I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Refresh my memory.
The “We Are Family Place”. This is labeled ALF even though they say they keep residents until the “end”.
AND because of the ALF labeling, technically, SOMEBODY (DH and SIL) would have to come up with a big out of pocket($$$) each month because Medicaid only does a waiver on ALFs, Medicaid does not cover the total cost of care for the month.
Am I confused? Have I forgotten? Have DH and SIL agreed to pony up that amount each month? If not WHY is SIL still pursuing “We are Family?
The way the SW priced it all out in the spreadsheet which SIL then sent a copy to both me and DH ...
The SW had it all priced out in comparison.
Let's say that MIL wants to go to "We are Family" which is an ALF as it's label. Then the costing will be different, as the state of FL pays a stipend in the form of a waiver as to ALF settings, vs what they pay in a SNF setting. And . she also included in that costing .. that MIL would need the VA Aids & Attendants stipend she'd be entitled to, . in order to afford it. That . comes to some sum of like $1200 if fully paid . monthly.
So . in the end .. MIL . based on her SS income, and her little small pension she gets .. as well as what is paid in the form of Medicaid Waiver towards it .. and the VA A&A (though it's been disputed that VA A&A will be allowable, if Mediaid is paying .. their monthly $1100 .. can't double dip it's been said, but not resolved once and for all).
If MIL were to get her
SS income
Her small pension
Her Medicaid ALF waiver
..and VA A&A
She would be able to afford to go to ALF .. and the only difference is she'd have a much smaller allowance left each month for personal expenses .. and .. it's been said that her drugs would have to come out of pocket by family.
This basically outlines what SW came up with and put in spreadsheet for SIL.
I don't know that MIL will qualify for VA A&A .. as well as that monthly waiver . that's double dipping and it won't be allowable . I don't think .. but this is a SW that is paid by an atty office, on their staff .. I wouldn't think she'd be pricing it out according to that . and not be knowledgeable that in fact it's not gonna work that way and so we're gonna end up with a monthly shortfall .. because in the end, we'd be told, "oh wait . she's already getting X dollars a month in Medicaid waiver . she can't have both that and VA A&A ... doesn't work that way".
SW would have egg all over her face to have presented in that manner, only in the end, for us to find out .. she isn't worth her salt to have presented it that it is indeed doable ... dependent upon the above to pay for it all.
And yes, I have used that argument with SIL .. "I dont' think you can have both SIL .. I think if she's gonna get a Medicaid Waiver . to help offset the cost of ALF . that disqualifies her from VA A&A .. can't double dip".
That gets met with: That's not what the SW said.
Oookay.
So . yes it is the same place, "We hang onto our residents".
has the social worker run the numbers to see if MIL qualifies for aid & attendance? Just like Medicaid, it’s income based. I think $1860 is the current income limit for A& A.
It really was bad that Purgatory couldn't get the transport squared away.
How did your father's appointment go today? How were things at the house when you picked him up and then dropped him off later? Was a caregiver there? How was K?
I could spend the time and dial down on it, and provide the links to SIL .. "See SIL . .look .. I keep telling you MIL can't do both . and that SW is billing us for all this and she's wrong . in the end, she won't get both a Medicaid Waiver and VA A&A .. it won't work that way, here's the link".
I just don't care to get that involved. And argue the points. I've spent far too many man hours .. arguing with these people about issues that I have zero power to control any damn way.
That .. sets the stage for more drama than I want.
I will just take it as it comes .. I happen to know that .. there is now a reschedule of Thursday for today's hip doc appt . .and I also happen to know that I am not available on Thursday either. So be it.
If I get asked, "hey ma . I didn't go to that hip doc appt with granny the other day it was just gonna be too difficult dragging 3 kids along . so I bowed out, but in the end, it didn't happen . some problem with transport and no escort, so they rescheduled it to Thursday . can you watch the kids for me on Thursday so that I can go and meet the transport van there and see to that appt for granny".
Answer will be: "No I have plans for that day, sorry can't help you".
