I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Here in California, there are private transport services for the disabled. They tend to be co$$$tly, but may be worth it for an extra-special event.
That said ... for me, a high potential for chitpalooza would be a deal breaker, especially since there'd be no extra help (unless the family hires someone) at the restaurant/event itself.
Dorker, your father has now been home from rehab for a week. Has your father needed to "rely" on you for anything new? I hope not.
Only those who have lived it "get it", that proverbial shoe is sure to drop at any time.
I wonder just how much fatigue comes from "dread". There is certainly nothing tugging at me presently. But I do live with a sense of dread.
Have only communicated with my dad via emails back & forth since his Rehab discharge to home.
C'giver that stays over night (for now) ....K and undx'd Sundowner's. Haven't asked ... that measure taken until dad could get a "read" for his own comfort level as to how undone she will be nightly <or not>. I haven't asked if he is finding that perhaps can be dispensed with as maybe not as necessary as he'd once thought.
C'giver on site daily a few x's a week, errands, cooking, light housework, laundry.
Thats about the sum of my knowledge on their front and is as I want it.
No news good or bad on MIL front for a couple of days. I do know the chitapalooza story ....DH had gotten a late evening phone call from staff at Purgatory to inform they are starting her on a 2x daily dose of Immodium.
Heard DH talking to his mom on the phone last night. Her complaints as to chitapalooza. Him asking if the Immodium was helping and her response she wasn't being given Immodium.
Some back & forth between he and she. He advising staff called to report she'll be given 2 daily doses to try to wrangle chitapalooza under control. Her saying shes not been given Immodium.
I thought, hearing this conversation... he might should follow up with staff on the above. One cant take MIL at her word anymore. She gets confused and forgetful.
I was distracted and never suggested he follow up and I know he never did.
Whatever...
Who knows.
Regarding MIL, H has been trained that SIL will handle the MIL issues. I'm sure she will be on it sometime soon. I am so glad that you are completely out of the picture!
At least with the current chitpalooza, there will be no talking about taking MIL out. But then neither H nor DD seemed particularly interested, anyway, since they'd done no planning for it.
Its such a mix set of feelings - on
the one hand, I’m so codependently involved with this thread I practically have withdrawals when days go by with no posts. But on the other hand - no posts likely mean all is well in Dorkerville. And for Dorker - I am genuinely happy.
As for Mil and her dos doses of Immodium - considering she saw the same eye doctor that she’s always gone to, yet reported to sil that she saw someone new... I tend to think she’s probably receiving it. But it sure wouldn’t hurt for dh to follow up. While my mom was in a nursing home I always thought it a good idea to make sure the staff knew - that I knew - all the goings on regarding my moms care.
Regarding the outings. From a few past posts regarding DD... DD seems to be a bit of a behind the scenes instigator. I honestly don’t mean that as a criticism. I can’t recall the details as I’m still on my first cup of coffee and my brain is still sluggish- but I do remember dd and M putting their heads together towards some MIL related goal. Anyhoo - I suspect dd was hoping to plant a seed that Dorker would water and sprout - springing her granny from the Old Folks Home for a few hours. While DD’s heart is in the right place, her aim is off. DD really ought to be working her magic on her father instead. Not that that’s likely to germinate. Let’s face it - if mil is going anywhere beyond a shuttle ride to a doctors appointment- it’s gonna have to wait until sil is back in town for it to occur.
As for sil. I think sil is right where she planned to be all along - when she brought mil back to Florida. Mil back in Florida and sil returning to her past pattern of directing from 1000 miles away - between sweeping into town, running her wheel and then sweeping back out to Illinois. I do believe - as most here do - that sil thought Dorker was back in. Now, knowing that Dorker is definitely NOT back - sil has merely adjusted her rose colored glasses into seeing what she wants to see - that MILs needs are being attended by dd, her brother and Purgatory staff. But of course, only with her indispensable, dutiful daughter oversight.
Ah well. A new normal.
She thought wrong.
I'm not opposed ... if that's what DD and DH want to organize and make happen .. go for it. She asked MO and I gave it to her, .. deferring to her dad for the specifics as to what his thoughts might be. His thoughts, it turned out, pretty much aligned with mine. Not while chitapalooza is such an issue ongoing .. and .. not while she can't ambulate sans a wheelchair .. not even real sure she can do well with pivoting and so forth, to get in and out of an auto.
But I'm not all that interested in doing the legwork, seeking out the PT personnel to confer with on the topic .. scoping out a site that might be suitable for an outing and carting along supplies in case chitapalooza comes into play. And not only that, .. I'm not even real sure I want to be part of a scene that I suspect, might end in tears .. at having to be consigned back at "that God forsaken place" as she'd term it. Not at all sure. I'd likely find somewhere else I have to be, and DD an DH can take the ball and run with it.
Thus far, there has been no further dialogue on making the above any real plan.
Dorker, the mover/shaker, "makes things happen" . has stepped away from the MIL scene. At least as to moving/shaking and making things happen. I just don't go there anymore.
It has been of interest to me, .. as to SIL and she's where she wants to be .. in IL .. directing from afar .. that was ... some suspect . her plan all along. She'd swoop into town .. and do her three week stint here .. and off she'd go again, directing from afar .. and that worked for a long long time.
