesn't have white hair .. as she continues to DENY that she is one of them, .. as her butt gets cleaned from yet another chitapalooza episode, .. as she can't discern and detail what happened at an eye doc visit . and the why's and maze of it. But ask her . today .. and she'd tell you she'd be just fine in her home .. now don't worry with me, .. I'll be fine right here, just me and my doggie. She'd go for that right now. This person living a culture shock of sorts .. finding herself in a place with "old people" .. she doesn't belong there .. that's not her.
DH sees it, that she was *enabled* for far too long .. in all that was done to let her "age in place" .. and what that did in the end, was set up a false reality for her .. isolated and not exposed to other "old people" and their frailties and how it doesn't work . in the end . it doesn't work, one becomes old enough and frail enough, they can no longer manage. She didn't see any of that, she was isolated .. and having her every whim catered to. It was detrimental in her ability to grasp her own reality .still is.
Sharing with him, "this is me, .. putting it out there on the front end of all this, . as opposed to what was done with your mom .. this is how it's gonna look .. there isn't gonna be anyone jumping to the beat of the daily need .. the never ending/ever increasing need .. daily ... and the isolation of it all ......... hire c'givers .. go ahead . your $ . spend it how ya want ....... but it won't be me doing it, .. I'm not giving my dad that same latitude your mom was afforded .. I waded thru those mucky waters and for too long, I know this drill, far too well .. not doing it".
Something not mentioned before here . in all this and . in the end, one can't take it and thumb their nose .. because she's out of her damn mind .. K is. (but not all the time, .. I was there the week before, to pick up dad's mail and she was with it, seemingly)
I guess so goes it . as to Dementia . good days and really really bad ones.
So if you ask, .. is she so far gone with her Dementia that mentioning to her a cancer dx will rate about as high on the radar as telling her it's raining outside and soon forgotten. It depends I suppose. On her more lucid days . it would bring about the hysteria and the excitability and dread and tears . and so forth .. and it would be something she'd chew on incessantly and she'd worry everyone in her periphery with the repetition of questions that have already been answered 1k x's .. repeated same questions.
On her not so lucid days .. it might fall about like it would if I told the 2 yo g'child .. and not be absorbed and held onto. Hard to say how it would fall.
But I don't know how to stress it enough . her well being and the fallout or lack there of, . is so not on my radar . at all. She is his wife, my stepmom .. has been for 50 plus years ............ but ............ let me tell you a little bit that defines how it all goes.
The day that my dad was released from Rehab . last week. Apparently . before I arrived to retrieve him. there was much UPSET ongoing in his household with his demented wife. Her of the ilk .. I guess old patterns die hard . that SHE SHOULD BE the one coming to retrieve him (it was a bad bad day for her and the Dementia .. it would seem). Doesn't matter that she's been advised she cannot drive right now . lost on her. Not a point that resonates with her demented mind. Doesn't matter that she herself, is recooping from major surgery and not in any position to go and pack up his things and lug em to the car .. and get him driven across town to his home. All of that lost on her .. and her demented brain. There was MUCH UPSET ongoing in his household, this he knew from talking to her on the phone that morning, before I arrived there. Her UPSET originating out of .. she SHOULD BE THE ONE ... to come retrieve him.
Him assuring her, .. that it's handled .. the staff there know that he is to be picked up by his daughter, .. that .. the staff there know, they can communicate with family . his daughter .. she will be the one to arrive on site to retrieve him ..
It sounds like, related to me by him .. I wasn't there .. sounds like .. there was no squelching her .. her MOST UPSET .................... this is her's to see to ... and her trying to sort thru what it is she needs to do to enact the above . him trying to squelch it .. and assure it's all handled.
I guess a person in their right mind .. realization they can't drive right now .. realization they themselves are compromised in their own health and not "able to" do the things they need to do to accomplish the above. That person . in thei right mind . would take in what's said and .. process it ..and be done with continued argument on the above points. Not so with her .. sounds like it was a point of contention with her, and any/all assurances were about as successful as my trying to get my 2 yo g'child to back down on an issue they felt strongly about.