In the end, . I don't care if she wants to help her granny every minute of every day .. (though that would surprise me, she saw what I endured ........... or seemed to see it) .......... If that's what she wants to do, that's spendid .. go for it.
But I don't wanna be the stand in daycare to that as any set up . not with two 2 yo's that are wholly unreasonable and demanding these days. They just are miserable humans at this stage in their lives .. a lot of the time . and not a real joy to be around.
as I read the latest updates, I keep thinking, if you were to involve yourself in any of this, it would be to strongly encourage SIL to hire MIL a personal attendant-someone looking to earn some extra money by working a few hours a week stepping & fetching and accompanying MIL to the doctor. I think it’s admirable DD is stepping in to the role somewhat but......at the expense of what? And who? She’s a working mother. Her children will only be this little once. Is it really worth missing time out of their childhoods? Is it worth the stress of hauling 3 kids to MILs doctors appointment, wrangling them and keeping them quiet while trying to listen to the doctor and make sure SILs requests are taken care of? And you.....it is, as you said not fair to you. Sure it’s time spent with your grandchildren but they are at a difficult age and the more DD gets involved with the steppin & fetching the more she will need you to watch the kids. Maybe I’m off base, maybe I’ve got a broken brain, maybe I’m cold heart and mean spirited but.....is anyone but you thinking of anyone but your MIL? No ones life has to be centered around her anymore. There’s no reason why things can’t get done when they get done. No one needs to rush over to do MILs hair and buy her new pajamas. If pajamas are that much a necessity than SIL can order them and have them delivered to the nursing home.
if you agree watch the kids while DD runs in circles trying to make granny happy, all you are doing is enabling the 3 of them-DD, SIL and MIL.
I know SIL's capabilities at hamster wheel running . I know it all too well .. and by damn DD should too, she saw me running it right along side SIL .. and her whims far too long .. and I thought sympathized with what she witnessed.
For me to step foot into this fray . is to fall into the rabbit hole of rabbit holes . and find myself daily . watching 3 kids who (I'm sorry but two of those 3 kids . right now, are not pleasant humans to be around for long) .. watching the 3 of them daily for hours and hours as DD then goes to try to satisfy the whims of MIL and SIL.
I think . as someone else defined it .. it's probably a helluva lot easier to run to the beat of the MIl/SIL hamster wheel than it is to corral and keep safe and happy 3 kids ..
I'm betting that is at least part of it for DD.
MIL needs lotion .. oh sure .. I'll run go get it and haul it to her . oh and while I'm out it's been a while since she's had any of that good chicken salad she so likes from that restaurant . let me go grab some of that and we'll go enjoy a lovely picnic outside.
Oh wait . I was just there yesterday but now it seems they need someone to sort thru why she didn't get her bath yesterday .. I need to run by there and check on that, and talk to the staff . maybe I can give her a bath .. oh and she needs X Y and Z too .. I'll take care of that .. "Mom can you watch my kids for me, .. Granny needs X, Y and Z".
The way I see it, .. MIL is in a facility for her needs/care because that is what is needed in her case. She cannot care for herself .. that is established . and a fact .. and so she needs round the clock staff as to her needs .. fine and good.
So she needs a special lotion . okay well DH goes every few days . he can certainly grab some for her .. oh she hasn't had her favorite chicken salad in a while . that's great . yea go do that . oh wait . she didn't get a bath . .that's up to staff to get that ironed out . that's why she's there .. oh she needs X Y and Z .. the staff need to be addressing that .. oh wait . she can't keep it straight as to what's said and done at a doc office . well ya know . that's why . one of the many reasons . I didn't think it should be an option that she return to her beloved FL for placement . there isn't anyone here with as much free time to see to all these whims .. she should've been made to stay in IL where her daughter, who cares about all the ins and outs of these things . could then see to it .. but it wasn't to be ..
So be it.
But that doesn't mean that Dorker doesn't have the foresight to see where all this is ultimately gonna land .. and no . I'm not interested in opening a daycare .. so that the whims of SIL/MIL can be met.
Still curious -- how did it all go with your father today?
