I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Dad, stepmother K, and kids Dorker and young brother remind me so much of the Hansel and Gretel story. In the story, the wimpy, gutless pantywaist of a father bowed down to the evil stepmother and abandoned his own small children in favor of his marital bliss. Everyone blames the cruel stepmother, but to me the father was worse because he had the responsibility to protect his young, but he threw them out to the wolf by being complicit in her evil doing.
Dorker's father turned his back on her and her brother almost all their lives because he valued the wife/stepmother K more than his children. He always will. That will never change even when he's in his deathbed.
In MO, K doesn't think of Dorker as family, neither does her father. If he does, he hasn't done a thing to prove it, except to use her service.
It's amazing to me that Dorker grew up to be such as caring, honest and responsible person.
No point in summoning me to the front, were any similar scenario at play.
Yes he answered my email and as I suspected he is awaiting more clarity on prognosis before uncovering the daunting news with K. That much I can buy into and said as much when mentioning to him that I can get behind a need for clarity. But once that's known I dont care to be part of any plan that exhibits deception.
BTW, he does have a c'giver on site nightly and every other day, daily and is open to increasing that if necessary. Is meeting resistance from K ..but perserving for now.
Maybe he is lying and manipulating and blowing smoke about monies he doesnt have and preps that are already in place that he wishes to manipulate around to engage me.
It will surface if that's the case.
There is an old lady at our church who thinks it's deplorable that DH has his mom in a facility and says so .. "you guys need to all be working to take care of her at home, she shouldn't have to go into a facility".
She knows not of what she speaks.. she's old, she has no filter anymore, . and without her husband who steps to the beat of her drum, she herself would likely be in a facility. Old/no filter/ailing/frail, etc.
FWIW .. when dad remarked about that, my response to him, ..
Me: "What the hell dad? Who, BUT family is gonna show up and advocate and do the things I've been doing .. whatever . .consider the source". Was my remark.
For me, that remark is not a die on the hill issue. It just isn't. So I've always had a spot in the periphery .. that's all I've ever known. And I've said all along throughout all of this crises they endured, them so private . always through and through, so very very private .. were it not for a crises rendering both, at the same time, .. down for the count, unable to help the other .. it's likely I'd of heard about whatever ailed one or the other "after the fact".
They have both been . all of my adult life .. extremely self sufficient and V.E.R.Y. private .. about their comings and goings. ALWAYS. I was trying to wrack my brain if they've ever called upon me, to help with anything in my adult life and I can't remember ever being called upon. I am quite sure, 1000% sure .. were either able to have attended to the other in this latest malady . I'd of not known of it. Unless .. I happened to just give a quick call, as I've been known to do, to stay in touch . periodically. And even then, . I may have been lied to .. "oh he's out to lunch with some of his old cronies .. ".
So what makes me think, if he will lie to his wife .. and cover up and deceive . that he's not doing the same with me. He very well might be. It will surface eventually if that's the case. Always does. Lies have a way of revealing themselves.
Will I cut him off at the pass, . "Dad you have a pattern of lying to your wife . and covering up . and kicking cans down the road and pushing me to the periphery . and sans the fact both of you were down for the count, I'd of not even known of your calamity on this end . so . you have a nice life dude ... all that self sufficiency and privacy through the years . you enjoy that .. and I'll back right on outta the scene here .. so have at it .. best of luck to ya both".
Not who I am.
No, I don't intend to see to daily minutia that goes into c'giving .. even if it's dad in the throes of chit running down his pant leg . he better be seeing to having a c'giver on site . .and if he doesn't . then good luck to em. No, I don't intend to run to the grocery store daily and drag casseroles in, and run errands to hardware stores and banks .. and so forth. Doc visits . to get past . and into this next phase .. yep .. I'll get behind that, .. as I said I would, .. as long as it doesn't implicate me in lies and deception and I've said as much.
So I get another phone call, next week, tomorrow, next month .. that he's on his way to the hospital .. can't breathe or whatever the case may be. I'd likely show up .. but when it comes to any medical professional looking in my direction as to treatments .. as I said, I'd be standing there with a shrug of the shoulders, "Tried to get him to do MPOA .. don't look at me, I have no authority here". So his dumb luck, would be HIS dumb luck .. he can see to it, or not.