So the following dialogue between she and my dad takes place, as related to me by my dad:
Dad to K: "No honey, now I've told you .. the staff her are aware that family is helping . they are aware they are to work with Dorker . that Dorker will be here to get me .. they are aware of that, . that I have "FAMILY" to attend to all this".
K to Dad: "so now Dorker is family?!?!?".
Dad relates this to me, . as I'd arrived to retrieve him. Now some might think . *oh h377 nah!*. But .. I'm used to it .. it's been that way always. Dorker and her younger brother .. pushed to the periphery .. that's the way it's always been . it's nothing new. Always been that way.
"So now Dorker is family?!?!?".
Some might take that and run with it .. "oh so she doesn't consider me family . well guess what . I guess you should've shoved that down her throat years
So if you come to take Dad for an appointment and then bring him back home and find that there is nothing in the house for lunch or K has spilled something, had an explosive diarrhea incident, gone missing, etc., that you will just wave and say, "Get a caregiver. See ya, Dad!" ? I doubt it.
Boundaries become much harder to maintain when there is health and safety at risk. And with this pair, it seems more of a question of when, not if.
Years ago, .. decades ago .. guess what it's gonna look like now .... NOW she can go P&ss up a rope ............... screw both of ya .. you didn't ever do the homework to make her understand that YEA I'm family .. I'm part of an effing package damn deal that came with the prize that was you ............ screw both of ya".
Some might approach it like that. But .. compartmentalizing . always compartmentalizing .........
It's nothing new. It didn't fall on me . with an epiphany of . wow .. now I see how she really feels .. screw her.
It fell on me, as nothing new. So be it. But also ... even more to the point .. a fortification in my own mind set . that I owe not a damn thing to either one of them. Anything they get from me, .. as to any help .. however insignificant they may see it .. (carting to doc appts) is .. just icing on a cake that neither of them deserve . but I am a better/bigger person than that, to let that kinda statement .. wear on me as it might've in some cases.
That statement .. so very indicative of the mindset there .. that she's had .. all these years .. as to just who I am and my place in it all .. me and my brother both . in the broader picture.
Dad relating all that to me, . in a manner . that he was trying to paint the picture of just what is .. awaiting him at home .. K undone with the whole thing . unable to be settled .. and so forth, not to point out to me what I already know .. that she doesn't consider me family but more to lament . this awaits him at home . her that unsettled and that unable to be reasoned with.
My thought .. you enjoy that dad .. so important to you that she be allowed her familiar surroundings as long as is possible .. gonna get ugly for ya .. but not gonna be my cross to bear.
Or another scenario that happened once we were there. Something I'd done when he and she both were hospitalized . I'd go to their house weekly . and retrieve any mail .. and set aside that which was her's (remember they do separate finances) and bring to my dad that which was his . and I'd crank both their cars for them . so the batteries don't die .. (though why I don't know . neither should be driving .. so I probably should've REMOVED batteries) .. but whatever.
At one point in all this, I didn't have time to do it . and so DD offered to do the above for me . kids in tow .. and she drove over to the other side of town, retrieved the mail, and some other something he needed at the time . and cranked both cars . and then left.
So . once he was home the other day ... K there, .. her daughter there, my dad, myself. Something was mentioned about having done that .. all while they were hospitalized. And K chimed in .. "that wasn't necessary to be cranking the cars .. your dad just got a new battery before all this happened .. it wasn't necessary that DD come do that .. that was a waste of time".
ME: "well dad needed his mail .. didn't that much longer to go outside and crank the cars up while here".
K: Well . she didn't need to do all that, . that was just wasting her time .. I don't know that she needed to be coming here to do that".
K's daughter: "BUT IT WAS NICE OF HER MOTHER, RIGHT?!?!?!? .. IT was nice of her to look after that, RIGHT?".