She is simply motivated to do for her poor frail g'ma, .. admirable for sure. And I don't fault her for that, at all. But .. I do spend plenty of time with her and the kids .. they are here generally .. every Sunday for a cookout/family dinner, .. almost without fail .. unless we have something else on the agenda, which is rare.
Usually a couple of times a week . .she is here with kids in tow . .just as a rule . .and I help her out .. a lot. I'm not a g'ma that sits idly by and watches her do it all, not when I'm around. If a kid needs/wants .. .I'm up and addressing it, when she's here with them. For the most part, I enjoy their presence here.
Then .. she sometimes needs me, outside of her presence here .. be that for a break .. or because one of the kids needs to go in one direction and the others need coverage .. and so I step in and fill that gap.
I am simply trying to limit the amount of time that I'm called upon, just that simple. I don't happen to think that . for instance .. going to do MIL's hair is a biggie . there is a salon to see to that. So DD prefers to do it for her, as a kind gesture . wondereful .. grand .. no problem with it. And thus far, . .. there hasn't been that particular child care duty thrust at me . she's done so on wknds when her hubby can cover for the kids .. but that would be just one instance of where I would find fault .. "Gee DD ... I really don't wanna cover for you and take care of your kids for you to do her hair .... that's something the salon can do .. and yea you can go visit her . but you don't have to do that for her weekly, then necessitating that I cover as to childcare".
That's just one instance, . there'd be many many many more ...
Doc visits .. today for instance, . it all fell apart, for reasons out of anyone's control . but I was asked by her to cover for babysitting for her to see to that chore. Again, I don't agree .. I think that if MIL's memory issues would be adequately addressed . it would be known that her marbles are all out of alignment and the fact she can't be counted on .. to gather pertinent info . .would be dealt with appropriately by all parties involved. I disagree that one of us should then set aside our time to see to same. The drama that would erupt . not worth it to me.
She has an appt next week . I debate the necessity of it. Want her seen by an Endocrinologist as to testing for Osteoporosis. What 90 yo probably doesn't have osteoporosis? Is that REALLY necessary? SIL is likely going to call upon DD again, as to that appt .. and of course, .. then the request will come my way: "Can you watch the kids so I can go meet granny at the transport to the doc for Osteoporosis?". No, .. I don't think that's all that pertinent .. I think it's more of SIL cooking up something that needs attending to . and she's frickin damn 90 yo .. what are they gonna do at this point. I disagree . no ..
In the end, . being a g'ma . to me . means I get to pick and choose what I am willing and not willing to do as to coverage for the g'kids. Right now, her two yo's aren't pleasant beings to have to look after. It will pass it always does . but it's not something I seek out . not right now .. to spend a lot of time around. I'm around them all already generally a few times a week . and to now have it hoisted upon me, as to MIL need . and so coverage for that in add'n to what is already transpiring. No. Just no.
And I know how it's all gone in the past. Dorker asserting what it is she "sees/feels" gets perceived as mean spirited and not in the best interest of what MIL wants/needs. I disagree.
I just don't wish to fight that drama. So no . no intent to be up front about the reasons why you'll see me bowing out of that chore to do list.
As to my dad and that visit today.
It all went well. The pulmonary doc wants him to have a PFT (Pulmonary Function Test) so that is upcoming . and I will be carting him for same. He is doing "better". He looks better . as does K.
The night shift c'giver has been relieved of duty . and the day c'giver comes Mon, Wed, Fri and Sat.
Seems K's nose was out of joint (when is it not). She was out of sorts, because Dorker (she's family now?) .......... was the one coming to retrieve him for the doc appt. K can't do it . but I guess that fact lost on her dependent upon her Dementia and it's flare ups .. at some times lucid, other times . not so much.
I guess the rub on that story is that is her "territory" . her "job" . to see to my dad.
I guess someone in their right mind might find gratitude for the fact there is someone caring enough to see to it. She's not in her right mind. So .. so be it.