I can't go force his hand to sign anything .. anymore than I could when it was MIL
What I can do is help to the extent I'm willing (Dr. visits) .. and hold firm, the boundaries for the rest of it. That much I can do. And will.
Have I talked to my dad about his funeral and arrangements he'd like. He has a plot .. and told me where . where the paperwork is .. and he wishes to be cremated .. and the ashes interned in that plot that is paid for . he says the paperwork is in "XYX file cabinet". I didn't make him get up and go get it and show it to me, nor did I get up and go dig thru XYZ file cabinet to look for it. I took him at his word that he wasn't lying about it.
I didn't ask him, didn't occur to me, during that convo .. "do you have life insurance to pay for cremation?, where is the policy?". I didn't ask that pointed question, it didn't dawn on me, .. come to think of it. But that much ground, has been covered as to his wishes at death.
Is that all a lie? Could be.
I could be tasked with combing thru a file cabinet for some burial plot that never existed, and that nightmare. Yep. And so at that point, I can fork over $ to have him cremated and an internment or I can tell them, "do whatever you do with paupers who have no $". I guess .. that's what I'd be faced with if I'm being lied to.
I guess what I'm saying is that I have put it out there . as to what it is I expect of him ..
I even asked him in that same email, . "how's that LTC policy looking, had time to review it".
No response on that question.
I've put it out there .. he can set his own boundaries I suppose as to what he wishes to hear from my peanut gallery . just as I set my own as to what I'm willing to step to . as to need. He can like it, or not, .. and me the same.
When he was to go under for that all important bronchoscope thing . some social worker sort came into the room asking about advanced directives and living wills and such and became apparent none exists. And so he was asked if he'd like to fill out (I need to look at it, the wording again) .. a Health Care Surrogate (?) I think that was it .. and name me as his designate in the event of any emergency . and we talked of that .. briefly. Did he want a DNR . no he didn't wish to have a DNR in place . in other words, he does wish to be resuscitated ..
I need to pull out that document, . somehow I'm under the impression that wasn't a permanent thing, more a temporary as to "THIS" procedure and "THIS" process. But I need to look at it. Did it assign that authority to me, forever and ever amen.. that kinda thing.
When you said “it’s in the file cabinet” I had a flashback.
If there are any important documents in your Dad’s house I suggest that file cabinet be locked. There is Dementia in that house. Dementia does weird things. Documents could be “re-filed” in an underwear drawer, a junk drawer, squirreled away under a sofa cushion or placed in the attic. Or all of the above on different days.
You may not think K is capable of such chaos now but as things progress and the situation starts getting more stressful in the house weird things may or most likely will start to happen.
And on the MIL front, she fell last night, in the bathroom. Not seriously injured (this time). As I've mentioned before, . she is supposed to be asking for assistance when ambulating around .. but doesn't. If you ask her why, she says it takes them too long to come. She fell ... bout of chitapalooza at play .. and trying to get from her wheelchair onto the toilet .. and fell.
Maybe this is part of it all. But it just seems like every single day it's something. Every day.
Last night it was the fall.
Day before that it was carting her to the eye doc .. (facility transported and provided escort) .. and the confusion there. MIL reporting that it was a waste of time, they didn't even do anything .. no real clarity from her, as to what was done, who she saw .. etc etc. The story though, in the end, once SIL dialed in on it all, they did do a complete work up . her rx hasn't changed much, they did re-insert tear duct plugs . as the ones done in February have already disintegrated ..so forth. She did see the same doc she has seen for years . though she reported she'd seen someone new.
Day before that it was the need to have DD come and wash/set her hair, as she has a doc appt (eye appt above) and her hair looks a sight.
Day before that it was the abusive/abrasive CNA and her having man-handled MIL . and gone into a tirade.
Day before that ... I guess SIL has DD on it, . who knows ... DD now having to find/order some new clothing, PJ's for MIL .. as she's lost so much weigh through all she's been through, nothing fits her anymore. So DD calling, needing the CC (DH has all her important papers, etc.).