She just isn't gonna acknowledge .. my side of the family .. ever. She doesn't posses the ability any longer, . in her less lucid days . to just process what's said and just leave it at a simple, "Well thank you guys, that was awfully nice of you", leave it at that.
The less she has to do with my side of the family, the more suitable to her .. always been that way.
So ........... having said all that .. even if my dad does get all "i's" dotted and all "t's crossed" I STILL FEEL ABSOLUTELY NO COMPUNCTION to be part of any scene to answer to every day need. None whatsoever.
You're family all of a sudden to your *father* because he is telling his healthcare team that you're going to be chauffeur and he likes that idea. You think it's a coincidence that it's the moment you become useful that all of a sudden he's a family man?
And K and daughter are querying this.
And you think it's K and daughter's attitude that's the problem?
Dorker. Find him a transportation service. Mind your precedent-setting and do NOT start doing anything that is not optional/purely decorative. If he paints himself into a corner such that he really does need your help, how are you ever going to say no?
And maybe I should scratch the surface a little deeper and describe the handful of times that my dad has actually been a "dad" that was outside of just proverbial holiday visits ... there have been a handful of times.
One of which .. was when my brother became a meth addict, and his world was crashing in .. and I was brought two children .. by him . in the middle of of the night, as he exited stage left, . me now in charge of (much to his wife's vile disagreement, also a meth head herself) ...... now having been brought two minor children .. and left here . and the police arriving at my door, to question why I've "kidnapped" "HER" children .. it had been reported to them. I didn't kidnap anyone . these were kids brought to me in the middle of the night by my meth addicted brother .. and dropped here and he left. The wife, furious at having learned this, then reported that I had kidnapped and had no right to her minor children . and the police were summoned to come here.
This then brought forth an emergency court hearing . DCF visit to my household to determine whether this is a household where sacrificial animals are burned at the stake .. and whatnot . is it a safe environment to be housing those minor children in question.
An emergency court hearing in the county of residence for those children (1 1/2 to 2 hours south of here). I to be present . with minor children in tow . in case it's determined that the mother to these children has valid claim . .and that Dorker has no right to these children.
My dad .. and K ... aware of this nightmare ongoing .. arrived here (remember I had two minor kids, dumped on me, . in pj's in the middle of the night, no clothing, no shoes, toys .. nothing). They arrived here, K and my dad, .. Walmart bags .. and clothing . shoes toys .. food .. etc etc. Pronto. Didn't ask them to do so .. but they did. I found soon after .. I don't even have anywhere to store stuff for them . they left . went back to Walmart and bought a plastic shelving unit that I could now store their clothing in ..
Dad accompanied me and minor children to court hearing .. to determine whether I can keep these minor kids .. and I did .. for about two months. And he was .. dad was .. a part of that whole scene. Helping.
Another time that comes to mind . in it all, as to my dad being a "dad". I had my own troubles with a daughter (OD) .. who suffered from what I would define as Borderline Personality Disorder .. and wearing all that thru the years. Her official dx was Bipolar disorder, but I'd differ with that. It was a nightmare. Finally with her, it had gotten to where she was a threat to her younger siblings .. very real .. very much so .. and if you know anything about mental health and minors .. you really are powerless to do much about it .. there aren't institutions any longer for such folks. But it was a setting where I had this loose cannon in OD . threatening me and her younger siblings and my hands tied.
There is a "home" locally (an institution) for kids who are displaced from their home of origin . be that because their parents are drug addicts or jailed . or because they are problematic . and behavior issues .. whatever. It does exist . locally. But greasing the wheels to get entry ... was beyond me ... I couldn't even get past talking to the front desk clerk ..
The point in time . had arrived that I needed an alternate setting for OD .. she couldn't continue to live here and run rough shod over all of us . particularly
the minor siblings ..
And so getting a door to crack open to that setting . nothing I'd been able to achieve.