I have pondered it .. a lot. I recall finally having that long awaited, much demanded phone convo with her .. MIL in her care in IL .. and my making it abundantly clear to her, . that I was no longer on the MIL c'giver train. Departing/resigning .. and that .. if she is left here, to "she'll manage, she can't even think about placement anywhere . makes her too sad .. she'll manage", . she's gonna get to do just that .. without conscripting me into the scene. And SIL's response at that time .. on the phone, her in IL and me here in FL .. MIL in her care.
So stunning to me, that at the time, .. SIL's response was more aligned w/a thought process "I can't even go there .. as to placement .. I'll just do this .. I'll just take care of her, . as long as I can .. that's all I know to do ... I just can't even make her talk about it, it makes her too sad .. I don't want the waning days of her life to be sad ones . and so I'll do what I can . as long as I can".
And my response somewhere along the lines of "I don't agree with that . I think she needs more care . but it's certainly yours and your brother's decision . not mine . and so .. you guys do as you will, but I won't be stepping to the beat of her needs any longer".
And SIL saying .. (still remember it clearly) . her words: "well you and I could probably get into a screaming match over it all and have a horrible fight . because I can't see things the way you do .. she's my mom and I love her . and I want to, as best I can . make her happy .. you and I could probably have a knock down drag out over it all, but I just don't want it to go there .. so .. I'll just do the best I can as long as I can".
I remember thinking at the time .. I didn't say it, because I too wasn't interested in a knock down drag out fight .. but my thoughts were, .. in what world do you find any justification whatsoever, to scream and yell at me .. where in any of this .. is there ANY responsibility hoisted upon me to make sure your mom isn't sad .. and spends her days "happy" .. that's not my responsibility .. good you see the merit in not reducing this to a screaming match .. because .. you have no grounds to base that on.
Somehow .. that conversation . which took F.O.R.E.V.E.R. to get her ear to transpire .. she wouldn't give me the time of day for a long long time . to even hear me .. my input .. but that conversation . had within mere couple of months of their return here to FL .. somehow .. it all changed. In that couple of months.
By the time they returned here to FL .. it was pretty much arriving on the radar at that point . that she cannot be left alone . to "manage". SIL now aware .. seemingly that her mom is NOT interested .. N.O.T. ... N.O.T............. in any return trip to IL .. and .. her now aware that isn't gonna be a workable plan . that she somehow cart her mom back and forth between here and IL ... and be her c'giver .....
Somehow in the couple of months time ... the above had come to light .. IL is NOT NOT NOT going to return to IL .. ever ..
SIL also now .. more aware than ever . .leaving her mom here . all alone to manage is gonna mean just that .. I'm not doing it .. and .. all she'd weathered in having her mom in her care .. 24/7 . in IL. She came to the realization .. once back here . placement has to be sought.
And so here we are, at present day. MIL housed at Purgatory .. and just as sad and unhappy as predicted .. if not even more than predicted.
It has been of interest to me to sit back and watch . somewhat .. that SIL has kinda put DD in the place where Dorker used to reside, .. and I suppose DD a willing participant of same. So be it. DD is an adult and can make her own decisions.
I know that DD mentioned the other day, she'd be going on Sunday to do MIL's hair for her. I mentioned to DD: "You know there is a salon there, . they will do her hair, just have to make an appt".
DD: "She can't afford that".
Me: "Yes she can . she has a monthly allowance of $'s to spend for her own needs".
DD: "I don't mind .. it seems to mean a lot to her, . that I'll take the time to do it . and I don't mind doing it".
Okay.
DD also questioning me along the way .. seems SIL has prompted DD into service to (cc in hand to pay for it) .. get MIL some new clothing .. MIL has lost so much weight nothing fits anymore. New PJ's .. new clothing. DD and I guess SIL, . working this together, at a specific dept store online .. so DD isn't out and about with kids in tow . and so .. DD ordering these items for delivery to her home .. and she will now go today .. new clothing, pj's in tow . and help MIl to try on some things .. DD asking me what sizes do I know that MIL wears .. and what should she try . since she's lost so much weight.
DD doesn't seem to mind doing so. More power to her.
I guess SIL has her prompted also looking for new shoes for MIL. I asked, "what's wrong with her sneakers she wears".
DD: "She can't bend over to tie them".
So I guess the hunt is now on for some kinda slip on shoes ..???... I dunno ..???... who knows. Just glad it's not me. There was a time I'd of been the one in the mire of all this.
(not sure what's wrong with slip on house shoes that have a decent tread on the bottom, but I'm not in all this for a reason .. I ask logical/nonsense questions . and nobody wants to answer the questions).
We (DH and myself) went to see MIL yesterday afternoon . and the talk of the moment seemed to be her disorientation. She'd fallen asleep (nap) in the afternoon . and woke up . and found her room mate's bed made and her gone (same thing that happens in the AM when one wakes up .. room mate, doesn't stay in the room .. except to sleep) .. and so this disoriented MIL. She'd awakened . not realizing she'd only napped . thought she'd lost an entire day and it was the next day. That fact had been so hard for her to grab ahold of.
She'd even wheeled herself around all over the place to go find Chatty Cathy . to ask her what day it is ... (not sure why she didn't' ask any number of other folks she must've passed along the way to do this).
Finally found chatty cathy in some other visiting area .. with a visitor who had come to call .. and got her answer from chatty cathy .. not it's still Saturday ..