Oh and also, ... I guess DD when she'd gone to take care of washing/setting MIL's hair . I guess MIL had implored upon her ... "she just wants to go somewhere, get out of there, . she's been confined to institutional life .. since February .. first at POSH .. then moved to Purgatory . she just wants to go somewhere ... she wants to go to that favorite seafood shack .. wants to know is there any way we could get her out to do that .. "I was wondering mom ... what are your thoughts .. dad's bday is coming .. do you think we could do that, . or maybe grill out at your house, and go get her .. and bring her to your house ... I mean .. I'd be responsible for her, if she chits on herself .. I'm used to it, I deal in dirty diapers all day long .. I'd deal with it . .and yea she's in a wheelchair . and so we'd literally have to lift her up .. to get her into the house .. because you have steps to get into your house .. so I just wonder, what are your thoughts on it".
SIGH
My response to DD: "talk to your dad about it .. my thoughts though .. as long as she's chitting herself as routinely as she's doing . taking her out to go to that seafood shack isn't gonna be an option .. that place is so cramped, I don't even know how you'd navigate around there with a wheelchair, .. maybe if she ever gets to where she can be up and about more on a walker, . .that part is doable . perhaps . in time .. but for right now, she isn't ambulatory enough to even get out of the wheelchair and navigate .. not only that .. but .. the bathrooms in that seafood shack .. I mean one person can barely fit into a stall .. and if she chits herself .. there'd be absolutely nowhere to deal with it .. so .... I don't think . you ask MO .. that's not really in the cards for her . and as to bringing her here .. again .. she isn't ambulatory .. and there are steps here .. so it would mean carting her into the house by lifting her ... and then of course, to get around in my house, out to the screen room where we all seem to congregate .. all of that involves steps .. and so .. she'd
So she'd have to be routinely lifted just to even navigate around here at all, .. and our bathroom entries aren't handicap accessible here .. no way to fit a wheelchair through the doors to even get into the bathrooms here. And the bigger problem that I see, ... pervasive in it all, . is the drama that would ensue . time to go back to the facility . there would be tears and drama . .and I just really don't think it's a good idea. You ask MO .. that's MO... but talk to your dad about it".
She did ultimately talk to her dad . and the answers/concerns were about the same, the misgivings as to any plan to "she just wants to get out of there and go do something" .. his misgivings were about the same, sans the drama piece of it all, he didn't seem to have that as any concern, as I do. I see it as a V.E.R.Y. valid piece of it all .. and it would be tears and drama . and it's all so unnecessary.
I just don't think it's practical .. to be carting her somewhere. Not when chitapalooza has been such an issue for her daily existence. I'm not even sure how much of that is really Diahrea .. and/or just an old person with loose stool . I really don't know, .. and don't know who or if anyone is dialing in on that . but it is a fact, . chitapalooza is part of her daily life ..
Yes Depends .. and I guess that is a factor where she resides currently.
But . nevertheless . so find some place she likes for lunch . maybe has a handicap accessible bathroom . cart her in her wheelchair out to lunch . get her outta there for a bit .. but even still .. you'd do so knowing you may very well be in a bathroom stall cleaning up chit .. as part/parcel of any outing . with her, that very much could be the case.
So .. whatever.
It's just .. it's always something .. every single day . there is a new saga on that scene. Every day. Maybe that's how it is w/these things.
But it's .. I dunno .. seems to me like it's an inordinate amount of attention required to the whole thing. DD now jumping thru the hoop to go get her hair washed/set for her .. and now on the job of getting her new clothes .. pj's . since her pj's and clothing are now too big for her. SIL . now dialing in on the eye doc .. and getting the true skinny on that .. and both DH and SIL . dialing in on the piece about the CNA that was abusive/abrasive .. and getting that dealt with .. and just . I dunno .. does it generally take a "team" to deal with these folks and all the issues . is that how it goes.
Why don't H and DD get some shrimp from the seafood shack and bring it to MIL where she is?
I'm sure I have heard mention on the forum of disability legislation in the US, so surely to heaven the area can't be totally devoid of restaurants with appropriate wheelchair access and bathroom facilities. It only wants a bit of research.
Not by you, I don't mean. All I mean is I wouldn't stop anyone else doing it if they're keen. "Feel free," you can say. "Be my guest."
I agree with you wholeheartedly about not taking MIL out, at least not right now, and not until if/when she adjusts to her environment in the facility. I had this same concern with my mom. There was drama and/or tears every time I even had to take her back after a doctor's appointment. What happens if she digs in her heels and refuses to go back? SIL and DH both have POA, but without a formal dementia diagnosis, MIL is still considered competent and able to make those decisions, even against medical advice.