My dad knew some folks who know some folks . and actually had that .. the powers that be .. contact me .. and if I wanted it .. I could've .. just for the asking .. placed her there. I didn't ultimately do so ... but .. he somehow . thru folks he knew .. got the door cracked open . and I was able to meet with .. and had that as a viable option .. via his greasing the wheels on it.
Another time .. back eons ago .. we'd just started our biz . and because of the way things fell, some things that didn't fall in our favor . and some stupidity and ignorance on our parts .. we ran afoul of the IRS. To the tune of some $2k. Just in having conversation with him . we did talk on the phone .. more than just see each other at holidays .. he'd been brought up to speed on the latest dilemma there ... not because I expected at all, .. a sugar daddy to solve it .. just sorting thru how we ran afoul and into that.
Was a few days later that a check arrived in the mail, from him .. answering to that debacle . with a small note .. that he hopes we had learned of the err of our ways . consider it a gift, doesn't want repayment .. just consider it a gift .. and doesn't wish to have any further dialogue on the topic.
That was . a l.o.n.g. time ago.
It hasn't ever been mentioned again.
So . yea there are a few instances .. where there is "relationship" there ... more than just a proverbial out to dinner, it's Father's Day. Not many .. but they are there.
I absolutely agree with CM -- why ARE you agreeing to be his taxi service? Because you're finally "family" to him because he wants something from you?
And I really am curious to what your plan will be if you return him from a medical appointment to find chaos, no groceries, a crisis...will you really just walk away with a, "Get a caregiver. See ya, Dad!" comment and a goodbye wave????
So I go taxi my dad to a doc appt., arrive there and K in the throes of "gone" with Dementia . .and it's maybe even suggested .. "We need to take her along with us . she really can't be left here alone".
"No dad . not part of the deal, not covering for her care needs .. you were supposed to be seeing to that .. c'givers/alternate setting . not doing it, let's go . she'll have to fend for herself".
In what world does this become my problem to now baby sit her? It doesn't.
So yea I arrive back from taxi service, to find her in the middle of a fall ... injured .. or maybe chitapalooza .. or whatever .. "gee dad . looks messy . we talked about all this .. hope it works out, glad that doc visit went alright for ya".
You bet that will be my approach.
If he fails to see to c'givers on site to attend to her, . .that's on him .. I am not walking that road, ..
If he fails to review his LTC policy and entertain what it looks like as to how to achieve alternate setting .. on him, not on me.
That's what I referred to earlier when I said some of it is getting the cart out in front of the horse, when you envision all the possible scenarios that can take place in all this.
So I arrive there and "Gee Dorker, it's been bad, this whole c'giver thing . the one c'giver couldn't come, her car broke down . the other one has a sick family member and so can't be here .. we don't have any food to eat, . we can't prepare it .. we're just in a mess here".
Outback and Olive Garden delivers, remember we talked about all this, Grubhub .. and grocery stores deliver also . remember .. we talked about all this .. you need an alternate setting dad .. c'givers come w/their own set of issues ... we've covered this ground.
So I get colored with a brush of "that Dorker, she's all about getting a bunch of GONE".
Yep .. color me however you want. I still feel no compunction to change bed sheets that are now chitted up .. and or wipe up vomit that she has now spewed everywhere . .. or ... go secure groceries and/or meals . because the c'givers aren't showing up.
I KNOW THIS DRILL ...........................
I know it too well.
He has been "somewhat helpful" through the years .. and somewhat acted in a role as a "dad" .. (p&ss poor at times) ........... but ............ I don't feel right refusing ANY/ALL help. Thus I will step forward as to taxi service/transport/participation in sorting thru what's said at doc visits. The rest of the b'chit that goes with this scene ... I've said what my expectations are ... said it numerous times. Do it, don't .. up to you .. your life, your $ .............. but don't think I'll be shoved into the deep end in it all. It won't happen.
And do I have the stomach/backbone to walk away while there is a spew of vomit in the floor ... or a trail of chit .. or whatever else has gone awry .. yep .. I
do.