So todays' visit to the pulmonary doc .. we kinda knew going in .. it's really sort of a waste of time . and nothing more than for them to tie up loose ends .. they'd been caring for him as part of his team while hospitalized . and so this was a follow up . just to check if he's experiencing any breathing problems . no . he reports he isn't .. do his lungs sound clear, . yes they do .. any congestion or post nasal drip ongoing . no . he reports none.
Really? In the end, I suppose one could've blown off this appt .. it was really only so the doc could tie up loose ends as to his care while hospitalized. And of course, . they want him to have that PFT . but other than that, there really was kinda no point in today's visit, in truth.
So . when we got back to the house.
K: "So what was the result of today's visit, it turned out to be just a bunch of b'sh&t right?".
Dad: "Yea kind of . it really was .. I mean .. there's nothing wrong .. so .. I mean they checked my lungs .. listened to them, my throat .. asked me a bunch of questions . they want me to have a PFT test (explained what that is) . and .. so .. really kind of yea .. a waste of time . but I guess .. had there been any problem it would've been good we did go . so .. I dunno".
K: Like I said, a big bunch of waste of time and bunch of b'sh&t".
Me: Well like he said, .. I guess had they found anything wrong . . like listening to his lungs or irritation in his throat or anything . then maybe it wouldn't of been .. so in the end, it's kinda okay it wasn't ALL a waste of time".
At that K kinda raised her voice annoyed with (so now she's family) me: "Well I'm so glad yo guys then didn't waste your time!". With raised hackles ..
Whatever.
Fast forward just bit later and the phone rings . it's the hospital system where he was hospitalized. Becomes evident him talking on the phone that there is someone calling wanting to line up some kind of test . this can be picked up by what is said by him . .I can't hear the caller, but I can hear what he's saying in response, as can K.
He hangs up and says the following: "That was to get me set up for PET scan . they want me to get that done before I see Dr. J next week (oncologist, though he didn't use the word oncologist) .. they wanna see if they can get that PET scan done before I go to next week's appt with Dr. J".
For all practical purposes . that would've likely flown right past K. She didn't seem to pick up on it . and was sitting right there listening to what was said. She didn't blurt out, PET SCAN FOR WHAT? She just listened . no response at all from her.
He then said the following out loud: "They want me to have PET scan to look at my lungs there is a suspicious mass there".
(((Said it out loud to her! HOORAY!)))
K: SH&T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All those years of smoking! Damnit, if you hadn't smoked for years and years you wouldn't of had all these problems that landed you in the hospital".
Me; "Well he actually had pnuemonia .. it wasn't the mass or anything . it was pneumonia"
Me (just for the sake of arguing with her): "Maybe so, but people who aren't smokers get pneumonia . it happens".
I was just pizzed ... bite back at me .. here I am trying to help . and bite at me . so I bit back with a stupid response .. but whatever.
After that I said my g'byes and I left.
Who knows, who cares . if she spun out of control at the news there is a suspicious mass (it's a little more known than that .. but okay if that's how he wants to frame it to start out).
I didn't ask him if he's reviewed the LTC policy there wasn't time. We got to the doc . which was actually only about a 10 min ride from his house . and the same when coming back . got to the doc .. no time at all before being called to the back, then the vitals taken, weight, etc . and the doc was there, then time to go.
I didn't ask him anything about LTC, M or D POA ..
I will wait until more is known on the cancer piece of all this . I think for some reason . the verdict there will resonate more with him as to the urgency . if urgent .. to the matters above.
After the nurse walked out . having handed those papers to SIL .. I said the following: "Osteoporosis? Are they kidding? They're kidding right? The woman is damn 90 years old .. probably any other 90 yo you can find has some level of Osteoporosis .. what the h377 can be done about it at her age, that's a waste of time .. a colossal waste of time . if it was me, that'd go in the trash can right there, . and never to be addressed .. at some point you have to draw the damn line on all of these visits to docs that are, in the end, useless".
SIL: "I don't know . the ortho doc mentioned it the other day that they want that looked at . they want to test whether or not she has brittle bones and maybe that's why she broke her hip".
Okay whatever. I didn't argue anymore.
Done arguing.