Maybe you guys and/or DD can bring some takeout from her favorite seafood joint and have a nice lunch there in the dining area of the facility or even outside if the weather is nice. It would probably do MIL good to get some sunshine and fresh air, but this way she wouldn't have to leave the premises.
Not as exhausting as having her get hands on care from us, but still quite a job, divided amongst my brother, SIL and myself. Managing money, health visits, clothing, shopping etc.
DH has threatened .. "I may go there and get her favorite fish sandwich for her, and margarita to go . .and bring it to her".
My response: "Do it ... if you want to .. but maybe bed time/dinner hour . .so that if she gets a bit loopy with the Margarita . it's bed time, less chance for fall".
The logistics of it all ... I mean . the reality ..
Yes, DD .. is very very good with all of that kinda thing, but as her dad told her, when she ran that all past him (valid points in him).
DH: "Well daughter .. I mean when you're here . you always have the 3 kids with you .. we have a pool here . and so the kids are always wanting to swim . and that .. that takes up 1000% of your attention or ours .. someone's . we don't just turn them loose in the pool . someone has to accompany that . and generally more than one of us .. so .. at least a couple of us are gonna be hyper focused on the kids and their needs .. and .. mom too . needs someone with all eyes/attention on her needs too .. like a child . and so .. I don't know how practical it all is in reality".
Good points.
Yes absolutely DD . without any doubt .. (has the stomach for it, I do not) . would go clean up a chitty bottom and a bathroom .. and she has the brute strength to try and pick her up and help her onto and off of a toilet .. she would do so . absolutely .. I don't doubt it for a minute.
But that leaves her 3 kids .. needing attention . and her occupied otherwise.
Sounds to me far too hairy and biting off too much to deal with. You have her 3 kids, ages 5 and 2 .. and they .. need f/t attention. All of them. Yes there would be DH here .. there would be DD's husband here, myself .. so 3 other adults .. but just how attentive does each wish to be, to the various parties that need f/t hyper focus ..
I dunno.
Yes .. find a restaurant nearby that has handicap accessible bathrooms . go into it knowing you may be in the bathroom cleaning up chit . down her legs and off her bottom and changing her clothes .. and cleaning the chair she sat in as she had a blowout there in the restaurant.
To me .. I guess .. it's just not that much of a priority .. to go and do all that. It just isn't. Call me mean for not wanting to put someone else's want in front of my own. I just don't care enough to put myself in that predicament to give her . her "want" to get outta there for a bit, an outing.
If DH wants to . knock yourself out .. go for it.
If DD wants to .. go right on ahead . make sure it's a time your husband can stay home and watch your kids for you . because while I enjoy your kids ... I don't wish to make this any kinda pattern .. that .. g'ma wants to get out and have an outing and so now Dorker is responsible for child care coverage for you to see to g'ma's "want" to have an outing . on any kinda routine basis. And it would even . in DD's case . she drives a mini van . no way in h377 MIL could climb "up" into the seat to go in the mini van. So DD would have to borrow my car .. which isn't a mini van. Do I want to now have chit stained seats in my car, where a blow out may have occurred. No.
DH drives a pickup truck . no way she could climb up into that ..
I guess DD could go get MIL's car .. and get her in that .. and if the seats get chitted up . then DD would clean it up .. (and she would, she's responsible enough to see to that).
But it just . to me . nah . it's not that important that her "wants" get seen to .. not when it entails all the above and consideration thereof. Nope.
When a loved one is in a facility there are things family need to take care of. There do seem to be a lot of “extra” things going on. Some things DD are choosing to do and some things directed from afar.
MIL falling. Is she refusing to use the call button? Or is she not remembering to use the call button? Whatever the reason there really is not an answer. Falls are common in facilities sadly until the Elder is no longer able to try to get out of the wheelchair.
Really? because I DREADED leaving the house with them.
Even after the move to memory care, we only took MIL out a couple of times and with the decreased mobility, etc, it was not an easy task. We couldn’t take FIL out, we would never have gotten him back.
I still think MIL is a prime candidate for (the eye doctor is another example of what that) and honestly, that is the thing SIL and DH should be working on now, much more important than some of the other things going on. Memory care staff are trained and will know much better how to assess and handle MIL realistically. Where she is now, everyone seems to be assuming she has her marbles.