But that all . just a concept that had so thrown her, .. in fact, I think she was still somewhat disoriented when we were there. Her son asked her, .. "did you have your shower today .. showers are Weds and Saturdays . did they give you a shower today".
MIL: "No .. and I guess now I'll have to wait until Wednesday . no they never asked if I wanted a shower".
Me: "Did you want one?".
MIL: "well yes .. my hair needs to be washed .. I would like a shower but they never came . so I guess I'll have to wait now til the next time".
DH: "Mom it's still Saturday . maybe they're still yet to come".
About then a CNA popped in . just to check on her .. I asked .. "is it too late for her to be given a shower today".
CNA: "No . did you want a shower".
MIL: "Well yes .. if that's something I can do . yes".
CNA: "Well how about maybe 6 or so .. after your dinner".
MIL: "Well . that's awful early .. I'm still sleeping at that hour".
CNA: "No . here in a little bit . they'll be bringing dinner trays around .. and so .. you can have your shower after dinner if you'd like".
MIL: "Well I guess I have to wait til the next time . since it's now .. what day is this?".
In the end, it all got straightened out . but getting her on the page that today is still Saturday it's just late afternoon . you didn't miss a whole day and wake up into the next day it's still the same day . getting her on that page .. was nearly impossible.
They did come after dinner, and began prep for getting her showered and we left.
The visit was the same as it always is .. "I've lost everything, my home, my dog" .. the same things that always get said. The same negative nelly stuff ..
I know it can't be pleasant . and her brain doesn't work any longer to see what I see .. which is this. She cannot live alone any longer .. and in this setting .. she is taken care of ... she has foods brought to her .. she has her meds brought to her, her medical concerns get addressed .. she is bathed ... helped to clothe .. (when she'll ask for help . usually does it on her own, putting herself at risk for fall) ..
All she can see, with her broken brain is that she's lost everything .. that's all she an see in her tunnel vision.
I said to her, at one point on the above .. (I guess I thought it would make a difference, it didn't) ........... "yea but ya know what, Poochy is living the life of Riley at this point .. he has B to take care of him, take him for walks . I hear he's the hit of the neighborhood there .. gets loads of attention there .. loves it that they live near a nature preserve and so sometimes there are bunnies hopping in the yard . and he goes nuts trying to get outside at em .. he is happy .. and you couldn't take care of him anymore .. it's good he's happy and being well cared for".
I thought that would bring about in her, maybe a response of "Ya know, that's so true". It didn't.
She only responded like she always does (it's like it's programmed and rote) .. "I've lost everything .. I can't do anything anymore".
I guess unreasonable on my part to think she'd see it any other way. It would be nice to hear her respond, .. "well I haven't lost EVERYTHING .............. I have family that's good enough to take on my doggie and take good care of him . and I'm grateful I have that".
Not realistic on my part that would be a response I suppose.
Now I don't even try to justify/converse .. I simply respond: "yea it's tough" and try to change the subject and move on along. I don't go to see her very much .. yesterday I accompanied DH there . .and I had to wonder, . what do they talk about when I'm not here . because DH sat there like a lump . dozing off some . and any convo . seemed to be between me and she.
Now are you still emailing your father for updates?
Hoping you are having a restful weekend!
But yes, it seems like SIL, DD, and DH will figure out and handle these things as they will, which is great. They appear to have the message that you are out out out.
I had to replace some clothing items with more appropriate apparel along the way for my mom. In fact, I was requested to bring these things by the staff, not by my mom. Easier night apparel, easier everyday outfits, a warm cardigan sweater... and in particular, I was requested to get some slip-on shoes with a good walking sole in a larger size. It had become way too much of a chore for staff to get her sneakers on her, and both her slippers or just wearing socks were fall hazards. PT taught her how to get her shoes on without help, and provided a long shoehorn. Possibly it was the staff that wanted these new things for MIL and not MIL herself. (from her confused state, I doubt that she could think enough to even request new slip-on shoes.)
I think saying "Yeah - it's tough" is the best answer to her laments, just like you did. Maybe add "Getting old is tough. We all have this to look forward to, if we are lucky enough to make it that far, like you! Many don't." ;-)
So whatever. I don't know, . .confusion and snafu with rx's .. to be expected.
But that was the last communication on behalf of my dad. So no, not routinely in touch w/him. I have backed out of that scene also in larger measure (sans the upcoming doc appts that I did agree to facilitate as to transport). I'm going on the assumption <particularly since they've always been such private/secretive sorts> that all is well on their end. I know there was to be a c'giver at night. This .. much push back from K . who doesn't thinks he needs it .. pushing back at my dad. My dad .. wanting the assurance that nights aren't a bunch of hullabaloo in her Sundowner's (undx'd btw).
That is, very much, for the two of them to squabble over, or not. I'm out of that debacle.
Day hours . there was to be a c'giver on site a few times a week for day hours, for light housekeeping, cooking, errands, .. laundry .. that sorta thing. Whether that is occurring or isn't .. I really don't know. See above, . they've always been so very secretive and private . and I've always had a firm place on the periphery of their lives (and I didn't mind that spot either, btw). So, I'm going on the assumption all is rocking along smoothly at their address. Haven't heard anything to the contrary . but I'm also not bugging them by calling to ask.
As to MIL, . it is really really stark to me, .. how different of planets myself and DH are on with it all.