I just know that was months ago . .and this is the first I guess .. finally . that has been up on the radar again . and so appt scheduled, set for next week. SIL questioned again . in talking to me . whether it's necessary . and I only responded by changing the subject on purpose. I already said my piece on what my thoughts are, months back . don't care to go there again and debate the finite points of sending a 90 yo for that .. if you want to . go for it. I bowed out . changed the subject, . as I do often these days.
Medicaid covers memory care to my knowledge. They also usually have a doctor for the facility. People are trained to deal with this stuff. I swear, 80% of the problems of MIL would not be happening if her broken brain was recognized. She has dementia. It is a continuum, but she is fully on the train. I am sorry, but jeez. THAT doctor appointment (evaluation) is the most important one right now.
I haven’t read all of the updates, but the rescheduling of her Dr appt. Sheesh. Why does SIL assume that they didn’t tell MIL it was rescheduled? With MIL’s memory track record (my in-laws did this EXACT same thing), it isn’t a stretch to think she was told and forgot.
Maybe they didn't tell her, but it is more likely that they did. SIL needs to know FOR SURE before she starts getting upset with people.
By the way, that whole not knowing time of day/what day it was/total confusion after napping was another major dementia-related step down for both of my in-laws.
This is too funny:D
K is going to be one of THOSE old folks with dementia. The ones that become even more mean, nasty, ornery and disagreeable than they were when they were “in their right mind”.
My mom was one of THOSE old folks with dementia. And, all I can say is grow a thick(er) skin and batten down the hatches! It can get really ugly(er).
Ya know, from time to time - I read here on AC of the parent with dementia who turns from a previously unpleasant person in their pre-dementia life - into a perfectly lovely individual to be around - with dementia. Is that just an urban legend? A mythical unicorn? Cause that soooo wasn’t my experience... and it sounds like it ain’t gonna be Dorkers experience either.
What must it be like to sleep that deeply that you wake up completely unable to orient.
I cant imagine. Hope I never have to.
Yles Rainmom exactly what DH said about K. Grow some thick skin.
I did enjoy snipping back at her momentarily though.
I think you got your dad's message that he doesn't intend to look into the POA, estate or LTC policy issues for 6 months. So anything you agree to do from this point on is with the knowledge that he is indifferent to the mess he will be creating by not attending to these things. That is good that the caregiver is coming 4 days/week, and that K hasn't fired her yet!
Keep up the good work with your MIL boundaries!
I hate it. Because I do agree MIL isnt capable of seeing to the give and take in that setting and does indeed need someone attending to that.
But I'm also pretty sure shes not the only NH resident carted to doc appts and not capable of the give and take in that setting.
So, find out what's done as to other residents with that same issue and follow suit.
There's good reason burnout occurred in c'giving for MIL. All the need juxtaposed against available humans to address it, in the past.
None of that has changed.
So now DD is gunna step more into the role of seeing to granny details ...
Well DD whatcha gunna do with those 3 kiddos that are your primary responsibility so you can step to granny need?
As it is presently she generally goes to see her and kids in tow. The kids make a nice talking point there.
She even took her kids to visit while having gone to retrieve a small skinny nightstand with drawers to deliver that to MIL's NH room.
Wish I could have been a fly on the wall .. pushing a double stroller and somehow also lugging along a piece of furniture.
<incidentally.. this piece of furniture lugged there by DD ... has drawers and it was said she needs the space for her pj's. She has a dresser, provided by NH ... has two empty drawers ... but she needed that nightstand and its drawers lugged there. She has a nightstand provided by NH. Also has 2 empty drawers ... but she needed someone to go get that specific piece of furniture from her house and lug it in ... so she'd have somewhere to put her pj's>
It's that kinda thing I dont have patience for.
Yes DD let me watch your kids so you can go down a wild goose chase of a rabbit hole to bring her that nightstand for drawers she needs .. while she presently has 4 empty drawers available to use in furniture already on site.
The endless rabbit holes that get conjured up.
I remember them all too well. Not gunna trade wild goose chases down endless rabbit holes for childcare so someone else can now ride the same roller coaster of incessant superfluous need.