One thing I just thought of, most places have a “bridge-type” system where SIL and DH could log in, see the reports from staff, doctor updates, med lists. That alone could alleviate much of the back and forth and confusion. SIL or DH (not you:) should check if this facility provides that type of system.
Back to the “get out of jail” topic, facilities typically have outings. Most of the time, someone from the family is welcome to join them on the outing or meet them at the destination. That is what I would limit this to. My ILs were so far gone by the time we placed them, that we didn’t really have the opportunity to take advantage of any of that. But, we have been present with others, and it can be festive to have family member at some of the outing, especially meals out. Much more relaxing for family, too, as the staff handles all of the “ick”.
I also agree with FrazzledMama and DH on bringing it to her. You could have a party in her room, but I would reserve a spot on the patio or in a dining room, or even just a table in the sitting area. This will force her to get out of her room. She will see you saying hi to some of the other folks.
Plus, and this is a little weird but may appeal to her vanity... in these homes, it is almost like a resident’s visitors and their friendliness and visibility has an effect on the resident’s popularity, lol. I know it sounds strange, but I have seen it over and over again.
Or hire a nurse/transport for a few hours and go out to dinner.
Take her for a walk outside of the facility in her wheelchair.
Do any of the above... but I would not - at this point - bring her to anyone’s home. Not with DH’s and kids’ sensitivity to her sadness. I think you would get her back, but it would be brutal on everyone.
Getting her out is a nice thought. But as the logistics get increasingly more difficult, she (and the family) may need to change her mindset on what that looks like.
People who who are not burned out on elder care also have an easier time saying, “it is just for a few hours”, etc. and good on DD for wanting to. But, at the same time, you don’t have to feel bad for not wanting to. You are approaching this from totally different perspectives.
I still have a hard time even going to visit because I am so completely burned out from years of exhaustion from them and the situation with my mother and brother. I just feel done and I am woefully behind in my life. Honestly, I resent the work I still have to do for any of them. I am working on that in myself, so I don’t overcompensate and become too dispassionate, lol. You don’t have that problem, so take the action you can find peace with.
This is the D that relies on you a lot for childcare. I think you are right that you would be doing childcare while DD does MILcare during outings. And any outing could be aborted if someone was sick. Or MIL would expect someone else to step in so she could get her outing.
It sounds awful, but that aspect has been much better as she has declined both cognitively and physically, she went to a wheelchair and full assist, and she doesn’t keep trying to get up. I would never wish that on her, but the pain of the falls and the hospital visits were very trying for her.
Very old age, with the feebleness and dementia, simply sucks. How much it sucks and in which ways it sucks varies with the day.
The first few months in a facility are a lot of navigating a new normal and a new world. Everyone will get used to figuring out what is a reasonable expectation of a group care environment as well as which hills are worth dying on:)
Tips for DD...
I keep a list of MIL’s and Bro’s sizes and preferred styles (that also fit the easy-on, easy-off, durable in the wash criteria) and where to order them. Often, I have the order of whatever is needed sent directly to the facility with her or Bro’s name.
I check the closet every once in a while and see where holes need to be filled in. Expect this will happen. Kind of like a cost of doing business. The facility will lose clothes, and even labeled ones end up on other people... some of the combos are rather humorous (or maybe DH and I are sad people that have REALLY needed to find the humor in these crappy situations:) Or you may find other people’s clothing in MIL’s closet. I just return them to staff. Chitapalooza may render items irredeemable... even at our home, some explosions were just so destructive the items were not worth dealing with.
At least you don’t have other siblings who are guilty over not visiting bringing a clothing gift and not labeling it. Since I do all of the clothes, I was always trying to figure out where the clothes came from and if they belonged to someone else. Now, I let it go. Shirt-sharing at memory care isn’t worth a heart attack for Hope, lol.
Create a uniform... tasteful but not precious. Items that are standard in stores, darker in color. Nice looking, but easily replaceable. In summer, I have black linen crop pants for MIL with lighter colored tops. In winter, black pull on pants with a tasteful cut, wide neck tees and cardigans. Very stretchy, pantyhose type bras. Black socks or hose/dark shoes, for sure. She looks nice, but the clothes are hard to stain, etc. I try to avoid white, as stains (from food dropping on them or from the back end;) are part of the reason people in homes have that dirty look sometimes. Bring light color in through scarf, lipstick, costume jewelry or even a throw blanket for the lap.