For instance .. (nice gesture I suppose) ............. he brings her nice fresh cut flowers weekly.
To me, .. I guess ...... a nice gesture ......... but also drips of ....... sympathy and pity . which he very very much feels in her case.
It's almost a topic he and I can't really delve into a whole lot .. her plight. Best left unsaid, most of the time. He does .. get a belly full of her whining and . more to the point . her DENIAL of aging .......... w/the whole "I've lost everything" . that piece, he's so tired of hearing ........... her "This isn't me, this isn't what I'm about" .......... "I wasn't going to get old, this wasn't going to happen to me".
He gets very weary of it .. (much like me).
BUT ..........
A big difference in how each feels. He feels so very sorry for her, . .wishes that she could've gone to meet her maker from her bedroom in her home . what she'd of much preferred over the present setting. He feels so so very sorry for her plight.
It's palpable with him, the sorrow and almost a sense of remorse (what he has to feel sorry about, I don't know, he can't wave a magic wand and restore youth .. to her or anyone else).
Myself: I find it all rather annoying ...
I know on some level .. I'm intuitive enough to know ......... *just you wait Dorker, you better be exhibiting some empathy . and realize . you too will feel this way one day if you live long enough*. I know that . logically .. very much I do.
But it's harder for me. I just .. I'm not of the ilk to do what I wanna do, which would be a bunch o' *OH COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You've lost everything! COME ON WITH THAT ..
YOUR HOUSE that you reverse mortgaged that you've LOST NOW .............. it afforded you the ability . with all of us jumping like trained mice through a maze .. to STAY IN THAT HOME ................ a NUMBER OF YEARS PAST WHAT SHOULD'VE BEEN THE CASE ............... You've lost precious Poochy ..... well guess what the last few years you were no longer able to care for Poochy .......... that was the trained mice running the maze .. doing that for you, as well as everything else .... come on .............. get over it with all the "This isn't me", "I've lost everything" .. get over it! You are now safe ......... you have someone to bring meals to you, to help you to toilet, shower, .. change clothes ........... if you'll ask . and wait your turn that is ......... someone to bring your meds, attend to your medical issues ............ the way I see it .......... you're a HELLUVA lot better off now than you were .... ENOUGH ALREADY!".
That's about how I see it, and would like to respond with just about that sentiment. But I don't . and I don't go see her as much as I had thought would be the case, . probably in part, for that very reason. I don't have the empathy that DH has . eaten up with it ... I just don't.
Burnout .. not my mom ........... maybe just not all that empathetic anyway .. through and through .. with much of anyone or anything .. who knows.
I find it's hard ..
As I said, it's a topic that .. mostly .. DH and myself do not see eye to eye. I have said my piece about how I feel .. "she is cared for, maybe not as attentively as she'd like . but h377 she'd have to have a staff at her beckon call to serve her to meet her needs as promptly as she expects, . and in her house . not in institutional like. I just don't feel it .. the sorrow and empathy".
I've said it . but I don't hang there in that space .. and lament that with DH, as that's not how he feels.
As I said, he gets a belly full of it all himself ... but .. in the end, feels far more sorrow at his mom's sadness and plight than I'm able to.
comfort of their own bed and in their sleep. Isn’t that the way we’d all prefer to leave this realm?
Instead, mil is passing sloooowly. Piece by piece and little bits at a time. It’s brutal to witness and worse being the individual actually experiencing it.
BUT... hello? This terrible end is so very common. Mil is no more special than the thousands - probably hundreds of thousands around the world - going through this plight at this very moment.
While it’s tempting to yell at dh “Buck up, sonny boy”, I’m in agreement that it’s best left unsaid.
I remember feeling that way after bending over backwards to make sure mom had everything she needed, do something nice for her, buy her a nice gift, etc., only to be met with complaints about her life and more tasks for the long to-do list rather than a "thank you". When she was in the hospital, the facility staff sent her flowers, a very pretty bouquet, and when I told mom that I thought that a nice gesture, she complained that they aggravated her allergies so she had to have the nurses take them away. I get the allergy part, but there was no appreciation for the thought/gesture, just seeming annoyance.
It was stuff like that that made it hard for me to empathize at times too. I think some just have a hard time accepting their situation in facility living, especially when in the past they've had children or family jumping through hoops. It does get to be like a broken record sometimes. I just had to remind myself (repeatedly) that mom's brain was broken.
She truly doesn't express anything of the sort. Does she comment on the flowers? Yes, she does .. she likes them .. but then soon the complaints start, flowers are forgotten.
I guess it's sort of the same thing as exhibited by K, when I had brought dad home from Rehab. We'd been discussing . her daughter brought it up .. that when she was hospitalized . as well as my dad, .. that DD had actually gone by there to pick up mail (at my direction, I'd been too busy to be doing so) .. and she'd cranked the cars for them (though in retrospect, we should've left the batteries to die . neither of them needs to be driving).
I guess stepsis was expressing about DD having taken the time to do this .. and K . .. all she could do was harp on about
"Well that wasn't necessary .. I mean .. we'd just bought a new battery for his car, it would've likely been okay".
Stepsis: "Well, .. it was nice of her to do so, RIGHT MOM?!?!?!??!".
Sorta the same thing. ... instead of just a gracious thank you .. just pushback and argument . ..