DD said, "I don't mind doing it, .. gives me some time to spend with her, makes her feel better when she looks better".
Okay.
I think, .. at least with the above .. and that specific scenario . .she's been able to go do MIL's hair a few times now . and always without kids in tow .. as her DH sees to the child coverage for her to go do so.
And she even remarked to MIL at one point while visiting her, "I think I'll just come here to chillax ... this is so relaxing here . .no kids tugging at me, and crying babies".
In the above instance, doing MIL's hair . it probably is a huge relief valve .. go there, .. help MIL feel better by doing her hair, kids are covered by her husband . and all is well.
But yes, there is a lot of stepnfetch that goes on as to the whole scene.
The little nightstand dresser thing one I thought a rabbit hole .. that I wouldn't of gone down.
The imploring by SIL .. to have her go thru the pj's there . and account for what is missing (if missing) and get that dialed down on .. the ordering of more pj's/clothes/shoes .. that's something SIL could've handled ..
This latest with a visit upcoming to test for Osteoporosis.
It's always something.
Some of it, indeed .. yes . has to be attended to .. for instance when it was reported by MIL that a staff member had man handled her and gone into a tirade. When MIL fell the other day .. (not injured, . not this time) . yes some of it does need attention.
But going to get another dresser when there are available drawers for her items .. not necessary. Moving her things from the closet (also another SIL prompt) where they are hung up by staff . that's how staff does it there, everything goes on hangars .. in the closet, everything .. they don't fold . they hang things up in the closet.
It was said (tried to prompt me, I ignored it after answering that I don't think it's a good plan) .. by SIL . that it's too hard for her to stand and retrieve her clothing from hangers in the closet .. she can't stand at the closet to do that . she needs her clothing folded and put into drawers where she can sit .. from he wheelchair, to retrieve it.
It's also been said, by staff there, ,. they don't want her changing clothes on her own . they want her to ask for assistance to change clothing. She's a fall risk. But she refuses to do so .. opting instead to do it herself .. because as she puts it, "it take them too long when I ask them to come help".
So w/that in mind, ... when it was prompted in my direction by SIL .. to go and take the hung up clothes and fold them and put them into dresser drawers to make them more accessible to MIL. My answer: "No, I don't like that as a plan, she's been told to ask for help to change clothes .. don't want her to have it easily accessible . she needs to not be able to access it .. that way she has to ask for help as she's been instructed to do".
But that didn't stop SIL . spinning her top . .she then began on DH . he too .. ignored it, didn't even justify why, just ignored it. Then started on DD .. and hounded her, til she did do it .. and brought the extra dresser even .. an extra dresser/nightstand that I would debate is not even needed.
Aha! I was right. She was going to (at least partially) become MIL's stepandfetchit to see her Granny, satisfy SIL, AND get a break from her kids. I predict her visits will decrease greatly to perhaps once a weekend when her H can take care of the kids, once she realizes you are not the free babysitter to enable her stepandfetching.
to just keep hm from badgering me about it every three
minutes. They just don’t have any concept of time. They could come a few minutes later and she would think it has been an hour since she called them, if indeed she called them at all. It’s quite a difficult journey with a loved one with
dementia.
I feel the need to clarify and elaborate. Least I imply that Dorker should become a childcare doormat.
The biggest qualifier that I was automatically assuming was - ONLY when you want to. I suppose, that for me at least - that little qualifier is ALWAYS a given, when it comes to doing anything for others - least of all, babysitting two, two yr old toddlers that didn’t come directly from your own womb. Not even directly by way of one generation in between. Directly.
Not that there aren’t times - in any aspect of life - that in order to maintain a standing in civilized society- that we have to do things we don’t really want to... but that does not need to include rabbit holes and plate spinning.
A test to see if a 90 year old woman has Osteoporosis?!? Ummm... I could diagnose that one and you can just mail me the co-pay cash. I’ll never forget when I took over managing my mothers medication and discovered that at age 84 my mother had an estrogen ring. Seriously? I was in the thrones of Menopause and I didn’t even have a frickin’ estrogen ring!