She sleeps in a long tee shirt. Nightgowns got wrapped around her legs in the night, pj’s were hard to change on the fly. Victoria’s Secret has sleep shirts that button up the front and look exactly like her pj’s.
Well, that was a brain dump.
That, in part, was because of my involvement in my dad's saga . and not available to the MIL scene. Also partly, .. I just feel so done with it all. Burnout? Perhaps . but I find I just am not all that interested, engaged, .. to care all that much as to the day to day happenings. I hear about them .. oh yea .. I hear about it, .. daily .. whatever the latest saga dujour is .. yep. But I'm not on site, and/or making phone calls, and dialing in on what the goings on are. And that's kinda how I want it to be.
Yes, the facility has outings . but let's all remember, those are all "old people", .. "that's not me" .. "This isn't what I'm about".
She has yet to engage there. The only time she leaves her room is for her much coveted and looked forward to PT/OT. That's it. There are functions in the commons area .. games, crafts . music programs, chair exercises, . any number of things. But "that's not me, those are all old people", that kinda thing. She doesn't engage.
There have been a couple of outings that I'm aware of .. but again .. she doesn't engage. She stays in her room.
As DH has noted .. she of the ilk who so detests the slumpers of the world ... (not wanting exposure to all that, by being out among them). DH has noted, quite often in fact, when going to visit her .. one finds her in her wheelchair, in her room .. no tv on, no magazine opened, no book . just *slumped* over .. in her wheelchair .. doing nothing at all, (dozing perhaps). SLUMPING. Go figure! And/or .. he sometimes finds her .. in her bed, no tv, .. no magazine, book, nothing . just laying there .. in the bed .. broad daylight hours . and staring at nothing . and/or asleep. SLUMPING. Go figure.
So .. outings sponsored by the facility. There are some .. she refuses to partake. She's not one of those "old people", etc etc etc.
And yes, I'm very familiar with having carted her around when she was on her walker (before broken hip which has all but left her in a wheelchair, but she still struggles .. to get up out of it . and does so .. only this time . she fell). Very familiar with carting her around when she was on a walker. That in and of itself, . was tedious and cumbersome . just getting from point A to B . and yes, .. there was one time .. we'd gone out to lunch and supposed to go to a movie. By the time we got to the theater . .lunch was knocking on the back door in the form of chitapalooza (this is before institutional life) .. and .. so .. the movie . that was out .. our time was spent in the handicap bathroom .. cleaning her up . .and then back to the car, plastic trash bag in the seat to prevent stains and dampness . and the ride back home.
I am just not of the ilk to weather that kinda scene again. She has only grown worse since those days, as to ambulating . as to chitapalooza .. I just find it more trouble than it's worth. Maybe DD .. maybe SIL . when she's in town, maybe DH .. maybe it's worth it to them . to put her happiness and an outing .. on the radar. It isn't to me.
Oh, Dorker. This just completely cracked me up this morning!
For once my dear sister listened - did this with my dad - found that he lasted less than 45 minutes ON SITE - rethought the - getting dressed, getting in car, going to restaurant business and simply brought stuff in and had lunch in the atrium.
She might get too exhausted too quickly to make an outing even a little fun for her.
My mother has been to my house for the last time in her life. We have a split entry and she walks in and is confronted with 7 stairs. Mostly, the 'guys' just carry her, but she hasn't been to my house for 2 years, and don't expect she will ever come again.
We tried to plan outings for her and she'd initially say yes, then the day or two before she'd get 'sick' and we'd kibosh the whole thing.
Now she is becoming occasionally fecal incontinent. It's awful. She can clean herself, if she's home. Away from home---well, she only goes to the Sr Center, so they're used to that.
As far as MIL slumping, you could take a pic of her doing that, but to what end? She'd just feel bad. My mother saw a picture of herself recently and was appalled at how bad she looks. Not really bad, just Old. And she turns 89 on Monday, so I don't know what she expects.
Her denial is amazing--truly, Probably what has kept her 'going' all these years.
My mom .. is on the social media also and commented on MIL's picture "she looks really bad Dorker .. I hadn't seen her in a long while .. she looks so old and frail".