Broken brains.
It's astounding to me, . just how much time is lost on MIL. She'd called DH tonight .. just to chat .. and was talking of a visit from church lady "today".
We'd been there yesterday to visit MIL and she talked of church lady having come yesterday ...
<Church lady had been there earlier in the day yesterday, Saturday>.
She was talking as if church lady had come the day before, which would've been Friday .. no . she'd been there earlier that same day .. we covered that with her, .. "No . she was here earlier today".
Then tonight, . she mentioned to DH that church lady had been there today.
No .. church lady was there yesterday . Saturday ..
Time is so lost on her.
I'm guessing as that gets worse and worse, one doesn't even correct anymore . it doesn't matter anyway .. when the church lady came . just acknowledge she'd come and agree that it was nice of her to visit and move along ..
First off, . looks like atty office has sent an invoice for services over and above that which was originally contracted as to SW w/their firm. Listed, .. all thru the contracted time .. and each item lined out .. and so forth. Mostly, a LOT of emails back and forthing between SIL and SW .. as to the goings on with it all.
Kinda goes to my point in all this . SIL with all her hamster wheel running .. and it continues .. to this day .. only it's now seen .. also ... in the fact, she shoots off emails to the SW .. and questions this or that, and the other thing .. and what should we do about ____________ but what if ______ and so on. I'm guessing she's probably a billable business' dream client .. "yes yes, of course, keep asking questions, we'll bill you at the rate of $X per hour and happily do so".
I guess there is some consternation .. that once again, . we will need to be forking over $'s to the atty office (to the SW in fact) .. as she continues to work the thing . at billable hours.
One of the things she is billing for .. I kinda look at it and think .. "oh come on SIL!". I guess SIL had questioned the SW as to moving MIL .. at a future date .. to "We are Family" .. and what that might look like price-wise .. and so forth.
SW went to work, talking to the powers that be, .. at We are Family .. and got a pricing spreadsheet out and did a comparison .. and sent it accordingly to SIL.
Invoiced accordingly for her services.
Well there ya go! DH's approach to the above .. MIL isn't going anywhere anytime soon .. she can't even walk .. she is in a wheelchair . she has the best of all worlds where she is right now, in that she has a room mate (one she never wanted, . wants a private room) ... that is the best of all, in that . she's never there .. she leaves in the AM and doesn't return to the room until after dark . to go to bed .. gives MIL . essentially a private room. May not be the case, when she lands at We are Family . if ever. But yes, SIL knock yourself out and spend your mom's little bit of $ left .. questioning all aspects as you run the hamster wheel in trying to make your mom "happy" .. a feat that will be impossible to accomplish but by all means . have the SW put it all together for ya . .and then send a bill . and keep spending what little $ your mom had left .. running that hamster wheel.
I stay out of it. I kinda agree with DH . that MIL needs to stay put . and in the end, We are Family . is no different a setting than where she is presently .. sans it is smaller . not as much population. But the same slumpers MIL so detests .. abound We are Family .. it's essentially the same setting, . so moving her achieves what? But .... not my biz . I stay out of it.
Annoying though . but ya have to look at it . as kinda poetic justice. Ok, SIL now get your nose out of joint because SW sends a bill .. because you asked her input as to pricing out, and comparisons .. as to the two different settings. These people work by billable hour .. I know that biz . we do too .. we don't eat if we don't "bill/invoice" for our time. That's how it works. You want their expertise .. then pay for it.
And also .. it seems there is a move afoot .. don't know .. in DD . maybe born of her own initiative . maybe prompted by SIL . I don't really know and it doesn't really matter where it originates ..
But seems that MIL and doc appts .. depending on MIl as to the deets of said setting is a lost cause. Her broken brain .... so much gets not attended to.
MIL carted last week by facility . .and minder in tow .. all alone, to an eye appt, .. and after the fact, .. sounds like SIL had to do some serious dialing down as to the details of said visit . as MIL wasn't able to articulate accurately what was done/not done .. and so . depending on her .. is fruitless.
So it seems now .. there is .. coming from wherever it comes
wherever it originates . who knows . that MIL should have someone there to meet her when transported by facility (minder along also, but I'm guessing the minder's job is not to dial down on what goes on and doesn't . don't really know). But .. so now there is initiative that MIL should be met at doc visits .. by DD.
So I get the following text from DD the other day: "Would you be able to watch my kids so I can go to granny's appt with her hip doc on Tuesday".
Me: "I have to take my dad to a pulmonary visit . so no I can't".
Story it goes . after that . is that she'll go and take her 3 kids and go meet the transport van there . w/minder along . to go deal with the details of said visit today to the hip doc.
Seems there is concern on SIL's part .. (this I hear from SIL) . as it's imperative the hip doc write an order for more PT . the PT order in existence is set to expire next week . also imperative that the hip doc deal with . whether or not to inject steroid into the formerly painful knees. MIL used to, when she was ambulatory . go to ortho doc every 3 months for steroid knee injections . but she hasn't been ambulatory for a few months now .. only on a walker for stints in PT . otherwise in the wheelchair, . doesn't complain of knee pain at present .. but I guess . that hamster wheel ever spinning . that needs addressing.
I don't guess "minders" that accompany . address these minutia . and so depending on MIL to do so . is hopeless . her broken brain.