So much noise and nonsense, that is generated via SIL. With SIL 1000 miles away the noise is a whisper. There in Florida- the noise is enough to cause permanent hearing lose. I suppose all this nonsense makes sil feel better. SIL feels less guilty for her not being able to even stay in the same state with her mother - and she seems to think the noise and nonsense shows - proves - what a great daughter she is. But all it really proves is that she’s a hypocrite who has to lie to herself to be able to look at a mirror. Sil needs to quit trying to fix everyone else and work on fixing herself.
"Ocassional" to me that might look like every-other-week and a 2 hour stop and chit chat sorta set up.
But that hinges very much, at least as to my willing participation in above, on how much I've been called upon for other babysitting.
For instance
Monday she needs coverage while she runs some errands or attends to personal biz.
Tuesday, one of the kids needs a doc visit .. kids dropped off here.
Wednesday shes comes this way all 3 kids in tow to hang out at mom's.
Thursday comes and a "hey ma I'd like to drop by and see granny for a while, can you watch the kids"
Answer would be no. I'd of had enough of toddlerville for the week by then.
Or even let's say Thursday request and theres been no other Toddlerville for the week. But a request by DD to go that way to answer a bell I think is a waste of time and not necessary just more cooking up unnecessary step fetch. Answer would be no.
Not all that interested in being judge/jury as to all things MIL need/whim.... and being the Grand Poobah to decide that which I in my most mighty of selves deem important. Not my point.
Point is I will decide how much of Toddlerville I inhabit and on what grounds I think important enough to warrant it.
Going to sort thru pj's... or fold formerly hung up clothing and stow in drawers .. or drag a piece of unneeded furniture there to Purgatory . . Or attend to kids so someone can attend to a visit for a 90 yo as to Osteoporosis... not interested.
Point is I already spend a lot of time with the kiddos... 2 of them here with me today. They were here 2 days ago, all of them. .. to swim and play ....mommy & all 3.
I just am gunna hold the line as to creation of a bunch of hamster wheel spinning and whirligig invention that requires my participation to enact.
SIL apparently has a huge problem with lack of discernment between what is necessary and what is not! Osteoporosis - pffff. Same with steroid shots to the knee unless needed. Unnecessary meds and procedures, disruptive trips, proddings, pokings can often do MORE harm and accelerate the decline of these fragile elders, in my opinion.
With my mom's P/T, medicare was a stickler as to those "progress" reports, and when the therapists simply could not come up with legit progress to report, they sadly made it clear that P/T funds would be cut. Period. And they were. My mom was upset with the news that "the game" (and thus her rehab dream of going home) were further shattered, but this too has to be faced eventually by all. I told Mom that she can keep doing the strengthening exercises on her own, sure, and she did that for a while.
Perhaps it is the therapists that should be making the decision - has SIL actually talked to them about progress? Have you noted any, Dorker? Or has she come as far as she it going to get?
Can anyone speak with SIL about caregiving requirements, such as calmness, and limit-setting? (“You provide these things, such as meals, and then permit mom to request the rest?” ) Or are you all so freaked out you can’t instruct her? Maybe she has no clue as to how? Maybe she is trainable?
Maybe a direct q & a is in order, and, maybe SIL could surprise you. Don’t know unless the communications and
agreements are fully discussed? Maybe you decided that’s not feasible? I’m questioning because I am sure you’ve thought of all of the above. Still, I would go with the plan, if possible, because you need time with daughter/babies.
Maybe with an instructional talk, they can work out issues on their own? Just some thoughts. But you need time!
Good luck, and let go of what you can.
But, DD dropping kiddos off for you to watch while she spends all morning or all afternoon at Purgatory...big, big, difference.
5 yr old wanting ALL your attention while toddlers into everything. Makes me tired just thinking about it.
Sure, there are exceptions. DD has a Drs appt. DD and her DH do a weekend away. You get my drift. But when DD starts trying to plan Granny days and you as her childcare it gets old. It wears you out. You no longer enjoy seeing grandkids coming. It becomes a JOB.