Yup.
You're right Midkid . and even DH noted that when DD began asking about bringing her here for a cookout or whatnot.
DH: "She wouldn't come here anymore, even when she lived at home . .said it was just too hard .. too hard to go anywhere"
<that coupled with the last time she was here in our home . it was to shelter from a hurricane . and it was not a pleasant experience. Those of you who've been here a minute reading the thousands of posts will remember, .. by that time, Dorker the servant had thrown in the towel . and no longer followed along at her elbow to be at her beckon call. Yes, she sheltered here, as her area had been under evacuation order, . but that didn't mean by any stretch that Dorker was the same ole trusty Dorker. Dorker was grabbing a bunch of "GONE" as my dad would term it .. I wasn't here .. servicing her and poochy's every whim. She was wholly unsatisfied and said at the time .. of the whole experience, that she had never been treated so rudely in her life and would never darken our doorstep again. This after also, ... our power was back on .. her's was not . we wouldn't take her back home . no power in her home ... and so she referred to that as "I'm a prisoner here, .. I'm the same as a prisoner .. I can't go home".
Thus .. after that experience .. she would decline any offer to come here. She didn't lay it at the feet of .. "NO, . the last time I was at your house, you all were rude to me". She always declined invites there forward, . and blamed it .. "its' too hard to get out and go anywhere". "Too embarassing .. that I have to be helped to do everything .. to get up out of a chair, to go to the bathroom, to get to the table to eat .. I'm more comfortable at home".
So no . any invites from there forward .. always declined.
She certainly has not gotten MORE ambulatory since that time . she's gotten a lot worse. And ... she likely doesn't remember that .. all of it .. all she wants is an "outing" . what goes along with all that, lost on her. Maybe it was she that planted a seed in DD .. "Hey maybe I can go to your mom and dad's house for a cookout, could you all maybe help me to get there".
I don't know who came up with that as any brilliant notion .. DD or MIL. Not sure. But I think it's a really bad plan. She would .. first/last/always . be tearful and dramatic when it's time to leave . not to mention the logistics of a home with steps in it .. steps to enter, steps to exit .. so on . and bathroom entry ways that don't accommodate the width of a wheelchair. Really really bad plan IMO.
And no, I was never rude to her, when she sheltered here .. not even close. Aloof/gone .. yes .. not present .. not here to cater to poochy and his needs and she and her needs . you bet .. yep . guilty .. but rude . no.. not even close.
By that time, I'd been told so many times "She'll manage, she doesn't want more help . others helping . she'll manage", or from her .. "now don't you send folks over here, I won't answer the door, I don't want people coming and going, I will manage just fine on my own" ..
I had heard that so many times it should've been tattoo'd on my forehead ..
So by golly ... I was all about "well manage then". And I grabbed a bunch of GONE.
Not on you in the least, but a close-by restaurant for a simple nice meal probably could work if pre-planned. The place would have to be scoped out in advance as to wheelchair accessibility and facilities. Perhaps advance reservations of the table closest to the restroom could be arranged.
MIL and staff would need to be prepared in advance, too. An outfit and clean-up prepared. MIL must be made aware of the potential problems, like seriously asking her if she feels she will be up to it? If she feels her bowels will be under control? If she feels able to get into and out of the car with help? And she must be told that she will be brought right back after the meal and perhaps continue in for a bit with a visit in the room. That needs to be made plain and clear. If it is a go, tell her the date and time in advance so that MIL will have something to think about and look forward to. The anticipation can occupy their time and thoughts for some time, I've found. That, and the "bragging rights" that they are going on a family outing. That IS their status at these places - how much their family "cares".
Dorker - this is for her immediate family to navigate, not you. You have more than done your share! Although you can guide them with your clarity as they do seem clueless and idealistic sometimes. Thing is, you have to keep in mind that the whole situation does not go on forever, and the end really can happen at any time. (MIL does seem to be winding down pretty fast now.) By doing a few "happy" things at this point, it really may help in the future to alleviate any feelings of regret and guilt that may tug at DH, SIL, or DD after the inevitable. They can snap some loving pictures, and look back at these later and know they did what they could to make some happy ending memories. Heck - DD already appears to be doing that with her snapshots!