The last I'd heard, SIL had put in a call to hip doc . and mentioned the above as points she wants covered .. and had also mentioned it to the woman at Purgatory . that facilitates getting transport and minder lined up. SIL even followed up with that woman at Purgatory . and .. said the woman sounded annoyed with her .. and said to her in a snippy tone, "You already told us, and we've noted it".
Gee, go figure, SIL annoying.
But my guess now it's thought . that if all else fails as above .. as to the minder, and or calling the doc office .. then lets have DD go meet transport van there.
I don't know if this is DD initiating this . or if it's SIL prompting it . and it doesn't matter .. DD is an adult who can make her own decisions as to what she does with her time and energy/efforts. Don't have a problem with that end of it.
What I do have a problem with is . what someone else pointed out in all of this previously .. that MIL needs to be in a MC .. and in that setting . they would be better addressing the fact she doesn't have her marbles .. it's all assumed, since she is not . that she has her marbles in a row ..
But no . let's don't get that addressed .. but yes, let's make sure those knee injections are done .. knee injections she doesn't even need. Run that hamster wheel ever harder.
But more to the point . my annoyance arrives in the fact that I would be asked to .. trade one responsibility for another. I do enjoy my g'children .. tho . not as much these days, as the twins approach every aspect of being terribly two and tantruming regularly now days ... there aren't the pleasure they once were ..
I don't care to watch any scenario . and have been on guard for just that . to where DD now steps in where Dorker stepped out . as to MIL need .. only Dorker now steps up to take on DD's job .. to allow that DD step to what Dorker used to do.
Not interested in any of that set up. No thanks.
Not going to argue and/or be a part of any drama with it all . but I don't agree ..
If the thinking is that MIL needs someone there in attendance as to the details and cannot see to those things .. (and that's accurate) .. then she needs someone along that can attend to those things . a paid c'giver . or it needs to FINALLY GET ON THE DAMN TABLE that her brain is broken . and so . her treatment .. fit that bill . and her setting .. fit that bill.
But no .. I'm not interested and have been on the lookout for it . and
and here it is ....
DD now stepping more into what it is that Dorker used to do .. and .. being asked to watch g'kids so that DD can step to what Dorker used to do.
Nope.
The whole beauty of being a g'ma is enjoying them at my leisure . not at a daycare type situation where it's expected that I do thus and so as to pulling up the rear as to the responsibility for their care.
I love them .. but they are not very pleasant these days .. they are terribly two . both of them, whiney .. crying, tantrums . a lot of the time.
So I guess DD is setting about today to go meet transport van with MIL in tow .. and her and the kids will act as minder to the details of said setting . to make sure the "i's" are dotted and the T's are crossed. So be it.
Not sure how attentive DD will actually be able to be with 3 kids in tow . but knock yourself out.
It's just annoying .. it all is. I don't see why . but I never have . my no nonsense approaches of logic . don't get applied .. but they never have. Nothing changes.
I think some of us figured that if DD got roped into stepandfetching, you would be expected to provide child care. You seemed to do a lot of babysitting before, so I can sort of see why she expected you would continue. Didn't you just watch the twins for a weekend so DD, her H and their older daughter could go away for the weekend? You had a good reason to refuse this time, because your time was already spoken for. But what about if that isn't the case? The more DD does, the more SIL will expect her to do and the more YOU will be expected to babysit, so good for you for putting the brakes on early!
Is SIL really expecting that MIL will transition to another facility?
Does anyone really expect that MIL will not need the wheelchair at some point?
EVERYTHING is recorded. I've been doing the cancer dance and I have started a notebook with a copy of every test, dx. prognosis, EVERYTHING so far, from the initial visit with my PCP 3 weeks ago.
My brain is mush--a lot of drugs have gone through me and last night (trying to not let the massive dose of prednisone make me koo-koo) I tried to do a counted cross stitch little project. Looked at it this am and realized I have to pick all the stitching from last night out and re-do most of it. I THOUGHT I was pretty aware, turned out that having someone with you when you get put to sleep is pretty important. I could not remember a single thing they told me about after care. So today, I referred to the notes and found out I'd already screwed up a couple things. Dh had the notes, he just never looked at them :)
When someone accompanies an elder to a Dr. visit, they should A: be on the contact list!! and B: make the effort to get a copy of the visit's results. Often it's just one page. Sometimes it's 10.
DD isn't going to have a clue at that visit--and the CG from the NH should know he/she should be bringing back tx notes for each and every patient. Are there several people going or just one? Sounds like it could be a logistical nightmare.
Poor SIL- only thing worse than running the circus from the actual sidelines is running it from far away.
My Dh has been 'caring' for me since I got the cancer DX. He sleeps, and sleeps and sleeps. He just...can't. I feel sorry for him. I came home from a biopsy to remove the largest lymph node in my neck (went in at 6 am, we were HOME by 10:30) He went to bed and didn't get up until dinner and then right back to bed. He is very caring, but he cannot do drama of ANY kind.
After what I have been going through with him, I UNDERSTAND Sil to a degree. He cannot, and never will say that I have cancer, even though, yesterday, pre-op, the doc was saying he was going after the most aggressive cancerous nodes, to which DH replied, "But we don't KNOW that it's cancer, right?". Dr looked at him and said "We don't like to use the word cancer--don't want to give it power, but yes, your wife has cancer."