I don't have a problem in the world .. looking at a dad who has been told countless times by me, what it is that I see as "need" here . and his failure to address it . and walking away.
And grabbing a bunch of "GONE", as he'd term it.
I also know from being here on this site .. that if that's the setup ongoing and they think it viable .. APS might wanna take a look.
In the end, .. I don't feel comfortable refusing any/all help whatsoever. It's just not who I am. But with boundaries/limits . you bet.
As was said in the movie, "fasten your seat belt it's gonna be a bumpy ride".
The clear demarcation line in it all .. is what we all know who have walked this path .. those that have not . can't know it, they haven't lived it. It's a slippery slope .. so you feel sorry .. oh gee, it's just some groceries .. oh sure, no problem. Next thing ya know .. c'givers that should be on site attending to same .. are relieved of said duty .. "Dorker will do it". Next thing ya know .. c'givers that should be on site, to attend to nutritious meals .. "oh well, not
Not that big a deal, Dorker comes .. she brings casseroles ..
Next thing ya know, .. c'giver that should be sorting thru and dispensing meds . that demented K is unable to attend to, is relieved of that .. Oh Dorker comes, she sees to that.
Nope. I know the drill, all too well. Not even gonna set foot on that slippery slope.
“Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night.”
From the film All About Eve. An Oscar winning Best Picture and widely considered to be one of the greatest movies ever made. Of course, there’s Bette Davis who spoke that line - as Margo, a great but aging Broadway actress, as well as Anne Baxter as Eve, Celeste Holmes as Margo’s best friend and Thelma Ritter as Margo’s dresser/maid. I mention these four ladies in particular as they were all nominated for Oscars in either the lead or supporting role. This is the only film in history to have had four women nominated for an Academy Award from the same film. Marilynn Monroe has a small part - one of her very first film roles. On a personal note - Bette Davis’ dress in the party scene is to die for - really spectacular. If you haven’t seen this movie - I highly recommend it.
“Thanks, Rainmom”, right?
The thing is - I have an almost autistic response to things that make me incredibly uncomfortable or I find disturbing...
I am at a complete and utter lose as how to respond to “So, now Dorkers family?”. AND - why would your father even repeat that comment to you?!? That’s really eff’d up.
Its gonna take more than the two cups of coffee and three cigarettes I’ve had - so far - to even begin considering my thought on this one.
Wow.
But what if it's your father who has chitpalooza? Your father who is having a health crisis because K has run off all of the caregivers? Will you keep to those boundaries then?
Has your dad responded yet to your email?
I WILL EAT MY HAT.
You're already feeling responsible for chairing family discussions on his prognosis. And you're just going to leave him to cope with a demented encrusted elder when you're right there on site? In a pig's eye. Know thyself.
At some point - K is going to have to be dealt with (your Dad's responsibility) and your dad's mortality (your dad's responsibility). Since cg's are already coming in - they are dialed in to options. Your dad is of sound mind and has an avenue to find more help. I really don't see you in danger of being pulled into chit-dom.
Keep us posted - you are living the reality of elder care today. Bless you!
(And thanks for the film history, Rainmom!)
Dorker, it feels to me as though you spend your life running yourself into the ground trying to be dutiful. It's the dutifulness of a person whose never had anyone put THEM first.
Please, for the love of all that is holy, find yourself a therapist. You are going to drop dead from the stress of the doing and the boundary setting. It's too much.
Honestly, it sounds like a bit of a mind game (a different word came to mind, but using it would understandably get me kicked off this board;) He gets you to feel bad, unsure of yourself, which makes you more pliable and more in want of his affection. He, of course, is “on your side. K is the one with the problem. See what I am dealing with here? Feel bad for me.”
This approach means he can’t be turned into the bad guy. He is using a push and pull approach. He will pull you in, then push you away. Back and forth to control your emotions and your responses to him. If this pattern develops further, at least you can see it for what it is and know your own parameters within it.