You know your loved ones better than anyone, and the extent that their regrets may tug at them later. It's really not so much about pleasing MIL at this point, but about creating the optimal comforting scenario for DH, SIL, and grandkids now for their future well-being after MIL passes.
Okay. That last one was for dramatic purposes - but you get my drift.
Yes. Mil has no one to blame but herself and dumb luck. But holy Jesus - just imagine what it must feel like to be her, long about now. It’s enough to make me want to go tape a dry cleaning bag over my head! Old age, at her age, can be beyond cruel. She’s asking for a meal out - not a limousine ride back to her little house and her little dog. Both of which, by the way - she’s never going to see again and she knows it.
No one to blame but herself. Okay. Sure. But for pity’s sake - a little generosity of spirit for someone doing their Farewell Tour. And, not like Cher has. I mean, seriously - does anyone here actually think mil has the need to shop for a new Easter bonnet? I’m just saying...
Im not discounting your 15 years of truly above and beyond servitude. I’m not. I just think this is a different type of generosity.
As for the chitapalooza? Well, yes - chit does happen. And, yes - it’s awful. Really awful - especially when you’re out in public. I have been playing Chitapalooza Roulette with Rainman for 26 years. Let me tell you - every time I leave the house with Rainman it’s like dealing with ticking chit time-bomb. But we manage. I manage. It happens - you deal-you move on. And, pray to God it never happens again. And, it will.
But whats the alternative? For Rainman to never leave the house? For mil to never leave the facility- sans a yippy-skippy van ride to the proctologist?
Dorker - I’m not saying you have to do it. DD has shown a willingness. Maybe dd can start small - see where MILs energy level takes her. DD can slap some Hefty Bags over the seats in MILs Camry and take ‘em both out for a spin. If MILs energy and bowels hold out - hit a drive thru and go park somewhere with a pretty view to eat. As for dd’s kids? Dorker- you love to babysit, right? It would be mean spirited to say “no” just because it’s all for mil - and we all know you’ve not a mean bone in your body. I know it’s a gigantic stretch - but maybe dh could go along the first time... just in case.
Please consider this. As mil has said - 1000X at least - she has lost everything. Her fault? Sure. Whatever. It’s still a miserable way for ones life to end.
I agree that it's a bragging point if a resident's family takes them out. My mother noted that her roommate (before she got a private room) got to go to her son's home at Christmas.
Myself .. I don't do this heat/humidity very well at all. I had, several years ago, what was probably close to a heat stroke, . .ever since then, the heat .. and me, not a good mix. Get too over heated . and begin to feel nauseous . and I just don't cope real well with it. So if I visit, which I haven't done .. carting her outside wouldn't be something I'd do.
Yes, it will be interesting to stand back and kind of watch to see if this gets put on anyone's agenda. I'm not sure if this was all motivated in MIL's wish to get outta there, or maybe .. DD .. and her own want, .. to get her g'ma out and about.
Wherever it originated .. yes, indeed .. have at it. Scope out the appropriate setting . handicap accessible bathroom facilities, ramps appropriate on the curb outside to get into the restaurant and back out w/a wheelchair .. a roomy enough place one can wheel a wheelchair in and around inside, without bumping into and annoying other patrons.
A splendid idea .. have at it.
I'm betting .. it won't happen. Nobody will take the initiative to do the legwork, to see/find a suitable setting .. and then put a plan into action.
In all honesty, I question her ability to even get up out of the chair and seated into the car. Maybe I'm wrong .. not sure, since I don't go there as often as I thought I'd be going . just for a friendly visit here and there.
She "does" (or was) .. struggling through, on her own . .getting up and out of the wheelchair, to *change clothes* .. and to *toilet*... she was doing it . somehow. But fell just a couple of days ago doing so. Not sure if that has impacted her willingness to continue with that struggle.
THEY WANT HER TO ASK FOR ASSISTANCE . and "NOT" .. struggle to do so on her own. But whether she is still doing so, on her own,. it's not known to me.
So how would she actually get up out of the wheelchair and into an auto .. ??.... well I guess . she could be lifted .. maybe by DH and DD .. or maybe she's capable of that little small struggle, . .as treacherous and dangerous as it might actually be to view it progressing. I'm just not sure. Not anything I wanna solely be in charge of and don't intend to.
I guess, we'll just stand back and watch if that plan ever comes to fruition.