He won't tell anyone and he won't really help me--he is so frozen in fear.
I wouldn't know what was worse--this total hands off approach or the hamster wheel running.
Hang tight--this dynamic cannot possibly last much longer, in the great scheme of things.
Yeah. They’ll bill you into the ground.
Back after I married dh - he wanted to adopt Rainman. The man is a frickin’ saint - if I haven’t mentioned that lately. I’m very lucky.
Anyhoo - because we had to track down The Donor - in Australia of all gigantic countries - so that The Donor could relinquish his parental rights legally - things took FOREVER. I would call every few weeks for a status report. The whole phone call would take about three minutes. However- they billed in quarter hour minimums. Add that in to all the other billable minute details and it was a humongous amount of money. As I hadn’t had a lot of experience dealing with attorneys I had no idea that they would bill me 15 minutes to say “No, Rainmom - your attorney isn’t in today” I nearly fainted when I opened the final bill.
But, you are right. They will bill for EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.
Did I mention EVERYTHING?
I am aware of that from some biz dealings with attorneys a few years back. Maybe not everyone is keenly aware of that fact.
I remember when the attorney office made it plain to us that the original retainer of fee forked over, is now eaten up .. and had the invoicing (line item'd out) to prove it . and now would need an add'l retainer of $2500 ... this was a month or so ago. SIL was really taken back. It was all right there .. line item by line item . what they'd done to burn up that original $ paid to them, all right there in black and white, none of it up for dispute. I remember SIL saying .. "I don't know, .. I guess I'd thought emailing them . maybe they didn't charge just to answer emails".
No SIL, they charge for e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. That's how it works, phone calls, sit down face to face meetings, emails, e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g .. and even matters that you weren't involved in requiring they make phone calls and/or attend to things that didn't need your presence, you get charged for that too! That's how it works.
So now the SW sends out an invoice . .and of course . line item'd out as to what all she's done .. and so now her dollars allocated are also spent .. and so she needs more $ if we're gonna continue to call upon her.
Yes, .. to me .. I wouldn't of been bothering the SW with questions as to "We are Family". That is .. at least IMO . so far off the radar that it doesn't even need consideration at all. Other than we know that MIL is woefully unhappy where she is. That is a given. But what the reality is, is this.
She's NOT GONNA BE HAPPY anywhere .........................so quit trying to find that Utopia that doesn't exist.
See, the thing is this .. somewhere along the way MIL was told that she'd 'be moved from POSH (which she was) and to Purgatory and there, awaiting this Medicaid Pending status . and would get her PT there.
MIL . in her dementia state such that it is .. latched onto that latter part, .. "getting her PT there".
She somehow latched onto that specific part of what was said, . and has taken it to the bank and then some. "There for PT". So . .she sees herself as there for PT . and when she can walk again (if that happens) .. somehow that equates to in her own mind . that there is a Utopia awaiting .. that isn't "this God Forsaken Place".
That's what is ongoing with the whole thing. The mindset of it all. She . somehow thinks that when she gets thru her PT there, an is walking again (on a walker) ... that somehow she can get out of there. At least she doesn't question any longer .. "going home". Wishes yes, . .but doesn't seem to have that as a foremost goal .. and unrealistic expectation.
I think she thinks she will go from Purgatory (where she presently resides, "THIS GODFORSAKEN PLACE") ........... she will go to an ALF ... rather than where she is, a SNF.
An ALF (more importantly) that is ....... a beautiful place with lovely scenery and expensive pictures mounted on the walls with warm inviting fireplaces and comfy furniture .. so nicely decorated. And all who reside there .. are functional (including herself).
Not the case, of course.
Why hasn't the BOOM been lowered on what the reality is?
I dunno.
The reality is that she .. if she ever walks again .. and that remains to be seen .. she will either stay put in that "GOD FORSAKEN PLACE" ............... or be moved as Utopia is sought out . by the hamster wheel runner in chief ...
And we all know Utopia doesn't exist .. even if one has $ .. and she certainly does not .. she is Medicaid . and so finding Utopia .. is not gonna be in the realm of anything realistic.
That was the whole premise for why SIL reached out to SW .. on questions as to "We are Family" and that site/setting.
Don't let good common sense get in the way though, . of course not. Let's throw everything that makes no sense at the wall and see what sticks.
"We are Family" is a setting that is closer geographically to DH and myself . that much is true (though where MIL is presently isn't all that far either).
It is in the end, an ALF . but .. how that label applies to what is viewed there, .. I'm not sure. The same slumpers abound, the same bed bound, .. are there .. the same thing . only a smaller population. As in, where she is presently there is probably a population of 150 or so give or take. We are Family .. I don't know for certain but I'd bet there are probably no more than maybe 50/70 residents at the most. Smaller.
But the same thing . and We are Family .. biggie IMO . has no on site PT ..
Where MIL is presently does.
We are Family is classified as ALF . .and so .. as such . in the state of FL . that means a waiver of $1100 is paid towards her care .. as opposed to what is paid in SNF . which is higher. That alone, would cause me to nix any thought of "We are Family" . as to a goal for all this.
But no . let's don't apply good common sense. N.E.V.E.R., why do that.
I don't even know how these things go .. and I don't care to do a deep dive to understand it all. But how "We are Family" carries an ALF label .. as to what they are .. and .. yet what is seen there . is exactly the same as what is seen at Purgatory as to the population. I don't get it. But I don't care to sort thru and devote the energy to understand it all.