Not saying that this is a big master plan on his part. It sounds like it is just his way and maybe has been in almost all of his major relationships.
As far as the help you mentioned, the times he came out from under his rock and did something helpful... he was being a GRANDFATHER in two of those scenarios. And I would guess on the money situation, he was all humble about it (don’t mention it again) because he never told his wife. Helpful? For sure. But letting it go sounds like it was for him, not to make it easier for you. If I am wrong, I apologize.
As far as K goes, she feels the way she does because of whatever he has planted over the years. Her comment absolutely could be coming straight from the dementia. I think it is probably that combined with feeling out of control which is manifesting in a level of jealousy. You, the daughter he has kept very peripheral, are now being praised and taking care of her husband, Dad has kept you out of their lives and she hasn’t even had to deal with the feeling of competing with you as a daughter... up until now.And in her state of decline, that probably feels lousy.
But if she really does feel that way (as opposed to just the dementia making her spew), it is likely to have some origination point in the expectation and thoughts he has planted over the years (again, not as the devil with a master plan, but as a self-centered man who wants to be thought of well without doing the work that goes into being a person worth being thought of well.) (That sentence was a grammar nightmare, sorry:D)
He was the one with the responsibility to set the tone. Since he is her husband, she will believe what he tells her because she only has his viewpoint as a frame of reference. This is the way of it with second spouses, for better or for worse.
I had a stepmonster (a few actually)... I don’t get the impression that K fits that category. She just picked up her life with your Dad... I am sure she has issues, but he is ultimately responsible for setting the tone for the relationship between the two of you. Keeping her isolated from you and keeping the people who have seen his deep flaws on the outskirts of his life is how he has maintained his image to the world.
Now, he knows he needs you, but he is probably a little worried that his carefully crafted house of cards might fall. What better way to make sure that doesn’t happen that to drive a wedge between you and K and even you and K’s daughter and maybe even you and your brother.
You don’t need me psychoanalyzing your dad, I am sure. There are just enough pieces here that are really hard to discern unless you have watched someone who is really excellent at playing chess with the emotions of others. It doesn’t mean they are mean and rotten through and through. Sometimes, they can be lovable even. But, their ability to truly love others is stunted. And they can wreak havoc on one with a purer heart and motives. Shining light on those dark places hopefully gives you the power to protect the joy in your world.
I think for a lot of us here - at least for me, anyway - the reason we’re so hung up on the “affairs in order” piece is that we’ve been there.
By “there” in this case, I am referring to the Emergency Room or the hospital room.
My mother had an extremely long and detailed Advanced Directive. One, that in the end - named me as her decision maker representative.
On the occasion of The Big One - the fall that changed everything and landed her in the hospital for the holy grail 3-day stay - the doctor noted that my mom had a respectable case of cellulitis on one shin. This same doctor, prior to even beginning to examine and treat my mother had done her due diligence and read the Advanced Directive that my mother had filed with her health plan - which ran this hospital.
To my surprise - as the doctor is telling me of my moms various test and conditions - she asks me if I wanted to authorize an antibiotic for the cellulitis.
Cellulitis, which left untreated would go septic and eventually kill my mom. The doctor goes on to say that she needs me to authorize and actually sign something agreeing to the antibiotic- as it goes against the wishes and instructions in the AD.
Now - me believing that it’s the spirit of the AD that should be followed - not the lettering - knowing that my mother wouldn’t want to die from a simply fixed skin infection- I sign away.
So Dorker- before, when in the ER with mil - it’s been “she’s not my mother” and such decisions were for sil and dh. But HE IS your father. Say your father winds up in the ER when K is having a tuna sandwich day and the doctors are looking to you...
Using my new favorite phrase:
What’s a girl to do? This isn’t one that can be answered with “Get a caregiver, dad”.
Again, HopeFloats - you are soooo all over it!!! Amazing. HopeFloats just dropped the mic!
A true case of Good Cop/Bad Cop. Textbook.