This is where SIL went with the latest w/the SW. The SW took the bull by the horns, made the appropriate phone calls of inquiry and listed out for SIL, Excel spreadsheet and all, ... a cost comparison . and asked SIL the pertinent questions as to what her goals are as to her mom's setting and when, etc.
And then promptly added her billable time for same to her allotted time.
Waste of time and $ if you ask MO. But I'm not of the ilk to have a scene whereby MIL believes that she will somehow get out of that GODFORSAKEN PLACE . and go to some Utopia she thinks exists.
I don't happen to think the place is a "GODFORSAKEN PLACE".
As DH and myself both observe of Purgatory .. yes .. indeed she waits longer than she'd prefer when asking for help (but that's gonna be the case anywhere she lands, Utopia doesn't exist) .. not even at "We are Family" . would be my bet. But where she is presently in Purgatory . .she has .. for all practical purposes . a private room, she so covets . in the fact that Chatty Cathy departs at morning light and sits outside at her coloring station .. or she goes to the various programs throughout the day . point being .. MIL has no miserable room mate to contend with. That could change for MUCH MUCH worse .. and then what?
"Oh gee, we should've had her stay where she was, .. at least she didn't have a miserable horrible room mate all day every day . now she's got this horrible room mate . that moans and groans and vomits and craps .. and never shuts up . and all day long".
It's all so annoying, being a realist . and dealing with unrealistic people.
But that's how this whole thing with the SW appeared on the radar .. SIL having reached out as to moving MIL . to a Utopia that MIL thinks is waiting in the wings. It isn't.
And ...
I don't even know what happened today .. I was off with my dad at his appt . and out of the loop as to all things MIL.
BUT .. I get at text (several in fact, that have gone unanswered to), went about like this:
SIL: CHIT! Transport never showed up for mom so she couldn't make it to todays' scheduled appt . it's been rescheduled for Thursday .. and I EVEN CALLED the woman yesterday at Purgatory to confirm that all was set up and ready to go .. and she said it was .. poor mom . she got up early and got herself dressed, barely had time to even eat any b'fast ..
Went and sat out with the slumpers waiting and waiting and waiting .. said they were scrambling trying to find someone as escort .. waited and waited . and finally she wheeled herself over to the desk to ask what was the hold up and that's when she was told .. the appt has been rescheduled, no transport today and no escort. Poor mom. Glad DD didn't drag all her kids there and wait for mom".
I don't know what happened that things got all fouled up with it all. But maybe that woman that facilitates such things .. that SIL has stayed after . as to confirming every minute detail . maybe she dropped the ball on purpose .. just to pizz SIL off .. it'd be tempting.
Who knows.
And I don't know what it is that DD wasn't there. Maybe DD begged off being a part of the scene in the end, knowing she'd have 3 kids in tow, if she went, no coverage for baby sitting the kids for her to step to MIL doc visits. I don't really know, haven't asked.
And yes, it was DD who not long ago was lecturing me that I'd let relationships g sour in my approach to it all. It was also DD who watched me, . all along the way in the travels of c'giver to all things MIL for umpteen years . ultimately burn out to the point that I couldn't care anymore, and .. the victim of some pretty harsh treatment .. and .. questioned me as to why I even respond to SIL and all her whims as to her mom's care.
Yes that same DD . now stepping into the fray all things MIL .. and doing so ..
Who knows . her own initiative .. SIL unable to get Dorker to the front lines . and certainly not her brother . plying another hapless volunteer. Who knows.
DD is an adult and can certainly speak up for herself .. or not, her choice. She hasn't complained .. in fact, when she noted she'd be going there Sunday to do MIL's hair and I suggested there is a salon for such things . she said then . DD did . that she doesn't mind doing it. Good ..
If DD is so inclined to step to all things MIL . all the better I suppose.
The only problem that I have with it, is that I don't intend to be stand in daycare for her to step to that need.
Yes, I have spent a lot of time watching my g'kids, enjoying them and I want that to continue, but there is a big caveat to that set up .. it's when I WANT TO ENJOY THEM . not because .. they are brought to me on any routine basis .. because there is need on MIL front . and so DD now stepping to that beat on any kinda routine basis . . no thanks.
More to the point, the twinsies .. they are now approaching 2 yo . and they are every bit the miserable terrible two's . both of them, .. whiney . and tantrums on the regular. They aren't the former fun babies .. not as much so . not these days. They are tantrums galore now days . and unreasonable typical 2 yo's. I know this too shall pass .. had my own 2 yo's at one time .. and had the other g'daughter who was 2 at one time . it will pass. But it's not a time I enjoy in child development. So .. as g'ma . I get to pick and choose what time I spend with them .. and I intend to do it just like that.
I wouldn't sign on for daycare if .. let's say DD said, "Hey ma .. I got a job .. I start work on such and such date, . will you watch the kids for me?".
The answer would be no. I don't want the responsibility of pre school kids .. and lugging them around with me .. and the things I do daily . it's not something I would sign on for.
The same as I don't intend to be stand in daycare as to her stepping now to more and more as to the MIL front. Wanna take your kids with ya .. to go see about MIl .. go for it, your life. But don't be looking to me, as any kind of routine back up to that scene.